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  |  April 21, 2024

Practical Incentive for Those Who Make Shidduchim

From the COLlive inbox: A practical suggestion for Shidduchim that other communities have implemented and claim great success. Full Story

L’Chaim: Avraham – Manssouri

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February 20, 2024 11:47 pm

Mrs. Bluming from Maryland tried this earlier this year air last year and didn’t really raise much. Hatzlacha raba!

This exists
February 21, 2024 12:04 am

It’s called Shadchan Gelt. It’s an unsaid rule that the parents “tip” the match maker (fyi the tip is usually a good few grand)

Reply to  This exists
February 21, 2024 10:34 am

That the person who wrote this is a shadchan

Reply to  This exists
February 22, 2024 1:13 pm

not at all true its way less youd be shocked!

Practical and positive
February 21, 2024 12:04 am

Good idea

Saying so much...
February 21, 2024 12:15 am

So, so useful (in a few aspects). Thank you for all the info. May you have much

Funding for the singles
February 21, 2024 12:21 am

I think we should start a campaign to fund the singles who are waiting for years to get a phone call. To be set up.

February 21, 2024 12:49 am

So many shatchanim ask for a fee in advance and nothing comes out of it. $10,000 for just a name and pants. Seriously?! I can literally do it myself for free!
I understand this is an idea to make an organization but to charge or collect to keep it running? The regular shatchanim already are doing it on their own. What’s the difference?

Reply to  Unsure
February 22, 2024 1:17 pm

Thats maybe 1 or 2 most are not like that. alot of shadchonim have no fee whatsoever and rely on the parents to do the right thing if a shidduch is made. often the shaddchan is last to be paid and has to sit and wonder how much and when if ever they will get some hakaras hatov

February 21, 2024 1:15 am

Thank you for sharing We Want Moshiach/shidduch Now!

February 21, 2024 2:19 am

Dont forget the amazing Bonei Olam, who successfully raises thousands of dollars for the chance of 1 more precious soul. How many neshamos could be born, families built and lives changed with that level of funding for shidduchim!

Besides rewards, this theoretical org could also research what is practically helpful in making shidduchim, sponsor coaching for singles who can’t afford it and mentors for those who dont have parents who can help them.

So much room for growth in this area, I hope someone can take this on!

Better idea
February 21, 2024 3:15 am

Maybe give the guys money everytime they agree to date.

If guys would agree to date more, that would increase Shiduchim a lot more than by encouraging people to think of more ideas. Most older singles know of all the names available, they just need to be incentivised to actually go out.

running for the hills
Reply to  Better idea
February 21, 2024 8:55 am

dating is not the issue
they date
they just have a fear of commitment
so they lead the girls on
they think they are getting engaged
in the meantime the guys are just having fun
and then run for the hills

spot on
Reply to  running for the hills
February 21, 2024 12:47 pm

unfortunately this is a concept that we have been experiencing

just the opposite
Reply to  running for the hills
February 21, 2024 12:54 pm

I find the girls are non-comital and not serious about settling down

Reply to  running for the hills
February 22, 2024 1:08 am

Please don’t pay guys to date ! Guys who have no interest in getting married or struggle with fear of committing have ZERO business going out on Shidduch dates !!!! It leads to absolutely nothing good other than girls being taken for a ride and getting hurt !

Food for thought
Reply to  running for the hills
February 22, 2024 2:45 am

A lot of guys are hesitant to go out because dating isn’t free and money doesn’t grow on trees. Many times the Shadchan and or girl aren’t willing to compromise to make it also work for the guy. Many guys will bend over backwards and spend money they don’t always have to make it work to just turn around and be told it’s not “shyach”.

Reply to  Better idea
February 21, 2024 9:15 am

Can you imagine telling people that your current husband had to be bribed into going out with you? That’s romantic and sounds like a lasting relationship to me

Reply to  Haaha
February 21, 2024 11:27 am

It is happening a lot more common then you think AND the girl knows it and agreeing to marry into such a situation knowing she has her mother in laws back up and her own classic women tricksup her sleeve, and he ain’t going no where. Saddest part is: men will do nothing to get themselves out but only complain how horrible women are. DO SOMETHING!

