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Saturday, 21 Elul, 5779
  |  September 21, 2019

Your Bashert Isn’t on Facebook

Shtetlhood by Shimona Tzukernik: Social media is ruining our relationships. Here's what you can do about it. Full Story

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Yes, and...
Guest
Yes, and...

I liked many of the points in your article Shimona. I think it is very true that in having many ‘more’ options today, it becomes very easy to compare one to the next and say, there has got to be ‘better’ out there. While I’ll concede that facebook and social media add to the sense of “my prince/princess is out there, he’s probably better than this guy/girl…” I also feel that we’ve made a MAJOR shift in the way shidduchim are run with another form of online media… the shidduch profile. Less than 10 years ago, profiles did not include… Read more »

What a joke!!!
Guest
What a joke!!!

To the Author, thank you for your contribution to this important topic. With all due respect, only wealthy families with spoiled children have this problem. The average frum family that is living from paycheck to paycheck does not have this type of problem. The reality is very simple: wealthy parents do not want their children to marry into poor families, because then the wealthy parents have to support the new couple if and when things get expensive. I don’t know about other families, but my family never was able to afford fancy, time-wasting gadgets like smartphones with Facebook. We have… Read more »

excellent
Guest
excellent

thank you

fan from Chicago
Guest
fan from Chicago

bs”d
Beautifully expressed! Bravo.

To #2
Guest
To #2

To the commenter, thank you for your contribution to this important topic. With all due respect regardless of your financial situation or level of Frumkeit, wake up and smell the coffee, and find out what your kids or friends’ kids are doing when you’re not looking. Sticking your head in the sand and being in denial or just oblivious won’t solve the problem, instead it’ll just allow it to fester and get worse. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that it’s just someone else’s problem.

As the famous saying goes: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Moshiach now!

To #2
Guest
To #2

“Encourage wealthy families to consider poor families”… What on earth are you blabbering about?

People should marry whomever is right for them, not a “class” of society, whether rich or poor.

comment #1
Guest
comment #1

Exactly, shidduch profiles with pictures ruin everything.

Nice piece from Rabbi Moss from Sydney
Guest
Nice piece from Rabbi Moss from Sydney

Things have been a bit slow in the romance department of late, so for the first time ever I contacted a matchmaker. They asked me what I am looking for. I don’t want to seem fussy, but I don’t want to settle either. So what’s the best way to go about defining who I want to date? Answer: Here’s what you should do: Take a piece of paper and a pen, and write down everything you are looking for in a match. Scrunch up the piece of paper Throw it away Take another piece of paper, and write down your… Read more »

To #5. From #2.
Guest
To #5. From #2.

This is indeed someone else’s problem. Therefore, how much more so must we all be respectful and considerate to the Author and to the families who need our support and encouragement. No one is in denial, except for perhaps the families of those who suffer from this particular problem. I commend the Author for bringing this to COL so that a discussion can take place. It’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed, just like the yeshiva/seminary tuition crisis. I thought the author is telling us that spoiled brats with an abundance of choices (clothes, gadgets, cars, apartments, first… Read more »

Great write up
Guest
Great write up

Great article Shimona, thank you!

Wowee
Guest
Wowee

I met my husband thanks to Facebook. Someone saw both our profile pictures and thought it was a great match.

Interesting
Guest
Interesting

Many young girls (and maybe the guys as well) feel that there is nobody interested in them at all!

My Q to the author: When the number of available and possible bachelors is low, how desperate should one be to ‘make it work’ with any good guy?

to #2
Guest
to #2

Facebook is free

How did a heter turn into using social media for personal stuff?
Guest
How did a heter turn into using social media for personal stuff?

It was not so long ago that anyone needing to have access to the Internet for business purposes was given permission to have a computer that accesses the Internet. Now that the handheld computer with a phone app (AKA a Smartphone or the like) has become the “norm” for cell phone service, we have bypassed the concept that we don’t all necessarily need this kind of incessant Internet access. Now, the “excuse” is: well, I must have the latest in cell phone technology and oh, yes, I of course have the Internet in the palm of my hand all day… Read more »

mostly good
Guest
mostly good

This article was mostly nice, till the author decided to tell us a bit about kabbalah. First of all, keep the spirituality out of this discussion. Meaning yes spirituality is so very much important, but please that is not the issue at hand in this present discussion. But the real problem, since when did the author become the worldwide expert on kabbalah, as if to tell us exactly what it says about marriage? In addition when you make such types of claims, is incumbent upon you, to provide sources for your claim, and explain your claim. Neither of which you… Read more »

Found my bashert with Facebook
Guest
Found my bashert with Facebook

Just saying….
Never say never it could come from anywhere

Is the internet realy that good??!
Guest
Is the internet realy that good??!

