Sunday, 7 Heshvan, 5781
  |  October 25, 2020


My Teenage Friends Are Drowning

From the COLlive inbox: A Lubavitch teenager exposes a troubling reality that teachers and even parents aren't aware of. Full Story

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Agree with you #194
October 7, 2018 3:41 am

I have an iPhone for work. And it’s Filtered from movies and social media . I see the way all girls my age are addicted to their Instagram… and I’m so happy that I’m not part of it !

July 17, 2018 9:23 pm

this is crazy im a bochur in zal and didnt even know this kind of thing hapened in Lubavitch!! CRAZY!

May 18, 2018 5:27 pm

filters are extremely easy to get by just take your phone to the nearest store and no more filter. the main problem facing buchrim is bad hanhala and mashpiiim.

May 15, 2018 8:28 pm

To number 16: You are completely incorrect. The Rebbe said that Tznius starts age 3. Yes 3 years old from head to toe. Which includes yichud according to all poskim etc… Ideally boys and girls should be in separate schools from age 3 as well. From this tender age and onwards the halachos of Tznius must be taught to them and the concept explained. The parents obviously have to be a living role model too and only this way will the separation of the genders will be understood by them and there will be a very strong fighting chance for… Read more »

teenagers will do what they want to do.
May 15, 2018 1:30 pm

If a teenager wants to hang out with a boy or text him over the phone they WILL FIND A WAY. Even if you give them a filtered phone it is as easy as 123 to get a boys number and text them. You can try to stop them by ridiculing them in a scary way but the situation will usually only get worse.

agree 100 percent with #191
May 15, 2018 12:11 am

#191 spot on! great idea kid!

I’m happy to volunteer to be part of organizing

Teens please read The Magic Touch by Gila Manolson, it may help

Movies, Novels, and Music
May 14, 2018 10:15 pm

No one mentioned this, but the source is the goyish movies, novels, and music that became accepted in Chabad. I’m a girl in Shidduchim, have an iPhone, use it only for Kedusha and Kosher things, and although I’m attracted to boys like normal girls I’ve never done anything crazy because I don’t get involved in goyish culture so it never even crossed my mind to do anything like that c”v. That’s for the secular world, not for us. Solution: 1) Stop the movies, music, etc. None of the Chareidi world does what Chabad do. We can’t have teens see this… Read more »

May 14, 2018 6:47 pm

This is true. Because we don’t want to disappoint you- because our thoughts and behaviours are shunned- we look for sanctuary. Furht a yidele. Please find a way to show us we’re not bad for existential questions- Hashem obviously knew what He was doing when He created us to be like this- but that we are strong enough to make the right decisions. Dont try to fix us, understans us, be that sanctuary for us.
Obviously we’re not simply risk-seeking. There’s an underlying issue, and we don’t see any other way out.

May 14, 2018 4:23 pm

I have seen this issue firsthand every day. All of my classmates have access to some kind of electronic device eg: a computer, a tablet, a phone and look at practically whatever they want. They talk about the things they see and watch and the girls who are less exposed to these things obviously have nothing to contribute so they feel left out.

May 14, 2018 12:33 pm

We need a Cteen chapter in crown heights, not aliyah, a frum separate program that do stuff with teens every week, fun programs, not farbrengens.

May 14, 2018 8:00 am

To number 16: You are completely incorrect. The Rebbe said that Tznius starts age 3. Yes 3 years old from head to toe. Which includes yichud according to all poskim etc… Ideally boys and girls should be in separate schools from age 3 as well. From this tender age and onwards the halachos of Tznius must be taught to them and the concept explained. The parents obviously have to be a living role model too and only this way will the separation of the genders will be understood by them and there will be a very strong fighting chance for… Read more »

Talk to your teens about your experience
May 13, 2018 7:24 pm

At some stage we all decided to be frum, yes even ffb’s. The shmutz these days is so shmutzik it’s not very difficult to help them see the beauty/simplicity of yiddishkite. Just talk to them honestly not preaching, non of us are sin free. Tell them about your experiences

Great book
May 13, 2018 5:46 am

There is a good book ; The Magic Touch . Its a small book but very good on the wonderful mitzva of shomer nogea by Gila Manolson .Also the book Head to Heart by Gila Manolson great books to read before dating

Practical Solutions
May 13, 2018 1:25 am

Here is a wonderful site that offers solutions: https://guardyoureyes.com/ They also have a daily WhatsApp +972 53-247-0392 Most often it’s yeshivishe Rov’s. I’ve seen Rabbi Jacobson and a video from the Rebbe. Their website lists the following “Additional Resources:” Wives of Strugglers Women That Struggle Teenage Strugglers Resources to help others Also, I get the daily Maor WhatsApp: 718-687-8900 And daily JEM WhatsApp: 718-774-6000 And daily I Can Bring Moshiach WhatsApp: 718-813-4850 And Daily Bitachon WhatsApp: 347-546-4402 And [not daily] Call to Action WhatsApp: 347-699-2770 Here are two wonderful books I own and recommend for every person. (Single, married, male,… Read more »

May 13, 2018 1:09 am

My parents banned Instagram for me so now I’m sneaking it, honestly it’s not that hard. ITS 2018!!! My parents tried super hard to give me a chassidish upbringing but hey teenagers are human too! We have desires! Let’s face this problem head on instead of ignoring it! If you guys ban it we will still get it but if you talk to us and show us you care, there will be much better results.

Reply to  Teen
August 6, 2019 2:41 am

the fact thats its 2018 doesnt change the fact that me must still listen to our moral compass and guider, the Torah

May 13, 2018 12:42 am

I’m not saying this as fact I’m saying it from what I see I’m in 10th grade mesivta and most of my friends were in all boy schools their entire life but probably a good fifteen weren’t. About half my grade has this problem of Instagram snapchat and girls (I put myself in that half) but all fifteen of those kids that went to mixed schools are now chassidishe bochurim who don’t have Instagram snapchat or talk to girls. TO THE TEENS OUT THERE GO SPEAK TO A MASHPIA FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP YOU JUST BECAUSE YOUR SCHOOL DOESNT… Read more »

Parents, please love your kids/teens
May 13, 2018 12:14 am

Wow, so many comments, so many different opinions. I do think that there real problem is that teenagers need their parents as some of the comments above said. The teenagers wouldn’t feel a void if they had loving and caring parents who they could turn too. Parents in turn need to remember that mitzva pru & urvu is not only about having kids but also about raising them. Our kids need us, they need our love, our presence, our time and willingness to love them no matter what. If there is a void in kids’ or teenagers’ lives, they’d look… Read more »

Crazy Pressure
May 12, 2018 4:28 pm

Ok, we’re adults living in Jerusalem. In my Kollel they regularly (voluntarily) smash, burn and break smartphones. On Purim one was dipped in Arak, set on fire and then smashed. On Lag Baomer, one was thrown into the fire. On the other hand – my wife is the only Torah teacher in her Chabad schools without a smartphone and is constantly made fun of and mocked for being primitive. We adults need to set an example. It can’t be ok for the Rosh Yeshiva or Shaliach but not ok for a bachor. Maybe our shluchim need to set a better… Read more »

Kosher social media!!!
May 11, 2018 3:09 pm

Why doesn’t someone just create a kosher social media platform which has all the benefits of the goyish sites but this one is kosher and monitored by parental profiles which enable parents to see what their children are doing and make sure they are keeping it kosher. I have already thought of some fun creative names!!! Like yidstagram, or kosher social (it sounds better when you say it out loud) or even Snapchat chassidish edition.

Great article
May 11, 2018 2:11 pm

Getting filters and rid of social media won’t help. IM girl in 12th grade and I have social media and no filter, but I don’t talk to boys at all. If they want to do it they will find a way to do it.

