By COLlive reporter
A group of concerned Lubavitch women in New York City are dealing hands-on with the matchmaking situation in the Chasidic community.
For over a year now, a dozen or so women meet in Flatbush and exchange names of family members and other acquaintances of marriageable age, using them for future reference.
“Once or twice a month people from all over Brooklyn meet to generate names. Each mentions at least one name and we take notes if we’re interested,” says Elka Pinson, a clinical psychologist who owns a private practice in Crown Heights.
Pinson and Shoshana Lerner, a Lubavitch friend from Flatbush, started the occasional get-together out of frustration with the slow and tedious process of making Shidduchim.
“We are not taking the place of Shadchanim and ChabadMatch.com,” Pinson told COLlive. “This is an issue and endeavor which is bigger than everybody. Forget that it’s hard on the kids, it’s hard on us parents. It has become a preoccupation.”
Asked if she thought there is a ‘crisis,’ Pinson said: “I don’t think there is a Shidduch crisis. It seems like they are getting married later in life. People became more specific; they want a more ‘custom made’ Shidduch.”
The group accepts any female participant, organizers say. They’ve had visits by veteran matchmakers as well as candidates themselves.
Says Pinson: “We didn’t want to meet in Crown Heights because people tend to be more cautious here and we wanted Lubavitchers from Boro Park and Flatbush. We welcome everyone. We even had some non-Lubavitchers who heard about it and came to try if things bubble up.”
Matches are not made in the forum, so organizers cannot estimate their effectiveness.
“Information doesn’t come back,” Pinson admits. “There is no question there were dates as a result, but we don’t know numbers. People can pass a reference to a friend or neighbor and they will develop something.”
The next meeting will take place Monday, June 8th, at 8:30 pm at Bais Menachem Mendel, 1000 East 17th St. (between Ave J and I).
1.daven
2.contact a shadchan
DONt go posting a comment like that.
and what if some hacker just to have fun comments back ‘yes i am a young woman ….’
I don’t live in NY but I did hostess a shidduch group meeting with Rivkah Leah Bernath and the crowd of ladies was tremendously inspired. They decided to daven for each others kids and immediately 2 of their kids became engaged. That was in addition to one girl who became a kallah after her mother came to our first meeting and started davening for others. Somebody UP There likes achdus and that is what is promoted at these shidduch meetings. We are there to help the singles, not judge them.
Bs”d
I’m not a Rav or a shadchan. Sit down and figure it out.
People have cell phones,we have computers,we can broadcast images , thoughts and words anywhere, anytime. Why not
The Rebbe’s point is: Use it for a higher purpose. !!
I don’t know all the details, but this can be a very important tool if used wisely . Hitzonious is in the eyes of the beholder. I see nothing wrong if done right.
Bs”d The fact is , we are human and first impressions are real.Many times they are correct. If the people meet and find a connection, great. It only serves to overcome initial obstacles and problems and find mutually agreeable commonality from one or two perspectives only. You would be able to see them interact with the people at the table and even speaking to the camera person who could ask simple questions like how are you? How do you like the weather? What is your favorite flavor of ice cream, etc and you can get a feel for the person… Read more »
Bs”d
The choice is mutual. They have the advantage of seeing each other live, and even though it is appearances only, it may help to eliminate many harmful misunderstandings from the get go.
Unfortunately you are wrong about the checklists in Kan Tziva. The checklists is what works in the chassidic world where couples got a ‘right of refusal’ (bashow). In kan tziva, it is mostly about whomever looks good that will actually get the dates. In some cases, but the girl would still have to be at least passable looking, it’s the ghezh that will make a guy interested.
The system has to come up with a better solution.
and an amazing thing is happening in crown heights. a group of women are using their shabbos table to invite girls and guys to their tish on alternate weeks. then the group of women exchange notes and make shidduchim. THIS IS USING THEIR NOODLE – so nice, no judgement, all very casual and ahavas yisroeldik. no pressure, no anything. B”H for their ingenuity. May we all take a lesson from this. i say crown heights should all turn their shabbos tables into this. this would bring an end to the so-called shidduch crisis quick smart. why? bc it is done… Read more »
It has been tried and proven that whenever a Shomer for a choson goes to wedding out of town, the shomer comes back almost engaged. The advise is simple. Every Shaboss go to different synagogue or Chabad house out of town. This applies to boys and girls. Going to a different place puts a spot light on person that everyone wants to khow who that person is etc
#24 – you said that you’re not worried about “changing the way things are done” then you said you’re worried that the way things are done will be changed. Make up your mind? #25 – Firstly you are coming from a female perspective and assuming you’ll change guys and suddenly they’ll get into relationships with someone they wouldn’t have if they knew what she looked like before. If only you can reprogram the world. Also about online, any mature person would not let a cyber relationship go far without meeting the person early on (for various reasons) also, it doesn’t… Read more »
i am with chabadmatch email to me i will try to help
bracha
I dont think a shabbos table is condusive to couples meeting…though, its not terrible. I think a speed dating event, under proper auspices is a great idea. the girls can sit at tables with some sort of dividers, and the boys go from one table to the next, each getting a few minutes with each.
another suggestion, of course under proper auspices, and to assure its not only the slim, pretty girls that only get chosen, is for couples to meet on line, where pictures and names arent exchanged, unless theres a deeper interest while chatting.
