Feb 8, 2019
When Will We Be Proud Again?
Illustration photo

From the COLlive Inbox: A father recounts the conversation with his Yeshiva bochur son who asked him to watch the Super Bowl.

By a concerend father

I feel like Im obligated to address the public with this issue after what happened this past week.

It was a regular Sunday afternoon when my son comes home from yeshiva for lunch as I was learning Rambam. "Ta, can I watch the Super Bowl tonight at my friend's house with a bunch of friends?" he asked.

I was completely shocked. I knew that the Super Bowl was some famous sports game that millions of people watched. I just couldnt understand why my son wanted to watch something which never came up or was spoken about in our house when I was his age.

I told him, "I dont know and Im not familiar with these things at all. I just dont we should be watching something we don't know what kind of dangerous stuff can pop-up. I don't think this is important enough for you to make yourself a hefker and lower our familys standards."

My son then broke into tears and started telling me hysterically: "Why should I be the only kid in my class to be at night Seder tonight? Why should I be the only yotzeh min haklall? Why can't you find another thing to let out our family standards on? Why should I be the only sucker? Why should I be the only kid not to have something to say by our class conversations?"

I tried to explain to him that some things in life are more important than others and that our family standards are an important thing that can't be compromised at any price. But to no avail...

He responded back with the same drashah once again - just with more intense tears.

I told him that no way are you missing yeshiva to watch a sports game.

He told me the embarrassment he's gonna have when he tells his friends he's not allowed to come because of his family standards and how embarrassing it's going to be when he's the only kid in his class at Seder.

Left with little choice, I told him he can go to his friend's house after seder and remain there only until 10:00 PM.

He was very upset with that but I wasnt going to compromise more than that.

The outcome? nothing positive.

I can't forgive myself for even letting up on my family standards because the sad reality is that one thing can lead to the next. And now my son knows that as long as his friends are doing the wrong thing, he cant be a yotzeh min haklall and he can do whatever he wants.

The truth is that its really our fault. Where is the chasidishe pride that existed in the days of old? Why are we letting our children be hefker tzum velt? Why should our kids be doing stuff that we never did just because the velt does so? Did Chassidim and Chassidus change?

The difference between now and 25 years ago is that back then we were proud to be chassidim of the Rebbe, proud of our way of life. These days, we're chasing the "velt," watching nonsense on our phones and we are paying for it the way our children learn from our negative levushim and lack of chasidishe pride.

When will we start being proud again? When will our children be like us when we were that age and separated from stupidities of velt? When will we teach our kids that we have a Rebbe?


Most Read Most Comments


Opinions and Comments
1
25 years ago
A father would say, go ahead..
You did wrong not letting him go. If that's what he wanted.
After this article I feel now I understand why so many go "off the derech"
(To the father of this article: please do me a favor and next year let your son watch the whole game, he may have a chance to be frum)
(2/9/2019 3:53:19 AM)
2
Wait a second....
Is this written by an actual chabad chcossid whose ever opened up the Rebbes Tora?
(2/9/2019 5:45:51 AM)
3
So Heartbreaking!
Thats so heartbreaking to hear that you had to lower your families standards! Were here with you...
I cant imgaine how difficult it must be.
When youre done sitting shiva for you son maybe think about doing teshuva for failing to be a father to him.
(2/9/2019 5:50:44 AM)
4
Epidemic!
There are many more differences between now and 25 years ago. Here are just a few:
25 years ago a chassidishe tziyor was of high importance.
25 years ago people thought that your last name was an indication of virtue.
25 years ago abuse of all kinds festered in the darkness.
25 years ago chassidim failed their Rebbe.
25 years ago was Gimmel Tammuz.
To the concerned father: it might be time to question ourselves a bit.
The End :)
(By Yisroel New)
(2/9/2019 6:06:14 AM)
5
This makes me sad
Can't you be proud of your son on the other 364 days there is no Superbowl? I feel bad for you that you can't see the other amazing things your son does, and it all boils down to this. Maybe the problem is with you. Maybe a good family therapist can help you fsee the brochos in your life and feel proud again.
(2/9/2019 11:17:50 AM)
6
I feel your pain
There was a time when our community had beautiful tznius standards, but now look at us. The schools can teach till they are blue in the face, but if their mothers ignore it, there is nothing we can do.
We cry about all the tragedys befalling our community, but we do nothing more than cry, no real elevation of our standards.
We need to stop with the crocodile tears and do something real!
(2/9/2019 11:26:37 AM)
7
Well said!
So much has been lost by our not seeing and hearing the rebbe. The whole atmosphere was so different as we lived and breathed chassishkeit.
Good this article was written
(2/9/2019 11:55:20 AM)
8
To the writer
Yes you are right its wrong to watch the super bowl but I am a bochur and from what I heard bochurim were watching the super bowl before gimmel tammuz. What must he known is we live in a different generation and you need to know what needs combat and what doesnt. But to make it like since when did bochurim start watching the super bowl is naive.
(2/9/2019 12:45:50 PM)
9
Agree
This child will ultimately appreciate this when he grows up that his father wasnt happy..
(2/9/2019 3:59:09 PM)
10
The answer to your question is they won't
Your son won't feel proud because you put it on him like chassidishkiet is a burden and there's no physical rebbe's around to back you up. Sorry to bust all of you older generations of chassidim bubble, but as much as you stress there is no difference from now and before gimmul tammuz is false, there is a difference. And the fact that you write an article that you're shocked your son asked to watch the Superbowl clearly shows that you lack clarity in today's day and you lacka close relationship with your son
(2/9/2019 5:20:41 PM)
11
So true
So true to all of us parents unfortunately
(2/9/2019 5:32:12 PM)
12
Parents
Why are parents today raising their children this way? You are right, its terrible.
(2/9/2019 5:33:42 PM)
13
:
-, -- , :
, -.
(2/9/2019 5:50:26 PM)
14
my mother taught me... ( after gimmel tammuz days)
Just because everyone a rotten tomato doesn't give you the right to become rotten. With this GREAT value i learnt to remain pure. It was hard. I was the "cheese" but it was worth it. Remind your son what tzivos hashem is all about and he might be able to influence his friends to stop as well. DO NOT tell him family "standards ", but tell him Hashem and the Rebbe wants us to fight and not give in to our yetzar hara. It's hard but the reward is great! Hatzlacha!
(2/9/2019 5:54:10 PM)
15
All about the father
My son came home for lunch while I was learning Rambam
The father is really saiying look at what a high level i am on and how far has hintikar baurchrim including his son fallen.
Why was the father not at work in the middle of the day?
Why didnt the father offer to spend time with his son instead of watching the game.
(2/9/2019 5:57:43 PM)
16
To number 10
You obviously dont understand what chabad is
To say that nothing changed is false
On this I agree
But to say that our rebbe is some spiritual force that passed away is also
Just because we cant see the rebbe it means we have to let him down?
If we care about what the rebbe said than nothing changed at all
Unfortunately it doesnt look like anything is getting better

