Jul 5, 2018
What a Shidduch Resume Says...

It's not what's written in a shidduch resume, but the length of it that tells shadchan Rabbi Zalman Goldberg all he needs to know.

By Rabbi Zalman Goldberg

As a shadchan, I have access to myriads of shidduch profiles. Quite often, these profiles are inspired by shidduch websites in which the individual is prompted to include various information and descriptions. Many of the profiles are of people who I am familiar with and when I receive these profiles it affords me a whole new experience in understanding (the individual and) their approach to shidduchim.

We can generally divide the various different kinds of resumes into two categories; those with long descriptions of 'looking for' and 'personal description', and those that are short and to the point shidduch preferences.

Now, without getting into the advantages and disadvantages of each, one thing is for certain; the more brief resumes are obviously leaving out a ton of information that the more elaborate ones are including. Why would anyone do that? Being more specific about the various descriptions is seemingly recommended. So are the individuals with the less descriptive resumes absentmindedly leaving out information, or is that a sign of their approach to shidduchim in general?

If you asked the average person, his/her motto would be 'the more [info], the merrier'. I.e. The more descriptive you are about the individual in discussion and about what they seek in a spouse, the more they feel that the profile is a worthy representation of themselves. This can be applied both to the single searching for a shidduch and to the parents of the individual (who is at times the one who composes the profile).

Rarely do I come across a two-liner description, which is concise and to the point. Ironically, as the reader (not the author) of the resumes, I always come out with a clarity of the kind of person when the resume is brief, and I am empowered to represent these types of people with ease.

It's not by the well-explained descriptions that I get this vibe. Although people put in a lot of energy and thought into preparing these documents, my summary of the situation is, not only that I don't really have clarity about the individual, but more so, all of the information seems to have seriously limited them. When a person takes the initiative to limit themselves, I read it that the plan is to have an extensive shidduch journey until someone who fits into their limitations is suggested.

The briefer the resume is, the more exhilarated I become because it's a sign that the person is more interested in getting married than in having an interesting shidduch journey.

For a shadchan, this is the optimal situation. Of course, I am not encouraging no description at all, because then one risks being suggested a name which is way off the mark. Some description is necessary, but it's the clearest when it's kept to the minimum.

One can generalize this to be the simple approach to marriage, contrasted by the more descriptive and therefore more complicated approach.

Often when people are younger the approach will be significantly simpler than when one gets older, especially with experience. Once one is educated either due to age, experience or because someone was kind enough to educate him or her, one loses the purity in one's approach. At that point, when one becomes smart enough to know what to request in a shidduch and when one 'understands' oneself better, one actually limits oneself more and more, making it harder to get married. I, as a shadchan, can attest that this is îňůéí áëě éĺí.

We then see that the younger one begins one's search for a spouse with whom to build a home, the simpler it will be, and the longer one waits to commence the process, the more of a process it is likely to be. What it means to 'begin' is the whole discussion on its own. Whereas it is very possible that there are those who think that they began, in reality, they are merely interesting themselves, rather than actually getting involved.

Interestingly in our history, shidduchim was always pursued when very young. Now, although these days it is not accepted practice to marry at such young ages, there is still a lesson that we can derive from our history: To NOT follow the American path that it's not such a priority to get married, it's more important to marry the 'right' person, and to make sure you know the prospect very well before committing. In the vast majority of cases, this hinders the process exponentially. It's really about actually getting married,(even if there is no shidduch drama), and when one begins young with a 'young', make-it-happen approach, success is sure to be achieved and in good timing.

This is not only a call to action for people who are in the early stages of the post-educational system, rather this can be applied to anyone who really wants to make it happen!! At any age, the 'young' approach can be adopted and put to work.

When proper effort is invested, Hashem will surely crown the endeavor with His blessings of success.

