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Thursday, 15 Tammuz, 5779
  |  July 18, 2019

    What’s the Focus?

    Shidduchim SOS: Op-Ed: I am not a professional psychologist nor do I claim to be one, however, being a Yungerman, and living here in the shchuna, I have picked up that there is a terrible illness which is plaguing our single bochurim and girls. Full Story

    R’ Moshe Rabkin, 78, OBM

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    real pitty
    Guest
    real pitty

    i find it really sad that people will say no to an amazing girl just because her family doesnt have money. and i actually find that the families who do have money are not all that stuck up and theyll take any family, money or not. its the families that themselves dont have money that are only looking for money so go explain. if a girl has everything, the looks the brains the personailyt etcetc but her father doesnt have money, why does she have to suffer she is still an amazing girl but just bc of money someone wont… Read more »

    laptops
    Guest
    laptops

    girls and bochurim have laptops, and its very normal today to go to sleep watching TV shows and movies etc etc etc
    i am not a chassidish freak however the image of the actors/ses the exposure to the non kedusha scenes and waist size of the people on the shows is whats doing all the damage…….
    Get rid of the laptops and use your phone to email instead

    Mother of SHidduch aged children
    Guest
    Mother of SHidduch aged children

    Right on! i Couldn’t have said it better myself. Maybe if people would listen to this our children would have happier marriages. Maybe this author could also pen an article about the unnecessary expenses etc that have come in to marrying off our children, which DO NOT Even bring them true happiness.

    Thanks for the sanity
    Guest
    Thanks for the sanity

    And one more thing, before anyone else writes a comment, just take note: we are in the 9 days. Lets get more zechusim with out Ahavis chinam approach.

    copy/paste repeat
    Guest
    copy/paste repeat

    he’s right and all the points he makes are valid and u know what? it’s totally besides the point….. if the guy is superficial what do you wanna do? punch him?! he needs his superficial model wife w/e and he’ll have to deal with it later in life, even if he wanted a great girl she wouldn’t want him anywayz…. what he doesn’t say is this: bochurim are more picky that they used too and they want BOTH looks and character and wouldn’t compromise….. good girls are easy to find fortunately…(or unfortunately depending on perspective) but an all around perfection… Read more »

    HaIkar chaser min ha'sefer
    Guest
    HaIkar chaser min ha'sefer

    I think the last couple articles I’ve seen on this issue misses the point entirely and doesn’t see the forest for the trees. If all it would be is good looks and model-like measurements it would be good. Because not always is beauty only skin deep, it can actually be deeper and wider, even though it is masked with physical good looks. The problem is that many of today’s young men don’t just want good looks, they want good looks accompanied with a girl who knows it, is aware of it and will FLAUNT it! Therein lays the plague we… Read more »

    know your children
    Guest
    know your children

    as a mother of b”h married and unmarried children i speak to other parents and sometimes amazed that they are looking for a shiduch for themselves .
    please remember you are not the one that is getting married . know your child ,what they want need etc.
    do your checking and leave the rest to the aiebershter
    and the young people to make their own decision.

    Well said!
    Guest
    Well said!

    I think people like you (the author)who have the correct focus need to speak to all those unrealistic people around – both parents and singles and engrave this idea into them! People read many articles like this one- and agree – but the minute it comes to tachlis they’ve forgotten it all!!!

    Time for real  Chinuch
    Guest
    Time for real Chinuch

    This current crisis took root a number of years ago when T.V. and internet became a household item.
    The problems are evident when we deal with Shiduchim because of the results we see today ,but the Chinuch does not begin at age 22 it starts before the baby is born. It begins wiyth the Parents doing the right things. Moshiach Now

    see this article
    Guest
    see this article
    yea yea
    Guest
    yea yea

    can someone please say something new? this is the same thing over and over

    danny
    Guest
    danny

    If u have girls walking around parading themselves every guy wants that of their wife too! If ch wud be more tznius then we wud focus more on the inside and not on the looks.

    why cant she have both??
    Guest
    why cant she have both??

    to OP: are all size 2 girls: “obnoxious personality or is a self-centered, self serving, egotistical person” I am quite taken aback by ur comment. i am no size 2 but have very good friends who r and they have great personalities, and are selfless and humble. So plz, b4 u and stereotype, think better. * * * * I personally think that ONE of the REAL problem lays between communication between parents and children, if they both knew what they want and r on same page, things might go alot smoother. And secondly, there will always be an excuse… Read more »

    role model
    Guest
    role model

    i think that we, as parents, must be a role model for our children, as how a chasidishe marriage should be. our kids will know to look for someone who will respect them, have fun with them, learn with them, and love them unconditionally (read: even if they eventually gain weight) if that is what they see on their parents. teach them by beeing a good example, chances are, your kids will have a great marriage too.

    Some clarity
    Guest
    Some clarity

    Dear author,
    You may want to take this message of yours to the Yeshivos where the boys are being educated. A mashpia during dating will get them no-where if they didint have one when they were 15 and older.
    If they watched movies (and said yechi) for years before marriage dont expect them to have the correct perspective when the time comes.
    Their minds and hearts were shaped in the years leading up to marriage not when they turn 22.

    write a lot and say a little
    Guest
    write a lot and say a little

    too bad such important messages are trivialized by having bad writers post op-eds.
    it all sounds like the same bla-bla-bla; kinda like white noise already.
    if you want us to listen, then give us some substance.

