By Rabbi Gershon Schusterman
Who was not traumatized to open COLlive and learn about the recent sudden and untimely passing of some of Chabad’s best and brightest in the United States, Canada, Israel, Argentina and as of this past Friday morning, also Australia.
The words sad, heartbreaking, tragic and devastating do not begin to do justice to how stunned and grief-struck we are. What we feel cannot be expressed in mere words. We are overwhelmed.
I was 38 years-old when my wife and Shlucha, Rochel Leah Schusterman O”H, passed away suddenly on a sunny Sunday morning, 28 years ago. She was 36-years-old and we had 11 children. What we experienced then is not forgotten — ever. And this gives me a little license to speak.
I want to share with you what I wrote to my children a while ago in a similar situation. You may find something meaningful in it.
To My Dear Children,
It’s a difficult time for all of us now. Our beloved friend’s (name withheld) sudden passing. Even as I type these words they sound hollow and absurd. I want to think that I will wake up from this bad dream… but I know it’s sadly real… and as indigestible as it is incomprehensible. I’m thousands of miles away, feeling frustrated that I’m unable to be there with his family and with you.
As we grieve for him and his family, we are grieving for ourselves too. An illustrative story: A Rebbe (the Rasha”b, during one of his early years?) was not in Lubavitch for Rosh Hashana. He was in a place where he was unknown. He was hosted by a local Erlicher Yid. Rosh Hashana after Maariv, the host, who had a family and other guests, waited a while, and when he saw that the Rebbe was still davvening (as was the custom of our Rebbeim to daven B’arichus and with B’chiyos the first night of Rosh Hashana), left him in Shul, assuming that he would finish soon and figure out how to find his way to his home.
A few hours later, when the meal was over and his guest had not yet come, he went to the Shul to see what happened to him. When he entered the Shul, he saw the Rebbe was still davvening and the Shabbos Goy, who had come to the Shul to put out the candles, was sitting on the back bench and sobbing.
The Balaboss asked the Goy, “Why are you crying so bitterly?” He responded, “I came to put out the candles and I saw the man praying so sincerely and beautifully, so I sat down to listen. Then he burst out crying, oh, so bitterly; I was saddened for him… and my thoughts went to my problems; my wife is sick… by horse broke its leg… my cow’s milk is drying up…. so I’m crying about my troubles, too.”
I’m sure in our tears for our friend there were more than a few shed for those tears not shed years ago; this hits much too close to home.
What does one say at a time like this?
Nothing might be the right answer.
When comforting others, we often engage in the Blunders of the Benevolent (phrase thanks to Rabbi Maurice Lamm in his “Consolation”). We may mean well, but that does not necessarily grant us the wisdom or eloquence to say something wise and real and comforting, especially when we, too, are overwhelmed.
And in this situation, let us be honest; we are grieving for ourselves, too; we are addressing our own uncompleted grief; some of the things we said, or want to say, we are saying to ourselves.
I’ve heard inanities, banalities and blasphemies… spiced with a few profanities.
Don’t worry: the Chazal have already said a person is not culpable for things [blasphemies] one expresses at a time of grief.
We have feelings and we have questions; we experience loss of control, we feel profound sadness and deep grief; we ask ourselves how are they [or we] going to cope? And the biggest question of all, WHY?
Some express bitterness; what is bitterness if not a repressed form of anger? Directed towards whom? Towards Hashem.
I remember like yesterday sitting in Memorial hospital on Nissan 4, 1986, right after Mommy’s P’tira and thinking: “I’m being called upon to put everything that I’ve learned and believed all my life into action; this is the test. Will I be up to it?”
What I mean when I said that perhaps the right thing to say is nothing, is that we don’t always have the answers, nor can we always have the answers, and when you have a test (and this is a test, too) one does not fill the blank with just anything; if one does not know the answer, it is perfectly acceptable, in fact, preferable, to leave the space blank.
In life’s tests, blank is not synonymous with stupidity or passivity; it is an active, profound submission to the Hashem’s will. When Hashem does something that overwhelms us and we really do not have what to say, our best strategy is not to rail against Hashem but to dive into the wave and submit to Hashem’s will.
