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Tuesday, 14 Heshvan, 5780
  |  November 12, 2019

What Singles Need to Figure Out

"There's a common thread of unresolved issues running through the minds of older singles," says shaddchanis Rivkah Leah Bernath. Full Story

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well done!
Guest
well done!

finally! smart advice 4 singles on col.
girls, attraction can grow, don’t expect it to be instant, give him a chance.

To the author:
Guest
To the author:

Thank you for you’re article. How can you be contacted please? Maybe a professional email address?

Too black and white
Guest
Too black and white

One can get married without having to see a therapist. Lots of people are very happily married even though they have been in the situations you mentioned. Only if a person feels that they have not processed what has happened to them and their mashpiah cannot help would a therapist need to come into the picture. When the couple is dating there needs to be solid support for the girl and boy to help them understand what they are experiencing and make sense of their feelings. Without that solid support they will make hasty decisions which they might come to… Read more »

great
Guest
great

Excellent post.

excellent
Guest
excellent

thanks

Need more Shadchonim like above
Guest
Need more Shadchonim like above

Wow amazing.
We need more people like above.
Who is going to deal with Shidduchim.
For OLDER singles, ages 23 and up.

Interesting article.
Guest
Interesting article.

Interesting article. I believe that no matter who is planning on dating, they should see a therapist before and during the time they go out. I say this because both men and women who grow up with little contact between them and the other gender often find themselves with few references on how to have healthy interactions that lead to healthy relationships between them and their spouse. By seeing a professional therapist or dating coach (not an uneducated mashpiah) who can provide some clarity on what they are feeling and provide them with tools, we might see some healthier marriages… Read more »

very good
Guest
very good

Keep up the advice
I was mistakenly told that you’re not supposed to give feedback directly to the other side so they dont feel bad if they want to vreak it off. But the risk of not giving feedback seems even greater. Can we have advice on how much/how to give feedback/when?

very strongly opinionated
Guest
very strongly opinionated

singles need to be respected for where they are in life, not “fixed”. The biggest problem is the shidduch world are all the strong opinions.

Shadchan Crisis
Guest
Shadchan Crisis

We older singles are not married yet plain and simple cuz we are not just “looking to get married” like you older people are just living with your spouses. If we get married its bc we will want to marry this person! (In the mean time we will live our single lives! )Not for the same reason why most people did years ago.

to number 3
Guest
to number 3

You mention that a therapist is needed only if a mashpia cant deal with it, what is the connection between a mashpia and a therapist that one continues where the other left off?

sounds too simplistic or immature
Guest
sounds too simplistic or immature

If all of married life is about growing together in spite of or because of inherent differences between male and female, perhaps these daters aren’t ready yet to navigate that life. Bochurim and girls can be cued about this before they begin the shidduch process.
The rest is psychobabble.

Lighten up
Guest
Lighten up

Ever consider that they simply haven’t found the right person? This does NOT mean that something is wrong with them or that they are going about it in the wrong way. Ever hear of a “needle in a haystack?”

Plea
Guest
Plea

Hey everyone, I’m an older single and I’d like to request and recommend that people stop assuming that older singles can talk themselves into becoming married people Everything the author writes is true But it is still limited Just like parnasah and health, finding ones zivug is entirely Hashems doing and is not linked to a specific reason in this world One must try to get married and do what is in their power to get married but one cannot achieve it just through willpower Hey you, all the advice givers, you must be sensitive realizing that after a certain… Read more »

Abba
Guest
Abba

It there was a like button here I would rush to push it on comment 10.

older single
Guest
older single

Why do people assume that older singles live in an imaginary world?
What if I just haven’t met the one (maybe even BC the shidduch system makes it so easy for them to pass me over and decide not to meet me)?

Very opinionated
Guest
Very opinionated

The real problem is the Shaddchanim. If the Shaddchanim spend 20% actually trying to work with difficult cases, the remaining 80% of the time is spent scheming how to expand their reputation and make the “good” shidduchs for the problem-free youth originating from well-established families. As a 29 year old single, educated (professional degree) and debt-free (not including student loans) man, I get tons of (((insert negative term here))) from Shaddchanim, as does my mother. All the Shaddchanim (won’t mention names) think I’m supposed to act like their indentured servant, desperate to get married or earn the approval of people… Read more »

Sitation 1 2 3
Guest
Sitation 1 2 3

I’ve seen many mamy times cases that the girl is ready after 3 dates and its the bochur that needs more time.
Can u elaborate on that?

Phone number
Guest
Phone number

Any phone number or email to contact you¿

Rivkah Bernath knows
Guest
Rivkah Bernath knows

She has been making shidduchim for nearly 10 years and speaks around the country on shidduchim. She is very experienced as a shadchan coach as well. She is probably the expert in this right now.
She has even successfully married off two of her own special needs children. Her agenda is to get everyone married, so if she says these are the roadblocks, take them seriously.

fellow shadchan
Guest
fellow shadchan

Although I agree with some of the observations, I think there are a host of additional factors. In addition to requirements that their dates should be goal-oriented, “funny,” and someone who they can respect, girls are often looking for husbands who can relate to them emotionally. (an oxymoran?) And many of the guys have requirements that would make for great listings in an hr department.

