Create Account
ב"ה
Friday, 22 Av, 5779
  |  August 23, 2019
    < >

    ‘Taking a Break From Dating’

    From the COLlive inbox: A mother of 2 single girls has had it with the washed-up excuse from older bochurim for not dating. Full Story

    19 Striking Photos of the Rebbe

    Next Story »

    Gifts For Slain Military Families

    98
    Opinions and Comments

    To keep track of your comments, follow a conversation or flag a comment Login
    avatar
      Subscribe  
    newest oldest most voted
    Notify of
    rediculous
    Guest
    rediculous

    seems these guys just dont want to date your daughters for whatever reason and probably the excuses are rather stupid but I wouldn’t even give these guys another moment. Move on is right. Why even care about these individuals who obviously have commitment or mommy issues.and who knows what other issues.So why focus on them?Or if they are not interested in you,then the whys do not matter.There have to be many more suitable men out there.

    Why are those girls still single?
    Guest
    Why are those girls still single?

    Is the mother aware of the reasons why her daughters are still single? Was the mother overly picky until now? Are the girls picky? Bochurim know which people to stay away from. Maybe it’s time the mom changed her attitude?

    first a mom then a shadchan
    Guest
    first a mom then a shadchan

    i get both sides. as a mom, i see my kids are just so burnt out because they are looking for something that they had at home and don’t see out there so much really. as a shadchan, i see the boys and girls are so sick and tired. they don’t know what to do to make it happen anymore. if the boy wants to continue, the girl doesn’t and versa visa. it’s hard out there no matter what but the trick is not to drag your feet, not to look for the impossible and to be real to yourself… Read more »

    Option
    Guest
    Option

    I know a 26 year old Bochur going on 27 in a few months who is open to dating. I don’t know what the proper way to contact me would be but if you are open to emailing me please email [email protected]

    Another reason....
    Guest
    Another reason....

    The thing is I don’t think it’s necessarily taking a break. A lot of guys are successful has friends as girls. They have the best of both worlds. That is just the excuse they are telling their mothers or shadchanim. they don’t need to commit long term to anyone. Girls are making it easy for boys these days. So why settle and get married and have to commit??? When life is good single…

    Agree 100%
    Guest
    Agree 100%

    Agree 100%

    Sharing a thought
    Guest
    Sharing a thought

    Although if the case is as you put it, your response is quite real and logical.

    On the flip side maybe it’s the other sides polite way of saying no….

    There’s a big world, with a lot of guys, it’s never good to get stuck and have a hang up on indaviduals..

    Hatzlacha!

    100% - keep on going!
    Guest
    100% - keep on going!

    The Rebbe says “Machzir achar aveidoso” – ” To look like one looks for a lost object.” Besides for all the segulos (yiras shomayim, tzedoka to achnasas kalla etc) one needs to be very pro-active, this is part of the keili too!

    amen to the Simchas....
    Guest
    amen to the Simchas....

    Their could be another total different reality why this boy is not dating…Don’t give up, the true Bochu(rim) who wants to live a life of Torah Mitzvohs, free of the terrible influences will show up soon.
    May you marry off both your daughters this year!

    Dating?
    Guest
    Dating?

    Maybe, you shouldn’t be so desperate to push your daughters into a loveless marriage, just for the sake of marriage?? Maybe, this is your problem that you should deal with.

    A Bocher Ready to Go Out
    Guest
    A Bocher Ready to Go Out

    I have a bocher who is not interested in taking a’break” and is
    willing to go out with someone who is suitable for him.
    contact [email protected]

    awesome dude
    Guest
    awesome dude

    I know a 28 year old bochur going on 22….. 🙂
    contact [email protected]

    Dear Miriam
    Guest
    Dear Miriam

    The answer is very simple. Start looking into younger guys.

    Chabad boys are completing the system earlier these days and are thus maturing, on a worldly level, much quicker. There are 21-22 year-olds ready to date girls aged a few years older than them.

    Believe me, it’s true.

    Why limit a girl’s prospects due to her age..?

