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  |  May 30, 2020

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Singles, Please Date Your Own Age

From the COLlive inbox: A single Chabad woman discovered that most girls in her family have dated or married boys older than them. Full Story

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Age bracket
Guest
Age bracket

As an older single I would be totally fine marrying a guy younger than myself.

Waste of time
Guest
Waste of time

Brilliant idea, you must have spent days thinking about this. However your forgetting one thing: boys finish the “system” st age 22-23, girls finish at 19-20. So a boy would not be interested in marrying a girl older than him because that makes her out of the system for a while i.e. “very old”. This would be more evident by a older guy, say a 27 year old, considered old by “only” 5 years, not interested in a girl considered old by 7-8 years

okay...
Guest
okay...

but dont you think theres a reason they go for older guys

Marry someone your age
Guest
Marry someone your age

When she loses her beauty, you lose your eyesight

As a bachurim 19 in zal
Guest
As a bachurim 19 in zal

There are also many bachurim in ZAL willing to get married, that do not feel like they have a opportunity at that age.
We feel like we will get rejected.

Is that true?

I'm confused
Guest
I'm confused

So are you saying that girls should wait or that boys should marry younger? What is a 19 year old girl supposed to do??

even younger
Guest
even younger

There are quite a few shiduchim where the boy is even a few years younger. Age should not make a difference – look at the maturity, compatibility. A 22 yr old boy can be more mature than a 25 yr old and can connect very well with a 24-25 year old girl. Be open-minded!!

As a bachurim 19 in zal CLARIFICATION
Guest
As a bachurim 19 in zal CLARIFICATION

What I mean by we feel like we will be rejected.
Is not because we feel that who we are as a person will get rejected.
It’s because we feel that out AGE will get rejected.
But as a person we are confident.

i don't think it's the age interference
Guest
i don't think it's the age interference

No other issues but in any case we have a clear example from our rebbe.rebbetzin chaya mushka was older then our rebbe. I am 3 years older then my husband. My friend got married to someone her own age….bracha v’ hatzlacha

Yehuda  l g
Guest
Yehuda l g

Wasn’t this post up a while ago . as long as you have the mind set for it why in the world should it make a different s.

To,number five and nine
Guest
To,number five and nine

You’re a boss.

to 8
Guest
to 8

For the soceity social system the earliest is 20…if you ask me as soon as a bachur feels he’s ready he should- but society thinks otherwise.and wheni say ready- not a bachur who hangs around and just wants to get married that his wife will open a red carpet and offer a 5 star hotel life. Ready is to be ready to take responsibility of your wife and your life WITH HER!and most bachurim are not ready to take responsibility at 19.

To the bochur in Zal
Guest
To the bochur in Zal

If you are mature enough to get married and your parents agree, there are girls for you. Definitely speak up and look for your bashert. I have two friends who were 20 and married 19 year old young men. Both couples are happily married and grandparents today.

It's the system
Guest
It's the system

Guys just happen to finish the system later than girls, so the age gap is inevitable.

That being said, I’m 23, and have exclusively date girls older than me. They’re more mature, and (ideally) stable.

More betachon
Guest
More betachon

You forget one thing that Hashem is in charge… one might plan or wish one age, but have a completely different turnout. There is only one zivug for a person and is up to Hashem to decide how much/ older or younger your soulmate is. Also according to human developmental sience men are about 2 to 3 years behind in meturing emotionally comparing to women which would explain the popular difference in ages

wrong approach
Guest
wrong approach

there is one great reason why this is the wrong approach:
girls dont wanna get married at 23, its preferable for them to get married a 21. whereas a 21 yr old bochur is still too young.

Look at the real person
Guest
Look at the real person

if s/he is compatible, similar in hashkafa, life goals, if you feel comfortable in each other’s company then go for it. Who cares how old, tall or skinny your basheret is. Could you imagine spending your life alone because you didn’t like your bashert’s grey eyes or flaming red beard? I know a happily married couple, Baruch Hashem, where after going out she realized he was quite a few(9 to be exact!!) years younger than her. Nu. They got married and are now B”H marrying off their children. And he doesn’t look like her father… yet… I know another couple… Read more »

Yeah well obviously!
Guest
Yeah well obviously!

I’m a 28 year old girl in shidduchim and I’ll marry someone younger than me!