To 160
May 11, 2018 6:50 am

As if in other communities don’t have this issue? Stop being so oblivious sweetie. At least here it takes a while till something actually happens. Most other places once you even have a smartphone your not frum anymore and one two three out My second point is the only reason I watch movies or go on social media is because I’m bored and don’t have anything to do. Any other option costs money which I’m not interested in. If schools would have clubs or teams or other programs (and I’m morning including a ‘farbrengen’ with a speaker. Is that even… Read more »

#135 and my two cents
May 10, 2018 11:30 pm

#135 your hilarious! I had a good laugh

my two cents:
1) EDUCATION, have a special class both in Yeshivas and in Beis Rivkah, Bnos Menachem etc, and teach the girls and boys what intimacy can lead to, what kedusha is, explain WHY we keep the sexes separated till maariage, EXPLAIN, TAKE QUESTIONS, don’t just preach, make it interactive, kids are smart and if they UNDERSTAND they’ll have more power to refrain.

2) Make reading ‘THE MAGIC TOUCH’, mandatory reading in all the schools,. Its excellent, all my teens have read it. Good luck

May 10, 2018 11:08 pm

excellent shiur
very clear and straightforward
shud be watched in schools

a teen
May 10, 2018 10:27 pm

I really enjoyed reading this article and the comments that followed. I agreed with some points but not all. I didn’t really notice anyone offer a realistic idea to solve or help this. maybe a worldwide program can do a little something?

To all the parents responding
May 10, 2018 10:13 pm

You are not teenagers now you are adults who didn’t have the internet as young teens, therefore how can you possibly relate or claim to know the root of the problem? All of these solutions are very unrealistic I know this being a teen myself. Change places with your child for one day alone and then come back to me and tell me to my face that we the teens are the problem. After all who is raising us? Not our teachers so please stop blaming them while it is true that they could at least try to deal with… Read more »

to #16 #57. and #87
May 10, 2018 9:29 pm

I’m a twelfth grader in california. (Also pretty chassidish and fun though maybe not typical.) Based off my understanding of many of the 200 or so odd (many being more than just odd) comments, it seems that the main problem is in crown heights. (I don’t know much about austrailia). To the best of my (broad but limited) knowledge, the discussed issue is not prevalent in L.A. although california in general is known to be more shmutzik (hence the nickname “klipa-fornia”) within the lubavitch community itself (and perhaps the general jewish community also, I wouldn’t know) there aren’t any serious… Read more »

Being married do not solve the problem!!
May 10, 2018 8:48 pm

What’s even more scary, sad and frightening is when married spouses have cyber friends. May Hashem have mercy on all if us! Please!!! We need Moshiach Now.

To 17- No One to Talk To
May 10, 2018 3:32 pm

Part of the reason that no one talks about it is bc there is a serious gayva problem among many school administrators that don’t want to acknowledge that these issues even exist, because if chas v’shalom they exist then we are not as perfect as they like to pretend we are. Instead of dealing with what’s really going on, they stick their heads in the sand and deal with anything but the real issues! I guess it “isn’t chassidush” to have boy problems so they think they could ignore it away. Why do they wait to have “the talk” till… Read more »

To 167
May 10, 2018 11:27 am

I think we should mainly copy satmir in what age we get married as i dont think getting rid internet will solve anything it will just lead to more face to face discussions

I wonder if anyone reading the comments sees the root issue
May 10, 2018 10:22 am

I have been following the comments of this article from the day it was published. In fact I have been following many of the articles that are receiving the highest comments. After scrolling through almost all of the 166 prior comments, I wonder if anyone in a position to make change is seeing what I am. The teens are saying over and over again, we have these urges, these feelings and we don’t know what to do with them and not only that we have NO ONE TO TALK TO. A few teens even mentioned feeling unloved by their parents.… Read more »

Flip phones only
May 10, 2018 10:21 am

Great article!!!! Good on you for coming out with our problems. I am a Mom of 6. Three married children and 3 single. NONE of my single children had phones. There is absolutely no reason for Yeshiva students to have phones. If you feel that they are in need of a phone, it should only be a flip phone. When my kids come home I do allow them t0 use my Iphone if necessary, with my discretion. I believe in the middle way. No iphones but yes to using my phone with my discretion. Bh, my kids are giving me… Read more »

To 165
May 10, 2018 10:12 am

I don’t know what city you’re from in australia, but I’m an Australian, chabad, teenage girl and I can confirm 100% that there are frum girls, daughters of shluchim or rabbis, who come from choshuve families that are so very peer pressured and are doing all sorts of things. And their parents have no clue. It definately doesn’t help that there is not a single chabad, chassidish high school for girls in Australia. Except for Beis Chana in Melbourne, which only just started and is not yet fully established, but kol hakavod to them! So yes, I completely agree with… Read more »

Fellow Teenage girl 💗💗
May 10, 2018 9:59 am

Firstly, I cannot express how much this letter rings true. Secondly, for all those saying we should filter our phones and everything will be good, how are you commenting on COL if you ‘can’t have internet access’?? The internet has become a necessary part of our lives. And I know many shluchim and shluchos who have social media accounts which they use to promote their shlichus. Which is a great thing. So I personally feel, (I can only speak for myself) that if it’s good enough for them why is it not good enough for me? But obviously I know… Read more »

The best solution
May 10, 2018 9:10 am

Chabad should learn from satmir people and communities like that, and how they deal with this topic. No phones, no computers, no iPads, no tablets, just not internet access. DONE PERIOD!!!

Be realistic
May 10, 2018 8:02 am

Well having stricter rules, tziniut drives, banning internet (except with filters) etc is not going to help very much, if it did/does at all. Teenagers have to live their own lives, and parents cannot live it for them. Biology (nature) dictates that boys and girls want to mingle as they reach adolescence, (and they will find a way somehow, illicit or not) when they are at their most fertile and attractive. There have to be outlets.

To the hypocritical author of #86
May 10, 2018 4:05 am

Firstly, Mazal tov on your upcoming wedding. Whilst I hope you enjoy married life, I think that before you tie the knot you have some vital lessons to learn.
Number 1: Don’t target Australians, other countries get way worse!!! and Crown Heights is a whole new story.

To preach anti-discrimination in a comment, whilst simultaneously targetting Australians is ignorant and naive, and demonstrates a lack of awareness of what is occuring in your own backyard. So, please next time you stereotype and categorise teenagers from an entire country, come down under and pay us a visit.

Proud Frum Chabad Australian

The solution is quite obvious..
May 10, 2018 3:23 am

Marry them off at 16 years of age. How to support them and the children? I have no idea.

I understand
May 10, 2018 3:04 am

It’s a trouble teenagers face everyday. I myself as a teenager don’t even know how to deal with friends who are struggling in this area. But one thing for sure is that social media plays a big role in it.

i am a teenager
May 10, 2018 1:58 am

i do not have low self esteem
i am very chassidish
and i have that much of a yetzer hara as well
there is not one chabad girl i know who is not exposed to innapropriate material, boys, and other things you would be embarrassed to be caught doing if the Rebbe walked in your room.
the answer is to learn tanya and learn iskafya.
also i’ve heard bachurim who took it upon themselves to never be alone with the internet. Brilliant hachalta but very hard.

