Wednesday, 12 Tishri, 5781
  |  September 30, 2020


Two Sides to the Shidduch

Anonymous op-ed: I would like to describe a pretty common scenario: A Crown Heights family is not interested in a certain girl for a shidduch because, in their words "Her, for my son? From that family? Where are they from?! I don't even know where to find it on a map. Don't you know who my grandfather was? Full Story

92 Year-Old Sings

Next Story »

Bankers Receive Talmudic Tips

Notify of
newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Design a plan!! 😊
January 25, 2017 3:17 pm

Develop a system!! Organize!
The matchmakers should be brand themselves😂

Matchmakers for the ROYALS-

matchmakers for the normal YID

Matchmakers for new/avant guarde/ artsy/

May 27, 2016 5:50 pm

I don’t know who wrote the article, but usually when people say that they are not interested, they don’t want to say the REAL reason, so as not to offend or hurt the other side. They will easily say it’s not shayach bc “they live too far away”, bc they don’t want to say the REAL reason (that they heard not good things about the person, their personality, has issues, or whatever!) NOBODY would say “no” to someone just bc they live far away on shlichus!!

NOT for love!
March 9, 2016 10:38 am

You use your brain to choose who to meet. You date to see if you’re compatible in goals and personality. You marry – and then fall in love.

August 23, 2015 1:55 am

I am a shlucha myself. All I have to add is that no matter who is suggested to you, to respond with respect, not arrogance. We ALL have flaws. NO family is perfect! If we all would have true ahavas yisroel, and bittul, then many more shidduchim would be made. Nobody should think that their family is BETTER then another due to yichus, shlichus, money, etc. Hashem gives money, Hashem puts you in a shlichus place, and puts you into a certain family. I’m sure if you treat every shidduch suggestion with true ahavas yisroel, and mentchlechkeit, then you will… Read more »

Wake up call
June 28, 2015 4:07 pm

In my opinion you should just make sure that young women and men are able To get married. Instead of arguing make sure you have think tank that looks into this problem And helps the jewish community solve this problem. if not, alot of jews assimilate and marry non- jews and it is already happening everywhere. Think tanks of christians are waiting to get there hands on our precious children. wake up, please!!!

so shocked
December 7, 2014 4:49 am

Would’ve never known Shluchis matters in Shidduchim if anything on Shluchus your Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit are rock solid. It’s ingrained since you’re a child and attempted to be shaken by those we’re try to mekarev. Life is never about us and always what more can i do for them and how much more i can get a loan for another event or farbrengening with the kids at night. Shluchus is a different mentality but not the way you would see it. It’s the fight to keep Yiddishkeit alive with the rebbe’s brachos and miracles from Hashem. It’s strange to me… Read more »

your yichus is unimpressive
November 19, 2014 9:32 am

turning down a shidduch because you think you are special b/c of your yichus? your yichus doesn’t mean anything if you act like a peasant.

your yichus is unimpressive
November 18, 2014 10:20 pm

no one cares about your yichus if you haven’t accomplished anything yourself. That’s very nice that your grandparents and great grandparents were big chassidim but what do you have to show for yourself? Turning down a shidduch b/c someone’s yichus isn’t good enough only means you are shallow minded and arrogant. The following is a post I saw online. If marriages were always held to your so called shpitz standards there wouldn’t be any yidden around today… Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn’t he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols?… Read more »

All of Us Struggle as Parents!!!
October 28, 2014 8:53 pm

Sorry people I don’t care how successful your Chabad House is or how many years you have lived in Crown Heights ALL of us have struggles as parents. How many of us have children off the derech. Even SHLUCHIM have kids that are FAR from perfect. You know why??? Because HASHEM runs the show. We can try as hard as we can to be the producer, director, writer and set designer but in the end Hashem has the final say on what happens. I personally know of many shluchim who struggle with their kids–and it has NOTHING to do with… Read more »

on shllichus + Yichus
August 18, 2014 12:38 am

So true!!!
I am on shlichus (and mind you, I have yichus too).
SO many times people turn us down, because she is an out of towner! Hey I am an out of towner because, THIS is what the Rebbe wants!
This gets me so frustated, what don’t people get. If anything , I should be turning them down, because they are from CH and didnt grow up on shlichus.
as a side point, I do notice how shluchim kids do react differently to things (in a good way)

January 26, 2014 10:25 am

The shidduch crises is because to much information

January 20, 2014 9:31 am

I must say how importan tthis is to find the erlichkeit and the chasidishkeit in shidduchim once again. This is one of the makorim in our community. We just do it with an emeseh brent. Its ok if you want yichus, but just do it with decency. Sometimes there are different styles, maybe families don’t fit together, there are cultural differences. But all with an eidelkeit.

