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Wednesday, 13 Kislev, 5780
  |  December 11, 2019

Our Great Shidduch System

Shidduchim SOS: How fortunate are we to have the concept of shidduchim, and not (G-d forbid) the secular ideals of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." Full Story

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Don't just look at the divorce rate
Guest
Don't just look at the divorce rate

You can also look at the marriage rate and at what age, their marriage rate is much smaller the divorce rate is a lot greater and the age the average person gets married is also a lot later. And lets not forget that marriage to us means something completely different then what it means to them. We have a completely different culture then they do, there is no point in trying to compare. But we do have a system that can get some help, and we must not ignore its issues and say ‘by them its even worse’, even though… Read more »

really?
Guest
really?

the author’s argument is weak. one star out of five, could have been MUCH MUCH MUCH better!

impressive
Guest
impressive

would not believe a bochur wrote this
this sounds so feminine

well written
Guest
well written

the divorce rate is absolutely higher among those who find their own partners, than those who allow the shidduch system, and Hashem’s hand. how many couples do we all know that fell apart after years of them dating each other…and what beauty in the marriages planned by Hashem- true Bashert.

Point
Guest
Point

After reading this article i clearly didn’t understand what the author was trying to say. How is this gonna help the supposedly shidduch crises. I could tell a lot of effort was put into this article but for what? what are you gaining from it? is your point that the system is good or bad? So should you really get to know the person that you are going to marry? These questions are still unanswered. PLEASE. someone post an article answering these unanswered questions. As every shidduch article goes we seem to be just collecting some or no ingredients for… Read more »

Divorced
Guest
Divorced

Very well put!!!
A+

to LA bachur
Guest
to LA bachur

I want to see a honets re-write 2 years into your marraige

You Haven't a Clue
Guest
You Haven't a Clue

LA Bochur — you know nothing about secular relationships other than what you see depicted in the media. You haven’t a clue as to how people engage in relationships outside of your community, yet you feel the need to engage in pseudo psychobabble, intent on elevating yourself by putting others down with imagined fairy tales. The “shidduch system” you brag about has plenty of shortcomings. There are many single women and men who thanks to this system remain alone late into adulthood. The matchmaker hasn’t found you a match? Hang out in your basement for a few more years and… Read more »

Doctors, lawyers, rabbis
Guest
Doctors, lawyers, rabbis

There’s a reason smicha certificates aren’t as respected as law degrees. A law degree takes three long years of intense study to achieve, and hopefully it leads to a successful profession/career. Smicha (in Lubavitch) takes less than one year of sleeping in to earn, and it leads to nothing. In Chabad, people who are barely religious are able to get orthodox smicha. It’s insane.

As for doctors, don’t even try putting them in the same sentence as actors. Olam Hasheker or not, there is hardly a more honorable AND VITAL profession.

what is the point
Guest
what is the point

is the point to get married and stay married or is the point to stay married and actually be happy?even people who are staying togethor are not necessarily happy. its not a system that is flawed its about emotional maturity and a willingness to work things out.

his point was not extremely clear
Guest
his point was not extremely clear

I think his point was: Marriage is not all about romance, perfection, ‘love’ etc. Marriage is something Yiddishkeit insists on as an avoidah and a path to fulfilling the ultimate – having and raising yiddishe children. I think he means to say that we need to realize that all marraiges – no matter how much you date, no matter if you think you’ve figured the person out – will always have its struggles and it is WORK. And with the right attitude and right outlook and right work the marriage can be successful. So -its kind of what Manis said… Read more »

Nice article
Guest
Nice article

i liked the article but i dont agree with not looking into detials which u say are unimportnat for example “isshe adventeruouse – how does she feel about yechi….”
those are importnat things that swhos she is that will now change- so yest that is a big deal for me to know about my schosson before i marry him. if you said does his family o= have money- or does he have importnat grandparent than yes id agree with you . but about HIS opinions and personality %100 you should know before

shiduch problem
Guest
shiduch problem

i think its enough with everyone giving their 2 sense to the ”shidduch crisis” just everyone get married and everyone will be happy

On the fence
Guest
On the fence

Firstly, I’m very into the new initiatives that have been talked about here (on COLlive). At the same time I do see what the author is trying to say here. Maybe you have a point though I am bothered by two things you said and I can use some clarification. 1) You mentioned that we shouldn’t worry too much about compatibility but also said that compatibility is important. This definition is so vague that it leaves question as to what your point was. How do you define too little and too much compatibility? 2) You mentioned the higher divorce rate… Read more »

to 13
Guest
to 13

I am trying….