To 145
May 10, 2018 1:14 am

What you said is true and good chinuch for parents to do but even better is if they give them the phone but put on filters and take off instagram…to show them that chinuch is better because if they don’t give them the phone at all then they don’t understand the real chinuch.but if they don’t give the phone at all then awesome

Let’s work together
May 9, 2018 10:54 pm

We in Chabad need to become part of chareidi society, since most other Kehillos struggle in some ways, we should look into other communities and take for a change their advice, as for # 16. I’m just wondering is this what’s becoming from Chabad modern Orthodox Jews and if so are we really thinking we won the battle against the misnagdim , just look at their yeshivos and schools how Yiddishkeit blossoms bliayinhara , time to rethink our destiny

May 9, 2018 10:52 pm

To those commenting about mashpiim… I had a great mashpia in OT mesivta, he was so approachable and you could discuss any topic with him and totally trust him. Just saying there are some good ones out there

Expanding on a point that was mentioned only a few times
May 9, 2018 10:02 pm

Many comments have been offered and there was one that was mentioned only briefly. But in the opinion of this writer it is the most relevant to help this situation. I would suggest some form of psycho-education about the topic of intimacy, using only Torah sources, should be promoted. This should be initiated in high school, either in private small groups with a trained facilitator or in the Yeshiva system itself. The adolescents’ lack of knowledge about their own bodies, feelings, and thoughts allows the issue of intimacy to be abused and missused

We should have done this way before
May 9, 2018 9:00 pm

As a parent I have seen kids fall down this slope before. And i ask all you as a bakosha nafshis not to make the same mistake that those who came b4 us. We should have listened, and now it’s to late. If only we had the robbe ro tell us what to do

May 9, 2018 8:56 pm

There’s an article now on COL about the Zohar institution in pittsburg, how the girls going there are free to ask questions and get answers and are made to understand how their artistic and other talents are important for themselves and Jusaism. Although everyone agrees shlichus and teaching are important and noble, when everything else is called second class , it gives the kids a negative outlook on life. Everyone needs to feel valuable as part of our Lubavitch system and we as adults need to encourage that and make sure that children’s questions are answered. This will solve many… Read more »

No comment- comment
May 9, 2018 8:55 pm

Take it or leave it, but, I know all too much about this problem which (i disagree with the author of this) is not a new one. However today because of the phones and all that bla bla… It has reached a level that is literally frightening, And at times to me seems beyond repair. -How do you lovingly explain to someone that what they are doing is… If what they are doing prevents them from even hearing you in the first place?! – My fault that I know so much about this because I didn’t gain all the knowledge… Read more »

As a teen formally in this situation
May 9, 2018 8:43 pm

I’m sure this article won’t help. I’ve been there, ok. The problem isn’t the smartphones, you can find ways without one. The problem is that the hanhalah of yeshivos won’t sit down and talk to the bochrim, they’ll just make a crackdown on smartphones and kick out the boys they catch, and then they’ll be on the streets and hanging out with girls all day (not just texting anymore). So if you wanna “save” your kids there should be a comepletely different mindset on the whole chinuch system. (I am speaking only on behalf of boys school’s) And For those… Read more »

Maybe it's good
May 9, 2018 8:39 pm

Maybe this will help end the shidduch crisis

May 9, 2018 8:35 pm

Stop blaming it on the boys it’s their problem that the parents can’t educate the girls

A concerned bochur
May 9, 2018 8:23 pm

if you make the gashmius in yeshivos better then bochurim will have more enjoyment in judaism as oppose to seeing everything chassidish being only about bad food, bad dorms, and being in the same building all day the whole week and them wont in looking for other things to do with their lives like talking to girls and other shmutz

To #148
May 9, 2018 8:09 pm

I agree with you all the way. I really feel like I can relate. Unfortunately, the teachers in my school ( majority of them) come to school to teach. Not to listen to their students’ input. Not to notice the students who are having a hard time emotionally etc. People need to be more caring. More attentive to others needs. I am hurting. A lot. Due to life experience. My teachers don’t look out for me. I don’t think they even notice how I’m actually feeling. My parents are also oblivious. Of course, they’re on their phones! We need more… Read more »

Appalled at the blindness
May 9, 2018 8:08 pm

Some of you are suggesting allowing the genders to grow up together? Are you for real when you say this will lessen the problem? Do you not see what is going on in the rest of the world where they grow up together? ‘studies show there are less issues’? Studies?? Can you take one look into any public school and one look at the outside to tell me they have healthier relationships and marriages?!? Come on!!! A person who follows halachic guidelines is paving the wat for the healthiest relationships. Anyone fooling around is destroying their own emotional abilities for… Read more »

May 9, 2018 7:25 pm

Just care about teens well beings, how we are and listen!
in a world so instant no one listens to their kids, or teachers too.

teens don’t want u to care about the phones in their hands, but the heart they hold.
I am a teen, If my teachers cared or listened it wouldn’t be the same battle and no one would feel so alone

A man convinced against his will,is of the same opinion still
May 9, 2018 7:01 pm

Make ppl realize that going overboard with just a bit of a chat is only harming HIMSELF

to #86
May 9, 2018 6:53 pm

would everyone just stop labeling the australians!!?? that’s called stereotyping. just stop, what u think a bunch of them do is what a bunch of americans do too.

A completely overlooked point
May 9, 2018 6:40 pm

Very well written, you are very brave. Just wanted to point out something you wrote towards the end of the article, “I am writing so that rebbeim, principals, teachers, parents and mashpiim take action”. One thing most people don’t understand is that most yeshiva staff members are completely aware of the present situation, thre is just nothing to be done now because of the fact that parents are giving unfiltered devices with the permission to use them how they want, including allowing social media,. At the end of the day they are the root of the problem and until parents… Read more »

The BEST shiur video on girls/boys
May 9, 2018 6:15 pm

Recommended viewing for all frum teenage girls


May 9, 2018 6:04 pm

no! the problem is not phones, filters, or instagram and snapchat. banning something and telling teens that they cant even have phones wont do anything. the teens will just rebel. you cant make the rules so overpowering or the problems will just get worse. what we need is some good lubavitch schools. we need some good teachers who explain to kids what are the problems with talking to boys. teens need to learn and understand why its wrong and what it can lead to. then when kids UNDERSTAND what is wrong they will not do it even if they have… Read more »

May 9, 2018 5:39 pm

I’m so happy with the feedback that is coming from this article. I realize that there is room for clarification as the article was edited and some points were taken out. Also I would like to clarify that these are deep physical relationships that are going on. It is completely
against Halacha, and definitely against our Lubavitch Hashkafos. This article was meant to create awareness and not to lose hope. There are definitely some great educators that can help with these issues.

Great song for teenage girls on this topic.
May 9, 2018 5:35 pm
A teenager ( yeshiva boy)
May 9, 2018 5:17 pm

To all parents , teachers , and mashpiam By taking away phones or taking away anything wont change the kid in ye end of the day those are all just possessions. My parents bh let me choose my way but what always telling the truth no matter how much it hurt them but what I decide to be Jewish and I’m proud of it u have to give the kids there feeling in there way

to #16
May 9, 2018 4:54 pm

non-Jewish kids from both genders are interacting from a young age. and many times it doesn’t end well.
and also, they don’t see why its wrong to have a relationship with a boy/girl.
As a shlucha, I have separate classes for girls and boys once they are 11 and parents very much appreciate it.

It's about time someone speaks up
May 9, 2018 4:44 pm

I’m a teenage girl and I completely agree with this. The problem is Instagram if it were to be banned-which is probably impossible then everything would be different.

May 9, 2018 4:36 pm

Most teens are just experimenting and feel more of an urge to do things that are not allowed and pushed away from them!

To 16 and friends
May 9, 2018 4:19 pm

Its against halacha as mentioned before and you’re idiots for keeping up with this stupidity even after you were told that you are wrong.
A solution which is known to work to prevent children from falling prey to peer pressure is by raising them “a tefach hecher”

Struggling Teen
May 9, 2018 3:34 pm

The issue is the boys. They just can’t get enough. Lock them up. Filters. Curfews. Trackers. Go full KGB on them.

#100 sounds a lot like the story I was involved in...
May 9, 2018 3:30 pm

My parents also found out and they flipped!! I also went home. I only truly came to regretting talking to her when everyone I know (and many I didn’t know) found out and harassed me. I definantly agree everything works out well at the end, I most certainly have come a long way. I don’t message random girls anymore… lechaim!