July 4, 2013 10:35 pm

I have never heard of this issue and am involved in the dating scene as a shadchan…I think the issue must be something else. Shluchim are not regarded as “who are they anyway”, BT’s or children and grandchildren of BT’s are regarded as such on many occasions, and you, apparently are not.

And your comment about not having Mesiras Nefesh because we live in Crown Heights is offensive and unnecessary.

May 12, 2013 3:09 pm

I know yichus is important, and is better to marry somebody of ur “type” but honestly, ppl take it way too far. ur liniege dosent count if u don’t live up to it

Where are the Good Shadchanim?
March 28, 2013 5:19 pm

Shadchanim think they are qualified, and more qualified than a person’s family. They tend to be know it alls, and think they know better. The problem does not lie in those looking for Yichus. Shadchanim, the problem lies in you. Do you listen to the potential shidduch, or do you assume because you have more experience, that whatever they say or feel has no relevance? Do you listen to the family closely or do you try to fit a square peg in a round hole? I find most Shidduchim should stay with introductions and leave the rest to trusted experts.… Read more »

what i hate
January 4, 2013 3:02 pm

i hate when ppl judge by the family. let the girl\boy have a chance to show what they can be. it is not the family he\she is marrying. it’s the person!!

To #47
December 19, 2012 10:19 am

If you don’t like CH, move out. You are not living in CH for the parks, are you? You’re living there because religious life is easy, yachasit. Every place has its problems. But the problems that you described are not nearly as serious as those of the shluchim, and it is not mesirus nefesh. Most people are not living in CH for the religious life. They live there because of NY welfare assistance, because they have a community, friends, because there are lots of schools to choose from, in laws and parents to help and go to for Shabbat, lots… Read more »

December 19, 2012 10:12 am

There are parents who, consciously or unconsciously, sabotage their children’s shidduchim. Like my mother tried to do to us (we got married without her help, she refused to acknowledge it for a whole year), and I am afraid she will do to my sister.

Parents need to not be in control of their children’s shidduchim in some cases, if not many cases. A trusted mashpia/school principal, who cares about the young person in question, should do the job instead.

Anash Shidduchim
December 12, 2012 4:46 am

Are you looking for a shidduch? Do you know someone that is? Focus on building a Jewish home with your soul mate. If you are interested, please send a current shidduch profile, a picture and a contact number to [email protected]

Mesiras Nefesh??
October 17, 2012 12:58 am

People in Crown Heights live with Mesiras nefesh every day. A rundown housing infrastructure, no grass or parks that are safe to play in, ticket-happy cops victimizing people who have no place to park their cars, high crime rate and a lack of support from the police and other city departments, the high bloodpressure pace of life in overcrowded, rundown New York city….

Im a 20 yr bochur
July 31, 2012 10:44 pm

Mymay thing in a girl is whos she is and represents i dont care about her family back track yichus beauty is from with in she has to be herself no connection to her grand parents

What about the 'out of town issue' in general
July 25, 2012 4:52 am

Ever tried calling a shadchan about your beautiful, telented daughter, middos tovos, etc ,the lot, to be told, ‘when she comes into town then call me’
Guess what ?she has a life and doesnt want to join about another thousand hopeful girls,hanging out in miserable basements in CrownHeights. Why is there this attitude that Crown Heights is the centre of the world ? Why wont the boys travel, or meet up half way? Surely if she were just sitting around doing nothing it would not say very much about her. people need to broaden their horrizons.

My theory is this:
July 24, 2012 2:19 pm

I don’t want anybody who doesn’t respect or value myself, my children, my family.
People who are biased who only want to date biased people, will marry biased people. Where is the blessing in that?
People who are superficial will marry people who are also superficial…where is the blessing in that?
Be grateful that they are turning you down, it could be the greatest blessing of your life!

March 14, 2012 10:46 am

To all those people who say that BT people do not “mesh” with FFB people because of how they grew up etc that is very judgemental and no wonder we have the problems we do. Who are you to judge how BT bring up thier children and what ideas they instill in them from thier past. I am a BT and I have 3 children who are first generation FFB and I would just like to tell you that I in no way and nor does my husband who is also BT bring up our pasts with our children and… Read more »

My two cents
February 19, 2012 8:01 pm

Just to bring some balance to the discussion:
With yesterday dow, you don’ t bake today!
Moreover, talking about yichus: Today’s BT are Rebbe-made: The yichus is not that bad after all.
My last point is the true yichus is in the hands of those who keep taharat hamishpacha without any compromise: Whether you label yourself FFB or BT, remember that taharat hamishpacha is the enduring yichus for our next generations.
And no survey was published on that one.

