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Tuesday, 14 Heshvan, 5780
  |  November 12, 2019

Why Am I Not “Shayech?”

From the COLlive inbox: After getting my hopes up that this could be 'the one', within 2 hours of speaking to the Shadchan, those 6 words pop up on my screen - "They don't think it's Shayech." Full Story

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Beautifully written
Guest
Beautifully written

I’yh you and all the other single ladies, will find someone who is ‘shayech’ for you in every way!

Off the mark
Guest
Off the mark

Just because you may be a great girl does not necessarily mean you are the best match for this specific boy. People have all kinds of reason for rejecting a shidduch. Its part of the process. There are 2 specifics I would like to point out to you: 1) when my oldest daughter was in shiduchim a family turned her down with exactly the words that were told to you “great girl but not shayach”. It turns out their very good boy needed a girl who was somewhat eccentric. They were smart about it and found him exactly what suited… Read more »

I dont understand
Guest
I dont understand

If indeed “When all is said and done, I would never want to marry into such a judge mental mentality. So your right, it is not Shayech. Jokes on you”, then, what purpose and to whom exactly are you writing your article?

Parents
Guest
Parents

Maybe she wants to go out with the guy you just said no to or maybe she is afraid to tell you how she really feels . Let her speak listen to what she wants and in the end you will all be happy

so right
Guest
so right

It’s time we as parents do what’s best for our children

you can spin this every way
Guest
you can spin this every way

Perhaps they quickly and rightly realized that someone like you is honestly worthy of a husband better than their sons. Perhaps they did you a favor?

not shayech
Guest
not shayech

I’ve told my mother about certain girls for my brother- not shayach. My brother clearly saying he needs a
Calm wife. Not a head counselor.. Macher etc.
What s a catch for one boy is not for someone else nothing to do with family!

you said it yourself...
Guest
you said it yourself...

He will be marrying his wife and obviously you’re not his wife. Instead of feeling offended you should feel grateful that you didn’t waste your time pursuing a guy who is not your husband. You’re gonna marry your husband whether you like it or not. So stop trying to date a nice guy and start looking to meet your husband. Hashem will take care of it if you just let him.

it is true
Guest
it is true

Many parents say no bc they want someone pretter, richer, smarter etc, not thinking about what’s best for their kid
that bwing said most do think about what’s best, and sometimes it’s not shayach

finding your basherte.
Guest
finding your basherte.

Plenty of gezhe families get this same message. Monied families too. Maybe the family has a niece who knows you andthe family called her and not YOUR references.
Bottom line, these aren’t sales calls. We aren’t auditioning for parts. There are no trial periods.
Emunah and bitachon are the essential qualities for you to develop, that Hashem will send you your bashert and you will be so grateful to have found him. I have married a number of my own children. It’s not easy. Golus isn’t easy.

Well written!  - So true.
Guest
Well written! - So true.

Just experienced the exact situation. So true – who suffers????? their own son. Saying goes…what saychel will not teach you…..time will. Time will teach them about what is truly important in life. Your bashert should come very soon and he will be one lucky guy!

attention parents
Guest
attention parents

go home

What would you rather them say???
Guest
What would you rather them say???

Not shayech means ‘not a good match’.
Great guy & Great girl, but maybe not for each other.
Why is that offensive?
Would you rather they SPELL OUT all the reasons you are not the right match?

Head Couselor boys
Guest
Head Couselor boys

I have seen this term too many times, as in post #7. As a former head counselor, I do not see myself as a macher, although I am a shliach etc. My co-head counselors were a mix of machers and otherwise.

I am only writing this being that the shidduch scene is so difficult. Please do not assume that because someone was a HC in a large camp that they are loud, gregarious and always take charge people. etc.

I agree, its very frustrating!! But also..
Guest
I agree, its very frustrating!! But also..

Would you go out with a guy that you hear great things about even if there was a lot of things that bothered you about him? If you are a smart and intellectual girl you are probably not going to want to date a guy who has severe ADHD, stopped learning at 18, didn’t get smicha and never pursued a career, even if he has a heart of gold. Because even though he’s a great guy, he’s not for you.