    Lubi girl
    Guest
    Lubi girl

    Should it ever come to the point, that a guy doesn’t even want to to go out with me because he’s heard something about my looks which he doesn’t like……well then believe me I know I’m 10x’s better of without him. Who wants to spend their life trying to convince their spouse that they’re worth it? Apart from unfortunate major disfigurments, (so that I wouldn’t embarrass the boy, if I looked shocked), I don’t want to know what a guy looks like before I go out. I don’t want to know what size he is, I don’t want to know… Read more »

    Reb Yerid Hador
    Guest
    Reb Yerid Hador

    Oy Vey. It takes so much introduction in his posting – to say what? That there are many of the new generation who are empty shells, with only a few slogans and minhagim that make them Lubavitch?
    How old were these “kids” on Gimmel Tammuz? Maybe the videos are not doing the job.

    Worse. Maybe they are.

    but really, so what?
    Guest
    but really, so what?

    If someone is into looks, why is this so awful?Why do people want to dissuade these ‘wants”?Ok so some think there are many more important things and yes-that is my opinion but if my sons want something else, what can one do?How can one force your desires on someone else if they do not value it?If someone is hung up on a size 2, what can one do?You want to talk him/her out of it and if so,my question is why?I am asking an honest questions because I want to make sense of all this.

    You miss the point
    Guest
    You miss the point

    One must ask themselves, why are the bochurim focused on the tofel and not the ikar? We can blame laptops. We can blame the back of buses bochurim ride on to their mivtzoim routes. We must go back to what type of foundation and chinuch they are getting from the yeshivas. Yes, chinuch begins at home. But many bochurim go to mesivta and yeshiva from the age of 14 and are out of the home. What are the mechanchim doing to work with bochurim to give them chassidishe values? What are the hanholas doing to work with bochurim who they… Read more »

    Could have written this myself
    Guest
    Could have written this myself

    I was thinking of writing exactly the same thing. I am involved in helping my kids’ friends find a shidduch and am SHOCKED and DISGUSTED at the number of responses, when looking into someone of “its not the look I’m going for”, and they don’t even go any further. One mother said, “I don’t agree with it, but this is what my son says, so I have no choice.” Is it true? Does she really have no choice? Can she work with educating her son to be a bit more open minded? Has anyone explained to him that he WILL… Read more »

    Opinion
    Guest
    Opinion

    I don’t really have an opinion and therefore I shouldn’t be writing. But after reading all of the rants above, I feel so left out and I now am determined to write something.

    And so…

    I disagree with comment 4 and 11. I may agree with 29. I strongly sympathize with 13. And I of course agree with myself.

    What else…

    I think that a lot of people are writing comments without putting much thought into them.

    Levi

    Yes, I want a good-looking boy and yes, I am picky. Sue me!
    Guest
    Yes, I want a good-looking boy and yes, I am picky. Sue me!

    I’ve noticed a trend of criticizing boys for wanting girls of this size and that shape. I am curious are girls not looking for cute boys too? I am a girl and I can very honestly say that although looks are not the most important criteria, I do want a good-looking guy who is put together and takes care of himself. After all, i’ll wake up next to this person for the rest of my life. And so what if we, the singles, are picky? You are looking for someone to share your live with, I sure hope you are… Read more »

    Y-y-y-e-e-e-s-s-s!!!!!
    Guest
    Y-y-y-e-e-e-s-s-s!!!!!

    Kol Hakovod!
    Finally someone who says it as it is!

    Life is a little more than one long date.

    Please repeat this message at least 4 times a day for the next 40 days, maybe it will enter!

    Yasher Koach!

    There is an elephant in the room - but
    Guest
    There is an elephant in the room - but

    it is doubtful that this will be posted. So everyone will keep on ignoring the elephant. The elephant? The new generation is not buying the Chabad goals of today. (Except for those who go on shlichus – and even there some see it as a career opportunity for the otherwise untrained. No, they won’t admit it.) Oh, they mouth the words, these young adults of ours. As someone posted here – they say the slogans. But they have not bought this shallow ideology Chabad has become. SO: they don’t (or can’t) really communicate with their parents; their mashpiyim are paid… Read more »

    To 21
    Guest
    To 21

    I’m very touched, impressed and respect your post.

    grubkeit
    Guest
    grubkeit

    We’re all becoming much more grub. Our parents are more grub than their parents. We are more grub than ours, and our children are more grub than we are (usually). There really is nothing to be done, (aside from davening to hashem) if the child is already grown and has warped ideas. Just as there is nothing to be done to a grown girl who is not tznius to “get” her to see what’s right. what i don’t understand is, that if the boys think that looks are so important (of equal importance to character), and there are so many… Read more »

    stupidity
    Guest
    stupidity

    i think all of these articles focus on the extremes. i am in yeshiva and the average normal bochur doesnt care about an exact waist size. all these articles are doing is causing that girls should give up very fast and they end up thinking that this is how all guys are.