    Wish you all the best with your princesses.

    ch resident
    Guest
    ch resident

    i just want u to know that a lot of the time the boy knows nothing about the shidduch and the shadchan is the one that is saying these things. This is what a shadchan is all about. Another thing the shadchanim would say is if ur daughter doesnt want this boy then she will never get married. I think its about time something is done about this. to #2 if someone is not married when she is 22 doesnt mean she is picky. It could be that whoever she went out with were just not shayach. Every person is… Read more »

    Sorry about the delay
    Guest
    Sorry about the delay

    My wife was suggested to me 5 years earlier but I was not willing to travel. I felt bad 5 years later for the delay … but it was all Bashert. Check out mendy pelin’s vidio “turned down for what”

    well written
    Guest
    well written

    i cannot agree more, thanks for putting it out there

    positive attitude
    Guest
    positive attitude

    you gotta find that guy who is willing to go out with your daughter
    …. don’t spend time rebuking boys who are on vacation …. …… not worth your energy
    have faith in hashem – it is all about timing
    the right boy will want to date your daughter at the right time
    if he does not want you then you do not want him

    oh please
    Guest
    oh please

    stop trying to control everyone around you. no one has to date just because you say “date”. I am an older single girl and I take breaks. Yes, I want to get married, but I am not sitting around waiting for that to happen. I have a busy, full, successful, fulfilling life in many ways (b”h!) and I hate when people like you insinuate that I have no right to take a break. I would much rather wait to date a guy who took a break while he was busy with the rest of his life, than date a guy… Read more »

    Other side of the story
    Guest
    Other side of the story

    I am a 29 year old bochur from a very frum family. I have both a yeshiva and a secular education. I am not married because I acted inappropriately when I was younger. There is no way I could date or marry a frum girl without exposing my extended family to the ridicule and shame that I brought upon myself. It was deemed best that I avoid dating so my nieces and nephews (over 20 so far) can have a shot at getting a decent shidduch without having my negative actions hanging over my family’s reputation. Once a bochur does… Read more »

    We got caves
    Guest
    We got caves

    I do this all the time! You think you just “go out”? Cuz your supposed to get married? And because your daughters clock is ticking? we guys have a right to go into our cave just as your daughter has the “right” to her woman stuff. When I feel the right one in the right time will come then I will date her. You guys don’t get it. Us guys don’t run our lives based on your daughters biological clock. We run it on our own clock. Their are always more girls popping up in the market its like a… Read more »

    pulease!
    Guest
    pulease!

    Really? As a single guy kinda in that situation, my message is to bug off. We’ll date & get married when we want to. Nothing good will come out of you forcing a guy to date your daughter. In the right time, the right guy will come around. Until then, lay off blaming guys for having lives outside dating!

    WOW #19
    Guest
    WOW #19

    That’s intense! The courage it takes to sacrifice your life for everyone else. I don’t even know how to respond or what to say. There is someone out there for you too…I sure hope so. I wish you all the brochos in finding your way in life, a way that makes you happy and fulfilled. Sending good thoughts and tefillos your way.

    livibg with the time- the parsha time
    Guest
    livibg with the time- the parsha time

    Amram quit, took a break and…. the rest is history

    2 comment 18
    Guest
    2 comment 18

    So how about a break & wait till ur 40 !! How’s that !!

    A few random pointers
    Guest
    A few random pointers

    There are plenty of bocherim and girls that barley get any or no suggestions.

    The few suggestions…can in many cases be completely not shayich….We all know about them.

    Dating can be very emotionally (and in some cases, even financially) draining.

    What happened to...
    Guest
    What happened to...

