Being a husband I have made my share of mistakes. Here are some of the things I learned along the way. When I got it right, I saw how it made such a big difference. Of course, I am human and didn’t get everything right.
Your marriage is so precious, and your family is your life. Balancing a home, work and family is hard, especially that in so many families both parents are working. Yet when mom comes home, it is common that all the traditional tasks of motherhood is on her shoulders. Even those that are able to be a stay at home mother, are in an endless state of keeping up, especially if there are small children.
As you and your wife build a home together and as you grow as a family, you need to plan and set things in place, so that both you and your wife are happy, close, and loving. Think of yourselves as one unit, and as equally responsible parties in the home. Be realistic and divide the responsibilities according to your abilities, your energy and your time.
If your wife is the high energy, creative, organized type, then just go with it, do what she says and count your blessings.
This article is written to husbands who have a growing family and a wife with average or low energy, who is trying her best. But there are also lessons here for all couples, just use what applies to you. Here are some things I did, and a few things I wish I did.
MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOUR WIFE
Being a wife, a mother and a homemaker is a huge job, anything you can do to relieve your wife from these burdens will be appreciated, and if you do them with joy, she will love you for it.
1) If You Can, Hire Help.
Hiring help for housekeeping and for taking care of the children, is a good idea. If you can afford to have it all the time, then you should. If your budget doesn’t allow you to have it all the time, then have it as much as you can, and at least for the hardest tasks, even once a week, it will make such a big difference.
If you want to know what the hardest tasks are, it is the things that your wife dreads doing, if you ask her, she will gladly tell you.
2) Be a Mentch.
When you are home, be involved, don’t sit on your bottom while she slaves away. Ask her what you can do, remember that it is your home too.
When you are taking care of the children don’t call it babysitting, they are your children and your responsibility. When you are with them, you are being a father, not a baby sitter. When you call it babysitting, you are saying that they are not your responsibility and that you are doing a favor. This is hurtful to your wife, because she wants you to be a father to them. When you are a good father to your children, it is so endearing to your wife, she will fall deeper in love with you every time she sees it.
When she does things for you, don’t take her for granted, say thank you, let her know that you appreciate the things she does for you and that you respect her. This might seem small to you, but when she feels appreciated and respected, it will lift her spirits, she will be happy and she won’t feel used.
3) Have Things That You Do Around the House and Be Reliable.
Pick a few regular chores and make them your responsibility. It could be cleaning, food preparation, laundry, shopping, taking care of the cars, etc. It is your choice, but pick a few and do them well and reliably. The best things to choose, are the things she likes to do the least.
4) Have Things That You Do in Preparation for Shabbos and Yom Tov.
It is a long standing tradition, that husbands set up the candles for their wife and daughters to light. This is the way that it is done. Before shabbos, set them into the candelabra or candlesticks, light them for a few seconds and put them out. This will make them easier to light when it comes time for her to light them. Before Yom Tov do this as well, but on Yom Tov you will be in shul when it is time to set them, so she will do it. But if you do set them up on Yom Tov, don’t light them, because you are not allowed to put them out.
Have a dish or two that you make for Shabbos and don’t leave a mess for your wife to clean up. If you can’t do that, have some other preparation that you do, it can even be done on Thursday.
If you can’t help prepare, then help clean up after the Shabbos meal, especially Friday night. She has been on her feet all day preparing for Shabbos and she is probably exhausted.
(I am a big advocate of using disposable dishes, especially when the children are young, it makes clean up a breeze. Unless you have hired help, keep the fancy dishes for special occasions.)
5) Give Her Time to Put Her Feet Up.
Most mothers work hard and hardly ever get a break. If you could give her a respite from the kids she will be grateful and you will be a good husband. Being that you will be with the kids you will be a good father as well.
Here are some things you can do to give her rest:
Learn how to make one or two simple dinners, like sloppy Joe or something else the kids like. Once a week, or every other week, make dinner with the kids, while your wife rests. Make sure to clean up after. Your wife will appreciate it, and your kids will enjoy spending time with you.
When you have off of work, take the kids out to the park, or do some other activity they enjoy. This will give your wife some quiet time.
6) Give her time to get together with her friends.
At minimum once a month watch the kids so she can get together with her friends. Once a week is better. She needs time with her friends. If you can’t be home, the baby sitter can watch the kids.
BE LOVING
Here are some things you should do just to be loving.
1) Do small sweet things.
After a long day do something sweet to make her feel special.
Here are some ideas: Make her favorite tea, the way she likes it, and bring it to her in a pretty cup. Cut up a fruit she likes or a piece of chocolate and bring it to her. Get her her some warm water to soak her feet in.
With a little bit of thought, you will come up with some of your own ideas. Small sweet things that will make her feel special.
2) Be Supportive of Her Interests.
If your wife has a hobby she likes or she would like to try, be supportive. Here are some ways to do this.
Buy her a book or a magazine on the subject. If you come across an article on the subject, bring it to her or email it to her.
If she asks you to join her, don’t be difficult, go along with her. You might find that you enjoy it, and even if you don’t, at least you tried, and that will make her happy.
Offer to get her classes or supplies.
You have to realize that your wife is multifaceted, you have to love and respect all her different qualities. Including her interests, her creativity and her wishes.
3) Do Things Just Because She Wants You To.
The home is the place your wife makes her own, she should have the last word in designing and decorating it. Unless something is offensive to you, you should not argue with her choices. If she wants things a certain way, have it that way.
