By Tzirl
My daughter is a local Crown Heights high school girl. After school hours, she enjoys babysitting and making an income. Over the summer, she babysat just about every night.
Very often, even when she finished babysitting very late like midnight or later, the parents paid her, thanked her and said goodbye. She was left to walk home alone.
Often, she was too embarrassed to ask for a walk or ride home. Sometimes, when only one adult came home, she couldn’t even think of asking to be taken home.
I ask this of the parents that hire her:
My daughter was in your home keeping your children safe. She was your babysitter. Don’t you want to keep her safe as well? Doesn’t she deserve that?
Any time a babysitting job ends after 10:00 or 10:30 PM, please make sure to figure out a safe way for them to get home. They are high school girls. They may say, ‘it’s okay’ and they can go home alone, but it is not okay and they can’t go home alone.
One day your children will be grown and doing babysitting as well, you would not want them walking home alone late at night…
In high school, if I babysat for someone and then walked home alone, I used to text them to let them know I got home safely, whether they asked me to or not. I guess I assumed they would worry about it since in my mind it was at least partly their responsibility. As parents hiring sitters in Crown heights, we didn’t have a car, and I knew most High school girls would be uncomfortable walking alone with my husband, so with their agreement, he would always walk a few paces behind her so she didn’t have to be uncomfortable… Read more »
we always walked or drove our babysitters home, whats the question?
As a child, when my parents would go out, one of them would pick up the babysitter beforehand, and drop her off when they came back. I am now a teen, and I babysit, and I have to make my own way to a babysitting job. No, I am not “rich” and cannot afford to take a cab, hence, I am babysitting. My parents are not able to take me/ drop me off at every babysitting job I have. IT IS COMMON DECENCY TO ARRANGE A WAY THERE AND BACK FOR THE PERSON WATCHING YOUR KIDS! You want me to… Read more »
I would assume the responsibility is on the babysitter, or perhaps the parent of the babysitter if she is young…
What does Torah say?
As a single mom, i always come home alone. And always order a taxi for my sitter. A good chunk of the time, the girl will refuse and say ” no its totally fine i can walk” etc. im not sure why. I try to persist, but i cant beg a girl i barely know. Im alays worried and text her later and always mortified that the parents think im being cheap. All im saying is- dont be so quick to judge. I hope your girls explain when theyre offered a ride and refuse it!
How can someone let a teenage girl they hired to babysit leave at such late hours. Ik someone mau find it hard to find a way home for their babysitter but you hired them and they helped u out u don’t feel ashamed that u are putting a teenager girl in a dangerous position???
While most sitters do live nearby, this article is obviously referring to situations where they don’t and while most babysitters will not encounter a male adult or teenager who will take advantage of their innocence, we know that those things are possible in frum homes. We also know that some babysitters come recommended by friends who turn down the job and the family and babysitter don’t know each other.
I’m old enough to be a grandmother, meaning I’ve had kids, kept them as safe as I can etc… Was ‘old enough’ to have them yet I STILL WOULDN’T walk home in crown Heights late at night, alone. Seriously. Age is not the issue!!!
If the employer cannot drive the babysitter home she should let her know in advance and the mother can either pick her up or she can be sent in a cab… Both are responsible, period.
@88
Don’t find it shocking. It’s a random internet comment, not a mishna or gemorah.
The odds of a babysitter being compromised babysitting in a CH Chabad home (C”V) approach zero. We live in generation bogeyman.
Also, it’s rare to unheard of for a babysitter to sit for a family she has no knowledge of and, to the point of this article, most babysitting is done by sitters who live on the block or in the building.
We need to mindful always but we do have a tendency to lose perspective.
I find this so shocking! Moral of the story: Check out home and fam b4 sitting.Do checking for safety. Babysit for people you know or come highly morally recommended.
Some fans are extremely respectful to babysitters and their schedules and requests too. Let’s all try and be sensitive and menshlich
Good Yomtov
Sweet healthy new year
Parents be aware of whom your daughters are babysitting for. There are some HUSBANDS who like to flirt with some type of sitters and it is worst if they take the sitter home!
