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Sunday, 21 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 26, 2019

    You Saw Me Yesterday at Shul…

    Musings of a single mother living in Crown Heights and her interactions with friends at shul about her appearance and life. Full Story

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    Young Father Still Needs Tehillim

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    Single dad of nine
    Guest
    Single dad of nine

    I truly can understand and have empathy for your situation, I was a single father of nine children ages 4-19. Unfortunately when you become a single parent no matter what the reason was or is you’re labeled as a “not a functioning family” so people don’t feel comfortable dealing with you or having contact with your children and theirs. And then the uncomfortability of going to someone’s house and being single can cause an unbalanced situation if you’re male or female. This is the time to search deep inside yourself for inner strength. Also having a great Maspia to listen… Read more »

    get you
    Guest
    get you

    not to minimize your plight. everyone shleped a peckel. the single mom. the single dad. the orphaned kids. the parents who lost a child. the adults in an abusive marriage who stick it out. if you want help, ask for it. maybe the mother is so overwhelmed herself that she does not have an hour to give you so you can go to a shiur or shopping. she has not done that herself. the extra jar of soup in the freezer is for when she cannot cook as her life is so so overwhelming as well. yes everyone needs to… Read more »

    Exactly
    Guest
    Exactly

    Beautifully written, exactly how I feel as a single mom.
    Thanks for bringing this to the attention of others!

    Thank you .  So needed
    Guest
    Thank you . So needed

    Ty for the practical advice , as I think many are just clueless

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    You are so strong and brave. Thank you for sharing, this opened my mind and heart.
    Sending you all the brachos of everything you need.

    Something to Consider
    Guest
    Something to Consider

    When Hashem creates a shidduch it’s because, G-d Almighty in His Infinite Wisdom, knows that this man and this woman are the single best people for each other and that this relationship is intended to accomplish things and last forever, and even as the Zohar says that even in the next life time, if they didn’t finish their job together the first time they are brought back together to finish their work as a team… The bottom line is even though the Torah may give a person a way out and even though there may be seemingly impossible problems that… Read more »

    Single father
    Guest
    Single father

    I do understand your fustrations. I am a single father and I dont get any compassion. At least people have sone compassion for women. But for a single dad…..not much at all. Cant even find a car pool help…. well it helps me realize that Hashem is in charge. And he is the best to rely on…

    As parents
    Guest
    As parents

    We have to remember that our children have only one father and have only one mother and this one father and one mother are the only people in the world endowed with the ability to raise the children we create and we need to respect each other for the sake of the children because it has been decreed in heaven that this mother and his father are to raise this child and only they have the ability to do it

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    Had no idea!
    Thanks for bringing this to the attention of others, I personally will try harder. Hope others will too.

         Self Defense Studio CH
    Guest
    Self Defense Studio CH

    Please,bring your boys 899 Mongomery st.Sunday 6pm.May be some of year sons will like my program. 718 288 2947. Alexander Tubis.

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    Thank you for sharing. This is a very important peice and extremely well written. Good luck to you, you should see many open and revealed Brochos!

    Amen!
    Guest
    Amen!

    Unfortunately until it hits close to home, many don’t understand divorce.
    Women are judged for leaving.
    In most of the cases I know where women left ,it was because of addiction, abuse (of any kind) or mental illness.
    It is time for people as a community to become aware and knowledgeable in these issues.
    Thank you for writing this and promoting more awareness.

    Take charge of your life
    Guest
    Take charge of your life

    All these Op-eds are of people whining and being so entitled. No one owes you anything. If you want help- people are happy to help, just cheerfully and respectfully ask and you’ll see that everyone would be glad to lend a hand. It’s no ones responsibility to reach out to you and think about you. The woman you met in Shul? She just found a huge tumor in her daughter’s stomach and they are going through frantic testing now. The guy who is your neighbor? His mother just had a stroke and he’s busy juggling. The other friend? Just gave… Read more »

    can we talk?
    Guest
    can we talk?

    you sound like an incredible young woman and my heart goes out to you..Unfortunately, im over 50, so i dont have kids in school or playing ballgames, so i dont know if i can be of practical help..but heres my number to talk; 917-754-4294..i hope some younger women will respond ..