(2/9/2019 6:02:11 PM)
17
Find the good
We can be proud, walk into any of the yagdil Torah centers and see how many people are learning on their own. Look how many bochurim are doing mivtzoyim with geshmak. Look at how many kids are learning for chidon and tanya bal beh. If you have the atttitude in this article you will only see negative.
(2/9/2019 6:03:55 PM)
18
John
BS"D The game stunk was not worth watching
(2/9/2019 6:33:53 PM)
19
to #3
what a nasty comment
looks like you can def do some Teshuva
(2/9/2019 6:43:54 PM)
20
to #1
you are wrong
You are not a rov
and not a Rebbe
and not a mashpia
and not an real educator
(2/9/2019 6:45:12 PM)
21
In town Mesivta...
Why did your son come home from Seder for lunch? How does the whole class have reshus to not come to night Seder?
Maybe send your kid to a out of town yeshiva where no one would have reshus to leave Seder and you're son won't have that pressure. In normal main stream mesivtas there's no question of watching the Superbowl even if a kid wanted to, and therefore there's no class pressure. I don't know your financial situation, so I can't judge, but this only shows the importance of a out of town yeshiva. When a bochur is near his home and has the option of watching the Superbowl...... These things happen....
Vyesh lharich bchol ze....
(2/9/2019 6:45:15 PM)
22
to #4
A chassidishe Tziyur is very important

It obviously should preferably come with with Chassidishe Pnimi
(2/9/2019 6:46:49 PM)
23
Proud parent
None of the boys in my son's CH yeshiva missed seder for the superbowl. It wasnt an issue.
(2/9/2019 6:49:29 PM)
24
I agree with no.8
U could let him watch after Seder but he should know its not the IKAR .......
The boys need some space too & eventually hell make his own correct decisions becuz u let him go........
(2/9/2019 6:52:11 PM)
25
Thank you
I appreciate your sentiments. Thank you for sharing.
(2/9/2019 7:09:47 PM)
26
not smart
there are alot worse things then the super bowl. there are alot worse things that can be done
(2/9/2019 7:32:26 PM)
27
silver spoon
I guess you've had a 'silver spoon in your mouth' all this time ie you have a bunch of wind-me-up Chassidishe kids BH BH BH.. or else this is your eldest. can you hear that your son is probably saying/SCREAMING "Ta, I feel like the weird one in the class and it's too hard for me to live that role; PLEASE HEAR AND UNDERSTAND ME! He needs first and foremost a yashar koach from you for having to face two worlds, even in yeshiva! (the world of velt vs Chassidishe family); how brave he is! And it wouldnt hurt to tell him that when you went to yeshiva it was not nearly as hard, since there was only ONE way. So once he sees that you HEAR him and his conflict then you can discuss the pros and cons WITH HIM not AT him, of watching the game vs not and of course set up a time to discuss in a calm way why Chassidishkeit is so important to you. (and the TRUE hashkafa) and how tricky the world can be in pulling someone down ch'v etc etc . We would ALL have loved to say "goyishe shtick!!!!" when our kids asked this, and be DONE with the problem. We DID learn the hard way that kids also need to be understood. OF COURSE Chassidishkeit is the truth. But kids need to be heard as well. Its not a simple thing. Wishing you much hatzlacha.

(2/9/2019 7:37:44 PM)
28
Sorry Tatty
You made a mistake letting him go after Seder.
A better response would be like what your father must have told you... "And if all your friends are eating chazer, you also should eat chazer?!"
Once you lower your standards, is a terrible downward spiral.
And what about the hanhalah? Do they really believe all the bochrim got a atomache ache that night? What were the repercussions for skipping seder?
It would have been so much better to say "your chavrusa isn't going to be there tonight? Oy. That's awful. I will come to zal with you and together we will learn and make your mother proud.
Keep up you standards, because if you want Jewish grandchildren, now is you last chance
(2/9/2019 7:40:06 PM)
29
Parents Today Are the Problem
It has nothing to do with chasidus. Parents today don't know how to say no to their kids.

Personally this wouldn't be an issue to me but I would've checked into the school and see how many bochurim were there before letting him go (just b/c your angel bochurel told you "everyone is going" doesn't make it so).