Well written. New Shiduch system
Guest
Well written. New Shiduch system

We gotta start making a new way of dating where parents are less involved and not selfish to “protect their own image” or try to build there self confidence based on who their kids marry???

Let shadchanim be in touch with the boys themselves but also not applying too much pressure on them… when they don’t feel its right…

How does that sound??? from a 26 yr old bochur, who doesn’t even know what names are being suggested to him…Sadly

agree to an extant
Guest
agree to an extant

When people say not shayach without giving a reason that is very disrespectful. You are essentially saying”you are not good enough. ….” how low and snobby. Definitely not the way chassidim think it communicate. So to those ” chassidishe” families think again before holding your noise high and sending such an anti-ahavas yisroel message. Umm no you can’t be such a chassidishe family if you have no concept of not talking down to a fellow Jew or chossid. And then there are those families whom I so respect. That although they didn’t feel this was the right one, they first… Read more »

Misunderstanding.
Guest
Misunderstanding.

“Not shayech” means that they believe that you are not compatible. This has absolutely nothing to do with your ma’alos or chisronos, nor your gezhe or non-gezhe status, it has to do with being compatible, which they believe you are not. When you studied chemistry, (if you were paying attention,) you learnt that certain physical elements in this world stick together and certain elements do not. Relationships operate in the same way: some people are compatible, and some are not. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Respect other people’s decisions just as you would want other people… Read more »

not fair
Guest
not fair

Most of the times ,(99%)the boys are the ones saying NO” ,and the Parents have to pay and be judged as shallows or stupids
BTW who is better? a geza? rich? smart? learned?
you guess ,at the end of the day : good midos is the best!!!

oh come on
Guest
oh come on

We all know the snotnoses think someone isn’t shayech because it is implied “why would they think she’d be for us”???Yes, there is a superiority message here and it is very hurtful.People with real menshlikeit have a way of saying things in the most sensitive way and dont dismiss people like they are “not worthwhile”.So stop coming up with excuses.

We need change
Guest
We need change

I am telling my younger children find yourself your own girl or boy our system does not work I have great children and they can’t get even through the step one for a Sheidach this is too long to many years too many children it’s enough

Your NAGGING...
Guest
Your NAGGING...

Is NOT shayich!

Become a principal or director of a Moisad
Guest
Become a principal or director of a Moisad

The ones working in the schools the principles make the best shidduchim they know the bochurim and they know the girls and they have the money too so if you want to succeed become a principal but guess what it’s all controlled by controlling families

Very well written!
Guest
Very well written!

Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful oped.

Sobbing.
Guest
Sobbing.

This really hits the nail on the head. I am 24, and not married. I come from a nice family, not religous, why can’t I get young man to marry me? I will continue to have bitochon!

john
Guest
john

This piece sounds like the writings of a very hurt young lady. It is very unfortunate that feelings have to be hurt like this. She seems to not have really internalised that everything is bashert. Hashem runs the world and puts everything in place and if they said its not shayich WHY DO YOU CARE just move on. YOU ARE BETTER than a person who needs to sulk on their refusals and their superficialities.

advice for girls/girls side
Guest
advice for girls/girls side

perhaps this was already said – i’m not reading all the comments – but whenever I set people up, I always present first to the boys side, and wait for a yes from them. Then I present to the girl/her side. I am not saying girls are weak and unable to handle a no, but I believe that girls are more emotional, and generally more sensitive – not to mention that with the shidduch climate as it is (not very favorable to the girls) it just hurts a little more when they feel another blow beyond their control. Often it… Read more »

Explaining
Guest
Explaining

To #3- I believe her purpose was to bring about a point. And I think she did that wonderfully.

To everyone else- she clearly said that she got a reply from the shadchan within just 2 hrs. That’s not nearly enough time for the family to do their “research” in order to realize that “it’s not shayich”

Puh-lease!
Guest
Puh-lease!

“Not shayach” simply means you have a different personality type to what the other side is looking for. It has nothing to do with overlooking your qualities.

