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Tuesday, 25 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 5, 2024

Should Weddings Stay Downsized After Pandemic Ends?

Op-Ed by Dan Eleff: The wedding of his brother Akiva, a simple but beautiful affair with just immediate family due to COVID 19, got him thinking - should this continue even after the pandemic ends? Full Story

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Agree
June 7, 2020 10:25 pm

I agree 100 percent! This should become the norm

Yes!!!!
June 7, 2020 10:34 pm

This is amazing!! So important!!

Rabbi Yeheskel Lebovic
June 7, 2020 10:35 pm

Part of an article I wrote for Yiddishe Heimaround 27 years ago. THE REAL CULPRIT: WEDDINGS — AND A SUGGESTED SOLUTION There is one area where practices are much more ingrained than in Bar mitzvahs. This is the area of Jewish weddings: “we wouldn’t think of shortchanging our children,; we don’t want them to think that they are any less entitled to what the world considers a “mentchlich” wedding. Isn’t this the one thing that we all live for: to see the day of our children’s weddings?” But is it really necessary to spend astronomic sums on a wedding? I… Read more »

Waste of everything
June 7, 2020 10:38 pm

There should be an anonymous poll taken if kids really want to have a large wedding of 500 people of whom they might know 50 people. Also do parents really want to be going to a wedding they night of people they hardly know?

I totally Agree
June 7, 2020 10:48 pm

I also made a wedding very recently, and the feedback was similar, a very joyous, intimate event. We discussed the same question, will people do this after Covid? The main reason not to is “because no one wants to be different.” My input: if there will be enough people making weddings small and intimate it will become the new norm, thereby saving many thousands of dollars, and a lot of heartache and stress, allowing the families of chosson and kalah to focus more on the simcha itself and using any extra funds for the new couple, Therby doing the Rebbes… Read more »

Waiting All Her Life
June 7, 2020 10:51 pm

And what about Kallahs who have been waiting all their lives to get married and have seen many friends have huge joyous weddings and suddenly the new acceptable standard is stripped down versions? Why shouldn’t she be able to have her dream wedding that she’s been waiting for forever? Why punish her?

The answer
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 7, 2020 11:18 pm

Because it costs $50,000

Or more!!
Reply to  The answer
June 8, 2020 8:12 am

$50,000 for a cheap wedding!

punish?
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 7, 2020 11:21 pm

ask any kalah who got married in this setting, see what they say!!

kalla waiting all her life for her glam wedding
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 8, 2020 5:01 am

this sounds like something from a story book.
maybe some girls do think like this,
but there are many girls who don’t think at all of the specifics of their wedding “party” until they get engaged.
either way, weddings are enormous expenses, and you can have a really beautiful lebedike wedding with lots of people invited for dancing and dessert, that will be much more feasibly priced and not land one into debt.

It’s not about the actual party
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 8, 2020 5:04 am

If the girl is has been waiting all her life for the wedding party, she has it all wrong! Looking at her friends “huge joyous weddings” is not what marriage is about. It’s not about 1 night. It’s about all the nights after. It’s about the the chosson and Kalla becoming one. Starting a new life together. The wedding is a celebration for that. But the main focus of the night coming from the chosson and kalla should be each other. NOT on the party. 30 days after the wedding they don’t say – well at least I had a… Read more »

This is the problem right here
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 8, 2020 1:27 pm

I had a big wedding and hated it! I disliked dancing with all of my parents’ and grandparents’ social circle for hours on end. Let’s let the misconceptions go and get rid of the one size fits all status quo. For the select few who think they are Barbie and actually like the attention – maybe they can talk with their Rav re: whether the expense justifies their unusual situation.

Me too!
Reply to  This is the problem right here
June 8, 2020 5:38 pm

I had a huge wedding 600 people. I’m an introvert and I really did not want a big wedding but had no choice. I look back at my wedding and l’chaim and only remember how uncomfortable I was. Even looking back at all the pictures, it was just a bunch of nameless faces that I will never see again. I did not get to spend time with those most important to me. I had more fun at my sheva brachas that my friend made for me that was small and intimate backyard brunch.

Been “waiting all my life”
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 8, 2020 5:31 pm

And still am. And the longer I wait and the older I get the less I’m interested in the party. I’m close to forty, neither me nor my friends are in princess fairy-tale bride mode any more, and we aren’t in young party and dancing mode either. That’s not what I’m waiting for.
The fact that people think I’m stuck at that stage is part of the problem. I’ve grown up and moved on too. You’re not a little girl as long as you’re single, even if many/most of our communities married young so never experienced being mature single adults.

