Thursday, 11 Heshvan, 5781
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The Girl from Comment #31

Shidduchim SOS: The girl who wrote comment #31 is puzzled by the reactions and asks why don't they teach about this in seminary and is pondering whether to find a mate herself. Full Story

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The answer
February 18, 2017 8:20 pm

Maybe not the whole answer, but a major part of success is when people in a community actually care about each other. That means–dare I say it? –upgrading (really upgrading, out of love for our neighbors and caring for them)–TZNIUS. You don’t like this word, then something is really out of whack. Tznius, as a CORE VALUE OF JUDAISM, is a MAJOR KEY TO SUCCESS in all areas, not the least of which is shidduchim. I’m not only talking to singles, I’M TALKING TO THE MAMAS, YOUNG AND OLD. Do you really care about your friends? Upgrade. Don’t think the… Read more »

In a word: Ewwwww!
December 18, 2016 2:14 pm

For the record- my entire class at BRHS and S managed to BH successfully get married WITHOUT shidduch resumes and 8 X 10 glossies.
The shidduch crisis started in the 21st century with the use of internet and smart phones.

I’m so sick of everyone whining and complaining.
Just stick a few 100 single young men and women in a ballroom at Oholei Torah and let them all figure out over a coffee and danish. If they are not interested in the person they are conversing with move on to the next person.

Addendum to comment #44
July 8, 2013 12:03 pm

Your comments are realistic and solid. I’d add one more qualification to the two you made: in addition to being a best friend to your spouse and an all-around considerate person, a good spouse will also be rock solid reliable, i.e. a word is a word even if it becomes difficult to keep, and a responsibility is a responsibility even if it becomes difficult to shoulder. This means doing one’s very best in areas such as parenting and parnassah; and even while acknowledging that the Ribbono Shel Olam is the ultimate boss, avoiding leaning on this truism as an excuse… Read more »

First of all...
December 19, 2012 10:26 am

If you find someone that you think would be an appropriate match, then that is great! But, because you are slightly blinded to reality, each of you needs to call in someone older and trustworthy in order to make sure that a) this is a good, decent person, and b) this is a person who might make a good match for you. That is what we did. We found each other on a forum, and each of us took someone else to check out the other. (I took my mother – big mistake – she had her own agenda in… Read more »

A child
January 17, 2010 1:37 pm

Children need to learn things when they are young. If not, during the years they gro up they become all confused.

Thank you #91
November 2, 2009 1:27 pm

for once someone is writing what many are thinking! as parents we need to be more involved rather than less. Our children are not street kids. B”H they have parents to turn to. Why don’t we instill a little trust in our children towards their parents? You claim the system is failling? You are right! Years ago when the shidduch scene looked different and children trusted their parents there were close to 0% break ups during engagements and a minimal amount of divorces! Don’t you see that in the last 20 years the shidduch scene has turned into a crisis???… Read more »

Utterly confused generation!!!
November 2, 2009 8:57 am

I am utterly disgusted by these comments some worse than the rest!!! Since when is a marriage of list of wants and wishes and something that its architectural drawing is drawn up beforehand and if hadn’t been discussed before or decided upon is inapproachable? Aren’t we supoposed to be mature people, at this stage, who can change their minds, decide later, or see how things work themselves out? If the person you are looking for has good middos, is learning (if that is your requisite) or working, is an honest – well rounded person, and comes from a stable home… Read more »

be glad to help you
August 8, 2009 4:14 am

#88 ……..my name is Mrs. Toby Lieder I am a shadchan, & whenever i can help I will, please contact me if there is anything i can do for you shidduch wise. [email protected]

Re: comment 87
July 30, 2009 1:24 pm

Mrs.Junik missed the girls point , but it seem you have clarified the point very articulately in your comment and then finished off ” vus hakt mehn a chainik” that works both ways.
I believe that everyone can benefit by reading this resource http://shidduchim101.blogspot.com

re:comment 85
July 28, 2009 2:23 am

wow is this a megilah?? btw why are you shy to add your name? whats with us why are we afraid of our own shadow. communism fell doesnt exist anymore. russian pitchfork pesant….please print your name next time….