It’s not a big deal. Get over yourself.

To #26
Guest
To #26

John, this article has nothing to do with everything being bashert. She didn’t evn talk about that, because that goes without saying. She is simply just trying to bring out a point. The world is a very judgmental and superficial place and it’s very unfortunate 🙁

Why I won't go out with you?
Guest
Why I won't go out with you?

The main reason Bochurim refuse a girl is they are concerned about the future. As a single hard-working guy I want to know that my future wife is going to work. If you want to have a frum home in today’s world you must have a job as well. It’s not economically feasible for only the man to work unless you want to live a VERY simple lifestyle which most people don’t, or wont in the future. We don’t just want to see how pretty and Eidel you are. We want to know that after you have a child you… Read more »

don't be so utterly self-centered
Guest
don't be so utterly self-centered

I don’t owe you a date. I don’t owe you a chance to prove your compatibility. A date costs me in ‘many’ ways, not even including financially, and there are thousands of girls. I am not looking for a reason to go out with you. On the contrary, i am lookig for a reason not to go out with you, if only to eliminate one more of the thousands of girls who are available. Unless i have a distinct pull to date a specific girl, i am not investing in a date. I will not invest rescheduling two days for… Read more »

mother
Guest
mother

there are many boys and many girls out there. yes i want someone for my child who has the same background, hashkofes, etc that we have. marriage is hard enough without introducing different upbringings into the mix. why would i allow no matter what amazing things i hear about a girl from an irriligious family to marry my son? should he feel embarrassed about his in laws? should his children feel embarrassed? also you might be an amazing girl/boy but my daughter might want a boy who is very chassidish and this amazing boy is not. amazing for whom? that… Read more »

# 7 you got it wrong
Guest
# 7 you got it wrong

If a girl was a Head Counselor does not mean she is a big Macher or very loud person, this is what the article was all about and you missed the point, you are judging based on you feeling not facts, yes there are a lot of head counselors who are Machers and some who are amazing girls who will be amazing wife’s / Shluchos / Mothers etc, so you respond to you mother was wrong as what you did is a total stereotype and narrow minded way of thinking, I think that whoever wrote this article is asking for… Read more »

Lucky !!!
Guest
Lucky !!!

Trust me if i was you i ll go out and celebrate with friends ,your very lucky that you were rejected , its thei loss, and ull see ur gonna find the best husband iyh….

To my dear girls,
Guest
To my dear girls,

all single girls out there, have faith and don’t worry about a thing.
I am 26 and single, and I still feel like im 21 or 22.
ive seen all types of miracles happening all around me
just believe that good things are coming your way
you are more attractive and happy when you choose to be happy – make it a decision and a choice
good luck, and im blessing you to get married soon and quickly
go through this marriage process with joy
not with sadness anxiety and fear

To #29
Guest
To #29

Personality?!?! Really?!?! That’s a first!! Pls pls don’t be so nieve!!!

Could of
Guest
Could of

Could HAVE
your – you’re

#31
Guest
#31

Good luck with all that. I sure hope you get what you want (you know, circumstances change even if someone says they forsure want to work. people also change in circumstances…). I’d far sooner see my child marry a man who absolutely does not want his wife to work, unless SHE absolutely wants to. I’d rather my son in law be bold enough to say, you take care of the kids and be a good mom, worry about their chinuch, middos etc, and hey, we’ll work it out, with Hashem of course. By no means am I talking ‘la-la land’… Read more »

Moishe
Guest
Moishe

they are plenty of girls who are very picky

Number 34
Guest
Number 34

Exactly the point!!! So well said!!

Don't take it personally
Guest
Don't take it personally

When they say it is not shayech it can also mean that they heard about your frumkeit and eidelkeit and they know that their son is not on that level. You can be more chassidish, etc. they don’t want their son to be outshined by a superior girl or intimidated by her. There can be many reasons for their saying not shayech and not ones that they can explain as it is not complementary to their son. Chazal say “Nichois darga unsiv It’sah” step down to marry a wife and it is not shayech as you are a step up… Read more »

To all the Parents out there...
Guest
To all the Parents out there...