    The problem begins from day one....I agree 100%
    Guest
    The problem begins from day one....I agree 100%

    The homes is the first place the child will learn what to look for in a spouse. As parents we are responsible to be respectful as a couple. Our children are watching us. If we are a good example, chances are your children will not need to look further and want to emulate what they see at home…..along with of course proper support and guidence from their parents. TV Magazines, the lack of proper hair covering or tznius clothing…..these have crept into our homes with no doubt weakened the yidishe values in the home…………so what do you expect…. Also, the… Read more »

    to the girls who are a size 2
    Guest
    to the girls who are a size 2

    BS”D
    i hope you aren’t starving yourself to get there.
    you’re health may be affected.
    my daughter had always been slim
    her body fat ratio is always a little too low
    i/she has to make sure she gets enough good fat to prevent side effects
    if you are cutting out fats
    make sure to have flax oil – 1 Tablespoon,
    1 T of butter (not mayo)
    another good quality fat is coconut butter/oil – excellent
    another point
    now I understand why my son said he doesn’t want to marry a too good looking girl. Probably bc he knows it :(( doesn’t compute.
    some serious thinking needs to happen here.

    thank you number 28
    Guest
    thank you number 28

    I have married sons that never asked me what the girl looks like before they went out on a date. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know myself what hte girl looked like and never requested a photograph (I am not judging people that request one, I never did).
    I researched the girls by speaking to former teachers and people they worked for.
    My primary concern was always midos toivos and chassidishe attitude.

    don't look for what is not you and there is no problem
    Guest
    don't look for what is not you and there is no problem

    the reality is that no two people are the same, so there is no klal! some guys are superficial and are looking for barbie, and thank g-d for them,some girls are also superficial and are looking for a guy who only cares about her looks. so there you have a GREAT shidduch! no need to try to change the nature of people. let the pnimi boys marry pnimi girls, and hollow marry hollow, and all is good. because if we try to convince the air head to look for a pnimiyusdike girl full of toichen, they will also be miserable,… Read more »

    Hello
    Guest
    Hello

    who ever looks at the girl for beauty is nuts, every one knows that you look at the mother(and how she LOOKS) and then you know what you are getting into…Brains shmains, its all overrated, there is a reason they dont teach gemorah in beis rifkah!!!!!!

    a bocher
    Guest
    a bocher

    number 28 is the first true comment yet.
    as a bocher with plenty of friends; i got a news flash: we are not all that shallow

    to # 10
    Guest
    to # 10

    now we, anash, have to get our inspiration from articles written for freie people on ‘chicken soup for your chabad.org’?

    tired of the same speaches
    Guest
    tired of the same speaches

    sorry but there’s absolutely nothing new in this article that i have already read. yawn

    visit this site
    Guest
    visit this site
    To comment 21
    Guest
    To comment 21

    I must say that I am very moved by what you wrote.
    You totally have the right idea and I agree with all the points you made.
    If more people out there would act/think like you, a lot of people’s lives would be a lot easier.

    To #15
    Guest
    To #15

    1. What does “Yechi” have to do with anything. This issue crosses all lines and touches all “philosophies”. 2. Even if they had no direction before the time of Shidduchim, that doesn’t mean that when they’re (boys and girls) ready they don’t need hadrochoh and can’t get it. On Assoroh BeTeves 5747, The Rebbe as much as said that someone who doesn’t have a mashpia has nothing to do with him. So if I didn’t have a Mashpia until now, I can’t do Teshuva on this? Obviously not. Nimnu VeGomru: It won’t help. Zeyer klein keppledik. And while you’re at… Read more »

    Guys will be Guys?
    Guest
    Guys will be Guys?

    to #23. I am a girl too who wants a good looking, put together, cute guy, however I will not say no to a date just because he isnt any of the above. Point is, most girls (even thosewho care about the looks of a guy) truly understand the meaning of ‘first love then lust, NOT first lust then love’ and will therefore give a guy a chance even if he doesnt fulfill all her ideas To #28. Unfortunately these are not extremes. I am 25 not a size 2 and I’m constantly rejected for it. To both of you,… Read more »

    #33
    Guest
    #33

    I hate to break the news to you but they do teach Gemorah in Bais Rivkah as per the Rebbe.
    And just for your information, being a guy, doesn’t make you any smarter and your comment is a good proof of that.

    WARNING
    Guest
    WARNING

    Good to take note: Very often (not in every case obviously!) that a girl is so skinny…. there is very often an eating disorder (I know several girls with eating problems!)
    So young men – please beware that you might be taking on megga psychological issues with your Holywood girl!

    And plenty dolled up girls are VERY uncomfortable with their bodies and are compensating…. (I know many girls like that too!)…. so you aint gonna get a gril who will bring you much joy or pleasure!!!

    take note!

    BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :)
    Guest
    BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :)

    This is truly comical! Everyone should just get over themselves! It’s an immaturity and lack of faith to blame your woes on anyone or anything other than YOURSELF! I am far from preaching advisments distantly, infact I am vigorously living this “dating” life. Sure it’s easy to blame the folks (been there/doing that), the peeps, the system, but deep down the truth is evident; G-D has his master plan and we have to except that and WORK with it. If you really have substantial reasoning to blame anyone, than get up and DO something about it…oh and your STILL not… Read more »

    To 21
    Guest
    To 21

    I’m very touched, impressed and respect your post.

