Create Account
ב"ה
Sunday, 14 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 19, 2019

    We Are Hearing Their Cry

    Clearly, there are critical lessons to be learned from the tragic death of Faigy Mayer, says counselor and therapist Raphael Aron. Full Story

    nf_9419_51142

    LA Cheder Young Leadership Meets

    Next Story »

    Rabbi Ceitlin Uplifted in Catskills

    39
    Opinions and Comments

    Login to keep track of your comments, follow a conversation or flag a comment
    avatar
      Subscribe  
    newest oldest most voted
    Notify of
    Mental Health Freindship Circle
    Guest
    Mental Health Freindship Circle

    Been dreaming of doing this for a long time….
    Would be great to do this in her memory –
    FC for those that suffer from any of the five DSM.
    The Blemish is not having the condition. The blemish is in ignoring it, or trying to compensate for it.

    There needs to be more done
    Guest
    There needs to be more done

    My daughter has no yeshiva for the fall. She is just a little girl who has severe learning problems although overall she is bright and feels disenchanted by the system. Through her I got to meet other at risk kids. The kids who mother their siblings because both parents work just to pay tuition. Kids who are babysat by Netflix and absorb the secular indoctrination like a baby absorbs milk from a bottle. There needs to be more resource rooms and there needs to be more oversight over therapists and accountability that realistic goals are set – what steps were… Read more »

    Rebbe recommended orthodox psychologist
    Guest
    Rebbe recommended orthodox psychologist

    Just read a letter yesterday from the rebbe to a man who was considering an operation for alternative lifestyle. The rebbe said that if his answer isn’t enough, that this individual should seek guidance from an orthodox pyschologist

    enough of blaming "frum" people!!
    Guest
    enough of blaming "frum" people!!

    for every little thing that someone who “goes off the derech” does wrong

    Right on target
    Guest
    Right on target

    Important article! Tfs

    Over the top
    Guest
    Over the top

    One off topic point is having only a rav and mashpia, having access to a person who can deal with mental issuesis crucial. Just like any other medical problems which can have a negative affect on the persons physical body and can affect the people around them, so too mental health. The effects have a huge impact on those who deal with this person on a regular basis. Just like a person goes to have a dental check up/ cleaning or go get a physical – so too a mental health check up should be an option- which would lessen… Read more »

    really important article!
    Guest
    really important article!

    For years I was thinking, there has to be a fund for people with psychological issues, who cannot afford treatment, I also believe strongly that there has to be a list of successful caring therapists in a public forum, since unfortunately some therapists are less than ideal!!

    respect
    Guest
    respect

    Dear Raphael It is true that many people feel impelled to leave in part because they are treated poorly by the frum community or are otherwise in some sort of distress, but at the core of both Shafran’s article and yours is a wholesale dismissal of the intellectual lives and decisions of people who leave the lifestyle. In this respect, there is nothing novel in your response. My colleagues and I are insulted that you so callously capitalize on the tragedy of our friend’s death to promulgate more of the condescension so typical to our communities of birth. We request… Read more »

    Mental Illness.
    Guest
    Mental Illness.

    You have nailed it! Unfortunately I know a few to many families that suffer from mental illness of a family member and keep it hushed due to stigma and judgment from the community. Its painful. Families are suffering, not only the parents but the other children/family members as well.. if someone can start this awareness in our communities they will be saving lives.. In every sense. Thank you for beginning an awareness that is so necessary!

    My 2 cents
    Guest
    My 2 cents

    Parents treatment of their distant child reflect the community…if the community would be more accepting, the parents would be more accepting. Frum communities,no matter which, are extremely harsh and judgemental.

    accepting?
    Guest
    accepting?

    Why do parents HAVE to be accepting?
    They should continue to be s parent. Accepting rebellion against Hashem? Absolutely not.

    Harsh and cruel
    Guest
    Harsh and cruel

    I became observant in my 30s, we had a little boy, who was extremely bright but had learning differences. In the wider Jewish community he was treated badly, was shunned, cyber bullied and left alone. It is not just the frum, it is the Jewish community at large, who are cruel to each other if there is one who is different. This happend in a Jewish school. They were cruel and wicked, and to them it was ok to laugh and poke fun at one who is seen different. Shame on them all, shame on them.

    here we go again
    Guest
    here we go again

    this is disappointing on so many levels. here we go again oversimplifying human beings and their choices…no Mr Aron it is not so black and white. There are many many layers to each story and while I agree whole-heartedly that mental health needs to be de-stigmatized everywhere, there are many cases where there are zero mental health issues but parents who abuse their children, siblings who abuse their siblings, who push these perfectly healthy, resilient, amazing individuals out of the system.