Rabbi Goldberg lectures on Shidduch related matters, as well as meeting individuals and/or their parents to provide individual guidance. He can be reached at 347-546-4402 or bitachon@gotbitachon.com

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Opinions and Comments
If no one suggest anything normal to you when you are younger, you get older.
(7/5/2018 10:21:40 PM)
You want the resumes to be long enough, and with enough information, so that they can marry each other without even going out? Why would anyone put their life story on a piece of paper that is passed around so publicly? I know I wouldn’t. Isn’t dating about finding out about one another?
(7/5/2018 10:49:49 PM)
Amazing work; long awaited article!
He really crossed the I's; and dotted the T's. Finally someone, who is concerned; legitimately about proper marriage of age.
(7/5/2018 10:51:45 PM)
So in other words ...
Essentially what you are actually saying is that it’s great when people have no real wants or needs and are thrilled to marry anyone that breathes.
(7/5/2018 11:18:44 PM)
It's not what is ON the resume that is significant, it's what is NOT said. No matter how long the profile is (& I do not want to be bogged down reading pages of minutae!) read between the lines. Then ask people closer to you than the other party about the prospective match. I find I get more info on the phone by listening to the tone of voice & hesitations.
(7/5/2018 11:30:39 PM)
The SHIDDUCH CRISIS is to a great extent due to the
resume innovation.
When people communicate there is a much clearer idea
of who the prospective shidduch candidate is and what
they are looking for.
Thanks to the era of emails quantity destroys quality.
A shadchan can receive hundreds of emails . Many are
written by friends or professionals . How many of them
clearly describe the person? Rather its about writing up
nice description.
It can't ever compare to meeting in person and being
impressed which would lead to an idea of what they
are looking for.
The sooner we return to the old fashion way the better.

(7/5/2018 11:34:14 PM)
Thank you Rabbi Goldberg.
Great & insightful article!
(7/5/2018 11:56:01 PM)
if making a shidduch is as hard as parting the Sea:
Then it must mean that for each person, there is only a very narrow set of traits, that would be compatible with their personality.
So it should help to find the specific shidduch for each person if they do have a long entry about what they are looking for.
If someone needs a part for their washing machine, they do not just say "oh give me any maytag part", no they specify part number 3458201-c for maytag model 5305 (or whatever the actual numbers are for a specific part for a specific machine.
(7/6/2018 1:06:36 AM)
Honestly, you really learn very, very little about the person from their resume. Especially a shidduch resume. Someone can write they are an outgoing person, because in their mind they are, yet in real life they are really not. And obviously so many more examples.

In general, especially in the work force, short and concise resumes that leave the reader wanting more, are what get you hired. You need to be clear. You need to be to the point.

But, the most important thing is the interview. You must make a good impression. We are so much more than what our resumes say about us. Whether in Torah and mitzvos, or in our abilities to be an executive at the local BofA. We singles need to put ourselves out there and meet these other people. Going the standard route of a shadchan, with all due respect Rabbi Goldberg, really does not work for your average guy/girl that aren't 23/20 just entering the parsha.

Thankfully, there are some wonderful people helping the issue and are arranging singles events and speed dating events. These are done in complete tznius'ness and are actually quite wonderful. I'd suggest it to anyone who's interested.
(7/6/2018 1:07:05 AM)
What's the point?
Perhaps the concise vs long description has more to do with their writing skills and not how their approach to life will be. This article can make singles feel really uncomfortable and start second guessing themselves and their resumes. They're under enough stress
(7/6/2018 4:29:43 AM)
Excellent piece
Thank you for articulating what many of us have been feeling the shidduch system is flawed
I believe you are on target when you say the long resumes that are all about ME and what I want and don’t want is symptomatic of the bigger picture .
Too many older singles with too much time on their hands and so they talk and talk and get nowhere. They need to decide if they really WANT to get married and not just talk endlessly about not finding the right one and just hanging out with other eligible singles and never choosing one to marry. I too do shidduchim occasionally and all I hear is “we’re just friends”.