no. 13
Guest
no. 13

ditto no. 13, can’t just everyone get married already and be happy??

and they call us klipafornia...
Guest
and they call us klipafornia...

firstly, students in the los angeles school system are obviously amazingly awesome and not fried out at all…and I agree with this writer. The concept of boyfriend girlfriend…seriously get a life…its just a bunch of teenagers who think theyre “in love” and get “heartbroken” oh boo hoo. Just like he said olam hasheker yeah get a reality check ppl u were never in love. However, I do think having a job like being a lawyer (kay is a more extreme career choice) but how abt a doctor lets say thats important to have a job to be able to be… Read more »

I disagree with this article
Guest
I disagree with this article

I am a therapist in Manhattan with a very large marriage counseling practice. My patients are about 80/20 secular/religious. There is NO question that the divorce rate among secular circles is much higher than among the religious. However, in my humble opinion, a successful marriage should NOT be measured by whether a couple remains married, BUT RATHER by how happy married the couple is. Among religious circles, women have a very limited ability to obtain a get, and since they tend to have lots of children, even if they are able to obtain a get, their prospects of finding a… Read more »

I thought this was sarcasam
Guest
I thought this was sarcasam

when I first read the title I thought someone was being sarcastic. But then I realized you were serious and now im a scared ( and btw I did not even read the entire article) my dear bochur, while Im the first to say that are system has advantages (mainly tznius) I would not never go on to call it “great”- YET. even if I got married tomorrow. It is by far, far from great.

points
Guest
points

truth is that we need to hear something about shidduchim, we have to hear the opinions and where things are at……something has to move to get people to think and assess and make decisions, grow, change,etc

Why all the negativeaty?????
Guest
Why all the negativeaty?????

He has a point. It’s not all about romance etc it’s about creating a house that the aibushter wants us to build, to see in each other the other side of his/her soul and bind it together to create (or try) one perfect complete soul. Forget the shtussim we’re much higher than that. Well done La guy! Kudos!!!

to 16
Guest
to 16

yes, like the next person you date if he or she is 75% decent-tie the knot!!!

Brilliant!
Guest
Brilliant!

Because everyone knows that couples who shidduch date never argue over money, or over the chinuch of their kids, or over anything at all!!! They never argue, period! That’s the beauty of the shidduch system!!!

some good points
Guest
some good points

I really was intrigued by what #18 wrote. It’s true. We can’t compare our marriages to the outside world, b/c quite possibly frum women are just more tolerant and/or afraid to be single and all that it would entail. (raising kids alone, being alone….). Proof to that might be, how we now actually see more divorces in our community , b/c the women nowadays are more brazen. However, the author makes an interesting point as well, which i think is true. if while dating u get caught up on the nitty gritty details, which ultimately won’t be that important compared… Read more »

to #8
Guest
to #8

why the crushing? what a terrible reflection of yourself…
yes this bochur is young and pure and innocent. he is enthusiastic about the shidduch concept. he said nothing about its system. let him express this freely. why should he have to wait till he learns english?

TO EVERYONE!
Guest
TO EVERYONE!

INSTEAD OF CRITICIZING THE AUTHOR AND INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING GO GET MARRIED.. EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE UPON THEMSELVES TO HELP OUT SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS SINGLE, HELP THEM GET MARRIED. OBVIOUSLY THEY WOULD GO GET MARRIED IF UP TO THEM. EVERY PERSON KNOWS SOMEONE WHO IS SINGLE AND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE/SIBLINGS YOU CAN MENTION NAMES. LETS GET DOWN TO TACHLIS AND HELP THOSE WHO ARE WAITING TO BE HELPED.

well written
Guest
well written

I agree with you 100%

Likutei Sichos Chelek Aleph...
Guest
Likutei Sichos Chelek Aleph...

…First sicha on Shmos (I think). Learn it and then tell me again if you think it is more important to stay in Yeshiva or become a doctor.

agree with # 18
Guest
agree with # 18

i agree with you a hundred percent especially on the fact that religious people lots of time’s don’t rely love their spouses. and to what you say after, about this problem with the love, it is because this is the way they were brought up, IE in the religious community’s it is frond upon boys and girls to mix and even talk to each other. and thats where kids start to learn about love. so about this that religious people lots of times don’t rely love each other you cant blame them, and further more this problem cannot be stopped!