There's plenty of times I find my self telling my children no when I see parents caving on certain basic parental responsibilities
(2/9/2019 7:43:18 PM)
30
How could we complain
When we live in a community that hasn't had a unified beis din for 30 years, or any real leadership since Gimmel Tamuz, what do you expect are kids ro look up to... Demand unity and leadership and maybe we will have a chance.
(2/9/2019 7:45:57 PM)
31
Ch mom
You're 100%right to feel bad. These boys should not have been watching the super bowl! Mashpiim, parents and mechanxhim need to take all these issues seriously and teach CHASSIDISHE PRIDE AGAIN!
(2/9/2019 7:51:39 PM)
32
Best chinuch is to be living example of what you want them to be with out putting teenagers down
if you made your son feel shamed for wanting to watch the superbowl I think you are to blame. The best chinuch and influence you can have is quietly being who you want them to be without putting them down or making them feel like a bad person for doing what most teenagers at his age would want to do. Teenagers will soon be making all their own decisions. All you can do is empower them to choose the correct choice on their own. Next time your son may not ask permission at all. Empower them to make the right choices by being a living example and raising them up. Be ok with kids making mistakes. It's part of growing.
(2/9/2019 7:56:42 PM)
33
My opinion
the real question is, is it good for YOUR child to watch the game. if yes why the "family standard" would stop him to have fun with his friends. if it not good for him (I believe there are much better reasons than "family standard") why you weren't able to explain to him in a way that he will actually understand.
(2/9/2019 8:01:37 PM)
34
The struggle
Thank you for writing these important thoughts and feelings
(2/9/2019 8:02:58 PM)
35
Lubavitvh bochur
I'm a yeshiva bochur that likes to follow sports. And I watch the superbowl. There is no problem watching the Superbowl if you don't watch the ads and all the other things besides the game. For example the rebbe told leibel groner "mazal tov to the dogers" and they say shlomeh zarchi was a big sports fan. There's no problem watching a game and following sports if there's supervision and not in a grobe way.
(2/9/2019 8:03:06 PM)
36
What a Missed Oppertunity
What a shame. You had a real chance here to engage in REAL education for the sake of your son. Unfortunately you chose to lecture him about our family standard. In turn what he really heard (hence his firm opposition to your stance) was you telling him, that there is no you or Hashem in this whole picture. There is our family slandered there is a system and you are not following the system Likewise with taking of off from Yeshiva, also its not about you but about some system that hes not following. The message you give is that the system has nothing to do with your son as a person. The family system is not there to serve you rather you are here to serve the family system and slandered. Perhaps that is the reason that as you write the outcome? Nothing positive. Of course nothing positive. Our kids are not here to serve a family slandered.

Perhaps instead of speaking to your son about our family standard, you could have used the opportunity to speak with him about the values that drive our family standards. Instead of saying no, first understand fully where he is coming from, and then speak with him from your heart about why it may not be beneficial to go and watch the supper bowel.

You are taking for granted that he understands what can be wrong with it, and all thats left is to speak about our family standards. Speak with him about his Neshama, about the love for Yidishkeit and about what HE stands to gain from not participating in watching the supper bowl. Empathize with him about how difficult it is to withstand the peer-pressure, and then give him a big hug. And then tell him lets go out and have some fun together. Make him an offer he cant resist. Take him out to eat somewhere you know he would enjoy, take him to the city to a kosher venue (sky deck of freedom tower or whatever) bond with him and have a great time with him. You took such a golden opportunity to show him how human you are and how proud you are of him and teach him your values, and you exchanged it for lecturing him about the family system.

If you would take this approach on a regular basis than you have a chance that with when he grows up his family standards may resemble yours. However, if you keep on educating this way... I dont want to elaborate further .

As parents we are given every once in a while a real opportunity to educate and teach our values in a loving and caring way, lets not let these opportunities go to waste.

And of course a family needs to have standards we ALWAYS must remember that our standards are to serve the family and help them grow and not the opposite. The second we forget that, we stop educating and REALLY caring for our children as INDIVIDUALS.

I am afraid the only thing that has changed as a result of being 25 years from Gimmel Tammuz is that we are forgetting what the Rebbe has thought us about Chinuch and how to cherish the individualism of each child.

May Hashem give us the Kochos and to be able to be our children and as true .

A fellow parent,
(2/9/2019 8:14:21 PM)
37
Heter
There is no heter to watch tv, go to concerts and other "fun" things, at minimum as a zecher lchurban and because if bittul zman, I tell everyone looming for a "outlet" ledhavdil is to read stories on gedolim
(2/9/2019 8:17:18 PM)
38
Just a Thought
When we say today's day and age, do we understand what we are saying?
Today is galus. Deep dark galus. Each moment in galus we fall and continue to fall lower. It is shocking that the world has come to this, yes, but we know where it's coming from, and it ain't gonna get any better until moshiach comes.
So what do we do?
We learn. We learn how to hold on to a thin string that connects us to our roots, which is the Torah and chassidus, at the same time as showing the love we have for our children. It is painful that we've come to this, that the world has come to this, galus is no easy feat.
But if we want to do anything good in our lives, we must learn how to show our love to the next generation even when we feel like vomiting at what the world has come to.
(2/9/2019 8:21:28 PM)
39
This made me cry
I once used to be that "typical good chassidishe" girl. I was a good student and did well in school. But I had enough of being that good girl. I didn't get any attention from staff in school, cuz I was "better off"...and there were other girl who needed to be helped...
Unfortunatly it was too much for me and I saw that the only way to be "with it" was through doing things that are against halacha and being a "bad girl"