Let’s return to earlier marriages. As you said it will bring more happiness in the long run to everyone. Hazlacha to all who are truly looking for their bashert.
(7/6/2018 5:41:05 AM)
Shidduch resume?
I remember the good old days when there was no shidduch resume. Where a shadchan just met with you and discussed potential shidduchim. Any resume locks you in. When sending a resume for a job you need to tailor the resume to that particular job leaving out facts that are very helpful but for another job. So this is the same problem with a shidduch resume
(7/6/2018 7:11:03 AM)
Just because someone is able to "describe themselves " so to speak in a briefer manner, doesn't mean they are less picky or more serious about finding a shidduch.
And for those who do write a long description about themselves, sometimes it can mean they are more unturned with themselves and know who they are as a person. How many times have I seen a 2 line resume, That tells u barely anything about the individual! And then u see the longer resumes where u are able to get a better picture of the person. A resume should at least try to portray who you are, isnt that the point of the resume?! Even though u can't fully know a person till u meet them.
(7/6/2018 7:49:00 AM)
Thank you!
That was very informative and interesting, may you be blessed with lots of success!
(7/6/2018 8:05:14 AM)
another parent
since no one trusts what's written on the paper, it makes sense to just list "name, rank, and serial number"
so at least people know that you are "in the parsha"
good article.
another point to ponder:
in traditional jewish marriage, the focus is on both parties dedicating themselves to building and maintaining the institution of marriage. in today's society, there is more focus on the "who" we are marrying, which is not a stable basis to build a Jewish home, as people grow and change. The Rebbe always recommended that the bracha of a good Jewish Marriage is one that is based on building a home steeped in learning Torah, doing mitzvos, and living chassidishe values...
(7/6/2018 8:44:44 AM)
Google Forms Killed The Resume
I work in HR and receive job resumes all the time, it is very difficult to even read as there is no fixed format and people choose to say what they think is good to say.

I started using a simple google form with a list of questions that I would like to know about them, some with written answers and some with a sliding scale to grade themselves.

I think shadchanim should make a list of real questions, questions that the way they are answered can define someones charachter.

The best thing about it is that it organizes all the data to a spreadsheet and is a lot easier to search for someone based on certain charachtaristics.
(7/6/2018 8:45:41 AM)
How can you assume
That an older single doesn't want to get married? You obviously never experienced that struggle.
(7/6/2018 8:59:15 AM)
god sent
classic, non quantified requirements in order to feel the "vibes" of the person. so typical of anyone with clout in our circles think they have a sixth sense or something.
(7/6/2018 9:56:25 AM)
Looking for a shidduch (if you are mature and ready) is knowing and acknowledging that you want to get married so you can give, share, build, and fill the other person. Dont lose sight .
(7/6/2018 11:10:42 AM)
Shidduchim are min hashamayim
What if there is nobody you've met thus far that you would marry? Or of those people, they wouldn't marry you? The author seems to claim he could marry anyone, or almost anyone. But shidduchim are from heaven and, very simply, many singles haven't met their match. Stop putting unnecessary pressure on them by making them feel they're doing something wrong. Stop judging the most intimate part of someone else's life: their desires and motivation. If they are one of those minority older singles who don't want to get married, and not the majority of ones who were simply burned by the resume/bad suggestions syndrome, then it's not your hishtadlus in life to judge them.
(7/6/2018 11:46:34 AM)
-16 great idea!!
Many successful shadchanim, mainly in Israel, use classification systems, that aren't per se about pigeonholing people, but being able to easier understand trends and what values are showstoppers for people
(7/6/2018 12:18:14 PM)
Binyan Adei Ad
It's not about getting married. It's about being married to the right person. The wedding day is an artifical finish line, and focusing on that is misguided. I agree with #8. Encouraging our children to "just marry anybody" is the wrong approach, and ends up scaring our young people, when they see their siblings and friends with the wrong person, unhappily 'sticking it out.' Obviously relationships take work, and obviously everyone needs to grow, but that needs to be with someone you feel safe and happy with. Look at the Rebbe's writings. It's all there.
(7/6/2018 12:35:43 PM)
#8 parting the sea means
That you don't do it. You actually can't part the sea.
The one that does it is Hashem. The Yidn were supposed to be quiet and see Hashems salvation.
Here too about Shiduchim.
We need to concentrate in what Hashem wants.
First we need to focus in ourselves to be in tune with what Hashem wants from us.
Then when we look for a shiduch we'll look for someone that is in tune with same values plus the hamshochas halev required.
Basically when we concentrate in what Hashem wants which is the purpose of our lives, we just watch what Hashem does which is part the water, we go out and see if the relationship happens and developes. And when starts developing it means that Hashem is parting the water, something that we cannot do and when the most important things fit, and there is hamshochas halev, the rest follows be"H.
(7/6/2018 2:07:44 PM)
Thank you to 20- it's def. Min hashamayim! Im quite confused by this idea that it's more important to get married thsn to be msrried to the right person?! Better for who?
(7/6/2018 2:23:53 PM)
To 22
You missed the point entirely. The whole notion of marrying the right person is a completely goyishe concept. Torah teaches that if you are married, then it automatically is the right person, so just go get married and dont krich in every stupid, petty detail. Obviously pay attention when you meet someone, but in real life it's more important that you learn how to accept someone else despite their imperfections than it is to find someone who matches your absurd, imaginary idea of what you think you need.