mrs junik missed the point.
July 28, 2009 2:20 am

you missed the point what this girl is trying to convey. all your trying to do is ideoligy….lets face it im a parent with married and not married kids. kids today are more educated and wordly then we were kids….all kids want is love a decent person and to have a home with shared values…..vus hakt mehn a chainik,,,thats what confuses kids….get a grip!!!

know yourself and flaunt that!
July 27, 2009 1:04 pm

firstly, i’d like to ask everyone to stop being in an illusion. Our ego makes us want to be proud of our spouse(perhaps men more than women). Not only in looks, they just want to feel like they got something special. I’d like to suggest that all people have something special but if you shine in a certain area(be it looks, brains, creativity, ability to get things done), you get noticed. everyone should focus on being 100 percent at what makes them stand out. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most beautiful thing in the world and very… Read more »

anyone agree to this one?
July 27, 2009 11:44 am

“WHAT EVERY GIRL AND BOY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEETING THEIR ZIVUG” AND “WHAT EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW, ABOUT PREPARING THEIR CHILD’S SHIDDUCH” (Written by a well known Shadchan) Come follow me on a journey that will hopefully inspire you, to think and feel a bit more confidently, clearly, and comfortably, when embarking on the ‘shidduch’ scene. Generations ago, the shidduch scene was totally different then it is today. Women looked for a talmid chochom, a good provider, a strong man. Men looked for a warm and nurturing woman, a real aishes chayil that would raise their kids with the warmth… Read more »

to 58 and 59
July 27, 2009 10:12 am

the rebbe shlita is here and you can always ask for a brocho and hadrocho
and the rebbe will find a way to answer you no matter who
because ur in the nation
p.s. its the rebbe shlita

to 82
July 27, 2009 9:09 am

I love you !!! Awesome idea!!

A solution
July 27, 2009 4:23 am

If simple liquids dont always come together, then boys, girls, parents, shadchonim, will never always come together.

A proposal. An open discution in a hall just for girls, a panal of 3 female and 2 male Host/advisors, 1 Chasidish, 1 Modern, 1 Human behavier. host of two young men that can share insight from the modern and chasidish prospective. no parents to say what we think our kids need.

common sense
July 26, 2009 4:28 pm

#71 has some good common sense. Some random thoughts: The “system” is an artificial construct, and it doesn’t work like a factory line. Your bashert may come through a shadchan’s suggestion, through your parent’s suggestion, through a recommendation of your married friend, or even by your noticing the girl/boy from next door and asking your parents/friends/shadchan to look into it for you. If you’re in the parsha, look for your shidduch! Be chassidish, but above all, be yourself. Decide what are the character traits you think make a marriage work, look for those in your shidduch, and above all, develop… Read more »

to #53
July 26, 2009 4:17 pm

Also, how after finding out about each other on our own, going to a shadchan and meeting in a hotel lobby a breach of tznius?

To 53
July 26, 2009 4:15 pm

We didn’t meet on our own. We came to know of each other, out of our own accord, decided to meet and to set up meeting we talked with other people. What’s wrong with finding out about a person proposing it to the right people so it could go through the correct channels?

And a rav? How about a mashpia and parents? Since when do you call a rav about dating…

So Much Experience Already????
July 26, 2009 10:50 am

To 31 and all the interested “parties”. I”m a little confused, to say the least, in the comments made by this young girl. Apparently she has just finished seminary and is already so experienced and knowledgeable and, unfortunately seemingly jaded!! I would be very cautious about
making a Shidduch with this girl – after all where is her intrinisic Emunah in Hashem and her own parents??? From a mother who, G-d willing, will soon be looking for her own daughter and, by the way, who’s daughter is truly “disgusted” by this girl’s cockiness and attitude.

to 75
July 26, 2009 9:43 am

and that is why we have rules of tznius – to safegaurd our natural tendencies

July 26, 2009 9:34 am

Number 74 writes, “I dont know what catagory girl you are . . “, well I dont know what kind of catagory girl the person who wrote her comment, is, either, but what on earth makes you think that she is one “lone voice” out there???????? Too many of us have been there too, its because we come under the title of ”older single”, that the world at large LOOK for what to find and tear everything about us apart; surely it depends WHO it is that gives you ”the not enough positive info?? Of course if its from a… Read more »

re #29
July 26, 2009 9:27 am

“Dating is very hard, that is the way Hashem set it up! It is not the fault of our system.”
Excuse me Hashem did not create our shidduch system, he created a natural attraction between men and women.

