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Monday, 22 Tishri, 5780
  |  October 21, 2019

We All Know Someone

Op-Ed: With all these nice and dandy articles, we still have a 'Shidduch Crisis.' Therefore, I would like to present to you a simple solution, one that you might have heard of countless times... Full Article

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Laaniyas Dayti
Guest
Laaniyas Dayti

So simple. Too good to be true. Anyway it is a hashkafa crisis not a shidduch crisis. And G-d cannot be th fault. Rabbenu Gershom – maybe. The emotivity on display a few days ago about a kallah and makeup – just another view on the hashkafa crisis. Hardly anyone could accept that there may be girls who are confident enough in their natural looks. Almost everyone felt that a kallah needs not-even-skin-deep enhancements. For herself. Or – Maybe for… A girl who needs makeup tp look good may also need x number of clothes in y styles. Oh, and… Read more »

Oh yes!!
Guest
Oh yes!!

I have made a Shidduch with someone I dated and a friend, wedding is happening some time soon!
Its a great feeling!

If only life were that simple
Guest
If only life were that simple
Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

I agree that everyone needs to try and suggest shidduchim but there is more to it than that. Singles are often their own worst enemies. Everything that they do goes on facebook and if they are dating someone they are not discreet, therefore inviting everyone’s ridicule of who they are dating. The dating scene itself has become more boyfriend-girlfriend than shidduch dating. Most singles don’t have a mashpia and wait until a crisis occurs before looking for one. They often don’t know what they really want or what they are looking for. People are maturing later in our circles. The… Read more »

To #4
Guest
To #4

Beautifully written
Perfectly true

good intentions are not enough! Hamaase hu ha'ikar!
Guest
good intentions are not enough! Hamaase hu ha'ikar!

The problem is all the girls are enthusiastic about finding shidduchim for their friends at the time of their engagement and their promises don’t end about matching up their friends to their chosson’s friends. Sadly, right after the weddings, all the promises are forgotten. Very few are truly committed and caring enough to give up a little time to match up friends.

hashkafa of the parents as well!
Guest
hashkafa of the parents as well!
Why don't people check their facts
Guest
Why don't people check their facts

Do a quick Google search on the words “sex ratio” to find out what the ratio is between boys and girls. besides for a few African war torn countries, every country listed has more boys than girls.

Check it out on wiki at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_sex_ratio

Let the blame game begin all over again :)
Guest
Let the blame game begin all over again :)
Life Coach for singles
Guest
Life Coach for singles

The crisis is the term “Shidduch Crisis” in every newspaper and website. What the author said is caring and may work for many people. HOWEVER, the fact has to be acknowledged that something has to change. All the well-meaning writers rehash the old ideas and suggestions with every good intention but not obviously not meeting with great success. Or boys blame girls and vice versa. Parents, shadchanim… It’s not about blame. it’s about a reality, to which no solution can be explored until the problem is identified.

to mothers of boys:
Guest
to mothers of boys:

the crisis is happening becasue you are not letting your boys go out with our girls! i know too many mothers who “decided” for their sons that “its not a match.” they decided!
when a certain name has come to the girl, 13 times, yes the same name THIRTEEN TIMES from 13 different people, WHY is the mother of the boy still saying NO!?!?!?!?

shall I name the motherswho will not let their son go out with a perfectly respectible suggestion? i can if you want.

To #1
Guest
To #1

Disagree with you, primarily on one point “Too good to be true.” How did it work in times not too fargone? And who knows the girls and bochrim better – the shadchanim who barely know them or the brothers and sisters/husbands and wives who are their friends? It’s worked many times and I agree with the poster that if people just took an extra few minutes, or took such ideas seriously, we’d have more shidduchim. That doesn’t solve either the Shidduch Crisis or Hashkafa Crisis, but it sure does help.

Anecdotal evidence does not necessarily constitute fact.
Guest
Anecdotal evidence does not necessarily constitute fact.

Please let’s keep that in mind.