This whole idea of "let me find the right one, then I'll marry them" is completely false. The truth is that we need a mentality of "let me want to and be willing to marry anyone, and then Hash-m will make sure I marry the right person."
(7/6/2018 3:56:48 PM)
Agree with the author 100%. I personally had miserable time in shidduchim until I just let go and said what I really felt, which is that I don't really care what my future wife looks like on paper, I just want to marry whoever the Oibershter wants me to marry. I met my wife less than a week later and I didn't read her profile or call any of her references. I didn't see a picture and it all worked out fine. When we let Hash-m do His job we find out that He knows what we really need better than we ever could have known.

In my experience, I never really cared about these things but other people told me I had to care and be specific and "figure out what I wanted." Well, it didn't work and when I stopped trying to "figure it all out" the Oibershter had no problem finding me a wonderful shidduch. BTW, if I still would have been in that same mindset of "figuring out what IIIIII need" I never, ever, would have agreed to even meet my wife. Everything about the "paper version" of her was "not right."

All of this stuff is goyishe shtusim and people should just wake up a realize that we're not in charge and we don't really need to be because Hash-m already is and He's very good at His job. Keep it simple folks.
(7/6/2018 3:59:18 PM)
Rabbi Goldberg wrote a wonderful article
Thank you Rabbi Goldberg for the insightful article. There is so much more to a person than words on a resume. Basic information, such as family, friends, and which yeshivas attended should suffice to do your own research. So many terms today can be defined in so many ways. Just one example what does it even mean to say "frum."
(7/6/2018 4:40:05 PM)
to #s 23 and 25, I am #8
To #23 If you are just supposed to sit around and wait for
H-sh-m to do what he wants, then there is no point of going to a shadchan, at all.
It reminds me of the story of the Melech who was told by a navi, that his daghter was going to marry a poor person.
The Kind locked her up in a high tower that only he had the key to the entrance for.
G-d made the guy go to sleep inside the hide of an animal for warmth on a cold night and a giant bird picked it up with him inside and dumped it on the balcony of the tower the kings daughter was in.
So if you are going to just rely on h-sh-m and you think doing anything at all shows a lack of emunnah, then forget about any shadchan and just sit around and wait.
But that is not was I was told by Chabad rabbis in a Chabad yeshivah to do.