Chabad community
Guest
Chabad community

What is with the ultra orthodox/crown heights/chabad mentality, that ingrains into the sweet, young minds and lives of a Chabad girl, the fact that if she isn’t married by the age of 23, she will be added to the list of the unfortunate older girls who sadly arent married yet who are in desperate need of a match, and because she is now OLD she has lesser chance of finding her soul mate? When will this boxed off community realize that a 22/23/24 year old girl IS still young, so many girls including myself aren’t even interested in marriage just… Read more »

This is not a mathematical equation!
Guest
This is not a mathematical equation!

When we marry, we marry the other half of our soul, whom was decided 30 days before we were conceived. Its silly to say that if girls would marry someone there own age we would fix the problem. We meet our soulmates at the right time. One can also argue that if you become so restricted to someone the same age as themselves than you might be missing the boat in finding your husband, maybe he is really 3,5 or even 10 years older. It is really challenging that girls and guys are getting older without being married to their… Read more »

Mashpia
Guest
Mashpia

I think the younger the boy is its better for the girl because he less exposed to all the shtussim in olom haze by 17 he’s ready to marry he will finish Smiha after the weeding

Wake up
Guest
Wake up

Anyone in the shidduch scene will know that you don’t turn down a shidduch bc of age .. currently there are plenty fabulous singles that can’t even score a date … never mind turn down for This reason ….

Generalization
Guest
Generalization

There is no one trick

Mishna
Guest
Mishna

This isn’t going to get printed but hey I will say this anyhow
Real chasidisher CHAGAS guys don’t have this problem as they marry at 18 and stay in learning AFTER. Marriage
How about it guys ???????

Um, you forgot the most important part
Guest
Um, you forgot the most important part

On numerous occasions in his letters, the Rebbe advocates for boys to be getting married younger!

What about Pru-Urevu?
Guest
What about Pru-Urevu?

If a man is over age 50, and has not been able to find his beshert till now, how does he fulfill the mitzvah of having children if he only supposed to marry someone of the same age, when that would in most cases, put her well past, child bearing years (and knowing we are not suposed to rely on miracles)?

There is no shortage of older boys
Guest
There is no shortage of older boys

Sorry, not sure what this theory is based on. If anything, there are TOO MANY older boys. I can share some with you and will happily take a younger one.

Siman tov uMazal tov yehei lanu
Guest
Siman tov uMazal tov yehei lanu

Bracha VeHatzlacha!
THE REBBE says that up to 10 years age difference,
naturally, the boy being 10 years older then the girl, is compatible.
The issue is that the boys want ONLY beautiful and thin girls.
That is THE PROBLEM!
You gotta understand:
To get along, and respect each other, to raise and educate happy, and funcional children, the young generation needs one thing, BEAUTIFUL imaginary models.
That is the shidduch crisis
Only a miracle will resolve that!
Sorry folks!

What?
Guest
What?

I’m not sure why this was actually printed. Articles like these actually perpetuate the ideology that people who are single, know more than the people in the system, if they did they would be married. Why not publish articles that are uplifting and fact based rather than opinions from people who have successfully made it through the system.

Singles...Please date your own TYPE
Guest
Singles...Please date your own TYPE

I have a hard time believing age has anything to do with the current crisis! The problem is more likely that people are in denial of who they themselves are and what they want and need in a suitable partner! Parents and shaddchanim only know what the singles tell them and then they make their own assumptions about what makes sense… This family can only date this style family… If he went to a particular yeshiva then she must come from a specific seminary…the list goes on! My child wants to go on shlichus (but thats because its what their… Read more »

26 makes a good point
Guest
26 makes a good point

I am 31 year old male and single, id love to get married at the right time but until that time comes, i’m living life. I think ultimately singles should use their years to find themselves as much as they think they need to find their soul mate.. how can you find your other half without knowing yourself? I am not buying the whole women are more mature discussion, I dont even think of age as an equation to marriage. However, I must agree with 26’s point, a 35 etc single guy will look for his age or younger, not… Read more »

chill...
Guest
chill...

Its Hashem who decides. Not the age. If there’s a “Crisis” in something ad big as shidduchim worldwide, marrying an immature boy instead of a mature one, will not help anyone out.
FAITH AND ACTION is the answer, not marrying boys the same age as you!

Bruriah High School Graduate- not your system
Guest
Bruriah High School Graduate- not your system

When referencing something that you read and basing your case on it, it is best to give the reference so #27 would know what to look at. I read is article on one of the older Mishpacha/Ami (can’t recall now) so I have idea what she is referring too. But good journalism needs footnotes or else it has no grounding. Perhaps the periodicals listed have archives.

