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Saturday, 6 Heshvan, 5784
  |  October 21, 2023

We Are Crown Heights’ Invisible Women

From the COLlive Inbox: A woman brings attention to a group whom you may not have noticed. "Our pain is invisible to the naked eye. We look like everyone else but we’re not. We suffer quietly..." Full Story

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Unbelievable
March 10, 2022 10:35 pm

Really thankful that this article was published. ONLY HASHEM can heal the pain. May we merit to be agents of healing.

unbelievable
Reply to  Unbelievable
March 10, 2022 11:45 pm

Amen

Intention
Reply to  Unbelievable
March 11, 2022 4:42 pm

The intention of the article was to bring awareness and start a conversation. Although there is a mention of support in this community to or for widows and orphans there is no comparison. Every group has their own challenges. And these need to be respected. There’s no pain like death and maybe widows do need special outings etc much more than divorcees.

Wow
March 10, 2022 10:35 pm

This was such a powerful article. Beautiful written. Thank you for bringing up this topic.

Thank you
March 10, 2022 10:39 pm

Thank you so much for writing this so beautifully. For bringing light to this issue. It’s so important and so needed.
We need more awareness to support the divorced too.
Tx for starting

Love your calm composed tone of voice
March 10, 2022 10:45 pm

I love how you expressed the truth and that people should acknowledge you for you and not for your situation that you are in. Its unfortunate especially for Baali teshuva when they have to face how the frum world treats them when they get divorced. I’m so in awe for some of them and I would like to continue encouraging: always remember: you decided to become frum for Hashem and his Torah AND you have our Rebbe to hold on to! Never let that go, no matter what society throws at you. I would like to add a correction: as… Read more »

Women victims
March 10, 2022 10:46 pm

I am not saying that a lot of divorce women don’t suffer. However let’s be very very clear that divorce is NOT only when the guy is the bad one. There are plenty of women who are the narcissist who play the victim with false water works and please pity me my ex was horrible. When in truth she is the evil one. And yes I do feel for kids of course I do but let’s not compare divorce women or kids from divorce to widows or orphans. Make your case on what you personally are going through without comparing… Read more »

Yup
Reply to  Women victims
March 11, 2022 1:42 am

I was thinking this the whole time as I was reading the article.

It goes both ways. People need to know that.

Parental Alienation
Reply to  Women victims
March 11, 2022 12:10 pm

Some Divorced women are angry, Jealous and vindictive. They get sympathy from do gooders that support parental alienation.
Parental Alienation is Child abuse.

Parental alienation claims
Reply to  Parental Alienation
March 11, 2022 2:31 pm

That claim is usually the narrative of a vindictive man to gain sympathy and abuse his ex wife.

THIS
Reply to  Parental alienation claims
March 12, 2022 8:24 pm

the idea of the “poor maligned father” is often a tactic by the absentee dad who, after he can no longer refuse a Get, tries to force a relationship with his kids that was never there. He realizes what he’s losing once his wife can’t take it anymore and then the kids become the way he tries to maintain control/bully his wife or the new victims. it’s disgusting.

Wow
March 10, 2022 10:49 pm

Thank you for bringing this up .

I’ll check back in comments to see if you answered –
Practically speaking – how can I help a struggling single mom without making her feel nebach ? Bec i truly don’t think she is
But don’t want her to feel shame or embarrassment
Ty

Correction
Reply to  Wow
March 10, 2022 11:11 pm

Already using the word “nebach” is already wrong. They are not nebach cases, they are our fellow yidden who want to be treated as our brothers and sisters with understanding at what they are going through. Nebach should be taken out of the dictionary. Just because something goes wrong in YOUR life, YOU become a nebach? Gross! For starters:invite them over for shabbos or yom tov, that’s always a huge help.

I’ll be honest
Reply to  Correction
March 10, 2022 11:39 pm

I’ll be honest , I used to invite a local single mother until she started commenting on how lucky I am to have a husband and lucky to have a table with family etc . It made me uncomfortable. Yes I may have a husband but who said my marriage is perfect just because we are not divorced. These comments make a person uncomfortable. I hope you understand. As if she was jealous !

I totally agree and understand
Reply to  I’ll be honest
March 11, 2022 12:14 am

I believe people have lack of communication and lack of understanding with between eachothers situations. How about before to invite her, explain to her “the grass is not greener on the other side” as it might appear. If she still insists, then just be a listening ear friend (listening can do wonders), when you meet her but definitely not make her feel uncomfortable because of her personal situation.

From an experienced single mom
Reply to  I’ll be honest
March 11, 2022 5:18 am

I think it’s important to reframe this and not to assume she was jealous. I want to validate that her comment made you uncomfortable but think about all the discomfort she probably lives with every day and how HaShem has blessed you and then take a moment to extend your heart to hear and to hear her pain. By telling you how lucky you are to have a husband, she has actually given you a gift by helping you to feel more grateful and appreciative of your supportive husband – it’s an example of a relationship that she has never… Read more »

Reply
Reply to  From an experienced single mom
March 12, 2022 7:27 pm

Reply to:
By telling you how lucky you are to have a husband, she has actually given you a gift by helping you to feel more grateful and appreciative of your supportive husband

Like someone wrote, just cause she is married doesn’t mean things are well.
Her husband might be very unsupportive etc. Just a reminder

unbelievable
Reply to  Wow
March 10, 2022 11:47 pm

bring over something before yom tov or for Purim
just show up
see what is needed and act
hamaase hu haikar

To wow
Reply to  Wow
March 11, 2022 3:00 am

Hire her for something, maybe ask her to babysit or something and pay here what you wanted to give her. So you’re a generous boss? Why not, it gives good reviews on Google. 🙂

Add money on her grocery bill
Reply to  Wow
March 11, 2022 6:51 am

You can help by putting money on her grocery bill for her, She doesn’t have to know! Just add a few dollars here.and there.