#11 obviosly someone close to you was turned down (sounds like your daughter) that is one story. How many girls turn down boys for no good reason? I was turned down by a girl a few years ago and I still don’t know why, so there you go. You know what, I’m now happily married B”H.

Listen a Bas Kol goes out before you are born that says Bas Ploni Liploni, it’s all set out for you, you just need to find it.

duh!
Guest
duh!

ive been doing this for a while its very simple and b”h mendy from montgomery street is happy whith chaya from carrol street.

nuu
Guest
nuu

so suggest some good chassidish boys?

Laaniyas Dayti
Guest
Laaniyas Dayti

#13 [and #8] “Bas Ployni to…” That was before Rabbenu Gershom and there were often more than 1 or even 2 Bas ploynis. [Death at childbirth covered the statistical imbalance for centuries…An extremely high proportion of men remarried…] #12 If there is a Hashkafa Crisis (it’s no “IF” – there is, not only in our circles) then all the friends and the king’s men cannot put this “humpty-dumpty” together.. It’s too simplistic to say that no-one is making the appropriate suggestions – so let’s fix that. The wheels are stuck in the mud – expecting a bypasser to give directions… Read more »

NUMBER ONE#
Guest
NUMBER ONE#

There’s no reason to call someone stupid ,
at least this person is doing something and means well,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT??????????????

done it
Guest
done it

The writer is spot on. Most parents will listen to someone who knows both the girl and the boy and can present a good enough argument as to why this boy should go out with this girl. If you present a potential Shidduch with enthusiasm you will usually get a good response. Most of us are acquainted with at least one bochur and girl that we think well of. The challenge is to find someone for them that we also know and try to put them together. You would be surprised at how not difficult it can be if you… Read more »

Suggest some good Chassidish boys?
Guest
Suggest some good Chassidish boys?

Is that what it’s all about? And what if the boys are not so Chassidish, but behave like menschen, are respectful, and by some quirk of nature, prefer a job not related to Shlichus, or learning in a kollel? Not good enough? It cuts both ways….the chemistry mix has got to be appealing. For some, it’s appearances, for others it’s a certain Chassidish standard, not withstanding that even the term Chassidish is objective…e.g. how long is a piece of string? So, dear ladies, tell me…would you suggest that in order to be classified as proper Chassidish a young man might… Read more »

i want
Guest
i want

a good mentchlich boy who dresses in white shirt and black hat. can have a job or shlichus, whatever is his passion i will follow. taller than 5’9″ ( i am 5’7″) he should daven with a minyan want to raise chassidishe children, be open minded about secular subject like computer science.
does this exist?

parent in the shiduchim parsha
Guest
parent in the shiduchim parsha

It is REFRESHING to get a phone call from friends and relatives who do it because they CARE! It puts the name on top of the lists..

To #16
Guest
To #16

Amazing points, #16. Especially this one (I know you repeated it, probably by mistake, but it’s worth repeating again):
“Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulfs Chabad today – well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological (and/or political) agenda?”

To #16
Guest
To #16

That was an incredibly long Drasha. I have just one question for you since you are a fan of all the Poskim you mention – please post where in any Rishon or Achron does it say that Bas Ploni Liploni was cancled out?

To #20
Guest
To #20

Seriously, why does hight matter more then his passion in life?

Do you not have a passion of your own that you will simply follow his?

Thank you
Guest
Thank you

I just sat down and put together a list, as you advised. Thank you for the inspiration. It irritates me that all these clowns are so quick to sprout their ‘wisdom’ but seem so reluctant to actually act…

To #19
Guest
To #19

That is absoloutely disgusting!!! You are praising the earlier generation for not caring about any attributes in their wives except that they could give a child once a year!! io dont know about u, but if i was married to someone who just used me as a tool for children i’d be pretty unhappy. girls want credit for their personality, looks, and in general for what makes them different from someone else? when a girl asks their spouse what they find in her when they wanted to get married, do you think she wants hiim to say, “see in you?… Read more »

Laaniyas Dayti
Guest
Laaniyas Dayti

# 23. It is clearly stated in Shulchan Aruch Chelek Hey.

The term “cancelled out” is your own term – coined in haste in reading.