Many years ago the Rebbe commented that now that in the general society women do many jobs that were previously only done by men, we should take advantage of this and for example specifically request a female cab driver. If the plan is for the babysitter to go home by means of car service or uber, at a minimum a female driver should be requested. However, what I think would be a fantastic win-win solution would be for one or more women in CH to make something like uber just for the Chabad community where all the drivers would be… Read more »
My husband and I have a policy that any time we invite women or girls over for night meals on Shabbos or Yom Tov, either they sleep over or we walk them home. My husband will insist on this even when they say they’re fine walking home alone. We do live in a relatively safe out-of-town community but we want to be Mentschlich and ensure their safety.
Sounds less safe than all previous suggestions
BS”D don’t know if this suggestion was made as who can read so many comments-why not have the baby sitter sleep over and go home in the am.K’Siva v’ Chasima Tova L’Shana Tova u’ Masuka to you and your Mishpacha.
Its allso normel for the mom to make sure she knows how her duter is coming home like if she is geting picked up or she sould meet her mom or someone by a store or 770 and the babysettersould try to make sure she has her way like for exmpel my mom she well ask how u geting back? Like once its fegured go if shell have to pick me up or meet my sebling if the person cant take me back and try to have it cloes to home cuz it does halpe me and my mom even… Read more »
I babysit a often day / night and all the time they give me a ride back home i think that’s the right thing cuz u take a babysitter and u should make sure she has a way back (its just being polite) or ask a sibling to pick u up. And on other hand its more like we need spending money cuz i think it’s unfair to just spend ur parents money..so just becus were old enuf to do a job it doesnt mean that we should be walking home at 10 30 or past by our self and… Read more »
I think that often, people are desperate for a girl to babysit. There are times such as during exams or productions that fewer girls are available and if the parents need a sitter, they do have to negotiate. I can certainly understand parents who don’t want their daughters out late at night, especially when there is school the following day, regardless of how they are getting home. When my children were in their teens, I often had to put my foot down about late night babysitting, even if they had a ride home. It was too bad if the wedding… Read more »
if you clarify beforehand that the babysitter has to walk home herself THATS NOT THE PROBLEM
the problem is when parents say theyll drive me home but then they DONT
which happens VERY OFTEN
Actually NOT ALL Ch’ers shop locally for designer outfits. They may go to Marshalls etc or wear hand-me-downs and look beautiful! I live here. I don’t wear designer! I don’t feel entitled but many of our guests do! They want best service from our community.. Sharing our homes…taking our seats in shul… And much more. Bec you are a guest and shame don’t get to come here so often we must always move over. And, last I remember you guys look mighty fashionable & are buying up all that gorgeous merchandise we could never afford on our budget! Please do… Read more »
if you can’t drive a babysitter home, try factoring the uber cost to your night out. It’s called budgeting and living within your means. Btw I don’t own a car and will always walk the sitter home no matter what!
I always hear how ch’ers have no money but whenever I come to town everyone’s is dressed in designer clothing, the Kingston shops are all overpriced yet no one can afford the very low tuition cost compared to what the rest of us oot pay.
It seems to me besides basic mentchlichkiet ch has an self entitlement problem.
This article was written about crown height.
All of you in la or Melbourne or wherever. You don’t understand the crown heights life at all.
We dont have cars. We don’t have money.
We actually dont all have husbands.
Girls are not bullied or begged into babysitting.
They are asked, can you please babysit from 7-10
will you be ok walking home then. The answer is either yes or no. Finished.
Stop, yelling about mentchlichkiet. Its not mentchlich to be so judgmental of others when you have clearly no idea of what ots like for a minute in their shoes.
i dont know whats the HALACHA says about this but i know that we are chassidim, and chassidim go BEYOND the letter of the law!!
Babysitter should CLEARLY make up from BEFORE that she is being walked/driven home.
Never ceases to amaze me how defensive people get in regards to their comments. I agree with the author. Regardless if a husband is home or not to take the sitter home, it is the employer’s responsibility to ensure she gets home safely. Would YOU walk home at 11:30 or later alone on a dark street especially in CH? Obviously those with vehement opinions saying ” old enough to babysit old enough to walk home alone” It has “hit” something raw within to make them feel that way. I wouldn’t even want my husband or parent no matter how old… Read more »
After all the comments I am
not yet clear whose responsibility this is. Wonder if Halacha says anything about this. I also many times wonder when seeing little children being dropped off home by school van drivers – is it the van driver’s responsibility to see this young child gets inside safely or is it the parents responsibility ?