To #99: "Psychologist in the clouds" - open any newspaper
May 9, 2018 2:56 pm

#99 you write: “To be quite frank, I’m not sure if you’re just a troll, or know absolutely nothing about psychology. I’m a psychologist, and have studied this matter in depth. Every single study ever done shows that when boys and girls are together from a very young age, it leads to less problems with mingling as they get older, due to it not being as exciting. To say that I’m wrong is not only to contradict logic, it’s to contradict all social science out there and every study done ever.” Are you really oblivious and “know absolutely nothing” about… Read more »

As a teenager
May 9, 2018 2:41 pm

I strongly believe in what the author said- this does come from a void. As many have written in the comments, many teenagers have a lack of self esteem, and are lacking love from their parents. Parents read that line 8 times if you need to. Please take it to heart. Teenagers try to find ways to fill that void. This a necessary step. No one should be walking around with a hurting heart. There are healthy ways to fill a void, and teenagers sometimes don’t see that. Maybe because it’s the harder way, maybe because it takes time- who… Read more »

A teenage boy and girl
May 9, 2018 2:27 pm

I just discussed this article with my brother, both of us go to
Schools in the community. There’s no way for this to be resolved because there’s no one for us to talk about it with, no one at home, they don’t talk about it in school, so I’m not so sure what is expected of us.

#16 destroy the village
May 9, 2018 2:11 pm

What you are advocating is called “destroying the village in order to save it”.

#99 and #112 cite the “studies” of “social scientists”. Don’t you understand that *all* the “social sciences” are corrupt and degenerate? They are the problem, so how can they provide a solution? Every single “social scientist” conducting these so-called “studies” operates from the assumption that good is evil and evil is good. טובתן של רשעים רעה הוא אצל צדיקים. The “benefits” they seek to give us are the very poison we’re trying to avoid.

Ahh the 90's
May 9, 2018 1:42 pm

AHH the AOL Chatrooms and MIRC. those were the days. It was so fun, and the noise it made when someone came on line and when someone left . AHH take me back to the 90’s

To those blaming the Mashpiim
May 9, 2018 1:22 pm

Imho the plenty of the Mashpiim have those same issues only on a diff level, so bochurim man up and go seek advice (probably the same is true for teens with their parents)

May 9, 2018 1:12 pm

alot of these problems start in the home and shalom bayis has an effect as well

So true.
May 9, 2018 12:19 pm

I have friends also in such situations. Thank you for writing this article.

It all starts somewhere
May 9, 2018 11:57 am

talking to boys/girls starts with unfiltered phones. the things you see online slowly desensitize you untill these things become normalized in your brain. same with tznius. ect

hanhala making the problem worse
May 9, 2018 11:14 am

It was appalling to hear that a parent wanted their child to only have a phone without internet and the hanhala told said parent “if they don’t have whatsapp, they’ll miss out on what goes on with the class”
there is something to living with the times and adapting to the teens, but to what degree???

Smartphone Supervision
May 9, 2018 11:09 am

What anout promoting internet and smartphone supervision instead of banning. A teenager owning their own smartphone without parental supervision is like giving an underage teenager a car without a driver’s license. Instead of so much talk of bans, our teens should be allowed to use the internet without owning it and with parental supervision.

Also, schools should promote encouraging self imposed supervision for the internet similar to the laws of yichud

The smartphone....
May 9, 2018 11:03 am

There are many comments about banning smartphones, etc. While I think a filter is a good thing to have in general, it doesn’t solve this specific issue of mingling, it isn’t about looking at inappropriate sites, it’s about talking to/hanging out with the opposite gender which can lead to much worse. I’m also familiar with the confession account the author is talking about and am also shocked. My school had a no smartphone policy and pupils either had 2 phones, one for school and one for out of school, or hid their phones in their bags (there were checks but… Read more »

Wow....some comments
May 9, 2018 10:53 am

Firstly we all need to realize this is wayyyyyy worse than ever…it’s not the same as when we were growing up Secondly, don’t point fingers, esp. not at a teacher that’s a loss- this is a huge issue and expecting her to solve it is ridiculous, nor at the rabbanim….everyone is accountable including first and foremost, the parents. Next- to all of u advocating more interaction among the genders, including the psychologist (lol) I hope you’re joking…the more interaction the more u fuel the flames ..one thing we can agree on is that Torah knows best that separating is healthier.… Read more »

It all starts with the chinuch at home
May 9, 2018 9:57 am

I’ve read through the many comments here, and what I fail to see is enough putting the responsibility for this on the parents. I say this as a parent of two teenage boys, who Baruch Hashem (with the Aibishter’s continued help) are NOT doing these things or exposed to these things at all (Baruch Hashem, B’ezras Hashem). Chinuch begins from day-one. By the time children are teenagers it is likely too late. It is the attitudes and messages the children are “nursed with” and fed from day-one that effect the later product. If a parent views Internet and smartphones as… Read more »

Sorry to break it to you
May 9, 2018 9:39 am

This is not anything new. Nothing to do with phones. When I first visited CH on a chaf beis shvat school trip, my class mates were dressed as tzniusly as we knew how to do from our day school upbringings. We were yelled at a lot on the streets by older ladies and made fun of by bais rivka girls. It was quite traumatic. Especially from being newly religious. This was back in the day when all the ch girls wore long maxi skirts and buttoned pastel blouses. Well to our surprise, most of the teens we saw lived a… Read more »

Start Early.
May 9, 2018 9:30 am

#67 Said it all!
Parents teach your children Yiras Shomayim!!!!!!
Kalas and Chasanim daven under the Chupa to have children whom will have Yiras Shomayim

Reality Check
May 9, 2018 9:01 am

THERE IS NOTHING TO DO TO STOP THIS. Trying to prevent this will have the opposite effect. The fact that we can’t talk to boys makes us wanna talk to them even more. So let us have some fun. YOU. ONLY. LIVE. ONCE.

Inner Self
May 9, 2018 9:01 am

I think we need to teach our children to connect to their inner self and inner voice to be able to value their true self.
Inner values will give our children the tools not to search for external validation. We need to reconnect and receive our need to be loved and cared from our Creator- Hashem Himself.
Even if we fall and did something wrong- the Torah view is ירידה לצורך עליה.
These are the messages and tools friends, parents and teachers need to send out to our boys and girls.
This is what the Ba’al Shel Tov taught us.

a real person
May 9, 2018 9:01 am

you guys all need to breathe and realize what your saying. the second yall take away insta or filter from there phones the child will rebel dont go telling me that you honestly think your child wont go out there and find it themselves. listen to what you old schoolers are saying

May 9, 2018 8:53 am

To everyone saying the teenagers will find it anyway so don’t bother with filters – PLEASE STOP NOW. My kids weren’t looking for it but since YOUR KIDS were given free access to a shiny new smartphone, it became the must-have thing in Chabad. At least a filter would show that YOU CARE!! Everyone over age 10 now “MUST” go on the chats, Instagram, Facebook. Your teenagers are on it 24/7 (yes, all night) and no, my kids WERE NOT LOOKING FOR IT but you had to follow the cool crowd and listen to your spoiled and pampered kid (yes,… Read more »

The issue that people are blind to is
May 9, 2018 8:48 am

The issue that people are blind to is addiction. This isnt an issue of frum or not frum or what a child is exposed to or not exposed to. There are people that were exposed to nothing and as soon as the filters or they were old enough to explore they did so. There are others that are exposed to many things from the outside world and dont get hooked… The real conversation that we need to have is that lust and s** is an addiction like alcohol, heroin and any other drug. The person can no longer differentiate from… Read more »

To #16
May 9, 2018 8:45 am

100% couldn’t have said it any better, I say this as shown by a study done by John Hopkins University shows that when boys and girls are together from a young age by the time they reach teen years they would have already been through all the ups and downs of relationships and be mature and have their one soul mate and they’ll be more responsible, however if you keep them separate they’ll end up together and at the teen age they’ll be wild and immature and it will be way worse then them meeting at a young age and… Read more »

Thank you
May 9, 2018 8:42 am

I’m most impressed that this article came with love to help!!!! Thank you!!!

