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Unwritten Rules of Dating

SOS Shidduchim: A married man shares a few rules for dating based on things he personally experienced on shidduch dates. Full Story

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to #43
February 29, 2012 11:37 pm

#43 said “…BTW in the alte heim in the shtetel, everyone knew everyone, boys, girls included, don’t kid yourself. All this ultra separation shtick in a new invention.”

There was much more innocence back then. It’s different now.

CM in CH
February 29, 2012 10:40 am

For those that have to use a shadchan to say no… Are you really so immature that you can’t handle it yourself? As the author said, if you can’t have a mature conversation, then what are you doing dating much less married?

Don't tell someone you dated the person they are engaged to...
February 28, 2012 7:27 pm

Definitely! …And the same goes for someone who is married! My husband and I got married in our forties B”H. We had been married for a few years and were at a certain shabbos table when a single woman exclaimed very loudly, to my husband – in a coy tone: “OH!!!! I know who YOU are!!!!!! Do YOU remember ME?!” I was horrified. Later, my husband told me he had been set up on a shidduch date with her via an acquaintance and had been very disappointed in the suggestion and didn’t ask the woman out for a second date.… Read more »

WHO'S THE SECOND OPINION
February 28, 2012 11:27 am

ON NOT TELLING YOUR SPOUSE?
+ I’D LIKE TO GET RECORDINGS OF THEM SAYING THIS…

to 55
February 27, 2012 5:51 pm

your point is valid but that does not negate what 54 has said. Some individuals need time to decide and feel comfortable with their choice, and cannot accomplish this in 4 dates. There’s nothing wrong with going out 10 times..or more if needed to make a decision. and that does not mean that someone is looking for romance such as in the novels..etc. If I remember correctly, the Rebbe did not limit the amount of dates, on the contrary, one shall date for as much time as s/he needs to come to a decision. Usually the girls are the ones… Read more »

Manis Friedman
February 26, 2012 3:45 pm

says NEVER to say no to someones face. thats what a shadchan is for

#54
February 26, 2012 3:43 pm

As the Rebbe told Chan Sharfstein in Yechidus(see Tishrei N’shei newsletter) Love is an emotion that increases in strength throughout life. It is sharing and caring and respcting one another. The love u feel as a young bride and groom is only the beginning of real love.It is through small everyday acts of living that love flourishesand grows. so going out more and more won’t necessarily accomplish this. Once you decide that this bochur or girl has the qualities u want to base your home and and that u admire u r ready and if u can”t commit then going… Read more »

a 20 yr old bochur
February 26, 2012 11:11 am

noticed a comment about a “new shtick” of 18 dates.. i cant seem to understand what the issue is? isnt this a once in a lifetime choice? shouldnt parents and shadchanim be backing off once the boy starts deciding this may be the right one. so what if you go on 18 dates if your not sure it’s way worse to rush into marriage! could these extra dates really hurt?! and on the other hand couldnt these extra dates really help and save someone from a HUGE mistake!! even if you want to say that after 5 or 6 proper… Read more »

bothered by #3
February 26, 2012 3:38 am

you seriously want the girl to tell you to your face why she is not interested in you? how does that work? just picturing this conversation… it will lead to places you do not want to get to(especially that you will not be getting married after all) and is really awkward!!!

seriously asking please give your opinion
February 26, 2012 3:36 am

if a couple dates 4-5 or even more times but this is all going through the shadchan, is it necessary for the girl to be the one to do the closure? just to clarify.. they have not exchanged phone numbers yet!

thanks for sharing
February 26, 2012 2:57 am

well said!

to#45
February 26, 2012 2:28 am

usually the boy travels to meet the girl
never heard the other way!!

lol
February 26, 2012 12:18 am

now they are written

Good Points
February 25, 2012 11:41 pm

Well written article, some good points.

Just to put in my votes, I’m with the author on #3, a person after so many hours of sharing so much of herself and her feeling has the right to closure. It will also make the next time you run into each other less awkward.

BTW in the alte heim in the shtetel, everyone knew everyone, boys, girls included, don’t kid yourself. All this ultra separation shtick in a new invention.

To 28
February 25, 2012 9:53 pm

Amerike iz nit andersh.

-Sara

# 17
February 24, 2012 3:38 pm

unfortunately alot of guys out there have comitting issues and should not date till they r ready to make a commitment and not lead anybody on

fare
February 24, 2012 3:31 pm

Also if the girl & her family had to pay towards the fare of the boy…

Well if travel fare is a problem for the boy??? What about for the girl? I don’t see what that should have. The boy or his family could/should help

Closure
February 24, 2012 3:00 pm

All of the points are common sense and people who don’t agree with number three are insensitive.

