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Sunday, 14 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 19, 2019

    To My Shidduch-Focused Parents

    From the COLlive inbox: "Dear parents, I'm getting so tired and dragged down by the judgment that comes from shidduch dating." Full Story

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    Time to grow up
    Guest
    Time to grow up

    Time to start taking care of your own dating life.

    Well said
    Guest
    Well said

    “Why isn’t she married?”

    “What’s wrong with her”

    Parents also need to listen
    Guest
    Parents also need to listen

    Good gezugt.
    Thanks for sharing
    A parent 🙂

    Slow Clap
    Guest
    Slow Clap

    Clap. Clap. Clap.

    Well put! Another note, marriage doesn’t equal happiness. We are able to be happy and fulfilled in life while single…

    You go!!
    Guest
    You go!!

    Perfectly worded.
    Anyone who sticks their nose in your business, give it right back to them, and say keep out.

    Beautiful
    Guest
    Beautiful

    Vey mature letter.

    Parents
    Guest
    Parents

    Are doing what they know how to do best— parent! They are parenting with love! Child has a point here but put yourself in the parents painful heart! They may recognize that their daughter is accomplished and happy in her life but want to do their hishtadlus in the next chapter..
    Hatzlocha to the daughter and parents to find a happy medium so each have space and continue building their relationship! Blood is thicker than water!

    Btw
    Guest
    Btw

    Torah says completeness is marriage so yes you may be happy and accomplished but you are not completely fulfilled. There is something more….and deeper!!!

    to #4
    Guest
    to #4

    Number one: Its a mitzva to get married and have children
    number 2: Whats real happiness with out a family and children??

     You Said It
    Guest
    You Said It

    Brought out this point perfectly!
    May Hashem send you the right one easily very soon.

    On your side
    Guest
    On your side

    I truly empathize with you, as a person who dated for 12 years before finding my spouse. You are in the midst of a real challenge. The one paragraph I would’ve liked to see in the article is, “I have spoken more than once (or speak regularly) with a mature shidduch mashpia/coach/therapist/whoever who agrees with me that my ‘short wish list’ of qualities for a husband is reasonable and practical and that I don’t seem to be overly picky.” If you have a personal guide for the shidduch parsha (not a mashpia who’s two years older than you and a… Read more »

    As a single
    Guest
    As a single

    I can relate too well

    To #4You can be happy in many situations...
    Guest
    To #4You can be happy in many situations...

    But we don’t pray for them and we wish and pray for the situation to change. Whether it’s being single, divorced, sick, disabled, poor, or whatever.

    A person can be happy and very happy in any of those situations, but we pray and do whatever we can not to be in them.

    Life is not black or white, it’s more complicated and nuanced than that.

    you sound like a smart girl
    Guest
    you sound like a smart girl

    lets say I have a brother or son who might be a very good match for you , smart, open to shlichus or business, hate Timbucktu, would like to live in NY or anywhere with a nice Chabad community.
    How do I get you??
    How about you write here your two initials, and leave with Adei AD administration the two initials & your phone number, or if u have a better idea its just fine.

    Dont be ashamed do it, im very interested to find out about you. Sincereley A.B.C.

    Very true
    Guest
    Very true

    Dont let your parents push you into marriage.

    They will thank you later in life.
    They are typical herd mentality type of people.
    Marriage is not a prison, being forced and
    Coerced into it , is not what the rebbe
    Or torah wants from you. Stay strong
    Your on the right track. The right one will
    Come in the right time. I wish you the best of luck.

    Haim
    Guest
    Haim

    Why don’t you put a note in igross then you’ll know if it’s for u or not?

    Kiddo
    Guest
    Kiddo

    You are clearly extremely picky. Also your probably around twenty so your opinion doesnג€™t really matter. You are still young and inexperienced with life. And would you really rather remain single than live in a third world country? Of course not! The very fact that you felt the need to vent about your parents on a public forum rather than directly confronting them only serves as proof that your judgement abilities are inadequate (thus explaining why you might have been set up with interesting fellows). Finally, try to understand your parents perspective on this situation: having a grown daughter living… Read more »

    A parent's perspective
    Guest
    A parent's perspective

    I absolutely agree with the writer. I too felt I should push a little harder, but then I thought… leave him/her alone. I have seen too many kids browbeaten into marriages that were a disaster because mom & dad pushed & the poor child didn’t have the strength to argue any more. It sounds crazy, but it happens. My suggestion is you tell them, face to face, exactly what you wrote. Then tell them you will bypass them permanently the next time they refuse to take no for an answer. I backed off from pushing my opinions onto my children…in… Read more »