    Parent
    Guest
    Parent

    I agree with 10. Rebellion or not, ve achavta le reacha kamocha comes first. To parent 11, you don’t accept your rebellious childs decisions to rebel, but you should never stop loving your child and trying to connect in any way possible. when a child rebels, sending him or her away, or shunning him or her is the last thing a parent should do. When a child rebels against H-shem, the last think H-shem wants is for us to force the child away. This is when we have to be more patient, more loving, more calm and more prayerful. You… Read more »

    Welcome to Golus
    Guest
    Welcome to Golus

    These are the wars that are predicted,before the final revelation. Not the ones between the children and their families/ communities. ..but the ones we each fight everyday within ourselves. . ” Open heart surgery” is extremely difficult. N

    Different Story
    Guest
    Different Story

    Let’s keep in mind she had a history of mental illness…

    #11 Brought up a Good Point
    Guest
    #11 Brought up a Good Point

    While parents should always leave the door open to the “prodigal son” (or daughter), there are limits. Don’t parents have a right to certain atmosphere or decorum? Or simply, their own convictions? The world applauds or mourns an at-risk child for “asserting his/her identity,” but a pious person who does so is a fanatic? A double standard if I ever saw one. Suppose the child’s behavior is corrupting or dangerous — even physically — to his siblings.? Should he stay at home? Suppose Allan (formerly Aharon) announces his “born-again” conversion? Or brings home his shiksa fiancée? Or better yet, his… Read more »

    to#11
    Guest
    to#11

    It’s either our way or the highway. You have to conform and not be different and you must think like everybody else.

    Sigh.

    17 and 11
    Guest
    17 and 11

    I agree 100% Love and acceptance is two completely different entities! I will always love my child , but will not accept their rebellion . That has nothing to do with being shunned by the community, simply because the torah and all its laws were given to us to keep us safe and a child going ‘off ‘ is not just spiritually harming themselves , they are physically , emotionally and mentally harming themselves! Here’s afew tips … Tell the child how much u love them over and over even if they say ‘ I hate you’ back . Engage… Read more »

    Deeply In Pain
    Guest
    Deeply In Pain

    I have son in his early 20’s who suffers from mental health issues.The pain,isolation and shame our indescribable. We live in a large out of town community and there are no frum resources to help. Of course our son is OTD. This is seemingly the last taboo to be over come in the frum community.

    Who's to blame?
    Guest
    Who's to blame?

    Here is an excerpt of an email Faigy sent to her friends, and it got ino the papers: “It is now, having recently celebrated my 5 year anniversary for leaving hasidic Judaism that I realize what my problem probably was. It was probably due to the fact that my mom’s parents are converts to Hasidic Judaism, my grandmother had most of a college degree from Brooklyn College at the age of 18, is highly intellectual, and I take after her and strongly identify with my American roots. I wasn’t able to have anything to dish about with my peers. I… Read more »

    To Rabbi Aron
    Guest
    To Rabbi Aron

    A little research would reveal Faigy Mayer did receive extensive mental health treatment, in fact many people believe that that was part of the problem, that instead of viewing her secular interests as part of a spiritual journey, they viewed it as a illness and had her institutionalized as a teenager.

    It's not greener on the other side
    Guest
    It's not greener on the other side

    Some people believe that living a secular life will magically give them shiny new friends, success financially and self esteem. They then focus on those in the community who have personality issues and use that as an excuse for the decisions they make and all the ultimate consequences, living reactive lives instead of facing their problems realistically and taking responsibility for their own lives. Certainly, moving to a different community or doing new things may help someone but giving up the inner compass protection and guidance that living a Jewish life brings leaves anyone- particularly a troubled young person lost… Read more »

    to number 19
    Guest
    to number 19

    If only there were more people like you!

    Accepting other's opinions...
    Guest
    Accepting other's opinions...

    There are more than 2 sides to this issue. Parents do need to keep communication lines open even to their children who have strayed, so when they want to come back – as tiny a step as that backtrack might be, they’ll have the way paved for them. Yes the community needs to also be more accepting of others, but don’t others have to be accepting of the community’s opinion? I’m sure the road of acceptance is a 2-way speedway… As for the community leaders – or those who feel a need to preach to others, they need to understand… Read more »

    sometimes...
    Guest
    sometimes...