How you can help
Reply to  Wow
March 11, 2022 4:51 pm

You don’t need to worry that helping her will make her feel like a nebach bc she already does feel like a nebach. If anything, the financial help will make her feel better.

This is actually similar for regular singles
March 10, 2022 10:56 pm

Thank you for your honesty And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way I’m not trying to move the spotlight off you Or devalue your specific plight and the details of your story that pertain only to you But if it makes you feel better Most older singles (30+ women) feel very similarly to you We suffer in silence We don’t get much support We are viewed as misguided People think we need advice People suggest very outlandish Shidduchim to us We have to work hard to support ourselves It must be even harder for you But some… Read more »

Hugely different
Reply to  This is actually similar for regular singles
March 10, 2022 11:39 pm

Older singles are alone and deserve to be included and invited but that’s basically the only similarity. Divorcees have the huge burden of raising and supporting their family. If an older single needs a vacation, she only has to think of her own schedule. No child care, no can I afford this over my kids’ needs, etc. Btw, not just to divorcees, but “Go fundraise” is an awful, insensitive thing for anyone in the chinuch sphere to tell a parent. Many years ago, while paying a decent tuition (top 10%) by the words of the administrator(!), I (married) was told,… Read more »

with you
Reply to  This is actually similar for regular singles
March 10, 2022 11:41 pm

crying with you
hope people support older singles as well

a possible suggestion
Reply to  This is actually similar for regular singles
March 11, 2022 5:44 am

Your observation might be a partial answer to this situation. Would an older single woman be able to assist and get involved with helping a divorced mother of children. It would be a tremendous bracha if the single woman could offer to pick up a kid when necessary, grab something in the market etc. for the divorced woman trying to keep her family together. she could help make shabbos, and come over to eat there. there would be much less stigma for both of the adults, as they’ve arranged to help each other face their challenges. I don’t need to… Read more »

You're so right!
Reply to  This is actually similar for regular singles
March 11, 2022 7:50 am

And with pesach approaching it becomes all the more painful – if you’re over 30 and single and can’t afford to travel, then your stuck with family or friends who are sometimes much younger than you and have all their kids at their table Kudos goes out to Bronya Schafer who as a widow makes seders for women only, those who are single and no kids at the table. My friend said it was the first time in her adult life that she really enjoyed and got into the seder. There should be more ways that older single women feel… Read more »

I love this.
March 10, 2022 10:56 pm

Thank you for posting this.

Infertility
March 10, 2022 11:00 pm

I got divorced with one beautiful daughter years ago. Silently, I have the pain of wanting more children. My siblings and friends have large families and I have an empty nest. A little sensitivity would be nice when speaking about your due dates and large families. Yes, it’s life. Just awareness.

Friend
Reply to  Infertility
March 10, 2022 11:41 pm

As your friend what should we do ? It’s hard to know . If we talk about our regular milestones then you may get hurt why you can’t move on. If we avoid it you may get upset why we don’t talk to you like a regular person. It’s hard to know what we should do .

you hit it on the head
Reply to  Friend
March 12, 2022 8:32 pm

I have a toddler and desperately wish I was still married and getting to have more little ones. There are times when people’s pregnancies, brisim, weddings, etc are too much for me. Or times where I can’t be their sounding board for complaining about how overwhelmed they are with their big family/tons of kids because I don’t have what to give. But you are so correct and so sensitive in saying that it also hurts to be left out. I can only tell you what I do/what works for me: open communication. my friends tell me when they have milestones… Read more »

Sorry
Reply to  Infertility
March 10, 2022 11:54 pm

I’m sorry for your pain .

a fellow sister
Reply to  Infertility
March 11, 2022 12:49 am

I feel your pain and also wish that “circumstantial infertility” was more spoken about. sending love to you. you are not alone!

Rather offer than not
March 10, 2022 11:02 pm

Tell her straight out that it’s a pleasure

My family is divorced all over
March 10, 2022 11:33 pm

We have many divorces in my family. It’s hard. It’s bitter. It’s lonely. It’s uncomfortable.
I don’t see why you need to compare yourself to what widows get. They have it hard just as well, and sometimes harder.
I also don’t know why you paint the picture that the woman is always the victim. And the husband is evil and careless. It’s rather 50/50 quiet the opposite.
Good luck and I hope you find a job.
P.S. ‘most people’ aren’t out to get you. They simply don’t have jobs to offer.

where is your sensitivity
Reply to  My family is divorced all over
March 11, 2022 4:29 am

to the author of this article, please disregard comments like this.

what you experience is so uniquely difficult, especially as a woman. do not let anyone belittle your pain. it is very real and very valid.

To family is divorced all over
Reply to  My family is divorced all over
March 21, 2022 10:48 pm

Hope you get a job? The author is employed full time. She said her salary isn’t sufficient cause it seems that her ex doesn’t pay child support. Insensitive comment

Suffering in Silence
March 10, 2022 11:33 pm

I feel your pain, and I am glad that you expressed your sadness. Yet I feel it important to point out that TOO many people are suffering ( children addicted to drugs, abuse, loss of loved ones, battling illness, etc.) and many are suffering valiantly and quietly. I believe we have to be more intuned and more sensitive to others whether we are privy to their suffering or not. Most of us have the same hard lives and we should all try to be more caring to others so non of us feel alone.

Great point
Reply to  Suffering in Silence
March 11, 2022 4:26 am

But right now we’re talking about women who have gone through or are going through divorce, so let’s allow our attention to remain on them.

oof
Reply to  Suffering in Silence
March 12, 2022 8:36 pm

I knew this comment would be coming from some well-meaning person who completely missed the point. This mother is writing to explain how she feels and bring attention to something that is hard and also silent. There are MANY posts about drug addicted children, abuse, loss, etc. Do you go on those and say “shush, everyone has their issues?” (I hope not). Please give people the space to express themselves without trying to talk over them. there is no need. one pain doesn’t negate another. She didn’t say “we are the only people who suffer” or “we have the hardest… Read more »

Now let’s flip the coin
March 10, 2022 11:38 pm

Fathers that try to stay involved, and get rejected, parental alienation there’s way more to this sad dynamic, father also gave emotions, it’s not ALWAYS THE DAD to blame.

