Wednesday, 6 Tammuz, 5781
  |  June 16, 2021

Time For Honesty in Shidduchim

From the COLlive inbox: I can't tell you how many times I've received requests to "adjust" my resume one way or the other. Full Story

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to 55
June 26, 2016 2:42 am

I’m # 50…Don’t worry, it was a different maamar, and we learned it several months ago, way before I saw this article. (my husband doesn’t read col, and I didn’t mention this article to him). It just was interesting to see corresponding sources in chassidus and nigleh.

Grateful We Left
June 23, 2016 9:34 pm

Do you know how many white shirts, beards and jackets have yelled, insulted,cursed and almost accosted me?
Give me a mensch with a colored shirt or even a t-shirt any day.
The judgemental people in Crown Heights drove me away.

To #50
June 23, 2016 8:28 pm

It is sad when a rabbi from Lakewood (the snag K) in comment #33 needs to educate us about a maamor from Alte Rebbe!This is like hafotzas hamayonus going backwards!! Instead of us spreading chassidus to them, they are teaching spreading to us chassidus!

Very Good!
June 23, 2016 7:48 am

You know a potential partner is right for you when you don’t need to play games and pretend you’re someone you’re not. Marketing is for business, not for shidduchim.

June 22, 2016 7:24 pm

To number 52. “Frankly I question that whole concept of bashert” We don’t have a lot of common ground. I was talking to the men, who are obliged to go out and get married. I don’t think it’s wise for women to take the same approach because, frankly, and as it ever was, it’s far easier for the man to arrange for in advance, meaning to select for, and to maintain the health of the marriage than it is for the woman. The man needs to be discerning, no doubt that, but this resume blockade is counter productive, with too… Read more »

To #18 -- Dangerous & simplistic
June 22, 2016 2:47 pm

To #18, who said to just get married “and make it work.” I had a friend who was determined to get married one year. “I’m going to find someone and just make it work.” She ended up divorced with five kids. Your argument lacks foundation. Such a marriage reeks of naivete and desperation. While negotiation skills are necessary in a marriage, a “middle ground” is not always possible. Personality, cultural (i.e. Russian, Sephardi), and — sad to say — mental health issues often interfere with the ability to compromise. One partner might end up suppressing his/her own needs, or worse,… Read more »

Marry me?
June 22, 2016 1:22 pm

The shidduch system has left no room for individuality, everyone has to pretend to be the perfect guy, or the perfect girl… it’s all just a show. The winners are the singles with ‘perfect’ families and ‘perfect’ references. Let’s be real, it’s got nothing to do with resumes or no resumes. Singles (and their parents) aren’t willing to meet up without shadchanim/ system/ formalities. Make a singles event in CH, let people actually get to know one another without all the faking.

Maamar of the Alter Rebbe
June 22, 2016 11:05 am

Rabbi K, my husband showed me this in a maamar from the Alter Rebbe! The shidduch comes from a source so high that literally like kriyas yam suf, it comes from higher than hishtalshelus, and therefore cannot come down through regular channels, the shekarim of the shadchan bring the shidduch into the world!

For my daughter please..
June 22, 2016 9:20 am

From what I’ve heard so far, you’re just what my daughter is looking for. Can you please send me your profile to [email protected]. Thank you. B’sorus Tovas

June 22, 2016 2:51 am

I agree with the author. When shidduchim are determined by the desires and standards of the parents and shadchanim rather than the young men and women themselves, there are bound to be problems. Young people need to know that they are getting married for themselves, not to impress older people. Marriage must be predicated on honesty, otherwise it will fall apart.

Nobody is perfect, and each person must be willing to admit to that while dating. Writing false or misleading information on a resume is disingenuous and a form of betrayal to the other party.

To 44
June 22, 2016 12:54 am

Then the crown heights shadchonim are blind because that is a perfect description of about 70% of bochrim today…
Wake and smell the coffee more then 70% of bochrim today watch movies
Just it’s something no one speaks about ..
Ask any Bocher and they will agree unless they are from the 30% that think everyone is like them .
Everyone WAKE UP!!!

Couple of years??
June 21, 2016 11:36 pm

“As a 23-year-old bochur, I’ve had my fair share of shidduchim suggested over the past couple of years.”

Yehuda l g
June 21, 2016 9:40 pm

And being your self and honest the whole way nothing more cooler than that.so to me your doing just grate.lechatcila Aruba.