I can not beleive the mean-spirited comments
Guest
I can not beleive the mean-spirited comments

This article is not one of high controversy, and yet people thought so strongly but to tear the poor thing to shreds. His point is don’t be beyond picky. Yet people posted exaggerations about the shidduck system and about Chabad Smicha. They seemed to be from fried out individuals that never really had the inside experience of what they are speaking about. Smicha generally takes 3-5 years if you had no prior education. It takes a year if you learned Yiddish and Hebrew when you were 5 years old while sucking your thumb. The 3-5 years is 12 hours a… Read more »

my 2 cents
Guest
my 2 cents

Really ? you seem to live in a bubble.. Did you ever share an apartment ? Have a business partner ? have employees ? you know nothing about relationship’s. Is dating long term better ? depends… I dont intend to shotgun date.. long term dating thats marriage oriented seems to be more my style. Are you able to admit your wrong ? keep your mouth shut when you want to explode ? be calm when your blowing up? be honest, sincere, truthful, direct, open… cheerful? Give me a break! Sure the divorce rate is lower.. but are frum marriages happy… Read more »

please get back to your sefer
Guest
please get back to your sefer

A bochur should be learning, not daydreaming. 🙂

terrible article
Guest
terrible article

nothing new and it’s not as if you’ve been married for years to give advice as clearly visible

Homework
Guest
Homework

to all those singles out there, read a page of eternal joy everynight (preferably with a friend!)

NUMBER   #3
Guest
NUMBER #3

why do you say its very feminine?

good upbringing
Guest
good upbringing

seems like the author’s parents have a wonderful relationship. he obviously thinks everyone’s marriage is happy. but in truth not all marriages are naturally happy. it takes a lot of avoda effort and BITTUL. but just like a beinoni, maybe “l’kach notzarta”, and the effort is your goal in life. and one CAN be happy serving Hashem knowing that the struggles that he is trying to overcome is accomplishing his mission in life. A person has no right to an easy/happy life. if Hashem decides it shouldn’t be easy to have a naturally happy life than so be it. someone… Read more »

I like it!
Guest
I like it!

I actually agree with the title of this article – I’ve thought more than once about this, and really appreciate the fact that b”h we have the “Shidduch system.” Emotions can very easily cloud a person’s thinking, and when looking for a marriage partner, not a boy/girlfriend – the emotions should come AFTER the intellect – just like in chassidus, first there is moach, and then comes the middos. And even during the “dating process,” there are some things which you may think about, but as you are not yet engaged, would not be proper to say directly- because of… Read more »

To LA Bochur
Guest
To LA Bochur

So a quick-fix for the velt would be to get to know their spouse even better? Well-written article though. You sound like a guy I go on release time with who keeps saying he is Yael on COL.

love in marriage
Guest
love in marriage

to everyone out there who is not married this is a scary thing to read that religious ppl don’t love their spouses. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. A torah marriage is based on respect, commitment, giving and love. True love is created by the afformentioned first three. Romance is definitely part of a torah true marriage, not of course starting a relationship with romance but incorporating after marriage after commitment. Just look at our tanach at the marriages of our avos and great ancestors. They went out to find their wives in a tzniusdik manner and had private romantic relationships filled… Read more »

estie
Guest
estie

neither way (secular or shidduch) of getting married is guaranteed to produce a happy couple both ways will almost always probably the normal and oft unmet challenge created when a man and woman commit to a lifelong monogamous relationships. 99% of the time they will talk, think and want differently. don’t rush to get married. don’t push people to get married . marriage has its pros and cons, just like being single or divorced does. don’t set unattainable expectations… I could go on, but the truth is that people on the verge of marriage will never think logically and almost… Read more »

Don't worry be happy
Guest
Don't worry be happy

selfish is a recipe for an unhappy marriage. selflessness and compromise, respecting your spouses choices. I beleive everyone can have a happy marriage that is what marriage is sapposed to be and what hashem wants. work on it it’s worth it.

#26 so true!
Guest
#26 so true!

neighbors , friends , relatives please make an effort to think of those that are single and suggest shidduchim for them!!!!!!!!

