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Tuesday, 14 Heshvan, 5780
  |  November 12, 2019

“Pressure-Cooker” Shidduch Time

Op-Ed: Dating before the summer months brings its own set of challenges, making a complicated process even more so. Full Story

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yasher koach to COL for this one
Guest
yasher koach to COL for this one

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you. you saved us.

No pressure anytime
Guest
No pressure anytime

I think you bring a great point that although it can be a bigger deal in the summer is really a year round issue. Pressure. For those that believe in pressuring a shidduch there will always be a reason to push the process. Tishrei, chanuka, yud shvat, chof beis shvat, another family wedding happening, no family weddings happening etc etc. For those that are aware of the dangers of pressure they realize that it’s okay to take some time for dating. It’s okay to take some time away, or carry on a long distance for a few weeks. It’s okay… Read more »

Thank you..
Guest
Thank you..

Could not be said enough..Its not only summer but all year round. Many times people just need that space and more time which in so many cases are not given…

Fantastic
Guest
Fantastic

“wonderfully accomplished, capable, well balanced young people from good homes…” I would be more impressed if they were so fantastic from difficult homes. HaShem places a child in a given family so if the family is not chaotic and the child becomes another Lubavitch cookie cutter, congratulations, nice and easy.

SO TRUE!
Guest
SO TRUE!

Well written! I must say, Chazak U’baruch to the author of this Op-Ed! Secondly, I would like to add, it’s impossible to know a person in 5 weeks. The whole “Date for a few months” thing is ridiculous. Date for at least 6 months, and date often. It takes a long time to know the person as a whole, and not seeing the whole person and getting married to them is highly risky. (Even if it doesn’t show, there could still be major problems in the marriage.) Good luck to all the people who are dating, and make sure to… Read more »

Yossi & Leah
Guest
Yossi & Leah

Oooooorrrrrrrr…..

Option #3 could have been NOT bring a head counselor that summer and finish dating the girl of his dreams….

Exactly what we may be about to go through!
Guest
Exactly what we may be about to go through!

Sure hope my sons shadchans reading this one!
Thank you!

Giving time and space is so essential..It also shows your willingness to give in life.
Guest
Giving time and space is so essential..It also shows your willingness to give in life.

Manny times its not just the time of year but one of the sides are not willing to give the extra time needed…we hear it happen often how one side calls the shidduch off because they went out 10 times and their date is not ready…or needs time to work it through. (There is a reason the Rebbe said when dating, take as much time as you need, but have a short engagement) If you really like the other person then would it not make any sense to give them the ample time and space THEY need?…After all, it is… Read more »

solution please?
Guest
solution please?

I agree. So what should one do if it is 2 weeks before the summer and one has just started dating/about to start etc?
Cancel summer plans? Let down Shluchim? cancel the expensive flights?
or postpone shidduch… maybe permanently :/
or ask him/her to follow you to your exotic destination?
catch 22.

To #9
Guest
To #9

One should not start dating if one has summer commitments two weeks henceforth. You can do your research, exchange dor yeshurim numbers, and plan to date as soon as summer commitments end. If one of the parties doesn’t have plans, they should be open to date someone else should something come up in the interim. Obviously, what Hashem has planned for them both is what will happen.

Great article. Thank you so much!

Literally anxious
Guest
Literally anxious

Sure let’s put undue pressure on Leah, how DARE she not know she wanted to spend the rest of her life with someone after 5 weeks! Literally this whole system could use so much reforming. It’s wonderful at it’s core but come on, People need to take a breathe and do what is best for them.

Giving time while dating
Guest
Giving time while dating

Heads Up – best advice while dating don’t give any pressure to one another. Understand that this is the biggest decision in ones life and it’s only normal to give the person as much time needed. If you end up putting on pressure it can easily break up the potential shidduch. Dating is a nerve wrecking time in general – you have 2 strangers trying to get to know each other..you have your mind racing with different thoughts on how you feel about each-other etc bringing up marriage to fast can easily scare the other person and end things for… Read more »

to number 12
Guest
to number 12

could not agree more! Why do things have to be so rushed

Intersting observation
Guest
Intersting observation

The sentiment of giving each other the time they need seems to be repeated over and over in the comments above…I find it interesting…as I happen to know someone that was dating and although interested in the shiduch working out there was somethings that person needed to work through before being ready to take it to the next step…and said that they are going to need a few more dates, being that they already dated multiple times the shidduch was called off. Although we know its bashert, while your dating let it play out verses jumping to conclusions unless your… Read more »

thank you for writing this much needed article
Guest
thank you for writing this much needed article

so often a good shidduch is put to an end because of time pressure. This is a very stressful and unnatural way to date. If you care about someone (possibly your potential spouse) give them the time they need to feel comfortable.

Mashpia
Guest
Mashpia

These are great examples of why the rebbe encouraged us to have Mashpiim
Both my wife and myself would not have been READY with out the clarity given by a independent person – Mashpia

Yossel
Guest
Yossel

Pressure is never good! Those in a Shidduch need to feel that they are making the right decision, and from what I have seen, couples who are rushed into making a decision, regret their choice later on.

to add to the point
Guest
to add to the point

When I was dating years ago, and still had doubts in my third round with the same Bochur, and fourth date of that year, the Rebbe answered, by you and (many?) others, 4 times is not enough, go out again!

