ב"ה
Sunday, 22 Elul, 5779
  |  September 22, 2019

My ‘Stay at Home’ Mom

From the COLlive Inbox: In today’s day and age, an educated woman is a woman worthy of respect. My mother, however, never ‘worked’ a day in her life. Full Story

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Right you are
Guest
Right you are

very true and this comes from a working outside the home mother

Another "Stay at home mum"
Guest
Another "Stay at home mum"

Spot on!

A Son
Guest
A Son

Wow this letter is so inspiring ! You have true hakarat hatov to your mother. I hope women and girls will learn from letter what a real Jewish mother is suppose to be . Thank you.
Every girl should read this and forward it to others

This is the real thing.
Guest
This is the real thing.

Some of the op eds are recognizably made up. but this one sounds like the real Mccoy. Would someone or could someone write the fathers version of this product.

bravo!
Guest
bravo!

it’s nice for a mum to work when needed, but when she devotes herself to raising her children with love and joy to Torah, Chuppah, and maasim tovim, then she is truly fulfilling her life mission

Experience
Guest
Experience

This is a very well written piece. Congrats to the author. Indeed, there is nothing in this world like a Yiddishe Mamme. This has been highlighted many times throughout our history. However, I do want to make the single girls out there aware of something: Times have changed. Not all of you can, and not all of you will, be like the mother in this op-ed. Until YOU are a mother, you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about what it is like. Yes, you may have babysat your younger siblings, your nieces and nephews, and even other people’s children; but let me… Read more »

beautiful...
Guest
beautiful...

I hope I’m lucky enough that one day my daughters will think of me this way…

bh
Guest
bh

bh this lovely family have a good parnossah it makes it much easier

To number 8
Guest
To number 8

How would you ”know”, that ‘this lovely family has a good parnossoh “??????????? Do you live in their house? Do you keep cheshbon of their bank accounts? Do you see/hear if they are worried about finances or not!!!!!
How dare anyone judge and decide if a family has or has not got a good parnossoh. Until you do know for sure, don’t judge and don’t assume and above all don’t announce it to the world as a given fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because there is no way that you could ever know what goes on behind anothers front door!!!!!

From another daughter
Guest
From another daughter

My mother is a true aishes chayil as well. But unlike the mother in this piece, she worked for a large part of my childhood. She would have loved to have stayed at home and done everything that his mother did for her daughter, but she knew that if she stayed at home thee would be nothing to feed her family and no roof over her head and she wasn’t going to beg. Instead when she had spare money she would go to the cheapest stores to buy herself clothes or wear other peoples hand me downs. She would use… Read more »

Unfair
Guest
Unfair

I don’t think it was right or fair at all, for number 6, ‘to pour cold water’ over what is a beautifully written article; the author wrote this in full sincerity, it was her amazing experience of having her mother at home for her, and her siblings, all her life, and her recognition and appreciation of that point that prompted her to write this article, especially , as it would appear, that she would very shortly be getting married very soon. How many of us would wish for acknowledgement and recognition from our children! She was, at no point, suggesting… Read more »

The other daughter. . .
Guest
The other daughter. . .

Wowwwwwwwwww! That was the best article I read in my whole life!
Mum- you are the best one out there! B.A 😉 im happy that my report caused this to happen..!

b"h
Guest
b"h

My mother was all the things you write about. My mother had a lot of mesiras nefesh to raise us that way. She was dedicated to being there for us 24/7 and she was prepared to have to make every dollar stretch further and forego luxuries. I would love to be a mother like that to my children, but as #6 says, times have changed and unfortunately we no longer live in a one-income economy. Before I was married, I was very idealistic and thought I could be a “stay at home mum”. Today I spend a lot of time… Read more »

Inspired!
Guest
Inspired!

What a beautiful article!
Thats one lucky mother ka”h!

To the author
Guest
To the author

Just ignore nos, 6 and 8
Some people just cannot ‘fargin’ and have to make nasty comments, sad fact of life
Very well and inspiring written article!!

