I Will Try to Love Them Too

By Rabbi Yosef Chaim Kantor for COLlive.com

During the political unrest in Thailand, during the months of April and May this year, I regularly received phone calls from overseas asking my opinion about the safety for visitors to the country.

One of them was a Chassidishe (non Lubavitch) rabbi who dealt with kosher supervision in Ne York and called me on a Friday afternoon. I was on the other like with a local Jew and asked the rabbi to wait a few moments.

After getting back to him, I told the rabbi I’d like to share some inspiration with him and went on to tell him who I had just spoken with on the other line and why I was so inspired.

This Jew who lives near Sakon Nakorn (more than 600 kms from Bangkok) first contacted me by email back in December 2008. He asked to meet with me as his mother was Jewish and he was a member of the US Navy stationed around this region. About 20 years ago he had married a Thai woman and had 2 children.

He said he was now interested in pursuing his Jewish roots.

We finally got to meet in March of 2009 and I concluded our first meeting by putting on Tefillin with him and advising him to start reading the weekly Parsha.

Today, about a year later, he had already taken a Jewish name (Zevulun, due to his history with the navy), wears Tefilin and davens daily, and flys in once a month to spend a few days in Bangkok. Usually he visits from Thursday through Sunday so that he can catch the Thursday night Torah class, spend Shabbos and attend Sunday morning Minyan.

On other weeks he phones on Friday afternoons and checks that he is in sync with the Hebrew date, the Torah portion being read on Shabbos, and when relevant, the count of the Omer.

On this particular Friday he also wanted to confirm that we are recite Kiddush Levana on Motzei Shabbos. I thanked him for reminding me not to forget to do so myself.

I shared with the rabbi from New York my feelings of amazement at the dearness of this Tayere Yid and how the Pintele Yid that had awoken in this Jew was now burning brightly, so much so that he, sitting in a far off corner in Thailand is reminding me, his ‘teacher’, about the Mitzvah of Kidush Levana.

The New York rabbi heard me out, and his comment consisted of a single word in Yiddish, “Nebach.” What a pity.

At first I thought there might have been some problem with the phone line and that he hadn’t heard clearly what I said, so I briefly repeated the story. Again he responded, “Nebach.” He then explained, “You said that he is married to a non Jew.”

I now understood what he meant. Still, I was quite shocked that from the entire positive picture I had painted about this simple Yid, farming rice in Thailand and keeping Shabbos and Davening daily, the only thing the rabbi from New York noticed and reacted to, was the ‘Nebach’ part.

Respect is what’s missing

And at that moment I was filled with pride and joy. Ashreinu Mah Tov Chelkenu! How fortunate I am to have been brought up as a Lubavitcher Chossid.

From the first day in kindergarten I was Zoche to be educated in the Rebbe’s Mosdos and even before that was Zoche to ‘drink the milk’ and grow up in the home of Lubavitcher parents who were involved in Shlichus work.

Part of my earliest childhood recollections are being entertained by some non frum young men with long hair, who used to hang around our house and learn with my father. (Today they are Baruch Hashem prominent members of Anash in their respective communities).

The “air” I was Zoche to breathe was not just one of tolerance for people who are different than me, but actual love for the people who were still far from keeping Torah and Mitzvos. All of my close classmates and friends were also raised in that same atmosphere. It is therefore no wonder that we NATURALLY view not-yet frum Yidden with true love and compassion.

Many outreach organizations are doing holy work, reaching out to be Mekarev non-frum Yidden. Still, there is a difference. To others, not looking down at others condescendingly, pretending you appreciate the other Jew for who he or she is, is an important outreach strategy. To us, the Rebbe’s Talmidim, it is not an outreach strategy at all. It is REAL. For my generation it was already in the milk we drank as babies and in the Alef Beis we were taught in kindergarten. Our Rebbe literally molded our perspective to be one of Ahavas Yisrael.

Then, as I continued to reflect on the real pity it was that this NY Rov was unable to see the good parts of this special Yid, I realized I was looking myself in the mirror! How many Frumme Yidden, and especially fellow Lubavitchers are there that I can’t seem to love properly because of behavior that I consider to be ‘nebach’ and against our dear Rebbe’s Rotzon. I overlooked all of their positive qualities and only noticed the things that I perceived to be negative. I realized that my attitude was not better than the attitude of the Rov that so shocked me!

As this conversation took place during the days of Sefira I reflected on this matter in the spirit of the Rebbe’s explanations of Lo Nahagu Kovod Zeh Lazeh by the students of Rabbi Akiva. I realized that while its certainly not right to bend ironclad principles and accept ‘nebach’ behavior as kosher (Och Un Vey if I did not agree with the New York Rabbi that indeed it is a Nebach when a Yid is married out R”L) I must put in as much effort as is necessary to bring myself to see the positive in fellow Lubavitchers and to embrace them as family.

Actually, as shocking as this statement may sound, I think WE HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO ARGUE. I am not talking about solving all the arguments and Paskening all the issues. We simply need to learn that we can disagree and still have Kovod Zeh Lazeh, true love for one another as fellow children of our beloved Rebbe. We can and must maintain personal friendships with fellow Chassidim who think differently than we do. We can and must sit with a Chaver and say Lechayim and Farbreng or attend their Simchos even if we don’t feel comfortable with some of the surroundings.

The problem with Talmidei Rabbi Akiva was not their differences of opinion; it was the lack of respect between them. I for one don’t intend to change my unwavering commitment to try and be the Rebbe’s Shliach and do what is right according to the system the Rebbe implemented and the Horo’os for Hafatzas Hamayonos that he instructed.

But I know I have got to get better at loving my fellow Jew even if he is a Lubavitcher with whom I vehemently disagree. And I know that if I try hard enough I can do it. If I can truly love the Jew who comes to me to learn and Daven and is still ‘nebach’ married out, I can surely love the Jew who learns Chassidus like I do, puts on two pairs of Tefillin like I do, eats Lubavitcher Shechita like I do but ‘Nebach’ still does not see things in the way I am convinced is the Rebbe’s wishes.

A recent re-learning of the Mamar Hecholtzu did wonders for my soul and I have come to appreciate that this is one of the most difficult but probably most URGENT Avodos in our generation if not the most urgent. To use an analogy, if we are in a car about to enter Geula zone, Achdus between the Chasidim is certainly the gas in the car to move us forward. Who wants to get stuck without gas a few meters from the finish line?

I am talking to myself, but decided that I would say it out loud just in case there are some others who have the same problems as me. It’s embarrassing to admit imperfection… but it’s even more idiotic to keep perpetuating negative behavior because you are not ready to get off your high horse.

It’s not a simple Avodah to be sure, so lets roll up our sleeves and join together in a global effort to create an atmosphere in our minds, in our homes and in our Mosdos of Ahavas Yisrael and Ahavas & Achdus Hachasidim!

L’chaim!

— Rabbi Kantor is the Chief Rabbi of the Jewish community in Thailand and the Head Shliach heading Chabad institutions and activities in the county. This article was commissioned by a new group promoting Achdus in Lubavitch – more details coming soon.