    Someone who really cares
    Guest
    Someone who really cares

    Bsd
    I am a dedicated lubavitcher. You must know that hashem and the Rebbe are together with you and your children infinitely all the way forever. Talk to hashem. Talk to the Rebbe. And tell your children to also. They are listening and even more than that they are helping you every single step of the way.

    Excellent article!
    Guest
    Excellent article!

    Thank you for writing this .
    Yes, everyone should be opening their eyes to the people around them and help!!!

    This is not the place to write about sticking it out nor ‘ask for the help”.
    Many people can not, or will not ask for help for many reasons. Your job is to offer it and they will gladly accept it.

    Agree
    Guest
    Agree

    Agree with #16
    100% right

    To # 6
    Guest
    To # 6

    Actually, you are right, but at the same time, you are dead wrong. Because when it comes to marriages with Narcissistic Personality disordered spouse, then the mission they are supposed to accomplish together is for the affected spouse to learn to love themselves and be compassionate fir themselves to such an extent, that they finally do what Hashem truly wants, and leave. And if they don’t learn it in their first time together, they will be forced to be together again until they finally learn that they are worthy. And then they must heal from the terrible trauma of this… Read more »

    Thank you for sharing
    Guest
    Thank you for sharing

    As a single mother of three, my heart goes out to your beautiful children. My heart aches for them and all the many facets to their suffering. May Hashem end this galus and forever wipe away our tears.

    What is wrong with commenters?!
    Guest
    What is wrong with commenters?!

    Why would your shun divorcing? She didn’t even say she’s divorced, if she is- she already is, and whatever your views on divorce she is having a hard time! And that is just A DUMB THING TO SAY.
    And people like to vent. Don’t tell her not to complain. I mean she can complain, you can complain about her complainig, and I can complain about you- but seriously?!

    To #6 and #8
    Guest
    To #6 and #8

    How dare you! This is your advice to a woman who writes that her children’s father walked out?! Write another op-ed with all the information regarding the importance of the creation of marriage and raising children. This article was beautifully written from the heart. Know that people do want to help, but sometimes don’t know how to offer. To all those that do want to help, your opportunity for asking how is her opening line of, “I’m not doing that great and could use some help.” May Hashem shower you and your children with brochos = and may you receive… Read more »

    Food for thought
    Guest
    Food for thought

    For those of you commenting that single mom should ask for help- consider this: getting help from others serves two purposes. 1. The actual help 2. The feeling of being cared for/thought about when help is offered.
    Single moms, and others in need of help need both! So asking for help can address the physical need for help, but being offered help serves both purposes. Yes- sometimes people need to ask for what they need, but that doesn’t absolve us, as a community from keeping an eye out for others and offering help, which also provides care.

    Yes!   #16 - re: asking for help
    Guest
    Yes! #16 - re: asking for help

    Excellent article – may you be benched with nachas and everything easy. But it’s true that only a certain type of person can ask for help. Most people find that very hard, for many reasons. Very hard, Those who suggest that this should be done are correct – as no one can read someone’s mind – but neverthelss, for a few reasons it is hard to ask (and perhaps get a refusal – but still out of a few refusal, on occasion one may hit the jackpot and there will be an occasional person who will empathize and be able… Read more »

    I totally agree
    Guest
    I totally agree

    I’m a child of divorced parents… very regular lubavitch person, and Hashem decided this should be. I personally identify with her pain. It’s not the help she needs so much, as the support. Because you have no idea how much it hurts.(I’m not saying this is the only cause of pain, everyone calm down).
    And… for kids who’s parents are divorced… chv another Lubavitcher from any undivided home should ever marry them!
    Perhaps… Lubavitchers should read what the Rebbe wrote on this topic… and then make lubavitch choices..

    What is wrong with this picture ??
    Guest
    What is wrong with this picture ??

    We have just finished Peasch – leaving our limitations – and have started counting Sefira to refine ourselves. A brave young woman writes an article to give us each a glimpse into the very sad & difficult realities of her life and the life of her young children. Altho some of these comments were BH kind and concerned, I am SHOCKED at the lack of pushat Ahavas Yisroel and mentchlikite. This woman doesn’t need your lectures (#13) and certainly doesn’t need your completely LaLaLand & judgmental advice ( #6) Does anyone out there honestly think a parent with children just… Read more »

    Anonymous crown heights single mom
    Guest
    Anonymous crown heights single mom

    Thank you for sharing this and thank you for asking for help. If someone is asking for help it means they need it . Sending you love!If you can’t help than don’t judge. Being kind and non judgmental is helpful too. No one is superhuman and everyone myself included has someone or people helping them out at least in some way otherwise they are hiding under appearances.Thank you for your anonymous post and grateful I can share anonymously too. It’s true about appearances like my children’s dad who is all about the appearances and tries to frame me when I’m… Read more »

    Chaska, Chaska venitchazek!
    Guest
    Chaska, Chaska venitchazek!