Disagree with #18 & Why this is a good article
Guest
Disagree with #18 & Why this is a good article

It is really very simple to understand the purpose of this article. With all of the problems our shidduch system has, we should not kid ourselves into thinking that finding our own shidduch, or doing things along that path will improve our lot. The shidduch path is better for the reasons the article mentions. And his depictions are basically correct. Actually, I am not sure the the author is a bochur. He knows too many truths that one discovers only after marriage. Here is the reason I disagree with 18 (who is either not a marriage counselor, or has a… Read more »

Good marriage
Guest
Good marriage

I agree with the writer. I am married BH 21 years.I went out with 5 boys, the first 4 once or twice and decided they werent my cup of tea.. I met my husband 3 times, after the first time I knew he was the one I wanted to marry. Did I know him? not too much. did I love him? not yet. was there attraction? yes. did we have a good chemestry? yes. I felt I knew him forever. How is my marriage? BH great. KAH. I love my husband deeply and it just gets better. What is the… Read more »

Dear LA Bochur
Guest
Dear LA Bochur

I understand the points you were trying to make, they just came out sounding a little different due to the way you wrote them. One very important point that you did not write about a Boyfriend/Girlfriend Relationship: As long as they know that they are not married to each other, they have no responsibility nor commitment to each other as there is nothing binding them to do so. That is a big factor in divorce after relationships, often prolonged relationships. Marriage unlike the lovey dovey girlfriend/boy friend stage insists upon assuming responsibilities and commitment to each other – something that… Read more »

shadchanim  half-truths
Guest
shadchanim half-truths

The system is miserable due to the half-truths and misconceptions provided by the shadchanim.

to # 30
Guest
to # 30

sign

Sorry but you are not making a fair comparison. According to your logic, Law School takes 10 years as you first need to go to High School then Undergraduate and then finally law school…..

Poorly written... You are in gagaland!
Guest
Poorly written... You are in gagaland!

Your article is all wrong! Instead of adopting the theory that says any man and woman can marry as long as they both want a Torah home, think of it like this: The less you have to argue about and the more similar you are, the better. When dating, think not just about whether the person wants a Torah home, but whether you want to live with this person, whether your personalities and interests are similar, if you enjoy spending “down time” the same way, and so on. Your example of Bill and Karla describes my first marriage to a… Read more »

to LA bochur!
Guest
to LA bochur!

I got the point , It is simple and true.Thank u.
but after reading part of the comments ….I realise how Olam Asheker is strong!!!
Come on people, take new glasses and look at the emes!!!
Dont get dazzled with the darkness!!

Would he like to date my daughter?
Guest
Would he like to date my daughter?

She is pretty, responsible and has a good job, and loves her nieces and nephews. She will make a perfect mommy!

TO 30
Guest
TO 30

Who are you trying to fool about the Smicha???
We’ve all been there done & that. What you said is just factually incorrect. Or maybe you are not familiar with what real smicha is.

to number 4
Guest
to number 4

who says hashems hand is not in it when a couple finds each other themselves?!!!!!!

Misled
Guest
Misled

My boy, you are sadly misled. First of all, how dare you put down the importance of doctors???? Are you for real??

I hope and pray you never need one – although I’m thinking a bit of therapy might do you good.

As others said, whether a couple gets divorced or not does tell you what’s going on behind closed doors.

You, my boy, are NOT ready to get married. Come back in a few years.

To # 11
Guest
To # 11

One should read no further than what you wrote to understand what marriage is about. Thank you

CH Girl
Guest
CH Girl

I love your point!
p.s. are you currently on the market?

Remember...
Guest
Remember...

A long marriage does NOT always equal a happy marriage. Please KNOW THAT. Many couples suffer silently for many years. Many feel very lonely within their frum marriages. Many can not open up about their unhappiness because of the numerous children or grandchildren they have AND the stigma attached to the idea of a DIVORCE. Secular or frum….it’s ALL part of the same imperfect world we live in. There are flaws in ALL kinds of unions. Labeling is disabling. Unhappniess knows no difference betwen frum or not frum. It can affect all of us. I see not much difference in… Read more »

Perhaps Finally: A Practical Solution
Guest
Perhaps Finally: A Practical Solution

People often comment on these articles that married couples should take a few minutes a day to think of shidduchim for friends. I have tried this with my husband and it is hard – when you try to actively think up of matches, your mind just blanks out – you know what I mean 🙂 Here is my more practical variation on this idea: Make a hachloto with your spouse to focus on just one single person – a niece, cousin, or friend. Do not sit at the kitchen table thinking of names. Instead, the hachloto is, that for the… Read more »

To #18
Guest
To #18

The vast majority of religous women you have counseled say they have never loved their husbands!? That is their personal problem, not a problem with religious people. Ahavas Yisroel begins with our spouses!