Parents shouldn’t be rejecting a girl/guy based solely on his or hers yichus. Besides that its completely superficial and ridiculous, it also has nothing to do with who the girl/guy really is. A persons actions proves his worthiness not his dead great-grandparents. And yes i do understand that yichus may have some importance but not to this extend. And at the end of the day all different types of Jews have great yichus-comin from Avrham, Yitzchak, and Yakov.

Stam
Guest
Stam

the title is quite misleading. It says “those 6 words…” I counted 5. If I had to go out with a girl I’d rather one that would be straight forward and try not to deceive.. Maybe this is a warning sign of many other issues……

to #32
Guest
to #32

You sound a little arrogant and lack the ability to understand the broader picture.Just by thinking there are “thousands” of girls out there waiting for YOU makes you a little unrealistic and shallow.

to#39
Guest
to#39

You don’t see the double standard in that. Who said dads wouldn’t mind staying home with the kids. Why resent someone for their circumstances.

A Message to the Guys and Girls Out There: PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Guest
A Message to the Guys and Girls Out There: PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER

People, go for the girl/guy you want. Stop worrying what your friends will think. You don’t need a model or the “perfect” guy/girl to validate your worth. You are worthy enough. You are picking a guy/ girl to marry, a guy/girl that will be the father/mother of your kids and the man/ women that will be by your side till the end of your days. Through the ups and downs your going to want someone that has a head on their shoulders, someone that makes you laugh, and someone that challenges you to be the best version of yourself. The… Read more »

Some more advice....
Guest
Some more advice....

As a happily married ka’h woman of over ten years I can tell you all its not all about these externalities. If you would have looked at us on paper, no one would have introduced us. And BH we met and married and I could not ask for more in a husband. For all you singles out there, you just need a mensch. A good man. A good woman. Jobs, lineage, money, customs even – not so important- just two good, honest and caring people. And most importantly you need Hashem’s brocho and lots of emunah and bitachon!

To #11
Guest
To #11

Why is their son suffering? Maybe the parents who are older and more experienced see that this type of girl is not for him. She can even be mor mehus than him but it is still not for him. Parents want the best for their child and are being realistic

Correction:
Guest
Correction:

It is actually five words. I checked and recounted multiple times..

Chassidish BUT... With it
Guest
Chassidish BUT... With it

I Am 23 years old now learning in 770 and i feel like my parents are filtering all the names that come up. like, i would truly give this author a shot if her name came up, but it not my choice, my parents are making all the decisions. maybe i should stand up for who i am and give others the chance i would want others to give me.

to #39
Guest
to #39

Do you have any eligable sons? My mother would love to become your machatainister 😉

#31
Guest
#31

i hope that if your wife is working YOU HELP WITH THE CHILDREN!!! 50 /50 . YOUR WIFE IS NOT A WORK HORSE!! she shouldn’t be working and doing everything at home while you sleep ,because you are tired. poor thing! She is tired too!! help her with the house and children!

You Are Being Judgmental!
Guest
You Are Being Judgmental!

First and foremost you should find the right person that Hashem has destined to be your life partner. As Rabbi Leibel Groner, Shlita, advised: ” Each “no” is one step closer to the right one.” BH I have married off several children. Whoever THEY CHOSE to marry was the person that they felt they could build a life with. If for any reason they decided that the prospect was not shayech, I would always thank the person who recommended it, and extend best wishes to this party that they should have brocha v’hatzlacha in finding their rightful bashert. If parents… Read more »

To 31
Guest
To 31

U can’t be serious??!!! Ur poor wife! My daughter is in seminary and we will iyh soon be ready to start … And her #1 priority in looking for a husband is that he does NOT want her to work! Uve got it all wrong…. with today’s outside challenges mothers need more then ever to stay home! U sound extremely superficial to me and guess what? Not all girls want or care for materialistic things but rather do with out and be a stay at home mom , as I have … Yes we could have done with a second… Read more »

You are lucky?
Guest
You are lucky?