    …Yiras Shomayim? Was it lost somewhere along the way, from Samarkand to Brooklyn? To wit: Is there anyone who still believes that the shadchan is just a golem, merely a shliach to mention this name for that name. Where did the idea originate? In the not-very-deep recesses of the shadchan’s mind? As it says in the Chumash with Rivka’s shidduch “ki mey Hashem yatza hadavar.” When a suggestion came up for my children, the first order of business was to investigate. In the absence of any reason of substance why not this shidduch, we went to the next step –… Read more »

    Number 19
    Guest
    Number 19

    Why would dating mean having to expose your history?

    to number 8
    Guest
    to number 8

    not sure it was the rebbe that said that one, but believe it is in gemara kiddushin…

    what a shame
    Guest
    what a shame

    It seems pretty clear that the author has yet to even take a glimpse at Rabbi dovvvs book on successful dating tips. He says pretty clearly that the only way to properly date is not to turn down for anything even if that includes age differences or alleged bad behavior.

    Next time read before you post

    I understand the pain of # 19.
    Guest
    I understand the pain of # 19.

    Even though we as a family are not involved in any such problems. I know that there are a lot of people with similar problems. I am sure you will find the right person for yourself Iyh very soon. Dont give up.
    Good Luck.

    to #19
    Guest
    to #19

    Nothing should disqualify you from living a meaningful life. Nothing. Every human being makes mistakes and big ones. Its only a matter of what kind, when, where and what the correction requires. The facades of propriety and reputation that govern this process for some are toxic to the very notion of building a healthy relationships and a bi’nyan adai ad. Everyone with common sense and some life experience knows that chitzoniousdik charachteristics do not reveal the truth at all of what is going on in someones inner life. Everyone, aside for bonified Tzaddikim, is a Bal Teshuva. If someone thinks… Read more »

    A girl who understands
    Guest
    A girl who understands

    To #19 we all have a past, some more scandalous than others but if you’ve rise above it and truly have changed I don’t see the problem of shiduchim accepting you as a prospect for a girl on the same chasidish level as you. Your not doing your family a favor by marrying a goye or not marrying at all. Im sorry but your family’s reputation shouldn’t come between you and your happiness. I’m sure they want you to be happy and you deserve to be happy. Any girl would be crazy to not want someone who owns up to… Read more »

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    U sound honest, sincere and repentant but way too harsh on yourself. Baali teshuva Can be from a frum background too. Please do not give up on getting married! There are plenty girls with a history too . Yes the frum world maybe unforgiving but I can’t believe that there won’t be one lovely girl with the intelligence and kindness to see past ur background which I’m sure has effected u I to being the thoughtful and kind person u seem now.
    A mother of 4 ( young ) kids sending u all the best !

    Shidduch crisis?
    Guest
    Shidduch crisis?

    It’s called the law of diminishing returns.

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    It’s impossible that you could have done something so bad as to deny you happiness and a chance to make something of yourself for the rest of your life. That is not the Torah way and if your family think it is then they are wrong. It doesn’t matter what you did. A person can *always* do Teshuvah. There is ALWAYS a way back. This is not just a concept in Chassidut, there are so many examples in Tanach – take David HaMelech, for one – look what he did. Even if you had murdered someone there would be some… Read more »

    THE SOLUTION
    Guest
    THE SOLUTION

    There are many BT men out there that are just a little older and more mature whom really would be appreciative of a younger wife to begin their life with. These men are proven to be great husbands and fathers. Give it a chance. : )

    as a mom
    Guest
    as a mom

    I think when your told a bochur is taking a break, it’s a different way of them telling you “it’s not shayich”!

    to #20
    Guest
    to #20

    and what you said is exactly the problem. girls are always popping up.
    a 27 yr old man will always have more choices “popping up.” A 27 yr old girl will have lost her chance if all the 27 yr old boys like you are on a break when she should be dating.