To 68, 72 & 73
July 26, 2009 5:28 am

To #68….I’m not gonna make any judgments about what category girl I think you are but I can talk for myself as a guy who B”h gets enough names of girls. In the current typical Shidduch system you can’t really “just meet a girl” you have to (sometimes travel, then) go out for a few hours…then most say you should go out twice. Meanwhile you’re paying for the dates, some people rent a car some people cancel other business or pleasure. Why would I do that just to “meet” someone whom I’ve not heard enough positive info about especially if… Read more »

Are there really more girls than boys?
July 26, 2009 2:28 am

Or as an article in Neshai Chabad sxplained beutifly – since Chabad (and all frum ) are growing every year so evry years class is bigger than the grade older there are more 19-20 year old girls than 23-24 year old boys….

Solution? Boys should start marrying girls closer to their own age to aliviate the “age gap”. Refer to Neshei Chabad article for more detalied explanation.

July 26, 2009 2:10 am

When you say true networking event, do you refer to a lubavitch only singles event? It’s high high time something like this is done. If yes, I’m with you!!

Years ago people where able to ‘meet’ at shabbos tables, or other casual events. And then go out on proper shiduch dates. Today, its a ‘girls only meal’ or a ‘boys only meal’! Why?!
We dont even allow for a possibility of interaction.

Mother of Boys
July 25, 2009 11:33 pm

To all of you who want to change the system: don’t look for anyone named “they” to do it. YOU do it. If you want classes for singles, hire a teacher and pay for advertising. Charge money for the classes. If you want a new shadchan, tell someone that is competent that you will pay them to find you a shidduch. There is no one giving out shadchan licenses but if you want to start certifying shadchanim, form a group of qualified mental health and PR professionals, form a program, charge money and certify them. The “thems” and “theys” in… Read more »

flatbush smicha
July 25, 2009 10:23 pm

I have a friend who learnt in flatbush and he said that towards the end of the year the mashpia gave a few shiurim on shiduchim . I wish that I could have been there.

to #24
July 25, 2009 9:49 pm

what r u talking about?? there are just as much girls with toichen, not rich, and not size 2 girls getting engaged. you mean to say you know every singel girl personally as to know if she is rich and has toichen? or you just listen to a lot of gossip.

Kudos to No;51 !!!!!!
July 25, 2009 9:19 pm

“Dont let other peoples opinions make your decisions for you” You cant imagine how true this is unfortunately. Especially among the older singles. . . and ESPECIALLY amongest the boys!! BOYS, Don’t let what you may HEAR about a girl, from a friend who previously dated her. . . make or break your decision. . YOU have to meet her and see for YOURSELF. . each one of us views people differently. and yes, what may have been been totally off the track for your friend, may be JUST what you were looking for, or may need in a girl.… Read more »

Time For New Shadchonim
July 25, 2009 8:02 pm

The time has come to encourage new shadchonim to enter our system. Shadconim who will be full time shadconim and charge an initial nominal fee and a small fee for each suggestion that results in a date. Our new shadchonim should have an organized way of keeping track of their notes, should be responsible to return phone calls in a timely fashion as well as own a cell phone. Also most importantly they will try to give parents names that correspond closely to what was asked for. Hopefully, shadchonim will be happy to call each other to see if they… Read more »

To 35
July 25, 2009 5:34 pm


July 25, 2009 5:13 pm

you keep talking about improving the system… BUT HOW????????????