Why do you say the girl is lucky that she was rejected? Making it sound as if she is better. This mother/father/Bochurim thought she was not compatible. Maybe he is more capable than her and she wanted someone like that. It he wants someone moe capable than she is. Don’t start bad mouthing the boy who does not want you. I think it’s very kind and thoughtful to say that the girl is great (as all Jewish girls are great) just not what her son is looking for. Don’t say you are rid of him. This makes you sound like… Read more »

Why you didn't look into a simple bohur from an average family ?
Guest
Why you didn't look into a simple bohur from an average family ?

Why you girls are dreaming about the Guy from rich , famous , etc family , why you couldn’t just open your eyes and see the simple guy that will do for you a lot because he knows life basics , he works from young age ….maybe he is the best for you ? For all Yechus families -marry simple girls /boys , you will increase the Yehus families with few generations , otherwise you will disappear …. For all Rich families – marry your daughters to smart Yeshiva boys -mix your wealth with Torah Girls /Boys – start asking… Read more »

Kol hakovod
Guest
Kol hakovod

You totally got it on the nose. People are so selfish and they turn down amazing girls because of all the reasons you said. When we started shidduchim and the shadchan would come back saying they heard beautiful things etc but it’s not shayich, I used to get so upset. Parents need to learn that middos tovos and good heart is more important than yochus, money or other stuff. Anyways thank you for posting and I hope some of those people that have turned down amazing girls will read this and open up their eyes

to number 30
Guest
to number 30

Well you totally missed the point!
If she had internalised that everything is bashert she would not care about the worlds superficiality she would just move on and get on with her life. Clearly she thinks the world is not bashert and that she controls it hnce the need for her whining on col.

To #44 and #50
Guest
To #44 and #50

It actually clearly says “but they dont think its sheyach” (6 works) in the beginning of the article, but looks like COL edited it for the heading and took out the word “but”

Delusional
Guest
Delusional

Have you ever applied for a job before? Its the very same process. Don’t make it seem more archaic than it is.

Rabbi M.Oron
Guest
Rabbi M.Oron

GOOD MORNING!

Welcome to the ghezer world of Chabad!

in the past
Guest
in the past

You don’t know if the family heard your name before. That happened to us: same name from different people. It may well be that 2 hours was all they needed, if they researched you before. Maybe you have a reference saying something not negative but not positive. I question even why you are getting this feedback directly. From the shadchan to your parents would be appropriate. You shouldn’t even had been told about any of this until the boy’s side showed interest. One of the points of a shadchan is to shelter people from rejection and pain to some extent.

To number 32
Guest
To number 32

Your last sentence is kind of oxymoronic. You only heard her feelings after you rejected the date (supposedly you were the guy).
You are a very grandiose thinker to think there are thousands of girls that you can go out with (for intent of marriage v’da”l)
If money is your issue there are plenty of funds that can assist you with that.
A
Lastly if you are worried about your time and energy, I could already imagine what kind of husband/ father you’ll be.
So you convinced everybody it is not shayech.

 boo hoo
Guest
boo hoo

U need an attitude adjustment. Tryy enjoying the single/ dating scene, think of it as -MAN SHOPPING, you like shopping yes?

#32
Guest
#32

whew! i hope if ur name ever came up, id be told”Not Shayach”
u sound full of urself!

To #8
Guest
To #8

I see you’ve been listening to manis Freidman:)

I read the 1st few lines
Guest
I read the 1st few lines

How did you decide so quickly that he may be the one? Did u meet him? What do you know about him to even be slightly moved that he said he dident feel like he WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING THAT HE CAN TO SPEND HIS LIFE WITH YOU

Maturity takes time,so marry a man that is older or more experienced in emotionally challenging situations
Guest
Maturity takes time,so marry a man that is older or more experienced in emotionally challenging situations

(losing a loved one,having gone through difficulties a little sadder but wiser,etc,)
D.Benveniste Halevy

Corrections
Guest
Corrections

First of all, a girl is never ‘shayach’, she is ‘shayeches’.