Dovid #37
June 21, 2016 8:14 pm

Please compile a list of the Mendel & mushkas you were referring to that daven and say chitas but will do so with colored shirts and an occasional movie or ball game. CH shaddchanim don’t know any one like that!!

while it's probably true what
June 21, 2016 8:05 pm

k writes if we’re talking about non important matters. I wonder if one of you singles writes at the bottom of your resume “There is nothing written here that was changed to appear different than how I would describe myself.” You may actually get 40,000 great offers 🙂

To 35, 37 etc.
June 21, 2016 7:36 pm

Here is the rule from blog.dictionary.com

Double Consonants: When b, d, g, m, n, or p appear after a short vowel in a word with two syllables, double the consonant. Examples: rabbit, manner, dagger, banner, drummer.

Who says COL is not educational?


As a response to #17
June 21, 2016 7:17 pm

I think a soulmate is not a perfect person. Not a princess. Not a prince. It’s someone who can understand you. Really genuinely understand you for who you are. For the good things and for the more painful things. I think the right person is worth waiting for. Yes the journey to finding that person can be highly frustrating but I undeniably believe that it exists.

June 21, 2016 6:50 pm

that is the answer to my question: why divorces and broken engagements happen so often nowadays! that is the answer! thank you to whoever wrote this article!

To Rabbi K at 31 & 32
June 21, 2016 5:26 pm

I always appreciate your Torahdig perspective and welcome your comments. You should ignore those who call you a “snag”. Clearly you are a senior rov and lamdon at BMG. As an aside – didn’t Rabbi Kotler assur the internet at the “Asifa”? We weren’t invited (not part of klal yisroel) but heard chazorah.

To 35
June 21, 2016 5:14 pm

As 30 wrote:
“Shidduch is with two D’s because it is in between vowels”

Let’s apply the Rulle:
It is a cutte rulle. I was hopping somme onne would havve timme (2 M’s) to point out if therre arre any the exceptions …

It's not only the profile / resume
June 21, 2016 3:28 pm

Firstly, I wish people would call it a profile and not a resume. A resume is what you use to find a job. B”H I’ve help 2 out of my 6 children get married so far. I’ve also been used as a reference for other people. From these experiences I’ve come to an important understanding that is related to what the author has written. In the early days if I was called for a reference about someone I would think about what in my mind were the person’s strengths and highlight them. What I perceived as their weaknesses I either… Read more »

To #3
June 21, 2016 3:27 pm

why is marriage called “settling down”? When we make it sound so dull and monotonous, then obviously many guys don’t want to “settle down.” Many girls wouldn’t want to either when its portrayed in that light. I think its very sad when the little details of how someone lives their life, is put under a microscope, and judged. How about starting with Middos??? Isn’t that what a Chossid is? Someone who works on him Middos. Why isn’t that an important detail? Why does the world care so much if we wear a jacket or not? Does a jacket really show… Read more »

To 33
June 21, 2016 3:13 pm

It is called “vowel consonant vowel rule”

So far 10 years married
June 21, 2016 2:46 pm

I wish I was aware of all of my husbands character flaws, not once was I directly told of his lack or davening, no hat or jacket, etc, which is what I wanted. We argued and fought year after year, as I hoped he would change or grow according to what I idealized. My husband did dress the part, but inside he was miserable. We were miserable. I did not love him, but instead I was in love with the person he one day might become. Through much pain, I finally realize that most was caused by me, since he… Read more »

To #30
June 21, 2016 2:46 pm

Is that a rule or just your opinnion? (Two N’s because it is between vowels)

Further comment from K
June 21, 2016 2:43 pm

If you seek emes, you can only find it in Torah, because only Torah is emes. Everything else, including shidduch resume’s are all sheker. Once a person internalizes this knowledge, you are no longer deceiving him. Even the issur chomur of Loshon Harah (which kills three people!) is muttar for a to’eles, kal v’chomer the chiyuv of midvar sheker tirchok.