If something is important to her, like putting your dirty laundry in the hamper, hanging up your wet towel, putting down the toilet seat after your done, etc. Do it and train your kids to do the same. These are small things, and the decent thing to do.
You will find, that it is the small thoughtful things you do, that will make her feel special, appreciated and loved.
These are just a few things that will make your wife happy and your relationship better. I hope that you will put them to the test.
The things to remember that is the basis of this article is to: Make things easier for your wife, respect your wife, show her appreciation and be loving.
Rabbi Yitzi Hurwitz is the founder of Chabad Jewish Center in Temecula, CA. He is married to Dina and has 7 children and is currently living in Los Angeles as he battles ALS disease. Visit his blog at yitzihurwitz.blogspot.com. To donate to his medical costs, visit hurwitzfamilyfund.com
Related Articles:
+Rabbi Yitzi’s Marriage Tips: Part 3
+Rabbi Yitzy’s Marriage Tips: Part 2
+Rabbi Yitzy’s 10 Marriage Tips
Yitzi, may you continue to guide us humbly to be great husbands. If we each treat our wife like the Queen that she is, we will certainly be the King. Sometimes we think we have the automatic right to be King, but it only works when we work at being a better husband. Thank you, Yitzi, for all that you promote for long, loving relationships. May Hashem bless you with a Refuah Shleima!
Marriage is not tit for tat. The wife’s responsibility to treat you well doesn’t negate the fact that you need to treat her with respect and help her out. If you’re waiting to see what you can get rather than what you can give you’re headed in the wrong direction. Be loving and kind and she will feed of that and reciprocate.
Thank you very much, may you continue to have abundant nachas from your wonderful family, and may you have a speedy and full recovery!
Thank you all for the beautiful comments. Let’s all continue to daven for Yosef Yitzchok Ben Brocho for a full Refuah Shlaimo Kapital Mem Vov(46).
and it was obvious from her speech that the thoughtfulness and respect which they had (and still have) for one another created an indestructible bond between them that is not shaken by any of the destructive forces of this physical world.
Enough Golus.The Rebbe MHM should grab Yitzy by the hand and announce that Geulah is HERE.MAMASH! !!!! 👍👀👀👀
Beautiful article yitzy yaasher koach
Wow!! Beautiful!!!!
ממש. אין מילים. אין עליך.
I absorbed every word. Keep writing and keep inspiring us! Thank you! Refua shlaima now
Hashem should send Rabbi Hurwitz a complete and speedy refuah sheleimah right now!
Dina Hurwitz is the Chabad Rebbetzin to Rabbi Yitzi, an inspirational writer and spiritual guide who was diagnosed with ALS in 2013. Dina is a motivational speaker and a world renowned personality who continually writes on the subject of harnessing strength and spirit in the face of coping with challenge. Monday, August 7, 2017 A Few Thoughts on Love Today is a fabulous day. It is the day we began writing our special Torah, 4 years ago in a beautiful Vinyard in Temecula. It is also the day Yitzi comes out with his fabulous marriage advice for men. He works… Read more »
Of course a wife has to be nice to her husband, and it is more then important , what would make you think not?
Why so many?????
He is a man writing, how a man should act. If you are a woman feel free to write an article.
As a side note, his wife Dina, just wrote recently a very nice piece about how woman should act…
& practical & it goes without saying if hubby does that for his eishes chayil she will respond in kind! This is for any aged couple just modify it to your circumstances!
Thank you R Yitzi & massive RS
Thank you so so much…so inspiring, I hope my future husband will read your inspiring “tips” ie yesodos and take them to heart. I am looking forward to attend your shalom bayis classes in person! Refuah Shleima miyad mamash!!!
To #4
You ask why Rabbi Yitzi does not say what a wife needs to do to honor and respect her husband. When a husband treats his wife like the advice in the article…you will have nothing to worry about!
Rabbi Yitzi, you are very inspiring. you don’t know me personally, but you have made a significant impact on my life.
Thanks for being the awesome person you are!
Any divorced person who dreams of remarrying should be brave enough & honest enough ( IF they are emotionally capable of honest self-assessment ) to compare their previous behavior to the level of mentchlekite, empathy & selflessness described here. Before considering re-marriage please seek top professional help to learn how to heal so as not to cause more destruction. May Rabbi Yitzy have a refua shlema NOW !
I hope my future husband will do that
Yitzi you have always done a pretty good job of getting 100% and beyond always!
This is nothing short of profoundly beautiful and so filled with pnimius and chassidishe warmth. This post shows more then anything that truly chassidishe man is a sensitive and intuitive man. Sensitivity and intuition is something worth developing and valuing. I hope I marry someone with the same depth and outlook. You should have a complete refuah sheleima bekarov and you should dance at the front lines having always beenthe Rebbe’s devoted shliach and chassid, and a pillar of light and hope and strength for so so many. PS: someone that I know recently visited you and remarked that it… Read more »
Amazing points! Thanks for continuing to inspire!
There is so much to learn from him. Hashem should bentch him
with a Refuah Sheleima. NOW!
This can save marriages
Wow!! This is trully incredible. Every husband should read this…it will make a huge difference in your marriage.
I always read your advice to the Husband how to be nice to his wife, do you also believe the wife should be nice to the husband,?? or that’s not important??
Wishing you a speedy and complete recovery.
BS”D seeing how devoted she is it is hard to believe you treated her anything but perfectly,the only words I would like to hear from you are I Am CURED
Please post links for parts 1,2 and 3.