The Shulchan Aruch says, “Say, ‘blessed is the true judge.'”
Greater people than us have shown the way. Iyov said, “Hashem has given, Hashem has taken away; may Hashem’s name be blessed.” Aharon did so, “Vayidom Aharon.” The Rebbe did so in 1956, when the Fadeyen killed 4 bochurim and their teacher in Kfar Chabad and the Rebbe was in seclusion for a few days; he later said that it was “as Vayidom Aharon.” We can do so, too. This type of silence, the silence of introspection and acceptance, is most eloquent.
We do not expect to understand all the ways of Hashem. Yet, it is our duty to find a positive approach to Him and His ways, even when the events are tragic.
And as the Rebbe counselled regarding the 1956 tragedy in Kfar Chabad, “B’Hemshech HaBinyan Tinocheimu,” in your continuing pioneering building of Kfar Chabad you will find comfort, we —all of us— too, in carrying on the ideals of whoever we lost, we’ll find comfort.
Hashem runs the world all the time; a Hashgacha Protis moment is merely when the window to this truth is opened briefly, and we get to see it clearly, too.
V’hachay Yitein el Libo; Al Kol N’shima U’n’shima Chayav Adam L’hodos L’Hashem.
My writing and sharing this letter is an attempt to be with you, to the best of my ability under the circumstances, in what we are all going through. Some of this has been waiting many years to be said.
Sincerely,
Tati
DEATHS IN ADAR I & ADAR II 5774:
+ Rivkie Barber, 49, OBM
+ Yossi Fail, 16, OBM
+ Dina Dahan, 62, OBM
+ Rabbi Motti Gal, 62, OBM
+ Rashi Minkowicz, 37, OBM
+ Rabbi Yisroel Butman, 55, OBM
+ Reb Mottel Der Shoichet, 97, OBM
+ Rabbi Daniel Moscowitz, 59, OBM
+ Tzvi Ostrozynski, 60, OBM
+ Rabbi Leib Scheiner, OBM
+ Gedalya Greenzayd, 25, OBM
+ Mrs. Rivka Niyazov, 83, OBM
+ Norman Katz, 74 OBM
+ Refael Kaushansky, 17, OBM
+ Mrs. Goldy Krinsky, 87, OBM
+ Bryna Eisig, 79, OBM
Shmueli Newman, beautiful letter, I too remember that Sunday, who can forget? thank you for sharing..C. Schoenberg
Rabbi Schusterman, I want to thank you for sharing with all of us the letter you wrote to your family. While I know it wasn’t an easy decision and has probably brought back many painful memories to both you and your family it was greatly needed and very much appreciated for more then just dealing with the latest tragedy. When I first heard the tragic news about Rashi Minkowitz I immediately got flashbacks of that horrible Sunday so many years ago when Rochel Leah passed away. At the time I was too young and lacked the tools to grasp or… Read more »
You dont know me i dont know you, but i read what you wrote, many years ago i had a friend who had lost a child very late in pregnancy and told me that she would rather someone said something stupid or not sensible then to ignore her which is what they did and made her feel worse then she did as in she felt like she had done something bad. There are always two sides to every coin and what you wrote may be for some people but i heard it from someone who told me how it was… Read more »
I am Rivkie (Heber) Barber’s younger sister. She had been a counselor at your summer camp all those years ago. She absolutely adored Rochel Leah and spoke of her often. I was young but still recall Rivkie’s tears and terrible pain upon hearing of Rochel Leah’s passing. Perhaps now they are together in shomayim. Who knows. It is true that people who really do care say some nonsensical things. No one but Hashem can say why these tragedies occur – and so no one should be claiming to understand His reasons. The greatest comfort to those of us in mourning… Read more »
Dear Rabbi Schusterman, you were my first teacher of authentic Yiddishkeit, and I remember Rochel Leah a”h so well. Words are sometimes inadequate but you have always known how to use them to serve Hashem, and you have always been a beacon of light in the frum world. I remember how you comforted me during some of the most difficult times I ever went through, even before this tragedy happened to you. May Rochel Leah’s memory always be for a blessing, and may she be an advocate in Shamayim for all Yidden. May Hashem let you enjoy many years of… Read more »
I have spent the last two weeks thinking about morah shusterman every day, the woman who gave me my voice. I shall never ever, ever forget that fateful day. It is still with all of us. I carry her with me every day. Indeed, your words are 25 years old, yet timeless.