I agree their should be a better shidduch process for divorced individuals.

Kindness should be for everyone including the dads.

And yet...
Reply to  Now let’s flip the coin
March 11, 2022 4:24 am

Very often the blame does fall on the father, and no one even cares.

Very well said
Reply to  Now let’s flip the coin
March 11, 2022 5:10 am

Well said.
It is a shame that women decide to be ‘strong’ after their divorced rather than being strong during their marriage.

29 out of 30 times a marriage can be more than just salvaged, rather it can be rained upon with blessings when the woman does רצון בעלה.

So, ladies who are reading this, take a note. Leave feminism outside of your marriage.

Feminist?
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 8:43 am

Being a divorced woman does not make the woman a feminist

True
Reply to  Feminist?
March 11, 2022 9:24 am

But also what is so wrong with being a feminist?

All human beings should be feminists.

Hahaha
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 9:14 am

This comment is disgusting.

Feminism is clearly central to any good relationship.

Marriage doesn’t have to work out, Gd created divorce for a reason.

And to all the women reading this, it is not your job to save your marriage. If you want out, that is 100% your choice and you are doing the right thing.

Reality check
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 10:49 am

There’s no being strong when there’s domestic violence. Most divorced women I know got divorced because they were being terrorized and tortured by their husbands. You clearly don’t have experience with this bh so please stop the distortion.

Seriously?!
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 12:50 pm

That was a disgusting judgemental comment.
How dare you.
You don’t deserve any further explanation of how wrong you are.
May Hashem help you

Feminist?
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 1:28 pm

How about living with a narcissist sociopath?
If a frum woman leaves her marriage it’s usually in irreparable situation, such as narcissism (which has no treatment), repeated cheating, psychopathic behavior or untreated mental illness
Not feminism….
I’m glad your not aware of the crazy reasons women leave
Wish you well

In the end only kindness matters
Reply to  Very well said
March 11, 2022 6:13 pm

I hope you never have to go through the pain of feeling trapped, lonely and out of options. Your insensitivity is probably born of pain you are not dealing with.

Huh?
Reply to  Very well said
March 12, 2022 12:30 pm

what so stay in an abusive marriage?

To Very well said
Reply to  Very well said
March 12, 2022 7:46 pm

You are either being very condescending as you have it “all worked out” and know nothing of what other people’s lives might really be likeOr, you are bitter and resentful from your own experience. Either way, your comment reflects a real unhealthiness. That kind of attitude doesn’t reflects a person who has a healthy understanding of relationships

gross
Reply to  Very well said
March 12, 2022 8:39 pm

Your comment is as idiotic as it is tone deaf. If you have a wife or daughters, I pray for them. This sort of outdated way of thinking is what keeps people in abusive marriages. I would know.

They were strong
Reply to  Very well said
March 14, 2022 2:23 pm

We were strong in the marriage trying to make it work for so long. And then we were strong to realize we and our children deserved better than to live in fear and conflict and misery. And then we are strong every day we do everything on our own. We have always been strong. So please don’t delude yourself into believing we do this out of choice or before trying everything else. Shame on you for your distasteful post

Feminism
Reply to  Now let’s flip the coin
March 11, 2022 10:00 am

If you don’t like feminism, make sure your wife doesn’t work to help supply the family. If she does, please ensure she earns less than men in the same job. Make sure she doesn’t vote in local or national elections to support your preferred candidate. Don’t allow her to open credit cards in her name c”v, or apply for loans if your own credit is shot. And if anything comes up that requires talking to your children’s doctors or teachers, take care of that yourself because loud, assertive women are so annoying!

there's always one
Reply to  Now let’s flip the coin
March 12, 2022 8:38 pm

There is always the person who can’t let anyone express their point of view without trying to talk over them because “men too.” neither the time nor the place. Nor relevant to the conversation. nice try though

Employment opportunity
March 10, 2022 11:50 pm

Crown Heights Career Hub is an on-site Quickbooks/Excel training program for the Chabad community located in Crown Heights . In a span of only 6 weeks we will train you for a bookkeeping career with huge growth potential. Employment assistance is available. Separate men’s and women’s classes starting after Pesach. Limited spots available. Please contact us at n.schwerd@Rabbi Moshe Wiener.org or 718-449-5000 ext 2336 and leave a message. Click on http://www.chcareerhub.org to apply.

Be the change you want to see
March 10, 2022 11:54 pm

This is beautifully written. Yasher koach! Here is another thought to consider. Every person has pain. We all need support. So many people are needy for more money. Thankfully, there is something we can do to change things for ourselves and others. Start a community of support! Create a whatsapp group or a Facebook page. Get together in person. There is so much you can do to help yourself and others at the same time. Yesssss it is important for everyone to be sensitive to other people’s needs. But if someone isn’t inviting you or reaching out… Don’t judge them!… Read more »

How not to react
Reply to  Be the change you want to see
March 11, 2022 4:22 am

This is a perfect example of what not to do when someone tells you they’re hurting, struggling, or need your support.

Don’t tell them that everyone else is struggling too.

Don’t tell them that only they can save themselves.

Don’t push their feelings to the side and demand they “be the change they want to see.”

Instead, listen. Empathize. Give them space to feel their suffering and stay beside them so they’re not alone.