And to #33: So your son would be embarrassed if he had irreligious in-laws? That’s a real shame. I wonder if the 4000+ Shluchim attending the Kinnus feel as embarrassed by all the irreligious people they encounter on a daily basis. I wonder if they feel afraid to accept donations from such lowly irreligious folk…

I would feel embarrassed if I had in-laws who were as unaccepting and narrow-minded as you are portraying yourself…

# 7 you are making a mistake
Guest
# 7 you are making a mistake

I can tell you from my real life experience BH we made the right choice for my son, when our daughter in law was suggested for him we also said we do not want the Head counselor type we want someone quite etc, and then the name kept coming up so we took another deep look into it and decided to let them date and make the decision, I can tell you out of all my children who BH got married to amazing families and all have BH great marriages she is the best of them all, this women is… Read more »

Article is OBVIOUSLY ADDRESSED TO CERTAIN people
Guest
Article is OBVIOUSLY ADDRESSED TO CERTAIN people

This aricle is great – but it is addressed to those for WHOM THE HAT FITS. Somtimes it is easy to say it’s not shayech – because of some important point that’s not wanted. But sometimes parents, or the youngsters themselves – may be too quick and supercificial and have a judging and definitely – SUPERIOR vision of themselves. And possibly quite a lot of shidduchim slip through the fingers that way

k we all need 2 get a life
Guest
k we all need 2 get a life

1st of all, judgmental is 1 word +2nd, maybe they had a legitimate reason +ur the one who is being judgmental by labeling them as judgemental

to #31
Guest
to #31

I would love to marry you. I will work as hard as you…50/50.
You make sure we are equal partners
I will even let you be pregnant and deliver our first child 50/50 all the way

TO# 16
Guest
TO# 16

at 26 you are old enough to be involved in the selection process if you feel that is necessary.

Why don’t you tell your parents that you want to be more active in the selection process and want to know who is being spoken and why they are being ruled out

tell them that this is also an exersize in them being able to zero in on exactly what girl you need.

Alternately, you can have other people involved

Job interview
Guest
Job interview

If you were not chosen for the job after n interview would you also bash the work place?

Mother of a girl looking for a shidduch
Guest
Mother of a girl looking for a shidduch

As a mother of a girl looking for a shidduch for my daughter, I can tell you that it goes both ways. Sometimes, my daughter get turns down, and other times, I am the one to turn down the name of a boy. When I hear the name of a boy whose parents are interested in my daughter, I make the effort to check him out. If I make the effort to check him out right away, it doesn’t usually take days to get the information I need, and I get back to the shadchan pretty quickly. There are names… Read more »

Totally missed the point
Guest
Totally missed the point

All she’s saying is if two people are looking for a shidduch and one party says no based on a piece of paper or last name, there is no basis for that. Maybe it isn’t shayach, but they don’t have adequate evidence to prove that until the person is actually met.

So true!!!
Guest
So true!!!

Couldn’t agree more. The most important factor is the single girl or boy themselves. Let’s hope everyone takes this article to heart.

to #31
Guest
to #31

wow – you MUST have meant to say “work outside the home”, because being a wife and mother is a LOT of hard work – otherwise you obviously have NO IDEA how much hard work it takes to run a home and raise children! EVERY woman doing that already has a job – SHE IS ALREADY WORKING!!! As for insisting your wife work outside the home – the flip side of that is that you are obligated to work inside the home – it works both ways. Are you prepared for that? If your wife works 35 hours a week… Read more »

#70 irreligious mechutanim - inlaws
Guest
#70 irreligious mechutanim - inlaws

Many shluchim absolutely would not allow their children to marry those whom they are mekarev or those with irreligious parents. Why is there a shluchimmatch.com if anash have a chabadmatch already???? It’s because they feel they are elitist and separatists. Your money is good enough for us but that’s it.

To #7
Guest
To #7

I have a GREAT girl from a really nice family for your brother. she is refined, sweet, very pretty, a real catch. No she is not related to me, but she dated my son!! He was so impressed with her but HE needs a ra-ra-Head Counselor type. We were very sorry they weren’t on the same page. I’d love to send you her profile, how can I contact you or your parents?