    Thank you for letting is know that even if you look good and put together, you still need a hug, emotional support and help. I might not be able to help physically, as I’m myself a mother of not 6 BH and don’t have it easy, but I’ll try to make more effort to be there for you, or other women in your situation. I want to wish you and your kids behatzlecha raba and lots of strength to deal with your tests in life. I also wanted to add that I saw revealed miracles time after time after I… Read more »

    Response to number 6
    Guest
    Response to number 6

    Yes, Hashem does have infinite plans, and sometime they do not work out perfectly, and divorce is the right choice.

    It seemingly looks like u have never been in such a situation, nor do u understand what we go thru.

    So please, save ur “high and mighty” for ur avodas Hashem,,,and if u can’t have empathy for others, then just stand at the side and be quiet.

    a point
    Guest
    a point

    for those who commented ‘just ask for help’, as a single parent myself i can tell you how difficult it is to ask for help.

    People need to be intuitive and a simple and real, ‘how are you?’ ‘is there anything I can help you with?’ or ‘here’s a check for Chanuka/Purim/Sukos…’ buy yourself or your kids something’ may be all that is needed and truly appreciated

    To #6
    Guest
    To #6

    YOU are a voice of destruction! YOU, in your deep and shameful ignorance, pull out a Zohar out of context and use it as a weapon of destruction! YOU and those like you should just stay in your own miserable or happy marriages, and DO NOT give advice to others. Whether you are a victim of abuse and want it, or are living in wedded bliss, or are so incredibly insensitive as to make these comments, just shut up! YOU are adding to the problem.

    Yes - Our boys need you!!
    Guest
    Yes - Our boys need you!!

    As a single mother, it can be very uncomfortable calling to ask if you can take my boys to shul/father son events. My son is now in his mid-teens, living without his father for approx. 10 years. At the beginning I tried finding men who would include him, but gave up after receiving a few negative responses. It’s intimidating and uncomfortable. My son did not go to shul nor participate in any father son events in his formative years. It broke my heart. We’re not here to kvetch, just to point out something that people out there may not have… Read more »

    To 6
    Guest
    To 6

    Just no. Gittin is there for a reason.
    Besides it sounds in the article like it wasn’t even a choice (husband disappeared)

    Just stop preaching and be compassionate

    different responses
    Guest
    different responses

    As you can see, in life, people respond differently to the same situation and letter written.
    Both are right. People expect and people should offer.
    As long as its positive on both sides.Negativity doesn’t get us anywhere. Look for solutions and look to help others.

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    That’s quite an abrasive response, #13. Perhaps when someone is in pain, the best response is not to kick her? In the words of my mother, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all “

    To number 16
    Guest
    To number 16

    It’s not the place here to tell her to ask for help but it is the place here for her to demand that other people just offer?

    to number 13
    Guest
    to number 13

    Totally agree.

    Crown heights residents
    Guest
    Crown heights residents

    I have a very difficult time my family is going through. Baruch HaShem My friends are helping me in all ways possible.
    My NOT friends are telling me you should do this you need to go to this. You should change this. Stick to the friends who are helping you. Those are the true friends.

    Aaron
    Guest
    Aaron

    BS”D Excellent piece what Shul do your sons stand outside of on Shabbos

    My Extended Family
    Guest
    My Extended Family
    Shocked in ice
    Guest
    Shocked in ice

    Two comments above shock me at the hubris ( look it up) and the cold icy heart they express:

    A young woman shares her feelings of her heart and you give a long dissertation blaming her situation on why did she become a single mom!

    And another comment that he or she dislikes entitled people !

    Both comments bring out a fundamental lack of intelligence tact common sense and most of all a very icy soul.

    It’s a great time of year to fix your lack of proper middos
    Good luck

    Sending love
    Guest
    Sending love

    Thank you for your honesty. We all needed to hear it. Sending love and support and chizuk.