    To number 7
    Guest
    To number 7

    An 18 year old single boy from a good family disappeared for a few days. After a few days he comes home upset and lost in thought, but with shining eyes. Mom: Where on earth were you? Boy: Don’t ask … Mother: Well, I do ask, tell me, what happened? Boy: I don’t know where to start… Mother: From the beginning, where did you disappear to on Sunday morning? The boy scratching his forehead and get serious: Erm … we’ll start with this, I shot someone to death. Mother drops to the chair: What??? You shot someone? I don’t understand… Read more »

    to # 19
    Guest
    to # 19

    Your post was one of the saddest I’ve ever read. I am sure Yom Kippur has passed many times since you did whatever it was. Please come back and regain control over what you want your life to be. Every single person on this earth has intrinsic value and how much more so a yiddishe neshama. No one can ever take that away from you or convince you differently. You deserve to and you should raise a beautiful yiddishe mishpacha just like everyone else. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, no one has a slate wiped clean. Everyone is immature at… Read more »

    TO #19
    Guest
    TO #19

    You do deserve to lead a meaningful life just like others! Hashem is always there to accept our teshuvah. Hashem forgives and we can forgive ourselves as well and so can others. Your deep pain is apparent. You have your whole life ahead of you! V’Ahavta L’reiach Comacha, starts with loving the Comacha-yourself and we -fellows need to love you as well. May we hear good news soon from you. You are in my prayers. May Hashem heal your pain. On another note, if a bachur or girl needs a break from dating, in my opinion, they are respecting themselves… Read more »

    Learn from my experience
    Guest
    Learn from my experience

    I came in my 20’s from a Modern Orthodox community to Crown Heights and had a number of guy friends. As soon as I got here I started to realize that keeping in touch with those boys from my past really wasn’t appropriate, especially since most of them still secretly wished to go out with me or were enjoying the male-female dynamics between us, even though it was all only verbal. As soon as I cooled down or cut off those friendships with guys, suddenly I had an overwhelming, powerful urge to get married. Yes, those guy friendships were siphoning… Read more »

    a solution
    Guest
    a solution

    I believe that we need to get guys and girls of these ages into meeting each other in less formal “dating” situations, they are simply not finding it thrilling, fun or interesting.

    Let it even be a shabbos dinner with a few singles hosted by mutual friends.

    hashgacha protis?
    Guest
    hashgacha protis?

    are not chassidim to believe in hashgacha protis??? why the whining??? I am an older single BT. I would like to hear the author discuss inyanim of hashgacha protis and emunah peshuta???

    #19
    Guest
    #19

    My heart goes out to you!
    People are so judgmental and need to look closer within their own four walls. Doesn’t it say in Pirkei Ovos “Al todin es Chavero ad she’tagia limkomo!”
    Please do not give up and keep us posted be it anonymously that you have found your bashert!
    Keep the faith! Hashem has something special in store for YOU!

    Mother of a boy
    Guest
    Mother of a boy

    Dating is expensive. Emotionally draining. Distracting. Frustrating. It’s not that the boys don’t want to get married. It’s that the effort it takes for a bochur is underestimated.
    There is another factor. You may have noticed that Torah commands men to marry. Torah has no such command for women. Why? Because women (for the most part) crave relationships. Want families. Want children. Men were not created with these same drives. Therefore, dating is actually harder for men than for women.

    curious
    Guest
    curious

    are there any older bochurim who are burned out and on a break reading this and thinking sigh ok yeah lets get back in the dating scene.? or are you guys thinking scoff.. this lady has no idea what we are going through.. and leave me alone? wondering if any older bochurim are actually reading this. and to number 37 I’ve been told many times, the bochur is busy right now (when he wasnt, it was an excuse) or even just no its not shayach, but the excuse of im not dating right now? That one makes me shake my… Read more »

    Move On
    Guest
    Move On

    From a shadchan’s experience. he either is just not interested in your daughter. Need to move on.
    Even if he agrees to do you a favor and date, if his mind and heart is not fully open to the suggestion, you are wasting your daughter’s time and will lead to burn out.
    Many of these boys have no clue what they are looking for anymore even though they claim they do.
    Bottom line: Don’t waste your time with guys who are serial daters or rejectors and no one is good enough.

    Dear Mother
    Guest
    Dear Mother

    I hope that you are taking the few suggestions that actually did COME UP ON THIS SITE seriously. Those are the ONLY posts you should be bothering to read, since everyone else is blaming you for one thing or another.
    Good Luck.

    Could it also be...
    Guest
    Could it also be...

