By Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz
After giving this advice to a choson (a groom), I showed it to a few of my wife’s friends. Their response was unanimous. “Would you share this with my husband?”
So in honor of Tu b’Av I am sharing it in the hope that it will help. Here are a few small and easy things that will make your life better:
1) When she does or says something hurtful –which will happen– just forget what she said or did. Women get emotional and irrational. On the other hand, she will never forget anything you do “wrong.”
2) Before you criticize her, ask yourself how much it really matters in the long run. Perhaps you better off letting things slide…
3) Be ready and happy to go to counseling – even, and especially in the first year. You will be grateful if you do. Better deal with a small issue now and learn to get along, than a huge unfixable problem later. Simply put: What makes sense to you, sounds silly to her and vice versa. Because women think in a totally different way. Counseling will help.
4) Find ways to make her laugh every day. Women think too much and they need a rest from their brain chatter. Laughter gives them rest from it. She will appreciate it. It doesn’t matter, even small funny things.
5) Never raise your voice. It affects women with an instinct to be afraid, flee and protect. You will have a hard time getting back to normalcy.
You might not realize that among men we raise our voice a lot. It’s hard to change gears. We yell to make a point. Women only yell if they are angry. When your voice goes up, they register “he is angry at me.”
6) Compliment her every day. Find things to compliment. It could be something she did. Something she is wearing. Let her know that you notice and value her.
7) Buy her flowers. Flowers say a lot. It says I like you. It says I am thinking of you. It says I appreciate you. It says you are beautiful to me. It says you are a princess that deserves pretty things.
It says “although I’m a guy and flowers that will die in a week are the biggest waste of money and makes absolutely no sense, you are still more than worth it to me.”
If you are low on cash buy one flower or, even better, pick some wild flowers.
8) Ignore statements such as “you don’t have to buy me a gift for my birthday.” Buy her a gift.
9) Treat her with respect. Do chivalrous things. Open the door for her. Help her on with her coat. Help her into her seat. Bring her tea in a pretty cup and sit with her and listen. Let her feel taken care of. Make her feel like a princess. Every woman wants to feel like a princess. Of course you won’t be able to do it all the time, but do it often enough that she knows.
10) When she gets dressed nicely, take a moment and notice and tell her how pretty she looks. She spent a lot of time and energy getting dressed. Let her know that you appreciate her. Learn these words…
Pretty
Elegant
Classy
Amazing
Gorgeous
Exquisite
Stunning
Breathtaking.
Try to use the right term.
This is by no means finished. I hope to continue with more. Hope it brings a positive change to your marriage.
Happy Tu b’Av.
just forwarded to my hubby 🙂
wow that is so perfect, thank you! so practical and meaningful and helpful
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions.
With this month of great happenings we want to see you strong and healthy again.
I love your writing please continue.
I read it to my husband and we decided to do things better than ever before, in respecting and caring for one another.
Thank you again
Of course there are exceptions and you clearly have made a decision to change the past…this is the ultimate in lifes purpose, which is to change how you behave against your nature and break your teva.
I take my borsalino off to you, and your husband is a very lucky guy. We can either continue the bad trend, take a good upbringing and be a nasty person or, like you, determine to change the past.
Thats why baalei Tshuvah are even higher than Tzaddikim. I salute you !
If and when you mess up and speak harshly or meanly to her, don’t pretend nothing happened or that there’s something wrong with her for being upset.
INSTEAD: Put on your “big boy” pants and go to her and ask her to forgive you for what you did — ASAP (don’t delay)!
women also need respect. or at least i do. for neither gender does it mean unnecessary honor. it means basic human civility and respect for the other’s opinions and desires. it means you dont demean the other person or undermine them in front of others.
correction: PEOPLE get emotional and irrational
The way ur future mother in law treats her husband is not at all necessarily how ur wife will treat u. my friend has a cousin who comes from a loving good home, her parents had a wonderful marriage to emulate, but she herself is pretty obnoxious and uncaring and her marriage is VERY different than her parents. on the other hand, my parents did not have the greatest marriage but i firmly decided i would be a very differnt peson and today i am proud to say that my husband and children are very happy with me bc i… Read more »
itzy we all love you very much and wish you a swift recovery
On the spot perfect and witty advice!
rabbi yizi we wish you a compleet refuo shlaimo now we wil contineu to daven for you we love you
You are a very smart woman and your husband is a very lucky guy… #1 IMHO is making sure to respect him. I dont mean, to bow down to him, but to be sure not to demean and insult, especially in front of the kids. Its too late for me the damage is already done. But any guy looking for a shidduch pay close attention: The way your (future) mother in law treats her husband is the way your (future) wife will treat you. Dont want to get distracted but thank you so much Rabbi Yitzy, I dont know you… Read more »
😉
Your post is very important, thank you for sharing. Happily married couples do fight, their marriages don’t always look rosy to an onlooker; but there is something that holds the couple together – that something is seeing the other with a good eye, accepting the other the way they are at the end of the day.