Agreed!
Reply to  Been “waiting all my life”
June 13, 2020 6:54 pm

Everything you write is so true!

Henya Kazatchkov
Reply to  Waiting All Her Life
June 9, 2020 5:31 am

I don’t think it would be a punishment. I think any kallah would enjoy a gift of a substantial sum of money that her parents can give her because it wasn’t wasted on a huge party that no one could really enjoy. And just the opposite, no daughter should enjoy seeing her parents sink into debt that will take them years to climb out of. Debt that will shortchange her younger siblings of things really needed. No kallah could enjoy strife and anger between her parents and her hosson’s parents as money wrestling happens. Wedding takes just a few hours… Read more »

Great
June 7, 2020 10:56 pm

Would be the best thing coming out of this pandemic time. Saving money and giving more for chosen kallah

Agree 100%
Reply to  Great
June 8, 2020 1:09 pm

Money
June 7, 2020 11:20 pm

Take the little Money your have and give it to the children so they can start a home
Keep up the small weddings no point to impress others and suffer to pay back loans
Thanks covid19 for bringing out the good in things we didn’t see before with our eyes

Let everyone do what they want.
June 7, 2020 11:36 pm

If someone want to make a small wedding let them make a small wedding with less people. If someone wants to make a bigger wedding let them make a big wedding. One doesn’t have to do what the other one did and this does not have to become the new norm. And yes some people want to continue the small weddings and a lot of people also want to make a big wedding too..,

from the desk of devorah benjamin
June 8, 2020 12:23 am

here my view so far the weddings have really been amazing.The good thing the people that have the money and people who dont have much are mainly doing it in same place by tzaddkim of crown heights The Rubashkin home.But for the people who dont have as much it has saved them around 5to 8k up to what they do .

Looking forward to lots of simchos
June 8, 2020 12:45 am

After a tragedy, we wish each other to be able to celebrate simchos together. After all the suffering during this pandemic, many people are looking forward to celebrating simchos together with friends, neighbours and extended relatives.
Why take this joy away?
I’m sure the smaller weddings were beautiful but once they are no longer necessary, let everyone celebrate in whatever way they find appropriate.
May we all be able to celebrate many simchos together!

Peer pressure
Reply to  Looking forward to lots of simchos
June 8, 2020 10:30 am

No parent wants to treat their child differently from the “norm”. In addition, there are halachos about ostentation. Google ostentation in Jewish Law Hershey Friedman.

Sheva Brochos
Reply to  Looking forward to lots of simchos
June 8, 2020 1:31 pm

We have 7 nights of post wedding celebrations! Usually the same crowd has to attend (sigh, drag) on repeat. Why not have different acquaintances each make one of the sheva brochos and participate in the simcha in this way? I.e. friends of the mother, extended family. Imagine the simcha if this was their first time celebrating with the couple, i.e. they didn’t already have to spend all night at the wedding plus shabbos kallah beforehand and maybe another 2 sheva brochos prior to this one!?? Let’s use our brains a bit and in this way add joy to the monotonous… Read more »

two things that should change after Corona
June 8, 2020 12:48 am

There are two things that should change after corona, 1. these weddings are out of control, but the rich people need to lead on this. It is very hard when when our children have friends that will have big weddings to get them to agree to a smaller one. 2. schools should not give three months off. If we can ever reset it will be now, a year ago many people told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE to stop camps, IMPOSSIBLE!!! Is it really? I am not advocating for no summer, but having three weeks off a few times a… Read more »

In the past
Reply to  two things that should change after Corona
June 8, 2020 8:45 am

The reason lichayims are still small is because when R’ zalman gurarys son got engaged he made a very small event and everyone said if he could do it so can we.
So yes those with more means should set an example

Today’s lechaims...
Reply to  In the past
June 8, 2020 9:11 am

Have you looked into the what the Rebbe said about lechaims? Our lechaims today are way over the top. This is not what the Rebbe wanted. AT ALL.

camp is needed!
Reply to  two things that should change after Corona
June 8, 2020 6:29 pm

re:#2
camp is needed and kids need three months off, they need a break to relax and be with friends. so many kids who don’t flourish in school do shine in camp!camp is a must for our children!