I think it owuld be highly inappropriate that lubavitch singles would meet outside of a shidduch meeting. It’s not because we ar worried that we should make up new minhgaim that are opposite to our values. It’s one thing if you “happen” to meet someone and another if it becomes something official, and “the way we do it in Chabad”.
As for #12, obviously, it would be extremely superficial!!!!
looking to get married again
I’m young
I am divorced with kids
any takers?
Hey, Change
You make a lot of sence unlike #12
Dovid (#12), the problem with that is that it’s all based on Chitzonios and it’s very un-natural and therefore not real life.
In a setting where guys and girls actually meet they are not just seeing the persons Chitzonios but also can talk to them, see how they interact with others etc etc. That’s how G-ds nature is set up to be.
What’s the worst that could happen? Two good Jewish people might get married?
Your idea, as well as other comments about singles events are very much flawed. What happens if two or three guys are interested in the same girl or if two girls are interested in the same guy? Should they fight to the death to decide the outcome? (LOL!) Singles events will simply confuse you even more. However flawed and slow our current Shidduch system is, it is still far better than the rest of the world. There are, however, ways to improve our current system: 1) We need honest Shadchanim. 2) We need more Shadchanim. 3) We need to work… Read more »
Number 16… Don’t be hard on yourself, you are doing all you can for your daughter. Some tips that worked for me…Use everyone you know in your network, and then use them again. Have them use their influence to press parents where they have a son appropriate for your daughter. Use the internet to learn about potential candidates and what they may have accomplished (I don’t mean facebook, there are Frum sites and Yeshiva blogs that pick up alot about Bochorim and their activities, even have pix). Make sure your daughter is getting the support she needs to present herself… Read more »
GO!!!!! NUMBER 12!!!!!!!!!
I totally feel the same way as number 16 . . . I am also a mother of a lovely daughter, and get days when I feel, ‘Is it ever going to happen??’ We’re gloomy, because it is SO gloomy out there for people like us . . we eat, sleep and breathe disappointment and exhaustion, and dis -illusionment . . . and thats the truth, unfortunately
did we all try everything we possibly can do?
we think so….but may need to think again.
What if we were to practice real Emunah.
Afterall would Hashem do this?
All the trouble we understand Hashem goes to….
and now He forgot epes?
Nah. Let’s go back to the drawing board and see
what else we can do to draw in the shidduch of our daughters dreams.
Giving up? No Way!!
this may be in fact – you guessed it A TEST OF EMUNAH
As a parent of a lovely daughter, I am so disappointed and exhausted by this whole process. I have stopped sleeping and have aged. I don’t know what the answer is. I have spoken to everyone I know. T imes are more difficult than even 5 years ago. Sad to say there is no guarantee that all our children will get married, something unheard of 15 years ago. Sorry to sound so gloomy but as you can tell We ‘ve been through the grind. I do however wish everyone better luck than I have had.
Im not lubavitch, but Im very impressed! Thats called Ahavas Yisroel! However, I dont like #3’s idea
Bs”d
This assumes everyone will have access to a cellphone at the tables
there is not a special place, special shadchanim who specialize for us “special” people.
no jokes – i’m worried and nervous, i’m a newly divrocee, is our community of divored people tended to?
thanks!
Bs”d Invite available females to a location moitze Shabbas and serve refreshments. Have tables with numbers and chairs with letters. Broadcast the event live to another location where appropriate age and grouping ( Say maybe Mishochist appropriate or not , advanced age group,etc. ) Have camera pan the room and zoom in each table and send pictures via skype or whatever to the men’s location across town or even in another city or state …wherever. Do the same for the men’s location and broadcast to the females. The people have to have a rav or mashpia available by phone ,… Read more »
I totally agree with number 3 . . . If it could somewhat be arranged in an aidle manner, say at someones Shabbos table, to get bochurim and girls to be there at the same time time. . or SOMETHING along those lines . . . it would make such a difference and also how dare anyone use the word ”dramitising” the Shidduch crisis, she obviously has no idea whatsoever what we older singles and our parents go through on a daily, weekly ,monthly basis . . just because it may all go well for you and yours, does not… Read more »
did this meeting already happen tonight (june 8th)? i saw it advertised somewhere else for tuesday night, unless that was a different shidduch meeting, the one with rivka leah bernath?
why do you think you are different
you still go to the same ppl everyone goes too,
Why is that there such groups for women only. I think men should also be involved in shidduchim.
Perhaps husband and wife groups would be good, done al pi halochoh obvioulsy
to everyone who is trying to help – thank u thank u thank u
it is only individual people who will help, one by one
where does one go for a shidduch if s/he is divorced (has kids)
thanks!
what are you talking about?
How can you speak about others situations , for every person that a shidduch goes easy there are more then that number that don’t and that person’s situation may seem hopeless to them especially if they don’t have good friends or connections ….
i think their should be lubavitch single parties the the girls and bochrim can deicde for themselves who they want to date.
its enough with the middle people. thats what is confusing this entire system
It’s good to see not everyone is dramatizing the state of shadchonus as a “crisis”. Though the trend for more specific qualities or “custom made” shidduch might in many ways also be of concern and show on certain aspects of how we bring up our children.