Teenagers are kids
May 9, 2018 8:40 am

Don’t give teenagers their own phones, laptops, money and house keys and be there when they come home from school.

Why everyoine judging
May 9, 2018 8:36 am

Kids have a “yetzer” (it’s a good thing ultimately). Insta lets you connect much easier then before. You think it’s only kids? How many lubavitch housewives (and husbands) cheated on their partners using these new tools? More then you think.

So don’t judge the kids, the adults are doing the same thing. And no there’s nothing you can do about it. Just learn more chassidus to counteract it.

May 9, 2018 8:30 am

Your solution is totally contrary to halocho.how could that.be

A solutiln
The Rebbe insisted that starting from age 3 to have separate

Schools can do it!!
May 9, 2018 8:16 am

One of the biggest problems today is peer pressure. There are many parents who’ve tried to refrain giving their daughter a or son a smartphone , but couldn’t withstand the pressure, as their children’s friends are all possessing smartphones. The parents need the help of the schools. If all the schools would have a rule that they are strict in keeping that smartphones are absolutely not aloud, starting from the young grades, we would have a different community. My son attends a Yeshiva where cellphones are non permissible. NO one in that Yeshivah has one! He use to have one… Read more »

Also a teenager
May 9, 2018 8:00 am

Thinking what kind of a home you would like to have when you get married is extremely important and helpful in this regard. Not the whole solution, but a big part of it.

May 9, 2018 7:59 am

Sorry don’t think you should be a teacher if you really cared about your students you would go ask perfesionalls what to do. I give my teachers in my school credit who take the time to talk to us even if it’s stupid subject it shows they care that they don’t come rushing in to start learning tanya or sichas. So maybe just start with a smile when you walk into class and ask how’s your day going?

A teenager
May 9, 2018 7:54 am

Agree totally with #44. People should.also realize that many times the mingling starts by accident. It’s no big deal to make a fake account Ina different name and by the time u realize u we’re talking to someone from the opposite gender, you’re hooked.
And mechanchim, please be careful! Don’t make a farbrengen to address this issue and start talking all serious about the terrible.destruction etc. Will only push us all away. Be positive, realistic, relatable. And tell us why it’s wrong, but again, not in a condemning manner.

To 82
May 9, 2018 7:52 am

I used to beleive that past generations were holier until I realized it’s very easy to say and forget the past but it isn’t true. In Russia there were Jews sacrificing their lives to be frum but there were also Jews if not more that didn’t choose to risk their lives for the sake of being frum. Also past decades , the 60s to now let’s say, people were the same level just without as much technology maybe.

May 9, 2018 7:49 am

I dont think that people undersrand that the things that are happening are way beyond texting, instagram etc. Instagram may be a tool connects people more easily but that isnt the problem and If ypu tgought a filter would prevent you from messaging someone, think again. Teens can find a wat to do anything. Its hard to say but its gotten to deep PHYSICAL relationships and its more common than you think.

May 9, 2018 7:49 am

Sorry coming from a teenager I see all my friends that talk to boys. And I know there background and situation they actually do have low self esteem, feel like a boy will get what there going through emotionaly wise. They are also in pain something is hurting them so they turn to something that will make them feel better or numb there pain.

it will work out
May 9, 2018 7:41 am

i have a friend who went through a stage of talking with a boy
eventually her parents found out and she went home.
apparently they didnt yell at her and spok to her explaining why it was wrong.
now she doesnt talk to him anymore and doesnt even have his numberonce you explain to them in a mature calm way why its wrong, most teenagers will understand.
but you have to understand that its human nature and there is no reason to blow up

To #57 from #16
May 9, 2018 6:31 am

To be quite frank, I’m not sure if you’re just a troll, or know absolutely nothing about psychology. I’m a psychologist, and have studied this matter in depth. Every single study ever done shows that when boys and girls are together from a very young age, it leads to less problems with mingling as they get older, due to it not being as exciting. To say that I’m wrong is not only to contradict logic, it’s to contradict all social science out there and every study done ever.

Sincerely, K.H.

May 9, 2018 6:30 am

the rabbayim gave told us how to deal with this kuntress umayon mamar 14

Sadly, shmutz is so prevalent
May 9, 2018 6:25 am

3 of the top 10 websites, and 4 of the top 20 websites visited in the USA last month were adult sites. In Israel, 1 of the top 10, and 3 of the top 20 websites, were adult. This pandemic is destroying humanity, let alone BR high school girls.

To #69
May 9, 2018 6:24 am

Makes sense
But I like interacting with the opposite gender

May 9, 2018 6:20 am

THESE FIVE COMENTS (FROM ABOVE), I THOUGHT WERE EXCEPTIONALLY USEFUL AND PRACTICAL, THE LAST COMMENT IS MY OWN. MAY HASHEM HELP US TO BE MEKABEL MOSHIACH WITH STRENGTH. HOLINESS AND WITH ACHDUS AND SINCERITY. “How I stopped was through realizeing the infinite love of hashem and understanding what He represents and his teachings. This can only be done with unconditional love from those who are responsible for the bochurs religiousity and well-being”. “… give kids with energy a positive outlet so that they don’t go to other places for entertainment. even when gevura is needed give it with a double… Read more »

Well said
May 9, 2018 6:20 am

I like how you wrote this article very sincerely, no blaming, acknowledging the fact that you must work on yourself as well, no complaining. Many articles tend to become blaming/stating lubavitch issues/telling other people what the have to do.
Thank you for being mature in the way you wrote it and just for bringing it to everyone’s attention

3 Elements
May 9, 2018 5:51 am

There are three elements necessary to prevent this behavior:
1. Learning Halachah
2. Strengthening Values
3. Developing Self-Control
Teens, this behavior will come back to “bite” you when you will be in shidduchim! A good reputation is valuable, but a negative one is difficult to change. There are no secrets in the world of Chabad.

May 9, 2018 5:13 am

We need to have mixed schools so the boys and girls don’t feel desperate to hangout…this problem needs to be fixed immediately

To 16
May 9, 2018 5:13 am

That is 100% wrong. Firstly hashem knew what he was doing when he set up these rules. Secondly have you even been to mixed schools? What happens is way worse. And by that I mean the worst possible thing they can do. And while unfortunately teens in ch do that as well, it is much much much less. A filter won’t solve anything, just like cutting a weed won’t stop it from growing. Bh I don’t have these issues, even tho I am on instagram. Teens need to be taught how to overcome these challdnges. But parents, don’t blame only… Read more »

A lot of issues...
May 9, 2018 4:58 am

A ton of issues not being addressed in the community, in these topics and many more, (most make those mentioned in the artical pale in comparison) A piece of advice to the sincere young lady who wrote the artical: I completed the system recently with smicha, with that in mind I spent a lot of my yeshiva life messing around and so did my friends (to give you a rough idea think of anything bad/against halacha and if I didn’t do it I have a friend that I know did). The only way to deal with the issues is looking… Read more »

With all do respect
May 9, 2018 3:09 am

We gotta come to terms with what’s happening. Cut a loss and move on. We’re not as religious as we would have been had we made better decisions twenty five years ago, by now we’ve lost the plot.

To #52
May 9, 2018 3:02 am

It was not worse in our days
Maybe you just didn’t know what was going on when you were a teenager…….

May 9, 2018 2:25 am

Answer to #16
Any permissive attitude with this makes it many times worse!