Agree
Guest
Agree

#18 is sooo right, No one wants a divorce however the frum community is tragic and only those that would defend marriages devoid of true love, affection and happiness because of the status quo is because they can not even conceive of such a life, so they say it is not important, some even pretend to believe that. Do they care if their spouse is happy? What can they do? This is the way it is both stuck and fearful to even entertain a different life.

Yasher Koach
Guest
Yasher Koach

Finally someone has something positive and real to say about Shidduch. Yasher Koach and A Gitte Shabbes.

TO NUMBER 31
Guest
TO NUMBER 31

Nu! Get your name to a shadchan! It’s a “boy’s world”. I’m 21, and I’m a good frum girl from a wonderful family and every time I’m “red” to someone – he’s always dating someone else.

You said “no one is after you”. Maybe you haven’t put yourself out there…

I'm Married for over 30 years
Guest
I'm Married for over 30 years

#18 is wrong BECAUSE #44 is right. #18 claims that in frum circles it’s harder to get a divorce than in secular circles but this is precisely the reason why the frum marriages are also happier than the secular BECAUSE divorce is not so easy. Secularists very often get married for cheap reasons of what they thought was cheap casual and non real “love”. The moment reality sinks in, they drop their spouse like a hot potato, in an instant, without any serious thought or serious work to try and work VERY HARD, fix it first. The fact that by… Read more »

No adequate training in our schools on "how to make a your marriage happy"
Guest
No adequate training in our schools on "how to make a your marriage happy"

Unfortunately the hard work which makes a happy marriage is not taught in any Yeshiva in CH nor in any Girls school in CH. This must change, if we are to have better marriages. It can only be made better if the married couple and better yet, training before marriage, have learned what it takes to make a happy marriage and exactly all the ins and outs and all the details of what the “hard work” entails. As for Bochrim’s Yeshiva, we could perhaps be Melamed Zchus, that we don’t want to teach them, because we don’t want them thinking… Read more »

DO NOT AGREE!
Guest
DO NOT AGREE!

I do not agree! in the secular, world, they LIVE with each other for a while before they get married- they DO know a lot about the other person, and they do know what it’s like to live with them. The example you brought is SO not accurate! they don’t get married and then move in together, they have already lived with each other and done a lot of things together, before they agreed upon marriage. although the religious way of marriage may result in less divorces, that doesn’t mean it is a better system. there are many more frum… Read more »

Article's point and to #18
Guest
Article's point and to #18

Is not about how awesome the shidduch system is or how bad the other system is, but the point is:

BE FLEXIBLE.

That’s it. The rest, what do you expect he is a young bocher, with limited experience. But he is right in what he is saying.

For example… myself I’ve met a girl from LA (where the bocher is from, interestingly) and even though so many things were right, she felt that our “personalities are different,” and we stopped dating.

Everyone is different, and if you are flexible you can make it work.

my 2 cents
Guest
my 2 cents

#61,
Herein lies the failure of the above praised system.. It only rewards those that are cookie cutter dullards

to 57
Guest
to 57

good idea! has it worked by you?

to #35
Guest
to #35

Men dont usually get so philosophical.

Secular world marriages
Guest
Secular world marriages

Hi, I would say that many, many of us secular “guys and gals” grew up in homes of neglect and abuse (that is, from homes without Torah – you are very fortunate). Let’s just say that many of us were, instead, raised by the tv and other media – rock stars, celebrities, and the such. Who cares/why does this matter? Well, 1) secular newlyweds have to start their marriages fighting/reversing the secular media messages (that have pervaded their entire lives before marriage) – that advocate for the “greatness” of being single and independent (“free”). And, 2) many, many secular newlyweds… Read more »

to 64
Guest
to 64

I agree with you. I also prefer the secular world. They actually date the person. The shidduch system on the other hand, is nothing more than a facde.

Nu?
Guest
Nu?

