By Rabbi Shea Hecht for COLlive
It’s extremely painful to see someone we care about struggling with an eating disorder. The illness is all-encompassing, causing them to view every aspect of life in the context of what has or has not been eaten that day. If left unchecked, an eating disorder can and will destroy physical, emotional and mental health.
As parents, siblings and friends, we cannot sit silently and let someone we care about harm themselves. On the other hand, involving ourselves in this battle can be overwhelming. What is the right way to help? Will we only make things worse? What can we do?
Off the bat, we have to understand that even with our most loving and committed intentions, we cannot “cure” this sickness or make it end. That’s something that we’ll have to leave to responsible professionals and, ultimately, to the suffering individual. However, with thoughtful and loving involvement, we can help a friend to make sound decisions about their health.
An approach that can encourage someone to break the cycle of self destruction and reach out for help is one that I will refer to as “Near and Far.” Essentially, we can encourage our friend, in a loving and supportive way, to get professional help (Near); and deny the rationale and self-image that fuels the illness (Far). In other words:
Near…
First of all, it’s important to stay cool and relaxed when speaking with her about your suspicions. Even though it’s difficult, do not let yourself get frantic or upset. If you are too upset to contain your emotions, it is simply the wrong time to talk.
Explain to her in a direct way what it is that makes you believe that she has a problem. Without talking down or taking an accusatory tone, speak explicitly about changes you’ve observed in her behavior or disposition. Emphasize that as a parent, friend, sibling etc. you’re concern is only for her own health and happiness.
Your goal should be not just to air your suspicions that she has a problem, but to recommend specific help. Do some basic footwork as to what therapists, clinics or support groups are out there so that you’ll be able to suggest a specific course of action.
…and Far
Do not say anything about her physical appearance, whether in a positive or negative way. No matter what, she will understand everything you say in a way that validates her obsession with her self-image, and this will only fuel her illness. For the same reasons, don’t get into the hard details of calories, nutrition etc. You simply cannot win.
Do not put forth any demands or issue ultimatums: stress and shame are what drove the illness in the first place. Throughout her struggle, she has trained herself to deal with bullying, shame and pressure. There is little, if anything, you can do to “force her hand.” It will take much patience and persistence before she starts to come around. There’s no “silver bullet”.
Do not give in: Someone with an eating disorder is a “master of manipulation.” She may unexpectedly shift the blame for her condition to you, or perhaps try to ridicule your “naïve” desire to get involved. She may ask you to help her keep her illness secret. Do not accept any responsibility for her emotional or physical ailments – your role is not to be a punching bag or a crutch, your role is to encourage her to seek professional treatment.
It’s important to come to terms with the fact that we cannot heal our friend’s illness. That is something that demands much time, professional help and a supreme effort on their part. Our job as friends and family is to help her to imagine a better life for herself and lovingly encourage her to seek out the professionals that can help her to heal.
Related Article:
+ The Secret Anorexic War
i dont know who u are, but unfortunately an issue like this is not funny and you are lucky enough not to have been affected by it.
YOU must grow up and take to heart when things are serious and things are to b made fun of.
This is no laughing matter…Grow up, Educate yourself and Start caring!
you cant take a joke and will everyone grow up and worry about themselves these coments you right are a joke and funny to most ppl
learnt about eating disorders in school… soo sadd 🙁
Say that to the family of the girl who died 2 years ago in seminary. She pushed her friends away who tried to help and now shes dead, and now unless you want to end up like her for a “PERFECT BODY, PERFECT MENTAL STATE” then let your friends and family be friends and family.
Anorexia is a form of suicide. It lead to nothing other than death. Look up the halachos.
Eating issues and other addictions bc this is an addiction can be dealt with. Chatsworth 514-931-2999… you are not alone
why is it that in the frum world the main objective is the”SHIDDUCH” and again the ‘shidduch”? Does anything else matter like saving someones’ life and getting help?Every time something comes up, they are petrified of the stigma and what others will say.This happens to be a very visible thing so you can”t hide it but that’s all people worry about.How about the health of your children?Pls do not take this in an ugly way but girls do die as you all know well enough.
As a friend of a girl who is aneorexic, the only thing you can do is be a friend, no matter how much she pushes you away. Dont bring up the problem to her, if you are worried, go to her parents. Her parents already know, and are probably talking to her about it. She doesnt have to hear it from you too. Your job is to simply be her friend and thats it. no judgement! As for the girls who are aneorexic, we know how hard this is for you and that its not in your control as much… Read more »
Sorry but you have no earthly idea what you are talking about-it has nothing to do with the secular society and this illness is very old and happens in every group and every socioeco etc etc etc.It’s not the “secular society and their values” that cause this.It is deep, psych disorder that no one seems to get or refuse to get because of the stigma involved. Until you realize this is a real illness, you aint gonna get anywhere. They definitely need help but they think everyone wants to get them fat so they trust no one and the illness… Read more »
I was a nurse on a locked psych unit for girls and I can tell you a few things. No,it is not about weight.There is a compulsion involved and a psych problem which no one wants to acknowledge.Some have rage even though they come across as “perfect”. They have severe control issues as well.Then there are people who continue to make it a food and gaining wt issue that have no results.Yes, I think they must be hospitalized in a unit that specializes in this area. The “games” will continue.They know how to maipulate the scale and everything else.A third,… Read more »
It’s great for a friend to want to help but as an anorexic i can say it’s annoying because friends don’t understand. No matter what logic they bring. It’s frustrating to listen knowing they don’t get a word of what you say. It becomes a bother everytime they bring it up. Especially if you’re not willing to stop what you do and you just wanna be left alone.