TO 81
Guest
TO 81

Your comments are blunt & some might say harsh….but you are 1000% right. But it’s not just shluchim, I’ve seen it with “regular” but hi-falutin’ Lubavitch families. It was said to me, that “they” wouldn’t take my family. You can’t imagine how we felt. B”H my child got married as did all of them to children of wonderful, ehrliche families – some “spitz”, some b’nei BT, some super “chushev” and the more chushev they were the more they chased us. Just goes to show that at the end of the day, normal people know a great catch when they see… Read more »

#52
Guest
#52

Thanks for the compliment 🙂 I guess we underestimate the value of a bit of common sense these days… I’m guessing my boys are far too young for you, certainly far to young to marry for a good few years (I may sound older than I am :). But I wish you the best of luck – yes, your mom is right. I believe it is crucially important to look at the tree the apple comes from, too. I’m not suggesting we dig up the roots (though many would), just recognizing that the apple can only taste as good as… Read more »

To #70
Guest
To #70

Shayech, refers to the shidduch, so its correct.

Always read between the lines...
Guest
Always read between the lines...

To the author:

I too received many of these “Not Shayech” responses when I was going out. It basically means:

“We looked into you, and we saw something that tells us that you are not the one for our son.”

In other words, there is a reason for rejecting the idea, but that there is nothing to be gained by discussing it.

Nobody likes to be judged. Yet that is a necessary part of the dating process. Getting turned away doesn’t leave a nice feeling, but at least you know you are one step closer to finding the one (as I did!)

Good luck!

#80
Guest
#80

spot on. i really do feel for this guy’s wife. in a person’s writings you can sense a tone for their beliefs and attitudes. his are quite clear. and though i feel for his wife, i kind of feel for him as well, that his (hopefully) wakeup call is coming on a public website, but mostly, that he can’t have had much of a positive role model in his father’s attitudes towards women/his mother. It’s possible that’s all he saw and actually thinks his views are normal. Well, if he reads all these posts, hopefully his next date will be… Read more »

#77&86
Guest
#77&86

voices of reason thank you for making some clear sense in this murky sea of emotions.

To # 32
Guest
To # 32

My friend , YOU NEED HELP ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put your name ,so we don’t WAIST your time .
I can definitely get you some good help ,or direct you to some . I feel very sorry for you .

#32
Guest
#32

Get over yourself. With that horribly arrogant and close-minded attitude, you may never get married. Girls aren’t looking just for a date, they’re trying to get married too…and you don’t know that she might just end up getting married to someone perfect for her, although maybe it’s for the best that she didn’t end up with you.

FYI
Guest
FYI

A rejection is a blessing in disguise.

to #32
Guest
to #32

and you think the writer is self-centered?

“…Unless i have a distinct pull to date a specific girl, i am not investing in a date.
I will not invest rescheduling two days for a date.
I will not invest my had earned money.
I will not invest my energy.
I will not invest my effort.
I will not invest my emotions.
I don’t owe you an opportunity to prove your worth to me…”

You certainly are NOT SHAYACH to any decent girl!

Shadchan schnorring
Guest
Shadchan schnorring

All of you single people reading this: Send me your info! [email protected].

I have an honesty policy and a policy of working directly through the young men and women. No games.

Be in touch! Let’s make shidduchim!

To 16
Guest
To 16

I am a girl your age and ready to learn more about you…

#70
Guest
#70

To #85- Fair enough, but the author laments “Why am *I* Not Shayech”. To #81- Shluchim won’t “allow” their children to marry their mekuravim or those with irreligious parents? That’s an even bigger shame, especially if it comes across as elitist. That’s basically saying that these Shluchim do not have faith in the very work to which they dedicate their lives. They seriously doubt the effect of their own influence? It’s one thing if two people lack compatibility or do not share values, but it’s a little unfair to effectively tell one’s mekuravim that there are certain parts of our… Read more »

See Alte Rebbe's opinion on Shidduchim
Guest
See Alte Rebbe's opinion on Shidduchim

I urge every father, mother and Shadchan to
learn the letter written by the Alte Rebbe in the sefer
Meiah Sheorim. It teaches
us that when one decides whether a boy or girl
is suitable, that the logic is sheker and will spoil the
situation.

add "but"...
Guest
add "but"...

as in the first sentence and you have the six words.