Wish I could Be a stay at home mom
Guest
Wish I could Be a stay at home mom

These days this is a pure luxury.
Women who work outside the home are generally doing so because they have no choice.

hear hear!
Guest
hear hear!

I’m all with the author on this- and think just as highly of my own mother, as a matter of fact, this could have been written about her!!!! My mother did teach at some points throughout the years, but only when the kids were all in school.
It is my fervent hope and wish that I will be able to do the same for my own children- may Hashem bless us with enough parnassa that I will not have to work as well in order for us to pay the bills….

beautiful!!!!
Guest
beautiful!!!!

very well written!!!!

number 8
Guest
number 8

you are assuming this family have a good parnassah? and is that all you have to say after an article such as this which raised countless wonderful points about the true virtue of women?

number4
Guest
number4

A fathers version…. there’s no such thing.
Oh, I’m on a guilt trip as a working mom…

Am I the only one missing something?
Guest
Am I the only one missing something?

Most Mothers who work don’t do it for “government recognition” as the author puts it. They work because they need to put bread on table. I still do all those things she described for my kids, and work too.

Nice
Guest
Nice

While much of your article is beautiful, I think it does children a disservice when mother’s run after them with lunch and homework. And waking you up every morning? How will the child learn responsibility?

A grateful daughter!
Guest
A grateful daughter!

You have a lucky mother B.A , However, I admire more the Mothers who DO go out to work and still are there for their children 24/7!!

Like Chanale put it:
Guest
Like Chanale put it:

My Business Is the way to happiness the path to success? Can I be satisfied if I’m something less? Than the doctor, the lawyer, they hoped I would be So what if I’m happy, just to be me? Each day, every hour, on me they depend To be mother, a sister, plus a wife and a friend I have a profession, though no PHD But today I am happy just to be me! I don’t need a license, don’t need a degree For I’m in the business, of a woman, you see My life’s full of meaning and my home’s… Read more »

just say
Guest
just say

I can just say that she is priveleged to be from a loving and devoted mother who gave her that confidence to do the essence of a jewish mother. Not everyone is that blessed. However, some people can try to emulate this anyway, and may they all be blessed with hatzlacha, and the blessings that the Rebbe brings down from HaKodosh Boruch Hu.

6 IS RIGHT
Guest
6 IS RIGHT

WE ALL ARE THINKING WHAT SHE WROTE, ITS REALITY 100 PERCENT

Oh how I wish
Guest
Oh how I wish

I wish I can be a “stay home mom”. I work so hard to help with parnassa. yes i have a degree, not for the “government recognition” but so we can keep up with tuitions,rent insurance etc. I am proud to say that although i work outside the house i am there for my children andyes they get delicious hot dinners when they get home!

mommy
Guest
mommy

Beaufiful article such Hakaras Hatov ur mother taught u well and to #23 u dont have to say u admire more ! Everyone has what Hashem wants them to do and everyone is capable of something else and we dont know wich is harder or easier for everyones situation Hashem should and does Bless all of us with many Simchas and Moshiach Now!! Thank u for posting!!!

like mother-like daughter
Guest
like mother-like daughter

Itmay not be possible for all mothers to stay home-or may not suit the personality of every woman.but let’s remember thaat this is our primary role.Ionly wish that I could be all that for my children-what a gift for these children

How appropriate
Guest
How appropriate

In this week of chof bais shvat when we remember our own chassidishe mother this was a most inspiring article from a young woman embarking on a new life, and home. May we all be blessed with these brachois. Be they brachois of parnassa,geezunt, kinderlach,and moshiach . May every lubavitch household be full of this simcha wether one works in the home or out. No guilt!

To #6
Guest
To #6

i agree with every word!!!