Too all above comments
May 9, 2018 1:57 am

Number 1. Don’t target chabad, other groups get way worse!!! And Australians is a whole new story. 2. Kids will always get to where their goal is, if u try stopping them they will find loopholes. 3. Mechanchim and mashpiim don’t know jack that’s going on and they just are so egotistical and so are menahels. Won’t take a kid to their school cuz the kids isn’t a millionaire in torah? The kid means well. Try helping instead of throwing this life away. Lubavitch schools should take all kids if u don’t take em they will surely rebel. This is… Read more »

speaking from the inside...
May 9, 2018 1:57 am

as a bochur in yeshiva right now i can tell you all that this will definitely NOT be soved with filters/flip phones/random checks. if a teen wants something he can get it, no matter what a parent tries. the problem is that the ones who bochrim are supposed to talk to for such issues (mashpiim) are not trusted by the bochrim.

good luck to whoever thinks a solution can be imposed on us.

Parent in my 40s
May 9, 2018 1:33 am

Back when we were growing up, there were plenty of bochurim in my Oholei Torah class dating Lubavitch/Flatbush girls, looking at shmutz in magazines and videos, watching tons of videos in general, and so on. Others were alcoholics, and others on drugs. אין כל חדש תחת השמש.

smart phones
May 9, 2018 1:09 am

are means to get the support we are not providing. There are no more walls to hide behind.

Who would have believed
May 9, 2018 1:07 am

It’s mind boggling to think that 70 years ago, chasidim in Russia were giving up everything this world had to offer, including their own lives, for G-D. Fast forward 7 decades, and we’re giving up G-D for everything this world has to offer. How can one ponder this and hold back tears…..

Solution idea
May 9, 2018 1:02 am

It all sounds like at risk ” to put mildly . I have been to a workshop : Nurtured Heart Approach. Parents , Schools and therapists agreed.
It actually works ! Its the concept of tzimtzum: finding things to praise the person for what he is not doing wrong. We can try for our dear children …The information and training is available.

May 9, 2018 12:54 am

Rashi (Shmos 32, 31) clearly states that if you give your child excessive things and place them in an inappropriate place, you have effectively set them up to sin! In Rashi’s words: מה יעשה הבן שלא יחטא?! What should the child do that he shouldn’t sin?! Parents are blindly giving their children smartphones, then the Yetzer Hora takes over. As the Alter Rebbe writes in Tanya (beginning of ch. 30) עיניו רואות כל התאוות והעין רואה והלב חומד ויצרו בוער כתנור בוערה מאופה – his eyes see all the temptations; the eye sees and the heart desires, and his evil… Read more »

Very wrong #16
May 9, 2018 12:42 am

Clueless is more like it. Ask any BT who grew up with mixed classrooms. By 6th grade there is full-on dating.

:/ mixed feelings
May 9, 2018 12:33 am

during the rebbes farbrengens back in the day, the girls and boys were mingling too. Girls and boys will always be mingling. Schools do their best, they can’t control beyond school hours. Parents do their best too. Social media is definitely the easiest access to mingling. I know for a fact if it wasn’t for a instahram, snapchat, texting, half of the girls I know wouldn’t have made the mistakes they’ve made with guys. But listen, we go down only to grow higher. The avodah Zara in this generation is definitely the smart phones and filters are the answere. If… Read more »

To #4
May 9, 2018 12:30 am

The teacher who knows but doesn’t know what to do. I have one idea – DON’T GIVE YOUR OWN KID A SMART PHONE! Start there, then we can talk.

a must solution
May 9, 2018 12:28 am

our community MUST develop a healthy , focused on individual strengths and skills developing entertainment for teens, eg. sports, cooking/baking classes that will fill their void in a productive way and foster their self esteem.

Whats the problem and solution
May 9, 2018 12:21 am

The internet is not the problem and filters are not the solution. Physical and emotional attraction to opposite gender is not the problem, and zero interaction is not the solution. The world is full of options. How and what one chooses from the options is key. Internet is simply a huge repository and reflection of information and life. Attraction and connection to another human is a built in primal human drive. A healthy human thinks and considers before taking something to themselves as theirs. Parents and educators will do their job by teaching and showing HOW to think and act,… Read more »

A high school teacher
May 9, 2018 12:10 am

I have spoken openly about these topics with my students and I will continue to do so, and I Daven that Hashem put the right words in my mouth and that they reach the girls’ ears and hearts. I’m considering printing out this article and sharing it in my classes where the girls are clearly struggling with these issues. Thank you for your honesty in sharing the extent of the problem.

May 9, 2018 12:06 am

Notice how she wrote “to fill a void”? Now I personally might not see the problem with boys and girls talking… And she sadly is correct about the fact that the girls your daughters look up to are doing some of the worst things… Back to the void a question for parents or anyone who knows a child currently in the chabad school/yeshiva system. Are you wasting your money, but just don’t know what else to do? If so (it’s amazing how many parents have related too me that this is how they feel) you are putting that child into… Read more »

May 8, 2018 11:58 pm

A filter is not the ultimate solution, it’s the chinuch, a filter is just there to help, but you must start with the right chinuch.

to # 25
May 8, 2018 11:58 pm

thtas one thousand percent not true.
there are plenty of filters that actually work.

to 16#
May 8, 2018 11:57 pm

You should know, that while you are so are confident in your suggestions, we are actually frum jews who believe in Hashem and his torah,

Your Ideas are against Shulchon Oruch. See Even Hoezer Chapter 21.

A teenager
May 8, 2018 11:44 pm

The point of the article was not to promote the banning of phones or filters, it was to bring awareness to the heads of our community what is really going on. It isn’t just friendly text anymore it’s way worse. And it will continue to be this way with or without access to the internet. Girls and boys are really doing awful things that even i a teenager am uncomfortable mentioning. THE POINT OF THIS ARTICLE IS TO HELP US BE AWARE AND TRY AND FIND A POSITIVE AND PRODUCTIVE SOLUTION.

Flatbush yid
May 8, 2018 11:43 pm

The young people today need mentors. When I visit crown heights I notice many young women about 30 per cent not wearing proper modest clothes. The answer to all these problems is increase Torah study. Also very important is to marry everyone off young not wait till 23. 18 for boys and 17 for girls.

To #4
May 8, 2018 11:26 pm

WHY don’t you know what to do? Have you consulted with experts? I mean REAL professionals, not even Jewish, who deal with this sort of thing? Bring them in, sit down with ALL the other schools, psychiatrists, counselors etc & DO SOMETHING! You have Internet. Consult Rabbi/Dr Google and FIND OUT who can help. this is just another example of NMJ & NIMBY! I am sick of – and from – reading these cries for help that go ignored. How can you sit there & pontificate about tznius or chassidus knowing what’s going on? How can you see bochurim drinking… Read more »

Out of control
May 8, 2018 11:24 pm

When teens are holding a yetzer hara in their hands 24/7
There is no control .
Very different than previous generations …. keeps getting wors !

So true
May 8, 2018 11:21 pm

I am an older teenager who struggles with this day in and day out. There’s gotta be a solution to this issue. To those of you who say that the smartphones are the issue, you gotta be real. In this generation smartphones are people’s day to day life. It’s absolutely not the best thing but we have to face reality. We have to figure out how to control this situation with our times. I also feel like this starts with the parents completely. Parents need to make their children aware with what is going on with the world and how… Read more »

A concerned parent
May 8, 2018 11:21 pm

We all need advice as to what the do and how to best help our kids. If anyone knows of any place to get guidance, (even for pay) PLEASE post!! I am concerned about an excellent kid and don’t know where to turn! Tia.

To 91
May 8, 2018 11:17 pm

So true back then there were notes meetings in the park….

May 8, 2018 11:03 pm

As a parent of teenagers, I am sick over the amount of kids being handed smart phones on a silver platter by their parents. Shluchim, chassidishe frum parents handing over smart phones and wondering why we’re losing our sons and daughters. It’s not cool to be chassidishe on Instagram, that’s for sure. Facebook is all about exposing as much as you can and “friending” the opposite gender. Studies have shown that social media use correlates to depression and suicide, and the founders of Facebook and Google said their products are designed to be addictive drugs and change brain chemistry. Do… Read more »

to #4
May 8, 2018 11:01 pm

you should start talking to them about these issues and not hide behind shame of talking about such things.