To #13
Guest
To #13

Key words: grandparents today.
Yes, it worked back in the day but these days guys aren’t mature enough at 19…

don't feel limited by age
Guest
don't feel limited by age

just because a guy is older, a younger woman should not feel bad about dating and marrying him. I have no idea why this author would want to create more worries for single women, like being self conscious about dating and marrying an older nice man, if he is accomplished, and good in other ways, etc. very disappointed at COL for publishing this one.

1+1=1
Guest
1+1=1

Commenter #31 and commenter #18 should meet!

Baruch L
Guest
Baruch L

As a single bachur myself who is about to turn the dreadful number of 26. My shidduch prospects have drastically declined and the only offer I am receiving are the ‘bottom of the barrel’ recipients.

To number 15
Guest
To number 15

According to Torah, girls only mature one year before boys. Bat Mitzvah at 12, Bar Mitzvah at 13:)))

Common Sense
Guest
Common Sense

You can’t tell people what to do with their lives. People will marry those who they want to marry. You can, however make changes to the system that will invitably lead to people marring closer to their age.

1) Minimize the segregation of genders so people meet those in their age group of the opposite gender.

2) Minimize the gap in years of “The system”. Why do guys need to wait till coming back from shlichus to start learning smicha? Why can’t they start Smicha subjects while in Yeshivah Gedola and also learn on Shlichus year?

to 37
Guest
to 37

that’s pathetic. people in this community need to get real. more like way more mature and will make a much better husband than these 22 year old kids. not to mention actually earn a living unlike these guys who get married and struggle for a long time, putting a strain on the marriage.

#13
Guest
#13

getting married toady at 19 is not the same as it was 50 + years ago. i do not think any 19 year old BOY should be getting married. let him get a job and learn to make a few bucks.

TO 19
Guest
TO 19

AMEN, YOU SAID IT RIGHT! I’M WITH YOU! the mentality we have is obnoxious and pathetic.

To #37
Guest
To #37

Being picky at 22-25 causes one to receive the “bottom of the barrel” at 26.

As a bachurim 19 in zal RESPONSE
Guest
As a bachurim 19 in zal RESPONSE

I wrote my first comments (#5 and #8), for I had anticipated comments about that which I have clarified. Yet I did not think the comments would stoop so low to such a redicules nieve low. Allow me to respond to a number of compelling comment’s. #41-#34: the girls 50 years ago where getting married at 19-20, just as they are now. What is forcing you to say that the boys earliest age has changed but the girls haven’t. #41: I can assume that most woman would rather marry a stable man, who has recently exited yeshiva. Rather, then a… Read more »

To #44
Guest
To #44

I can’t tell if you’re trolling or if you are actually serious…
I’d say humility would be a good start. Possibly followed by learning to spell 😉

Number 45
Guest
Number 45

Number 44 is an Oholei Torahnik. They can’t spell to save their lives, give it up.

Um, PS I married someone 3 years older than me but neither of us planned it that way – he was totally fine with marrying someone his own age or even a little older and I remember him commenting that he felt like a criminal marrying someone 3 years his junior….

Mah la’asot, you marry the person who’s right for you. Age shouldn’t be high on the list but you can’t ignore it either. (BTW I was 20 when we met, he was 23…)

System Change Needed
Guest
System Change Needed

People shouldn’t be picky on age, but if the system would put girls and boys into the shidduch scene at the same time, this would inevtiably even out the pool of boys and girls and would likely create more shidduchim. The author is correct. In the Lubavitch community, the population expands 4 to 5 times every 25 years. Three years would be an eighth of that. In simple English, this translates to roughly 3 girls aged 20 for every 2 boys aged 23. Our system has many problems, and this is one of them. If the poepl running the system… Read more »

whoa to #44
Guest
whoa to #44

Not sure if you are a pathetic troll or just pathetic. We exist in a world of technology, learn to use it. I’m sure the illegal phone you are using to comment on Collive has it. Your spelling and diction are worse than my little sister. (No exaggeration) Now to address the core issues in your comment. 1. You state that girls are getting married the same age as they were 50 years ago, so why can’t boys do the same. To answer this you have to look at what goes in to a marriage. Even if I grant you… Read more »

Yikes
Guest
Yikes

This article was not clear or well written, it’s uses the term crisis too often, let’s not solidify that fear. Also please let’s not talk about the biological clock, young women are all to aware that if they happen to marry in their late 20s or early 30s there are simply less childbearing years and it adds pressure to have kids quickly

Website for Lubavitcher Singles?
Guest
Website for Lubavitcher Singles?