At least chabad is better off than other branches...
July 25, 2009 4:54 pm

What’s the worst and most depressing thing? Hearing girls in their late 20’s, FFB and BT’s going to orthodox SINGLE PARTIES set up by shadchans! what has this world coming to? And we are not talking about secular girls by any means… I, being the only chabadnik in the group say, “so… you’re saying its 20 guys, 20 girls… i dont get it.. you girls went to seminary… tell me… how is this tznius??” (by the way this conversation took place in front of one of the FFB girls mothers) So the girls response to me was “Nah, it’s fine..… Read more »

Kop Doktar
July 25, 2009 4:28 pm

The shidduch system has been around for thousands of years. Moshe Rabbenu was set up to meet Tziporah at the well. Yaakov Oven’u was set up to meet Rochel. They all used shadchanim. Therefore, the shidduch system is our tradition. Stick with tradition – if it worked for them it will work for us. And if you believe this, I would like to sell you a bridge real cheap…

It's easy to blame "the system,"....Your right the system is partially at fault
July 25, 2009 3:49 pm

Mrs.Junik should really look good at the system – it is not w/o flaws and the girl in the article is correct in the aspect that if we want to help the young singles to look in the right way and for the right things – education is the key and the system is what is supposed to provide the education. Lets stop ignoring the glaringly apparent truth, More educated singles with the right information , hopefully less divorces and better marriages. There is nothing wrong with setting up classes for , girls and bochurim -who in my opinion are… Read more »

July 25, 2009 3:05 pm

It is incredible the way people have their minds distorted completely………….
American society influence…
well, people wake up at some point, hopes are just that it is not to late..

Beyond baffled
July 25, 2009 7:29 am

Firstly – I find it exceedingly offensive that the English language is being so battered and massacred.

Secondly – It seems that the ‘experts’ have forgotten that the system has worked with tremendous success for the majority of participants. Those that feel, after seeking advise, that this system is not for them, good for you and much success. I am therefore disgusted that those people than have the audacity to blame their differences on a thriving system.

Moshe L

July 25, 2009 4:36 am



Whats wrong with the system in gimel tamuz !
July 24, 2009 1:02 pm

34 years ago, my brother in law to be suggested a name. A letter into the Rebbe zya was the first step, a second letter after the first date was the second, and a letter asking reshus to get married after the third date was step three.
How could we go wrong wth the Rebbe’s constant hadrocho?

Ban the system
July 24, 2009 11:58 am

It’s time to stop labeling and blaming. unfortunately the tznius in our neighborhood is despicable. and when the young marrieds who turn untzniusdik because now they don’t have to put on a show for a shidduch, see their children grow up doing a zillion times worse things than what they themselves are doing now, they should know that they have only themselves to blame. THAT is the result of their “free and easy” lack of tznius lifestyle! It is my guess that the so called chasidishe bochurim (?) whose requirements are “size 2 & beautiful” are the same Yungeleit whose… Read more »

montreal sem
July 24, 2009 11:54 am

if you are so worried about not learning shidduchim, and yichud classes go to sem beis in montreal they have amazing teachers there!!!

Lost ... anyone with me ?
July 24, 2009 10:50 am

I know Mrs Junik, and have respect for the woman that she is… but i must disagree with a few of her points; firstly your attitude towards the secular disproves your point… they dont all do it for fun , and some of them are indeed serious beings( yes they are capable of being serious…. its not only the frumes) and after weeks of dating they are deep enough to list way more than 3 charachteristics!?! Overall your answer striked me as simple and lacked the depth and understandng that this girl and myself desperately need during our dating time… Read more »

Mrs. Yunik writes well
July 24, 2009 10:47 am

Tzum zach!

To #49
July 24, 2009 10:39 am

Please tell me, how do you know “there is nothing wrong with that”? Have you consulted with a Rav about it?

If you meet on your own, it is certainly still a match, but with an unnecessary risk and a breach of Tznius!

If indeed, as you say everything is Hashgocho Protis, then when the opportunity came around, you could have relied on Hashgocho Protis to take its course. If that person is your bashert, then it would have happened in the proper way.

Tu BeAv is coming!
July 24, 2009 10:14 am

Could someone lease explain Why is this called a system and not a “Style of making a shidduch”? What is so different about Lubavitcher chassidim vis-a-vis all the other Shomrei Torah uMitzvois [excluding those who keep only the chosen mitzvois as in the Modern Orthodox movement.]? They have their problems (especially in the Litvishe velt where money plays a very serious role – for lifetime-kollel), but I am totally unaware of any system bashing in these circles. What has transpired here? Where does this concept of “my bashert” [that girls in particular refer to] Where does it come from? The… Read more »

There got to be a change that make sense!!!
July 24, 2009 9:51 am

I think that there is room for both world in any jewish orthodox community and the C”H community if no deferent Some of us may have great success finding a mate on theyr own (with help of friends family and networking) some may find better success going though “professional” match maker” I don’t know if there is an exact science to predict which way will work best for who but i guess if you don’t try you will never know So my advice to all the boys nd girls is to let your parents know exactly who you are and… Read more »

to #24
July 24, 2009 9:46 am

that is so not true! why would u make such a generalization?!?! think b4 u make such a statement in the future!