What are you talking about??!
Reply to  two things that should change after Corona
June 10, 2020 8:46 am

Live and let live. People want to have big weddings, let them! It’s one of the most fun times of their life, they’re entitled to have it. And about summer, of course school should give three months off! We’re all sick and tired of Zoom, let the kids relax a a bit this summer! Seriously! Camp was my LIFE, I’m not letting anybody make camp two weeks long. You’ve obviously never been to a real good camp. Even two months isn’t a lot of time for camp! I cannot believe that you think that camp should be two weeks! That’s… Read more »

Mazal tov!
June 8, 2020 1:50 am

A wedding is a simcha, and it should be nice enough that it is enjoyed and celebrated, and not so nice that it’s no longer enjoyed because of the expense. I think the size and costs are often driven up because the parents see it as their party, their chance to show off or rather have nachas with their friends and relatives. Find a way for people to join in the simcha without the entire cost, refocus on the joy of the chosson and kallah, and I believe it will be scaled down a lot. I think most people really… Read more »

Mazal tov
June 8, 2020 2:00 am

The best thing anyone can do in order to include everyone and to make it a lebadik wedding Have a small wedding meal say immediate family maybe 100 people Do it early enough then invite everyone to dancing second cousins friends etc serve cakes and kugels and you will see u will save money We did that for our three sons barmitzva small seuda at home for family then big kiddish for everyone saved a fourtune And included everyone We were the first of the community to do this yes it was difficult but each son wanted a specific thing,… Read more »

Great Initiative
June 8, 2020 2:56 am

My first wedding cost $50K plus and ended in divorce 6 years later. My second marriage was a much simpler affair – all told less than $5k. 10 years strong and we’re very happily married. A fancy wedding does not translate into a happy marriage and a simple wedding doesn’t lead to a sub par marriage.

I don’t remember
June 8, 2020 3:24 am

To those that think their fancy weddings impress me…

It doesn’t impress me, it doesn’t make me want to be your friend, or respect you more, or even prove a point.

And I can’t remember anything about your extravagant wedding either….

In fact, I feel bad for you about the opportunity cost.
And ask your kids about their financial planning.

Please G-d we should have many more weddings soon.

Each to their own
June 8, 2020 4:30 am

Doesn’t work when some especially ‘the haves’ make big and the ‘have nots’ make small. It needs to start with ‘the haves’.

And most girls that are mature enough to get married should be mature enough to realise that a dream wedding doesn’t have to be a lavish affair.

The point of these articles is that people are saying ‘these weddings are better’ not just ‘good enough’, and now that we have seen that, we should keep it this way.

The 'haves' can do what they want with their money
Reply to  Each to their own
June 8, 2020 4:24 pm

The ‘have nots’ should stay within their means and find ways to make it meaningful. There is no shame in not going into debt, I’d venture to say that going into debt is shameful.

Agree!
June 8, 2020 7:14 am

The wedding industry has become a financial disaster for many parents.

Let us listen to the Rebbe.

Yes yes yes!,,,
June 8, 2020 8:19 am

I am all for a small and intimate wedding,
Give the young couple the money you saved on a the wedding, if you can afford it.
For those who go into debt, the small wedding is a huge BROCHA.
My father had many daughters and he told me that from each wedding on to the next wedding he was paying off Gmachs.
If I knew that, I would have had a wedding with a minyon in our home.

Solution
June 8, 2020 9:14 am

Everyone should make the wedding that they want
If you want to spend more than , let say 20 k ,
You should give tzedaka to wedding fund the same amount above the 20 k
Ex. If you spend 50 k , you should give another 30 k for a wedding fund
If you want spend 100 k , you give 80 k to a wedding fund
This easy Everyone is encourage to make. A bigger wedding and everyone happy ( including vendors)

Simple wedding
June 8, 2020 9:28 am

Marriage is not about the party. Getting married with only family (we both have small families)and close friends for the seuda and by everyone else joining for dancing and dessert, I could not be happier with our choice. We made our own without family, and did not go into debt. Neither of us even wanted a bigger wedding, we both feel that having everyone for the whole thing would take away from it. I do not understand making a fancier wedding and going into debt or taking from Tzedaka just to have a fancier bigger wedding. It is not right… Read more »

Chani
June 8, 2020 9:30 am

It’s not necessarily about how fancy the wedding is. It’s more trying to choose who to invite and who not to invite. What if you have a very large family or tons of friends? What about Shluchim in a big city? How can they choose who should be invited and who to leave out? Having a big crowd automatically costs a lot of money

Solution
Reply to  Chani
June 8, 2020 10:36 am

Immediate family only to the seudah, everyone else to dessert and dancing.