I’m so sorry to read that it’s not better, it sounded like you had said you had learned to accept the faults. I believe that there is a better life for everyone. Everyone deserves to be in a truly loving and passionate marriage. Also there is no reason to be anti-medication. If it would help, wouldn’t that be a good thing…? Wishing you hatzlacha that you and your husband will get there.
Please post the hole story of # 7, i don’t remember the complete story. Thanks
Not fair!
Mootah (Hee, Hee)
Why do u assume I’m doing better? It’s actually so Much worse . As time goes on the amount of flowers I should have received by now…!!! I would love to go to a marrage councellor but I can’t find one that is either married themselves or nearer to my age then my kids ages. Plus I really do want to stay married to my husband and I don’t want to be told that they recommend we both take medication ! Not do we fancy spending the next 10 years talking about every little thing that’s ever gone wrong in… Read more »
this is great! thanks for sharing!
refuah shelaima!
continue inspiring ad meah vishmonim!
glad youre venting but a better idea is to vent to a mashpia/friend/counselor NOT col
I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better but just throwing my story out there that my husband had a lot of the issues you write about and it turns out he had been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from childhood abuse and never received any counseling for it…just throwing it out there as a possibility…I think it is sadly more common with boys in yeshivas than we realize…
Thank you Rabbi Yitzy for these great advices!
May Hashem send you a very fast recovery!
Moshiach now!!
Rabbi Yitzi you should have a REFUAH SHLEIMO. You sound like every womans dream of a husband. Im sure sending your advice on to mine.
Compliment me Buy me gifts Always critical Always yells Won’t go to a councellor Makes me cry Falls asleep when I need to talk Always on his phone…. But at 18 yrs of marrage I know the reason behind all these awful traits and I laugh when he yells, I buy my own flowers and gifts , when he makes me cry we both know they are fake, TG he doesn’t listen to all my worries all day long coz I would never shut up,I’m also always on my phone, me on fb him earning a parnosa for our family….… Read more »
Yitzi Yitzi you are the best better then the rest
🙂
Tzippy &elie
Im gonna print and keep this. thanks so much. Refua Shleima bekorov mamash
Hashem will not foresake you. Keep going strong and keep sharing and inspiring. Yitzi, you mean more to so many people than any words can express, and that increases with each thing that you share and are mezakeh thousands. Thanks to your wife too for taking such good care of you and inspiring many, and allowing you to inspire many. Hashem will answer OUR prayers. The Rebbe will save his children.
she’s incredible!!!!
cant wait hear mrs hurwitz’s advice
For you beautifull advice . May Hashem help you with a
REFUAH SHLEIMA UKROIVA and you should continue
your great work in good health and happiness.
Thank you YH
That was so cute
# 36 very nice
Excellent points both
Rabbi, you made me laugh and cry at the same time. What a great man you are, this can save marriages, people need down to earth help, big fancy words wash over most,
Thanks and strength to you for fast recovery.
Chana s
This article hit the spot!
This is great.
It really made me laugh because it is so so true yet totally unsaid and unknown.
It should be printed in huge at the back of every yichud room door!
Itzy
in honor of helping young , middle age , and elder couples with Sholom Bayis
Promise : Hashem will send you a Reuo Shelemo and a Refuo Kerevo in the very very near future ,
for all the readers ; please print Rabbi Itzys 10 married tips
read it weekly , not yearly ,
BTW: Itzy rote it to MAN , the same things goes for women to treat their husbands , man need the same attention ,
i am a woman.
i’m not a fan of flowers. i’d rather a book… i also yell a lot when i’m excited, angry, unable to hear the other person, or making a point. please don’t stereotype both genders.
Laughing in tears, this morning my husband must have read this article.
He complimented my pajamas it was the cutest thing. He said how elegant they look (a word he barely uses) and then asked me what exquisite means because that’s how I look. It was so sweet! Thank you rabbi yitzi! Refuah shlaima krova!