To #11
Guest
To #11

Please stop being naive. While you are correct in that it is a beautiful article, she could have accomplished the very same thing by giving her mother a Hallmark card. The fact that she chose to make this public shows that she wants to get an underlying message across to the readers. If you know how to analyze and interpret literature, you will see 3 messages here: 1. She appreciates, and is grateful to her mother (the obvious) 2. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, it is a very respectful position. 3. Being a stay… Read more »

I agree but....
Guest
I agree but....

yes i agree that it is important for moms to stay at home but unfortunately this is not really realistic today. Homes need dual income as real estate prices 20x more than 30 years ago and salaries barely even doubled. Furthermore, in all aspects of life the cost of living went up. I think what we can learn from this article is to treasure the time we do have with our children and to use that time to play, speak and do things together with them. No cellphone, no computer when the kids are awake. good luck

to #22
Guest
to #22

U mis-understood…. other jobs need degrees which means govt, recognition but a mom doesnt need a degree…!!

My Opinion
Guest
My Opinion

I am still single, and am currently a graduate school student to become a therapist. Why? My soul reasons are two impact the lives of my patients as well as provide a comfortable life for my kids. Im so tired of those in religious families who think they could be stay at home parents. I would love to spend all the time in the world with my future kids, but my responsibility to them is to make a living for them, as well as my future husband. Im tired of those families were the fathers and husbands sit on their… Read more »

WOW!!!!
Guest
WOW!!!!

ALl the GUILTY moms who are clearly resentful to the stay at home moms , relax, noones judging you and saying your not AMAZING – which u are juggling home and work- however be honest with yourselves for a moment and think about how HARD it is to be a stay at home mom, we sacrifice plenty too by NOT working and if you werent so busy feeling guilty , you would be abl;e to fargin and appreciate that there are still some “old fashioned ” moms who actually stay home to be with their kids (even if it means… Read more »

to author
Guest
to author

…happy u r proud of your Mother ..but no need to state that on account of putting Mothers who work – mine happens to have been involved in Avoidas Haklal as long as i could remember- but it B’H was never on account of the family ..our Mother was there for us in the same way..making us the focus of her life ..and we also had a chance to see her in action and giving of herself to many others !!

To the author
Guest
To the author

…happy u r proud of your Mother ..but no need to state that on account of putting Mothers who work – mine happens to have been involved in Avoidas Haklal as long as i could remember- but it B’H it was never on account of the family ..our Mother was there for us in the same way..making us the focus of her life ..and we also had a chance to see her in action and giving of herself to many others !!

Please G-d I do not want to be a stay at home Mom
Guest
Please G-d I do not want to be a stay at home Mom

This article was VERY lovely. Yet there are woman who are a bit more ambitious. When I dated my husband and he told me he didnt want me to work and instead he would work to support the family I shot him down. I told him sitting alone in an empty house and be his housewife was not making the best of Gd’s gifts he gave me. So I intend to juggle motherhood and a career G-d willing. My mother did it and she is my everything you listed here. There are wonder-women and I hope to join their ranks!… Read more »

Former akeres habayis
Guest
Former akeres habayis

I will never forgive the community for forcing me out of my home in order to pay tuition

beautifully written
Guest
beautifully written

WOW!!

Don't look for negative
Guest
Don't look for negative

I think the author emphasized the ‘stay at home mom’ bit, not to put down any working mothers, not even to open a dialogue about which approach is ‘better’. I think she was simply remarking, humbly, that even though outside eyes might find her mother lacking in accomplishments, her children can testify to the true, lasting, and valuable mark she has made in the world through being a loving, caring mother and member of the community. You don’t need to do something big, just do what you can in your own small sphere, and that makes you an ‘eishis Chayil’.

quality not quantity
Guest
quality not quantity

I always thought I’d be a stay at home mom, but it didn’t work out that way financially for us. BUT–I have tried to always be there for my kids, to do the best I can to understand and support them. Kudos to the mom who inspired all of this–and to all the beautiful Jewish moms out there who are working hard (whether they earn a paycheck or not) to give their all to raising these precious children!