    Sensitivity please in your comments
    Guest
    Sensitivity please in your comments

    To the writer, please ignore comments that are insensitive and hurtful. And to those who comment, when someone opens their heart, try to respond to the best of your ability and just try to imagine being in their shoes. The writer is asking for empathy, remember? She is the voice of someone who is struggling. Ahavas Yisroel is the response.

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    Great eye opener
    Great comments!
    People are really getting it and good responses to people who are not!

    Author of article
    Guest
    Author of article

    Thank you for the kind and compassionate responses. I don’t actually live in Crown Heights. I’m far away in a wonderful Jewish community which does not yet have any infrastructure such as ‘My extended family’ or ‘sister to sister’ and other such organisations which exist in the US. This article was originally written a year ago when I was going through an acute period of difficulty. I was doing all in my power to access help via the correct channels both communally and governmental etc yet was hitting brick walls and not managing to get the support I needed to… Read more »

    Do NOT judge!!!
    Guest
    Do NOT judge!!!

    For those who responded in a caring way to this woman, THANK YOU! To those who “gently” (or not so gently) asked this VALIANT single Mom to stop “kvetching” (or WORSE) suggested she (& her children!) should have ENDURED an ABUSIVE marriage, (intimating it is Hashem’s “Will”) thank you for ADDING (G-d forbid!) to her tzuris… The Alter Rebbe said you can NEVER walk in someone else’s shoes, as EVEN if your problems are IDENTICAL, you have NO CLUE as to the resources & abilities Hashem has or hasn’t provided them to cope. Single women w/ children are a much… Read more »

    To #6
    Guest
    To #6

    Not only is your comment not helpful, it is also ill informed. Your comment was written on 4/7 so by now you would have surely learned the first page of Talmud Sotah, where it discusses first and second marriages. A quick peruse of commentaries will quickly enlighten you, how this fairy tale Zohar which you made up (I challenge you to show me a source) is a very specific and unique situation. Per the Rambam, one only marries the name who was selected for them 40 days before formation of the baby, if they are righteous and merit it. Most… Read more »

    Painful to see such stupidity
    Guest
    Painful to see such stupidity

    Some of the the comments on here are outrageous .
    G-d does not believe in abusive marriages .Stop with the Zohar.
    Get educated about abuse.

    to the writer of the article
    Guest
    to the writer of the article

    you should know that many, many moms who are not single cannot do late night shopping, nor can they attend simchas or shiurim, nor find a babysitter. And moreover, they ask other men to watch their children in shul or learn with them on Shabbat, or do anything with them that requires a male adult. In all of the cases, the mother has to go to the neighbor and ask him if he will give some time to her sons and usually he will be only too willing. He will not differentiate whether the father is dead, divorced, missing, abroad,… Read more »

    Masks
    Guest
    Masks

    This letter is well written and touching. To the writer: I feel for you. Raising a family alone must be such a lonely, challenging experience, on top of all the pain you carry. To all single parents out there: please know that I wish I could be there for you to support, help, invite and just listen. Please just know this: I, the one who seems to have the perfect life and have it all together, am actually barely managing myself. I too wear masks, and dress up so you don’t know I am either in the throes of early… Read more »

    The Rebbe on Div...
    Guest
    The Rebbe on Div...

    Throughout the over 40 years of leadership that the Rebbe maintained there are less than five known cases where the Rebbe even hinted that a husband and wife should separate and there are literally 0 cases that the Rebbe actively facilitated the ending of a marriage

    considering the tens of thousands of cases that were probably presented to the Rebbe this statistic is amazing and serves as proof that…

    We are in a new tekufa
    Guest
    We are in a new tekufa

    Beginning from taf shin mem ches, we began a new tekufa – the Rebbe said it more clearly in nun alef and nun beis . This new tekufa signifies the restoration of the Feminine to her original greatness, and beyond. The suppression of the Feminine (shechina) kept the universe in galus mode, and thus, until her silenced voice is heard and honored, evil will continue to flourish, chas v’shalom. There is allot of chassidus on this. So while it’s true that the Rebbe rarely encouraged divorce in His lifetime, it is also true that it was not yet the era… Read more »

    Sorry, I meant # 50
    Guest
    Sorry, I meant # 50

    My response is to # 50, not 49. Sorry

    It is painful to write this warning
    Guest
    It is painful to write this warning