Come on people, this is, I think, the first time I’ve seen so few comments on an article about shidduchim! Either because everything that can be said already has been said, read, argued, and agreed upon. Or, because the author writes the truth – and you just can’t argue with truth. One can try, but it doesn’t work for very long…
Yasher koach to the author, and as one girl wrote earlier – are you “on the market?” 😉 I see there is more than one of us that’s interested!

chana
Guest
chana

I have to say that we dated for slightly longer than most Chabad people do – fine. What wasn’t fine was that my mother kept pushing off the wedding, and in the end, we were engaged for a year minus four days. (No, my mother didn’t come – we finally got married before Pesach – eight months after we had first wanted to – and she was pushing for us to wait till after Shavuot.) BUT – and here’s the BUT – because of the stress and the long wait, there have been absolutely no surprises, and honestly I think… Read more »

chana
Guest
chana

Oh – and I AM chabad, if you were wondering.

shlucha
Guest
shlucha

We are on shlichus – we know people getting divorce like crazy – for the most rediculous reasons. the second one has to work on the marraige there marraige ” is on the rocks”
These are couples that dated for years, lived together for one year etc……… For those that think that frum couples dont love there husbands just respect……… what are you talking about – while there are plenty of problems the average person with a healthy marraige – LOVES her husband

To the "Hollywood/glamorous romantics":   #64 & #70
Guest
To the "Hollywood/glamorous romantics": #64 & #70

What are you talking about – all this “lovey-dovey” talk? I was a secular person who did all the “lovey-dovey”, superficial STUFF you speak so “lovey-dovey” about. My friend, you are too comfortable and sheltered in your material trappings, growing up comfortable under your parents and sheltered in your nice chinuch. Who’s talking about “matters of the heart” – realness – in your life, as opposed to “What am I going to get”? …FIRST, who are you, really? …Someone who everyone else has told you you are? Your cherished ideas about the material trappings of your current single life is… Read more »

Waste of time
Guest
Waste of time

I don’t think a bochur who writers about married life should be taken seriously!
It’s very clear you have no idea what a real relationship is about. Which is fine- you haven’t had any experience yet. You will. But please don’t lecture the rest of us about what it takes to have a good marriage.

GOOD POINT!
Guest
GOOD POINT!

he has a good pont! dont try to deny yhte fact that this is olam hasheker! he never said get married to ne shmoe joe, he said u x needto know them “like the back of ur palm” okay??? and yes, talmidei chachomim are MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOCTORS!!!! for real! dont let olam sheker blind you.
one article i found wort reading!

to the therapist (18)
Guest
to the therapist (18)

Just wanted to point out a couple of points: a. As a marriage counsellor you will natrually meet the unhappy people. People who have have good marriages dont go for counselling. Boruch Hashem a majority of frum marriages are happy. b. the type of happiness I am talking about in a solid frum, chassidishe marriage is something that is hard to describe. As a shlucha who has been exposed to details of lots of marriages (good ones too) I can tell you we have something that others dont. c. your point of frum women putting up with things that secular… Read more »

Sorta right
Guest
Sorta right

You have a point here and there but I think is that only a couple that is perfect can be truly happy in big ways you right but I sometimes people are happy either way so it doesnt matter we’re just from different worlds then they are.

There is never too much information
Guest
There is never too much information

I disagree with the author’s point hat there is no reason to ask numerous questions about a potential date, as you will just get to “know each other afterwards.” That is rediculous! Every little difference between you can cause much hardship once married — and marriage will be a lot of hard work no matter what. Of course, one should do whatever it takes to ensure that he/she really knows who he/she is marrying. At the same time, those of you who commented that they think the secular way of dating is better than the shidduch system needs a reality… Read more »

To 78
Guest
To 78

1- Obviously this therapist knows that he/she is dealing with unhappy couples…that is quite plain. 2- People don’t divorce because they “could’ve done better”. That is a terrible thing to say. (maybe that is what is said after the fact) Secular people are not a vain, fantasy driven people who throw their marriages away “like a tissue” (#) Of course believe that the high divorce rate is partially due to lack of work on spouses parts…but to generalize like that…is quite inappropriate and degrading. I’ve had to deal with it way too many times…not frum women coming to me FURIOUS… Read more »

there islove
Guest
there islove

im frum,got married young after 5 dates and b”H love my husband very much! idont think its rare

"back in Europe"
Guest
"back in Europe"

I think the author makes a point about being flexible. However, it seems like the shidduch system is trying to approximate the good old days of Eastern Europe. Here is the difference, most of the time, everyone knew everyone else in the shtetl and you had a pretty good idea of the type of person you were marrying. Additionally, you could also meet someone on your own but your parents would know them. Also, not that many people were rich and were living under difficult conditions, so there were not as many high demands as today. And according to my… Read more »

is it really that great?
Guest
is it really that great?

If you were born into a frum family then the shidduch system can work great for you. So far not working out so well for me…

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