Big deal
Guest
Big deal

I did all of that and I worked full time too. I also hosted guests often, went to shiurim, was involved in chessed projects and took exercise classes. don’t see why she is being lauded. No one is writing articles about me and I worked much much harder than she did.

mature to say thank you before 30
Guest
mature to say thank you before 30

You are very mature and were obviously raised to have hakaras ha tov and to be able to say thank you before you are the one balancing a family is beautiful. I am amazed how anyone can say anything negative about this.
To #44, it is so sad that you think this has anything to do with YOU, this is not about YOU, this is about this girl’s mother and this girl.
People need to take a step back, this is not about YOU, this is about a mother and daughter. Please get a therapist

#39 Ambitious?
Guest
#39 Ambitious?

Youch! More ambitious by going out to work? I babysit so that I can also watch my kids at the same time. Do you know how hard it is to be a stay at home mom nowadays? Thanks to the femenists who decided that it was more ambitious to work, those who choose to stay at home and raise their kids for those precious first years alone (very hard let me tell you with no cleaning help) are stuck in a position where they have to prove they are not stupid or lazy. I struggle all the time to tell… Read more »

number 44
Guest
number 44

number 44, how do you know you worked much harder than this mother? Who are you to judge?
And in my experience, it is not humanely possible to be completely in all those places you listed. You must have compromised somewhere.

authors sister
Guest
authors sister

wow so proud of my 2 sisters, You brought tears to my eyes twice in 2 weeks reading your articles about Mummy!
SO WELL WRITTEN AND SO TRUE!!!

Friend of the author
Guest
Friend of the author

Wow!! This is so beautifully written! You are all missing the point!! Obviously there are cases where a woman must go and work (often for financial reasons) and their juggling act is incredible! The reason why this article is so important is because there is a huge emphasis nowadays on being a working woman. If I want to be a ‘somebody’, I’ve got to do ‘something’ and for some reason, being a mother is too insignificant to be ‘something’ It’s so important to realise how incredible these women are. They are not ‘unambitious’, ‘unintelligent’, ‘schlimazels’. They are women who have… Read more »

Valuable mothers
Guest
Valuable mothers

tO # 47 I AGREE WITH YOU
to #49 – I say that full time moms – I don’t call them stay at home – ‘cuz I’m not at home all day just because I’m not working, use our talents and capabilities to raise our kids, not that we are not intelligent and capable etc, but we use our gifts for the most important job of all…our families. And we don’t “delegate” it to goyim or others who don’t have our values!

crying
Guest
crying

so true.
It is the most beautiful article I read lately. I am sure your mother is an example for all of us mothers. To strive to be mothers, our true goal, what H’ gave us as a chore.
Happy birthday to your mommy and H’ should give her lots of health and coach!!!!

Mom who hopes one day to get a letter like this!!!
Guest
Mom who hopes one day to get a letter like this!!!

I CANNOT believe how some people always manage to find something negative to say!!!! Look at this girls hakaros hatov!!!! Shows you right there the mom did her job amazingly! Who cares if you agree on every detail, can juggle more- just step back and appreciate and kvell for another yiddishe Mameh for a job well done.

to #44
Guest
to #44

This is all about the author. It is just simply beautiful when a daughter can appreciate her mother enough to write this beautifu article. if no one wrote about you, that does not mean you are not a great , outstanding mother, nor does it mean that you are not appreciated. it just means that your daughter(if you have any) did not think of showing her appreciation in this method, like most of our daughters or she might be too young or any other valid reason. This daughter was creative enough to go ahead and do this.