amazing
I remember, very well, the passing of Morah Schusterman O”H. Having been a student of hers, and a friend of the family, which happened later on, I too am reminded of her patirah every time a young woman, mother and wife passes. As a child, the thoughts are with the deceased, feeling bad that they left this world. As an adult, all you can think about are the loved ones that are left behind, to pick up the pieces and continue living, which isn’t always easy. Having lost my father at the young age of 54, I was comforted by… Read more »
Thank you
What a generous spirit to share such family privacy with the rest of us. Your brutal honestly and clarity are refreshing Just as in music, the quiet moment is a necessary prelude to a moving piece, just as between painting and picture-frame there is needed a space (called a mat) which is neither artwork nor frame, Just as when laying a Persian rug you must leave adequate border between carpet and wall, just as between parshios there are spaces which are Divinely ordained and intrinsic element of the Torah’s sanctity, so too in the face of challenge we need a… Read more »
I have a close relative whose kids are orphans.Open your hearts-the pain DOES NOT disappear! Invite them for Shabbos,invite over the kids,offer to help even a year later!(or more!!!)Some people don’t think to be a little extra kind and caring.It’s sad that people who should,don’t always go the extra mile or even a step!Its vital and goes a long way..Make it your business today!!
an admirer
I recently suffered a tragedy in my own family, and the recent tragedies hit very close to home, and I am hurting deeply inside. Your letter IS helpful, and I appreciate your sharing. And, I know, that although the pain and trauma dull with time, they never go away completely, so my wishes to you is that you and your wonderful family know only simcha and nachas from now on!! And may we all be zoche very soon to a time when “umacha Hashem Dima-ah m’al pni Haadamah” Please excuse me if I am not quoting correcty. I am going… Read more »
A rare man of intellect and truth when most haven’t the former and do not seek the latter
Avremale Melamed
Thank you for this and for sharing your family’s pain. Right now I feel more than ever chassidim ein mishpocha. These pains are very close to home.
Thank you for your warm and inspiring words. You have a candor and clarity that is rare among rabbis. You don’t shy away from exposing your feelings and human frailties while guiding us in the path to transcending them. May you enjoy many many more years of nachas from your children, grandchildren and community (and keep writing!).
And her husband is a tzadik!!! Thank you for this letter!
I remember when Rochel Leah a”h Schusterman passed away when I was a small child growing up in LB. The sad and shocking news of the passing of Rashi a”h Minkowitz broght back the suppressed pain I felt then and was too young to express.
Thank you for this.
Thank you uncle gershon for being a beacon of strength and clarity in these times. May the extended family of chabad be comforted and find strength and may Hashem comfort us with the coming of moshiach b’karov now!
Many thanks for sharing the deepest of feelings and exposing such fragile truths. your eloquent and thought provoking lessons will be read and reread time and again as my heart will be soothed by your words and my Emunah will be strengthened by your wisdom .
Thank you for sharing this
It must have taken courage
Im sure we cal all benefit from this
May we only share in good news
MOSHIACH NOW!!!
That’s all. Your beautiful letter has helped me.
thank you for your comments, Rabbi Schusterman.. I remember writing to you ( was in the hospital at the time)after Nechamie a”h passed away as I could imagine how once again how pained you must have been as though my words could help (what did I know?).
Soon there after, you sent me pictures of Rochel Leah and Alta in a little gold frame…no words, no nothing could assuage the pain..except this meaningful gesture and tangible object which I still treasure today…chana schoenberg..
Dvorim hayotzim min halev, nichnosim el halev.
Sincerest thanks for posting this eloquent and heartfelt letter, when so many are struggling and grieving.