Friday, 18 Kislev, 5781
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Sure, He’s a Really Great Guy

SOS Shidduchim: A bochur offers a humorous glimpse into what he thinks when being asked about a friend for a shidduch. Full Story

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To 51
August 28, 2014 7:39 am

Thank you. Well said and practical piece of advise.

Please do NOT try to "read between the lines."
November 13, 2011 12:34 am

I am the type to say what I mean and mean what I say. There’s nothing more aggravating when someone calls me as a reference and keeps trying to probe and probe based on my tone of voice. Some people are great salespeople and will try to convince the caller how wonderful the person is. I may hold highly of someone but not praise them to the skies because it’s just not my style. If you don’t know me and the way I communicate why are you reading into what I said, what I didn’t say and how I said… Read more »

To #81
November 9, 2011 5:59 pm

We are waiting…..
And to #85, I could not agree more!

Wow wow wow
November 9, 2011 5:10 pm

the spelling in these comments

Bochrim, ber realistic!!!
November 9, 2011 10:15 am
to #14
November 8, 2011 10:41 pm

srry but my husband is both – so dont make ppl feel like they need to make a choice… this whole bochur / no schedule thing and all the excuses that come along with it is just so irresponsible… wake up and get with the program of the real world… maybe if bochurim live reality younger there will be more success in ch instead of just survival, foodstamps, medicaid… but that won’t happen in the bochur bubble / mentality of wake up when you want and daven when you want and by then the day is over and you accomplished… Read more »

November 8, 2011 10:12 pm

very cute

November 8, 2011 7:13 pm

touch’e!!!! we ALL need to laugh more. i wrote something similar to 33 and might post it soon on col. may EVERYONE who needs find their Moshiachdike Bashert immediately in a very easy way

To 14 Re Seder and Davening
November 8, 2011 6:28 pm

I am a girl, and seder and davening are important to me. The reason they are so important is because for a bochur, that is his main focus of his day. If they are priorities, and he does it “right”, chances are that when he has a family and his priorities shift, he will be able to do them properly.

Additionally, being besudar and disciplined is important to me, because being on time and scheduled is important to my future in terms of being able to rely on someone.

to 25
November 8, 2011 6:24 pm

Oy that is horrible.

attention parents and those of you in the parsha
November 8, 2011 12:08 pm

essentially it has nothing to do with the question, and the answer to the question. it’s all about how you answer…

comment #30
November 8, 2011 12:08 pm

i am comment 30 u can email me at [email protected]

33 and 61
November 8, 2011 12:03 pm


To #17 & 30
November 8, 2011 8:23 am

Go for it!!!! ( in a kosher way of course) YH”R shetishre shchinah bmaasei yedeichem. If initial email communication appears positive then ask a married chaver or relative to be the shadchan (if you feel it will be advantageous.)

dont bother asking
November 8, 2011 6:33 am

handwriting analysis. it’s the only way.

To confused #59
November 8, 2011 4:35 am

Ultimately the dater has to make his own decision, but, reliable references can help avoid alot of wasted time and heartache because if not for them, the boy/girl would have to go out with every single “seemingly appropriate” suggestion.

November 8, 2011 2:15 am

if its not beshert it wont come to be, but guys, girls still have some dignity and feelings do’nt string eachother along and then say its not 4 me. Be realistic, its not like in the movies.

November 8, 2011 1:16 am

ur so funny!

to #69
November 7, 2011 11:01 pm

did i bash learning or davening with a minyan at all?
i just metioned that someone who who has a hard time with keeping seder, or who doesnt have the zitsfleish to sit for 16 hours learning and nothing else alday, usualy doesnt display the greatest middos,
of course learning torah is important and i believe it to be the foundation of a true bayis neemon as well

to 14
November 7, 2011 10:37 pm

Yidden have always expressed the importance in learning.. who are you do bash 5,000 of our tradition.
Besides the fact that you obviously have issues (or jealousy?) of those who learn, bc there are many amazing Bochurim who are learners…

November 7, 2011 9:57 pm

Loved the comments. #4, #33 and #55, you made me laugh so hard.