What to look for...
January 11, 2012 10:48 am

The real yichuss is to be a real mentch!

To #5,
October 24, 2011 9:44 pm

That is the best explanation that I have ever heard

Our great grandfather was Lavan
July 12, 2011 6:47 pm

If you think that your grandfather was holy, remember that your great … great grandfather was Lavan HaAramy. 12% of your (and my) genes come from Lavan. So, being a little more humble will not hurt you.

chip-less shoulders
July 4, 2011 12:22 am

I’ve learned that when it comes to shidduchim, whatever reason is given for ‘no’ is not really the reason. It just is not bashert. As far as yichus, every one has yichus- even Rus the Moavite had yichus-even Osnas, wife of Yosef and mother of two shvotim had yichus. Mathamaticaly, the probability of any Jew to be descended from Rashi or the Maharal or Ezra or Dovid Hamelech is quite high. For a ger, it’s also quite likely that he has Jewish ancestry. An older chassid that I know claims that the Rebbe gave him extra warm brochos when two… Read more »

shluchijms kids
June 9, 2011 9:16 am

shluchims kids are very often the best ones — they have mesirus nefesh and appreciate mitzvos!

mesiras nefesh FFB m. to BT from NY
May 30, 2011 12:47 am

In my generation, before it was in style to go on shlichus, my parents went on shlichus. When it came to shidduchim, because I came from outside of NY I was considered a lesser person, even though we certainly had far more nisyonos and mesiras nefesh than anyone east of the Hudson River. But no worries, “we just don’t have anyone for you” was the response I got from shadchanim. As an FFB I married a BT. We are no longer married. The divide was great. G-d’s plan, but hard to understand how it is so.

to the other side of story, #5
May 25, 2011 1:45 am

well said!

February 10, 2011 10:22 pm

I agree with a couple of ppl here: You do seem to have veered off in a couple of directions so I am not 100% sure what your point was…? First off: I do not think it is appropriate for you to be putting down people who live in crown heights. The peoples of Crown Heights are not rejecting you. A family/ies who happen to live in Crown Heights, are/is rejecting you. Second: Why would you be interested in someone who thinks they are better than you? And Third: I never knew there was a problem with girls and boys… Read more »

To 17 and 26
January 18, 2011 9:14 am

Please stop knocking parents! The Torah world is full of people like you! Torah blogs,newspapers and magazines are full of Rabbanim,therapists and others wagging their fingers at parents and blaming them for all their children’s problems. We parents are human beings too! And everyone is alarmed about the shidduch crisis! Has anyone considered that a reason for the existence of so many older singles might be because people are being turned off by the prospect of parenthood?? They hear all this parent bashing and think “If this is what is in store for me as a parent then I’m better… Read more »

yichus or shlichus
December 12, 2010 10:13 am

The author is bringing up 2 different points that in reality have nothing to do with each other. There are very little people thay won’t take kids that grew up on shlichus, I think on the contrary: people on shlichus have an easier time as they can huarantee their children with a shlichus oppertunity.
But it seems from the article that the author is a baal teshuva living on shlichus, muy request: please don’t mix up the facts,,.

September 20, 2010 1:21 pm

I thought ppl get married bc they love each other

girl from a yichus family
August 21, 2010 6:42 pm

Every time I look at a baal tshuva I feel humbled!
To give up all that u grew up with, be different than ur famiy and friends, let go of ur whole life stile for tora and mitzvos, thats REAL MESIRAS NEFESH – they are the ones who really feel and live yidishkeit,
would u also give up EVERYTHING that ur used to?
BAalei thsuva are the ones with real yichus

Shidduch crisis
August 17, 2010 2:09 am

Is there really a shidduch crisis? Or is the situation just that B”H this generation is much larger and more diverse than ever before? Would a BT really want to marry their child into a geshe family which would not want their child married from their family? There are plenty of astounding BT families with beautiful chassidishe mishpochas out there. I should know. Somehow Hashem decided to bless us with one of these heilige mishpochas for mechutanim, ka’h. The only problem I have with the whole thing is when people feel that they are “settling” or “compromising” with a shidduch… Read more »

Thats how it is,
June 13, 2010 2:37 pm

Unfortunately. What I dont get is why people are so anxious to get their kids hitched to people from families who look down on them. Move on.