Friendship 101.

exactly
Reply to  How not to react
March 12, 2022 8:41 pm

I find the multitude of tone-deaf responses of “other people suffer” and “what about the dads” to be pretty sickening. thank you for your response

Same with single girls
March 10, 2022 11:55 pm

Same happens to single girls

Clearly there are two sides
March 11, 2022 12:04 am

While eating at certain families, sometimes we see the mother showing complete disrespect to her husband, making fun/putting him down in everything he does specially in from of the kids/guests…very disturbing/destructive/shocking really embarrassing bringing along this toxic “power of feminist movement”, being completely oblivious of the husband/father feelings At a certain point if/when the husband reaches a certain limit its just to late for any chance to repair. Respect proper communication to each other is a key element in the holy foundation of marriage And yes unfortunate sometimes this destructive behaviour also happens from the husband/father side… Marriage is a… Read more »

EVERYONE IS SUFFERING
March 11, 2022 12:18 am

I feel it ironic that you chose the word “invisible” to express your pain. When being divorced is definitely a challenging journey yet not a secret. Possibly many are not appropriate when discussing your life, yet it’s still not invisible! There are to many in our community who are suffering SILENTLY ( abuse, addiction, mental illness ECT) and we will never know. Yet none believes a divorcee is not suffering. Perhaps our community is not sensitive but “invisible” really???

Lack of empathy
Reply to  EVERYONE IS SUFFERING
March 11, 2022 4:16 am

Of course everyone suffers, but this article is specifically talking about divorce.

It’s like people who say “all lives matter.” Obviously all lives matter, but right now we’re calling attention to black lives mattering.

Why is it so difficult for this community to show empathy?

Well said
Reply to  Lack of empathy
March 11, 2022 9:31 am

There is no limit on showing empathy!

The plight of divorced single Moms and their children is a situation that is sadly not given much (if any) attention.
And if you have not experienced yourself or someone close to you, do not make judgements and assume the divorcee has not tried their best to make the marriage work.

Be sensitive, show compassion, be kind and helpful to these wonderful families

Full of empathy
Reply to  Lack of empathy
March 13, 2022 9:54 pm

If we don’t label the issue properly we will Never get the solution. Yes invisible is inappropriate. We need to be sensitive and accurate to truly help others. Sounding nice does bring us closer to the solution.

A pity
Reply to  Full of empathy
March 14, 2022 2:26 pm

That you have the opportunity to realize you said something rude, apologize, and learn/grow. and instead you double down and stick to your opinion. Sigh.

Stop Comparing
Reply to  EVERYONE IS SUFFERING
March 11, 2022 6:46 am

A divorced woman expresses her pain. She feels invisible, isolated.
Who are we to question the pain of feeling ‘invisible”.
This is not a time to judge or compare.
Let us show compassion and be sensitive to the situation that so many innocent woman/ men and innocent children face.

It is time to show compassion. To be there for the heartbroken.

To LOVE our fellow Jew!
To show them LOVE !
To make each person feel like they matter!, Because they do ❣️

Children often times suffer the most
March 11, 2022 12:32 am

Amazing article that shines a light on the most invisible in divorced situations

# 613 here. Reach out to me.
March 11, 2022 12:48 am

First I want to address are there any decent shidduch offers out there. There are if only we’d give them a chance and date them once. I am sure Kalba Sabua didn’t think Rochels choice of shidduch with Akiva was decent . He was actually horrified. Yet Rochel chose to see something else. And Rochel interestingly enough proposed too. If a shidduch does come up give it a fighting chance. Thank the shadchan they atleast suggested to you. As far as how you feel treated re divorce I feel your pain. You spelled it out well. There needs to be… Read more »

you hit on another bad cliche we get
Reply to  # 613 here. Reach out to me.
March 12, 2022 8:46 pm

the way you say “if only we’d give them a chance and date them once.” please remember you are talking about women who have already had a failed marriage. There may be red flags we ignored while in shidduch process/dating/engaged. we do not want to make the same choices. We don’t want to “take what we can get” if it could end up in another abusive marriage. There may be many reasons why we say no to a shidduch. Sometimes it’s because people say “well you’re single and he’s single, it’s a shidduch” and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s… Read more »

Kindness
March 11, 2022 2:17 am

Sadly There is a lack of sensitivity ! Many people going through challenges -and though it’s hard they will deal with it in the best possible way and hope hashem will show them the light!
However, no one ever rejected kindness! A small kind gesture goes a long way ! Try it even if not sure -it is so easy and not expensive to show someone a touch of thoughtfulness (even Amazon can help with that) even if you are busy or have your challenges -reach out -I guarantee they won’t reject you for showing you care

Beautiful! Thank You
Reply to  Kindness
March 11, 2022 9:27 am

We need more people like you!!

Reality
March 11, 2022 3:01 am

BTW the tuition fees are the same as public school. The only difference is, the govt pays for it.

"we suffer quietly"
March 11, 2022 3:02 am

If you suffered publicly , would it make you feel better?

It's not about the publicity
Reply to  "we suffer quietly"
March 11, 2022 8:58 am

It’s about being supported and feeling valued.

If you’re not married, wealthy, or have the right last name in this community, you’re basically invisible.

So true
Reply to  It's not about the publicity
March 12, 2022 9:51 pm

Also don’t forget the baal teshuva’s and their children who are treated like second class citizens.

It’s still not the same
Reply to  So true
March 21, 2022 2:55 pm

I am a divorced baal teshuvah woman and I have never felt so “on the outside looking in” than I do now as a single mom. I do have people in my corner because of the circumstances of the divorce but I am still struggling with feeling so out of place. Much more so than I did as a baal teshuvah. I know everyone’s situations are different (which is part of what I’m saying) but I don’t think the two can be at all compared

is this a joke?
Reply to  "we suffer quietly"
March 12, 2022 8:47 pm

I’m hoping this is a rabble rouser’s idea of a joke and not remotely serious. If you are being serious, please seek help. compassion is free

To OP
March 11, 2022 3:03 am

OK we can solve this issue. My name is Nossy Drelich, and my number is 7069623222.
Give me a call and we’ll see what solutions we can work out.

mInyan linyan
March 11, 2022 3:44 am

Please for the love of moshiach explain how one gender is financially less capable, if the other isn’t allowed to go to college & instead learns smicha/shlichus/kvutza/kollel aka zero master degrees,that is typical for their better half’s , who now magically are supposed to earn more 🤷‍♂️🤔🤷‍♂️🤔

Very true
March 11, 2022 4:10 am

As the child of divorced parents who still struggles with past experiences from my youth and present experiences of un-belonging, it’s very difficult to function in this community.