    We are now all aware that sometimes those males who are overly interested in “helping out” with psychologically needy boys may actually be motivated by their own sickness, rather than by compassion. So while I certainly understand why a single mother would be very grateful for a male volunteering to help out with her sons, I would advise you to be careful & to ask around as to who these helpful bochurim/neighbors truly are. It is currently a bitter Golus, and these kids have enough on their plate already. Our #1 job as parents, whether married or single, is to… Read more »

    am there now
    Guest
    am there now

    i am not a single mom but i dont have time or ability to go to a shiur. i also do not go to have my nails or sheitel done. i work full time and raise a large family. my husband is totally not capable but i stick it out. no one owes me anything. i put on some makeup, do my shaitel so i can look presentable. i wake up the boys early for minyom even though i was up nursing a baby most of the night. i clean and cook late into the night starting at night after… Read more »

    Gittin
    Guest
    Gittin

    The whole part of the Gemara in Gittin ends with the encouragement, “you should not break the marriage”

    The Rambam
    Guest
    The Rambam

    Says clearly that one may not end a first marriage unless there is proof that the woman cheated…the Rambam doesn’t bring down abuse, as bad as it is, as grounds to end the holy Union between man and woman.

    It should be noted that the Rebbe writes that the Rebbeim did not even use the word “divorce” because they saw the whole concept as such a sad “anti-make a dira” thing

    A Jewish marriage is not an abusive marriage
    Guest
    A Jewish marriage is not an abusive marriage

    Is it a real Jewish marriage when a man treats his wife with hatred and contempt and hurts her just to hurt and punish for no reason but his own issues towards himself or woman despite all her efforts ? There are too many woman who are torment d everyday walking on eggshells. No human deserves that. Abusive marriages destroys souls and is the complete opposite of Sholom bayis! It’s an aveirah not a mitzvah.

    The pattern is always the same
    Guest
    The pattern is always the same

    It seems that anytime an article such as this one appears – touching on divorce or the alternative, to stay in a dysfunctional & dangerous (physically or psychologically) marriage the comments from hopelessly naive people come pouring forth quoting all types of sources why a Jewish marriage is forever. So, after much thought, I have come up with a great way to educate those who order a spouse to stay in such a situation : Let’s offer those judgmental people an all-expenses paid year locked up with a narcissist, pathological liar, sociopath, emotionally or verbally or financially or physically abusive… Read more »

    To #57 - Excellent point !
    Guest
    To #57 - Excellent point !

    The Rebbe’s letter to every Chosson & Kallah contains a CONDITIONAL brocha : “If this is a home built on the foundation of Torah & Mitzvos” – a home where there is ongoing abuse tragically is not a kali for the Rebbe’s brocha for a binyan adei ad … And anyone who genuinely seeks a Halachic understanding of an abusive home & what the emesdik options are should listen to Rabbi YY Jacobson’s recording online from last year on the topic.

    Wow
    Guest
    Wow

    I’m very surprised at some comments. Yes, we all have a lot going on and it may be difficult to reach out and help another. But that is our job. We need to lookout and reach out to those struggling more than we are in whichever way that we can. There must be something you can offer , and if you can’t, learn how to empathize. This article has nothing to do with why someone is single. And nothing to do with ones ability to ask for help. It’s pointing out the need for us to be a bit more… Read more »

    To #55 and 56
    Guest
    To #55 and 56

    In the Era of Geualah, the Rebbe said that halacha will be paskened differently in the geulah Era, which is now, so lav davkah is what was true for yesterday, true for today. From Chassidus about Era, all the way back to the Alter Rebbe, it is clear that what you are quoting is not relevant to our generation.

    Aguna of commenter #6
    Guest
    Aguna of commenter #6

    To all those of you who feel incensed at the cruel & naive response of #6-
    This was actually written by my estranged husband, who has left me a young Aguna, w/no child support.
    So it comes as no surprise that he would state such an ‘opinion,’ & continue to, kiviyachol, manipulate Torah to his benefit.
    Thank you to all you true Lubavitchers who stand by the Emes & refuse to condone abuse, in whichever form it comes. Especially, the ghastly strain of abuse which masks itself in ‘piety.’
    MoshiachNow

    #62
    Guest
    #62

    Shame on rabbonim and powerful community leaders who don’t use their power to help woman like you in need of a gett.

