By Rabbi Noam Wagner
Rosh Yeshiva, Johannesburg, South Africa
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Those of you who know me, know that I am not in the habit of writing articles on public forums, nor do I have the intention of starting to do it now. Nonetheless, if even one person takes these words to heart and is inspired to action – it will all have been more than worthwhile.
Last week, the collective family of Chabad Chassidim amongst the entire Jewish nation, suffered a tragedy of unimaginable proportions. There are no words, no justification, and no explanation. Our response to a tragedy of such magnitude is “Vayidom Aharon” – deafening silence!
Together with that and at the same time there must be “Hachai Yiten El Libo” – we MUST respond to the wakeup call that Heaven has sent us, and act accordingly! The nature of things is for the shock and wake up call to last for but a short while, until we each return to our day – to – day lives and concerns. We cannot let this happen!
There are hundreds of boys and girls, young men and women – amazingly beautiful Jews – who struggle with essential life issues, and or with fundamentals of Yiddishkeit. Some struggle with Shabbos! Some with Kashrus! Others struggle with Tefillin, or the basics of Tznius! Many of them study in “mainstream” institutions and wear white shirts and black pants. They are crying out from the depths of their souls, in a voice that is audible, or an inner voice that is inaudible. How many of us take a moment to hear their cries and to do something about it?! How many of us are prepared to dip our fingers into the cold waters?!
These words may sound harsh, but they are actually the loving and eternal words of the Rebbe. It is true that every one of us tries our best to make a difference, but trying is not enough! We must do everything within our power and beyond, until we achieve the necessary results!
I say this because I have the merit of spending my life involved with these young people. I hear their cries, and see the pain in their eyes, silently begging each and every one of us, that notwithstanding the matters of the greatest import with which we are preoccupied, we should take the time to help and encourage them. Although MY Neshama begs to be left alone to concentrate on Davening and learning and bask in the infinite glow of Hashem’s light, Atzmus Umehus Himself implores of us: There is a Jewish child that must be dealt with, that must be smiled at and shone some love. That takes precedence over everything else!
This issue cannot be pushed off until tomorrow or later! Right now, I must go outside and see a Jewish boy or girl. It may be my child, my student, a neighbour of mine, or a stranger that I never noticed until now, and rather than noticing his hair that is a bit too long, or her skirt that is a bit too short, I will pay attention to their beautiful pure Jewish soul!
The Rebbe once responded to a teacher, that the youth of today do not need our rebuke or judgment, whether it is transmitted verbally or through the disapproval that they can see in our eyes. They know exactly what is wrong with some of the things that they do and they beat themselves up for it all the time. They are inwardly crushed from struggling with their Yetzer Hora, in the same manner that we (hopefully) struggle with our own. They rather need our smile, our love, our encouragement, our support! If we will put our own selves on the side and try, we can affect and save hundreds of Jewish lives!
A few short weeks ago, we took leave of Rabbi Yosef Yitzchok Kalmenson – a giant in all aspects. Here you had a Gaon Olam, whose Shiurim are studied everywhere, not only in Chabad Yeshivos. He could have been a Rosh Yeshiva or Maggid Shiur in the biggest Yeshivas, but he rather sat in his corner in New Haven and cared! He took time from his true toil in Torah study – which was perhaps unparalleled in our time, from his involvement in Davening as a true Chassid, and he dedicated his life to others! He cared about each and every Bochur, and he cared about each and every Jew!
Every one of us can follow his example. Regardless of whether I am a Rov, a Rosh Yeshiva, a Menahel, a Shliach, an Askan or a businessman. I can – and I am obligated to – take time out of my busy schedule, and make a difference in the lives of hundreds or even thousands, of boys and girls each one of whom is Hashem’s only child!
To the youth who struggle, that may be reading this, I would like to say three things:
1. We love you from the depths of our hearts! Each and every one of you! Forgive us for the fact that we sometimes express this love in strange ways!
2. Every one of us must bear in mind: My struggles do not define me, they do not even express who I am! They are an outside force called the Yetzer Hora, which is not me, and I CAN and WILL overcome it! My victories express who I am, but they too do not define me! I am indefinable – a part of Atzmus Umehus!