    Could it also be, that because the current educational system, not only doesn’t provide career training in any way (with the possible exception being Shlichus, which is now a family-only-business option, and closed to the masses), but even also the basic general-studies skills required for the masses to prosper on a career track (yes I know there are a few uneducated successful Amazon sellers out there…), that it’s now affecting the dating system? Maybe more guys are scared to commit, not knowing how they will support their families with honesty and dignity. The law of unintended consequences… PS: I along… Read more »

    bachur in the parsha
    Guest
    bachur in the parsha

    I would like to bring to your attention that in addition to dating being physically and emotionally draining, for the bachur it is also financially draining and when the bachur keeps on getting rejected because of the hamshachas halev excuse which is often the case, it makes it extremely difficult to go through it again. Ill pay $500 to travel to meet a girl and $100 each date and then get rejected after 5 dates because the girl has a fear of commitment, why should i want to do this again? My heart is not made from iron and i… Read more »

    to number 19
    Guest
    to number 19

    I apologize if this may sound insensitive but if what you did was public to your community then why should dating make that worse? Everyone already knows. Now you are trying to get married. Everyone is entitled to that. And if what you did is not public then why is dating out of the picture for you? No one has to know except your wife and one can argue not even she. You dont need to go around broadcasting what you did. I am so sorry you feel the need to suffer for what you did. Regardless I dont think… Read more »

    to #29
    Guest
    to #29

    As an avid follower of rabbi dovvi I am forced to say that your comment is not in line with the facts. Did u for any moment actually convince yourself that the most highly praised authority on dating would suggest that someone date when they aren’t ready. Its posers like you that give us such a bad name

    Frum Speed Dating
    Guest
    Frum Speed Dating

    I hope an open minded shadchan will read this. Make an over 25 speed dating. There will be 2 shadchanim in the room, and instead of giving the boy or girl your phone number, you can tell the shadchan which boys/girls you were interested in (everyone will be by number only, not name). Then the shadchanim can work on it. If it so emotionally and physically draining to go the traditional route, this may make it easier.

    Here's a possible solutiin
    Guest
    Here's a possible solutiin

    lets go back to marrying the boy next door! All these names and singles from all over the world in lubavitch overwhelms and complicates. In ur own home town ppl know u , seen u grow up, know ur family… Maybe not very glamorous but sure is much cheaper and in my opinion safe! That’s what I will be doing!

    casual meeting is not a solution, #43
    Guest
    casual meeting is not a solution, #43

    I know many people in the Modern Orthodox world who meet in casual situations, like Shabbos dinner. They have a harder time getting married than we do! My friend’s daughter finally met her bashert at a Shabbos table at age 35, and I know many more older singles looking, looking, looking.

    number 19- I get you
    Guest
    number 19- I get you

    You want to be an honest and open person.
    That would involve you telling the girl that you are dating about what happened so that you don’t get married under false pretenses. She in turn, will probs freak out and need to speak to her family about it. What happens next? Will she go through with it coz she really likes you or back away in fear?
    Who knows?

    A girl here
    Guest
    A girl here

    To #19
    This comment will probably get lost amongst the rest. But first of all ouch. I completely understand the pain and I’m currently doing the same but for different reasons. Your comment though is so honest it hit a place in me. Is there a way people like us can date without exposes our serious flaws to the world? If there’s a way then maybe people like us should give dating a try. I really hope you only expirience good and happiness onwards.

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    You sound so tortured and it was painful for me to read. I am wracking my brains to wonder what you did that stops you from ever marrying a frum girl. Drugs? To’eva? Armed robbery? Murder? Addictions? Whatever it was, may I suggest you run to some expert therapist & give yourself a chance. You sound so hard on yourself – I can’t believe you were so wicked that you would deny yourself & a fine young lady the happiness you clearly deserve. No one is that bad a person! I wish you much happiness. PS. Don’t let your parents… Read more »

    Seems a little insensitive...
    Guest
    Seems a little insensitive...