But above all, many have the inability to trust enough so that dates can to move forward. I can’t blame someone who has been dating for several years and has been subjected to countless disappointments.

One more thing
Guest
One more thing

Especially if the “older” individuals are baalei teshuvah (but maybe for all): There must be a stop to the pressure to make a decision after only a few shidduch meetings between two prospective spouses. Some people can hold themselves together to keep that best foot forward for several dates, but if the couple were to not be so pressured to make a quick decision, they could get to the point that each person in the couple finally let’s down their guard a bit and stops playing with party manners. It’s important to see a range of emotions in a prospective… Read more »

to #17
Guest
to #17

you sound like a good catch. You are a stable and grounded person with a career. Don’t let people push you around. You need to ask friends to introduce you to their friends or their wife’s friends.

To number #22
Guest
To number #22

It is my opinion that you are a bit naive to believe that a baalei teshuva will have been raised with less manners and not do as well with their emotions. There are countless disfunctional ffb people out there. Dysfunction in fact is more pronounced in the frum community. But it’s sweet that you have such innocent misconceptions.

#17
Guest
#17

how do we get in contact with u?

father of some children yet to marry
Guest
father of some children yet to marry

two comments: 1) one needs to have a feeling towards the other, but feeling is something that grows. as you live together you become more and more together. it isn’t noticeable necessarily til you miss it for some reason. 2) even though we don’t necessarily run our lives on sachel, is there not a ‘check list’ that each person has of qualities hey hope the other side will have? as we grow older is it possible that we can have happy and enriched lives with someone whom like me, is not perfect but wants to make a home and family?… Read more »

hamshachas halev...
Guest
hamshachas halev...

Ya gotta feel that “it’s it!”
And sometimes, you can just tell very early on that it’s never gonna be there.

Ugh
Guest
Ugh

Set us up with normal guys and then we’ll talk. Oh wait, no normal older guys, they’re all sour lamos waiting for Cinderella Barbie to appear. Yea, no thanks. I think the window of normal older guys has been closed for a while now…..if they are remotely normal they are extremely picky and impossible to go out with. Thus, making them just as lame. No solutions from me. Just complaining;)

It's complicated
Guest
It's complicated

No 14 has expressed the situation very well indeed. Yes, a lot of people do think a successful match and subsequent marriage is just a matter of willpower. Life teaches that it doesn’t happen like clockwork for a significant proportion of people.

Great
Guest
Great

Great points. Totally agree. (Obviously there’s more).

Married late
Guest
Married late

As a BT married at 37, happy together more than 15 years, i must agree with the author. But I would add one precious pearl I learned. When dating, keep going until you come upon an insurmountable problem even if you don’t have feelings yet.

Yossel
Guest
Yossel

Our world is far more complex than it was 100 years ago. Back then, people got married so they could have more Yiddishe children and they knew that the Cossacks (or whoever) could come at any time and r”l massacre the community. In other words, they were not very picky because they knew their lives were hanging by a thin thread. Today, B”H we don’t have those worries. Therefore, “survival” is no longer an issue, so people tend to look deeper and with more complexity at a prospective shidduch. I believe that is one reason why people aren’t getting married… Read more »

Therapy is a must ...pchycologist must be a habit like brushing teeth
Guest
Therapy is a must ...pchycologist must be a habit like brushing teeth

Our new generation want everything right away , that include feeling , money, etc ….that’s a problem 1; Second we too concern about ourself benefits that dating couple forget that they need to contribute something to the relationship ….. After speaking to many older girls 24 plus , I understand that they have a “Cinderella disorder ” they do wait for a prince to come and pick them up from the crowd …. But older guys are looking more and more for girls 18+ and not interested in older girls around their age at all ….. I also believe that… Read more »

To #17
Guest
To #17

…hang in there, have Bitachon and be happy. The Baal Teshuva is more precious to Hashem than the most FFB Tzadik. You will find your shidduch.

Age and Maturity
Guest
Age and Maturity

The author presented several concerns of the older “crowd” very well. One thing bothers me, though–not just with this author, but with all shadchanim: the use of the words “boy” and “girl” to describe their “targets.” Anyone who believes s/he is mature enough to be married and is seeking a partner is a “man” or a “woman.” These terms, indicative of maturity, should not be limited to married couples. Marriage itself does NOT make one mature: being willing and able to take on responsibility for one’s life while fulfilling the mitzvoth that Hashem assigned to that individual does. If shadchanim… Read more »

marriage-based maturity
Guest
marriage-based maturity

Why do we continue to refer to marriage-age individuals as “boys” and “girls”? This suggests that we think of unmarried individuals as children! We all understand the influence of language on thought patterns. If shadchanim continue to think of non-married individuals as being immature, they’ll never give them the type of support they need to form a meaningful relationship. A change in attitude is critical, especially when considering a match between “older” singles.

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