    The new parenting hotline
    Guest
    The new parenting hotline

    or a good and experienced mentor, sounds like a worthwhile step here.
    it’s very important and commendable that you realize and stated that your parent means well!

    looking objectively, from outside of both you and your parents
    Guest
    looking objectively, from outside of both you and your parents

    All 3 examples you gave could have been avoided if your parents had done more homework. Its not their fault; they were probably given wrong information. They were probably told that the Timbuktu didn’t want shlichus at all. It has happened to me as a parent and I feel guilty for not double, treble and quadruple checking. But you need to tell your parents very, very, very specifically what you seek in a spouse and what you are prepared to give up on for the right one. They in turn have to mamash make a police investigation. Then on the… Read more »

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Some letters that are printed here, should not be. I appreciate this one so I can think about what to say and not to say to my own kids in this situation. Thank you for sharing

    Schoyach to you!
    Guest
    Schoyach to you!

    Hatzlacha Rabba with the right one, in the right time & in the right place. According to Torah the mitzvah to marry is on the man. Intense pressure to do so if one is not ready is unhealthy.

    total agreement
    Guest
    total agreement

    Yes! to some, height is an issue! doesn’t make it wrong to turn someone down for that!! and yes, Shlichus at the other end of the world, does not always work for all of us! Of course there are certain things that we have to give on, but equally there are certain things that we do NOT have to give on! Respect us as capable, responsible, able, regular human beings who can and will iyh make our decision when were ready to, and when we’ve found him! Thank you for all your help and concern, but . . . In… Read more »

    Listen to your inner voice
    Guest
    Listen to your inner voice

    You know best. Listen to your inner voice and disregard well meaning advice from others.

    # 1
    Guest
    # 1

    Your point although ever so well made is the root cause of ALL problems
    Allow adult children to make dating arrangements
    Tell adult settled single guys that it is alright to invite a girl out on a date and educate adult girls that accepting a date is not wrong
    Gasps of horror do I hear
    Ever so responsible advice however

    Well written
    Guest
    Well written

    She only has to live with him for the rest of her life,she doesn’t sound picky,sounds very sensible.

    Nice article
    Guest
    Nice article

    Point to ponder, the flip side of your parents not being worried for you, is you fetching for your own…..

    as a mother
    Guest
    as a mother

    please dont be so hard on ur parents. they want the best for u! they feel ur sadness and pain and are hurting for u[ or for all the older girls and boys who want desperately to start a family]. thank u.

    Dear parents, please respect your daughter's feelings,
    Guest
    Dear parents, please respect your daughter's feelings,

    Besuras Tovos to all!

    Beautifully written!!!
    Guest
    Beautifully written!!!

    Respectfully and clearly explained. Good luck in finding the right one, with clarity and a happy heart

    !!!!
    Guest
    !!!!

    reading this made my heart start beating fast….
    i ddnt know that someone out there could b having exact same problems as i am…
    i am with u on this..enjoy your life single …i hope your parents will read this and understand …
    and i hope that in the right time you will find the one n live a very happy life together …
    thank u for writing this whoever u may be

    BH you have a Jewish mother
    Guest
    BH you have a Jewish mother

    That’s what they do, its practically their gd given mission to nudge endlessly. Be grateful that you got a good package along with all the frustration that comes with it. And stand up for yourself so that one day you too will have the zchus of nudging your own daughter!:)

    Agree in 95 %
    Guest
    Agree in 95 %

    I agree in 95% of your very well written letter
    There is only 1 thing : I don’t know you but Some girls don’t like anybody te first time they met , and I mean literally anybody.
    I am talking regarding cases that you decided to date. ( not regarding cases that you don’t want to met the bochur )
    If you decide to met him , you should obligate yourself to go 5 dates before you decide ( consider these 5 dates as a long 1 date)
    Again this applies only in cases that you agreed to met him

    To the author
    Guest
    To the author

    It sounds like your parents are doing the right thing. If they were content with you being single, then I would say that they were bad parents. While most single boys and girls want to get married, there is a growing trend of singles that are “content” with being single. While this fits very well with secular/hipster culture, this does NOT align with Torah values. Sadly, I know parents that are overly content with their children being single, and almost all of their children are in their mid thirties and forties and not married. Some of these parents are not… Read more »