To #25 If marrying the right person is so goyish, then why does halacha specifically say that a person should try to get his daughter to marry a Talmud Chacham?
What about the story of the Roman Empress who told the Tanna that she could marry all her servants to each other ina single day and they came back the enxt day with broken bones and other problems from the fighting they got from their wives, and how not one of them worked out?
It's not just 'imperfections'.
If you care about not speaking Loshon Hara and your potential spouse does nothing but gossip every chance they get, you two are not compatible, and you should have looked more closely.
If you can't stand the cold and your spouse can't take it when the room is hot, you two are going to have a lot of problems living together.
I could never live with someone for example who would demand I believe and accept everything they say just because they say and who would call all my ideas "absurd" or 'imaginary'.
I have a lot of ideas for business and inventions, and some
complainer who just shoots down every idea I had as stupid and absurd, would leave me totally unfulfilled in life.
And G-d did not give me these ideas just to have them suppressed by the negativity of others, my spouse, included.
Living with such a person would be a nightmare for me, and there is nothing in Torah that says a person is supposed to entrap themselves in anything like that, just to marry 'anyone'.
(7/6/2018 5:23:11 PM)
Quit the resume
I honestly believe its a big contribution to the shiduch crisis
(7/6/2018 6:59:35 PM)
Mendel, 23
“Once one is educated either due to age, experience or because someone was kind enough to educate him or her, one loses the purity in one's approach.”

So ignorance = purity...

Okay tankyou
(7/7/2018 6:18:46 AM)
respect your opinion but dont agree
This works for you and therefore you can tell any prospective clients to send you a brief one so that you can help them better. They can have 2, the short one they send you and the longer one they send other shadchanim.
First of all, I heard from a very, very experienced shadchan that the more detailed the resume, the easier and quicker for him to find THE one.
Second, as a parent, it is so awkward and embarrassing when a shadchanit is trying hard for you and you keep saying no to every suggestion. It is much easier if you can say 'please only call me when you have EXACTLY what I wrote.' I am talking about the very young; obviously with each passing year one has to drop more and more off of their shopping list but not ruchnius things.
(7/7/2018 5:07:01 PM)
to no.8
Oh that's so well said; you hit the nail on the head.
(7/7/2018 5:13:31 PM)
Resumes are trouble
I agree with number 6. Resumes can turn an otherwise interested person away. They are dangerous and definitely contribute to the shidduch crises. My son refused to write a resume and was able to Boruch Hashem get married easily. He even refused to read the young lady ‘s resume. Meet the person face to face!
(7/7/2018 8:46:49 PM)
Binyan Adei Ad
It's not about getting married. It's about being married to the right person. The wedding day is an artifical finish line, and focusing on that is misguided. I agree with #8. Encouraging our children to "just marry anybody" is the wrong approach, and ends up scaring our young people, when they see their siblings and friends with the wrong person, unhappily 'sticking it out.' Obviously relationships take work, and obviously everyone needs to grow, but that needs to be with someone you feel safe and happy with. Look at the Rebbe's writings. It's all there.
(7/7/2018 10:13:53 PM)
To 28
#23 is not saying that you should sit around and do nothing.
Of course you have to go out and look for the person you’re gonna marry. But that’s pretty much it. No tricks and new ideas will actually get the person married. The person needs to go out with whoever he/she feels comfortable going out with. And then if hashem decides that the two soulmates should meet, that’s when they will get married. Not through new innovations.
(7/8/2018 12:20:37 AM)
Even if resumes are here to stay, ditch the pictures!
THAT is what is truly Goyish--judging a potential match by his or her looks! Find out what you need to know about the person's abilities and Mentschlichkeit, and once you see that they have the strong potential to be a good spouse and parent, THEN go out with him/her (or have your child go out) and see if you/your child like/s their looks, along with Hamshochas HaLev and everything else.

I met my husband without seeing a picture (without a resume either, back then); my son met his wife without seeing a picture. He is very computer-savvy and would research online every name he got, but he would DISABLE Images.