It is simple: How many names did the Malach call out for Yaakov Ovinu?

Laaniyas Dayti
Guest
Laaniyas Dayti

# 17 You are obviously not familiar with the president who was elected on the motto: “It’s the economy, stupid.”

But the tone of your letter indicates why you particularly would have taken offense.

Oh. BTW. What have I done about shidduchim? You seem so confident that I haven’t. Hmmm… I have probably done considerably more than the years you have been in Olam Hazeh. And I never take money.

very much appreciated
Guest
very much appreciated

I agree very strongly with this article… if people can please figure out amoungst themselves (family, friends, etc) a shidduch, whether you know or dont the person that is interested in marriage, you just met the person, or even just HEARD about the person, we could all solve this crisis together! Please?!?!

Thank you #25 for doubling the initiation effort...
Guest
Thank you #25 for doubling the initiation effort...

I just have a hard time sitting down for even 5 minutes! I envy you…

To 20
Guest
To 20

Ys it exist but I can’t wrought any names here

to 24
Guest
to 24

i was raised that a woman should support her husband wherever his parnasa takes them. having passions of my own, while imprtant, are not more important than his parnasa.
who said height is more important than his job?
but to me i want someone taller. (not asking for any other physical requirement- ontly height)
that a problem?

CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP
Guest
CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP

I REALLY LIKE THE SUGGESTION THAT EVERYONE WORK ON SHIDDUCHIM. I WOULD ADD TO THAT RECIPE,THAT EVERYONE ALSO GO BACK AND REREAD THE REBBES LETTERS ON SHIDDUCHIM. WE HAVE FOUND THAT WORKING IN GROUPS HAS BEEN VERY SUCESSFUL. WE DAVEN FOR EACH OTHERS CHILDREN, WE LEARN THE REBBES LETERS TOGETHER, WE ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER IN TAKING ON RUCHNIUS, WE PRIVATELY PASS NAMES TO EACH OTHER AND CELEBRATE TOGETHER. THE 5TH OF 7 CHANSUNAHS WAS WED. EVENING.

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

To #11, I do feel for you. Before my daughters were married, we went through similar frustrations. My daughters also did their fair share of rejecting boys as well. At this point, my single children are boys. Sometimes the same name will come up several times as different shadchanim will try the names that they have on their list. It is not always the mother who decides but sometimes the bocher itself objects to something so the mother does not want to push him to consider it. Sometimes it is the mother who decides because in our circles, much of… Read more »

another idea, based on something in the article:
Guest
another idea, based on something in the article:

Every time a girl or a boy goes out with someone that is not for them, they immeidately sit down and think of three people who may be shayich. When they call the Shadchan to tell them why it won’t work, they should suggest these three names. I think that will go a long way. Even if you personally don’t like that person, you may know someone who might tolerate/like what you are not attracted to. Obviously if the person is an unmitigated jerk, don’t pass him or her on…

It's sad but true..... most parents are looking out for themselves...
Guest
It's sad but true..... most parents are looking out for themselves...

Once they find their “geze” “yichus name-brand” match, they will pride themselves with their cell phones in hand showing that they are busy with life and are on top of the world and “fooyee to you” attitude, and “mir kenish fageenenzech” for another fellow lubavitcher, with an attitude of: “I found mine and I am happy and proud, hope you don’t find yours and life is difficult” attitude…… Boruch Hashem there’s a lone site called CHABADMATCH.com, but let me tell you… it’s the tip of the iceberg for finding a shidduch for your son or daughter… In such a huge… Read more »

to 31
Guest
to 31

can you email me?
[email protected]

to #20 and all
Guest
to #20 and all

It seems that now days it’s all about the looks. I have a friend with a full grown beard but, behaves like a shaygits in some ways, and the one that may touch his beard, goes to shul, says the whole tehilem, but, he seems to have a harder time finding a shiduch. If you put it all down on paper the latter would outweigh him by far.