To 16
May 8, 2018 10:57 pm

I am a girl in high school and agree 100%!! Because of the lack of interacting with opposite gender, children feel the need to interact, but if you want this problem to stop, there
Needs to be something to fill the void with.

May 8, 2018 10:55 pm

I personally have been through this stage of all all this messing around. There’s really not much to do about it. The ‘’kid’’ will just grow up and realize one day what is the purpose of what I am doing. Nowadays teenagers are just looking short term and don’t see how bad this can be in the long run when they are actually looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with. There’s really not much to do but you can try and sit your teenage kid down and show them the future and how what they are… Read more »

May 8, 2018 10:49 pm

I feel like there are bigger issues that should be discussed. At the end of the day talking to someone of the opposite gender is not the end of the world and won’t lead to “physicality”. If it does, it’s probably involving people that would be doing these things anyway. There’s already enough emphasis on not talking to boys/girls. And other than a distraction from learning, this is not the biggest of issues.

to number 16
May 8, 2018 10:45 pm

im sorry to tell you but you are ill informed. ive been dealing with no religious teenagers in public school for six years. they have access to girls every single day, and it hasn’t helped the situation. they are even more into the shmutz than your’e chilled out bachur. the root of the problem, is the lack of leadership and accountability in our community. with our rabbonnim in machloikes. people have started taking sides. the younger generation hears adults making fun of rabbonim and they think if adults don’t respect rabbonim why should we. it is time the rabbonim bury… Read more »

TO #36
May 8, 2018 10:37 pm

Girls and boys did do way worse than talk when there was no texting.

May 8, 2018 10:36 pm

Yes it’s not fair every school in crown heights should have a vaad ruchni making sure the curriculum teaches our children good hashkafo classes giving into our children yiras shomayim

A student of a lubavitch mesivta
May 8, 2018 10:32 pm

The suggestions that you’re all putting out are very good but I can tell u that it’s not working out and I see it on an day in and day out buissness. The things that gets people to stop watching shmutz and talking to girls or talking to boys is the complete understanding of hashem. Mashpiim need to start getting real and talking about these issues. Honestly I and most ppl in yeshiva today really only trust the shluchim but never hanhola. This needs to change. And helping it is the Advent of the realist generation, the guy’s who went… Read more »

To number 3
May 8, 2018 10:32 pm

What you this girl said is very true and in my opinion is the biggest chesaron in lubavitch that we bring so many people in have them become frum ti slowly watch their kids dwindle as the generations go. I think this does come from yeridos hadoros but also this we need to find a way instead of letting the whole mingle situation totally get out of hand. There must be a healthy approach whether its Instagram being condemned or it’s something else but at the rate we are going it’s just gonna get worse. Not only that but the… Read more »

To all of you saying it's not new....
May 8, 2018 10:28 pm

Please open your eyes and realize this is a whole new level!! This is NOT what went on in our days. This is wayyyyyy worse.
Wake up.

90’s girl
May 8, 2018 10:28 pm

No actually. Internet causes less human interaction. Back than boys and girls intermingled with probably more physical interaction. Just a joke but at the end of the day it’s all the same. The generation doesn’t go down it just changes.

Take action and shut up
May 8, 2018 10:28 pm

I love Jews and their little talks about how this and that is wrong. FOR ONCE IN UR LIFE STOP TALKING ABT IT AND DO SOMETHING

I agree 100% with #32
May 8, 2018 10:26 pm

Whom are we kidding? Teenagers are old enough to be taught by their teachers and rebbeim the halachos and lifestyle of a jewish marriage, since they learn about it anyway and can’t soeak about it to their teachers and mentlrs. In addition they should be taught the consequences to their actions and what can hapoen after reckless decision being made on the spur of the moment

Confessional account
May 8, 2018 10:24 pm

The account really helped me. I think there is a lot of good to be had by people who can give unbiased advice. The mashpiem that I have approached, always preached and talked down to me. I wish mashpiem were actually there to listen, like this account was for me.

Filters address only the symptoms
May 8, 2018 10:21 pm

While filters may effectively lessen the ability to interact through social media and the like that addresses the symptom not the underlying cause. Lamenting about today’s teenagers or writing them off as participants in “shmutz” is even less effective. This intermingling between boys and girls while perhaps biologically explainable is certainly not in accord with our value system and often is violative of halachic standards Perhaps this should be addressed as part of school curricula as it relates to tznius and hashkofo and reinforced by parents. If we all emphasize these issues both at home and at school ina consistent… Read more »

Not that dramatic
May 8, 2018 10:18 pm

Boys and girls talking isn’t a self esteem issue, it’s just being a normal human and it happens to not be allowed if you’re frum and it’s also usually not out control. Maybe for a few but a lot of boys and girls are just flirting, it’s really not a huge deal. Maybe being extremely frum isn’t for everyone and there are different ways (and not levels btw) (because who really knows what the best way is ) of serving g-d is regardless of how you raise Your kids to be.

To 16
May 8, 2018 10:07 pm

You’re totally wrong, besides the fact that it would be against halacha, just look at the non-jewish/ non from world and even some parts of the modern orthodox world, and see how they’re doing, not too good,
But yes, the problem has to be dealt with at it’s core, the right one and the right way

Am I the only one?
May 8, 2018 10:06 pm

Am I the only one looking at it from a different perspective? If our kids (I’m a mother of four teenagers plus that have gone thru the system) had healthy outlets and things to do to develop their talents in a significant way they wouldn’t need all this. There’s a vacuum here that CAN be filled with what teens are passionate about. It could be photography, video editing, hobbies such as music, learning an instrument, baking new and fancy confections, sport yes sports!, fashion, graphic design, dance classes, aerobics, etc. If kids had an outlet for their energy and an… Read more »

To #33
May 8, 2018 10:06 pm

Maybe you are correct, but I don’t think the teachers know the severity of the issues. There’s a lot that are under wraps. And a lot of teachers aren’t helping..

Another teen
May 8, 2018 10:04 pm

The issue is that WE (the troubled teens) have to realize this exposure is the problem , otherwise we will find a way around the filters. And BOYS aren’t the only problem. We have to realize it’s the things we listen to and the things we watch too

A great point
May 8, 2018 10:03 pm

I think an important point that was mentioned was about that it isn’t the ones who are rebellious or “off the derech”. But the teens who are officially the good kids and the role models.

For real
May 8, 2018 9:58 pm

Gd gave man the challenge of tavos nushim and trying to fight it as much as possible is deying the existence of gd you have to train your children to use it in the right way not CV in the wrong way

Another teen
May 8, 2018 9:57 pm

I don’t understand the purpose of this article, in my opinion it is only giving this account free publicity and making more teens aware that such an account exists

Even with filters
May 8, 2018 9:56 pm

Filters dont stop people from texting, meeting up, touching etc. Its a bigger issue that has to come from within them to withstand pressure and outside influences.

If you can't beat em join em and help them
May 8, 2018 9:51 pm

1st off about Instagram and Snapchat Instagram allows to be logged in on more then one device so to all these worried parents you can monitor your child’s account and 2nd you can ask to see you child’s Snapchat 2 3 times a week last off stop trying to fight it if your child really wanted to have those thing they will find a way to get those social media platforms also PARENTS please don’t pretend that when you where a teenager you didn’t talk to girls/boys

To #16
May 8, 2018 9:47 pm

I wish it was just talking like they used to. Teenagers nowadays are doing way worse…

Flip phone
May 8, 2018 9:44 pm

I have always had a flip phone and every day i find another reason to NEVER change

The truth
May 8, 2018 9:42 pm

Girls and boys are supposed to be attracted to each other. That is normal.