Not only does social media distroy ur potential partner it distroyed and is currently distroying marriages! When a husband or wife spend too much time on facebook and see oh wow this person seams much better then my partner.
Divorce has become a contagious disease! Not only is there a shiduchim crisis there is also a divorce crisis!
The internet is distroying everybody!!

A Shiduch:
Guest
A Shiduch:

A Shiduch is based on what the person is really up to Bepnimius – eternally and internally, and this usually depends Mostly on what they see is Noigeia – Matters Bepnimiyu – eternally and internally To The Parents, Beloshoin Hazoihar: Bonim Mechapshin Bignizin Debeiso… Kids Sense The Truth BY The Parents What They are Up to in life, and in What The Really Believe….

Number 2
Guest
Number 2

I agree hundred percent. In the end of the day its all about who has money, & who dsnt have money. When a RICH person marries a poor person, whos in charge?? Sorry to say but its sickening. & not only that ive personally seen family’s who make out they have money…..& living in mantion, & fooling their community…..& in the end “most” FAILED!!!! & was in newspapers…..(im sure u dont want that)……bottom line when it comes to money hashem is watching u. & judging u….say what u want…..ive seen it & been around the corner TWICE!!!! But it never… Read more »

to #2 and #9
Guest
to #2 and #9

Still, the two of u r living in the clouds. Smartphones – or in ur words – “expensive-time-wasting-gadgets”, are actually extremely cheap. Also, facebook is FREE! And guess what? Majority of NY is covered with FREE wifi! Chances are that your children have smartphones, and probably, can afford them as well, cuz most 20 year old girls work. (To comment 2) And about rich ppl marrying poor… What in the world does that have to do with ANYTHING addressed in the article?! Granted, it’s very sad and I feel much pity for you, but seriously, ur making urself look blinded… Read more »

Big assumptions
Guest
Big assumptions

The author is making big assumptions based on one anecdote. Fact: most guys and girls have Facebook Fact: most guys and girls are getting engaged. The shidduch crisis is the result of age discrimination of guys towards girls, that guys won’t marry girls older than themselves. It’s a simple math issue. As Lubavitch has grown exponentially, the rate of how many girls are left out because guys have more options (as a result of the age discrimination issue) is growing too. Social Media is an easy target, social norms (if you can call it that), is much more difficult to… Read more »

Points to ponder
Guest
Points to ponder

Everyone has their ONE. And everyone will find their one at the proper time… So we are taught. The question is only how we are going to treat them and how we are going to appreciate the gifts we have. There is no question that social media is getting not in the way of shidduchim but in the way of how we perceive ourselves. At the same time: 1. It’s hard to make a decision to fly cross country or even across the world for a person you haven’t seen. Some do phone Skype. Some prefer to at least see… Read more »

To #2
Guest
To #2

You really have a chip on your shoulder. What a stupid “solution” . You most likely also say that Gezsha should also marry only BTs to even out or spread something or other. Just a word of advise. Look for a shidduch for yourself or is it your children someone good for them. Stop looking only for. Money and yichus

Population
Guest
Population

Of course the number of “choices” out there has nothing to do with the fact that there are so many many more eligible people. Families have grown, Shimona. There are more choices because there are more people. BTW, did you close your FB page?

NUMBER 2
Guest
NUMBER 2

The saying is
In G-d we trust ,
all others work for Him!

I met my wife on Facebook,
Guest
I met my wife on Facebook,

Baruch Hashem for Facebook… I met my wife on Facebook

Facebook Shmacebook
Guest
Facebook Shmacebook

For everyone commenting about meeting their current spouses on Facebook- Mazal Tov! Hope it lasts forever. The truth of the matter is, shuddichim over Facebook, Instagram, you name it- 99% OF THE TIME DO NOT WORK. So for those of you who met your basheret through these social media sites, either the shidduch was 1. Not done properly in terms of it being kosher (i.e. not going through a shadchan, perhaps not shomer negiah, excessive communication, etc.) or 2. You happen to fall into the small category of individuals who by hashgacha partis met your basheret on Facebook and did… Read more »

Profiles. Profiles. And More Profiles.
Guest
Profiles. Profiles. And More Profiles.

