‘N’shei’ Surveys 350 Women

by Yedida Wolfe

“Even if you think you don’t need one, the Torah commands that you appoint a mentor for yourself.”

It was 1986 when the Rebbe first spoke publicly about finding a mashpia, referring to the Mishna’s instructions in Pirkei Avos, “Aseh lecha Rav.” Make for yourself a mentor.

But it’s not always easy. Many of us struggle to find the right person to confide in for a variety of reasons.

The upcoming Shvat issue of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter features Part 1 of a series exploring the concept of mashpia – what the role entails, why it’s difficult, or easy, to make use of another’s time and advice.

The Chabad women’s publication received over 350 responses to a survey sent to its database, and also to members of the Beis Medrash Women’s Circle in Crown Heights. The questions and the thoughtful, compelling answers that followed are in Nshei’s new issue.

One responder said she was surprised at how many people wished they had a mashpia – 90% – and also how many people admitted they haven’t consulted with their mashpia in decades.

Chabad women of all ages were asked to commente on the trials and tribulations of finding, and utilizing, a mashpia. Here are a select few:

“My challenge was getting over the notion that mashpia has to be an awkward concept… and realizing that it could be anyone I consider a mentor, whose opinion I value.” (teen)

“I didn’t know my present mashpia very well, and I had a lot of doubts about calling her…What would she think of me? I barely knew her. Maybe she’d think I’m a weirdo for asking her. Who am I to take her time anyway? Would I feel comfortable talking to her about things honestly and openly?” (woman, mid-20s)

“The hardest part was not finding a mashpia, but asking her to be my mashpia. Once I asked, the hard part was over. She is still my mashpia seven years later.” (Woman, mid-20s)

I think it is my perfectionism rearing its ugly head…I keep trying to find the ‘perfect’ mashpia so I don’t have one yet.” (Woman, mid-40s)

Yet those who do confide in mashpiim report good results:

“My mashpia helped me look for and find a job that was suited to my personality and strengths, rather than the default option! This has been a tremendous brachah.” (Woman, mid-20s)

“My mashpia saved my marriage! If not for her counseling and hours of time invested in us, I don’t know how we would have stayed together. She promised me that things would get better, and with her tremendous help, they have.” (Woman, 50s)

“My husband used to explode every month when it was time to pay the bills. I seriously thought he needed anger management help. Then my mashpia suggested that right when we sit down to write the checks, I should say, ‘I really appreciate how hard you work to cover all these bills every month. I didn’t realize what a big pressure you feel because of it.’ At first he looked surprised, then he smiled, and that was the end of the explosions.” (Woman, mid-30s)

“I just thought it was for nebachs when I heard about it. The way it was presented in school was if you need help making decisions and someone to help guide you in your life to get one… until I realized it was for everyone, and something the Rebbe wanted so strongly, and I felt the need for one, only then (many years later) did I decide to get one. Once I made that decision, I had an easy time finding one.”
(Woman, early 20s)

How does one choose a mashpia? What should one look for in a mashpia? The Rebbe narrows it down to three qualities: modesty, compassion and kindness. These qualities must be publicly seen.

“Signs, by definition, must be seen by another, to serve as proof to the observer that one is modest, compassionate and kind,” the Rebbe pointed out. “One must be able to see openly how his mentor lives his life. If he is clearly modest, compassionate and kind in his public conduct, these are the indicators that he is, in fact, a mentor.”

The full survey, as well as many other articles exploring Rabbi Shea Hecht’s role as a cultbuster, and what to do about crime in Crown Heights can be read in the new issue available in local stores, or by subscription (by Thursday, January 9). For more, visit nsheichabadnewsletter.com.