A 2014 study by the University of Texas at Arlington showed students who attend schools with anti-bullying programs are “more likely to be bullied than students who attend schools without such programs”!
Yedida Wolfe
FACT: BULLYING IS A BIG PROBLEM IN SCHOOLS AND IN LIFE.
FACT: GOVERNMENT-MANDATED ANTI-BULLYING POLICIES DO NOT WORK.
In the upcoming (Pesach) N’shei Chabad Newsletter, Izzy Kalman shares his experience and insights on typical anti-bullying programs based on his work as a nationally certified school psychologist.
Kalman notes that yeshivos have embraced anti-bullying psychology which has become a popular social movement, and yet, “the harder schools try to make bullying stop, the worse it is likely to become.”
Kalman points out that the academic bullying experts offer the same ineffective interventions parents try at home like :
* telling kids to be nice to each other
* saying that bullying causes everlasting harm
* encouraging kids to report to the authorities when another child is mean
* investigating every complaint
and
* administering consequences such as suspending privileges or expelling the bully.
Just as these steps fail to stop sibling rivalry at home, they don’t thwart bullying at school either, where the teacher is even more outnumbered. In fact, teaching kids to be nice to each other and that being mean causes permanent harm actually establishes an unhealthy cycle that perpetuates negative behavior. Involving an adult also can backfire, as once the victim “snitches,” the bully has a genuine reason to dislike his target.
But does Kalman’s approach work any better?
Kalman says his methods are not new. “Torah has been teaching us all along to listen to what others are saying, and not dissolve into anger even when we are insulted,” he explains.
Instead of reacting with anger to an insult, Kalman advises kids (and adults) to react “like a friend, because we want to be treated like a friend.” This is the secret of Kalman’s method; he helps kids to overcome our biological programming of reciprocity. Trying Kalman’s responses in reaction to a mean comment is difficult at first but it almost always deflates the bully approach, ending the cycle of hurt.
All this sounded so nice in theory. But I’m not sure I’d have believed this low-key-sounding method could be effective. That is, until I attended a Kalman-based workshop at a recent Shabbaton I went to.
I witnessed two volunteers role-playing Kalman’s technique: one participant insulted the other, demanding a refund and complaining about the unsatisfactory service he had gotten. In one scenario the recipient of the insults reacted with anger. This egged on the aggressor, and the conflict escalated. In the next scenario, the victim didn’t fight back, but rather verbally mirrored the accusations, deflating the energy from the argument, and calming down the angry encounter.
Next, I volunteered to participate. I could picture the scene of my own children battling over nothing, each one continuing the campaign of anger. Maybe this could help, I thought, as I took my place at the front of the room.
I cringed as my fellow volunteer told me that she had talked it over with the group, and everyone felt I just didn’t fit in, so I was no longer welcome to be part of the group. I mean, I’m a married mother heading into middle age, why should I care? But I felt the sting. At first, the script told me to argue back. So I did. As my bully and I kept defending our position, I felt the tension in my shoulders, even though we were only pretending. And then we tried Kalman’s idea of listening and reflecting back the painful comments.
She immediately lost her fire. Her voice gradually lowered and soon became sympathetic rather than moving toward hysteria as it had earlier.
Soon she quieted down, and became thoughtful. Then she said, “It’s not me, you know, it’s the others, they asked me to tell you.” Soon the argument ended with her offer of peace, and my continued membership in the group.
I had agreed to leave the group. Yet I felt empowered. I felt strong, because my reactions had come from a place of strength.
To see an example acted out by Izzy Kalman, go to www.nsheichabadnewsletter.com and click on “Victim Proof School for Kids.”
Kalman says, “Bullying goes on throughout life, and the sooner people learn to respond effectively, the better the rest of their lives will be.” As much as I wish to be able to protect my kids from harm’s way, Kalman points out, “You can’t follow them around their whole lives punishing anyone who insults them, can you?”
To learn more about Kalman’s empowering approach, subscribe to the N’shei Chabad Newsletter now in time to receive the Pesach issue in the mail, the one with the three birds on a branch on the cover, by visiting www.nsheichabadnewsletter.com.
Izzy Kalman will be in the U.S. in October of 2015.