To 33
November 7, 2011 9:38 pm

GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!

loved it!
November 7, 2011 9:32 pm

with all the craziness in the world of shidduchim, u gotta see the humor in all of it, so thanks!
be careful, cuz they may be calling about “ur friend” when all they want to hear is you! g’luck!

To 39 , 59
November 7, 2011 7:48 pm

This is part of their Hasgocha Protis. You played one minor part in it They might or might not have listened to u. Above all , their issues are NOT ur fault. If anything, u can be a guidance for them and refer them to the better and understanding Councilors, Mashpiem and Rabbonim available.
You can and should refer them NOW!

To comment 30
November 7, 2011 7:47 pm

I am comment 17. U can email me at [email protected] to arrange something.

our sages say
November 7, 2011 7:44 pm

ask about kos, kaas and kees.
kos – drink
kaas – anger
kees – pocket

translated into questions:
have you ever seen him drunk? is he responsible? reliable? pls give examples? what is he like socially?
how does he react when he’s upset? what gets him upset? (everyone gets upset!)
is he generous? (with gelt, with helping ppl) is he considerate? can you give an example?


ps we LAUGHED reading #33!! so clever!

November 7, 2011 7:33 pm

Hmm sounds like your a little jaded. Instead of writing stupid articles, maybe you should put your time into something a little bit more productive like finding a job or getting a life!

From 33
November 7, 2011 7:30 pm

I am already married. Sorry. I guess with these questions I was able to find the right girl…

To 39 Agree with 59
November 7, 2011 7:16 pm

Yes, you didn’t cause a churban, if the person decided to marry someone that is their choice not yours.

November 7, 2011 7:06 pm

To #39 and all comments with that same idea:

Isn’t that what the point of a date is, to figure out whether this is a good shidduch for you or not, and not to just go ahead and get married b/c you heard good things on the phone from the references?!

If I’m wrong, please explain!

Here's the point
November 7, 2011 6:58 pm

The author was not making fun of research he was making fun of blind research, when people ask questions for the sake of asking and don’t really know what they want to hear or how to get the answers.

The solutions is to first know what’s individually important to you and then ask questions (like 51 nd suggested) that will give you an idea of the person.

Don’t ask for labels or judgement, ask about scenarios.

to # 55
November 7, 2011 6:45 pm

get a life and stop commenting visit me @

I don't know isn't an answer!
November 7, 2011 6:41 pm

How can I say “I don’t know” when I am the bochur’s roommate and chavrusa?! Does he snore at night? Truth is – yes, but “I don’t know!” Is he a bed wetter? Truth is – yes, but “I don’t know!” Is he on meds? Truth is – at least 6 pills a day, but “I don’t know!” Is he considerate to his roommate? Truth is he usually opens light in room no matter what time it is or who is sleeping, and then listens to Matisyahu without earbuds, but “I don’t know!” This is who used me as his… Read more »

Eligible mother with another daughter
November 7, 2011 6:41 pm

#33 I have a daughter you might be interested in. Please email [email protected]

33 you're hilarious!
November 7, 2011 6:37 pm

Good one

to 51
November 7, 2011 6:06 pm

I see there’s hope. Such a smart and toichendikke comment. I don’t know who you are but I am proud to have you part of Chabad!!! Thank you

November 7, 2011 5:58 pm

That was funny!

