What a Shidduch Resume Says…

By Rabbi Zalman Goldberg

As a shadchan, I have access to myriads of shidduch profiles. Quite often, these profiles are inspired by shidduch websites in which the individual is prompted to include various information and descriptions. Many of the profiles are of people who I am familiar with and when I receive these profiles it affords me a whole new experience in understanding (the individual and) their approach to shidduchim.

We can generally divide the various different kinds of resumes into two categories; those with long descriptions of ‘looking for’ and ‘personal description’, and those that are short and to the point shidduch preferences.

Now, without getting into the advantages and disadvantages of each, one thing is for certain; the more brief resumes are obviously leaving out a ton of information that the more elaborate ones are including. Why would anyone do that? Being more specific about the various descriptions is seemingly recommended. So are the individuals with the less descriptive resumes absentmindedly leaving out information, or is that a sign of their approach to shidduchim in general?

If you asked the average person, his/her motto would be ‘the more [info], the merrier’. I.e. The more descriptive you are about the individual in discussion and about what they seek in a spouse, the more they feel that the profile is a worthy representation of themselves. This can be applied both to the single searching for a shidduch and to the parents of the individual (who is at times the one who composes the profile).

Rarely do I come across a two-liner description, which is concise and to the point. Ironically, as the reader (not the author) of the resumes, I always come out with a clarity of the kind of person when the resume is brief, and I am empowered to represent these types of people with ease.

It’s not by the well-explained descriptions that I get this vibe. Although people put in a lot of energy and thought into preparing these documents, my summary of the situation is, not only that I don’t really have clarity about the individual, but more so, all of the information seems to have seriously limited them. When a person takes the initiative to limit themselves, I read it that the plan is to have an extensive shidduch journey until someone who fits into their limitations is suggested.

The briefer the resume is, the more exhilarated I become because it’s a sign that the person is more interested in getting married than in having an interesting shidduch journey.

For a shadchan, this is the optimal situation. Of course, I am not encouraging no description at all, because then one risks being suggested a name which is way off the mark. Some description is necessary, but it’s the clearest when it’s kept to the minimum.

One can generalize this to be the simple approach to marriage, contrasted by the more descriptive and therefore more complicated approach.

Often when people are younger the approach will be significantly simpler than when one gets older, especially with experience. Once one is educated either due to age, experience or because someone was kind enough to educate him or her, one loses the purity in one’s approach. At that point, when one becomes smart enough to know what to request in a shidduch and when one ‘understands’ oneself better, one actually limits oneself more and more, making it harder to get married. I, as a shadchan, can attest that this is מעשים בכל יום.

We then see that the younger one begins one’s search for a spouse with whom to build a home, the simpler it will be, and the longer one waits to commence the process, the more of a process it is likely to be. What it means to ‘begin’ is the whole discussion on its own. Whereas it is very possible that there are those who think that they began, in reality, they are merely interesting themselves, rather than actually getting involved.

Interestingly in our history, shidduchim was always pursued when very young. Now, although these days it is not accepted practice to marry at such young ages, there is still a lesson that we can derive from our history: To NOT follow the American path that it’s not such a priority to get married, it’s more important to marry the ‘right’ person, and to make sure you know the prospect very well before committing. In the vast majority of cases, this hinders the process exponentially. It’s really about actually getting married,(even if there is no shidduch drama), and when one begins young with a ‘young’, make-it-happen approach, success is sure to be achieved and in good timing.

This is not only a call to action for people who are in the early stages of the post-educational system, rather this can be applied to anyone who really wants to make it happen!! At any age, the ‘young’ approach can be adopted and put to work.

When proper effort is invested, Hashem will surely crown the endeavor with His blessings of success.

Rabbi Goldberg lectures on Shidduch related matters, as well as meeting individuals and/or their parents to provide individual guidance. He can be reached at 347-546-4402 or [email protected]