To #27 (and #16)
Guest
To #27 (and #16)

Shulchan Aruch Chelek Hey is comon sense. Is it comon sense to just cancel what the Gemoro says because YOU don’t understand how that fits with Chairem D’Rabainu Gersom?
Does Hashem not know about Rabainu Gershom C”V?
Or maybe because of the Cherem Hashem does not run the world anymore C”V?

Please think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Thank you

Thanks...
Guest
Thanks...

it was worth writing…i just sat down with my bro in law and he told me about his single friends and i matched them with my single friends…even if one shidduch comes out of this…its worth it!

to 4
Guest
to 4

i know some1 who needs a boy! lets meet

Thank you,
Guest
Thank you,

Wonderfully written; clear, concise and to the point. On a side note, don’t ya wish people would spend more time IMPLEMENTING some of the good advice and occasional pearls of wisdom found here on this forum and much less time and focus ARGUING over highly insignificant semantics???…. I mean come on people – GROW UP! if every single person guilty of commenting on this Op-Ed would have actually tried what was suggested, that would be @ least 35 potential shidduchim in the making… DO SOMETHING! MAKE A DIFFERENCE! STOP ARGUING ABOUT NONSENSE! turn off your computer NOW and go make… Read more »

To The Author,
Guest
To The Author,

Thank You, Thank You for your simple solution and yes, IT IS a simple solution (# 3 – see #2 if your finding it hard to believe). what you write makes perfect sense and is the OBVIOUS solution. If only more people in Lubavicth possessed the “caring heart” you speak of this crisis could easily have been avoided. If only they would show the same care and compassion as the author displays in writing this article, this crisis could finally be thwarted. Thank you for saying it as it is and not wasting our time or insulting our intelligence with… Read more »

If you at first you don't succeed......
Guest
If you at first you don't succeed......

Bottom Line… Keep Trying Hard to find that shidduch till you find it…… to some people it comes in a snap — to others it might take a dozen or more times. PS: Anyone have a 23-26 yr old bchur- simple, aidel, learned, round-face, approx 5’6 to 5’10, who has good sense of humour…. emphasis on simple aidel, no yichus names necessary…….. haha………… email me: [email protected]

to 44
Guest
to 44

does his face have to be perfectly round? because I know a guy whose face is roundish but more to the oval side.

To the Twenty Something year old Shadchan...
Guest
To the Twenty Something year old Shadchan...

Wow! What an amazing article! I couldn’t have said it better myself. In the zchus of you trying to help single people, may Hashem send along your bashert and help you continue making more matches for all your friends. Keep up the great work

To #36
Guest
To #36

Many shluchim have made shidduchim. I am going to an ufrauf tomorrow I”Y”H” of such a match. Also the networking done by those communities affiliated with the Chicago group, often has shluchim involved.
Don’t waste time; get involved or start a networking group in your community. I am involved with mine. Plenty of non-geshe Lubavitchers get married. Just look at the recent pictures on COLlive.

to 44
Guest
to 44

thats funny! my brother just told me about someone who meets all your standards!

chassidishe but chubby
Guest
chassidishe but chubby

soo who cares if she is a bit chubby who carres she na be cute n funny chassidishe frum all y doess she have to be size 2 GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a good chassidishe boy should not koch on her looks look @ he type of person she is!

What about 2nd time around
Guest
What about 2nd time around

Spare a thought for those that for ever reason have to do it again (or would like to do it again) what kind of problams they have to go through

great article
Guest
great article

by the way, who are the people in the picture on top of the article? anyone know? im just curious.
I’m also curious to know if any shidduchim are actually happening between all the commentors on these articles….

Question?
Guest
Question?

When does something change from a “problem” to a “crisis”?