Maybe educators and parents should work on strengthening and giving attention to the good kids as well...can prevent a lot of problems
(Obviously this doesn't mean to ignore the other kids)
(2/9/2019 8:27:01 PM)
40
live by example
The only way to affect your son is by being a living example of how to live. If you told, "sure, I don't understand it, and I don't agree.," that's one thing. To not go at all...
The game was a really boring one. He would have watched it and then shrugged his shoulders next year and said it's a waste of time.
Just please tell him you love him no matter what and give him a hug.
(2/9/2019 8:44:56 PM)
41
A Great Teaching Moment
Peer pressure is a powerful force. Even Yosef's brothers succumbed to peer pressure. The scenario presented in the op-ed above was a great opportunity for an unforgettable bonding between father and son.
What is the best way to prepare your children for life?
Reward and punishment? The material world promises seemingly greater rewards if they follow its cues and seemingly worse consequences if they don't.
Obedience to authority? Along comes a strong personality and they will blindly follow.
Let them make their own mistakes and eventially they will figure it out? A dangerous route to take!
So what is the solution?
Tell your children what motivates you to keep Torah, tell them stories of others who stood up for what was right. Listen when they tell you about their day, praise them for their good choices, tell them that you trust them to make the right choices, but if they occasionally make the wrong choices, don't condemn them, but help them look at it as a learning experience.
It is the parent's job to give their children the tools with which he can continue to grow in Yiddishkeit and mentchlichkeit all his life.
Love for Hashem, love of Torah, love of every Jew, self-confidence, a thirst for learning whether it's from a sefer or from a podcast doesn't matter., and the ability to stop and think whether what he is about to do is good in Hashem's eyes..
Imagine if the father in the op-ed would have shown his son that he was listening to him and that he understood what a hard position his son was in, and that he empathized with him. Then he could have told his son of a similar test that he himself went through, and what the result was (it doesn't matter if it was a test that he overcame or failed, the lesson is the same). Finally, the father could tell the son that he will leave the decision up to him. He could suggest that his son find other boys who will choose seder over watching the game but ultimately let the boy make the decision!
(2/9/2019 8:47:54 PM)
42
Levy
Learning Rambam? Youre good!
(2/9/2019 8:55:33 PM)
43
cnl
You have to pick your fights. You want to win the war, not just the battles. If its not something major (which this is not) you sometimes have to compromise and not make a big deal over it!
(2/9/2019 8:57:32 PM)
44
Should've let him
Next time he'll do it without asking you and slowly it'll lead to worse things
(2/9/2019 9:00:28 PM)
45
A bochur of today
I am not gonna argue over the merits or demerits of following sports. I will however say that your abviuos pain is coming from a bad place. There is nothing inherently wrong with sports. You seem to take issue with the fact that it is something you didn't experience as a bochur, and therefore wrong. You seem to take issue with the fact that it "lowers our families standards". To this I say, open up your eyes.
your bochur years was unlike your fathers bochur years, and his unlike the years of his father before him, and as a bochur I know that my son's bochur years won't be like mine. Ppl are getting too caught up in what was done or how it was done, while the focus ought to be not what was done ( so long as it is not assur) but in the spirit behind the act.
Each generation cuts off a bit off the practices of the previous one, so let's not teach actions alone, let's teach perspective.
(2/9/2019 9:05:43 PM)
46
???
to the father.
i understand and feel? your pain. but, how come you didn't realize till now who your son's classmates are? if they are the type to watch the game and even miss yeshiva for that, their standards definitely would show up in other areas as well. and then you would realize that your son doesn't belong in that class.
(2/9/2019 9:12:36 PM)
47
Moishe
Lets be honest when a big percentage of todays Chabad is modern orthodox this is what happens and lets not blame the rebbe
(2/9/2019 9:15:36 PM)
48
To #2
Please fill us in. What Sicha are you referring to? Curious.
(2/9/2019 9:16:06 PM)
49
#39 should be sent to all those involved in chinuch!
Peer pressure is hard enough...Kal vachomer when hanhala gives into it!!
Yes it's there in yeshivos too.
(2/9/2019 9:22:33 PM)
50
Good for you 14
14 is the voice of reason here
(2/9/2019 9:34:41 PM)
51
To 35
What's the source of your Dodger story

Even if true, it has nothing to do with condoning a Bocher watching goyim with admiration and getting chayus from there Vildkeit (football not a sport for normal people)

The excitement you spend there is taken away from your Chasidus and Yidishkeit

You want to watch, it is your business, but don't say there is nothing wrong with it, it is a downward spiral.

I hope to never find my self in this father's situation, Hashem Yishmor.
(2/9/2019 9:53:48 PM)
52
Wow
This is one of the most ridiculous things ever watching sports is one of the greatest outlets for bochurim these day sans when everyone makes a big deal out of the small things that not only dont matter but actually help in ways u dont even know thats why kids are rebelling against their parents left and right these days trust me been there done that this is not the way to educate ur child
(2/9/2019 10:05:23 PM)
53
Thank you for writing this
My comment is that it's horrifying reading the comments of all the bochrim and girls above.
No respect for their parents, schools or authentic yiddishkeit.
A health child does not go off the derech because his father says no
A sick child, maybe.
Are all of you young people saying that you would rather fry out than accept the yoke of Torah?
You are swimming in the waves of assimilation, and convincing yourselves that you're safely in the kiddy pool.
Stop kidding yourselves. If t you are really so desperate that not being able to watch a bunch of grown men playing ball will reduce you to tears, PLEASE GET HELP NOW! There is more to life that goyish pastimes.
(2/9/2019 10:23:21 PM)
54
Loose the battle win the war
You might have given in but your son knows you are reasonable and now he can be honest with you about other things that will come up in his future.
(2/9/2019 10:36:12 PM)
55
To 15
FYI
Super Bowl is on a Sunday
(2/9/2019 10:40:42 PM)
56
Fun ein Tatte tzum tzveiten
Moshe gut gezugt
(2/9/2019 10:41:07 PM)
57
Yashar Koach #36 and #39
When a teen son surprises a parent like this, sometimes it's hard to answer "standing on one foot." Hindsight is always 20/20.

