By Toby Lieder – momof14.blogspot.com
When our out of town kids come home for Yomtov, a very short period of merely 2-4 weeks, it is very easy for ‘all’ of us, to slip back into our ‘old habits’.
Why not? We’re back in our good old home, where we grew to love, have fun and created all our childhood memories, so of course home is where we long to be, together with family and friends, the way it was.
And yet we find, when the kids return home from a long absence, we all go back to where we were at when they left in the first place. Everybody goes right back into their positions. The oldest one is the boss, the youngest so spoiled, old habits play out, the way we are all used to right?
After all, we are continuing where we left off.
I came to realize that a new system has to take place. We cannot treat the children that return home from out of town, for Yomtov the same like it was before.
Because they are home for such a short period of time, and we are all so occupied with yomtov, with guests, food preparations, cleaning up, and what not, that each and every minute really counts.
Time speeds by so fast, that before you turn around, pouf they are gone again!
What I came to realize was that, since the out of Towner kids are home for so short, let me make this time the most absolute precious memorable experience ever, for both me, and them.
Before they return home, I am busy with preparations getting ready for their exciting arrival.
Their bedroom is freshly cleaned (sometimes I buy new linen) with a new towel embroidered with their name on it, resting at the foot of their bed, that is calling out to be picked up.
I always have a welcome basket on their dresser, with their favourite chocolates and nash, plus a new sponge, and their favourite shampoo and knickknacks.
I change my gear up a notch; to talk to them like a guest rather then the child I used to order around to do this and that. I find that when I treat the out of Towner kids like a guest. in my mannerism, and speech, we suddenly become like best friends, instead of returning back into the mother/child I am the boss, and you do as you are told, habits.
Remember, they are home for such a short while, lets make it a most memorable, happy, peaceful, experience, where love and understanding between one and another has its place in a warm accepting environment, rather then the old habits we were so used to behaving.
The children have grown up now. They are now much more independent. We must recognise that, and shower them with a sense of respect, and praise their maturity, and keep reinforcing their positive behaviour.
The more we treat them as we would treat our guest, the more they will live up to that behaviour.
We have them for such a short time, lets chap arayn, seize the moments, and make this short visit a most positive experience, where they go away saying “I cant wait to come back home!”
Lets bite our tongues when a criticism creeps up, and have mesiras nefesh, self sacrifice, for the sake of peace, to practice seeing only the good, (as we would in our guests) and make our kids feel that home is a place where we feel safe and loved and not where they want to run away from.
Time flies so fast, right? Do you also say every week; it feels like there’s only 3 days to the week. Shabbos, Monday and Thursday. I don’t know about you, but every time I turn around it’s Thursday again! Do you know what I mean?
This stage, of kids returning home from out of town, will slip by so fast, and before you know it, you are walking them down the chupa.
So, while we have them at home, please think twice before you open your mouth, and say to yourself, “What I am about to say to my child, will it make him feel good or bad?” as simple as that.
You have the power to make it or break it.
For more inspirations visit Momof14.blogspot.com
& gets what they need, new suits, hats, clothing, special foods that they like, gifts, toys for the einiklach. lets save the embroidered towels for their trousseu!
I love when my kids come home and we continue where we left off from.. They jus come back, marrieds included, with the warmth caring involvement and fun, with love and understanding and everyone pitching in whichever way they can, to make a memorable yom tov! In terms of buying new linen or preparing baskets, don’t think it’s fair of author to suggest that, most of us are overworked overwhelmed and short on money.. And our children know that. They appreciate just being home and together, and you know what, they even take care of us! What better chinuch is… Read more »
That was brilliant
I tried it and my daughter was in such a good mood! All of us felt the love
It is an excellent way to start your yomtov everyone with a smile happy warm loving atmosphere
Truly worth a try
As a yeshivah bochur i come home twice a year Tishri and Nisan and I usually bring a gift home for MY parents AND SIBLINGS I love to see MY family I look forward to see MY family AND JUST SEEING MY PARENTS IS ENOUGH NOT THE GIFT BASKET but most definitely being treated like a guest only makes me want to help more a guy Tom TOV!!!
When everything one reads is taken in context and with nuance there’s usually a lot one can benefit from listening to others. Same here.
True. There’s other cosiderations. However take on board the thrust of the article and it’ll help us have happier kids Bezras Hashem, with a healthier self esteem.
All the best, people!
She never said the children should not help out for yom tov and she never said they should not hang out and reminisce about their childhood! All she said was go out of the way, more than you normally would, to show your child who just came home that you love them and are so happy to have them home. I love the idea of preparing a welcome basket! They are not becoming “spoiled” cuz of a welcome basket! Please! It’s just a beautiful gesture and surely will have a lasting effect on the child. Controlling your mouth before criticizing… Read more »
After a year of being away all I wanted to do was help out. Mop. Dishes set the table. I would be really hurt if my parents went all out with money they don’t have to impress me. This sound like showing off. The clean room and tone of talking. Okay. New linen and embroidered towel is over board. For me having spent 9 months with limited ways to show kibud av vaeim I was trilled to join in the buzy family getting ready for shabbos. Now that I’m married when my parents or inlaws come. We treat them like… Read more »
I dont agree when i come home i know it’s time to help out. i dont know what you think, but in a dorm or boarding, yes you are responsible for yourself, no, you dont have to do anything else (maybe one little job. personally, i prefer to come home and give my mother a break! i’m one of the youngest kids and she has almost no help with running a school, constantly cooking for yom tov and shabbos, and general shlichus work. i would probably go crazy if i would be treated as a guest. welcome baskets when theres… Read more »
No baskets of food in my bedrooms except water.