3. We are all rooting for you and supporting you! Every small victory (over a seemingly impossible situation) is something to take pride in and celebrate! It makes the Rebbe proud! It makes Hashem proud!
Together we CAN and WILL vanquish this unbearable darkness and bring Moshiach NOW!
Signed with love, and a tearful, yet hopeful heart,
Noam Wagner
This is the most beautiful and important article written on this topic
Brought me to tears
Thank you
Me too
Thank you Rabbi Wagner! V’Hachai yiten el libo – may we all successfully attend to this mission until Moshiach is revealed within Meshichoi “His holy children”
Thank you Rabbi for reminding us the basics. Our kids just need unconditional love and encouragement. As a parent (I am now a grandparent) I realize that I was way too ‘strict’ and only later did we realize this did not impact our children in a healthy and postive manner. We must show our children love and discipline but with moderation and love as well or they will develpe resentment and worse. I feel that this generation now raising kids is much better equiped that we were 25 years ago. There are classes, podcastes, and for the women, there is… Read more »
I admire your humility to be able to see where things could have been done better.
On another note, nice to see someone from the “previous generation” actually acknowledge that there are some things this generation is doing right!
Like a kinder, more compassionate approach to raising and teaching children.
and its nature and personality
As a teenager it’s good to have rules etc but being way to strict and extreme will end up in the opposite result of what ur trying to achieve, at least for majority of kids
What once was
A simple truth,
Which the rebbe
Radiated,
We now have to
Be the ones
need to be fixed now
lots of really bad problems.
This is very true
Need to acknowledge BOTH
but every one of us is frum, and in the frum world…
the fixing starts at home, with OURSELVES.
the “frum world” isn’t a creature with a consciousness. its a body of people. every sing one of us is one of those people.
so if we want to fix the frum world, we can! work on the one frum person you can change, yourself
Thank you! Amazing!!
Look what the Rebbe says here:
https://go.ashreinu.app/vwtca51cl4ck
Lots of pain within the beautiful ppl who seem to be doing well and seem to not be struggling as well. Good kids get overlooked, taken for granted and labeled with limiting labels that cause years of pain. Everyone needs to be treated with non judgmental compassion regardless of what they seem to be on the surface.
This. 🤏
I cannot agree more. Throughout high school and seminary I was always struggling, but no one saw past my good grades, good middos, and compliance with the rules.
That until Moshiach comes things won’t be perfect. We need to do our best and keep doing our best and work to do even better. At the same time, we are all human and there are things that will not necessarily get picked up by most people in regards to what someone might be going through because many kids don’t act up AND are not sharing what they are going through. It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and say that they are simply being overlooked. Also, I think it’s equally important to work with everyone, youth and adults as… Read more »
really needs to go up multiple madregas. all leaders in all positions
I think that the breakdown in
Leadership which is rampant in all
Circles,
Is actually a means to lead up to
The geula…
And i mean to say
That as long as we rely
On this one
Or that, we can continue
Hibernating… but when we get
Up and see: the house is on fire!
Then everyone jumps to the rescue…
The most important realization of my life was that I can not act one way, and expect my children to act another way.
If my children hear me bad-mouthing, gossiping, mocking etc (even in “simple, small” ways) they hear it and they learn from it.
I’ve completely changed the way I speak and act, and I know this is the most powerful way to teach my children as well. BY EXAMPLE.
We can not preach ahavas yisrael if we will not do it ourselves.
It begins with us.
I appreciate this comment so much. So so much. I have struggled with “leaving” precisely because of this, the mocking and gossiping and being viewed with derision behind my back. And then the FFB wonder why we leave and blame it on us, that we weren’t committed enough. No! BTs leave because we realize ahavas yisrael is an idea not actually practiced.
There are all different types, in all groups. Please don’t go generalizing an entire group because of some people who act inappropriately.
You are 100% right. You should write an article about this rather than a buried comment. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, however, because there are some very welcoming communities.