    Sometimes mental illness can be physical (biological) in origin, for example a person can have a chemical imbalance.

    my way or highway?
    Guest
    my way or highway?

    could it have something to do with the extremely rigid social / religious framework of those communities? In Chabad, if you can’t force yourself to wear the stockings or Shevy wig or Borsalino and black suite all day long, you can switch to a jean skirt and a tichel, jeans and a cap or the leather / knit yarmolka, and still totally be part of your family and community. There, you get the wrong shade stockings, or your skirt is too bright for their rebbe de ‘jour, and you’re a rebel haunted by the whole community. Here, even the so-called… Read more »

    social / personal freedom
    Guest
    social / personal freedom

    Also in Chabad, there’s so much more personal freedom of self-expression or self-discovery that a person does not, in most cases, need to leave the community to find his own path or comfort zone. In the area of professional studies and occupation, both for men and women. In the area of general interests, social circles, etc.

    There, if you don’t fit in any way, tough luck – they chase you out completely. And you’ll be happy to escape without major wounds…

    To Levi Keller
    Guest
    To Levi Keller

    Dear Levi, how precisely does this article insult your intellect, or how exactly is it trying to capitalize on the tragedy? The article is talking about a young lady who was pushed to a suicide, and it’s trying to increase the awareness of some possible, potential causes in the broader community so that people can deal with the range of issues in a way that the affected individuals’ lives are preserved. Whatever choices and changes your intellectual process has led you to make in your life, ending – G-d forbid – your life is not a consideration for you, I… Read more »

    Discounted psychological services
    Guest
    Discounted psychological services

    I’m a doctoral student at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology at Yeshiva University, in the Bronx. The Parnes clinic located at the school conducts psychoeducational evaluations, child and adult psychodyanamic and cognitive-behavioral therapy, and neuro-psychological evaluations for a heavily discounted price. The therapists and clinicians are doctoral students, and they are bring supervised by licensed psychologists. It is an excellent service, and if anyone needs therapy or evaluations for their children or themselves, it’s a great option. .

    inaccurate
    Guest
    inaccurate

    the article is not the full story. if you want to get the full story google faigy mayer and you will see information pop up. People that don’t want to be frum anymore should not blame or make fun of religious people.

    to #2
    Guest
    to #2

    Yitti Leible Hotline
    718-435-7669

    Happy
    Guest
    Happy

    Make the home a happy place no matter what. That is a general principle. Things don’t always go the way we want, money, kids, life, etc, etc. But we still have to be happy. Hay is chabad. And there if we are happy and healthy and our children see that and they are happy and healty that is the best way to teach them to make their own healthy choices.

    yes, as long as they are licensed mental health professionals
    Guest
    yes, as long as they are licensed mental health professionals

    A little bit as a side note to this article – the problem in frum communities is that when mental health issues ARE addressed, they send people to any frum therapist, even if they are not licensed and not accountable to anyone for their professional conduct. Just think of the Weberman case as the worst case scenario. Yes seeking help from a therapist is great. As long as they are licensed and accountable to others.

    YES agree with 24
    Guest
    YES agree with 24

    #19 you bought tears to my eyes …May you have wonderful nachas and enjoy simchas by all ur kids…..and kiddos go give ur Mom a big hug and kiss..You only have one Mom who gives you her heart and soul….

    No 17 & No 29
    Guest
    No 17 & No 29

    Well said well written!
    My sentiments exactly
    May all of our yiddisher kinder find peace. May all of our beautiful parents hurting for their children have healthy nachas!

    # 19
    Guest
    # 19

    that is exactly what I try to do with otd teenager
    is there any funding out there for families that need help

    gone through hardships
    Guest
    gone through hardships

    yes alot of things are true i personaly have two children that were off me my husband children all went through therapy to help each other bh my two kids are married one has a beard the other no but so what i akways told always tell my children i love them hug the my grandchildren give everyone their space by bugging them u will not get anywhere love them uncondionaly keep your comments to yourself respect them take them out go out with them smile to them ask them if they need anything ask them would u like to… Read more »

    C. B.
    Guest
    C. B.

    One major issue which needs to be addressed, is the fact that people that have no problems with huge demands (ie. constant guests, always do what your husband wants regardless of how outrageous it is……) don’t realize that some people REALLY can’t keep up, whether because of lack of support, emotional or otherwise, or too many people seeming to say that we should all strive for the top and they know that in certain areas they will never come close, all these things can put a person so down, that they don’t feel like doing anything. When a person says… Read more »

    X