There is no food allowed in any room except the kitchen and dinning room.
Giving children a warm welcome and happy household is great
If they come home Chasidish and keep the Halochas.
Changing the linen is also neccesary but children must help out unless you have a full time maid.
Thanks for the article
Treat ur children as ur guests & treat ur guests as ur children! Always works!
TY Toby!
when kids come home they want to be kids again. they want to be treated like someones children like they are home with their family. they want to reconnect with siblings, parents etc. please dont deprive your children of the pleasure of being back home. they want to hang out and reminisane about life before they left and make sure that home is still a constant in their life without changes. parenting classes can help if you are not sure of how to be with your children after they were away
Was thinking just that! My kids come home and I knock all the horrible habits they’ve picked up from being away … with in a day they are back to their sweet selves and peace for EVERYONE! They are amazing help, the singing, laughing and catching up they do whilst cleaning the kitchen , cooking and peeling they do together in the kitchen ( boys very much included ) , That makes for a real good time , rebonding and enormous nachas for us and most of all they are well prepared for making a wonderful home for them selves… Read more »
I just came back home from my mom’s house and I really missed her. But to tell you the truth on the second day I wanted to run away already. I wish my mom would read your article and treat me like that.
Toby love and live by your advice, it’s always spot on
Xx
can u do one for wives speaking to husbands – not whats in all the books but your own ideas and thoughts on it
Spot on what a beautiful idea!
Wake up negativity ! Your way ain’t working! They tried that strict don’t spoil kids thing on us for ages and look what it did!
A bunch of rebellious good for nothing’s roaming the streets looking to Rebel what not…..
Try something new
I love this idea!
Make the kids feel special a few times a year why not? It can only nourish their self esteem
Why the negativity?
Try some love see what can happen. Like they say it can’t hurt and doesn’t cost much!
i dont agree w/ u. its not spoiling its treating ur kids nicely. after a yr of them being away u want it to be a good atmosphere
There’s. I such thing as spoiling a child with too much love and care There is such a thing as under loving That is being afraid to give too much love thus refraining from giving it Nobody ever died from feeling too loved Yet people died literally when feeling under loved Trust me My mother was old school She didn’t even hug me Never mind kiss me And I think the old school of spoiling a kid with too much love is killing our kids today Ladies! Time for change Show love to your kids in all possible ways Toby,… Read more »
I didn’t even clean or get his room ready!
What an awesome ideA Toby
You marvel me each time each article you write
You are so right! Why not make their home experience a memorable one. You are making their memories right now with each visit home
I love the idea. I’m running to buy his favourite green apples
There’s no such thing as too much love
What can it hurt to put a warm smile on ur child’s face? Huh?
It doesn’t cost.
Cmon, what a little welcome kit can do for a child’s self esteem is far cheaper and Greater then therapy!!
I personally do the same with returning married couples and their kids! Why not? How difficult is it to make someone happy? How inviting and warm is it to find a nite on the door that welcomes you back home! And on the dresser a small basket of your favourites? How hard is it to put a smile on your married child’s face when they come home for a weekend or 2 and see freshly matching linen with some mint choclates scattered around their pillow? How hard can it be to spend an extra effort to buy their favourite cheese… Read more »
That’s why we have troubled kids today. Mothers are refraining to move from old school thinking to more kid love/friendly thinking Kids today need love and acceptance more then ever! What can a little bit of love n care do for a childs self esteem (who’s been away from home for a while…) Ask both sides (types) of children ask the old school strict disciplined do as I say child and ask the pampered one that comes home once in a while and feels the love through welcome signs and pamper baskets laden on their fresh linens? Interesting to hear… Read more »
Kids should feel very much welcomed at home but they need to know that Tishri is busy and their help and responsibilities at home are much needed. We are working non stop here in crown heights feeding our guests and the kids should be nonstop helping. Yo tov here is no time for vacation!
treat your child like a guest? Does that mean you also ask them to help out minimally as you would a guest? welcome baskets?
Pretty soon they will adopt your attitude too, and your home will no longer be a home rather a full service hotel. You’ll be waiting on them until you run yourself ragged..
yes the respect you speak of is important the cherishing every moment. I agree with that. But your children are NOT guests.
You can’t be serious. This must be a satire of how we raise spoiled kids with a sense of entitlement ( איס קומט מיר).You can really mean that after begging ,borrowing,and stealing to get $20,000 or so to send them to sem,we should treat them like Queens when they come home. Please ,PLEASE ,tell me your joking.
great refreshing advice. as the oldest of a large family, can vouch that one the giving end, this is an extremely beneficial method as well as on the receiving end. I sometimes think about the time when we will all be guests returning as singles or with our spouses/ families to home. Main point being: an over abundance of comfortability and familiarity is many times not healthy when taken advantage of in the slightest of ways. Its important even on a day to day basis (not only when returning home) to treat family members with respect–as much if not more… Read more »
Love! Cn you write an addition for how to approach married children and their spouses:)
Beautiful!