    Emphasize, but
    Guest
    Emphasize, but

    You should be picky, this is your life and your future. It has to be right for you, feel right for you.
    BUT
    Your parents are right. People sometimes meet the right someone and are ready to marry them, even if it is not the type of person they imagined themselves with.
    For this one they are ready to overlook too short, too quiet, living in a place they didn’t imagine. etc etc.even stupid jokes can be overlooked if that its not his real attitude to women. he is trying to be funny.
    Give things a chance.
    Good luck

    see a therapist together with your parents to be on same page
    Guest
    see a therapist together with your parents to be on same page

    Parents have to ask themselves who they are really doing this for, their children or themselves. Marriage is the happiest way to live, unless it is an unhappy marriage. Some people actually do prefer to be single, for a variety of reasons. I know many parents who have had to make peace with that and learn to give up on the idea that their child will get married, or at least give that effort and the consequences of that over to their child.

    appalled at 17
    Guest
    appalled at 17

    Your comment is distasteful and should be removed. Quit the judgment. It’s unbecoming to anyone.

    Lubavitcher yungerman
    Guest
    Lubavitcher yungerman

    Wow can’t have written it better myself!!!! It applies to bochurim as well, my own dear parents also pushed me to meet girls which were not my style! Parents have to remember that no matter how desperately they want their child to get married, it’s not about who they think is good in their good in Their eyes, due to yichus, wealth and a “known name” because those things don’t matter in married life of every day! What matters is a spouse who is appropriate for your child’s character not someone who is well known in the community, As there… Read more »

    Different angle.
    Guest
    Different angle.

    Personally i feel more then anything is those well meaning shadchanim that feel the need to push you against the wall in the hope that you will just “settle” with whomever they set you up with. That’s not how it works, you have to like they girl or guy, its your life not anyone elses.
    And above all your parents are really really the ones that care about your happiness the most!

    to #9
    Guest
    to #9

    It’s NOT a mitzvah for a woman to get married
    And how dare you say that happiness and fulfillment comes ONLY with marriage and children. All of us older, single, childless women really thank you for that wonderfully sensitive remark!

    #17 - wow. wow. wow.
    Guest
    #17 - wow. wow. wow.

    I’m not the author, but I am a single young woman who wholeheartedly agree with every word she says. Your comment may as well have been directed at me. Let’s break down your comment shall we? “Kiddo” – Starting with condescension! What a mature and non-sexist approach. “You are clearly extremely picky.” – Ah, so if you don’t want to continue dating a guy – any guy – that makes you picky? As someone who has dated old&young/smart&dumb/accomplished&lazy/thin&fat/ gezhe&BT&ger/NYCers&foreigners/tall&short, I can confidently tell you that “picky” is merely a lazy slur. And like #11 said, I can also add that… Read more »

    Judgemental
    Guest
    Judgemental

    The letter is quite judgemental of parents, environment, etc.
    You’re doing what youdon’t what others to do

    agree
    Guest
    agree

    Multiple parents as my own just don’t get it and they never will…lol
    With or without them stop wasting time & just move on.

    A thought
    Guest
    A thought

    As a mother who has married off several children, I want to thank this young lady for her letter. I felt that my job as a mother was to support my child in helping him/her find her bashert, on their terms. I never tried to get a child to second guess whatever it was that they thought they wanted. If height was the issue, I honoured it, if it was another issue, I was with them. I felt that my child needed my absolute support, and with that I was being a good mother. After each date, I would debrief… Read more »

    why the article?
    Guest
    why the article?

    why such an article? let her say ma or ta, i will do it on my own. case closed. no need for articles or comments in the positive or even worse the negative

    @41
    Guest
    @41

    Well said! Thank you for being the one to respond!

    #45
    Guest
    #45

    What does it matter to you if people exchange ideas and share ???if u cannot tolerate it then get off and go read something else.But why dictate what people want to share?

    Question
    Guest
    Question

    My question is, why can’t we have events for older singles to meet a potential significant other in a more natural, and organic way? Unfortunately, for some of us, the regular shidduch process isn’t working and this might help, but this idea is completely taboo.

    to #48
    Guest
    to #48

    Feel free to try to make events. There are a few and from what I understand they work occasionally to bring people together but are usually less effective in getting people married than the direct approach of setting people up. There are a number of shuls in the CH area that cater to a young crowd and if people want to meet other young people, they should seek out those places, as well as kosher coffee shops and venues where there is lots of mingling. Getting around in different crowds and being seen can help people network. When single women… Read more »

    to #36
    Guest
    to #36

    Its not very nice to say that…
    If you want to speak like that , speak to her personally.
    Shidduchim is from hashem, and all you have to do is wait for the perfect person to come your way.
    Stop going crazy looking for a shidduch, you have to have Emuna and Bitachon in hashem and all will be good.