Now before you attack me, I’m only asking a question

Get to know a girl, don't be so quick to reject
Guest
Get to know a girl, don't be so quick to reject

Nearly every time I go out, it takes only 1 or 2 times for the boy to say ‘it’s not for me’. I’m findind more and more that boys need to ‘feel it’ right away or else they just dump it. No giving chances, and way too quick to judge. One can not nearly get to know someone unless they actually TRY and give it TIME

to 52
Guest
to 52

There have always remained people who were single long after their age mates were married. Sometimes it was due to life’s circumstances. Today people are taking longer to find their basherte on average than people did 10 years ago or even more recently. It is becoming less common to marry the first one that someone is set up with, less common to commit in a short period of time, and less common to agree to meet within a short period of looking for a shidduch. In short, people are spending more time and effort to do what they used to… Read more »

great article, take it a bit farther
Guest
great article, take it a bit farther

when singles/ young marrieds/ brother/ sisters etc…think of a great shidduch they do not always know what to do with the information. Not everyone is comfortable acting as a shadchan!! # 1 it takes hrs, days, weeks and in many cases lot’s of couseling and encouragement to follow through as a shadchan ( by the way they are worth every $$ you pay them). PLEASE if you don’t have the time or knowhow Don’t drop the idea pass the suggestion on to a shadchan you know and if they are not able to take it on try another shadchan BUT… Read more »

to #52
Guest
to #52

i guess when it affects the entire population, or so, as opposed to affecting a certain area – i dont know, thats my opinion – i have to admit that i was a little saddened by your last comment. 🙁 even though its 1000% true…..

ine
Guest
ine

can a site be made where ppl are able to list a basic profile of someone (nameless), and if the reader is interested, plase email them at such-and such e-mail address.

impressed!
Guest
impressed!

out of fifty something comments, you barely see ppl talking about “the size 2”..
what happened?

You hit the jackpot
Guest
You hit the jackpot

Exactly how it was done by our grandparents.

Boy Girl ratio myth
Guest
Boy Girl ratio myth

Its a myth that there are more girls than boys. Actually most populations have more boys than girls OF THE SAME AGE. The reason it seems that there are more girls is because of the 3- 4 year age difference of the shiduchim. The reason why it seems there are more girls than boys basickly it boils down to the fact that because the frum community is growing every year (there are more grade 1’s than grade 4’s in all frum schools) it follows there are more 19-20 year old girls than 23-25 year old boys. Therefore the source of… Read more »

sorry my email is
Guest
sorry my email is

[email protected]

a wonderful idea is to set up anon. email addresses where we can exchange info. on a public forum like this.

To 58 and 60
Guest
To 58 and 60

58, I don’t know how many bochrim and their mothers ever really insisted on a size 2. I do know that most bochrim today view thin as attractive and excess weight as unattractive, just as the secular world views it.
60, the problem is that many boys leave the derech or become modern, while girls often come home from sem, very inspired. While the cure for the numbers descrepency is to marry older girls to younger boys, it is often the girls who refuse to meet a younger and therefore possibly less mature boy.

To #54 and #56
Guest
To #54 and #56

It’s #52 here, I don’t think either of you answered my question. When you say that it effects more people, do you know that as a fact from statistics?
#56 what other coment did I make that is sad but true?

To the Chicago Shidduch Group #33
Guest
To the Chicago Shidduch Group #33

You people have an agenda- some good, and some, well really an agenda. The fact that you wrote in all caps was like being shouted at, which you people are famous for. The Rebbe gave many directives to follow in all areas of life, including shidduchim and marriage. If people don’t follow your formula, you refuse to help, and are nasty about it.

Response to #62
Guest
Response to #62

You make a good point. As a mother of boys in shidduchim now, I prefer to look at girls at least one year post seminary, to get a better feel for their “post seminary” level of chassidishket. Truth is, boys and girls- the longer they are out of yeshiva, the less inspired and strict they become. You see that in ALL the basements of Corwn Heights (and Kingston Avenue too!)