A Morah
Guest
A Morah

While true, sometimes it’s financially unavoidable. As a teacher I can tell you with certainty, you are fooling yourself if you think a mother who works all day can be as good a mother as one that spends her day at home taking care of the house. I cant tell you how many times I have had students come to school burning with fever and they say, my mommy said I had to come to school, she couldn’t take another day off. Children need a mommy, not a stressed out overworked mother who has no strength or patience to sit… Read more »

beautiful
Guest
beautiful

Beautiful article. For those who feel put down because they don’t live this type of lifestyle – that’s not a bad thing – different strokes for different folks – we aren’t all the same and we don’t all have the same needs. The Rebbe certainly recognized that – he told my mother that she should continue to work to be an EXAMPLE of a frum woman with a large family in the workplace. Was the Rebbe turning us kids into a korban? I don’t think so. We recognized the value of what she did and her dedication to us. As… Read more »

awesome aricle!!
Guest
awesome aricle!!

sounds like my mother 🙂

Dear Stay at Home Mother
Guest
Dear Stay at Home Mother

You send your children to the school that I WORK in all day long. Have you thought about that? A real stay at home mother would home school her children so as not to rely on other mothers to tend to her children during the day. She should also make sure to provide care to her children so as not to take them to medical appointments where Jewish female staff work.

To number 21
Guest
To number 21

I have not worked as the mother in this artcle when my children were growing up and LOVED every minute of it. Today my children are married and I do work now. In my place of work there are many young mothers and many have outright said that they are not working for the money but they cant stand the thought of staying home with their kids all day every day. Yes it is a different generation. What I considered an honor and privilege is now looked upon as a burden

agreeing with u no. 54
Guest
agreeing with u no. 54

I am also a Morah{all my children are grown} and I have seen exactly what you describe. Also a number of young married mothers with children work in the same school as I do. THere is no way after dealing with someone elses children all day that they can come home and have patience for their own. And some have even told me they work to get out of the house and do not want to stay home with their kids. Why do they want to take care of someone elses kid and not their own?

A friend of the author
Guest
A friend of the author

This article is so beautiful, and makes me stop and think about the incredible mother I have and so much of it taken for granted!

This article is not a fact of what all mothers should be – and it’s not criticizing those that do opposite to what this author writes. It’s HER thoughts and her personal experience, that she appreciates –

Beautiful beautiful beautiful words of the mind

To #55
Guest
To #55

VERY WELL SAID! I’ve been in the working field while my first few children were young but decided to try being a “full time mom” and quit my job. The effect that it had on my children AND HUSBAND was remarkable and instantly noticeable. Most moms know what they can handle and what’s best for her kids. It’s nobody’s business to parade around that one way is better. What’s important is that each mother really look deeply into her life and decide whether or not the decision she made is best for her family, and if not, MAKE THAT CHANGE!… Read more »

To no.32!!
Guest
To no.32!!

Oh my G-d!! Are you for real????Seriously, I think if anyone needs analysing, its you, and no one else! If you were my therapist, or my psychologist, I would leave your office, like,now!!!!! What is this, a lesson in psychology??? There are big issues involved if someone can write such an intense, insane comment, to a totally, utterly, completely innocent, beautifully written article, on the hakoras Hatoiv a child has for her mother!!! What is your problem with the fact that she decided to do it on COL, and not with a hallmark card????? Live and let live, and get… Read more »

i doubt the original commentors will see this...
Guest
i doubt the original commentors will see this...

i think the point the author is making is the hakaras hatov to her mother.
i dont think helps us to debate if mothers should work or stay home- there isnt one answer to that heavy topic.
whatever the case many mothers work hard both in and out of the house for their families and they are amazing moms as well.
appreciation is the key!

amazing article
Guest
amazing article

that was really so beautiful – when a woman has to work there is no choice but i find today many of my friends are working and making just enough money to pay their nanny. it is no longer vogue to be a stay at home mom- anyone can teach etc…. but there is only one person in the world that can be your kids mother and that is YOU!!!! hats off to the stay at home moms

Be Prepared
Guest
Be Prepared

My mother always said that a woman should be able to support herself and her family if she ever needed to just in case G-d forbid something happened to her husband. While it is a great option to have to be able to raise your kids, it is an even greater gift to have the ability to provide for yourself.