    To #62 and others
    Guest
    To #62 and others

    Sometimes the words of Torah seem “not applicable given MY circumstances, etc.” but as observant Jews and Chassidim of the Rebbe we must at least consider that there is always a chance that peace and improvement can be made within even the most difficult circumstances and as the Rebbe relates …that the success and failure of every relationship, especially a marriage, is “up to me” and not the other side.

    To #63
    Guest
    To #63

    The Torah does not give anyone the power OR right to end a marriage other than BOTH the husband and wife together…this is the way the Abeishter created it, whether it makes sense to us or not

    #48 you are so wrong
    Guest
    #48 you are so wrong

    I too am a single mom. For YEARS I asked, begged, even offered to pay, someone to sit with my sons in shul, to be with them for avos u’banim events. My boys were saved from a physically abusive and dangerous father, but they suffered greatly from being treated as pariahs by the men on the block and at shul. I asked and the answer was almost always NO. I finally managed to connect with a couple of people who had brains and hearts, and they were wonderful. B”H we persevered and B”H my boys all survived and thrived. But… Read more »

    my 2 cents
    Guest
    my 2 cents

    first of all – virtual hugs!!! you are going through a rough time and it’s hard! 2/while acknowledging your pain you need to be careful of the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. many married people have husbands who for whatever reason are not there for them in many ways. there are many advantages to being married but it doesn’t always mean double income/ halved responsibilities. 3/while saying that 1/you are going through a tough time 2/you aren’t alone – here are some ideas a/make a happiness journal – write down everyday at least one good thing you… Read more »

    Correct
    Guest
    Correct

    We are of course speaking of a spouse who was totally determined that the status of the marriage is ” up to me”, to no avail, for the other spouse is so incompatible with marriage, that to remain any longer is detrimental for the well-being of this spouse and the kids as well, who can’t receive the nurture they need bec the affected parent is totally worn down and shut down by the abuse. It is for these situations that the holy Torah has laws of Gittin. Let’s be sensitive – if you have not been in their shoes- you… Read more »

    To 64
    Guest
    To 64

    Can someone knowledgeablw please respond to this outrageous comment

    #64
    Guest
    #64

    You can’t say that when you go to counseling and you do everything the counsellor says but your husband still wants to be with other women, wants to gamble and walks out because he doesn’t want to be frum and doesn’t want to be married. How do you solve that?????

    To number 1:
    Guest
    To number 1:

    I agree. It’s soooo sad that ppl label others based on “not the bieng the perfect family.” I know someone who’s a 17 year old family friend who had a friend who can’t see her anymore “cuz the family is cursed.” Me and my family are still great friends with her and her family. Just b/c the parents are divorced it doesn’t mean that the kids aren’t sweet and normle kids. Wishing evreyone only simchos brachos and good news to share.

    A question for #64
    Guest
    A question for #64

    A mentally ill person is holding a loaded gun against your head. Please explain – since it is all “up to you & NOT the other side” – how you save your life ?

    To #65
    Guest
    To #65

    If you are that man who isn’t giving his wife a gett than being that the Torah and Halacha is designed that way you should give her the gett because she doesn’t want to be married and abused by you. You’re not giving her a gett bec you’re n abuser and it’s the last bit of power you have over her and the powerful community leaders and people in the community should shun you b cause you are an evil monster woman abuser! Of course the gett you would be even willing to give her if that were to happen… Read more »

    To 65
    Guest
    To 65

    Okay so than if the Torah and Halacha is designed this way than when one wants a gett the other should give them one. It’s obvious who the abuser is when he doesn’t give a gett when his wife wants one or offers one attached with conditions . Either scenario it’s about still continuing to abuse and harass their ex wether by forcing her to stay married or giving a gett with conditions that allow him to bother and harass her after divorce. And these abusers know how to do it in such a way that they come across as… Read more »

    The Nekuda
    Guest
    The Nekuda

    If one of the spouses wants to apologize/fix the mistakes/acknowledge the need for fixing past mistakes and reoccurring things…this should be grounds for the other spouse to give it “another” try even if the “last try” was a failure.