Some serious advice on how to ask questions of references.
November 7, 2011 5:49 pm

. Doing proper research is a very serious matter and must be done properly to be effective. Viacharei Kichlois Hakol, say a Kapitel Tehilim and of course write into the Rebbe for a brocho for the whole shiduch parsha. Do not rely just on the friends given as references. Ask one or two of those references who they would say know him well and call them. Call up to the Yeshivois where he learned. The camps that he went to as a staff member. The yeshiva where he spent his shlichus year. The various shluchim or shluchois that he assisted.… Read more »

couldnt breath becouse of my laughter!
November 7, 2011 5:46 pm

Number 33 you are so funny!

love 33
November 7, 2011 5:33 pm

thats realy realy funny!!!!!
wish was more questions- for me to lough more

read 16 and 39
November 7, 2011 5:26 pm

All jokes aside, can someone who knows, comment on what the halacha is on telling the truth and how to tell it. I don’t think lying for a shidduch is appropriate.

to #42
November 7, 2011 5:07 pm

You are %100 right!
the problem is that people out there dont understand bochrim, they should be speaking to the bochurs mashpiim and roshie yeshivas more, and finding out about his hashkofes and yiras shomayim from an objective perspective, and even they will tell u that being makpid on minyan and seder is not the most important thing! and as u say it will kick in after marriage anyhow

November 7, 2011 5:04 pm

It’s nice to see a humorous approach to the “shidduch crisis”.

The Best Reference
November 7, 2011 4:56 pm

As a on and off shadchan I can tell you that the best way to find out about someone, is to get your relative bochur/girl to find a mutual friend that can get the info. No one says the truth to strangers. A few questions I like to ask: I don;t care much for chsidishkeit, that’s easy to confirm. I’m more concerned about midos and attitude. Does he/she dominate the conversation? Are they strong minded/opinionated? Figure out a way to ask if they have a short fuse? Are they the type to pay for friends when they go out (generous).… Read more »

A Parent who made 3 shidduchim with references:
November 7, 2011 4:54 pm

When I call you, a bochur from the references – I am checking YOU out: To see if you can hold a conversation? To see if you are polite (to a total stranger bothering him)? To see if you have “attitude”, snarkiess, impatientce, derech eretz, mentchlichkeit etc.?

The questions I ask you are not noygeya – it’s how YOU speak and interact.

I have 3 daughters who found their shidduchim by me calling the references and being impressed with the bochur from the references!!

Funny but...
November 7, 2011 4:42 pm

This was humorous, but to everyone bashing the references, what do you suggest? The point is, just try to be as truthful as possible…If your friend put you down its because they obviously trust you enough that they think you can give truthful intelligent answers that can help mold their future life, don’t take that so lightly! Its a big achrayos…

to # 14
November 7, 2011 4:39 pm

Well said. I also know many fine Lubavitcher men who as bochurim of age of marriage (22-23) were not makpid on exact time of davening and minyonim and learning etc. and shortly after they were married began keeping seder, davening with minyonim and learning at early morning Shiurim. Don’t forget a bochur at 22-23 can still be immature and sleep in late but he has strong hashkofos and strong foundation but is human and may not keep a perfect Seder. Instead focus on middos and him being a mentch….if he has a solid foundation the other stuff will kick in… Read more »

November 7, 2011 4:24 pm

I had a great laugh-thanks man!
The questions I get asked about my friends are so rediculous sometimes that I wonder why people even bother calling me to ask them!
Oh…and then there are the people who turn everything you say around to make it sound like what they want/don’t want to hear.
quite comical!

dont undermine the reference...
November 7, 2011 4:18 pm

I think many people are joking about the idea of refrences, and are not appreciating the true value of a reference.
In my experience people ALWAYS lie and say what they think you want to hear…leading unfortunately to many unhappy marriages and R”L divorces.

People, please remember you have a responsibility to tell the truth.