It’s not that simple? They dont want to take the responsibility to get out. They’d rather stay then get out. Okay, your life. Just don’t complain.

Beautiful idea
February 21, 2024 5:53 am

I like this idea,

Great idea
February 21, 2024 7:04 am

It takes brainstorming to make ideas happen – an incentive definitely goes a long way! (Especially for young couples who are working hard to make ends meet)

And more $$ for their thirties and forties
February 21, 2024 7:18 am

Happy to pay. But need a shadchan who would try help.
Any suggestions??

ok .....
Reply to  And more $$ for their thirties and forties
February 22, 2024 1:20 pm

how does one reach you

February 21, 2024 7:25 am

yet another fundraiser?

It's not about an incentive
February 21, 2024 7:53 am

Older singles are set in their way and are hard to work with. They must first work with an open mind.

Easy to say when you found the one!
Reply to  It's not about an incentive
February 22, 2024 12:58 pm

Please don’t judge people prior to being in their position.

February 21, 2024 8:01 am

Excellent idea!

Great idea
February 21, 2024 8:06 am

Money always talks!

February 21, 2024 8:13 am

Why is it only important if they are older then 25? If the rewards work, and we give it for every shidduch we wouldn’t have so many over 25 to make.

You are missing the point
Reply to  25?
February 21, 2024 9:15 am

Every person who makes a shidduch no matter the age gets a reward. This article is talking about an extra incentive for older singles who get forgotten

Older single guy
February 21, 2024 8:36 am

If a shadchan doesn’t want to work with me or give me decent suggestions based off my communication with them why would I want to deal with them when all of a sudden they have a incentive to want to deal with me. No incentives are needed you either want to help and actually help or say you want to help but don’t mean it bc you don’t actually care.

Look at it this way...
Reply to  Older single guy
February 22, 2024 1:23 pm

you are looking for a Martyr not a Shaddchan. it take days and many many hours to try to help someone find their Bashert. they deserve to get paid and fact is incentives help. if you wont go to a shadchan then gets incentives then good luck

February 21, 2024 8:44 am

Thera nothing practical about asking people to donate money for it to be given to any person who makes a match. My 16 year olds niece could make a match for 2 older singles what your gonna give her 3K? Or is this just for shadchanim to incentives them to be more understanding, and make others who are not officially shadchanim left out? There’s nothing practical about this idea, practical and shiduchim are two words that cannot be used in the same sentence.

I'm in
Reply to  Practical
February 21, 2024 2:34 pm

My sis, I’m down to give your 2 nieces my resume and the 3k if she sets me up.

Reply to  Practical
February 22, 2024 1:25 pm

Why not? my 16 year old daughter made a successful recommendation for a shidduch it would be nice if she got something. as a teenager she told a shadchan i think so and so are a match and now they are married

Dating Gemach
February 21, 2024 9:09 am

How about making a Gemach for singles to help them afford dates, especially if they have to travel and finances might be hard for them.

This Gemach is called a JOB
Reply to  Dating Gemach
February 21, 2024 10:42 am

If a man can’t afford to take a woman out on a date then he shouldn’t be dating in the first place. Including travel expenses. That’s what leads to wasted time and leading a girl on and not committing. Men must feel secure in order to commit to a woman. That’s just the reality.

Reply to  This Gemach is called a JOB
February 21, 2024 1:55 pm

That’s definitely sounds like practical advice, however based on everything that I have read from the Rebbi on this topic, that was not the Rabbi’s opinion.

Split travel costs
Reply to  Dating Gemach
February 21, 2024 11:54 am

How about splitting travel costs for an extra incentive for people to actually do proper research before agreeing to go out? Happened to me quite a few times I got a flight, had to find a place to stay then went out once or twice only for the girl to say she didn’t want to continue for things that should have been clear upfront if proper research was done. Not that I can’t afford the travel costs but it would help prevent wasted time/money and disappointment and frustration when it doesn’t work out.

system is messed up at its core
February 21, 2024 9:18 am

if you don’t allow men and women to mingle themselves and want to learn about each other naturally, you’re just matching up future divorce cases. heartbroken for all the women who get trapped in loveless marriages

Reply to  system is messed up at its core
February 21, 2024 1:10 pm

This I agree with.
Most of our problems are self made.

