Rabbi Yitzi’s Marriage Tips: Part 3

By Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz

Words mean a lot when they are sincere.

Most men don’t talk much, and among guys that is the way we prefer it. We don’t care to talk about our feelings. We don’t care to be recognized for who we are, but rather, for our accomplishments.

For men, not saying anything means that everything is just grand.

For women, not saying anything leaves a void that they fill with questions. Being ultra-critical of themselves, they mentally beat themselves up, thinking every negative possibility. Needless to say, this makes them unhappy.

This does not mean you have to talk a lot, rather, that some things are important to say.

Here are some things you should share with your wife.

1) Tell how you feel about her.

Most men love their wives. But it isn’t in our nature to share our feelings. She is aching to know how you feel about her, and though you told her a week ago and nothing has changed, she is already thinking negative thoughts.

Among men, not seeing or talking for years, doesn’t change how we feel about each other. Among women, not talking for a while, is proof that the friendship has gone south.

Think about it before you tell her, don’t just say say meaningless words. Be creative, find new ways to tell her how you feel about her. Saying the same thing for fourty years is not the way to go about it.

2) Tell her how well she is doing.

She wants to know if she is a good wife and a good mother. Don’t focus on the negative, she already has enough negative thoughts about herself. Focus on the positive, remind her of things she does, for you and for the family. When you see her do something that shows that she is a good wife or mother, point it out, let her know that you appreciate her.

3) Notice and compliment.

For woman, who they are is extremely important. Therefore, their feelings, their dress, their talents, their abilities and their self expression is of tremendous importance, as it is an expression of who they are.

Therefore complementing what they do, their creativity, how they look or what they are wearing is validating who they are.

Even more than all this, is her inner beauty and her inner strengths, her brain and her heart. As you get to know her, and you see how incredible she is on the inside, make sure you complement her inner self. If you only notice her outside, your feelings for her will begin to seem shallow, and her respect for you will begin to wane.

When you notice these things, you are noticing her for who she is as her own person. You have to respect and honor her for who she is.

This is so important. You have to love her for who she is, and not for what she does for you. When you love her for who she is, she will feel good when she does things for you. When you love her for what she does for you, she will feel used.

Now, how to say it.

The main thing is to say it, but being creative will mean so much more.

Speaking and texting is good, but writing a note or a letter is special and endearing. So use all these means, speak and text often, write notes when you can and every once in a while, write her a letter.

A letter, whether written by hand, typed or emailed, will give her the opportunity to read and reread it, and it gives you the ability to think about what are saying and to be accurate. Because you took the time to write it, it will mean so much to her. You should even consider making letter writing a part of your routine, once a week, once a month, before a holiday, etc. If you do, she will be waiting for your letter with joyful anticipation.

(Now that I am unable to speak, I started writing my wife letters every Friday. I now see the value of writing letters, it is so much more than talking.)

Of course there are many other things that you should share with your wife, these are just some of the important things. Remember, the main thing is not the way you choose to say it, but that you say it.

I hope this strengthens your relationship.