When my daughter started Shidduchim I was told that I must provide a picture, and that if I don't people will search for pictures of her online, which might be less flattering. I actually cried when I heard this. How low we have fallen!

May HaKadosh Boruch Hu take us out of this deep, dark Galus NOW, before we Chas V'Sholom fall even lower...
(7/8/2018 1:05:28 AM)
To #32
Bh my really good chaveira got married recently to an incredible chossid, yiras shamayim, and a lamdan to which I am so thankful to the aibeshter for. :):):) And I attribute that basically to the fact that my RESUME was extremely brief:):):):)
(7/8/2018 1:37:43 AM)
if the author of this article would condense her thoughts into one paragraph instead of 15 i would have a lot more clarity of what she is trying to convey
(7/8/2018 2:33:19 AM)
When my daughter was looking for her shidduch, one evening she was withh her classmates at a wedding of a friend and they were discussing resumes. They realized that all of their resumes would have read the same. Chassidish, looking for shlichus, eidel, friendly, caring, sincere etc yet they were all very different people, with different personalities and mindsets. An interview with a shadchan makes a big difference.
(7/8/2018 2:43:16 AM)
Let's be honest.
Rabbi Goldberg, Thank you for making a great effort to clarify and give chizuk!

Here's MHO: Us parents that had the zchus to ask the Rebbe about every detail of our shiduch, etc. are completely lost. We never had the smallest doubt because we were guided by the Rebbe.

In our day, even if we had a doubt or question about the boy/girl we believed whole heartedly that the Rebbe's bracha was the single most important thing in our shiduch process.

Today, we find ourselves (our children) in a position where we lean on the shadchan and daven that the shadchan is guiding us properly.

I can only imagine the pressure that the shadchanim are feeling when a parent says I trust your opinion....

I don't have the solution... to the so called crisis, but I do hope that the shadchanim reading your article and my comment fully realize that they have a tremendous responsibility and should consider themselves “Shiduchim Shluchim” that are responsible to help our community.

After 22 Shevat 5748, the Rebbe spoke extensively about "Yiddidim Mayvinim". IMHO you the Shadchanim are our Yeddidim Mayvinim!

Please help us all deal with our Shiduchim and may Hashem bless you and your families with kol tuv!

Thank you!
A proud father of wonderful children
(7/8/2018 4:44:15 AM)
To 28
"If you can't stand the cold and your spouse can't take it when the room is hot, you two are going to have a lot of problems living together."
Ha. We have that, but I have to say, out of all issues, we manage this one just fine
(7/8/2018 9:03:50 AM)
If you say that you figure then out
WITh a long resume. Then why should ripple change? It’s boit you “figuring them out” so if the write it according to your directions then you’ll just be reading yourself - Shadchan crisis
(7/8/2018 12:31:54 PM)
video resume
We must catch up with the 21st Century and start submitting Video Resumes which would express the personality of the candidate, their voice, expression, charm and charisma. These are never given over on a paper resume no matter how short or long. WHY NOT SUBMIT A VIDEO CLIP TELLING ABOUT YOURSELF?????? (A usb stick or email link etc.) It would save the wanted dates on some one who sounds good on paper but is totally wrong in person. Been there so I know!!!!
(7/8/2018 6:35:11 PM)
To #'s 35 and 41. I am #8 (also #28)---
To #35 I said nothing about 'tricks' or 'innovations'.
I just said that for myself at least, I need to know I can live with whoever I will marry and that means regarding many important issues.
I have had far too much of judgmental attitudes, and cannot marry someone who has any, regarding any issues. So I need to make sure that on many important issues we will either agree or at least she will not feel strongly about something she does not agree with.
The only way to make sure of such things is to know the details of what we each believe and how strongly we each believe various things.