What is your view on shidduch groups that send out profiles of people to whomever requests them? I miss the old-fashioned personal dating system through schadchanim or friends without resumes.

CH mother...
Guest
CH mother...

Thanks to Mrs. Zukernik for writing this article. And thanks to whomever for posting Rabbi Moss’ remarks – right on! Finding one’s mate is not easy.

I met my wife on Facebook,
Guest
I met my wife on Facebook,

Baruch Hashem for Facebook… I met my wife on Facebook

100% Agree in Social Media Time Out
Guest
100% Agree in Social Media Time Out

During my kallah class, Pre-Facebook Age, my mashpia told me never discuss with my friends any gifts that my husband got me, even if its small like getting flowers for shabbos. The reason being is that this might cause envy from my friends and unintentionally might lead to potential fights with their spouses. For example, my friend kept noticing that a friends husband was always showering her in designer purses. Although her husband buys her things as well, she did in fact feel jealous, because that friend would alway brag about the things her husband had bought her. This caused… Read more »

A Critic
Guest
A Critic

To the author
You make some very valid points. Thanks.

ch resident
Guest
ch resident

Well said. Thank you for putting this up. Its something that we all need to hear

I've stuck it out--no pictures!
Guest
I've stuck it out--no pictures!

Shadchans who insist on pictures are so wrong. They are enabling the phenomenon of superficiality. Discriminating clients will call them on it.

Thank you for writing this, Shimona! Good article. I wish people would take it to heart and not have broken hearts of loneliness.

Times have changed.
Guest
Times have changed.

I don’t like the idea of all these newfangled social media ways of meeting a potential partner either. But I am old, and that is the way a lot of youngsters pair up and eventually marry – maybe. At least the ultimate goal of a good marriage is still there. The social media way is the reality now, even though I can see so many pitfalls. However, surely it is better to have ‘too much’ rather than ‘not enough’ choice?

yasher ko'ach
Guest
yasher ko'ach

As an older single, this message speaks to me. Thank you for writing it.

to #15
Guest
to #15

It seems like you have a problem with kabbala not with the auther!

No picture?
Guest
No picture?

The notion of doing away with pictures is ludicrous.

What exactly are you afraid of? It’s not like someone snaps a picture of you at random and sends it over. You have the opportunity to do a proper portrait with makeup, lighting etc…

To #2 From #5
Guest
To #2 From #5

I didn’t say you’re in denial about the dangers of social media.
I said you’re in denial if you think your kids can’t get ensnared. And I stand by that statement.
You’d do well to make sure your rose colored glasses (as it pertains to what you think are “Immune families”) are actually clear glasses that see real roses, as opposed to fake pictures that obstruct what’s really going on.

Love!
Guest
Love!

Thank you, I love this!

Great article Shimona!!
Guest
Great article Shimona!!

As usual, very perceptive and meaningful. Thank you for taking the time to write this up!

D.G.
Guest
D.G.

I met my wife on Facebook.

i met my husband on facebook
Guest
i met my husband on facebook

And we are happily married.

I can boil this writers issue down to a simple point… shidduchims parnassah are at stake…

Pictures!
Guest
Pictures!

I think the whole picture system and FB allows people to search up what the other half looks like makes us no difference to the non-religious world. A boy sees a girl or a girl sees a boy and likes what they see, so they date. It bases the start of the whole relationship on appearance. However if a couple meet without seeing a picture of each other first, it could be that if the guy/girl saw a picture at the outset they would never have agreed to go out but since they didn’t they go on with the first… Read more »

My bashert is into Facebook
Guest
My bashert is into Facebook

Baruch Hashem, my bashert, whom I met more than 30 years ago, is into ‘Facebook.” He has his head in the books, the seforim – chitas, Rambam, sichos. He realizes the other Facebook which he once had is a real waste of time and isn’t for our Lubavitch ‘kups.’ Our face belongs in the real books, the seforim; it is a huge waste of time, and one does not need to resort to this way of finding his/her bashert. Perhaps if the people who found their spouse on Facebook would have connected to friends who would connect to their friends… Read more »

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