Posted by K
June 21, 2016 2:33 pm

Getting past the barriers It says in Seforim that every shidduch REQUIRES some sheker. Now before you skip my Daas Torah submission by discounting it as words of a “snag”, know that these seforim include YOUR Rebbeim!! As an example: מאמרי אדה”ז על מארז”ל ע’ צ”א סוטה ב,א הב”ק מכריז וגוזר שיהיה כך ולא שיהיה התנהגות הדבר ע”פ סיבה, ולטעם זה כל השידוכים נגמרים ע”י שקרים דשדכן ולא ע”פ האמת בנו”א נוסף: שכאשר הי’ מגיד האמת לא היה מזדווגין לעולם Basically, it means that on a spiritual level, sidducim require lies in order to come to fruition. But more so,… Read more »

To #24
June 21, 2016 2:08 pm

Shidduch is with two D’s because it is in between vowels

yehi on the resume
June 21, 2016 1:50 pm

I once heard about a case where the boy was obligated to use an yehi kipah because the shadchan changed his resume stating that. The girl laughed hard at the kipa and the dating night was over.

Good point.
June 21, 2016 1:36 pm

Very true. Well said.

June 21, 2016 1:00 pm

#10 While that may apply in a one off situation, most often (as indicated by other comments here) the shadchan doesnt even know the boy or girl. They simply make suggestions which they think makes the person fit into a certain mold. Which is ridiculous. My inside is just like my outside, someone who davens with a minyan, learns, has a full beard, but doesnt wear white shirts. Thats just who I am. # 11 & 13 I guess if you want you can email the editor for my email address. # 14 Let’s even forget the divorce rate &… Read more »

I agree 100%
June 21, 2016 12:11 pm

I think this is how the Lubavitch Shidduch system is different from others, where if they don’t “shteig” in Kolel for 20 years then something is wrong.
I hope it isn’t infiltrating into our system too.
We each have our own talents and challenges, let’s use them to fulfill our unique shlichus.

100% True
June 21, 2016 12:09 pm

Very well said. I was quite shocked to see the 1st few comments… How can anyone argue with this?

from a shadchan outside the U.S.
June 21, 2016 12:06 pm

to the writer, anonymous 23 yr old bochur I am happy that you expressed your feelings and opinion. I am more than 40 years older than you but I can see that you are BH and will IYH grow to be an ‘ontlecher mentsch’ and we can certainly use as many as we can get. It is a tough shiduch (btw why do people spell shiduch with 2 d’s) scene out there and it is not for nothing that people call it a shiduch crisis. One of my pet peeves is when as a shadchan I read a profile which… Read more »

Why Resumes
June 21, 2016 11:28 am

Its time to realize the disadvantages of “resumes” which
became standard due to the convenience of email. One
may pass up great opportunities or be deceived by an
attractive resume. Facts have proven that the disadvantages are more than the advantages.
Allow for resumes to become obsolete. People trying
to help with shidduchim should meet those persons
and get to know them before setting them up. As in many
aspects of life the good old way is best.
That may dramatically improve the shiddduch crisis.

This is a personal lifestyle choice
June 21, 2016 11:27 am

People put up appearances for many reasons – too uphold a social status, to get themselves or their kids into the right school, job, or shidduch, to hide skeletons, etc. And therefore, they don’t mind tweaking a shidduch resume, if that is what it takes to attain their goal.
Apparently, that isn’t the way for you. I hope that is clearly listed as one of your requirements in a girl. Not everyone has that value. You are looking for someone who is straightforward and unpretentious, whose mindset, appearance, values, and lifestyle are synonomous.

Comment number 3
June 21, 2016 10:55 am

Im a 24 year old Bocher and you are spot on.

June 21, 2016 10:10 am

ש – שקר
ד – דובר
כ – כסף
ן – נוטל

That’s the way my friend, they just lie, and it’s part of the business.
Once you find your match, and u feel it’s real, u can always talk and know each other better.
One more thing, no one really knows his/hers spouse for the first years of marriage. So any ways, u have to build the relationship. As the Rebbe always said, על יסוד התורה והמצווה.
Good luck in finding your bashert, the lies of the shadchanim are Hashgacha Protis!

you are 23
June 21, 2016 9:53 am

too young. go learn a trade and save some $.