I jusy don’t think COL would ever publish it. My experience is not unique! And it trickles down to our children, because the FFB kids hear their parents talk about us, and so our children are treated poorly by their “friends.” It’s a devastating trickle effect…and don’t even get me started on shidduchim. We go through so much to become religious, we chose to be religious! And then the very community that is famous for ahavas yisrael doesn’t practice it behind our back and oftentimes to our faces I can’t even express the pain.
Our children suffered tremendously r”l, and we never understood why!
The children of Crown Heights “shpitz” Chabad understood the children of BTs as being “other,” thanks to their parents’ misguided loshen hora!
Today, they may have a better understanding but I’m still waiting for them to do tshuva!
No, I won’t hold my breath.
We must bring Ahavas Yisrael back to Lubavitch.
Lubavitch = brotherly love
Every man, woman, and child must accept upon themselves the mitzvah of ahavas yisrael. In fact, that’s the first line we say in davening.
Clearly, Jewish lives depend on this.
stop Loshon Horah, it kills people.
Beautiful words from the heart.
Thank you for sharing.
derech eretz
if you dont have it yet you need to get it now. so important. so many people need it. it precedes the Torah.
Thank you. So well said.
Wow Rabbi!!
Thank you for such decisive works of wisdom and courage. I will take this to heart b”l.
Thank you so much for sharing! And THANK YOU for the incredible work you are doing with our youth!!! May Hashem shower you with blessings!
Yasher Koach Rabbi Wagner for going out of your comfort zone and taking the time to write this very vital article which can, as you mentioned, save lives. And let’s all Daven that educators and parents will take it to heart without chas vsholom any excruciating reminders RL. We really really really need Moshiach NOW. it’s enough tzorus Am Yisroel has can though!!! Rivky katz
this could have been prevented, this was equivalent to a murder. this boy was bullied by kids who are raised in homes that are insensitive and openly talk about other people’s problems and families. this causes them to go to school and make fun of other people. a few years ago my daughter got married and one of the main rabbis in the yeshiva said to my son who was in his yeshiva “I am not here for your family, I am here for the other family. a rabbi in a top yeshivah – Bully the root cause is loshon… Read more »
Thank you for such positive amazing words!!
very well done!I just wanted to point out that some other lubavitcher mechanchim have unfortunately been trying push medications which is more dangerous,rather than this way which is way better!
Rabbi Wagner is a man who nurtures every soul he encounters. The words written here are his modus operandi. He lives what he has written here.
For those not officially in the field of education etc – we can touch hearts by being just a bit more sensitive to those we encounter.
Most people are juggling many balls at the same time time. We may not be aware of it. Lets give the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for sharing… Maybe we should share this information with camps that reject good kids and cause serious issues because “not the right FLAVOR” when the reality was not quite the reason… and yeshivas that do the same
You know who i am, i am religious because of, i came after being in Italy first year befor covide, i am forever greatful you are my Rabbi!
…that he is not equipped to handle talmidim’s problems or concerns beyond a Talmud having trouble making sure to get out of bed on time for seder each morning. The same Rosh Yeshiva gave breaks to (didn’t discipline) gezhe talmidim for the same infractions for which he threatened to expel other talmidim. These days, even in yeshivos that attract top learners, there is no excuse for a Rosh Yeshiva having no more to offer than this (plus brilliant Torah teaching). Why are such people bumped up from being, say, a magid shiur to being a Rosh Yeshiva? It is woefully… Read more »
Thank you for writing this! Unfortunately within the time it’s taken until people realized we need to do something we’ve lost too many. And I don’t only mean in the literal sense. Too many are broken and too many have scars either from no one realizing their needs, or no one noticing them, or being bullied but the bully puts on a show so no one will believe the victim… the list goes on. For some, it’s still too late, but at least for a lot of our brothers and sisters, and the next younger generation, they’ll have a better… Read more »
Who can’t get accepted to a Chabad school
There are several options. One is to say what people said decades ago when they couldn’t get into other schools so they came to Chabad; Hashem will show me my direction. Go to any school that will accept and respect them.
The other approach is to get other rejected students together and form a new school.
And that’s also very important to acknowledge as well!