I agree that positive attention/recognition/reward could have helped here.

If there could have been some SIGNIFICANT reward to all boys at the yeshivah who attended and participated in all of night seder that night -- acknowledging that the temptation of the Super Bowl was there -- perhaps in this way, the yeshiva itself could have handled this issue.

As another person said above: Most of the out-of-town yeshivos would be a better place, in most cases, where the Super Bowl would simply not be this kind of issue.
(2/9/2019 10:49:54 PM)
58
Who's parents are hosting this truancy party, anyway????
If all of these bochurim live at home with their parents, whose parents are hosting this Super Bowl party that takes place "instead of" night seder -- the same night seder that they supposedly also enrolled their sons to attend and that they paid good tuition money for?????

I feel more sorry for the children of the party hosts, than for this boy, who at least heard and saw his father's genuine anguish over this sorry situation among his son's classmates.
(2/9/2019 10:54:05 PM)
59
I suspect...
If someone had videotaped the game, minus ads and cheerleaders, etc., and announced a party where this video would be shown COMPLETELY after seder that night (or the next night, etc. but not during seder), the attendance at this viewing would have been not great.
This was all about skipping seder, not so much about the game, IMHO.
(2/9/2019 10:58:01 PM)
60
familys standards
The writer is saying that he doesn't want to lower his family's standards. This comes across as some sort of status thing. Not one word about what the father might think Hashem might want, such as learning Torah.
Also, the father should maybe have a mashpia or Rav to ask with his son what should have been done. I have heard about a very chashuva chosid that he would listen to ballgames on the radio when he was young. Of course, radio is better because one is affected more by what he sees.
(2/9/2019 11:01:15 PM)
61
Smart
The issue isnt the fact you let your son watched the super bowl but the fact that ur writing an oped on this issue. the issue ur having is allot deeper. get a life I'm sure ur son is embarrassed. you're lost and if your only place you can turn to is writing a oped it's pretty bad it's time to rethink chinuch good luck. writing from the bottom of my heart, a devorced mother.
(2/9/2019 11:01:47 PM)
62
It's ADAR😃
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
(2/9/2019 11:03:12 PM)
63
Oy vai!
Dear parents,you do NOT know what 2019 is,and the way to fight the distractions is NOT to tell your kids that this is not our familys standards,because all thats going to be done is that they will try to lower their standards,what should have been done was sit down with him and explain to him that es iz a gut afen velt,and we are here with a mission.... obviously he wont fully understand but when you will engrave if In your children to be proud frum yidden cuz thats the best life ultimately they will grow up and make the right choices,eventually you will have to take off the training wheels and make sure that they know that they are not frum because of family standards becausethen then they will just look at it like its a burden and that they are restricting their life because of their parents so to say standards
May all parents have much hatzlacha in educating their children! And may they only see true yiddeshe nachas
(2/9/2019 11:26:26 PM)
64
Love your children.
"I feel like Im obligated to address the public with this issue after what happened this past week".

What happened this past week? Why do you feel obligated? Instead of looking at your perceived negative how about looking at the fact that your son was honest with you.