To author
July 24, 2009 9:33 am

You should never make someone feel guilty for meeting someone on their own. I met my chosson on my own. It wasn’t what either of us was planning on doing, and at first I felt terribly guilty. I was afraid to tell my “advisors.” I was embarrassed (when all we did on our own was decide we wanted to meet each other and date properly). You know what? We’re Jews and we believe in hashgacha protis so who are we to say “Oh the shachan didn’t propose it so obviously it’s not a match.” No a shadchan didn’t propose it… Read more »

To # 44
July 24, 2009 9:32 am

You say the most important thing is that she/he is a mentch and a nice person. but who will the mean people get married to?

To # 8
July 24, 2009 9:06 am

You are 100% right and any guy who is dating knows that you write the truth.

Life Coach for Singles
July 24, 2009 8:58 am

It’s amazing how much anger and intense feeling is brought out here. Kudos to the people who can express their emotions about the “system.” First you have to identify the problem. This is why I run these groups. I am NOT a shadchan, but there is so much to say that gets lost in translation. Like-minded young women (so far groups only for girls) find it much easier to be open with each other. Hatzlachah to you all. And to the writer, don’t let anyone stifle your voice. I wish you great happiness and hatzlachah.

to the author
July 24, 2009 8:51 am

Good for you for writing this op-ed. even if some of the commenters, including myself, don’t necessarily agree with you on all the points you mention, still, you had the confidence to bring this up, and start a conversation here, which will hopefully lead to positive results in people’s way of thinking. I agree entirely that classes on this topic should be taught to both boys and girls. I’m surprised though, that you say you weren’t taught this in seminary very much. Being that seminary is the last structured class setting for girls before they get married, when else should… Read more »

to # 31
July 24, 2009 8:30 am

Your letter sure has people hopping,but there are some points I am not finding in all the comments I want you to take these words to heart for “Dvarim Hayotzim min Haleiv Nichnosim …” You need to sit down a write yourself a list of your top 20 priorities of what you want in a spouse and what you can not imagine living without, then strike off 10, then strike off another 5. and then you can strike off 3 more because there are only 2 things you need in a spouse that encompass everything you will deal with in… Read more »

Agree with number 36
July 24, 2009 8:28 am

As a slightly older girl , I have finnaly come to realization (unfortunatly it took so long) that you really need to have Bitachon. I am perfectly “normal” , come from a good family, and Chassidish. There is nothing stopping me. The bottom line is that Hashem is in charge and not the Shadchente. Something will happen when He decides and there is no reason to panick. I highly recommend all singles, their parents, and every one else out there to learn about Emuna and Bitochan and actually start thinking along the lines. This is the stage in life where… Read more »

to #21
July 24, 2009 8:26 am

I disagree, family is not the most important. People may the product of a family, but at the end of the day, are individuals.

To #15
July 24, 2009 8:11 am

Very well said!!!!
People are created by hashem the way we are naturally and it wont change, obviously we all want someone good looking, even though personality is wayy more important, its just the way hashem created us that the first thing that attracts us is looks, unless you have spent enough time to discover their inner quality’s. So why do people get disappointed when someone wont go out with someone if they dont like how he/she looks in the picture rather then get into an awkward moment to get out of??

to num 34
July 24, 2009 8:02 am

You cant compare older singles looking to get married and wanting a commitment to young high school kids looking for fun .Older singles have been through years of dating, are burnt out, emotionlly exhusted from having to rely on shadchanim and friends who forget they even exist, and therefor might be beneficial to have oppertunities where they can sit and talk in a matture and tachlis way. yes yes yes, I know many people don’t agree with this “secular immoral ” way of thinking but those who think like that can’t even begin to comprehend the pain of being alone… Read more »