    Honest Girl
    Guest
    Honest Girl

    Guys are into looks and brains. If you are as lucky as I am to have both then people will run after you. If not then choose your counterpart. There is always a fat guy for a fat girl and always a stupid girl for a stupid guy. Don’t try to mix blood with someone over your status!

    just a point
    Guest
    just a point

    Although this article bring good points, I noticed the author kept on bringing up the fact that ladies get fat and ugly after a few kids or a few years. 1.Gee that makes us women want to have 10 kids 2.A man is supposed to wake up ten years down the line, look at his wife and think how wrong he was for thinking his wife was just pretty???..she is gorgeous! 3.Women in their fiftys (especially in chabad) look amazing Again it is imperative that the husband think his wife is beautiful (even just our of respect for her) and… Read more »

    to number 28
    Guest
    to number 28

    what is your name?? you are so correct, all of our daughters should merit to find someone like you…

    to #21
    Guest
    to #21

    Thank you so much for such a wonderful, thought out comment. We need more people like you posting. Inspiring!

    Still skinny after 4 kids!!!
    Guest
    Still skinny after 4 kids!!!

    This is not the response to a bochur who is looking for a “model” girl!!! Who says a girl can’t stay skinny after having kids?!? Perhaps this is the reason that so many young girls in Chabad are turned OFF from having big families!!!This is such a negative approach and should be thought over. Your answer should be that a bochur needs to look for depth in a girl. Period.

    get a life!!!
    Guest
    get a life!!!

    Guys, well actually everyone, get over this size two thing. Size 2 is small, but it doesn’t mean the same thing. I wear a 2, but I am not super skinny, I am not 100% shallow and focused on my looks. I am petite, so for me it is not big deal. Sure, I treat my body well and try to stay healthy… does that make me shallow? Mothers, do you not want me to go out with your son because if I wear a size 2 I am automatically self-absorbed? Or the other mothers, am I maybe too short,… Read more »

    Mother
    Guest
    Mother

    I too have a son in the Shidduch scene & again, he told me “I am not looking for a model. But she must be Tznius.” This was yesterday. I don’t care what tablecloth is on the Shabbos table. He doesn’t care how much money Daddy has in the bank (neither do we!) We none of us care what Yichus they have. B’H we have had many calls without even registering with a Shadchan (or 2). What does our son want? A frum, Chassidishe girl from a balabatishe warm family. A girl who will be a fine wife & mother,… Read more »

    How should he know???
    Guest
    How should he know???

    When the guy goes out with the size 2..usually he decides to go ahead because he likes her (looks, personality and everything) the only problem is that her dating personality might not be her real personality….but how will know? references, mashpiim, (average) Shadchanim…these are not good ways to find out about a person..

    #23 to #40 & #46
    Guest
    #23 to #40 & #46

    I am not saying we shouldn’t give the guy a chance and I believe looks are so subjective but i do want to give some perspective of the other side – guys are not the only ones at fault.
    #46 – I just wanna add – most men don’t look that cute ten years down the line either so let’s call it even. I hope ten years later we are wiser and see the beauty of our spouse inside and out.

    Bochur
    Guest
    Bochur

    Hello everybody. I’m from South America, so I’m sorry for my English. Right now I’m getting into the “shiduch business”. Why do we all look for good looking girls, what’s the problem with other girls. Why do we care so much about it while older and more experienced people keep telling us it is not important. The media makes our heads to believe that we will only be happy with good looking girls. OK, so we wont let you watch TV, movies or internet. Forget it, not gonna happen. We are attacked by media no matter what we do. And… Read more »

    to all of those looking for size #2
    Guest
    to all of those looking for size #2

    I would never EVER, consider that because she has no room for kishkes.

    A good wife and mother needs strong kishkes to stomach all the curve balls life throws at you.

    Whats this with a #2 all about, little do they know that sheker hachain vehevel hayoifi, after one two years its all about character.

    The fools who make that their priority deserve exactly the wives who starve themselves. For me that size #2, is an ois gedarteh pickle . (-:

    resident
    Guest
    resident

    People get affected by what they see. a boy acan be a great boy but just walking down the streets and seeing red toes and open shirt, some times down to really low, can affect a person no matter how good they are. what you see can affect you and the way you think. yes, there is nothing wrong with a good looking girl, but in what way, that she looks like she’s doing the catwalk???????????????????????????

    Lubi girl 2
    Guest
    Lubi girl 2

    I’m no size 2, or gorgeous, but i’m kind of starting to feel bad for the girls who are small or really pretty. Everyone seems to be so hyped up on looks, it seems to be taken for granted that you can’t be a genuinely good person and be good-looking. Let’s not forget, just as we don’t want people (boys) to judge girls on their good looks, or v.v. those same good looks shouldn’t be a judgment of the personality underneath. I personally find that a persons physical looks really don’t matter much past the first 5 seconds, because after… Read more »

    older girl
    Guest
    older girl

    to #43 Your sarcasm is hurtful. Yes, maybe there are some girls who should blame themselves. There are others, like myself, who do not get a chance to go on those dates that you describe because of issues that are beyond our control and have nothing to do with who we are as a person. And I am not talking about dress size. “It is an immaturity and lack of faith” to blame other people for their woes when you have no idea of the circumstances. You say “I know because I am there,” but you obviously are not. Finally,… Read more »

    keep in mind...
    Guest
    keep in mind...

    for all of you out there who are so against looking pretty, keep in mind a few things. first of all, in the Torah, women are praised for their beauty. Women are supposed to look pretty!! Obviously they need to stay tznius, but one does not contradict another!! Another thing to think about… why do you keep putting down pretty girls? You wouldn’t want an ugly daughter in law, would you? What would the neighbors say??

    I WANT A SIZE ONE
    Guest
    I WANT A SIZE ONE

    If size 2 is good size one must be better (or maybe size 3 – im not really sure how the sizes work)

    who agrees?
    Guest
    who agrees?