Is there a current, updated WEBSITE, for the purpose of creating Shidduchim, within the Lubavitch Community Worldwide?
If you know of any, please respond here.
– HF

to the author
Guest
to the author

I knew you are very smart and i assume that you have much life experience. ha ha. a girl at 19 can get married, a boy at 19 can not. the age difference gets narrower and narrower as you get older. dont blame age on this problem.

Listen to this article
Guest
Listen to this article

If lubavitch (Parents, Teachers, Mashpiim, Roshei Yeshivos) do not recognize that this is where the problem lies, it will only grow and get worse. Every year a class graduates from high school and 2-3% of them will never get married in our system, all because of the age gap. Parents: encourage your daughters to get married older (Sem beis?) and your boys to marry earlier. Roshei yeshivos and mashpiim: Stop setting up a system where bochurim go on shlichus for 2 years then take 2 years in 770 learning semicha and only then start looking to get married. We created… Read more »

Um, you forgot the most important part
Guest
Um, you forgot the most important part

On numerous occasions in his letters, the Rebbe advocates for boys to be getting married younger!

HERE'S THE ANSWER!
Guest
HERE'S THE ANSWER!

The answer is NOT any of the solutions proposed…or maybe it is, but I’m quite confused, so someone help me out here. The idea is that the person we marry is our bashert and Hashem made us meet somehow…so by saying girls shoud start marrying younger boys, then you are saying they should marry SOMEONE ELSE. By marrying younger boys, they are marrying OTHER PEOPLE than the men they would have married who are older than them. Doesn’t that contradict the whole idea of bashert?

WHAT??
Guest
WHAT??

In everyplace in the world for the past hundreds of years girls have been getting married to boys who are older them. Why are you trying to change this? it makes no sense.

Question
Guest
Question

If all (young) girls will now marry young bochurim their age, who will marry the older bochurim???

What's wrong with a 23 year old girl for the 23 year old boy
Guest
What's wrong with a 23 year old girl for the 23 year old boy

Men start looking around age 23, so what’s wrong with a 23, 24 or 25 etc man dating his own age? I would certainly allow this for my son’s.

Disagree
Guest
Disagree

I don’t agree with the article. Boys and girls mature at different ages. When my husband and I got engaged, we were both 20. I was already working and it was totally normal and not a shocker that I was engaged, but my mother in law was so opposed to my hubby getting married so young since he was still in school. Yes, after a certain point they do mature, I would say once the girl reaches 25 she can marry someone her age, but another factor is, that respect also comes with age. Age isn’t always the factor, but… Read more »

The Real problem
Guest
The Real problem

The real problem is the numbers are usually born more girls than boys statistically speaking is born in at least one for every two or three girls and people are unfortunately are getting too detailed and forgetting the main point is to form a family and focusing on beauty or other Things life is not two plus two is four married life is to arrive at a consensus of how it will be and always focusing on what your partner and children need and not for themselves

Openminded
Guest
Openminded

While this article references a Jewish scientists there are actually a few Jewish people and organizations who have spent years researching and analyzing the data and have to the same conclusion as well as an organization called NASI many articles have been written on it all in the non chabad world maybe we should meet with those same researchers and analysis to discuss oh and please don’t attack me for saying that we are all children of HASHEM

Parents need to be proactive
Guest
Parents need to be proactive

Register your children on Chabadmatch.com
As soon as you start looking.
So many feel that it’s only for “losers” when the only losers are the young people not finding their bashert.
Contact every shadchan, make a minimum of one call before turning down a suggestion.
And if you’re an older single do this yourself!

To #37
Guest
To #37

Don’t put ur hopes down low, I’m 33 and got married at the age of 28 to a 25 year old girl and she ain’t the “bottom of the barrel”

age not a problem
Guest
age not a problem

I know quite a few boys who married older girls, even 3 years older, and you know what? They are very happy! Look at the person, not the age.

38 year old single
Guest
38 year old single

Am I bottom of the Barrel???? What does that even mean?????

Age 16
Guest
Age 16

The Rebbe said that if his chasidim would listen, he would tell them to marry very young. Age 16 for a girl isn’t too young if we quit coddling our kids so much.

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