ADVICE from the WISE
November 7, 2011 4:06 pm

The friends don’t realize that there are no “right” answers – so they are best telling the truth. Is he chassidish? Lie and say “Yup” and you may have killed the perfect shidduch because the girl is also totally very non-chassidish. Same with, Does he watch movies, listen to non-Jewish music and read non-Jewish novels? You DON’T know what the “right” answer is, and its usually not the one you think it is, so best: Keep it real! And if you DO know something that you don’t want to mention, at the very least tell them to ask others out… Read more »

to #31 LOL!!!
November 7, 2011 4:04 pm

There has got to be a better way! Maybe the minhag of Tu b’Av should be restored…… The truth is that the mothers are ruining shidduchim with their nonsensical questions and unrealistic expectations. Know who your son / daughter really is, and really needs. Keep the questions to a minimum.

November 7, 2011 4:01 pm

This is so perfect! My personal favorite is 16!

I do the same when people call me! (in a nice way)

I am a parent
November 7, 2011 3:51 pm

When I call a bochur for references – I am checking HIM out, to see if he can hold a conversation, is polite (to a total stranger bothering him) etc. I have 3 daughters who found their shidduch by me calling the reference and being impressed with him.

Mr. Perfect?!
November 7, 2011 3:46 pm

Dear parents/shadchanim:

So you want us to be truthful?! If we tell you the truth about everything then you’ll NEVER find “Mr. Perfect”. At least now, (thanks to our little “cover-ups”) every now and then you think you’ve found “Mr. Perfect”…as if such a thing really exists.

November 7, 2011 3:25 pm

Coming from someone who never thought I would go through the shiduch system, this is hilarious and helps embrace the craziness of this whole shiduch situation.

List Of Questions To Ask About A Girl
November 7, 2011 3:25 pm

I made this list for my sister, that she should ask about ay girl that comes up for me. This is just a sampling. 1. does she use toothpaste with a hechsher or without? what about tylenol? 2. what brocho does she make on rice? 3. what milchig company does she eat? only badatz? golden flow? cholov akum? 4. does she add salt to hot soup on shabbos? 5. does she eat in restaurants that don’t have mashgiach temidi (like all CHK establishments)? 6. do her parents use a blech with the crockpot or not? i.e. is there aluminum foil… Read more »

November 7, 2011 3:24 pm

mad funny!

mother on questions and answers
November 7, 2011 3:21 pm

we are not looking for a contest winner , we’re looking for the one person who will suit our son/daughter, so please don’t just answer what you think we want to hear. You don’t have to say anything negative, but stick to saying the truth in the nicest way possible. (There’s gotta be a better way- how about shidduchim by raffle- or match them up by shoe sizes?)

to #17
November 7, 2011 3:13 pm

i love your attitude
very mature and understanding
i would love to get married to someone like u,
who has such a positive attitude towards lifes challenges
“if u cant fight it embrace it”

i have a girl for you
November 7, 2011 3:06 pm

please tell me you’re single….i have a very nice girl for you NO QUESTIONS ASKED

November 7, 2011 3:01 pm

Us girls get the same ridiculous questions… does she say chitas? does she wear nail polish? who the he*l cares? And so funny, the minute we get married we start getting all the calls. As if, somehow, the fact that we happen to be married makes our statement more credible. I mean, come on, just because I got married last week, doesn’t mean I think something different of the girl. My answers to ridiculous questions pretty much remain the same, regardless of marital status. Oh, and when you ask generic questions, you get generic answers. So you end up hearing… Read more »

a Bachur
November 7, 2011 2:51 pm

I think a real friend will tell everything necessary to avoid anything not good (I agree with #16)

Loved It
November 7, 2011 2:37 pm


November 7, 2011 2:21 pm

stop asking us how the girl you are looking into compares to _________________(insert another random girls name) THEY DONT COMPARE!!! they are not the same people!!!!!! its the most ridiculous question, and i get asked it time and time again

mom (or dad) number 1
November 7, 2011 2:21 pm

You are absolutely cluless. You think you read between the lines. You think you know. I’ll just say one thing: you have no idea how much of a joke this reference bussines has become amongst bochurim. They sit and compare how dumb the questions are, and how to take dumb peope like yourself for a ride. Good luck listening to the “way we answer”

November 7, 2011 2:00 pm


#6 - you are the best bochur indeed
November 7, 2011 1:58 pm

120% true.