    To 47
    Guest
    To 47

    Why the aggressive attitude?!? Where’s YOUR tolerance for someone saying their opinion? They were just suggesting a conversation with the parents. Problem with that? Please keep your bitterness out of this and stop attacking ppl who are not on your “lets blame parents” page

    Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad
    Guest
    Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad

    The writer of this letter is a very responsible, respectful, frum and articulate young woman seeking someone 24-28. If you have a shiduch suggestion, you can reach out to me at info@adaiad.org

    Shabbos Dinner For Singles
    Guest
    Shabbos Dinner For Singles

    Attention Frum Lubavitch Singles, Ages 25+!! My family and I are once again hosting a Friday night Seudah in our home, 1640 Carroll Street (Schenectady/Utica) basement entrance, Shabbos Veyeishev – 21 Kislev/December 8th, and would love for you to join us! Please email me with your RSVP at Elke@EzraNathan.com or text/call me at 917-929-7460 to let me know you’re coming. It’s important to leave your name so I know who to expect. Please share this with any Frum Lubavitch singles! There’s no fee, just come and bring your friendly smile! And of course, don’t be shy – feel free to… Read more »

    To #1
    Guest
    To #1

    If singles actualy implemented this, we’d have no Shidduch crisis. The issue is that people are scared of going about looking for shidduch on their own. a Shadchan isn’t for everyone. Remember that.

    RSVP
    Guest
    RSVP

    #53 who ever put the invite on collive, Please make sure to RSVP, before Thursday, we must know who is coming,
    thank you the cook. No texting only email.

    #44
    Guest
    #44

    As a mother with more than one child “in the Parsha” I really appreciate your comment; well-said!

    # 53
    Guest
    # 53

    Wow that is so sweet

    Practical Idea.
    Guest
    Practical Idea.

    I used to get caught in the stories of my parents trying to find my siblings Shidduch, when I would call home on Fridays I was tempted to disscus all the choice of my siblings Shidduch, it was not healthy and was ruining our relationship, my Madhpia suggested that on Fridays when I call home for Shabbos should be designated for just positive things. This helped tremendously for me. Every Relationship needs boundaries. You need to have a have time that in this period of time you don’t disscus Shidduchim, maybe Shabbos, the point is to be able to have… Read more »

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    As an “older” single girl, I sympathize with the author. Though, my main issue was with shadchanim not caring about my opinion, more than my parents. Was told more times than I can count, that I was too picky or quick to judge. When did rejecting a chauvinist or lazy guy become a bad thing? Oh, and do not get me started on the beard issue!

    To number 41
    Guest
    To number 41

    As the author of comment number 17 I can proudly say that you’ve proven my point. (Btw I’m female)
    You have too much time on your hands and you are thin skinned. Get married!
    Oh and trust me I have experience: I was married more than once.

    kol hakavod
    Guest
    kol hakavod

    what a beautiful, open, honest article. thank you for being brave enough to write it. I’m sure it will help many.

    everyone has a choice but not an equal choice
    Guest
    everyone has a choice but not an equal choice

    There are the winners and losers in the quest for a shidduch. For example, if someone is mildly disabled but could get married, then the quest is for someone will either accept the disability or who has one of their own but it may be a different disability than the other one has. For that person, the search could be more difficult. The same holds true for someone with an inherited disorder in the family or with a complicated family. Not everyone has such great choices to choose from so sometimes the choice is between staying single and marrying someone… Read more »

    Come to Chevra
    Guest
    Come to Chevra

    Chevra Ahavas Yisrael on Albany

    51 take note
    Guest
    51 take note

    Not the least bit bitter so stop projecting.that person said tall to parents and whallah all solved basically.That is how discussion stops and that is precisely what i was referring to.why are YOU so defensive?? Feel like parents are being bashed?im a parent and i dont feel blamed or anything.im open to dialogue and understanding how singles feel.try it sometime.

    shes probably 22 years old
    Guest
    shes probably 22 years old

    people are still having healthy children at 45.
    whats the rush!?

    to # 17
    Guest
    to # 17

    you sound like a parody of a well meaning person who doesn’t even realize how badly s/he needs sound parenting lessons.

    here, here.
    Guest
    here, here.

    well spoken. i much agree.

    i agree with you
    Guest
    i agree with you

    i have had similar experiences as you. ive been pressured to find a boy when he just hasnt arrived on his golden chariot. looks is not all that matters. everyone is telling me “hes good looking! why dont you go out with him?” but guess what? looks is not what matters. its about the inside. and clearly my bashert is not him. it is very frustrating and i felt that this is a safe haven and i could share with you.

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