To #52 who is now #63 from #54
Guest
To #52 who is now #63 from #54

I don’t have any real statistics but log onto the bocherlist and girlslist on lubavitchsingles.com. It shows the approximate ages of the single population. We can imagine that if the desired age of marriage for women is 20 to 22 and the desired age for men is 23 to 25, then anyone older than that must have been looking for awhile. Even a woman of 22 or a man of 25 may have been looking for over a year. I have asked numerous people of the older generation, who grandchildren are now getting married and most (but not all) feel… Read more »

To 63
Guest
To 63

I hosted a Chicago speaker in my home and also attended the Chicago shidduch conference in January of 09. Their agenda is basically that more ruchnius is needed today to affect a change in the mazel of shidduchim which from a spiritual approach, makes plenty of sense. They advise both the single and their parents to make a hachlata b’ruchnius as well as to help those who are getting married with their preparations and likewise being involved with shidduchim. They feel that just throwing names around will not result in a shidduch. They also are primarily focused on helping the… Read more »

Shluchim
Guest
Shluchim

To the person who posted that this is the responsibility of the Shluchim: how on earth did this become the Shluchim’s problem (more than their share as members of Anash of course)?? It seems that everything that goes wrong is the fault of the Shluchim: Schools in crisis, Shluchim; Shidduch crisis, Shluchim; C.H. politics, Shluchim! Are you suggesting that C.H. and other Lubavitch communities have no leadership of their own? You may of course be alluding to the proverb “If you want something done ask a busy person” – if you want success ask those who are most successful at… Read more »

to 11
Guest
to 11

i stopt reading all the comments after reading nr 11, so maybe someone replied to her already. i (older single girl) met a boy after he had refused to go out with me for a number of years. we met, he didn’t like me and we stopt after 3 dates. i remained in that city for a few weeks to go out with others. every shadchan/ta i spoke to…told me he and i would make a great match. i told them all: he’s not interested. after some time i got a call: the boy knows you’re still in town, he’s… Read more »

68 right on!!
Guest
68 right on!!

exactly!! how? what? when? shluchim are definitly ready and happy to help…but have a community to deal with…

to 69- thank you
Guest
to 69- thank you

thanks for sharing.
it is still hard becasue i feel just let the boy and the girl try it for themsleves- but these few boys won’t even try.
but i see it may not have the outcome we want.

Mother of Boys
Guest
Mother of Boys

Throughout the years of marrying off children, I have also seen my share of girls who give up after one or two dates as well as girls who can date for weeks but can’t commit. While boys may be more inclined to give up early and “serial date” (go out with every girl available), because males in general are less patient, girls do it as well. I have also seen what 69 describes, 2 people who basically like one another but can’t build a life together.

go 69!!!
Guest
go 69!!!

I’m a girl who just turned down a boy… h but you know what, when its not right, it s not right! It’s not about being picky… it’s about a CONNECTION ( am i allowed to say chemistry?!) And just bc one party has ‘feelings’ doesn’t mean you have to get married – marriage is not one sided! So if anyone wants to hear the goss – it happens to be that this guy is REALLY not my bashert – during the dating he kept it real chassidish….. after I said no he’s sms’d me about 4 times, facebooked me… Read more »

Thank You
Guest
Thank You

Thank you for the encouragement. I B”H married off 3 of my children and I can honestly say, beleive it or not, I ENJOYED the challenge of making their shidduchim. Now, with a small break I am trying to help others, putting together shidduchim just at least to go out. I feel somewhat incompetent, I am not a Shaddchan, however each time that I mention a name to someone B”H I have received Thank Yous. I so wish to actually make a shidduch. In the meantime, I appreciate the encouragement to TRY.

to 8
Guest
to 8

yOU DONT HAVE TO GO PROVING ANYTHING TO US WE KNOW THAT THERE ARE MORE BOYS THAN GIRLS.

they aren't in it for the $
Guest
they aren't in it for the $

actually if shadchan’s were only in the business to make money there would be much less of a problem with finding a partner b/c the shadchan would be much more interested in causing a marriage if there motivation was being paid. The other thing I blame for this so called shidduch “crises” is th refusal to accept baal teshuvahs into the dating system. Right now as a bochur I am looking for a wife. there are those claiming they care and are looking for me but they are simply waiting around for a female bt to show up on their… Read more »

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