It’s nice knowing that there are others out there going through the same things.

We were trained to keep quiet because divorce is something “shameful,” but maybe it’s time we stop being silent.

Thank you for writing this
March 11, 2022 4:45 am

Someone once told me to “suck it up” when it came to my own issues with divorce and my past. It was very hurtful.

Do not listen to those people.

Expressing your feelings is courageous and takes more strength than sucking it up.

Many in this community lack basic empathy and understanding, but there are those few of us who relate and understand.

You are not invisible to me.

So real
March 11, 2022 4:55 am

People who come from whole, “normal” families with a father and a mother don’t even know how privileged they are.

They have somewhere to go for Yom Tov, they have built-in support, they’re treated better in the community…

The only person I can rely on at this point is myself.

Really now ?
Reply to  So real
March 11, 2022 8:49 am

This is what you think that’s why it’s hard to bring you to our table . You think we have it made just because we are married . Yes we may be a mother and father but maybe that’s where it starts and ends !

So just imagine
Reply to  Really now ?
March 11, 2022 9:26 am

If you don’t have it made, how much more so for someone who doesn’t have your privilege.

I sympathize with your pain and loneliness
Reply to  So real
March 11, 2022 11:18 am

But people who have parents: are treated better in the community, for sure. But built in support and a table to go to, not really…. it appears that way but you’ll be very shocked. I’ve learned going through life – sometimes it’s really so not good that people would rather not have parents then have parents….( the people in the deep core of this community know what I’m referring to)

Going "NC" is a terrible trend!
Reply to  I sympathize with your pain and loneliness
March 11, 2022 3:29 pm

For those of you that have been told by “”a well meaning”” friend/ therapist that you have an abusive parent. I have news for you. Maybe that “good friend / therapist” has an agenda.

There are certain situations that do require creating boundaries. a good therapist/friend would support you in creating BOUNDARIES and not cutting off the person that gave you life.
Stop living in Victimhood mentality and understand that parents are human beings and are not perfect just like you are not perfect.

Yikes
Reply to  Going "NC" is a terrible trend!
March 11, 2022 3:57 pm

Clearly you have never been abused before.

Just because my parent gave me life doesn’t mean they have a right to treat me like garbage.

No one has that right.

Cutting an abusive parent out of your life is the healthy, right thing to do. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not a real friend.

No one has a right to abuse, let's end the cycle
Reply to  Yikes
March 13, 2022 3:18 pm

100% no one has the right to hurt another person. Not physically and not emotionally or any type of disrespect to another. If a parent abuses their child it is the most unnatural thing and is often caused by an illness, or that parent was abused and now repeating that same behavior. For those victims of abuse I feel your pain. It is not right and not acceptable. The issue is how does one heal and move on? Having family members that have gone through this, the best counselors are trauma informed and teach victims how to accept the past… Read more »

Replying...
Reply to  No one has a right to abuse, let's end the cycle
March 13, 2022 10:15 pm

“The child can teach the parent what behavior is acceptable….” it’s too late. Best path is Rather cut before it has a everlasting effect on the child and grandchildren G-d forbid. Be lucky that the children of abusive parents are not effected for life, that they can have the strength to turn the page, cut off, move on and not give it to their spouse or kids! Be very very lucky!

Replying
Reply to  No one has a right to abuse, let's end the cycle
March 13, 2022 11:23 pm

“The child can teach the parent what behavior is acceptable….” it’s too late. Best path is Rather cut before it has a everlasting effect on the child and grandchildren G-d forbid. Be lucky that the children of abusive parents are not effected for life, that they can have the strength to turn the page, cut off, move on and not give it to their spouse or kids! Be very very lucky!

In response from a former Crown Heights invisible
March 11, 2022 5:04 am

BH Having grown up with divorced parents who struggled without outside help and having been abused by my own father both physically and psychologically and having not known where to turn or who I can trust, I can personally say I relate to this article 💯 because it can seriously scar a person’s actual brain functioning and what they believe about themselves after having been through such atrocities and yes I struggled for all of my childhood and adolescence and early adulthood thinking I did not deserve better because I never had an example of a healthy relationship in my… Read more »

Amazing comment
Reply to  In response from a former Crown Heights invisible
March 11, 2022 9:19 am

Wish I knew you in real life, it’d be nice to meet someone with a similar background and the ability to empathize.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Here to help
March 11, 2022 5:04 am

If any divorced women in crown heights need free help with childcare or errands in the evening hours or on Sundays, please feel free to email:

[email protected]

Beautiful!
Reply to  Here to help
March 11, 2022 9:23 am

This is so kind.

You should be blessed with alle Berachois.

You are a true role model.

We need more people like you👏

Not from NY
March 11, 2022 6:21 am

Thank you for describing the pain many divorced woman experience. Sometimes, the father isn’t in the picture at all.

People are busy and everyone has their own stressors. However, It would be so nice to be invited out to a shabbos meal. Sometimes we are, but not often. I still don’t understand why.

Eruv
Reply to  Not from NY
March 11, 2022 11:34 am

A lot of people are divorced with young children and in CH, due to the lack of an eruv (yes I know one physically exists), you’re stuck at home. They might want to invite you but what’s the point?

Such an important topic
March 11, 2022 6:23 am

Are there any support groups for single mothers/children of divorce in this community?

Support Group Needed
Reply to  Such an important topic
March 11, 2022 9:21 am

A support group would be helpful as well as awareness on empathy, kindness and respect towards the divorce single parent.

I agree
Reply to  Support Group Needed
March 11, 2022 9:41 am

How should we go about creating one?