    “WHAT EVERY GIRL AND BOY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEETING THEIR ZIVUG” AND “WHAT EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW, ABOUT PREPARING THEIR CHILD’S SHIDDUCH” (Written by a well known Shadchan) Come follow me on a journey that will hopefully inspire you, to think and feel a bit more confidently, clearly, and comfortably, when embarking on the ‘shidduch’ scene. Generations ago, the shidduch scene was totally different then it is today. Women looked for a talmid chochom, a good provider, a strong man. Men looked for a warm and nurturing woman, a real aishes chayil that would raise their kids with the warmth… Read more »

    for a girl with brains
    Guest
    for a girl with brains

    TO #45
    “Fools say what they know, Smart people know what they say”

    Experienced.
    Guest
    Experienced.

    The comments made by the writer are spot on. I know from experience where initial interests where looks, money and yichus ( and in that order) and then years down the track, the marriage failed because, the looks changed, the money went and the yichus no longer mattered.
    Fortunately, there are still sensible boys and girsl around who have their priorities in place and with them it is much easier to find a shidduch with compatible interests.
    I hope that the readers here will take to heart and apply the important lessons contained therein.

    I love the logo of this new blog....
    Guest
    I love the logo of this new blog....

    Hopefully this will be productive and will lead to more shidduchim with more ease……….

    #29 You are so right!!!  Cut and paste
    Guest
    #29 You are so right!!! Cut and paste

    The problem begins from day one….I agree 100% The homes is the first place the child will learn what to look for in a spouse. As parents we are responsible to be respectful as a couple. Our children are watching us. If we are a good example, chances are your children will not need to look further and want to emulate what they see at home…..along with of course proper support and guidence from their parents. TV Magazines, the lack of proper hair covering or tznius clothing…..these have crept into our homes with no doubt weakened the yidishe values in… Read more »

    Thats nuts
    Guest
    Thats nuts

    To say all Model girls have issues is just crazy. Hashem made them Beautiful” Kah” the way they are- and the Young Bachur that must have those looks will get just what he needs. Hashem knows what one needs to be able to get married. Everyone must trust Hashem will give them what they need. But DON’T put down Hashem’s creations and making that they all have issues. Most are created perfect the way they are- inside and out to be the perfect wives for those Hashem chose. When a girl becomes a teenager, she develops into whatever shape or… Read more »

    a frustrated girl
    Guest
    a frustrated girl

    just frustrated at the parents of the boys….its all the name…a beautiful, smart, chassidish girl with talents (and a small size) gezhe and all…but no, no, no keep coming! why cuz her father doesnt make a lot of noise….so her name isnt as “known” in the lubavitch world!! even though shes gezhe, she has all the maalos…..she just doesnt have that shpitz chabad name…is that her fault? her fathers a humble guy….does his shluchis in a quiet way…
    parents: when will you open your eyes and see……

    Enough
    Guest
    Enough

    I’m not sure what these articles add. I get it, bochurim are superficial jerks, girls are innocent victims. I can attest that I too have never met a guy who cares about pnimius nor have I ever gone out with a girl who is not stupidly picky or superficial. Why do people have to keep writing the same thing over and over? The titles of these article should just be “Ditto it’s the bochurim’s fault.”

    On being attractive:
    Guest
    On being attractive:

    firstly, i’d like to ask everyone to stop being in an illusion. Our ego makes us want to be proud of our spouse(perhaps men more than women). Not only in looks, they just want to feel like they got something special. I’d like to suggest that all people have something special but if you shine in a certain area(be it looks, brains, creativity, ability to get things done), you get noticed. everyone should focus on being 100 percent at what makes them stand out. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most beautiful thing in the world and very… Read more »

    to the author and everyone else
    Guest
    to the author and everyone else

    i have not read all the comments, i dont have time. however, i would like to say that this article is extremely well written and every single point is so valid. especially one of the last things that were mentioned: ‘the parents’ i beleive in each to its own, but there are limits to that to. if somebody only wants gezhe or ffb or whatever status thing is in, it can get rediculouse too. i heard my bro once ask me if i knwo of any girls or family for his freind, who comes froma very prominent family but the… Read more »

    #70
    Guest
    #70

    I uderstand you are a bsuy person. Maybe you can spend some of your precious time learning how to spell, and when to use full stops and commas?

    #71
    Guest
    #71

    to number 71, I understand that you may have been in a rush to post this comment, but you could have checked your own spelling first!!

    Big girls are stunning TOO!!!!!
    Guest
    Big girls are stunning TOO!!!!!

    Yup Big girls can be stunners too!

    Wherever they go they catch your attention and those

    size 1 toothpicks are left out!

    Boys, give them a try!

    You’ll be happy you didn’t say why?

    These maidels can be real Aidels

    for a Ben Torah so true.

    Hashem made them so big and beautiful for you!

    Yup, “Kah” for the Big

    beauties too.

    Boys stop saying no to

    the Big Beauties and

    find your big maidel so aidel!

    to number 70 and 71
    Guest
    to number 70 and 71

    if one of you is a guy and the other a maidel, it would be a perfect match! ;

    did i spell that correctly?