#28 "Jewish grandchildren"..with such an idiotic comment I'm going to give the chances of all your children staying Frum a very low probability. Thinking like this is why so many kids are off the derech.
(2/9/2019 11:44:11 PM)
65
To #61
You're speaking like a board bochur who watches the super bowl himself and has no idea in chinuch
(2/9/2019 11:51:53 PM)
66
To #61
What's your plan on Rethinking Chinuch exactly. This is a issue that started way before having a bunch of 30 yld singles....
We have to wake up this is a bitter gullus
Chevrah Mach kiddish this is where it hits the fan.....
(2/10/2019 12:04:15 AM)
67
Not sure what the issue is
This game had zero entertainment, Belichick made Goff look like he should be out of the league. There were only male cheerleaders. The commercials and halftime show were abysmal. Worst in at least fifteen years. (Why did they stop the Go Daddy commercials?) This was the year to show your son that it's not that much fun. Next year when the Jets are in, you're screwed. Sam Darnold is going to make it really entertaining. You lost out. As Bill Burr would say, "It's brutal!"
(2/10/2019 12:04:38 AM)
68
Family standards
I think making an article about this is the best way of lowering your family standards. Next time speak to your mashpia about it and keep it to yourself!
(2/10/2019 12:06:54 AM)
69
Mistake
If you don't let kids make they're own choices at a certain age like to watch the super bowl or other things that whether it's good or not are part of today's society and Norm your kid will most likely end up drop-in stuff later on in life cues he never really made the choice of that high standards you put on to him I'm saying this cues it's facts I'm in Dallas Brian right now and I see clearly that all my friends who where like you kid-kept under a rock his whole life will drop it when he gets old enough to make his own decisions I'd f he doesn't he isn't really happy cause he never really thought about what he's doing- never owned his own life and decisions this is facts this is how me all my friends and all buchrim fell and are nowadays so pleas for you son's own good let him live obviously as Loung as it's not devarim asurim but if it's stuff "that you didn't see as a kid" sorry buddy times Chang and if your gonna force you kid to not whatcha sports and simual stuff at leas sit down with him and give him a good and responsible explanation this is what buchrim in our gen need FACTS pleas take seriously not writing this to attack
(2/10/2019 12:07:24 AM)
70
Kol hakvod
I really appreciate you writing this article it is so true
(2/10/2019 12:13:45 AM)
71
It's Real true apedemic
These days the kids are out of control. In the good days a red bottom and would tech the kids a lesson!!
But you have to choose your fights either your arguing about that or about marrying a shaigetz
(2/10/2019 12:15:43 AM)
72
They should have put up the eruv
It would have saved us all the Superbowl problems
(2/10/2019 12:16:42 AM)
73
Thank you col
Thank you col for this article, it really made new think twice about watching the super bowl
(2/10/2019 12:18:06 AM)
74
Our fault
Who could blaime the youth of today when we have the rial models of today.
Perhaps you should have told your son to learn from others, sometimes how to be and most of the times how NOT to be.
(2/10/2019 12:36:52 AM)
75
You should just hide it all! Is that the best you could do for your kids
All the people who agree with the writer are wrong. You can't let your kids grow up with everything from the outside world hidden to them, because once they get into real life, it will hit them hard that they know nothing and that's where I'm at now, not able to get a job that pays for my family's bills and rent. So maybe if our yeshivas and cheders actually gave us something better than gemara for 14 hours a day then maybe I wouldn't be struggling finding a job, most of us who go to these schools walk away with what?! Just miserable that we can't get a real life job and end up being a mashgiach for ever. We don't know how to spell write math and lots of basics. So maybe you shouldn't worry so much about etting your son feel Happy before he's let out into this sad world that after the yeshiva system they just leave you hanging pushing you to get married and then letting life hit you that you can't support this family that you just started, because you can't get a basic job, sinc you are not prepared for anything! So what now, I say that you should watch next year's super bowl with him and enjoy the commercials because maybe that will give him some ideas about his future life and give him career ideas. Let your son enjoy it.
From a fellow person who cares about your son.
(2/10/2019 1:27:11 AM)
76
To comment 48
It's me, comment #2
I wasn't referring to any in specific rather many, in general, the Rebbe's Torah.
Now that you've asked for a specific, check out this weeks parsha (tetzaveh) likutei sichos chelek chof alef. Learn it well (read a good 4 or 5 times) and then spend some time applying The Rebbe's Hora'a to your (our) current circumstances.
(2/10/2019 1:48:58 AM)
77
Public school graduate
Id hardly heard of Tefillin growing up, yet my parents had an attitude of indifference- shtusim- to the super bowl, as was passed to me. (There are deeper potential chassidim in the world than...) The social environment, however, is a chance to connect with those that are more enthusiastic about it- and to be influential. This could be the case in the general public, but students in Ohelei Torah to struggle with such, and to need that outlet? Maybe they need downtime, or time to fabrang, more. If they really want to relate with the public (for mivtzoim), at most, watch the abridged recap. Keep focused on what is most important! Mivtzoim is the time that students connect with those dimensions. The super bowl?
The public focuses on shtusim as a tool to kedusha. The community starts with kedusha, and, occasionally, bends, out of necessity, to assist the public. Limitations for that arent clearly drawn, as pikuach nefesh does not have clearly defined paremeters.
Id say the father was not wrong. He could have mentioned that if he were to go (could have kept 2/3rds the seder) he should take the chance to connect with classmates, using it to motivate them in learning, and mivtzoim. This- could- lift standards. Otherwise, he should have said to go to seder, express personal character to be there, but sit and fabrang with someone. Make a deeper relationship with someone there. (Maybe someone new.)
The attitude in the students is weak. Comprehending the reponsibities of those that possess Torah, toward the Jewish people, should be able to recognize their lack of comprehension.
However, there is a need to advance the well being of students, that they have opportunity to connect. Someone that thinks it must be mirrored as the public does is foolish.
There is a time for that avodah to be dominant, assisting a shaliach, etc. Its exchanged with knowledge of the mivtzoim campaigns, with the recipient, potentially for such connection as watching a Super Bowl. At that time, it is OK. Not between classmates that miss the essence of what the super bowl is- connecting with Chaverim. Chassidim are connected by Torah, and helping Jews. This has tremendous brachos.
Perhaps his father could start a discussion group in his crowd on how to benefit the community, or the Jewish publics access to education (Tefillin, Mezuzah, etc).
(2/10/2019 2:00:22 AM)
78
Re-read
EVERYONE SHOULD READ # 36, 38 & 65 very carefully...wise words that can be of help ....it is so hard being a parent...a part of golus that is dreadful.
May we merit Modhisch now
(2/10/2019 5:46:47 AM)
79
Get help
#53 Are you saying that 20% + - of our youth and young adults are sick?
(2/10/2019 6:38:19 AM)
80
Gartel and superbowl
Next year, put on a gartel, say lshem yichud and watch the superbowl with your son in your own home. If you so choose during the commercial breaks learn some rambam with him.
Look up Avi Fishoff and Twisted Parenting for more on this very important topic.
(2/10/2019 6:48:02 AM)
81
Serving G-d
We will be proud again when we teach our children from a young age that Yiddishkeit is about G-d and His kavannah and not about measuring our family standards... Wishing the writer, his son, and all those with similar struggles (on both sides of the story) only bracha and hatzlacha in the future.
(2/10/2019 6:56:49 AM)
82
To #21
Who are you to say that in town yeshivahs aren't a normal main stream yeshivahs. The are many in town in ch yeshivahs (chovevei Torah) which doesn't stand for the Superbowl. And is better than many other "main stream" out of town yeshivahs. In which parents think that their kids aren't watching the Superbowl but if they only knew what their kids were doing...
(2/10/2019 7:05:20 AM)
83
Change is a process.
Dear parent,

Its alright. You did well. Your actions and thoughts reflect a standard for what you feel is truth, and giving permission to your child to see the end of the game reflects your kindness as well. That being said, nourish your relationships you have so that the path others take to nourish themselves dont collide with your stobborn personality. I can assure you that s confident male growing up who respects others, especially his father will learn to trust himself and feelings over the feelings and standards of others at the moment the maturity of self rises with his age - be a father, not a tyrant. Mourn your feelings of expectations that you feel things ought to be, or would have been and except a beautiful reality where your son will bond with his friends, follow the guidelines he was taught by detouring his own, and loving his main male figure.