Amerika iz nisht andresh
February 24, 2012 1:44 pm

NUMBER #36… “the rule about not exchanging phone numbers doest seem to make “SENSE”………I will try to say this as nicely as possible ..or at least try… Rabbi Heller shlita Hoirois…. dont make sense anymore????!!!!! Since when do Yidden Chassidhe Yidden Lubavitcher Chassidim….became capable of making that kind of remark!!!This is whats wrong with this entire generation…No respect for rabbonim…{because they fight … moischisten not etc..its not for anyone to say they dont deserve respect or not!!!!!! where is Bittul…???what is it our business…with the politics etc… Rabonimare not there to win popularity contests… We plain people at least myself…… Read more »

must disagree with point #3
February 24, 2012 1:36 pm

I am sorry but I have a different opinion than most of you. If you have dated more than 3 times this does not mean that it is going well. It simply means that you are willing to continue dating because you see potential. Now, if you are not sure where this is leading WHY SHOULD YOU BE IN CONTACT DIRECTLY? keep the shadchan in between- until both of u are on the same page and ready to go forward. I definitely understand that there are feelings of another person and you must be sensitive. but there are other ways… Read more »

from a different angle
February 24, 2012 1:25 pm

NOt only should the single (who has dated a friend’s spouse) not speak… but what about the new couple?
Once you are married, do not discuss with your spouse all the people you have dated, especially if they are friendly with your spouse. It becomes obvious and is very yentish and immature.

Please learn from my mother
February 24, 2012 1:02 pm

To #8 My mother always taught me ‘if you have nothing good to say, SAY NOTHING.’ Having just recently passed yud Shavat and learnt the maamar (it is also in Tanya), take a lesson that not saying anything is a big expression of iskafya and it will bring you great revelations from above. Concerning what you actually said ‘this only applies to those who hold steadfast to our Rabbonim and tradition’ there are many rabbonim in Lubavitch and I presume that they don’t all agree in the topic of whether it is appropriate or not to swap phone numbers. Is… Read more »

to number 8
February 24, 2012 12:41 pm

To whoever posted comment number 8 – you are so self righteous. The so called ‘chabad lite’ might be more of a mentsh than you are – and I can tell that you may be lacking in that department from the way you wrote your response.

Info
February 24, 2012 12:34 pm

can anyone tell me where I can get Rabbi Manis Friedmans cd’s on dating?

Mutual Friend
February 24, 2012 11:54 am

Nice article.
I want to add something to point number 4, If you dated someone and that person got engaged to a friend of yours, not only should you not tell the new Chasson (as the author rightfully pointed out( don’t tell your mutual friends either!

Excllent...but
February 24, 2012 11:41 am

Well written, well expressed….but
TO # 8:
With all due respect to you, the rule about not exchanging phone numbers doesn’t seem to make sense anymore.

you SHOULD be blogging!
February 24, 2012 11:19 am

i don’t know who you are and unfortunately for me, you are already married, lol….but don’t sell yourself short. you are completely right about everything and seem to have your head on straight. these are simple common sense topics and what’s so amazing about this is …that it needs to be said. it’s not ingrained in all of us. what does this say about us as a community of ‘chassidim”…pious, holy etc that chassidim should be? re point number 3 that everyone seems to feel is important to comment on: i have witnessed many of my friends being ‘rejected’ after… Read more »

GOOD ON YOU
February 24, 2012 10:55 am

SHORT AND TO THE POINT!

good oped
February 24, 2012 10:09 am

more plz on this topic -from this author!!

Mother of Eight
February 24, 2012 9:42 am

Well said!

What about the people that don't know the "rule" about not telling
February 24, 2012 9:39 am

something about someone before they go out,unless they are specifically asked? Like if that person was ever in a mental hospital,is seeing a therapist or has a serious medical condition?The attitude ,especially among baal teshuvah’s meshpiim is that we are all grouped together in some sort of “defective” classification,and it all just will somehow work itself out.

to number 8
February 24, 2012 9:35 am

thanks for bringing rabbi hellers opinion!

(although in my opinion, there was no need to bash other people together with that…)

myopinion
February 24, 2012 9:34 am

If everything up until that point went through the shadchan, then point 3 is unimportant.