    Mashpia
    Guest
    Mashpia

    do you have a mashpia? you need a mashpia!! get a mashpia!! You keep on hearing these statements in yeshivah at farbraingens in 1986 the the rebbe would repet this many times , and now ate this time period we need it more then ever ! but the avrage shmo has no idea how to get one is there a list of mashpiem? do we put out a wanted ad ? do we wait for ofers, but thoes never come . The bottom line is people need help finding mashpiem,including myself.

    Thank You
    Guest
    Thank You

    As a 20 year old girl, I’d like to thank COL and all of you who commented. I have learnt a lot from each comment. The positve and negative ones. Thank You!

    ???
    Guest
    ???

    What do u want from the boys they never learnt how to spell ! And yes in chabad it’s about money looks and status! To bad to everyone else go find a nice Flatbush dude .

    #77
    Guest
    #77

    who said it’s about money, looks and status in chabad? not my chabad! people with money looks or status don’t excite me in the slightest! I get inspired and excited by people who are the REAL thing.

    To # 20
    Guest
    To # 20

    Blaming Mesiftas? The Mesiftas have to deal with 14 year old boys 14 years to late. How much home made damage they can repair depends on the sechioreh they get. E.g: Raise anyone with less control over the internet than the level of control over kashrus they eat and you’ve got your problem made. Chinuch starts 9 months before birth. And yes, eventually symptoms will show up during shidduch time.

    Reporting from the Crown Heights Beachfront
    Guest
    Reporting from the Crown Heights Beachfront

    I am of marriageable age and living in CH for a few years. I have grown more demanding on looks during my stay here – one reason being that despite my best efforts, I cannot help seeing that every street and store in CH is lined with flashy married females who go the extra mile to look extra-attractive and wear skin-tight diving suits. Even most of the officially chassidish ones are dress themselves in an eye-catching manner. I want someone who at least looks decent. Tell me I’m wrong; it won’t make a difference.

    To "I want a good looking boy" # 23
    Guest
    To "I want a good looking boy" # 23

    Marriage is about giving unconditionally, not about taking. Now anyone who is married for a while understands this completely. Most singles, unless taught this at home, will not. Seeking general compatibilities which make giving a more reasonable endeavor is a good idea, being picky is to misunderstand why you are involved in the exercise and therefore does not bode well for a future marriage. Since men and women are opposites, and difficulties to be overcome are a lifelong definite, we seek to minimize these, as said, by seeking personality compatibility, to the extent we can. So, ask yourself, are you… Read more »

    size 2 girl
    Guest
    size 2 girl

    #13 & #57- thank you for sympathizing, and #50 – im with u on this one!! you see #28, you’re not the only normal one out there, there are normal girls too, who have plenty of maalos, who Hashem created small. just because i am a small size does not in the slightest mean that im only into my looks! yes, i do like to look put together, but ask any of my friends, they’ll tell u just how much im (not) overboard about my looks! but keep writing these articles, cuz if a boy wants me because of my… Read more »

    beauty is important
    Guest
    beauty is important

    There is an energy when in the presence of an attractive woman, whether or not we consider it chasidish. Ture, with familiarity that excitement cools. However, my experience of beauty is that it is always appreciated, even when it becomes commonplace. It somehow makes life easier just by its presence. That would be a blessing in a marriage.

    RIGHT FOR BEAUTY!!!
    Guest
    RIGHT FOR BEAUTY!!!

    WHY DO PEOPLE MIX UP SLIMNESS WITH BEAUTY?!?!?! Being skinny doesn’t mean the girl is pretty, the girl could be pretty and normal sized or over sized! And everyone has the right to have someone pretty at their eyes and according to their exterior type(having the same “beauty type”)! I ALWAYS HEAR OLD PEOPLE SAY THAT THE IMAGE THEY HAVE OF THEIR SPOUSE IS WHEN THEY MET, i guess it just stays in your mind forever! Well, now a days the “default” for beauty are on high standards (skinny and perfect skin like it got real life photoshop!,etc) thats why… Read more »

    After all this...
    Guest
    After all this...

    Article after article each with so many comments. I wonder if anyone reads through them all.

    #61 cought my eye just for it’s shear size.

    Let’s just blame everyone else. It’s more fun and takes responsebility away from you.

    But at the end of the day boys are all pigs and girls are all anorexic right 🙂

    One more thing. If you are still reading this – you are so boerd.

    solutions
    Guest
    solutions

    Why don’t the tznius police just put up posters all over with a new rule: A ban on anything less than a size 8! If they keep on drilling their point (after all, 8 is the number associated with Moshiach and Geula) they will eventually create a new reality where sizes under 8 will be marginalized and ostracized along with girls who frequent bars and clubs. Such girls can only get the ‘oisvorfs’ of Lubavitch who are shallow and don’t promote having more than a few kids! Makes no sense; no? So presumably it will be adopted as gospel by… Read more »

    Long gone are the days when shaitels looked like mops...
    Guest
    Long gone are the days when shaitels looked like mops...

    I am 21 and recently married.I feel that part of the nisayon of our generation is that we can look drop dead gorgous so easily. Shaitels give you a no bad hair day, no one thinks twice about spending money to shop for stylish clothing. Internet & billboards are all accessible…..ITS A HUGE NISAYAON. I look to my more ‘chassidishe friends’ and some of them are also dressing in an ‘eye catching’ way. What do we do about this ??? How do we stop this trend??

    to #58
    Guest
    to #58

    Hi, I’m # 43.
    My sincerest apologies!I did not intend to hurt anyone. Clearly, you misunderstood my post and the meaning. I am to fatigued to elaborate, just know I completely empathize with you!Please believe me when I say I am extremely “old” and have my own share of challenges…i was just bringing out a point about SOME individuals Obviously,many like yourself,do NOT fall into that category.