Did anyone consider that a good portion of the girls that are babysitting are trying to earn some extra money….possibly because they come from large families and their parents cannot afford to give them the extras….maybe they’re saving to go to seminary etc.. Besides the fact that it’s not safe to make a teenager walk home alone at night, you expect them to pay for a Taxi both ways…that means their pay is cut in half or less !? You make it sound like these girls have a Corporate Job and are expected to figure out their ride to and… Read more »
Parents beware!. Check out where your child will be babysitting. Even this is not enough. Get educated about how to prime and educate your child so that she won’t be attacked/molested/or even made to feel uncomfortable by inappropriate interaction. Also there have been number of reports of children being molested by their babysitters. Speak frankly with your children about “good touch-bad touch”.
i’d say there must even be a makor in Torah for this.
A few points in response to those saying people are more mentchlich out of town: 1. In CH less people have cars 2. In CH there is a high percentage of low income families. Sometimes there is no choice but to hire a sitter (think mikvah night, PTA, etc) but if we have to pay for a cab on top of the $10 – $12 an hour to watch sleeping children, many simply cannot afford it. 3. In any town there are single parent homes, who can’t exactly pile the sleeping kids into the car to drive the sitter home.… Read more »
WE live in Melbourne, Australia and have never ever had a young girl walk home after babysitting for us!
Basically, we try and treat other people’s children the way we would like ours treated. None of my friends here would even DREAM of making a young girl walk home in the dark !
Do you have to be an out of towner to realize this?!!?
I wish people would be more careful with how they treat others and not make the neighborhood such a harsh place to live.
Room for INCREASING mentchlichkeit – not just INCREASING RENT !!
why there is no problem of yichud in a uber?
This article won’t work because some girls and their parents don’t mind that they walk home Late. You can’t expect all people who want a babysitter to be more responsible then the babysitter and her parents. the solution is to tell your daughter that she can’t babysit unless they agree to take your daughter home. Or if you think that uber is ok then only if they agree to pay for an uber driver. What ever you think is appropriate. Its always more effective to teach your children how to keep themselves safe then to tell everyone else to keep… Read more »
All depends who you’re babysitting for. My daughter once babysat for an Israeli couple (never again) was paid 30 nis/hr (acceptable). The couple took a bus and there is no taxi service in our Yishuv. It was my responsibility to make sure my daughter had a safe way home.
Mentchlichkeit dictates one thing, but generally speaking transportation is not an employer’s responsibility.
As a high school girl that babysits in LA I can say that every single time I babysat they asked me if 1 I was ok ubering there. 2 if I’m ok u bering the way back and if it’s past like 11 ish I usually say no and they drive me. 1 time she came home later cuz the car broke on the road and she didn’t have uber so she asked me if I can uber myself and she gave me like 7$ which totally covered the cost
I have had negative experiences from being walked home after a babysitting job, and so have many of my friends. Most girls woul never tell their parents if actually something bad does happen. There’s yichud for a reason! And no teenage girl should ever be alone with an adult male driver, even if she stays in the back seat! Parents be mindful of the houses you let your daughter babysit. This is a place she is spending long hours at unusual times, please check out the family first. Your daughter might not be comfortable discussing awkward or questionable things that… Read more »
In Crown Heights, for some reason, people tolerate kids walking alone at night! How many times have I picked my child up, late, from a farbrengen or school trip at 11,12,1 at night and driven kids home even though ” my parents let me walk alone”, because I can’t let a kid walk alone down quiet streets (not central) herself! And she couldn’t call her parents to pick her up because they were sleeping!! Parents – make sure your child is safe at night before retiring!
wow!! moms who need babysitters: Remind yourself what it was like when you were younger and scared to walk home because it wasn’t safe!!! Are you seriously going to make a point as in a court of law to whom the responsibility lies upon? You can stay stuck there if you want but when you sit back and view both sides it is as clear as water. Be a mentch!!! Do what you would want someone else to do for you or your daughter babysitting.
To the commenters saying that if she’s old enough to babysit, she’s old enough to make her own way home, I’ll say this: your kids are probably all still young and you’re not seeing the perspective of parents of a teen. A teen is NOT yet an independent adult commuting to work, even though she is old enough to watch children responsibly. You may understand it when your own kids reach that age!