Amerika iz nisht andresh
February 24, 2012 9:10 am

As almost everyone has commented how Nice ! Great ! etc..
I want number 8 to know YOU HIT IT RIGHT ON THE MARK!!!!
Who made the author of this article a Daeh Zoger???What is right what is wrong?Harav Heller Shlita is a most highly respected Rov….
one last note… how right you are regarding Chabad Lite.aza och in vey!!!

not telling your spouse who you dated?
February 24, 2012 8:47 am

I am not sure about this one. it only leaves him/her wondering if there is still any feelings there. it could make for embarrasing episodes – we are a tight knit small community. i am not suggesting you tell while still only engaged, nor is it necessary within 72 hours of slipping on the ring. But why keep secrets? I think this is a secret, and generally speaking, secrets should not be kept from a spouse.

to #8b
February 24, 2012 8:18 am

b”h

it dsnt have to be the boy telling the girl, he/she could ask a third to pass the meassege personally and not trough the shadchan. its much nicer and it shows that u really care and not just blow them away. u could even call the mother/father of the boy/girl

Sorry number 8.
February 24, 2012 7:58 am

I totally disagree with you.
I really thing its a good idea for them to be in touch with each other if they have been dating for more than 3 times and be decent about the whole thing.
Also if the girl & her family had to pay towards the fare of the boy they would think twice before taking a chance of just asking a boy to come over to any place whatsoever.

Text MSG
February 24, 2012 6:56 am

People use shaddchens, ditch them after two dates because they like the person, then 2 months later they call up the shadchen saying the person is not for me….thanks. And then they feel bad so they send a txt MSG we are just not right for each other……

nice article
February 24, 2012 5:53 am

and so right!

older single

Nice
February 24, 2012 5:43 am

Many true points… but was written by an amature. and I dont agree with everything

Incredible!
February 24, 2012 5:42 am
Very nice
February 24, 2012 3:45 am

Well done.

Amazing Article!!!
February 24, 2012 3:32 am

Thanx for sending in this article. I really agree with it all.Especially point number 3 which was applicable in our case here.
Wish the other person reads this article too.
Well written.

VERY NICE
February 24, 2012 3:27 am

well said.

What about the latest craze??
February 24, 2012 3:09 am

guys dating 10 – 18 or more times and then taking time to decide that this is not what they want????

good points
February 24, 2012 2:40 am

Just one more. Take a deep breath before you go on any date and relax. It never hurts and almost always helps. A real breath not a short pause to gather yourself but breath in and out deeply

Well Said
February 24, 2012 2:01 am

Finally a article worth reading

Very well written
February 24, 2012 1:16 am

You make very mature and important points.

Rule Number 3
February 24, 2012 1:16 am

I am a HUGE supporter of rule number 3. Respect the other person enough to just tell the him that you don’t think that you two are right for each other. The people you’re dating have probably trusted you with many personal details of their lives and they deserve closure.

well said!
February 24, 2012 1:08 am
finally
February 24, 2012 12:59 am

a positive, constructive and common sense shiduchim op ed

Brilliant
February 24, 2012 12:45 am
thanks
February 24, 2012 12:44 am

short and to the point w/out pointing any fingers

To the author
February 24, 2012 12:32 am

While your advice seems “logical”, have you consulted with a Rov regarding the suggestions you are posing here? Regarding your point #3, I have once asked Rav Heller Shlita, who said that if you don’t want to continue dating, always have the SHADCHAN notify the other party, regardless of how long you have been dating for. Furthermore, he said that the entire dating process should be through a Shadchan, and NEVER directly between the parties. The guy/girl should not, at any time, exchange phone numbers. (Of course, this only applies to those who hold steadfast to our Rabbonim and tradition.… Read more »

Well said!!
February 24, 2012 12:31 am

Thanks for sharing

Amen
February 24, 2012 12:22 am

= Be a mentch & have common sense. Unfortunately, common sense is not so common.

Absolutely 100% Right
February 24, 2012 12:18 am

Thanks for bringing up this most important point which is
essential for the benefit of all .

Just Facts - No Reasoning "Mr. Know It All"
February 24, 2012 12:16 am

Well, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion…

Besides for the things you mentioned that can be harmful to others, don’t just state commandments because that’s what YOU feel is right, let everyone make their own decisions.

Very well said!
February 24, 2012 12:12 am

If more people would follow this advice, there would be less hurt in the shidduch process. It is unfortunate that some people take the liberty to nix the shidduch of another on superficial grounds. As it is, it’s a challenge to finally get a boy and girl to meet, but then you have the well meaning friend advising that “you could do better”. Says who? Do you have a guaranty that this person will meet another who he/she will connect to as well? Before you nix a shidduch for another – think! It is a big responsibility – maybe this… Read more »

100% TRUE!
February 24, 2012 12:11 am

I couldn’t agree with you more!!

nicely said!
February 24, 2012 12:05 am
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