Sister to Sister
Reply to  Such an important topic
March 12, 2022 8:52 pm

is a religious organization for divorced women (with some special programs for single moms/kids). They have some free programs and some nice events. They can be a good sounding board as well

Please
March 11, 2022 7:14 am

I know so many divorced women they have a much better life then the married wife! They only have their kids 50 percent of the time! Which married women get a break for 2 weeks a month? Where they can go party go on vacation ? Divorce women get child support from their husband and not have to work! Divorce women party and many things married women can not! Divorced women are always invited out for shabbos. And so much more Divorced is by choice! You married that person you divorce that person & you can remarry someone else! The… Read more »

Just horrible
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 9:02 am

This comment is painful to read.

Please educate yourself, learn some empathy, practice kindness.

Stop Judging!!!
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 9:18 am

It is apparent that the above letter writer does not speak from personal experience. To say it is better to be divorced or that divorce is a choice someone makes is far from reality. Some very good women desperately try and save their marriage but do not have a spouse that is equally committed (or emotionally stable). Think before you speak. May one never know of the pain of rejection, dejection, isolation or being shamed. Let us empathize and show compassion and kindness to divorcees and their children. It is not a contagious malady. Can we think of ways to… Read more »

Reality check
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 10:35 am

I hope this comment is a Purim joke. Many husbands aren’t paying child support and we are worried each day how we will pay our daily expenses. We chose to marry this man who pretended to be a functional and kind human being but turned out to be an abusive Narcissist. Please educate yourself before posting hurtful and destructive comments

This is laughable
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 12:22 pm

I get 267 dollars a month child support for 2 kids. Does that mean I can quit my job?????

You must be joking
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 1:09 pm

How are you so utterly out of touch with reality???? The divorced women I know get zero child support (ex-husbands cleverly negotiated to be released from child support in exchange for agreeing to give the woman her gett, work off the books or don’t work or are in jail) and have their children 95%-100% of the time (due to ex-husbands having no interest in taking the kids). This creates a situation where the divorced moms have to fully support themselves and their children WHILE also being the sole caretakers of their children. Believe me, divorced women have no time, money,… Read more »

To please
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 1:44 pm

Your comment is so hurtful I don’t even know where to start. How about zero child support for more than a handful of kids? How about fathers never visiting? Or abandoning their kids physically and emotionally? Divorce is by choice? Marry someone else? I’m going to my room to cry from your comments ughhh

Horrible
Reply to  Please
March 11, 2022 2:04 pm

What nasty and horrible thing to say! First of all divorce isn’t always a choice! Sometimes u need do it to protect your children, your spouse can be abusive or obsessive and those are just 2 reasons there are many many more! We need to be sensitive to others, you have no idea what struggles they go threw! They may only have their kids 2 weeks a month but they are alone the other 2 weeks and on most cases they have off one day a week! Being a single parent is almost impossible, when children are younger and u… Read more »

oh my goodness
Reply to  Please
March 12, 2022 8:57 pm

I think this is the most laughably idiotic post I have ever read. Have you ever met a single mom/divorced woman? Because what you’re describing is just a weird fantasy. Also, only have your children part time means (best case scenario) missing them/missing special events with them and (at worst) being PETRIFIED that they will be emotionally/spiritually/physically harmed or neglected while they are out of your care. it means (in my case) having to ask permission of my abusive ex to change the visitation schedule slightly if I want to go on vacation/go away for shabbos with the kids. It… Read more »

Better
March 11, 2022 7:41 am

I feel like this would have been better without the animosity towards divorced men and fathers, many of whom haven’t done anything wrong, and are in very much the same situation as the author, sometimes with additional challenges too.

To better
Reply to  Better
March 11, 2022 1:46 pm

It’s very possible. The author is talking from her experience but men could be abused as well and need to get out of their marriages and deserve much support as well. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to men, this is Her experience and her perspective

Reach out
March 11, 2022 7:45 am

Any single family home… reach out to this amazing organization.
My extended family.
Mye

pain of divorce has wide reaching consequences
March 11, 2022 9:43 am

Kol ha kavod to the author for bringing this pain of suffering into the daylight for articulation. I have devoted the last ten years as a shalucha for the topic of shalom bayit and particularly for marriage education and especially for engaged and newly married couples to help mitigate against this incredible pain of divorce which reverberates into the homes, the schools, the work places – society in general with such far reaching consequences. May the author find nechama in her life and others who are in the same situation and may Hashem grant all in this situation menucha hanefesh… Read more »

Majority of the time it is the FATHER
March 11, 2022 10:03 am

That is “extremely unhealthy”Albeit there may be some exceptions.
That is why you can find many women divorcees who are very marriageable and only a few good men.
P S. B”H I am a happily married man with kids and unfortunately have witnessed and have first hand knowledge of quite a few divorces etc.

Fellow Single Mom
March 11, 2022 10:08 am

As a fellow single mom i hear this so much. Its so difficult shabbos and YT to be alone and yes i dont want people to think of me as a nebuch. While i hear the complaint about “what about the mend” or “some women cry but they are abusing their husbands” people are always willing to run a mile to help a single father and the roles are not equal there are many comments “oh wow look at that husband in the park/grocery store with his kids, hes such a good father” but when a mom does it thats… Read more »

There are fathers too
March 11, 2022 10:57 am

Even more so are the fathers who suffer Divorce is not one way And if there is any sympathy or support it always goes to the women Very rarely do people support the father and if there is anyone that this article should be about it is those fathers who are left with nothing because some narcissistic woman got everyones sympathy and now he is left with no family and nothing and no one cares So yes I feel bad for the woman but there is ZERO support or AWARENESS for the men and that is something that needs to… Read more »

How do you know who's the real narcissist
Reply to  There are fathers too
March 11, 2022 1:11 pm

There are covert narcissist men too who aside from abusing their kids, know how to make people feel bad for them and call their ex wife a narcissist and liar.