Why for just over 25
February 21, 2024 10:40 am

Please do this for everyone. My daughter and her friends are 21 and nothing coming up them , just random profiles that have no connection from really busy shadchonim that can’t even meet your daughter for five minutes.
To the Shadchanim that doesn’t even respond please just even a thumbs up would be the correct thing to do.
Some shadchonim are wonderful and respond and genuinely want to help but it’s a really hard place to be for these girls and it doesn’t have to be like this

Reply to  Why for just over 25
February 21, 2024 11:31 am

Dont call profiles sent to you random. If you do that then your daughter is just as random as many girls around the world who are 21. Shes not the only one, you know. And perhaps even if it’s a suggestion send: give feedback, say thank you. Many girls I dealt with, dont even do that so why should I set them up?

Reply to  Please
February 21, 2024 4:09 pm

Please look up the definition of random. It it not at all derogatory. Everyone is random to someone

Reply to  Why for just over 25
February 21, 2024 2:00 pm

Due to the huge Shadchan shortage, shadchonim are extremely overwhelmed, many of them wake up to 50 WhatsApp messages from parents reaching out, it’s extremely difficult to get back to everyone, as sad as it is, much more people have to get involved in order to ease the crisis.

how can someone become a shadchan
Reply to  Shortage
February 22, 2024 8:50 am


Shortage ...
Reply to  Shortage
February 22, 2024 1:28 pm

Theres a shortage becasue they dont get paid and people need to make a living

February 21, 2024 10:57 am

Nice idea.
In other communities they ask the high school students to each give an amount (eg $250) and between all those who give, and reach the age of 25 before getting married the Shadchan that makes their shidduch will be awarded (eg $3000).
Extra money can be raised, but at least this way there’s a large amount of money to start with.

What did I just read?
Reply to  Nice
February 22, 2024 7:24 am

Oh we should be asking children in high school to pay for shidduchim? This sounds totally reasonable.

I can’t imagine splitting this money up between multiple people won’t cause issues at all. Not to mention those who got married and then got divorced before the feared age of 25.

Getting everyone thinking...
February 21, 2024 10:58 am

Great article,
Keep the ideas coming!!

February 21, 2024 11:26 am

Until this project begins…
Parents should tell the Shadchan that they will pay $2000 (or more) EACH SIDE!
If people can’t afford it, how about cutting some wedding expenses? Can’t you have a wedding without flowers? Skip the video. Cut the Viennese table.
Why do we become cheap when it comes to paying the Shadchan?
If we pay more we’ll get better service, more people will become Shadchanim, and presto, we might even solve the Shidduch crisis!!
We can’t expect shadchanim to hustle day in and day out and then get a tip.
Shadchanus needs to be a good parnasah!!

February 21, 2024 11:41 am

Shadchanus Gelt should be regulated and then you’ll know which Shadchanim are in it for the right reason – “Separate the wheat from the chaff”!
All Shadchanim should sign up to an organisation that only pays out on success – an engagement.
You win some, you lose some.

Anyone who does not want to sign up should NOT be asking for or expecting money or tips.

February 21, 2024 3:34 pm

Hey, why don’t you offer to regulate other professions?
Mosdos administrators!
People in charge of mosdos
Etc etc.
Why does everyone feel the need and the right to bash the shadchanim?
Why don’t you try to make a few shidduchim and see how it goes!

