By Rabbi Yisroel Bernath
From the new magazine Under the Chuppah
Don’t tell everyone right away.
In the age of social media, engaged couples tend to tell the world right away. It’s so important to have a moment to take in all the excitement. Once you tell the world, you’ll be become focused on conversations with friends and family. Take a day or two to “share the news” with one another. Cherish this incredible, life-altering decision; reconnect and remember why you said “yes’” in the first place.
It’s the two of you against the world.
Find a mutual voice and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. It’s the two of you against the world. Anyone who tries to come in between you — cut them out. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, relative or anyone. If they speak negatively about you or any of your mutual decisions, or if they meddle in your relationship, they are poisoning your relationship — with the exception of your parents (more on that below).
Don’t let your guard down.
When we’re dating, we usually have our guard up. We make sure to look our best, and are careful with what we say and do. Once engaged, many couples will let their guard down. That’s it, we’re engaged, “it’s over!” It’s not over — it’s actually just getting started. It’s even more important to look and and act your best; now it really matters.
Don’t get into in-law fights — it’s not worth it.
There are always lots of emotions surrounding engagements, especially when it comes to parents. Some parents have difficulty separating from their child. Their reaction can be greatly eased if there is a “weaning” process. Both spouses should allow for a gradual separation. If a parent calls ten times a day, it shouldn’t be considered meddling. Gradually, the frequency of contact should be decreased without it being traumatic. Your parents can actually give you good advice, and most importantly, never speak negatively about your in-laws.
Don’t confide in your friends. It’s detrimental to your future.
Many singles have BFFs; their friends are their closest confidantes. The most important element of a successful marriage is trust. Real trust will take years. But you have to start now. You need to move your confiding to your spouse and away from your friends. This may be tough at first. It’s so much easier to talk to your friends, especially because things come up when you’re engaged. Don’t do it! Get used to talking to your spouse. (If there are issues with your future spouse, go with a trusted professional first and foremost).
You don’t need to know everything about your partner’s past dates.
Even though it’s an “important” part of your past, it’s not healthy for a budding relationship. It simply wasn’t meant to be, so leave it at that. Certainly do not praise a past date at length. The less said, the better. Talking about your previous dates will often make your partner feel jealous or like they’re in some sort of contest. Your fiancé should never feel like you are comparing them to someone else.
Be open and honest.
If you are engaged, you should not feel for a moment that you need to lie to your fiancé. You need to start your relationship on a strong foundation. Being open and honest is critical. If you’re lying now, it’s bound to fire back in your face and cause issues later.
Go for premarital counseling.
Your “love” may be good for the honeymoon, but it’s not the main ingredient for a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Every couple needs a box of tools, whether it’s active listening and communication, finances, having kids or reconciling different styles of argument. A good premarital therapist or program should be able to teach you these tools and much more. You have no problem going for 10 dress fittings for a one-day event, right? I highly recommend going for 10 premarital sessions, which will help for a lifetime.
You need a therapist or clergy member you can be totally open with.
The first 18 months of marriage are the hardest. Most divorces happen during that time. Most couples will say that it was small issues that turned into big issues. Once issues arise after marriage, many couples find it strange or a bruise to their compatibility to start going to therapy. By having a therapist or clergy-member ready before you get married — someone who knows you well and who you can be open with — you’ll have the confidence to actually go to someone and take care of the small issues before they become big ones. I would recommend a therapist or clergy member who is married and really believes in marriage. You know they are doing their job if they help bring you together in a way that you couldn’t do it yourself, and if you leave each session feeling re-energized.
Fighting doesn’t mean you’re not meant for each other.
Wedding preparations certainly bring out the best in people (not!) I’ve heard engaged couples say they’re calling off the wedding over a fight — about the wedding! Couples fight and that’s okay. Use the above tips to figure it out.
Rabbi Yisroel Bernath is spiritual director of Rohr Chabad NDG and the Associate Chaplain at Concordia University. He has made over 50 successful matches and is the founder of JMatchmaking International. He recently starred in the Award Winning CBC Documentary “Kosher Love”. He lives in Montreal with his wife Sara and their four children. [email protected]
Without exaggeration, the first 18 months was the most happiest amazing & loving time not only in our relationship but in my whole life!!!! BH (please stop feeding thoughts into people heads “the 1st years I’d the hardest” it’s simply not ture for everyone.
This is all good advice and well worded. Marriage is a sacred space, and to protect it, I think keeping it between close family at first is a nice idea. Too often the nay-sayers who are jealous or vindictive try to interfere in some way. Not always, but as a baal techuvah, I’ve seen some people feel like we are not worthy to be happy. This is why so many came here long ago and are still single. A person has to be strong and brave to merit happiness. Not just in Chabad, but in the world generally. I hope… Read more »
Don’t tell everyone right away. After dating for a period of time (and sometimes it could be a couple of months) part of the excitement is to share with family and friends and virtually it is impossible to keep a secret. The week leading up to proposing is when the connection is cemented and throughout the entire dating period. It’s the two of you against the world. WHY??? Why assume everyone is looking to hurt you or deride the shidduch. Maybe there is a red flag that was unkown previously and NEEDS to be brought to their attention. Don’t get… Read more »
I think R’ Bernath’s piece was originally written for a wider audience which includes secular Jews. His article has to balance his prospective readers. As a general guideline, his advice is good. You want to blame someone for his lack of rabbinic approbation then blame Collive for publishing the article without a “note to the reader” about the context in which R’ Bernath is writing his article. This article does far more good than not.
Agree, one needs to be open and honest, however, it should be noted that being overly open and honest can lead to unhealthy enmeshment. Honesty has its place, however, people are individuals as well. Being too honest and blunt, does have the power to hurt as well. Sometimes, for the sake of peace, and for the sake of a relationship, it is better to withhold certain information to our husbands or wives, especially if unimportant in the grand scheme. All in context.
I agree with each of these 10 tips. Everyone looking to get married should read this article. These tips are so important.
Thanks
Firstly, I love you Yisroel and I highly admire you and your work. Though I could not help but notice – not a single mention of tzniyus?! Even if this was written with secular people in mind, yiras shomayim is still the very foundation that marriage is build on (that bayis ne’eman we often speak of) and that building begins the moment we first meet another. The rules or suggestions are wonderful. We just need to shout from the rooftops that newly engaged couples know what and how to truly build a proper Bayis Ne’eman. A highly recommended read for… Read more »
Something is wrong here. Since the good Rabbi is making statements, and is not a Rov, it is very important that he actually provide sane proof for his statements. 1. Why in the world should the prospective couple keep it secret for a day? and what exactly is so special about holding it together for a day? on the contrary, they are not supposed to have this deep connection till they are married as it is says in Shulchan Aruch, and as our Rebbe taught us. In addition there is clear directives from the rebbe, NOT to delay such things.… Read more »
Very nice
Very great advice Rabbi Bernath! I especially appreciate your stance about seeing a premarital therapist. I think there is an unfortunate stigma about counseling as it is seen as there is something “wrong”, whereas it should really be seen as doing something “right”.