July 24, 2009 7:54 am


To 29
July 24, 2009 7:51 am

I’m so happy you’re married so I don’t have to worry about possibly marrying someone with a warped mind like yours…especially since you considered yourself open-minded

Ps when you’re ready to swim the atlantic give me a call

July 24, 2009 7:45 am

Although the system will not change from these articles, as a single, it is nice to read comments from others going through similar difficulties.

right shidduch, right time
July 24, 2009 7:38 am

There are many of us out there who have the right hashkufos, know who we are and what we are looking for, have been dating for a while and are still not married. Just as we will each find “the right one” for us, it is also important to realize that there is also a right time for each of us to find our partner. Yes we have to do our part, but when the time comes we will find our bashert.

July 24, 2009 7:30 am

al dis caments wer prably riten by gerls cuz we bois dunt now how 2 rite

A better idea for #23
July 24, 2009 7:15 am

Why wait for the boys and girls to grow old and only then put them all in a room? Let them learn together in high school and have mix yeshivas!

Better yet, let the boys and girls find their shidduch at the young age of 3!

Number 8
July 24, 2009 7:01 am

I completely agree with you

Oddsrise as expectations drop
July 24, 2009 6:58 am

To echo #13, the system, such as it is, works fairly well for people who are uncomplicated, have few expectations, and toe the line (of Chabad chassidishkeit) fully. For anyone else, the odds of finding a good (i.e. viable, lasting) shidduch are minimal. This is my opinion, based on my personal experience.

VERY impressed!!
July 24, 2009 6:53 am

finally some words of wisdom from sarah junik..

Chinuch, chinuch, chinuch!
July 24, 2009 6:44 am

Parents must talk to their children about life. These issues should be discussed starting from Bar/Bat Mitzvah age. Discussions should be held in school and camp, starting with high school age. Good communication is the key. Parents must be really involved in the shidduch process. They should be good examples of Bitachon that Hashem has someone for every one. It is important to be positive and optimistic, and use good old common sense. Friends and relatives should make it a priority to help out those whose parents can’t do the job–in fact, they should help out everyone with this important… Read more »

To #12
July 24, 2009 6:33 am

Shame on YOU!!! If you indeed dated for 2 years as you say you did, then you did something wrong – you could have been married to her for an additional 1 and 3/4 years! I wouldn’t dare to even think how many improper thoughts crossed your mind throughout those 2 years, as it is impossible that they weren’t there. You wasted 1 and 3/4 years of your life for absolutely no reason. Anyone here who thinks that there is a “better way” than our current system is wrong. Exactly as Mrs. Junik said, the reasons for the system that… Read more »

meeting someone on your own
July 24, 2009 6:26 am

when you are young, and you find someone on your own, you don’t have the insight yet to know what marriage and raising children are all about. So you go out and have fun together etc. etc.You get married and life starts to get very serious, and all of a sudden you are jolted into reality. If you both come from frum and chassidishe homes,it’s very easy to get back into it,because your education and true chassidishe values are deep inside of you, you just have to bring it out, so the couple grows back into it together. If one… Read more »

to #18
July 24, 2009 6:07 am

great comment!!! NOT!!!!! WHAT DOES “TZNIYUS STANDARDS GOING DOWN” HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WITH DIFFICULTIES IN SHIDDUCHIM”???? your theory is way off. tzniyus in our community may be a major issue. but does that mean that chassidishe girls like myself who are having a hard time getting a date forget getting married are having it hard because of tzniyus. there are girls in our community who walk around the streets barely half dressed, literally. and women who walk around in their houses with their hair uncovered… and i wont continue, who got married and are doing just fine SEEMINGLY.… Read more »

Ha ha
July 24, 2009 6:07 am

To #15 i’m laughing so hard because i also was taught in sem that “men are animals make sure you feed them” i remember asking the teacher (a man) if he really thought of men that low? He turned to me and said “wait till you’re married, don’t ask your husband anything when he comes home before he’s eaten something”

to #14
July 24, 2009 5:52 am

I am b’h happily married for 23 years and all my siblings are happily married too. but before we were married and when our friends and cousins were in the process, i often heard people joke around how things would be so much easier if all the boys and all the girls were put in a room and found their mates that way. we laughed then but today it might not be a bad idea, especially for the older singles.

to number 17
July 24, 2009 5:48 am

you are so wrong. ask any shadchun and the first question is size of girl. the mothers of the boys want size 2 and that is why this poor girl is so confused. Also look at alot of the girls getting engaged, they are size two with money and very little toichen.

the system?
July 24, 2009 5:41 am

can someone please explain me what “the system” is

It's not the system that is at fault but rather the people in the system.
July 24, 2009 5:38 am

It’s not the system that is at fault but rather the people in the system.