And let’s also look at those areas that need to be worked on and to also realize that many times people around a person don’t have any idea that there’s something going on that needs help.
Thank you for theses beautiful words !
We need to find the correct balance to not allow whatever a child wants to do and at the same time make sure they feel accepted and loved. Obviously, not always easy, especially when the is great disrespect sometimes on the part of students. May we please have Moshiach NOW and am end to this golus.
Why are so many of our children not given the same support, love and acceptance that we want them to have if they themselves were to work in a Chabad House? So many are sent out of schools, Yeshivos or can’t get in because they are said the school is not a good match. Then where should they go????
Also thank you to all those hard working teachers, principals, and school staff that go above and beyond to reach our children and help them grow. There are so many of you out there.
The amount of shabbos meals I’ve been at that are just pure loshon horah makes me sick.
It’s time for a real cheshbon nefesh wake up call.
This culture of looking down on others starts in the home, children hear it, and will inevitably look down on others too.. we need to fix the root cause and strengthen our ahavas yisrael. I can quite literally now understand how the beis hamikdash was destroyed because of sinaas chinaam, after just seeing a life get destroyed because of sinaas chinam.
thank you rabbi .. ur message should not stay limited to youth . adults need to hear the same thing from adults. many adults struggle to be polite and warm .. they need to hear this as well. thank you
Great article and important points.
However the idea expressed in point number two that “I CAN and WILL overcome” my challenges might be part of what is causing so much pain and suffering.
See Chapter 27 in Tanya that perhaps i will struggle all the days of my life and never overcome….
We need the Leaders of Aguch to discuss this
And what do you do when you are aware of bullying in your school? Your message is the equivalent to telling women suffering domestic violence that the community loves them and are there for them instead of empowering them to leave and shunning the abuser. Your message is wonderful but in this case it reads like trying to wash the blood off your hands.
Today’s parents have to be loving for sure! However they have to be parent and guide THEIR children! It’s not enough to leave it up to the yeshivos! LEARNING to LOVE YIDDISHKEIT comes first and foremost from the HOME
Thank you For writing and expressing these beautiful thoughts, and reminding all of us to uplift our youth with love and kindness and non-judgment
Every reminder impacts All of us to be more vigilant, more sensitive, more aware and kind. We all struggle on different levels and that’s God’s plan Per the Tanya… No one is better than anyone else
We need to remember that as parents… Everyone sins differently And we need to show compassion to our kids and The insane struggles of today which are greater than ever. Thank you.
To all principals and teachers that have chosen to be in Chinuch and have given of themselves above and beyond, to teach, uplift and reach children. You are all so greatly appreciated. BH the successes are many and as we all for change in areas that need change it is equally important to openly remember all the good that is happening and thank those who or so much in to make it happen. Cheshbon Hanefesh is good for everyone. May each person find a place to be where they can be appreciated and encouraged in the right direction, both from… Read more »
The biggest risk is being taken for granted and invisible. The good kids, who fit in, have learned to make their ‘shadow’ side invisible. These Dugma Chaya kids, the ‘success stories’ have often glossed over their inner turmoil. That’s dangerous. Every kid should be considered as ‘struggling’ and ‘at risk’ and have their unvoiced questions addressed. I raised my kids in the 80s and 90s, and am ashamed how judgemental I used to be. Sign me, Abashed Grandmother of Oholei-Torahniks.
Maybe it’s time to get to the basics.
Derech Eretz KADMA Li Torah.
Time to start teaching and exemplifying good MIDDOS.
Spending more time discussing Midos.
What is the point of teaching all good things of Chasisus, Avoda, Hiskashrus, when the basic Mentchlichkeit is missing????
Noach Ish Tzadik. Why Ish?? We know he is a man. Because before you try to be a Tzadik, FIRST be a MENCH!!! ( Kotzker Rebbe ztl )
I have to say my son spent the summer with you and was so amazed how you took the time to spend with Bochurim one on one and collectively. You poshut cared about each child like they’re were your own. We must be open and listen to our children’s cries. It’s so true. Thank you for the best letter I ever read.