    To the Bochur. A guy does not have to date at your convenience. Like you said, it is mentally exhausting at times. I was in a situation a while back where I had to tell a girl no after a few dates, when I knew that she really thought it was going to work out. She was a great girl that I really cared for, but I knew she wasn’t right for me. It was not easy, and many other people go through similar experiences. It is not easy to bounce right back after an emotional roller coaster like that,… Read more »

    #19
    Guest
    #19

    It pains me so badly to see the judgment people place on others (and themselves). People make mistakes! No-one deserves to be alone or punish themselves forever! The people who deserve you to be in their life wont particularly agree with the mistakes you have made, but they will accept you regardless. I don’t believe that hiding should be the way to deal with life. And no-one should judge other family members by other family members. Why can’t people accept others as an individual? No-one is their brother/sister or cousin! Everyone has a right to live life to the fullest,… Read more »

    saving up
    Guest
    saving up

    After spending $1000 on a girl it takes time to recover financially and to save up for the next one. That what it means he is taking a break

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    Very similar situation here. Move to FL. If you’re gonna be single the rest of your life, you should at least enjoy some good weather. Plus, you’ll be more or less off of people’s radar so you’ll have fewer offers to turn down.

    As an aside, #58 is right. There has to be an alternative dating scene (shadchanim, sites, events) for those who don’t fit the mold.

    #19
    Guest
    #19

    PLEASE GO SPEAK TO SOMEONE. ITS SUCH A GOYISH UNCHASSDISH WAY TO BE TOLD SUCH THINGS. WE LIVE WITH SUCH UNCHASSIDISH WAYS NOWADAYS THATS ITS DISGUSTING. THE MOST CHASSIDISH WAY TO LIVE IS LOVING ANOTHER PERSON. MOSHE RABEINU WAS THANKED BY HASHEM FOR BREAKING THE LUCHOS. ITS WAS THE ULTIMATE ACT OF LOVE FOR ANOTHER. RABBI AKIVA SAID THAT THE WHOLE TORAH IS WRITTEN TO TEACH YOU 1 THING, LOVE ANOTHER. ANY1 SAYING THAT THIS ISNT TRUE, HAS NO CLUE WHAT YIDDISHKEIT AND ESPECIALLY WHAT CHASSIDISHIKEIT IS ABOUT. YOUR SPECIAL JUST LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. THE RECENT TANYA TELLS… Read more »

    To the author:
    Guest
    To the author:

    With all due respect, perhaps your sense of entitlement and bossiness is turning off potential shiduch prospects from dating your daughters…..

    Just a though

    #20
    Guest
    #20

    Your so seriously ridiculously cool man. Go hide in your cave.

    To the author
    Guest
    To the author

    you do not seem to be applying basic chassidic idea of hashgacha protis?!? chumash is full of people having things happen late in life, and so also are plenty of stories in our jewish history up to the present day. everything is not always cookie-cutter. i am very suprised COL would even publish such a letter.

    maybe this is what #19 ......
    Guest
    maybe this is what #19 ......

    Im just wondering if what 19 is saying that people will not usually get is that perhaps he had some goyishe children or something like that and maybe he has to support them and perhaps this is something that will continue for a long time.So maybe he is kind of trapped in a sense and knows full well that he is limited in what he can do.

    To 19
    Guest
    To 19

    Im so glad the woman wrote this article, if only for comment 19 dayenu. I agree with all aforementioned comments who say go for it. You probably need some therapy to regain your self esteem. The rebbes opinion about people with chatas neurim (past daemons), is to stop focusing on it and remove your thoughts totally from them. Your only thoughts must be post chatas neurim so long as you are mentally commited to only leading a healthy lifestyle. Moreso, mr rechnitz, a very kind rich man offered a great incentive to people who help older girls marry. Perhaps you… Read more »

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    I wish you inner peace and happiness. Learn to love and accept yourself, even if that may mean seeking professional help. You’re in my prayers.

    to num 20- the "we got caves"
    Guest
    to num 20- the "we got caves"

    Your attitude is so insensitive
    You say it doesnt matter if you take a break because there will be more, never ending girls popping up on the conveyor belt..
    well guess what? when you decide your break is over will you be dating the new 22 or 23 year old that came up? Or the older 27-28 year old? I can guess… and that 27 year old has completely lost her chance at happiness. No new boys will be popping up for her. Now imagine that 27 year old was your sister.