Hatslacha
(2/10/2019 7:26:17 AM)
84
Shiach had the answer
My good friend YB encouraged his son to learn a blatt or two of Gemorah and Chassidus as well and rewarded him with tickets to a basketball game (they went together).Today this bocher is a successful shaliach doing fabulous work with Cteens and Friendship Circle.. a little light can certainly dispel the darkness.
(2/10/2019 8:12:26 AM)
85
Chabad became all about the gimmick
As a BT I've seen how far standards have fallen. When most of big chabad Chanukah events are held in sports venues, it's funny no one sees the irony of celebrating not be influenced by gashmiyus with gashmiyus. We have this keeping up with the goyim attitude which make events tons of fun but won't bring on any serious growth. Quite actually the opposite. Most Chabad events I find super conflicting morally since I became BT in the days of the Rebbe.
Essentially I don't think there's anything wrong with watching football it's more detrimental to watch the commercials and the half time game.
We need to give kids something to be proud of. If most of our popular figureheads are lacking in this aspect there isn't anyone for our youth to look up to.
(2/10/2019 8:14:22 AM)
86
In town yeshiva
As someone who spent 3 years in a in town mesivta, i need to say that it was the worst 3 years of my life for all the reasons mentioned (peer pressure, going oit with friends, smartphone at home...), parents can't make sure the kids are on the right path and yeshiva definitely can't when they are onky with the bochurim during day hours.
Obviously out of town yeshivas have issues as well, but there isn't a situation when most ppl do something not positive in they're off hours.
(2/10/2019 9:20:18 AM)
87
My mesivta years...
I grew up in a very chassidishe family bh, and when i got to mesivta i obviously started to see the 'big world', but i think what kept me frum and somewhat chassidish today 15 years later is that whenever i did something that my parents would not approve, i just made sure they did not know.
Eventually after my teen years i started to think why i didn't want them to know and came to a conclusion that it was obviously not the right thing and i did it only bc of friends and stupidity...
I am talking about things far worse them sports (which i think is a pretty decent outlet for bochurim compared to other temptations of the world...)
(2/10/2019 9:25:58 AM)
88
Unreal!!
People are complaining abt watching the super bowl?
Get real, nothing wrong with it.
Its more Chassidish watching the super bowl then all this loshon hara going on. Especially watching Brady show his greatness and watching how some one digs in to bring out his greatness. Just like everyone should watch game 6 of the basketball championship when Michael Jordan lehavdil dug deep down of his atzmuts and won the game
(2/10/2019 9:40:04 AM)
89
Join him!
Once your child is desperate, would you consider joining him or even hosting his friends for the super bowl after Seder? This way you can get the feel and monitor his social life and circles.
As others stated, not necessarily because he said his whole class is watching, is it that true.
In addition, the best way to prevent this challenge, is by living a real Geshmake Yidishe and Chasidishe life, genuine and not to impress anyone else. Don't blame the system, the schools, the leaders and Rabanim. Invest all your energy and creating a worm loving and caring home. A home your child will be proud of and will never want to turn away from.
(2/10/2019 10:04:02 AM)
90
Ebbits feild
When the Brooklyn dodgers used to play down the street from 770:, guys used to always go to the games
(2/10/2019 10:04:49 AM)
91
Sir
I get the feeling that you and your child aren't on the same page. Get to know your kid
(2/10/2019 10:16:09 AM)
92
A bachur in the lameds
Reading this op-ed I am horrified how lubavitch has gone caring about real issues to chitzoiniyus things that don't matter at all I remember our mashpiim talking with us about sports and even farbrenging when our teams won the world series or Superbowl etc. I think it's time you get a mashpia specially now that there are 5 full time mashpiim that are ready at all times to deal with people that need hadracha specially rabbi Goldberg a man which helps tens of bachrim find shidduchim even when they don't know that they need one...
(2/10/2019 10:30:09 AM)
93
Make the most of what perhaps WAS your son's opening up to you!
I am not in your shoes but as a parent I appreciate the special moment that your son presented to you when he felt that he could open up to you and share with you how he was feeling.
Not all children feel that they can. I suggest that you appreciate this kesher and try to find a solution to his quandary that is acceptable to both of you.