    To Mother #51
    Guest
    To Mother #51

    Im curious….would you put your sons profile onto Chabad match?

    learn how to spell
    Guest
    learn how to spell

    #75, you have valuable contributions to our site, but it is a lot more pleasant when you spell like a mensch

    Mod orth
    Guest
    Mod orth

    I know you all don’t approve but I like the dating system of getting to know the person,watching them in various settings,and not feeling rushed!That is something I honestly do not understand-how you get engaged in such a short period of time.I want to understand. Why is spending more time with a person so bad?I think in a limited amt of time, everyone is on their best behavior so you really don’t get to know the person.Why are you still in a system that is so “long time ago”?Today’s youth have different expectations and don’t want to settle for what… Read more »

    to each his own
    Guest
    to each his own

    The bottom line is that there is a zivug for every one.
    Every girl is going to look beautiful to her basherte.
    “Beautiful” is individual.
    What is beautiful in the eyes of one person, won’t be in the eyes of someone else.
    Seems like all the women in Tanach were beautiful…..
    May all our children find “beautiful” shidduchim

    #54 is spot on
    Guest
    #54 is spot on

    number 54 is very right and being that is currently no normal mature and chassidish way to deal with the fact, everyone just sticks their heads in the sand and point fingers in all directions instead of dealing with one of the more real problems that #54 mentioned. and id like to make a point of my own, that it is these self appointed shadchanim that created this whole industrial style talk of girls sizes, these people have no idea of the buchrim or girls they try and set up and quite frankly most of them are not exactly normal… Read more »

    curves are the new skinny
    Guest
    curves are the new skinny

    just for the record, im a bochur and i might not have had the best chinuch in the world but i know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. personally i think that a girl is attractive if she is comfortable in her own skin no matter what her size! even facial disfigurements and major body issues can be beautiful if the girl is comfortable and knows that this is what Hashem has given her, and she has done her best to enhance her beauty through tsnius and the whatever else girls do to pretty themselves up.

    #23 to #80
    Guest
    #23 to #80

    I appreciate that you are sharing your experience and granted, I do not have that but I do know and understand that to love is to give. I am picky not because I am a taker but because I give wholly and unconditionally and I am picky of who to give to.
    Looks are not so important but you have to be attracted to your future spouse on that purely physical level too.

    to all the self-righteous people commenting here
    Guest
    to all the self-righteous people commenting here

    so i get it it’s not about looks but everyone expects the girls to dress up and look their best on a date, right? if a guy is attracted to a cute girl, he is not frum enough, right? if a girl is skinny, she must be sick, right? if a girl is not skinny, she must not be taking care of herself, right? if a girl looks nice, she must be superficial, right?
    what’s wrong with you, people? how do you manage to turn everything into something negative? perhaps there is something very wrong with you.

    TO #96
    Guest
    TO #96

    The point is not about how a girl looks.

    The point IS that everyone looking for a shidduch should stop harping on the superficial aspects. Whether a girl/boy dresses nice, is skinny or pretty, it should not be the deciding factor to go out with a person.

    ...
    Guest
    ...

    Personally, I come from a Lubavitch community, but have much to with the secular community (and please don’t be fickle and criticise me here, it’s not the place or the point!) However, on the whole I see it that girls within the Lubavitch communities have more of a predominance to be weight and looks affected. I actually think a lot of it has to do with intelligence and confidence, which we know exists in our community. The issue of course, is when girls take it too far, and I may be alone in my opinion, but I believe we make… Read more »

    to #97 from #96 -
    Guest
    to #97 from #96 -

    the looks were not my point, the point was stop criticizing everything but i guess i shouldn’t be surprised you criticized my comment

    A word of caution
    Guest
    A word of caution

    I personally know of a couple where the guy did not want to continue after the first date because he did not find the girl thin or attractive enough.

    The shadchan talked him into it, they went out again, and got engaged a few weeks later.

    They are now happily married with two children, and he thinks his wife is the most gorgeous woman in the world.

    FIRST IMPRESSIONS CHANGE. GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A CHANCE!

    Life Coach For Singles
    Guest
    Life Coach For Singles

    The point of “talking” about a problem is first to have people write, talk and meet about it, BUT then to be solution-oriented. I don’t have the solution. I don’t think anyone has an exact answer. But the young people are often hurting and that shouldn’t be. I do have 2 ideas that are not necessarily going to bring immediate results but I think would prove helpful. 1. Singles only – not parents, rabbi’s, sisters, brothers, married friends should be the ones expressing their opinion for once. The others cloud the issue. The singles have the right to talk about… Read more »

    to #99 from #97
    Guest
    to #99 from #97

    I didnt comment to critisize. After reading your comment and almost 100 others, I simply realized that everyone is delving on the wrong thing. The problem is not the specifics of what girls/boys prefer, its the fact that they wont go out wih a prospective shidduch JUST BECAUSE of superficial reasons. There is no problem with preferences, yes, we are supposed to be attracted ot our mates, however, if you like/love their personality, you will automatically like their looks (or at least learn to 🙂 ). I will give you an example. A few weeks ago we had a shabbos… Read more »

    sad
    Guest
    sad

    its sad but true! we are all into looks ! Its not our fault if we werent born pretty im a person too please give me a chance !