Otherwise, youre saying you prefer such a family, and if you do, why shouldnt they?

disapointed in Geshe situation
May 5, 2010 9:28 am

All i can say is that after over 20 years of being frum through Lubavitch it is upsetting to find that it is OK to mekarev our family but not to marry our daughters no matter how amazing they are.

Dear Parents,
November 26, 2009 1:13 pm

Did you prepare your son or daughter for marriage? Did you teach your son or daughter how to acquire Midos Tovos? Did you raise your son or daughter with self-esteem and confidence? Did you show your son or daughter a happy and thriving marriage Al Pi Taharas HaKodesh, so that they could emulate it when they get married? Did you teach your son or daughter the beauty of having a family? Did you talk to them and explain to them how to cope with life’s ups and downs? Did you show them how Ahavas Yisroel begins in the home and… Read more »

heard it all shadchan
October 29, 2009 6:06 pm

ive enjoyed reading all these comments and have had a good laugh or two not at anyone but with you all. there are too many problems to name why we have a shidduch crisis but the moment you all have had enough of it, it will go away. decide once and for all that you will only follow the way of the rebbe and it will be good. we all know that when we follow the correct path we are successful. i see it over and over again. a good start is don’t talk amongst yourselves, but on the same… Read more »

oh whats a title
October 26, 2009 12:52 pm

I have a few Russian friends and two have of them have extreme yichus names like the real deal
People in lubavitch would be running for them but can you believe it their father is not Jewish at all
Yichus is nothing, nada.

In addition, what about shluchim hogging things for themselves when two people cannot marry each other because their parents want them to be by them on shlichus and will never take anybody else to come to their town

I dont get it
October 26, 2009 8:29 am

if someone doesent want to get married to shluchim-because they are shluchim, why on earth would someone want to get near them (al achas kama vikama ask for mercy that they should reconsider, as in this article)

Stay away from those who tout Yichus
October 23, 2009 11:50 am

Middos is what you live with every day and determines whether the marriage is heaven or the opposite. And yes, middos will still be if beauty, money and all other externals are gone. My children have all the Yichus mentioned in the article–all including real mesiras nefesh–plus yichus going back to the Rama. I am seeking shidduchim for some of my children and if I hear of anyone touting their Yichus I would run from such arrogance–and I’d be glad that they exposed their ego in time for me to run. When my first got married I told of our… Read more »

A good start
October 21, 2009 4:02 pm

yes a good start but it’s more than that The shadchanim help push this bs & they’re only interested in doing something if it puffs up there ego. I am a divorced Man no children & shadchanim have lied to me refused to help me for many yrs already & they all come up with phony excuses all Haipach Ahavas Yisroel, Haipach the Ratzon of the Rebbe etc.It’s time to wake up to reality You are the direct cause of myself & others to not fulfill or have the opportunity to be mekayem certain Mitzvos such as Pru Uravu etc.!!!!!!!!!!!!

Concerned therapist
October 14, 2009 7:38 am

As a therapist I have seen various sides to this story. I recently worked with a woman who complained that she had to settle with a shidduch for her child that was not quite what she wanted. The family wore different kinds of head covering to what she wanted and she had Yichus. Now a few years later, her child is happily married to the “shidduch with the wrong head covering” Did the covering cover her hair completely, yes 100%. Did she have other faults. At present they cant complain, but the mother still required therapy as it distressed her… Read more »

From a 19 year old boy
October 5, 2009 10:19 am

People these days are really stuck up and are in a BIG BIG BUBBLE. Your not supposed to find yichus or any other thing exept if hes a NICE and GOOD PERSON! Money comes and goes. Yichus Doesnt help you 1 bit if the kid is crazy. Looks doesnt help either. So what telling alllll Of u is that you should try to find a good girl or boy. Doesnt matter if he knows the entire jitas but some1 whose going to be there and treat and take care of his or her partner .

didn't anyone see that email about Avrohom Avinu?
September 11, 2009 5:26 am

Would you marry Avrohom Avinu, his father was an Idol Worshiper and who was his mother? What about Yitzchok, who’s grandfather was an Idol worshiper. What about Yaakov, who’s grandfather was Lovon and Brother was Esav… Yoseph was sold into slavery by HIs brothers. Try Moshe Rabeinu, there was marital seperation between his parents. etc……Bottom Line….every family has issues…

September 7, 2009 5:07 pm

Of mommy being over protecive and controlling and ruining her son’s or daughter’s life.