    Singles Events for older boys and girls
    Guest
    Singles Events for older boys and girls

    Too many boys and girls sit at home waiting for the phone to ring. If you don’t have the right connections or last name dating can be very difficult. So often things seem perfect on paper and all wrong in person. My friend met her husband at singles event. He is 3 years younger then her and not from the perfect family. They would have never ever gone out if they would not have met. There is a shidduch crisis. The way that the shidduch system is working now does not seem to be the solution to the crisis. Is… Read more »

    # 19
    Guest
    # 19

    u seem to have endless mothers feeling so bad for you they all are sure that ashem has someone special in store for you i wonder how many of them are willing to have their own daughters go out with you (not only the girls are picky even the mothers are btw)

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    Don’t know what you’ve done, but seek professional help to get through this rough time. Unfortunately part of Teshuva is facing the consequences of our actions and moving forward. I hope you are able to do this and be bsimcha and certainly have a meaningful life.

    to #39
    Guest
    to #39

    that is amazing!!!

    To all the "informal dating" objectors
    Guest
    To all the "informal dating" objectors

    If you think it is not frum or not Chassidish to speed date, or meet in informal settings, please read up on the minhagim of Tu B’Av, where the single women would go into the field and dance and the single men would choose a wife! Our modern day ideas of tzniyus come from Christian uptight-ness. If we want to be authentically Jewish, let’s reinstitute shidduch searches like Tu B’Av!

    always more girls up and coming
    Guest
    always more girls up and coming

    This is very true! but for all you older men keep in mind your getting older, balder, and grayer! don’t wait too long those younger and older girls will no longer be interested.

    to #73
    Guest
    to #73

    Not only is your comment inapropriate and insensitive, but my guess is that what he did may be less sinful then Loshon Hara that unfortunately is often not taken as seriously as it should be. And yes, there probably are mothers willing to accept him as their son in law. to # 19 I fully agree with most of the supportive comments and want to add that if you consult with a reliable caring Rov, you’ll get Hashem’s opinion on this and if/when you get the grean light , then nothing should stop you from fulfilling your marriage dreams, not… Read more »

    I am #19 poster.
    Guest
    I am #19 poster.

    Thank you #’s 22, 27, 30, 31, 32, 33, 35, 40, 41, 42, 45, 52, 57, 58, 59, 61, 63, 64, 68, 69, 70, 73, and 74 for your responses to my comment. I am the #19 poster and am not quite sure what to say. I responded to the original author because my general observation is that the absence of active leadership is negatively affecting young unmarried adults. Lubavitchers need a married couple that everyone can uniformly agree is balancing ruchniess and gashmius correctly, and appoint them to strengthen, modernize and lead the Tzivos Hashem organization. Remember, all the… Read more »

    Lol
    Guest
    Lol

    looks like the attention was diverted to comment #19, like forget the article. After all, it’s a way more serious, needing to be addressed issue than the one mentioned in the article.

    inspiring
    Guest
    inspiring

    #79 though I didn’t really get where tzivos hashem flew in, u said verynice words

    to #79 aka #19
    Guest
    to #79 aka #19

    Yes I do see the many issues you brought up.Not much different from frum children who have parents who are mod.orth but follow chabad customs etc.You dont think they are alienated and shunned because uh oh the parents are not clones of CH.Yep the children suffer. They are viewed as coming from tainted backgrounds and as long as you have the right name,doesn’t matter what hides in the closet.So hear you,pal.

    #79
    Guest
    #79

    Yeah dude. Not really sure where that came from. May god heal you speedily.

    shidduch
    Guest
    shidduch

    I understand all the comments, and they will go on a long time, because its such a sensitive and hurtful issue. First, never force someone to date your daughter. I pressured a shadchan to make a date, and the guy was so nasty to her, and such a creep, even though everyone thought him a “catch”. 2-encourage your sons not to spend so much money on a date..dont arrange a special flight, etc. its really hard on them..go out maybe for a cup of coffee, just to see if something is there..go real easy and nice. 3-to all the shadchanim… Read more »

    I am #19 / #79 poster.
    Guest
    I am #19 / #79 poster.