As a newly wed in the beginning stages of marriage, when my husband and I realized we needed serious marriage help, we were horrified by the thought that we had problems. Everyone expects to get married and that everything runs perfectly. It is so comforting to hear that going for help is something that is acceptable. I thank you!!!
I have always had this thought – You need to go to a driving instructor to learn driving, you need to go to a culinary school to learn how to cook, you need instruction to operate machinery- and then, the most important and COMPLICATED thing on earth, which is marriage, everyone just assumes they already know how to do it. Add to it the fact that the ‘know-how”s are twenty- something, and you face a disaster! Would you give them a car to drive without teaching them first??? There are some Chassidus movements that make it mandatory to have a… Read more »
People,
Don’t get carried away with adding your two cents.
Is this article not transparent?
It clearly represents the epitome of what Rabbi Yitzy is and continues to be – always GIVING.
Beautiful. I hope this is the start of a very much needed book.
Refuah Sh’laima.
marriage is not a competition. you both need to make positive investments into the marriage bank account.
1) smile when he walks in the door. Greet him warmly before getting straight into “it’s been really hectic at home, kids are fighting…” 2) RESPECT him. men crave respect. show your husband you admire him, will make him feel like he’s worth a million bucks. 3) when he crawls into his little hole (which all men do), give him his space. if he needs to close down a bit, don’t pursue him. he’ll just withdraw more. He’ll come out of his shell when he’s ready, if he sees you are giving him his space. 4) compliment him for all… Read more »
beautiful and inspiring!
We women do 10 & more every day – you guys just don’t notice!!! A thank you now and again would be very nice.
I wish my husband would take these tips on board, but we have been married so long B”H he won’t change now. Oh well, he is good in so many other ways!
it is called staying home with the children all day try it for a week see how easy it is
You are definitely …. A guy!
Wow amazing
Ok number 29 what do u have 2 say let’s hear can’t wait
anyone?!!!!!
RABBI YITZI AWESOME ARTICLE….. REFUA SHLIEMA TODAY..
RABBI HURWITZ YOUR AMAZING AND YOU GIVE US SO MUCH INSPIRATION. WISHING YOU A REFUA SHLIEMA BIKROVA….
Pure practical. Hope to use it one day…
Amazing, even when you are suffering so much, you still show such concern for others. May HaShem bless you and yours with Kol Tuv!
Thanks for sharing these amazing tips
Refua sheleima bemiheira
May you soon be able to do each and every one of the things on this list for your wife !!!!!
wow! you got it right
May you your Simcha poretz all gedorim
this will definitely give me things to think about . thanks 🙂
Go Yitzi, and have a complete and speedy recovery. Amen!
How do you know all these stuff? Wow!
Rabbi Yitzy !!!!! this is the VERY first time i am reading something about marriage that makes sense!!!!!!!!!! there are no lofty words , it is sooooo down to earth!!!!
U R THE BEST !!!
MAY HASHEM GIVE U A REFUA SHELEIMA BEKOROV MAMSH AND MAY WE DANSE ALL TOGETHER AT THE 3RD BAIS HAMIKDASH TODAY
Refua shelaima!
May we hear BSuros Tovos!!!
Really enjoyed reading this! Very good advise!
Can I add one?? Help her whenever you can around the house. This helps her not feel like she’s the “cleaner” and responsible for the cleaning. It should be an attitude of our home, our responsibility.
Can’t believe this is coming from a guy!! It’s a must read and thanks for sharing!!!
Thank you for posting.
May you have a refua shleima krova!!!
Keep strong.
We all love you.
Your perseverance to communicate your wisdom and joy of life to us is very influential. Truly neir lihoir. Blessings.
Shalom Olensky, FL
Thank you Rabbi Hurwitz for sharing these practical tips for husbands. Brought tears to my eyes. Wishing you a refuah shleimah!!
Greatest. Guy. Ever. With. Greatest. Advice. Ever!!!!
you will be bringing a lot of sholom with these clever practical tips. refua shleima NOW
Yitzy is smiling as bright as always. I thought I would go in for a few minutes, but An hour flew by real quick. treat yourself out, make a visit.
Go Yitzy
Beautiful and very practical
Refuah Shelima B’krava
You are so special!!!
I am confident that your humility and positivity brings lots of blessing to your family.
This is so funny, and spot on!
and i thought i was the only one that felt that way!
we miss your guitar playing. and allways smiling.