Berel
June 8, 2020 9:46 am

Yes of course. Bar Mitzvas, too.

It will happen.

You just need a few brave souls to continue this way.

Not everyone has to change, just enough that it becomes a viable option socially. Slowly but surely, it will gain traction and only the gvirim will have the extravagant events, which is okay.

To Berel
Reply to  Berel
June 8, 2020 11:40 am

I was about to upvote your comment, and then read the last sentence. The gvirim making extravagant simchos is what brought us to the point of everyone feeling pressured to make unaffordable simchos.

IDEAS
June 8, 2020 12:12 pm

Perhaps the wedding halls can offer a package deal , as they do in other places. Friends and relatives of the family all want to offer mazal Tov, but no one really needs the meal. The meal could be family only (which for some can be over 100) and others can come for kabbalos ponim or dessert. Which is how many have done so far.

E B
June 8, 2020 12:59 pm

ABSOLUTELY!! The trend should be started and continued for years to come. Perhaps COL can highlight these new weddings to show the masses how it should be done. (to benefit the new couple, their real happiness and their financial freedom)

Why don't you start?
Reply to  E B
June 8, 2020 4:18 pm

You be the one who doesn’t just talk but actually makes the smaller, more meaningful simcha.

Halevai
June 8, 2020 1:48 pm

And this initiative should go pls all over the world. Enough with those crazy weddings that costs all the money

Instead of just saying "halevai" and "enough"
Reply to  Halevai
June 8, 2020 4:15 pm

YOU actually do this. Tell your family and friends that you are making a corona style wedding despite being post-Corona. Tell them you’re excited to celebrate with them at a sheva brochos or later in the evening for dancing. You will be doing them a favor by enabling them to follow suit. Enough with “having to invite _____” no one has to do anything.

agree
June 8, 2020 1:49 pm

I am of the opinion that we should think about making weddings cheaper and smaller, invite less people etc but not taka to take to an extreme. A wedding should be nice in a hall with music.

My two cents
June 8, 2020 1:58 pm

Parents please don’t force your children into expensive wedding because you think they want. They don’t know how much living costs they don’t know what they want. Make a small heimishe wedding and let the couple the rest of the money to start their life. When I got married I wanted a small wedding but my in-laws and parents said to invite more.peoople and make nicer food and flowers. I didn’t want my husband didn’t want it was just our parents wanted not to look different. Please let the weddings be smaller. So much pressure on the kids also getting… Read more »

At the same time
June 8, 2020 6:55 pm

I agree with the comments who are in favor of smaller weddings to reduce the cost of the affair. At the same time, remember that we spend thousands of dollars on things that are the opposite of positive, for lack of health, for things that are not worth the money. A wedding is an incredibly special day for the Chosson and Kallah, and they SHOULD feel like a king and queen. This can be done responsibly and without parents going under from the expenses, while simultaneously spending the extra dollar on what would make the Simcha all the more beautiful.… Read more »

Completely agree
June 8, 2020 10:08 pm

These weddings have an added dimension of happiness and meaningfulness. Would love these to continue.

The main issue I’d see though is close friends and family being offended.
In this case was no choice but in normal times, many people are so close and would want to be part of the simcha.
And for those with large families…the numbers BH go up high

Ask any couple one year later...
June 9, 2020 8:49 am

PArents need to guide, the young couple often can’t think ahead. But ask most couples a year later, when bills and daily life pressures start growing, if they would prefer to have that money towards a down payment on a house, or other financial stability…..it’s chaval to throw it out on one night, especially if that involves debt for the parents.

What took the rabbanim so long.
June 10, 2020 4:10 pm

YES!! What took us so long to have the saichel to do this? We have entered into marriages with such stress finacially, sometimes lifetimes, extra mortgages, begging, to pay for a party. And the arguments between families and party providers. It’s unconscionable. If very small weddings become the norm, and if rabbanim would declare the maximum size/expense permitted for a wedding, people would not be put into embarassing situations that they feel obligated to spend as much as the next person. And for those who are wealthy your money is FAR better spent on helping others rather than on flamboyancy,… Read more »

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