To #55
Guest
To #55

Your response is so indicative of the entitlement mentality so many Orthodox mothers have. You are literally deterring your daughter from getting married if one of your criteria is a husband who doesn’t want his wife to work. Unless you are marrying off your daughter to a rich boy, you are being unrealistic. I have four sisters and they ALL have jobs. My sister a crown heights resident is back at work a month after giving birth (she brings her baby with her). Your daughter is a princess, but she may have to work. Even if she does marry a… Read more »

one solution
Guest
one solution

MOTHERS STEP BACK AND LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER. AND ONLY WHEN SHE ASKS FOR YOUR ADVICE – GIVE IT.

STEP BACK AND LET YOUR DAUGHTER DECIDE FOR HERSELF…

#31
Guest
#31

What are you talking about!!?? Women work all the time now, they get college education, married or single, they work hard and take care of their families and husbands…men may work too, but women very often work almost twice as hard.

to #55
Guest
to #55

I do not think wives and mothers working has to be at all materialistic…many families need the income, and working does not always mean not being there for their families. Be realistic! Mothers do want the best for their kids, and sometimes that means having a job, whether the husband wants it or not! Sometimes this is essential, and very empowering when you see a woman capable of working to make a nice living while still dedicatedly mothering her children and being a devoted wife.

#33
Guest
#33

OMG I think you are very wrong here. Your son should not at all be embarrassed by his in-laws or his wife’s background. If he is, I hope you open up your mind so he will find someone truly shayech for him. Often people who are from irreligious backgrounds are the most chassidish and brilliant people you will meet. You should give these girls/boys a chance, this is exactly what this article is speaking out against, refusing to date a prospective spouse for precisely the wrong reasons.

tsukekuminer
Guest
tsukekuminer

It is well known what the Rebbe said to someone who wanted to become lubavitch officially. he was afraid of being a tsukekuminer. (lit. an addition or newcomer in other words not gezhe). the Rebbe told him. that all the alter rebbe’s chassidim were tsukekuminer but never the less their greatness is well known. recently printed in the kfar chabad

Not shayich?
Guest
Not shayich?

The way I have always translated shayich , as relevant.
I maintain that it’s not the nicest way to do it. How about it’s not a match? Or it doesn’t match up?

People have to get their priorities straight
Guest
People have to get their priorities straight

Parents are making silly cheshbonos about who’s shayich or not. Parents only need to ensure that the kids are on the same page hashkofically & that the person is a mentch. Leave “personality” for the boy & girl to work out. People click on many different levels. Remember that the most important thing to look for in a boy or girl is menchlichkeit. Not money, not yichud, not looks, not how much he learns in his spare time!
Older singles should take matters into their own hands & speak to shadchanim & make their own decisions about who’s “shayich”

In defense of parents...
Guest
In defense of parents...

…ok, some parents really do believe their kids are perfect. However, many, even most good parents are highly aware of which of their children are shy, intellectual, capable, pleasant, prickly, difficult, sensitive, lazy, motivated… and are trying desperately to find that one right one for EACH one. A shidduch is not like a job interview in which the best candidate gets in. A shidduch is more like… mixology. Who blends best with whom? Give discerning parents a break!

...#32 Acharon Chaviv
Guest
...#32 Acharon Chaviv

Girls where is your Emunah and Bitochon?!
Hashgacha Pratis!!!

Don’t turn to COL for a “sar hamashkin” to try and change the outcome, vdal!
(I want you to) Daven to ‘Hashem’ and/or sing Tehillim and move forward…

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

It feels so good to read your article and to see that you are not the only one who got this rude words , and you are not the only one still fighting for get the perfect match without being through all this horrible stupid judgement , so thank you for sharing and thank you to express our feelings 🙂

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