What is unhealthy is girls looking to boys for emotional support.
What is horribly wrong is that boys ( and men) are looking at internet shmutz. ( sorry, no other way to put it.)
Admit it men…..

As nerdy as filters sound, they actually help you. Think it over. If you have a better idea share it.

But the truth is – this is the tip of the iceberg and you all know it.

Very Important Article - something we should all be aware of
May 8, 2018 9:38 pm

The teachers know… The teachers want to do something and a lot of them try to do something and give up a lot of time and energy to help their students.
I just think there is a certain outlook that a lot of the teenagers have on their teachers that makes them not accepting of what their teachers do for them. And this is something that only the girls/boys can change because the teachers can do as much as they want but its up to the students to accept it and do something about it

A twisted problem
May 8, 2018 9:37 pm

The issue is that the teenagers are going to be doing these things anyway. Having an outlet to speak on their own behalf and get advice on how to conduct themselves in a way that will not completely mess them up is something that is needed. The fact that an Instagram account is helping teens that should be getting assistance from teachers and mashpeim is unacceptable. These people feel like they have nowhere to turn to. So they turn to the people who relate to them and care about them more than their own rebbeim. The internet is their only… Read more »

I Agree
May 8, 2018 9:36 pm

Thank you for speaking up about this.
It takes courage, yet it is extremely important.

May 8, 2018 9:33 pm

There are kids I personally know in a Mesivtah in crown hights, that have smartphone’s and have absolutely no filter whatsoever, Snapchat, Instagram, twitter, Facebook etc. And the parents just stand there knowing that there tiiere children can do whatever they want whenever they want.


I Agree
May 8, 2018 9:32 pm

What you are saying is true, however, it is easier said than done. Also, you have to keep in mind the countless people who are helping those who need it. But I definitely agree. You touched upon a strong point which NEEDS to be talked about.
Thnak You for being brave.

May 8, 2018 9:31 pm

As you say people need to be helped, and you’ve pointed out the failings of the system, so maybe this anonymous account is doing it, maybe not perfectly…

May 8, 2018 9:31 pm

Yeh it’s almost impossible to change because all these kids are being pressured by their parents to be tall religious and stuff and then they go off the dercech or the school is pressurizing them too much we need to give the child a certain amount of space but not too much

May 8, 2018 9:30 pm

To all those that are instinctively reacting with “we need filters” and “ban smartphones” comments, while your intentions are pure, you’re just pushing off the inevitable. There is exposure everywhere. What’s needed is the realization that today there are no walls we can hide behind of, and it’s time we gave our teens the real deal; a mature and developed understanding of Yiddishkeit empowered by a passionate relationship with Hashem. And perhaps most importantly, open and honest discussions, while creating an environment that embraces it. Instead of falling into despair over the situation, let’s view this stage as a major… Read more »

Reply to number 6
May 8, 2018 9:29 pm

Unfortunately filters don’t work anymore. If a teenager wants to do something they will find a way. In addition, it’s not only phones that’s an issue anymore I’m afraid. Very extreme actions of physical contact and eye to eye conversations are an issue.

@10: Practically
May 8, 2018 9:29 pm

Smartphones are definitely the first step to falling. But is filtering a phone or even using a flip phone a definite cure for this ailment? Won’t teenagers find another way to speak to the guys/girls they are looking for?

I can't believe it
May 8, 2018 9:28 pm

That there are buchrim at such young ages with smart phones it should not be tolerated specially bye oheli Torah the rebas yesivah

To #12 I totally agree!!!!
May 8, 2018 9:26 pm

I’m a worried parent of a uly mesivtah bochur who has told me about the the disgusting and sickening thing they do in there free time! I’m totally shocked at what lubavitch has come to!

May 8, 2018 9:25 pm

It absolutely is a disgrace.
But even more so, it’s a disgrace that we still haven’t figured out what to do about it.

Boys are not the problem
May 8, 2018 9:24 pm

To think the mingling is the problem is sad.
There’s clearly an issue with self asteem and it starts at home. Where is these girls confidence or lack there of stemming from? Also banning boys doesnt help.

May 8, 2018 9:23 pm

Speaking of filters the parents of these “troubled” teens should set a example for them like getting a filter on their own phone first

Off Instagram!!!
May 8, 2018 9:20 pm

Twitter is the way to go!!! Follow @comfortablysmug

This is a symptom
May 8, 2018 9:17 pm

Not a cause. Also this is not new.

We must look at the root of the problem
May 8, 2018 9:16 pm

I agree with everything written in this article, and it’s true that this is a tremendous problem. But we must get to the root of it. It’s not technology, you think girls didn’t talk to boys in crown heights in the 90’s??? No, it’s our system of keeping the genders separated so much, to a point that a 15 year old boy will have never even spoken to a girl, at that point the desire is so strong and it all bubbles over. But if you were to keep boys and girls together from a very young age, when they… Read more »

May 8, 2018 9:15 pm

I am a teenage boy and I know and it’s true

May 8, 2018 9:13 pm

As a teenager in a very similar situation the letter writer I agree 100% and it’s about time that our mechanchos and mashpiim stopped talking about mivtza tefillin (I’m a girl) and talk about things that are real issues

To #2
May 8, 2018 9:12 pm

Yup. Same thing, different platform. Btdt. 20+ years ago. Now a parent of a nice-size chassidishe family bh.

May 8, 2018 9:10 pm

Couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s an absolute abomination what’s going in our community. My son is in Oholei Torah mesivtah and I can tell you firsthand of all the crazy stuff happening even shiur Alef! Disgrace!

Yasher koach
May 8, 2018 9:08 pm

Brave and strong of you for speaking up.
I’m sure this took a lot of time and energy.
I am a fan!
Keep up all the amazing things u r doing.

To 6
May 8, 2018 9:06 pm

No. Not that smartphones should have filters.
No smartphones at all!!!

Get off Instagram
May 8, 2018 9:06 pm

So you don’t get dragged down yourself

May 8, 2018 9:05 pm

This is unfortunate And I think the Yeter Hara is very smart He knows the biggest distraction in today’s day is the smart phones When children and teenagers aren’t guided on how to use ignore for kedusha it can lead to the worst things ever Parents make sure your child’s phone is with a filter Make sure its used for important things such as school notifications/whatsapp etc but honestly if they done need a smart phone Just buy them a flip phone Smart phones can be very dangerous it can be an access to an open world which can be… Read more »

About time
May 8, 2018 9:04 pm

I am in ninth grade and I’m a boy and I don’t know how much boys and girls interact but I do know that they are drowning in internet shmutz. They are also looking for ways to interact with girls. I pity them but I can’t do anything and their parents are so oblivious

May 8, 2018 9:03 pm

It’s about time our community starts enforcing what every normal frum yid should do – make sure that no one (both adults and teens) have access to any device (computer phone etc) that does not have a good filter on it. filters that block not just pure shmutz, but also instgram etc.
Even in a work computer, there is no heter to have internet without a filter.

The uncomfortable truth
May 8, 2018 9:03 pm

Thank you so much for coming out and saying this. It’s hard for our parents and authorities to hear but it’s all true.

A teacher
May 8, 2018 9:02 pm

We know, we just don’t know what to do

So Intense and Truthful
May 8, 2018 8:57 pm

I very much appreciate this essay. You spoke from your heart and I hope it truly enters into the hearts of all those in education. You are talking about a fundamental issue in Chabad, we work so hard to bring people close and once they are we forget about them. Then we don’t take the time to stop and care for the kids that are struggling the way they should be. I hope your teachers and parents read this and sit down and speak to their children about relationships and experimentation to understand the long term ramifications and figure out… Read more »

May 8, 2018 8:52 pm

Really? Asks your parents about the AOL chatrooms from the 90s

It’s about time someone spoke up
May 8, 2018 8:48 pm

Unfortunately this is true ;(