Reply to  Hey
February 22, 2024 1:17 pm

You hit the nail on the head!
If people were engaging in the (said) profession because they “believe in it”, as apposed to just in it for the money, you’d have better quality Shadchanim, teachers etc,.
The unregulated fees being demanded (up front or otherwise) is enough to put anyone off!
No one should have to feel like they can’t afford or don’t deserve a chance.
It’s become an unregulated business and needs to be mended.
If parents didn’t have to pay such astronomical fees to the Shadchanim they might just have money to pay for the wedding.

who will do it?
February 21, 2024 1:09 pm

There are so many Ideas and so many organizations, but who would really step forward and do it? we are very good with donating to Ten yad, boni olam, hachnasat kallah, and many more. What about shidduch house? how about them collecting money for this matter? would they hire few devoted shaddchonim pay them per hour and get some good result from this?
I heard some wealthy people in Lakewood put money together and hired matchmakers to do their job they made more than 100 shiduchim in 1 month.

Reply to  who will do it?
February 22, 2024 2:38 am

Someone who is/was an older single.
Who else would have the passion and care to dedicate their life to this project?

Tried and tested
February 21, 2024 3:12 pm

This has been tried and tested many times. On one occasion that I know one party asked for a refund from the Shadchan since the marriage lasted only 6 months.

This isn’t just a transactional arrangement this is about peoples’ lives.

This is a joke…right?
February 21, 2024 6:08 pm

So in addition to the shadchan gelt and the fee for “dating coaching” (which doesn’t cover the work the singles/their parents do weeding out the the resumes that the shadchonim send that will get discarded because they never listed to what the singles are looking for in the most basic sense) now we should pay them even more money? Ah! But us older singles should be grateful for whatever we get. That anyone would even look our way past the age of 25.

If I wanted to pay someone not to listen to me and waste my money…sure! Why not?

Wrong Direction ...
Reply to  This is a joke…right?
February 22, 2024 1:31 pm

you are obviously using the wrong shadchonim

What’s the reason
February 21, 2024 6:28 pm

Maybe if we would put an emphasis on learning and instilling the importance and meaning of marriage to singles, parents, Shadchanim, friends… and awaken the spark that we have within us to this matter then we’ll get somewhere…if people are losing touch with the matter itself, I don’t think that calls for more focus on money, the money that may be involved should be a side note (not that the money doesn’t matter…tachlis, I think we can all agree that the Shiduch itself should be the focus), are we forgetting the point?! I think marriage is something that should be… Read more »

February 21, 2024 8:21 pm

I think that the focus of this letter is not neccesarily for shadchonim who can

continue their important work but for private citizens who ordinarily do not think

about shiduchim for the their friends relatives who will seriously try to bring

up names for their acquaintances. because of the incentive to earn money.

This can only be developed if there are a group of askanim or askaniyot who will raise the initial funds to get this project off the ground.

Perhaps focus on the person
February 21, 2024 8:59 pm

Think instead of the focus on incentives for those suggesting, shaddchen, friend, relative… (although that’s important). Focus should be on the single boy or girl. Perhaps the big issue is that some older singles are looking for a high standard.. being picky… and that’s ok. It’s a big life decision, and people are entitled to want the best. If focus can be on singles to help them build their life to be wholesome in many areas of life, knowledge, wisdom, occupation, personality, organization, settled, clarity, and others.. So when they meet each can impress the other from the start. Think… Read more »

I cannot stand when people tell singles
Reply to  Perhaps focus on the person
February 22, 2024 8:49 am

that they need to “work on themselves”
They probably already have, did, and may have more than a married person! Don’t ever tell that to someone.

Unofficial Shadchan
February 21, 2024 11:07 pm

I’m an “unofficial shadchan” and had the zechus to make some matches bh. I don’t think there’s a shidduch crisis, I think there’s a marriage/intimacy crisis. Most singles I meet are not really ready to get married. They may say they are and look like they are but when they actually go on a date they clearly show they are not. Some have deep fears they are not in touch with, and it comes out when they are dating or decided if they should date. Others finally realize something is “wrong” after they are getting older and went out with… Read more »

Reply to  Unofficial Shadchan
February 22, 2024 2:34 am

I think the cause of the crisis is a lack of trusted adults in singles’ lives.
A trusted adult would go a long way in overcoming fears, increasing self-esteem, etc..

your comment is false
Reply to  Unofficial Shadchan
February 22, 2024 8:47 am

and wrong