July 24, 2009 5:38 am

Dont marry someone for looks!!

A wise person once said: Women marry men hoping they will change and they dont, while men marry women hoping they wont change and they do!

“Sheker Hachayn” is a FACT, not an ideal.

The important things are CHARACHTER, FAMILY, and LIFE GOALS. The rest means nothing in real life!
Kids, ask anyone who is married they will tell you that!

clearly not in touch with the realities of today
July 24, 2009 5:30 am

Maybe somebody with their finger on the pulse can address these issues; in a kind, compassionate, respectful and validating way.

by: match made in heaven 17 years ago

So, you actually did it
July 24, 2009 5:19 am

Hey 31, Nice to see that you went ahead and wrote the op-ed like you said you would. The reason many guys don’t know how to behave on dates or around girls in general is because they have no experience with that. Their life experience with girls is all about thinking that they’re from another planet…can a few classes really change that? There is nothing that will ensure a good shidduch. Being the best person you can be will help ppl like you and therefore boost your chances. The reason peoples’ self-made shidduchim work is because that’s how the world… Read more »

I have my own theory
July 24, 2009 4:12 am

Does something maybe have to do with the standards of tznius going down (tight shirts, short skirts, no socks) with difficulty in shidduchim? (obviosly all of us affecting each other as a klal, not that only those that are careful get married)

Toichen more than looks
July 24, 2009 4:05 am

What you need help with is realiziing that men are not dying to marry you just because you are size 2 and attractive. If you think that those are your selling points, it’s time to realize that men are not so shallow. They are looking for someone with good middos and toichen, a good wife and mother . Not someone who walks down the street and thinks all the guys eyes are on her.

A Valid Point
July 24, 2009 3:36 am

Kids who have very involved parents who are teaching guiding and discussing Torah values will have it. Those that don’t, rely on our school system which may be doing too little too late. Many issues of yichud, tznius, and even Taharas Hamishpocha should ideally begin in high school if not even in elementary at Bas Mitzva age. We should be reaching kids when they are receptive and eager.

No need for Classes
July 24, 2009 3:36 am

Bochurim never had Classes on Shiduchim, and the ones in Seminary are all such BS, like just make sure ur husband has dinner when he gets home from work, cause men are animels and they need food to keep them in a good mood ( i heard that from a girl in sem, that was tought that) i think classes would be a great thing, but dont blame anything on not getting classes look at all the ppl who never had classes and still managed to date just fine and get married, i am not the most Chassidishe Boy, i… Read more »

I challenge you!!!!!
July 24, 2009 3:18 am

Wow, is for starters, after reading this it made me feel very unez on the inside, here I’m stuck right in the heart of things, I understand 100% where this girl is coming from, I myself have a brother “on the market” and several close family friends whom are having the same issues, I think a big credit due is to the parents of these guys and girls whom say no to every name, since “they” don’t see it fit, they are pushing their kids more and more to pick someone whom they like, I hate to say this its… Read more »

my opinion
July 24, 2009 3:02 am

the system works for truly chassidishe people through and through. you can’t sit on both sides of the fence. the system does not work for ‘modern’ people. if you have ANY secular influence IT DOES NOT WORK.

Broken System
July 24, 2009 2:47 am

There is nothing wrong with this girl. Shame on you to even try to paint her that way. I for one found my wife through a freind we dated for two years and are bh happy with two great kids. This system is broken and archaic. Young lady, wake up and realize that you are part of a system which is full of BS and corrupt, run by dictators and elitists. If you want to be happy dont rely on a system with such an incredibly high failure rate do whatever you can to go get your man!