Single girl
November 7, 2011 1:54 pm

Yesss. Dontt ask chisronos of our friends. Why would we tell u!???????

basics of humor
November 7, 2011 1:47 pm

humor is about acting out the character or observing with exaggeration and that is the way how the article was written
great job LOL

number 16 is truer than you realise, parents
November 7, 2011 1:41 pm

and now i would like to probe a question. so, mr. author, what should parents do to get an idea of a bochur?

question 12
November 7, 2011 1:38 pm

loved itttttt

Well Said
November 7, 2011 1:38 pm

I’m a single girl and that’s exactly how my mom does research. I think it makes perfect sense that my ‘shiddy’ life is hopeless according to that. I still believe that the right guy will come at the right time regardless of how my mother goes about things. There’s not much I can do about it anyways, so why stress out and try to control it or change the way she thinks guys should be researched. I officially don’t take any of her suggestions or dates seriously, for me its one big joke but hey, thats life, embrace, don’t try… Read more »

November 7, 2011 1:36 pm

a real chaver WILL tell you the emes, simply bc if he is a true friend, he does not want chas vesholom bad outcomes (vda”l) there for a real friend will say the truth.
and I’m talking from experiens!!

Telling the truth about your friend
November 7, 2011 1:35 pm

I give a description of the bochur including good and bad but all with a positive spin. Instead of saying the guy has no “zitz-fleish”, I say that he loves to be involved in lots of things. Instead of saying someone is “moody”, I say he is “sensitive”. Instead of saying “he’s not capable”, I’ll say “he’s not a director type.”

At the end of one conversation like this, a mother of a girl exclaimed “wow! he sounds perfect for my daughter!”

And now they’re married.

davening and seder?
November 7, 2011 1:31 pm

Of course davening on time and keeping seder in yeshivah is an important factor but: Wouldn’t you rather want your daughter to marry a kind and loving guy with good middos and talents rather than a dull guy who always davens on time and with a minyan and learns with great hasmode? I dont want to judge anyone, but the bochrim who are extremely makpid about minyan and seder etc, are usually the ones who are lacking fine midos and talents, and you can ask any bochur and most mashpiim in yeshivas about that. As a matter of fact, i… Read more »

# 4
November 7, 2011 1:27 pm


November 7, 2011 1:06 pm

yea like that make sense!

you gave away all the secrets you bachur!
November 7, 2011 1:04 pm

but still real funy!

November 7, 2011 1:03 pm

#5 is the best

would be nice
November 7, 2011 12:57 pm

for someone to write up some questions- a bunch that people can use and personalize to their needs. Fact is, some people are better at asking questions than others and some parents are clueless but it falls on their shoulders so they do what they have to do, even though they are not sure what/how to ask to figure out what they want to know.
If some people can put together a type of well written questions that these inexperienced parents can use, it would be a big chessed!

November 7, 2011 12:55 pm

Dont quit your day job.

November 7, 2011 12:54 pm

would be hilarious!!

Well Said!!!!
November 7, 2011 12:47 pm

I agree, please stop bothering bouchrim.
They are not going to tell you the truth anyway.

November 7, 2011 12:47 pm

Absolutely loved the humour – obviously exaggerated, but that’s what humour is about – nice nice ! brought smiles and laughs

Mother with eligible daughter
November 7, 2011 12:44 pm

Hi bochur, I absolutely loved your article and think you would love my daughter. Your personalities would definitely click. Can you please put your info online?

common sense
November 7, 2011 12:44 pm


November 7, 2011 12:37 pm


To the author:
November 7, 2011 12:29 pm

We are not fools! We are reading between the lines. We can tell by the way “you” answer (your enthusiasm) if the bocher is takeh nice, keeping seder, chassidish, etc. We can also tell if he has nice friends-thanks to the way you handle my call!