I’m shocked and horrified, especially in crown heights which is not known to be especially safe that’s anyone thinks it would be OK to let a girl walk home alone. I wouldn’t want my kids babysitting for someone that careless! Very alarming and very selfish! What happened to menchlichkeit? This is NOT the same as an adult getting a job, unless you’re hiring an adult. What happened to basic menchlichkeit?? Shocking!! For those without cars there has to be some way for the girl to get home safely that she feels comfortable with. And it IS the responsibility of the… Read more »
As a mother of a teenage girl who babysits, I’ll say this: the parents of the babysitter do not have to shlep out at night to pick up their daughter! But my daughter does have to be safe. Lots of times people call my daughter begging her to babysit. If you want your babysitter to accommodate you, you need to accommodate her. It’s not her parents job! If you can’t arrange for her safe return home, please call someone else! Even if you’re desperate, the answer will be no if you can’t be decent.
Never never should any child be left alone.
If there are two and one could drive then it’s optional but not when only one. Safety for each and every person is mandatory.
As it I almost never go out because i can’t afford the $10 per hour. Now youre telling me that I have to pay for a taxi back also!!!
There are some people who simply dont have the money.
Yes, your daughter shouldn’t walk home alone if she feels unsafe. BUT as her mother, TEACH her to tell the parents that when she takes the job! I have hired many sitters who agree to work for me after we confirm price and transportation! Give YOUR daughter the skills she needs to stand up for herself, it a lesson that will last long after her babysitting years…
if everyone is blaming the responsibility of a ride home on the other (i.e. babysitter, sitters parents, sitter-ees, etc) then where is our point going? in short: our children need to be safe. each sitter in her own city with her own families needs to figure out a safe mode of transportation. and thats up for everyone to figure out together! theres no reason why a girl should have to walk home alone at night, especially in unsafe neighborhoods such as CH. please be sensitive and aware of your sitter! although better than walking alone at night, it does arouse… Read more »
In our city the Rav does not permit a man to drive a babysitter home at night. Get an Uber and just decide upfront who pays. I think the babysitter should as its her commute to work cost. The family should wait with her to make sure she gets into the car safely.
My daughters babysit here in a out of town nice size jewish community for anash, non lubavitchers, and non frum. It has never happened that they didn’t bring her home. I’m shocked that in crown heights which are all chassidim, in a less safe neighborhood, wouldn’t have the same standard.
lol thats actually not such a bad idea
If she can’t figure out a safe way to go home safe she shouldn’t be babysitting. Let her arrange a taxi or have her parent come get her or figure out a way home. Able to be responsible for other children need to be responsible for themselves.
Is there a list of available baby-sitters? Always looking and find it hard to find.
A bachur usualy isnt practical because of Yichud
I was a sought-after babysitter in Williamsburg, where I lived.
The husband always walked me home. This includes
R’ Yom Tov Ehrlich a”h, whose children I sat, as well as
several prominent Rabanim of that era. I earned a top wage
for then – $.60 per hour, or, as I liked to put it, a penny a
minute. Very few people had cars then.
Mindy Feller
My daughter lives in CH she will only take the job if they can take her back its that simple and the families do they want her to come back so they treat her with respect nd i thank them from far. Thank you to the families who make sure she gets back safely!
The STANDARD in out of town communities is that the family arranges for the sitter to have a safe ride home. Then again, if mentchlichkeit was the norm in Crown Heights, it just wouldn’t be the same…
This article is clearly a product of the ny liberal culture which has unfortunately spilled into our holy circles.
Your daughter was never forced to babysit anyone. She chose to. And she got paid for it. Stop making more demands. She can always take an uber back home. Good night to you.
Is a job that one gets paid for. Therefore, as any other job it is the responsibility of the one being employed to find her own way to and from the job.
That doesn’t discount safety. So as with any other job weigh up and take into account all areas of the job and discuss it before accepting the job. Stay safe, be careful and Hashem should protect us all!
Hire a BOCHUR. Most high school bochurim would be happy to babysit and have no problem walking home alone at 10:30.