Nice about u
Reply to  There are fathers too
March 12, 2022 11:25 pm

Write your own article . This one isn’t about the men .. who statistically are unfortunately mostly at fault.

He who sees
March 11, 2022 11:06 am

Maybe you could start a support group for such people
You could make programs retreats maybe some shiduchim
Maybe some classes and special tools how to go about life
Some people have this struggle other people have other struggles
At the end of the day every minority feels alone
However if you make it out alright you will be a hero
Maybe that’s why you were created

1Oz of Prevention is worth more than 1Lb of cure
Reply to  He who sees
March 13, 2022 2:39 pm

Support groups need to be made, for sure But an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. Make the support groups, for those who are still holding on, in a difficult marriage, to support them, and prevent the devastation, caused by divorce. This article serves as a description of how miserable you will be, if you choose to get a divorce, and should serve as a Chizuk for people, to stick it out, make the effort, to cure their marriage the hard way, with therapy, rather than by taking the easy way out, by abandoning ship,… Read more »

Orphans
March 11, 2022 11:24 am

It’s amazing how she says that they don’t get attention like the orphans do in ch.
as a whole ch doesn’t care about us orphans.
So many times I was just another person that had tk go to avos ubanim and asked where my father was. This article is basically saying that you want tk be a sob story and trying to get attention as a victim. I learnt at a young age that no one really cares about you and it’s only in your hands to make of something.

I learned that too
Reply to  Orphans
March 11, 2022 11:47 am

But wouldn’t it be great if the children of today didn’t have to learn such a terrible lesson?

What if people like us, we who were ignored and invisible, helped the next generation feel loved and seen?

The writer of this article is not a sob story or an attention seeker. She’s bringing awareness to a very real issue, and it’s our job to listen and make a change.

Orphans
Reply to  Orphans
March 13, 2022 2:23 pm

I hope crown heights starts caring more about it’s orphans

My extended family- greatest gem out there
March 11, 2022 12:11 pm

I highly encourage you to be a part of my extended family! They do incredible things to make single family feel that they belong! They have a branch in ch. If anyone is looking to give tzedakah this is where your money should go!

MEF
Reply to  My extended family- greatest gem out there
March 11, 2022 1:50 pm

My extended family is till a certain age

Teen program in the making
Reply to  MEF
March 11, 2022 3:03 pm

As far as i know they are starting a teen program as well!

All about attitudes
March 11, 2022 12:47 pm

Ps This one feels rejected this one feels rejected and that one. Time to hang around the right people who are true friends and stop running to make friends with the famous ones etc….. learn the value that you are.

Waiting for a divorce
March 11, 2022 12:55 pm

I’m waiting and hoping for a divorce, what about all the men who are withholding the get and they live in peace and no one bothers them and they get away with it, is that fair? Something has to be done there as well.

❤❤❤
March 11, 2022 1:02 pm

So beautifully written.
Please ignore the ignorant, hateful comments and know that the silent majority has taken your words to heart. May Hashem bless you!!

Waiting for a divorce
March 11, 2022 1:52 pm

I feel your pain
Definitely!! Something has to be done
It’s avla to withhold a get once the marriage is basically over
People need to be held accountable for withholding gittin. No sympathy there

And divorced MEN?!
March 11, 2022 2:09 pm

Divorce is equally hard on divorced men as it is on divorced women. The effect of divorce is the issue, the gender is not the issue, Lest we forget.

and another one
Reply to  And divorced MEN?!
March 12, 2022 9:09 pm

the need of people to make these idiotic comments rather than just bringing up their own issues in their own times just highlights how much single moms and divorced are silenced. Also, before you post things that a patently untrue, please look up the PLETHORA of statics and information about single mother having a harder time than single dads or divorced men. Bye bye now

To be honest.
Reply to  and another one
March 22, 2022 8:18 am

The divorce crisis is really harder on the children if you ask me. I think every single person here commenting about how it’s so hard for the mother or it’s so hard for the father…. this one’s a narcissist that one’s a narcissist are really the problem in this whole situation. How about we stop looking for people to blame looking to statistics and trying to prove who has it worse when in reality the only real people that have it the worst when a parents get divorced is the children who are impacted by being forced to be separated… Read more »

Yitzchak
March 11, 2022 3:07 pm

No one should ever look down at, nor judge anyone unfavorably, just because they are divorced or just because they are a child from divorced parents. But not being judgemental, works both ways. Those who are divorced, or if they are children from divorced patents, they should also not be judgmental of others, who look at them in a certain way. Fact remains, that most of the time (with very few exceptions), both parents are usually very much at fault, in almost every divorce case, both parents needed much therapy, before they got divorced, and if they both availed themselves,… Read more »

Please
Reply to  Yitzchak
March 11, 2022 4:28 pm

If someone’s husband is abusing and threatening them please explain how she’s at fault? I wait patiently for your response

Yitzchak
Reply to  Please
March 13, 2022 2:24 pm

Divorced people, almost always like to “play the abuse card”, blame each other, but never themselves! When is the last time, you ever spoke to anyone who is divorced, who ever, blamed, themselves????? Never!!!!!!! If true, that only 1 party in a marriage, is ever at fault, then how come you can’t show me even 1 in a million, of any divorce case, where anyone ever admidts that they were the one at fault???? Everyone agrees that at least one party is at fault, inly each one argues that they are right and inly the other is wrong. I agree… Read more »

Please seek out help
Reply to  Yitzchak
March 14, 2022 2:35 pm

Your response is full of incorrect statistics/statements and out right lies. I’m not sure why survivors of abuse or women suffering post-divorce speaking out is triggering such an angry/false response from you. You have a golden opportunity to listen rather than try to yell over everyone and ignore their experiences. If you are unable to entertain that others may have experiences and feelings different than yours, please seek help. Good luck to you

Partial answer
Reply to  Please
March 13, 2022 3:59 pm

The word “abuse” gets thrown around way too easily these days When someone tells you they are being “abused”, ask what they mean in detail, and then try to find out from them the fuller story of what might be behind these behaviors that are being dismissed as “abusive” I can tell you (from experience, unfortunately) that you should not go by surface-level descriptions When police arrests criminals, they are not labeled ae abusive. They are working on stopping bad things from taking place. Inside the home, there is no “police” force, and it’s very easy to dismiss things as… Read more »

Yikes! This is literally the worst advice
Reply to  Partial answer
March 14, 2022 2:38 pm

When someone tells you they are being abused you don’t question/interrogate them to see if you agree. There are many forms I’d abuse, all of which cause immense physical, emotional, psychological damage on a person. If you “know from experience” because someone told you that you were being abusive, learn from it instead of being defensive. Best of luck on your self growth.

