This is What Henya Federman Did on Her Wedding Day

By Rabbi Elkana Shmotkin

Tuesday was the 41st birthday of my sister, Mrs. Henya Federman OBM. As you can imagine, it was a challenging day for some of us, but we worked our way through it. At an extended family get-together, Henya’s parents, husband Asher Federman, her children, siblings, and nieces and nephews encouraged one another, shared memories and messages from Henya, celebrated her life and spoke about the many things we can learn from her.

A while back, we sent some family videos off to be transferred, and one of our children came across this scene that I thought would be apropos to share.

In 2003, Henya was working in Milwaukee, teaching Hebrew school and running a pre-Bat Mitzvah program.

On the day of Henya and Asher’s wedding, “Morah Henya” took an hour for her students and their parents; to dance with them, read a story, react to their Mitzvah gifts, and give them each a charity box, before heading off to get married.

At whatever stage of life you knew Henya, you’ll certainly get this.

She wanted to connect with the children in an age-appropriate way on her special day, and to give each child their individual moment… And she wasn’t going to allow them to be short-changed! It had to be ON her wedding day, with the bride fully gowned (is gowning a thing?) and made up.

I was never a bride (but I’m married to someone who once was — and still is!), and I believe that’s a pretty big deal to do on one’s wedding day.

But that was Henya.

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All of us admire Asher and Henya’s parenting for having brought up such beautiful children, thank G-d.

Every parent prays that their child grows up to be a good person. G-d is the most pivotal of the three partners, but when we see an upstanding, kind child, we inevitably think of the parents, because children are the product of their parents.

So in honor of her birthday, I also want to pay tribute to our parents, Rabbi Yisroel and Devorah Shmotkin, may they live and be well, who did an amazing job raising Henya and us, teaching us how to live a life of giving and of meaning.

My parents taught — and continue to teach — by example how a selfless existence is also the truest path to personal fulfillment, as the Rebbe taught us.

The sensitivity and attentiveness to what someone is going through, honing in and allowing nothing to get in the way of caring for the other — this translates into a myriad of things that continue to ripple across the world… including a bride somehow finding an hour to spend with children on her wedding day.

(I should mention that my sister Chanie Klein also worked in Milwaukee, and did this on her own wedding day a year earlier. Henya was exceptional, and has some exceptional siblings, too!)

My parents should be very proud of themselves this week, and every week. I am proud to be their child, and I know my siblings share my sentiments in this regard.

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