Shvigger, Daughter-In-Law Battles

The upcoming Tammuz issue of N’shei Chabad Newsletter delves into the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, one that is famously fraught with misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Shimona Tzukernik sent out a survey so that she could accumulate and analyze many women’s experiences in this area. The results were surprisingly honest and they are published in the new N’shei for your reading pleasure and enlightenment, along with pics of some famous and not-so-famous mother-in-law/daughter-in-law pairs (shown below).

Shimona tells many happy stories and some sad ones too, like this one:

“I once had occasion to speak with a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law who were in conflict. The mom was intensely critical of her daughter-in-law’s quiet nature, resistance to hosting them as guests, manner of dress and parenting style. The mother-in-law jealously demanded to know how much time the couple spent with the other side of the family. When I met alone with the mother-in-law, as much as I felt for her, my heart saddened for the younger woman. I wondered how the mom expected the new arrival to their family to open up to her, trust her, cultivate the relationship she envisioned for them. The young wife for her part was equally ungenerous toward her mother-in-law. She resisted spending time with her and refused to call. When her children went to their bubby, she would send a long list of instructions as to how she wanted the children fed and entertained. I met them a few years into their battle of wills. To me it was not that important how the whole dynamic had gotten started. To them it was everything. They both had two things in common—an insistence on being right and being in control—which, in the end, broke the marriage apart. Their unfortunate situation reminded me of the Israeli road sign that proclaims, ‘Don’t be right. Be smart!’”

Tzippy Clapman, beloved author of the legendary “Tzippy Remembers When…” column, addresses the subject of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law as well. She writes:

“Your married children are already grown, and don’t try to change them into something they are not. Love them unconditionally and do not put pressure on them. Criticizing/guiding/directing/teaching our married children and their spouses will only keep them far away from our lives. I know parents who feel that one of their married children is not living up to the Torah standards they were raised with, and this (naturally) bothers the older couple tremendously. They are punishing them by not welcoming them warmly into their home, or they allow them to come but they are cold and disapproving. When married children do not feel welcome they will not come, and their children will not know the love of a bubbe and zaide, or the richness of a warm chassidishe home. This is their one chance to show the young couple the beauty of a Torah lifestyle. Why is this misguided young couple not as deserving of our love as any couple coming for a pegishah to Crown Heights?”

What, what? You’ve never served shpigenutten at your simchah? You don’t know what you’re missing. The only way to find out more is to buy (or subscribe now at nsheichabadnewsletter.com) the N’shei summer issue, with the breathtaking spring cover by artist Faygie Fellig (see below).

Rebbetzin Yehudis Heller, a”h, was a well loved and deeply respected, even revered, teacher in Bais Rivkah and other schools. Twenty-five years after her passing, her students still remember her very well. As one writes, “Besides the subjects she taught, Mrs. Heller would sometimes take a few minutes of class time to talk about other topics. For example, one time she told us that the ‘new [in 1970s] trend’ for young couples to go out to restaurants and hotels and take trips is a dangerous and wrong-headed approach to marriage. She said that Jewish couples who have kept the Torah laws are happy to stay home together, eat supper together, build a home together. She painted a picture of the home life of newlyweds that made us all aspire to be that young wife, hanging curtains with her husband after a home-cooked dinner. Mrs. Heller concluded with a smile, ‘When you’ve been married a few years and you have a few children, now that is a good time to go out alone with your husband.'”

In this N’shei Chabad Newsletter feature about Mrs. Heller, her son Rabbi Leibish Heller describes the quality he feels made his mother unique: she was real. She wasn’t self-conscious. She was completely focused on the message she had to impart and she wasn’t at all concerned with how she looked while imparting it.

Last, in an article by Keren Gordon, the new N’shei deals with our growing inability to separate between public and private:

In the desert, the Yidden were praised and blessed because they had carefully positioned their tents in such a way that no one could peek into the tent of another. Today, the tents are wide open, with megaphones broadcasting every minute detail of our marriage and family life. In one generation, the private has become public.

We now have the common problem of a daughter calling her mother in tears. “You shared my marital problems and all that you ‘wish you could tell me’ on a mothers’ group that has 11,000 members!? What were you thinking?”
Don’t we have one friend to talk to? Must we talk to 11,000 “friends”?

Our children have become public figures, their every move (and problem) publicized. Before we click “enter,” let’s ask ourselves “Where will this information end up and how will it affect everyone around me? Is this a confidence?” If so, how can you share it with hundreds or thousands of people?

Buy it on Kingston, or subscribe now! But don’t miss the Tammuz issue of N’shei Chabad Newsletter, with the articles everyone will be talking about.