A FRIEND IS SOMEONE WHO HELPS YOU IN ANY SITUATION, SO GET OVER YOURSELF AND LET HER HELP, DONT PUSH HER AWAY JUST BECAUSE OF A DISORDER!!!!
The worst thing to do is push away those who yo uare close with. If you’re friend is trying to help, that means she truly cares, so dont give me that, that it annoys you when she “tries” to help.
Rabbi Hecht. I think this series of articles are very good. Both your articles have really spoken to me. I look forward to the third part.
Why do us frum girls not like to eat? There are all sorts of reasons not just things from the secular world! The important part is helping to stop future girls from making the same mistake! If I could I would go back and not have started dieting because now it is an obsession.
We need to help the kids of the future!
Thank you Rabbi Hecht
the beauty of the kings daughter is within and that is the way to treat the issue, counseling on self image, self esteem and our responsibility to take care of our bodies
IT SEEMS TO BE A SIMPLE PEICE OF MATERIAL TO BRING ACROSS A POINT
Although I agree that a young boy and/or girls freinds most definitely should not be the ones helping them to get over their addictions, the person suffering from anorexia/bulimia or any other addiction for that matter can only get over it when they themselves decide that they are going to, when they recognize they have a problem, otherwise they could go to 100 therapists but it still won’t solve the problem.
first even through it is a problem that mostly effects females, it happens to effect a significant number of males, with anorexia, bulimia, or both. Some males have the same mental issues which are exhibited through over excersizing and taking hormones (which can also be fatal) and are harder to spot.
rabbi hecht this is a nice piece but just a rehash of your last piece
what are u proposing – do you have a program that can help, talk is cheap
SOMEONES GOTTA HELP THIS WOMAN THAT IS MODELING FOR THE ANOREXIC ARTICLE…SHE’S LOST SO MUCH MORE WEIGHT SINCE ARTICLE NUMBER ONE!!!!
what issue to you have with men, hmm?
can someone adress this please?
theres a major drug/alcohol addiction going on, please someone speak up and help real frum families that have real addicted kids get help1 especially support for the families, parents etc…..
I know.
I struggled with an eating disorder a few years back, and I completely agree with you. When a friend “tries” to help, it’s sometimes out of jelousy that you are successful in trying to be thin, and they aren’t. It doesn’t seem like they are really trying to help out. It’s best when a professional is the one to help. If a friend truly cares about the situation, she should go to a professional and help them intervene on your behalf.
#5, you’re right. Telling an anorexic s/he is thin won’t help. It doesn’t matter how thin others view them it’s their own view that matters. To add, Rabbi Hecht makes an extremely strong point: DO NOT lecture the anorexic about calories and nutrition. S/he knows way more about that than you do. Besides, any unknown information can and WILL be used for his/her advantage. BTW, #1 I agree totally! I always hated my friends try to tell me which therapist, how to deal with it, why what I’m doing is wrong, or that they understand. I know what I’m doing… Read more »
Altho this issue most certainly needs to be addressed, why is a man writing it?
It’s a good point you make…it’s about time that the insulated frum community come to the realization that you need to be trained to deal with real issues…
to #3&4 This is a phsycological issues and it’s not as simple as you make it sound that you can tell a girl “why do you think your fat when you’re really skinny” or “don’t worry you’re beautiful the way you are”…it exist in the entire world and it will exist in out community as well. There are proffessionals who know the best way to help the individuals involved.
Kudos to Rabbi Hecht, you are doing a major service for the frum community by speaking about this issue. The more we raise awareness, the more we make it unacceptable, the less tempting it will be for our young girls. I believe that part of the reason we have this problem is that thinness is seen as measure of a girls beauty and positive self-image. While I be dont encourage being overweight, the frum society has bought into the shallow secular societal standards, with a low size being a badge of honor. The more we shun these values and turn… Read more »
Is there anything that schools or parents can do to avoid having this problem in the fie first place?
Rabbi Hecht, kudos for addressing this issue head-on. Eating disorders are potentially fatal diseases. Psychologically it’s suicide by starving. Rabbi Hecht addresses a very relevant problem that has become more prevalent in our communities. B”H, it is being addresssed more than in the post. One major caveat. Rabbi Hecht, eating disorders strike adolescents as the major victimes. A teenager who suspects that her friend is anorexic CANNOT handle any of it on her own. It doesn’t work and the healthy friend becomes traumatized that she couldn’t help her friend. She SHOULD got to a responsible adult, such as principal, teacher,… Read more »
i have an eating disorder and one of the most annoying things is having your friend ‘trying’ to help you!