I would never allow my kid to babysit if the way home was not insured for her. MOMS it is up to you. My mom and I were driving home from a chinese auction one night. We were turning on to Kingston, and we saw a young girl walking herself. It was freezing outside, and being that we had worked at the auction it was around 1 am when we saw her. I stopped the car, and asked the girl if she needed a ride. She came into my car, as we drove up kingston there were exactly two sets… Read more »
It is your responsibility to make sure that you have a way to get home after the job is done, maybe the person that you babysit for cant leave the babies or kids home alone to drive you home, its as if you were working any other job it will be up to you, to get home safe
Yup! I live in a big out of town community! It is unheard of NOT to drive the sitter home at night! If my husband is out of town, I’ll find someone who lives on my block or I’ll pay more to get an older sitter who has her own car and can take care of herself!
I’m old enough to take care of children – I’m a mother of grown children- and I don’t feel safe walking around at night in all areas of Crown Heights. Being old enough to care for children doesn’t make you immune to being mugged etc. I think if you want to hire someone to carefully watch your children, you should have basic decency to be concerned for their safety. You can drive them home or pay for a cab.
when we babysit, you need to think: how are we getting home?!?! its not a joke!
thanks for posting!
When I was a teenager baby sitting it was my job to get to and from not someone else’s. I think parents should take a greater role in ensuring their children’s safe return to their own house. I also am in the position where I can’t hire a sitter to make sure my sitter gets home and I’m not hiring a Uber either. If they are old enough to make money they are old enough to learn how to be responsible for their own transportation.
The mature babysitter ( she must be she’s watching your kids and you trust her) walks alone at other times eg: lchaim, school function….. When she sits for you discuss the going home plan with her. Tell her your policy ( I will get u a cab, I am a single mom and can’t get you home ….) whatever your policy is have her discuss it with her mom/dad/ aunt whomever she lives with and all should be on the same page as far as safety goes.
Thank you wonderful babysitters for giving us an opportunity to get out.
where a girl is told to go in the evening to a street corner on the fringe of the neighborhood to wait for a bochur she has never seen before……I would call that.very unsafe!
I am a mature adult and babysit often in my community, I make a point of telling the people they are responsible to get me home, even if it means they must pay a cab and they except it!, In a place like Crown Heights, you the person who hired the babysitter have the responsibility to make sure your babysitter gets home safely, especially young girls!!!
As a high school girl that babysits in LA I can say that every single time I babysat they asked me if 1 I was ok ubering there. 2 if I’m ok u bering the way back and if it’s past like 11 ish I usually say no and they drive me. 1 time she came home later cuz the car broke on the road and she didn’t have uber so she asked me if I can uber myself and she gave me like 7$ which totally covered the cost
I am 13. I am not in high school but I still babysit a lot. I am in 8th grade. Baruch Hashem I never had to walk home, but I was always scared that I would have to. Thank you for expressing this in your article.
This would never happen Out of Town…and I’m not talking about rural areas. I live in a populated Frum city and it would never occur to anyone not to drive the babysitter home or at least arrange a ride. Words like’ If She’s old enough to babysit then she’s old enough to walk home alone at night’ is Ridiculous talk!
I have a teenage daughter who babysits extensively and in general the understanding is that the person hiring her will drive her home. However there are cases, such as when only one parent is coming home that this is not an option. In these cases and in all cases clarity should be put forth BEFOREHAND as far as how the baby sitter will get home prior to agreeing to babysit. If it can’t be logistically worked out then she doesn’t babysit. I know I’m not interested in the middle of the week in going out late at night and picking… Read more »
……let’s all agree that this is a joint responsibility of basic human consideration for one another….
None of the girls I know feel comfortable walking home with the father.
None feel comfortable driving home alone with the father.
None feel comfortable driving home alone with an unknown Uber/car service driver.
Solutions?
1.) Her parent picks her up.
2.) The babysitting family pays for 2 babysitting friends who live close to each other so they can walk home together.
a lot of times the parent says they will drive me home, but then when its time to go home something comes up and they cant drive me anymore which isnt fair
and average teenage girl is afraid to walk home, but is just to scared to admit it to the parents, in case they will think she is too immature and wont hire her again. as a regular babysitter, i can tell you that the people who don’t care about girls safety, don’t treat the girls the greatest either.
Why do u contradict urself???? U feel that ur daughter walking home alone is not safe so you obviously care about her safety- and yet you still go let her babysit while it’s still unclear whether she has to walk home… It YOUR responsibility too!!! Don’t just dump all the blame on the family your teenager babysits for!!! I’m not saying they’re NOT to blame- but you are just plain contradicting yourself
if there is a fire you call 911 and then the parents. you don’t call 911 to get an escort home
…Sitters are not grossly underpaid – they make 40-50 shekels per hour (very good for Israel). And you pay for their cab ride home.