DIY vs "The system"
July 24, 2009 2:42 am

The “system”. I am a girl who has been “on the market” for a while now. I come from a kind, loving, caring, supportive and giving family.. I grew up in an environment that was and is filled with Torah, Chassidus and a love of chabad – Lubavitch. Me, I have to say thank g-d those traits were instilled in me. iI you ask around what you will hear is, well that they have never heard of me or my family, that we are “nobody’s”. In addition to this, when making calls my parents have started coming across people on… Read more »

This is garbage
July 24, 2009 2:38 am

“The system” is a non existant thing, there is no system and all of the shadchanim and such are for the most part full of themselves Educators avoid this subject for one reson, they have no idea what to teach. There are no guidlines, no written instructions…ohh yes and the attractiveness, it is important since after all we all know that “personality” will not supply the physical part of the marrige or at least in most cases So instead on trying to chage the nature of the world and lecture (talk town) at people i submit to the “expert” here… Read more »

July 24, 2009 2:35 am

What system?

Mother of Boys
July 24, 2009 1:56 am

You want to know if boys or girls know what they are looking for. I have read numerous girl’s resumes. Girls can be quite stubborn and unyielding about what they want and this does not always change as they get older. Let me tell you examples: A girl whose resume stated that she wanted an open-minded boy, turned down such a boy because he liked sports. What was her definition of “open-minded”? One would think that she was looking for a “chilled” boy when she actually was looking for one who was very chassidshe. Another example: A girl aged 19… Read more »

machon lehoraa graduate
July 24, 2009 12:58 am

as a pretoria smicha program graduate i just wanted to let u know that what you are saying is not entirely i true in our program we had a few courses at the end of the year on dating and shiduchim which were very usefull and neccessary and also opened up an opportunity to ask questions and be able to ask questions to the rabbi in the future – i feel this is exactly what we need and more smicha programs should be encouraged to do so

bad response
July 24, 2009 12:03 am

Sara Junik’s response is quite a disappointing depiction of the exact issues we’re faced with. With all due respect, I felt it ignorant and neglectful of the genuine issues raised by the commenter, and essentially chasing its tail. One of the basic issues is that our education system ignores the inner self, so young people get lost in a confusing space where they can’t figure themselves out, and have little to no access to a rich and meaningful emotional world. Obviously, it becomes difficult to know what one wants, or how to behave under unfamiliar circumstances. To suddenly try to… Read more »

July 23, 2009 11:40 pm

why do you assume that every person dating out of the system is so immature and that their dating must be for ‘fun’?! on the ‘what are bochurim thinking’ op-ed one ‘shadchan’ wrote that one of the problems is that parents aren’t ‘real’ about their kids. or that thing about more ‘good’ girls than boys or some other gibberish garbage! basically how nobody doing the looking for you actually has any clue of what they are doing, not your parents (as that ‘shadchan’ pointed out) and not the shadchan (as is clear from the observations s/he makes) so why dont… Read more »

now what
July 23, 2009 10:46 pm


"seem happy"
July 23, 2009 9:29 pm

your words speak for themselves!!! You NEVER know what is going on in someone else’s marriage… More often than not these couples who met on the own have a more difficult time being happy later.

a frustrated neshamah
July 23, 2009 9:18 pm

whats bothering this girl is something a lot deeper. as sarah junik points out, the first things she has described herself as is her looks, which goes to show that she has much learning to do herself before she starts giving solutions. she has not described specific problems with our system,. even though it might be very flawed. she just sounds very very frustrated about lots of other things, and therefore this is the new outlet to let out all of our frustration on. as educators, if someone after going through the entire system is questning why they should not… Read more »

July 23, 2009 9:15 pm

Wow! It is so refreshing to hear somebody finally writing with a clear, chasidishe approach. There is one thing that bothers me, though. While we had some sort of “bayis yehudi” class in seminary, nobody systematically educated us about shiduchim. Yet, somehow, most of my friends and I seemed to figure out the proper approach. I believe that it is the result of a chasidish upringing and education. Someone with the right attitude toward life has the right attitude toward shiduchim. As for the details, we all nervously learned through the Rebbe’s letters before the first time we went out,… Read more »