June 21, 2016 9:49 am

Get married You have to do what you have to do. Just get married and make it work. When I was on shidduch with my wife, I asked Reb Chaim Sholom Deitch what to do about that the girl who I am dating is frumer than I am (I was frum don’t get me wrong but my wife was and is a malach). He told me advice that he had received (or had heard…it’s been a few years) namely, that the main thing is in the mind, namely, are you at a the same level in shita. the poel mammosh… Read more »

well many issues
June 21, 2016 9:48 am

I know someone who presented himself as only wearing black and white and truthfully he does BUT he also watches movies at home or maybe rarely outside so you never know.But the girl is ok with this.But this came out during the dating period where you should tell it like it is.So on paper one should maybe be more open because why lead anyone on?Then in person be way more open especially if there’s a connection and chemistry. I personally don’t believe in a soul mate.There are many potential mates out there and if one is waiting for that ONE… Read more »

Former CHer and Shliach
June 21, 2016 9:41 am

The article is right on. I am in a marriage for over ten years based of fallacies. Many people in my situation are divorced. I somehow make it through my day to day mostly because of the kids that we had right away. I feel like my life was destroyed due to this very problem. I will probably be divorced sooner or later. Thank G-d for anonymous posting or I would never share this. You have no clue how much I regret letting these Shatchanim push me around. Better annoy a few than live a life of misery. They get… Read more »

June 21, 2016 9:02 am

I myself was never told to edit my resume. But I dated a girl that on her resume said she was frum. but on the date it came out that she realy wasnt that frum.

I liked the article a lot. I agree.
June 21, 2016 8:59 am

There’s a well known quote that says “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person” A soulmate connection is innate. It’s a validation and recognition of two souls that share their being, and that unity is way stronger then any details. Maybe we need a little more faith and trust in Hashem’s ability to bring soulmates together and a little less tweaking. I think that the root of the problem is not colored or white shirts or how many hours a person studies a day; it’s lack of faith and acceptance of our innate worth and Hashem’s ungraspable… Read more »

June 21, 2016 8:36 am

Number 11,me too!

June 21, 2016 7:13 am

My resume was once given to a woman I had never met by a friend of mine. The woman then contacted me – again, we had never met, she didn’t know a thing about me! – to say that before she passes it on to the bochur, she has multiple edits to suggest! I was also told by a different shadchan that I should pretend to be open to making aliyah even though for multiple reasons I am absolutely not.

Who r u
June 21, 2016 6:00 am

I’ll take you for my daughter

because your outside doesnt match your inside
June 21, 2016 5:59 am

the shadchan wouldn’t tell a less Chassidic boy to wear white shirts. he noticed that u r the level of the white shirts in every other aspect and so your colored shirts r giving the wrong impression. he was only trying to help u get the girl who matches your inside. once u got her, u could say on the date that u really wear colored but were told to wear white in order to attract a suitable girl and what does she think about the outward appearance u feel more comfortable in. I bet u shes gonna say that… Read more »

June 21, 2016 5:39 am

You know many times Shiduchim are with some “white” lies…..either the bochur side, or either the girl side. (but the truth comes out) later on…..

June 21, 2016 3:16 am

I am passing this on to my parents! “Make it like this and like that and tweak here and there and if you write this it makes you look like this or like that” “No my loves! It makes me look like me! A kind hearted girl who davens, says he Chitas, Sefer hamitzvos and learns, and sometimes also enjoys a movie or two. Not perfect but honest. And if he doesn’t like my resume, he’s just not mine, and that’s ok because one day a nice guy will come and like it.. So now or later or never (I… Read more »

Good for you-- כל הכבוד!
June 21, 2016 1:40 am

Emes is a crucial ingredient in every relationship, על אחת כמה וכמה in marriage. May הקב״ה send you your TRUE Zivug very quickly!

Glad I'm not the only one...
June 21, 2016 1:21 am

I have also been told to change mine many many times (along with multiple things about me)… I have been sent back revised resumes that say nothing about who I really am… very very vague…

good point...
June 21, 2016 12:31 am

the man has a good point…

Beautifully Said
June 21, 2016 12:25 am

You are wise

June 21, 2016 12:08 am

Give this generation a keyboard, and suddenly everyone is a writer.

Enough with these anonymous opt-eds on the shidduchim crisis. None of these have ever helped anyone. Nor have they fixed the problem. Everyone just finds another excuse ,as to why a potential shidduch is not for them. The older bochurim claim to want to introduce speed dating, because they are supposedly burned out. When in reality, many of them just do not want to settle down.

To the author
June 20, 2016 11:58 pm

As a 23-year-old bochur, you still have much to learn about the world.

Excuse me
June 20, 2016 11:58 pm

Many bachurim are added down a certain way… and its only that they hung around the wrong people etc. And got a bit messed up, but many have strong values at the core, and by going out with someone that has those values, it reawakens them, so I might agree with your article a bit, but definitely not as a general klal…