    Perhaps I am proving myself a fool, but the original article was directed at unmarried men from frum families such as myself. The article was talking about marriage as an important event in society, and the questions “Why cause her that pain?” and “What is going on with you?” were raised. Why should I hold back my thoughts when the questions are being asked to COL’s general readership? I did not make up the questions nor did I decide who the author’s questions were to be directed at. We all know who the Rebbe was and what his message was,… Read more »

    #77
    Guest
    #77

    makes a lot of sense!

    Broken engagement.
    Guest
    Broken engagement.

    I find all the comments to number 19 interesting. I had a broken engagement at the age of 22. I was told by the shadchan, “You know now that you are damaged goods” I feel so sad for number 19 because lets be honest, we live in a very judgemental community. How many of you would go out with someone with a broken engagement? If number 19 did something really bad, what chance does he really have in our community? Sadly none. BH I am married for 10 years, but after my broken engagement the shidduchim stopped. To number 19.… Read more »

    To #19
    Guest
    To #19

    You don’t mention whether you and your family would accept a BT, I think that would be worthwhile to consider.

    Anonymous:
    Guest
    Anonymous:

    I keep reading these articles and I am completely astounded. I am a young man (29), who – yes – is also burned out of Shidduchim, but none-the-less I keep trying and looking. I have many accomplishments and lots to offer. What my experience has shown me – that until I finally get on a date (Big thing) the girls like me – but want to remain “Friends” – what??? Is this done in the Religious world??? I heard of “friend-zoning” in the non-religious world but here….??? I am VERY interested in dating and I am looking for the right… Read more »

    learn from the parisians
    Guest
    learn from the parisians

    it’s quite simple to see that dating solely through shadchanim is no longer working. If you take a look at the French Jewish Chabad communities, you will see that boys and girls eat at the same table, chat with friends of sisters and brothers, and talk amongst each other in shul— They are not square, yet open minded and still follow the Rebbe’s advice, to the extent that they spend tonz of money to fly in to the ohel for every engagement and to 770 for their ufruf. Somethings got to change in CH, and those families who have already… Read more »

    to #19
    Guest
    to #19

    I am a frum girl around your age. I’d LOVE to meet you.

    To # 90
    Guest
    To # 90

    I have Lubavitch relatives in France and they absolutely do not talk to or mingle with boys!
    Maybe you are talking about certain groups that are becoming more frum, but the Chassidsh Lubavitcher singles from Brunoy, Aubervilliers and probably other areas do not talk or mingle with each other. They are B”H very frum and confident.
    And by the way, to anyone looking for top catches they are seriously the best!!

    Simple Economics
    Guest
    Simple Economics

    I think that there is a systemic problem here that can’t be remedied with the “self-improvement” model. There are simply a lot more girls than boys and this skews the advantage in the dating market toward the men. It is common knowledge that there are more woman available than are men. Why that is, is a separate question, however as the birth ratio of the opposite genders are very close to 1 to 1, I would conjecture that it has to do either with a higher rate of attrition amongst males, and/or a higher join rate amongst females. This, my… Read more »

    Match made in heaven
    Guest
    Match made in heaven

    91+19, please arrange a date 🙂

    Schadchan
    Guest
    Schadchan

    to 91 and 19

    If you’d like to meet , you can both contact me and I’ll be glad to pass on your information.
    [email protected]

    to 91 & 19
    Guest
    to 91 & 19

    the numbers are bashert!!!!!

    coll
    Guest
    coll

    if they get engageed, dont say their names. just say 19 and 91

    West of the Hudson
    Guest
    West of the Hudson

    Send some girls to Seattle. There are many young men who would be happy to have an opportunity to meet a frum young woman and continue to work and live in this small, beautiful community.

    X