Boys and (specially) girls, don’t let your parents go at it alone, specially if you are already past your 5th shidduch, they may be giving you a raw deal.

Parents mean best, but can really play against you.

Maybe its hashgocha Protis
September 4, 2009 7:06 pm

Why would you want someone for your child who all they have is what their grandfather did, maybe you should find someone who truely lives a life of mesiros nefesh as you are.

September 3, 2009 8:18 pm

well i am from crown heights and i hear that shluchim
only want shluchim
but t.o.d. anyways

who has better yichus?
September 2, 2009 10:16 am

yaakov or eisav?

just do it!
November 2, 2008 4:38 am

how about we make a party similar to the tu b’av of old and let everyone pick their own!

November 1, 2008 10:31 pm

Honestly, so many people are fed up with the whole FFB mentality thinking they are better than eveyone else. There are plenty of amzaing BT families with great kids.
A shidduch should be about the boy and the girl, not what city in Russia they came from.

November 1, 2008 10:30 pm

I have lots of relatives on shlichus and happen to know that most of their kids (you cant generalize people and say all) are really amazing chasidish kids, and it would be a total shame for them to be overlooked for the best shiduchim just because they went to a day school. the chinuch they got at home is far better than most of CH’s homes. I can tell you that much.
I hope people dont make the mistake of judging in this way.

November 1, 2008 7:43 pm

The fire and passion that a Baal Tshuva has for religion is something we should all strive for. Its clear to me from reading this page that we all need to open our eyes a little wider and get a new perspective on our lives like our fellow Baal Tshuvahs. From a girl who is FFB and looking for her basheret too- I’m always more pleased to hear that he’s a BT or been on the ‘other side of the tracks’ as apposed to being from CH b/c that means he saw what was out there and decided against it!… Read more »

fed up!!!
November 1, 2008 2:34 pm

sorry guys, I happen to know who wrote this article and we’re NOT talking about a bt or a bbt but someone with frum parents grandparents and greatparents etc, who grew up in a far away place on shlichus!
signed: author’s sister

What's so great about yichus?
October 31, 2008 12:04 pm

First of all the Rebbe did take the responsibility of the shlucims’ children. He stated so publicly at a farbrengen many years ago. Secondly, there are many children in main cities with a big Lubavitcher kehila (CH, Montreal, LA, etc.) with so called yichus who also are not 100% in thier actions. As to marrying BT. That is a person’s choice. I can understand first generation BT to a FFB may cause some problems but there are many second & third generation BT kids that are as good or better than FFB kids. Also if you go back to the… Read more »

soo soo true
October 31, 2008 1:00 am

i mean, why are people so closed minded sometimes?? is that what the torah teaches us? isn’t every jew your brother and equal?

To the auther.
October 30, 2008 5:24 pm

First i want to commend you on bringing up a really tough issue. what you say is entirely true. But i feel that you veered off into 2 different rants. on the one hand you are complaining about those who look for only Yichus. Which is irrelevant to whether they are on shlichus or not.(with Mesirus Nefesh!) b/c this issue is more of a problem between BTs and FFBs. The Shlichus issue is anouther problem all together where the girl/boy isn’t chasidish/religious enough due to the open environment they live in and the things they are exposed too. we all… Read more »

The other side of the story
October 30, 2008 5:07 pm

As with every complex issue you have simplified the problem. It is not the living in some faraway place that is the problem, (although for a minority of parents it is because they do not want to, or they cannot travel and wish to visit their children often). The main problem here is when parents from yichusdicke families reject an offer of a girl or boy whose parents are Baalei Teshuvah. So call a spade a spade, it is not the location that makes the difference, if both families have a good background whether it is from Russia, Poland or… Read more »

To 3
October 30, 2008 3:53 pm

That is really not nice. Stop labeling people…

what are you talking about???
October 30, 2008 3:51 pm

Some baal teshuva families just don’t “get it”

frustrated mom
October 30, 2008 3:45 pm

As a mother in this same situation, but with a son, I can tell you that the same problem exists both ways, wih girl’s parents turning down good boys as well.

October 30, 2008 2:52 pm

Finally someone is addressing this issue! Well said. There are so many people that turn down shiduchim based on the yichus of the girl or boy, rather than their own merits. Who are you marrying – the girl/boy or grandfather? In the end, its middos that count.