Dear People who take babysitters,
You are right, it is the responsibility of the girl who babysits for you to find her way home, but MENTCHLICHKIET dictates that you make sure she gets home safely. After all is said and done, should something happen to the girl on her way home, would your really feel ok with it?? How would you live with yourself. So granted, if you are not a mentch and can not understand that you should get this girl home safely, then YOU DONT deserve the unsuspecting babysitter that comes to you.
that’s a very VERY stupid comment
i’m train to be a babysitter and resolve an emergency
but i don’t know karate or kung fu!!!!
to whoever said ask in advance- i always ask if they can drive me home. However, sometimes, even if they say they will, only one parent comes home and it ends up being impossible. other times they say theyll be home at 9 so it doens’t matter but then they end up coming home two hours later.. and they only let me know once i come that theyll be late.
One does not have to do with another. A teenager can be responsible and capable for watching over children but even your average adult would feel uncomfortable walking home along late at night.
If you’re old enough to be responsible for children in the event of an emergency, you’re old enough to walk home. If you feel unsafe walking home alone, how do you feel safe caring for children in the event of a fire c”v, which is all we need you for when our kids are sleeping?!?
Excellent, that you brought this is up. We’re all arguing about whether it’s the parent’s or the girl’s or the employer’s responsibility and the answer is …. all of the above. We are one people and need to take ownership of situations as however they may be — in a place where there are no men, hishtadel …. The solution is that the 7 dollar cab fee be added on top of the wage to be used on transportation if none is available. And if you as employer look to save your 7 and hire someone who doesn’t care, well… Read more »
before your daughter takes a job that will end late. its your responsibility as a parent to make sure how she will go home. you cant totally rely on the other parent.
I’m with you mom! It is definitely the right thing to do! How can hosts not feel guilty after they let a young girl walk home alone at night?
Many times people offer, and it’s very kind, but if I say I want to walk by myself please don’t insist on walking me home.
As a young mom living in Boro Park, every single girl who has babysat for me made it clear that if it’s after 11, I need to pay for a car service or drive them home. Often I’m without a car but I happily pay for a car service.
Just read a debate on this on Quora.
#8 your very wrong… often its late and its cold and its unsafe for a teenage girl to walk home
Not mentchlich?? Please dont label us and make gross assumptions. How can I leave my kids alone by themselves to drive home the sitter???
When I need a babysitter it’s often because my husband is not available. I come home alone, it’s enough work to hire a babysitter I dont need to worry about her way home as well, this is HER responsibility if she committed to the job. It’s no surprise when I’ll be home, I hire her from 8:30 – 10:30 for example, if she’s not comfortable taking the job, please say NO, I can’t worry about someone who’s old enough to babysit, that’s not my responsibility, that’s yours.
Find out what goes in the home. You”ll be surprised at what she may be exposed to. When ppl aren’t mentchlich enough to offer to take her home, they’re probably not careful about other things either. At the end of the day you have to screen the home and family!
I don’t let my daughter babysit unless she makes sure in advance that someone will walk or drive her home
My younger sister will walk home after babysitting in the less safer areas of Crown Heights. Use uber or a different taxi service if you can’t walk her home!
As a parent of a teenage girl I do not want my girl walking at night alone.
But it is my responsibility when my child takes a job to make sure she has arranged a safe way there and a safe way back, if that means I take her back and forth or she arrangers with her employer.
I agree that girls at that age shouldn’t be walking home alone. And the parents who hired her could be more menchlich and walk her home but, it is your job as a parent to make sure your high schooler is safe. I do not let my high-school daughter babysit random people, I make sure I know that family or ask about them beforehand, and I also make sure to tell her she can’t walk home herself and has to make sure of that before agreeing to the job. Let’s daven that hashem should keep all our children safe!
She’s YOUR high school girl and it’s YOUR responsibility to keep her safe. Don’t let her take jobs that end after 10pm. Make it clear to the people that she babysits for that your daughter is out the door at 10pm weather or not they are home. Trust me, they will be back on time.
thanks for saying what all of us are thinking