Clueless
Reply to  Yitzchak
March 12, 2022 8:52 pm

You seriously have no clue what you’re talking about. May you never understand

really?
Reply to  Yitzchak
March 12, 2022 9:11 pm

your idiotic post merits nothing more than 1) an eyeroll, 2) a deep sigh of pity, 3) a caution that those who lie create a place for themselves that they don’t want to go after 120.

A Bubby
March 12, 2022 5:10 pm

Of course single mom’s face hardships. Life is full of all sorts of hardships for all kinds of people. What does Tanya teach us all about facing hardships in life? It gives us all the spiritual tools we need to not see ourselves as victims, to not be wallowing in bitterness, jealousy, or depression, no matter what our life situation. It teaches us to accept all our difficulties and pain with joy, to focus on our havodah hanisayonot as a means to increase our awareness of Hashem in our lives and, to come closer to Him. We cannot change other… Read more »

A bubby
Reply to  A Bubby
March 13, 2022 2:20 pm

Doesn’t sound like the author is or feels like a ‘nebach’ or a victim, she’s actually strong in her Bitochon in Hashem and empowered in life’s lessons. Read it again

no it's not
Reply to  A bubby
March 20, 2022 7:32 pm

The author may be wrong or right about some statements, but this is not an example of Bitachon in Hashem. I’d imagine that even the author would have to admit as much.

Empty nesters
March 13, 2022 7:28 am

Please dont forget about us empty nesters/gray divorcees. My not soon enough to be ex is a lawyer who was able to move up in his career because he never had to lift a finger to help with the kids of house. He controlled all the finances. His lawyer is a psycho who deprives me of my rights to counsel. Twice shes lost me a lawyer by calling them up and spreading lies about me and threatening them if they represent me. Its truly disgusting yet i carry in and hope and pray.

Empty nesters
Reply to  Empty nesters
March 13, 2022 2:18 pm

Hashem Yaazor
Emes always end up showing up
Trust Hashem

This article is spot on 1000% correct
March 13, 2022 9:28 am

As correct as if the gender/status was switched

No 2 sufferings are similar & every pain is unique and deserving of its own thousand word essay

The divorced/we
the widowed/er
The singles
Abused
Alienated

Everyone has their unique experience and unique suffering and this article highlighted 1 and we have to alleviate this just as much as the others vs only this

potential job offer
March 13, 2022 9:34 am

if it is at least a small job on the side. reach out to Yakov Schacht on Linkdin.

SO SORRY for your pain!
March 13, 2022 9:05 pm

I’m sending you a virtual hug 🤗 May Hashem bless you & your family to be a complete family again very soon. Please share your simcha when it happens that we can congratulate you!Purim Sameach

Good intentions, but...
Reply to  SO SORRY for your pain!
March 14, 2022 6:58 am

the solution is not getting remarried. A husband does not fix anything. A complete family does not require two parents.

Hashem should instead bless this community to be more accepting, hold more space for families of all shapes and sizes, and learn to value women as they are, even without a man by their side.

Purim sameach.

Easy Divorce
March 14, 2022 5:15 pm

Another advantage of these articles is to reveal the difficulties involved after a divorce which will perhaps reduce the number of divorces. While plenty of divorces are justified, our society has projected divorce as an easier solution than actually working out relationship problems.

Embarrassed Bubby
March 15, 2022 12:45 pm

I was forced to accept a get (Daas Torah) after 40 years of marriage (32 ‘good’ years) because, my husband got a disease of old age, ‘flipped’, and blamed me, lashed out. (I see a lot of old(er) husbands’ secretly being mean to their wives, even when they don’t divorce/abandon them.) I am ashamed of myself for envying widows/friends my age who are ‘loved on’ and respected by ‘society’, while I’m an anomoly, embarrassed to visit my grandkids alone. My widowed friends are suffering, feel abandoned, bereft, and grief. They deserve all the solace and support they are given. But… Read more »

You can envy widows but...
Reply to  Embarrassed Bubby
March 20, 2022 9:34 pm

You at least had 32 ‘good’ years…. my mother had only 21 months (now a widow) and me 10 months (an orphan). It always looks greener on the other side but instead of envying other persons situation try to make a habit to count your blessings that Hashem has given you and will continue to give you till 120 years…

What gives anyone the right to minimalize
March 17, 2022 7:43 pm

What gives anyone the right to minimalize, judge, or invalidate another’s experience? Each individual’s pain is just that….the individual’s. To compare their experience to an unrelated one indicates ignorance.

This was me many years ago
March 18, 2022 11:59 am

If only an article like this could have been written many years ago when I was in that situation. Oh, how I knew how it was. Feeling shut out of so many things. Being offered a 65-year-old man when I was in my 30s. People asking me if they could adopt my kids so they could be raised in a two-parent home. Living in an apartment where if I asked the landlord to fix something, he would threaten to throw me and my kids out in the street. Feeling like a beggar when it came to tuition or camp fees.… Read more »

This was me
Reply to  This was me many years ago
March 21, 2022 10:59 pm

💔 hope it brought you some comfort even to read it now

To family is divorced all over
March 21, 2022 10:58 pm

Hearing you 💗💔

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