    Now that you know....
    Guest
    Now that you know....

    Start Shapping up. (Bigashmius and B’ruchnius). Get out their and get to work ASAP.

    Next...
    Guest
    Next...

    Okay, enough talking about looks. This shallow talk is making me sick. Can we move onto the Gezhe, Baal Teshuvah issue now?

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
    Guest
    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

    Thank u ! I just got redt a shidduch because of the article. (I’m overweight )

    24 and partying
    Guest
    24 and partying

    Girls go to college and get to many ideas…….

    More Shiduch BULL
    Guest
    More Shiduch BULL

    If a bocher says that he is not attracted to heavy girls he immediately gets the extreme example, as you say here:

    …and if you like the way she looks today, but has an obnoxious personality or is a self-centered, self serving, egotistical person…

    Are all nice looking girls egotistical etc? Just SHUT UP!

    If we say it, it’s because it matters to us, not because it’s wrong. And BTW< maybe everyone, men and women, married or not. should watch what you eat and get some exercise.

    Here is the absolute truth
    Guest
    Here is the absolute truth

    – Most Chabad bochurim are not so obsessed with looks as the author makes out. – Attractiveness of both genders is not just about physical features but is mostly generated by the personality shining through those features. (“Chein”). – Therefore you should absolutely NOT look at pictures before meeting a potential shidduch. – As some have already noted, marriage is about giving, not about taking. – Telling your son not to focus on looks because they will change over time etc is illogical. First of all, if it is a choice between having a good-looking spouse for 2-3 years or… Read more »

    TO THE PEOPLE ABOVE
    Guest
    TO THE PEOPLE ABOVE

    …who are forgiving boys for being picky and superficial:

    SH!

    YOU HAVE NO PERMISSION TO SPEAK THAT WAY!

    It’s easy for the boys to sit back and say “I want her to be skinny and stunning.”

    BUT IT’S THE GIRLS DIETING UNTIL THEY DIE, AND SPENDING A FORTUNE ON CLOTHES AND MAKEUP SUFFERING, JUST TO SATISFY THE NEFESH HABEHAMIS OF SOME BOYS!

    #105
    Guest
    #105

    yes – im ready to talk/hear about that topic. can you be the one to start it by writing an article? (btw, is ffb considered a separate level, between bt and gezhe?)
    and #106 – im very happy for you. good to know that these articles are actually accomplishing in a constructive way! hatzlacha rabah, i really hope it works out well for you – please post again if it does!

    to number 87
    Guest
    to number 87

    i don’t understand? what’s wrong with dressing trendy if you’re still tznius?

    to 112
    Guest
    to 112

    i always had that issue, i always wondered why if were supposed to be tsnius and cover ourselves up then why is it ok to be trendy bc trendy invites attraction. hot colours and high heels and contrasting wardrobes all show the world to look at us and to limit us to what we wear as a first impression of who we are. i still dont understand why you can call trendy tsnius unless ofcourse the whole idea of tsnius is to enhance ones beauty and not to hide away in nerdy clothing ect. its important to look refined and… Read more »

    to 113
    Guest
    to 113

    I don’t understand your point. Your run-on sentences and neolithically imcompetent writing manner prevent myself, and I’m sure others, from interpreting the ideas which you wish to impart.

    amazing..
    Guest
    amazing..

    this article has brought for sure more contructive and humorous comments than the previous ones did.
    I agree with whoever said that u can take the positive side out of every comment.
    and to #58 the lasts senteces just struck me..
    i can’t let it slip my mind. it says:
    “Would you tell the Rebbe that you are not interested in something because of the reasons that you are using? If we claim to be chasidim, we should try to set our priorities according to what the Rebbe would expect and condone.”

    to 87
    Guest
    to 87

    I would like YOU to answer: what’s wrong with dressing trendy if you’re tznius kahalacha?
    thank you to 113 for answering

    to num 40
    Guest
    to num 40

    as a bocher who completely agrees with num 28, i was baffled by your struggle, which i fully sympathise with.
    but after some consideration and study of your comment, i discovered the route problem, and to quote: most girls….truly understand the meaning of ‘first love then lust, NOT first lust then love’
    implying that guys don’t, changing that attitude might help when you want to marry a guy, who ‘will be a guy’

    To #113
    Guest
    To #113

    Yasher Koach! Very inspiring. Can I ask you: What motivated you to discover the beauty of tznius? Was there a specific incident or was it just a realization that came with experience? It would be good to know, considering the other girls that have yet to find the brochos in this beautiful mitzvah. Have a good Shabbos!

    to 74
    Guest
    to 74

    i like this shiduch maybe you could be the shadchan and we wont have crisis anymore
    (you are not allow to talk about my speling because im not american (thank g-d)

    Israel Navy Engineering Officer
    Guest
    Israel Navy Engineering Officer

    pretending that it’s difficult for a young woman to get rather slimmer, is like pretending that it’s difficult for a young woman to get dental problems straightened out. Actually, it’s VERY MUCH less difficult because one doesn’t need the dentist’s fee money – one only has to NOT shovel the calories into the mouth. And even naive young guys who have never interacted with young women, understand that marrying a young woman who has self-control issues about fressing,is a foretaste of how she will approach life in general. Let’s be honest…. you get to size 10 or above ONLY by… Read more »

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