To # 41 I have no idea who you manage that, but I cannot function if I cannot get a good restful sleep, and so the temperature must be when feels comfortable for me, and sleeping in separate rooms does not make for much of a marriage, in my opinion.
Perhaps you have found a novel solution, but I do not know what that is or if it would work for me, even if I did know.
(7/8/2018 10:13:03 PM)
To # 12
Right on the mark. I'm not looking for a job, an employer, a boss or someone to pay me to work for them. That's what a resume is for. I'm looking for my zivug who has already been chosen for me by the Abishtar. The shaddchanim need to meet face to face with the people who are truly searching for their bashert.You can tell more about a person, in person and in dialogue than from an essay or composition. You can't be candid on paper. You can't see a person's reaction on a resume. You can't see the chain or (Chas V'shalom) the arrogance in a person's face on paper. I believe in the more logical and more revealing method. The "Old-fasioned" way.
BTW, to my knowledge the resume has not decreased the divorce rate.
(7/8/2018 10:41:07 PM)
The old fashioned way...
when you knew a young woman or a young man from childhood, in your village, and watched them grow up, you DID know all the nuances. They were smart, or kind, or outgoing, or whatever... the process was detailed and holistic because you didn't just see a piece of paper, you saw the entire picture, PLUS family dynamics. My theory is: longer resumes are more similar to the old fashioned way than the bland, two-line description; anyone agree?
(7/9/2018 8:16:54 PM)
nice but...
hamaase hu haikar; how about meeting the single and giving them a few prospective ideas?

Resumes are just that, a piece of paper
(7/11/2018 8:24:27 PM)
The problem
In shidduchim today is really the same problem that has permeated all of human history- self-centeredness. I see many people who simply lack the bittul to be in a relationship with another human being. It's all about me, me, me and it has to be my way. Many are very insecure and filled with fear of intimacy. In truth everyone deals with this on some level since we're all human, but it seems to me that young people nowadays are struggling much more with these very normal things. I see a great deal of immaturity and I don't think it's anyone's fault, it just seems to be part of the challenge of this generation, but it seems that many people just don't have the tools and coping skills to work through these things. Instead, they end up stuck and unfortunately many remain single.
(7/11/2018 9:21:47 PM)
Lesson of Dating #1
Only work with Shadchanim who make matches for the sake of a mitzvah. The ones in it for the money don't always try to find someone a match for the sake of the match.
(7/11/2018 9:23:20 PM)
Completely disagree with every word of this article. A more detailed resume will cause people to set you up with people that are shayech for you. Explain to me why we must rule out suggestions in person (ie through dating and realizing it's not right) vs. on paper. It is much easier in many ways to filter via papers than to filter in person.
I've heard from very experienced shadchanim the exact opposite is true- that when they get a cute two liner (as you write) about what someones looking for, that is the typical vague, nondetailed type ie "good middos, caring, kind, wants to go on shlichus..." it tells them absolutely nothing about what a persons looking for. And that basically leaves them to going out with every Bochur on the planet, because that's who they're being set up with.
Also another thought to ponder- the same Hashem who is able to set you up with a person that doesn't fit your narrow resume, is able to set you up with your "out of the box, not what you expected" bashert even with your narrow resume.
We have to differentiate- are we talking about the l'maala miderech hateva route on a teva level? According to the Teva route, it is MUCH more likely that you'll be set up with the right person if you actually explain in detail what kind of person is right for you, rather than writing something extremely vague and typical.
Also, another thought to ponder- what matters is not how many lines but if they're looking for too many qualities. I would say 5 or 6 qualities is a good amount. A person can write 15 qualities in 2 lines, or a person can write 5 qualities in 6 lines, explaining what they mean by "Hiskashrus" or "warm"... that is much more valuable than a two line resume that reads mature. sensitive, kind, caring, funny, outgoing, confident, good looking, wise, warm, puts family first, has hiskashrus, wants to go on shlichus, giving. You're right-- that's to narrow, but also in two lines.
So I'm wondering why you're glorifying "two- liners."
(1/31/2019 2:26:58 AM)
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