    When we believe the Abeishter is truly able to do anything we are less likely to resort to ending things because we envision the “humanly impossible” = “Divenly possible”

    The Rebbe never quit

    Clear up a few things
    Guest
    Clear up a few things

    BH I have to agree with people who say that some of these responses are callous. I just want to point something out, the Rebbe’s father was well versed in Gittin and it was said that he sobbed every time he had to write a get. So it’s not so cut and dry that the Rebbe ever said not to divorce. Second off, there are 7 basherts, not just one, as well as the idea that you have one for each level of your soul meaning 5, but that is why a failed marriage is just as beshert as a… Read more »

    My heart goes out to you
    Guest
    My heart goes out to you

    Now that my husband has been in and out of hospitals for two years I can empathize with the pain of having your boys embarrassed to go to shul alone without tatty or coming home miserable because people question the poor kid non stop about his father’s well being.

    To #50
    Guest
    To #50

    There are printed letters in igros where the Rebbe tells people to get divorced – and fast. Don’t speak before you do research.
    Obviously, thank Hashem, most people are healthy individuals, and their problems aren’t serious, so the overwhelming majority of letters will not encourage divorce.
    I challenge you to list one letter where the Rebbe encourages a woman to stay in an abusive marriage!! (Because context matters)

    Lots of food for thought
    Guest
    Lots of food for thought

    Lots of food for thought here.It is a subject which is close to home for me, growing up in a divorced family (but where both parents were “present”, although one out lived out of town). Generally speaking, I commend the author for expressing her feelings, and doing so articulately and fairly. For me personally, growing up as a child in a divorced family was difficult at times but certainly not insurmountable. Like commenter #13, I feel that in many situations it is up to the individual to take charge of their situation, and ask for the help that they need.… Read more »

    #78
    Guest
    #78

    See for example letter 5335

    ה’שלה
    ב”ה, ה’ ניסן, תשי”ז

    ברוקלין.

    שלום וברכה!

    במענה על מכתבו מכ”ט אד”ש והמברק שקדמו, בו כותב אודות ענין… תחי’.

    כפי שמתאר המצב צריכים היו לפנות בהקדם לרב מורה הוראה בישראל בענינים כאלו ולפרט לפניו המצב העכשוי והשתלשלות הדברים אשר יפסוק הדין מתאים להוראת תורתנו תורת חיים, ובטח לא יענה את הדין, כי כשם שבכלל גדול השלום ובפרט בין איש לאשתו, כמו כן במקרים מסוימים וכו’, ושקדו חכמים על תקנת בנות ישראל.

    מכתבי מענה על מכתבו הקודם בטח הגיעו בעתו.

    בברכה לחג פסח כשר ושמח,

    בשם כ”ק אדמו”ר שליט”א

    מזכיר

    Note: It’s not discussing abuse

    Does the Mizbeach Cry when Abusive marriage ends?
    Guest
    Does the Mizbeach Cry when Abusive marriage ends?

    A talk by Rabbi YY Jacobson and Adai Ad

    https://www.adaiad.org/jacobson

    Outstanding article, thank you
    Guest
    Outstanding article, thank you

    Thank you for your heartfelt expressions,
    You have inspired me,
    To #13, I am shocked to read your approach,
    Who says that this woman does not reach out to others in need, or is nor sensitive to the pain of others,
    She, together with others in need should be the recipient of many of the ideas she suggests.
    We should all take this to heart,

    A virtual hug
    Guest
    A virtual hug

    To the author of this beautifully written heartfelt and honest piece. Thank you for opening our eyes and encouraging people to look beyond what they see and to try to reach out and help others. I want to bless you with all of the support, love, and help that you need and more, that you get your rightful Gett asap, that your children will feel and from now on be treated like the upstanding chayalim of the Rebbe that they ARE, that you will all be showered with only love and brachos from everyone around you, from the worldwide chabad… Read more »

    Appearances
    Guest
    Appearances

    When someone asks for help they probably need it. And that includes another group, the single mother who’s married but is responsible for everything in the same way a single mother is excepts she’s also still being abused. Or the single divorced mothers who appear to have it better than other single mothers bec their children aren’t completely abandoned by their father except he only shows up for public appearances and still causes damage to his ex using fear tactics. I have lived through and survived similar scenarios except I haven’t overcome anxiety and abuse + assault related ptsd because… Read more »

    to  # 14
    Guest
    to # 14

    who says women over 50 can’t baby sit or send a pot of soup over to someone who needs it? If this single parent doesn’t have the time to put up supper for her kids she certainly doesn’t have the time to “talk.”

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