My grandfather taught me to try something before deciding its no good….that’s how i learned that i love broccoli..i have used and taught Izzy Kalman’s methods to patients, family, friends, and “enemies” with great success…steven sussman,PhD Child & Teen Success CenterS
you THINK that it makes the most sense to focus on the bully
but that is what the govt-mandated programs have been doing for years already – no improvement in fact the bullying spiraled
why don’t you TRY izzy kalman’s method of helping the victim to learn new responses? just try it. it has worked for many and may work for your child too. even if it is counter-intuitive for you. Trust.
Teaching a child good communication skills is not putting the onus on him. It is giving him communication skills that he can use his whole life. Teaching someone how to cope is not putting an onus on him. It is teaching him high-level coping skills.
speaking of therapy….the bully needs therapy, not just the victim. As #15 said, they don’t change….unless they get help. And as Simi Yarmush said in her incredible speech re the JCW, we cannot afford to allow any other victims, it is shvichas domim.
Someone needs to be assigned to look out for this going on…..like a mashgiach of sorts. This should never ever continue. It could even be a sign of a personality disorder, and that is very painful and destructive to others. Its a person who spends a lifetime of trying to control others and make them miserable.
The bullies don’t change, they become worse with age.
Chana Simcha
Numer 10, you are the first to say this.
It is exactly this kind of stuff that almost killed my kid. Sorry, this REALLY makes me frustrated. Now MY kid is battling PTSD for the rest of their life and the bully is what? They are battling something deep and serious. Bully comes from a cry for help when nobody will listen. People need to STOP focusing on the bullied and focus on the bully- what is causing them to act in such an unnatural way?! What is so wrong. THEY need treatment- not throw them out of school and threaten them. Many times this only makes the situation… Read more »
my heart goes out to you
nothing hurts more than watching our child suffer
It has nothing to do with student:teacher ratios. It has to do with how a person responds when spoken to. The social worker teaches communication skills that are easy to learn. It is not hard to learn. It is easy to learn and fun to learn, also. It doesn’t take much time to learn because once you catch on, it becomes natural. It changes your outlook on life. The fee is reasonable. See the website bullies2buddies.com. That is how the social worker can be contacted. He works over the phone. I know someone who worked with him and learned the… Read more »
sad i feel bad for him
A whole group turned on my son. Why? Because even as short as 8 years ago, my son, who is twice exceptional was treated like an idiot, like somthing to be laughed at and taunted, called retired and cyber bullied. The oarents of the children all turned away from us, and no one stood up or spoke out. My son is now 18 kana hora and a lovely kind soul who just passed some major exams and is happy inside himself. However, those that did this, including parents and teachers who blamed him, will live with this until they ask… Read more »
Can’t wait to read this. The N’shei consistently provides useful, different articles, addressing real and current issues. Well done!
awesome stuff!
Really looking forward to reading this one!
I’ve suspected that these anti-bullying programs don’t work- just like the anti-racism programs don’t work either (they actually make the problem worse) – and now Izzy confirmed it.
Once again the N’shei is bringing us important, RELEVANT articles; thank you!!
Bullying is destructive. My hunch is that it’s consequent of too high a student/staff ratio. Kids can be terrible. The higher the student to teacher ratio, the more ‘free’ the children are, the more bullying you get. When the environment is conducted by adults, which it should be, the less ‘free’ the children are, or the more adult-like they are moved to behave, the less bullying you get. Add to this, that the larger the student populatio, the less intimate any given child is likely to be with any other given child and intimacy breeds empathy, which mitigates against the… Read more »
I can’t wait for the Pesach issue- I need help NOW!! My son is suffering terribly. How do I get in touch with Izzy?
Izzy Kalman is coming to the U.S. in October
he will be speaking in schools
will OUR schools take him?
they should, but will they…
maybe if parents ask them to
Yedida, thanks so much for writing this wonderful piece about my work, and for including the many nice photos! I just want to make one comment so that readers don’t get the wrong impression. There is nothing wrong with “teaching kids to be nice to each other.” And the best way to teach it is for us to be nice. Kids learn most from what we do, not from what we say. The real problem is “forcing” them to be nice to each other, which usually involves investigating what happened, making judgments of who is wrong, and punishing the one… Read more »
i spoke with izzy kalman a few weeks ago bec of a problem with my kid but then i decided to use it in my own life when a woman i work with started to scream at me, because she didn’t agree with a decision i made on my own (she felt i should have consulted with her first and maybe she was right), i was at first tempted to scream back (as usua) but then i decided “let me try izzy kalman method here” i was shocked at how quickly and remarkably she was transformed from a bully into… Read more »