There is an old adage “honesty is the best policy.” This truth applies to all facets of one’s life. An area in which it carries particulate importance is dating.
As a 23-year-old bochur, I’ve had my fair share of shidduchim suggested over the past couple of years.
What I always find infuriating, is when shadchanim want me to “adjust” the truth in order to make their suggested shidduch seem more suitable.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received requests to change my resume one way or the other.
What this encourages, is for the guys and girls to be loose with the truth, both with the person they’re dating, and with themselves. They both misrepresent themselves to others, and loose touch with what they actually think of, and want for themselves.
Last week, someone suggested a shidduch to me. They prefaced it by saying that for the shidduch to work, I have to start wearing only white shirts, shouldn’t follow sports, and a few other gems. “Besides for that it’s a perfect shidduch”, he told me. I laughed him off the phone.
From conversations with friends, I know I’m not the only one this happens to. And, many of the others actually agree to such conditions for the moment, in order for the “perfect” shidduch to work.
Marriages which are predicated on one changing oneself don’t work. Could it be possible that the rise of divorce and broken engagements in our community is somehow linked to this?
Too many people are dating based on what someone else wants them to be, versus who they actually are. Once they get married, (or engaged), they quickly realize that they aren’t, and can’t be the person they pretended to be in order to date. And everything goes downhill from there.
Parents and anyone involved in shidduchim, please stop encouraging the guys and girls dating to be fake.
If you don’t like or approve of the character and qualities of your son or daughter, try influencing them to transform themselves or just accept it. Lying might work, but it can also cause a ripple effect with long lasting disappointment and hurt.
If everyone just started being real, dating would be that much simpler. It would actually enable one to find their match, not just someone with an outward appearance of matching.