Rov Hatzlacha!
(2/10/2019 10:41:56 AM)
94
Super Bowl Nechama
Letting your son go is probably the right thing, sadly. Of course it is shetusim but no kid wants to stand out like a sore thumb and if you cause that you are creating a rift between him and you. You put him into a chassidishe atmosphere now focus on doing the best to keep relationship. vyichanchah elokim
(2/10/2019 1:28:00 PM)
95
35 62 80
i dont understand why this is a question for frum people, watching sports is ossur. its chukos hagoyim.

right and happy are the same things. right means following torah which is true happiness' which is what adar is all about. a bunch of people screaming like monkeys in a statium is not happiness.

twisted parenting is exactly what it is:twisted/ which rov was maskim to such kefira? you cannot be mesayeya ldvar avera. kids need to be taught right from wrong and to listen to their parents.

i guess we need a brisker to teach us how to be chassidishe yidden

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=42308

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=38314
(2/10/2019 1:48:07 PM)
96
To 76
Which Sicha in Chelek Chof Alef?
Thanks
(2/10/2019 4:53:40 PM)
97
To 53
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
It was horrifying for me to read your comment. Yes there is a problem with us youth, but remember that all those adults out there complaining about us are the ones that raised us..😉 Don't u dare call us teens sick! That's exactly why we try to rebel. I am a girl who couldn't care less about the super bowl, but it's a much larger issue.
I sincereliy hope you are are some 16 year old having fun and not an adult who is involved with children. May God have mercy on you and your children.
(2/10/2019 5:08:02 PM)
98
to #53
i hope you can go some serious help , atleast for your children. i have dealt with many children that had parents with such a view, their children turning off the derech is so unimportant to their messed up life. when we start realizing what true yiddishkeit is , and start showing true love ahavas yisroel ( not what you think is love but emeseh love, we might be able to keep our children in yiddishkeit cuz they truly want to
(2/10/2019 10:25:58 PM)
99
a shame
in the good old times , we had some1 we coud look up to, ( r Mendel Futerfass, R Berke Chein etc) nowadays theres no more poeple we can look up to. the new generation are looking up to people that are kind and loving and caring. they read thru the fakeness ( including fake chassidishkeit) if it doesnt start ,in the middle and finish of with true caring and love , nothing you say even if its correct will help. also they are searching for real heroes . most people writing here have no clue, hence the younger generation are searching by watching athletes and others.
(2/10/2019 10:43:42 PM)
100
The truth is that...
None of us know what we would have said or done in that situation. We are not this man nor have walked a day in his shoes. We do not have his son for a son and have the years of experience of parenting him from the moment he was born. How can anyone say what they would have done or even JUDGE this man as a parent based off of one single COL article? I may not agree with what the writer did, but shame on everyone for being so shallow and chitzonyius'dik to judge someone based off of a col article?
To the writer, kol ha kavod for having the guts to write this article and to stand up for what you believe in. While I think it's a bit extreme to call watching the super bowl "the beginning of the end" when it comes to frumkeit, I commend you on your commitment to family values and standards. How many of us can say that we have such a set up deep-rooted values in our family? Everything (not just goyishe media) is so shallow and rootless that it's actually quite refreshing to see someone with such strong principles and beliefs. I think it's awesome that you feel so strongly about this, I just happen to think that you may have made an issue out of something not worth making an issue out of.
The truth is that most (if not all) kids today have access to EVERYTHING, the best I think we can do is live by example, love our kids unconditionally, and daven to Hashem.
(2/10/2019 11:15:51 PM)
101
Wake up
Take your head out of the sand. There are way more problems to be worried about than watching the Superbowl. Just be happy your son isn't taking any drugs yet, like the rest of his class and Lubavitch.
(2/11/2019 2:13:28 AM)
102
Sounds identical to the conversations about cellphones...
Look what happened - 99% of parents gave in and now our kids have 24/6 access to who-knows-what and can't focus on anything other than texting. I believe the writer is correct. Parents SHOULD stand up and hold to standards. Kids don't run the show.
(2/11/2019 7:39:26 AM)
103
A father
I never watched super bowl. Last year My son came with the same hysterics. We couldn't understand each other. So I said OK you can watch, but I'll watch with you. It actually opened up a connection between us. I didnt become a sports fan and I still don't get the whole shtick, but my relationship with my son is much better. As a result we learn together more often and he is very open to me, he doesn't hide anything from me and I know where he is holding, a chassidshe bochur. He may like a little sports, but his Koch is in learning.
(2/11/2019 10:46:48 AM)
104
from the old times
my father is a chabad chossid in his 70s kah and watched sports as a child, plenty of teachers, roshai yishivos....watched and played sports, there is nothing wrong with it and is a clean, healthy sport.....for the one who wrote about sending boys out of town you have no clue what is going on in the yeshivos out of town, i guess if you cant see it does not exist. if you let your child do certain clean, healthy entertainment he will be open with you, if not he may one day do that plus worse behind your back.
(2/11/2019 12:54:42 PM)
105
Robert Kraft Jewish philanthropist
Think of the Jewish pride in watching a team whose owner is a big supporter of Israel. Imho, father and son should have shared this moment together.
(2/12/2019 11:22:45 AM)
106
you need to be on your sons side
sooner or later he will be independent and will do what he wants
don't suffocate him, band give him a bad feeling of yiddishkeyt
Its not a sin to watch the superbowl, however shtus it may be, he didn't ask you 'can i go on drugs', or something crazy like that.
The right would be to let him go with his friends, and tell him:' if there's anything you see that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can leave.

Give him the power but also the freedom to choose the right thing. You don't want to win the battle but loose the war
hatzlocho in understanding your son!
(2/13/2019 10:09:09 PM)
107
Unreal
My father who has absolutely no interest or understanding of sports recognized it was my outlet. He actually took me to a game. The only person in black slacks and white button-down shirt. He understood my need. While I was yelling and being a fan, he calmly sat next to me learning his 3 perokim of Tanya. Kids are not you. You lead by example and show them uncompromising love and devotion. That way, years later, if there ever is an issue, a kid will appreciate that their parents' opinions are coming out of love and not a reflexive response of no.
(2/14/2019 11:56:19 AM)
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