A shadchan
Guest
A shadchan

Years ago I dated my soon-to-be chosson once a week. For a few weeks. Time spent processing dates is as important as the dates themselves. Internalizing ideas that have been exchanged on dates is as important as the dates themselves. Downtime is as effective as the dating itself. Please don’t rush to see each other without a week or at the very least a long weekend or a good few days in between one date and the next. Even every other day is too taxing on the decision making process. . As this letter indicates, this is not something to… Read more »

Give us a break already.
Guest
Give us a break already.

Too much advice and the system is still out of kilter.

pressure
Guest
pressure

We put so much pressure on ourselves trying to fit in with time constraints in life in general,that we just need to stop and see that the world hasn’t fallen apart when we stop and smell the roses.Make sure to follow your heart,your logic and everything will fall into place.

We try not to date for 6months
Guest
We try not to date for 6months

Unfortunately even the biggest tzadikim have tavas the longer u date the more comfortable you get with one another and unfortunately might do things that are not appropriate. The shorter (not saying 2 dates) but the shorter the dating and engagement period is the less tava or the easier it is not to give in to your tavas. Wishing everyone in this process and easy and smooth darning process al derech hatorah. May we be reunited with our Rebbe before Gimmel Tammuz!

to #5 really?
Guest
to #5 really?

“Date for at least 6 months, and date often.” says who? . I happened to have dated for 2 weeks. After that me and my wife were both ready, with no outside pressure at all. We are happily married with children. I know it generally does not work that fast, but it is not correct to say: “it is impossible to know a person in 5 weeks. There were no surprises in my case, everything I saw in my husband, is what I got. On the other hand, you can have people dating for 6 months, and then when they… Read more »

Suggestion?
Guest
Suggestion?

So what do you suggest to someone in such a situation?

To 24
Guest
To 24

In a situation where one or both of the people involved in the shidduch are not ready to commit (with a longer than 2 week break in between) the shidduch should be temporarily broken off, with the understanding that of both parties are still “free” and interested after the summer, they will return to this idea.

my son dates
Guest
my son dates

every week and when it comes this time of year everyting almost shuts down till elul

TIME
Guest
TIME

It’s sad..I have at least 3 friends that felt they had met their bashert but needed a lot of time. And because of pressure from one side it was called off. 2 out of the 3 ended up getting back together after a few months. So be careful first time around instead of wasting time. Why is it that 6 dates in our system things get so serious.

Citizen Berel
Guest
Citizen Berel

“”wonderfully accomplished, capable, well balanced young people”

Either this isn’t true, is true by some weird definition or they did not get divorced. Marriage is supposed to work cause you make it work.

People don’t get divorced because the aren’t ‘compatible.’ That’s modern gibberish.

One or both have issues, most often one, but no preference to gender, in every case I’ve heard of or seen.

The Head Counselor Type.
Guest
The Head Counselor Type.

It’s for these reasons that I stay away form head counselors for my daughters!
When you date to fiend your Bashert that should be your # 1
Priority!

times have changed!
Guest
times have changed!

We had a similar situation years ago in our family: bochur was scheduled to work at camp, his parents accepted an offer a few weeks before the camp started. BH there was no drama–they liked each other, got engaged quickly, and married in the fall. Happy ending for all, BH.
While we all agree that people should not be pressured into the biggest decision of their lives, I wonder what is taking these young people so long to decide? 6 weeks x twice a week=12 dates. If the answer is “no”, one should know by then.

BACK TO BASICS
Guest
BACK TO BASICS

Let’s remember the simple principle of dating:
• We date to find out IF we feel comfortable with ourselves while we’re around the other person.
• We take a break to find out HOW MUCH we feel for the other person.

A couple who are meant to be together will end up together, while a couple who aren’t, will end it. That’s what bashert means. That’s what hashgacha protis means. That’s what trust in G-d means as taught by the Baal Shem Tov.

what
Guest
what

what is a good reason to call off a shidduch?

Hello
Guest
Hello

why didn’t Yossi ask Leah to go out after camp

Shidduchim today
Guest
Shidduchim today

I wonder what constitutes no pressure? Is there ever a thought to what is our value system? When, if ever, is too much? Perhaps along with paying the shadchan we also need to make sure that the young people have a dating coach, a mashpia who is willing to give the time needed. Making such a huge decision of whom to marry is fraught with pressure. No matter what!! And there is no getting away from that. We are talking about children who were brought up in frum chassidish homes, and who want to build such homes. It needs to… Read more »

Pressure is good
Guest
Pressure is good

Agreed with some previous comments,
that this is not necessarily a “summer” problem.
As with any situation in life a certain amount of pressure is vital to decision making.
And this decision is no different .

You gotta be kidding..
Guest
You gotta be kidding..

No. 5 did you say SIX months?? Oy vey. no wonder we are having issues in the Shidduch world! Going out for 6 months will NOT help, in any which way, to get to know each other any better than the traditional 2-6 weeks. I honestly don’t know when this “mishigas” started but no where is it helpful to try to really really get to “know” someone – it only creates tension and gives TOO much time to look with that microscope at the invdividual’s chesronos (and who doesn’t have any) whereas when you date for a decent amount of… Read more »

curious
Guest
curious

did yossi and leah give shadchanus gelt to the first shadchan also?

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