tzippy barouk
Guest
tzippy barouk

I am a Mother, but also a working mother, i come from a house where my mother was also working because there were no other choice. Baruch hashem , we grew up very well with a lot of love. my mother always thaught me that what matters is quality of time and not quantity. today i am working with baruch hashem a large family and i don’t feel guilty about it because i provide for my husband and my kids. Of course it would be nicer to be at home but today it is impossible financially speaking. I am amazed… Read more »

to #35
Guest
to #35

no offense but your appalling English spelling and grammar suggests you are not really a grad student. Also who says it is a mother’s responsibility to make a living? Obviously sometimes it is necessary but the Jewish way puts the responsibility firmly on the father in the first instance. See the marriage Kesubah for more details.

To #62
Guest
To #62

What’s with all those question and exclamation marks in your comment? Do you have OCD?

I actually completely agree with #32. The writer of the op-ed made her letter public for a reason.

There is an underlying tone in her op-ed that stinks of belittling working mothers.

She could have wrote the entire op-ed without making any reference whatsoever to the fact that her mother is a “stay-at-home” mom.

Authors note
Guest
Authors note

Unfortunately, the disclaimer I emailed to the editor in a separate email was not included but it might have helped clear the confusion with regards to the point of this article. I asked the editor to please add that in no way is this article here to put down or insult those who for many various reason are in the workplace. I am well aware that many mothers would love to in the position of a stay at home mom but today’s day and age has not afforded them that opportunity. This article was to boost the spirits also of… Read more »

Money is tight but I stay at home
Guest
Money is tight but I stay at home

because this is how my husband and I want it. we don’t have a house , don’t have a car , don’t have summers away in the country etc but we feel we are giving a gift to our children of all the same things written in the above article. and let me tell u it’s not easy… I see my friends get dressed up , have much more of a social life with co workers, simchas to go to and I can tell u being a stay at home mum is pretty lonely. I can’t tell u how many… Read more »

#44
Guest
#44

soo your children can do other things 2 show thier hacaras hatov

yeh yeh
Guest
yeh yeh

only works wheth the female in question embraces the role of mammeh and balabuste. if she doesn’t consider that her highest calling, she’s always have one foot out the door for a calling she feels to be higher than her husband, home and children.

not haveing the mitzvos to do with time constraints was predictaed on someone who was 24/7 on call for family.

why they  work
Guest
why they work

i have 2 friends that work so they could pay a Mexican shiksa to stay home with her kids while she is at work. THis is twisted thinking .She said she would go crazy if she had to stay with her kids. Mind you she is an early childhood teacher and is taking care of someone elses kids while the shiksa is raising her kids

to #35
Guest
to #35

I was a stay at home mom from the late ’70’s for many years. Now I am working. I am shocked at your wording. I really seriously think that you have issues which you haven’t resolved. You could go for any degree you want, but when you need to put down what the basis of a Jewish mother is because you think you are the only one who can save the world, then your belief system is severely mistaken. Be true to yourself, and think out your beliefs, and listen to your thoughts. I gave many years as a stay… Read more »

AND.....
Guest
AND.....

And by the way, #35 and others who have their values mixed up (well we all grow and find the truth as we get older and see what works and what does not)……if you really looked for the truth in your endeavours in psychology, you would see that a child who has respect and love for their parent as this woman does (the authoress of the article), this is the ultimate in psychological and spiritual health and well being. You think that the ultimate is working to save the world? Save one world….your child. If they grow up and are… Read more »

To 68
Guest
To 68

No, no OCD! Just extreme annoyance and frustration at the comment written!!! Thus the question marks, and exclamation marks. . . they helped express just that!! and once again, as mentioned many times in the previous comments, you’ve totally misread the ‘toichen’ of this op-ed . . . all she was trying to do, was send out her feelings of immense hakoras hatov to her mother, pre her chuppah, and also for her birthday; there is, at no point, any hint or reprimand to mothers who were’nt where her mother is; lets just relax here, take a step back, and… Read more »

Happy Home
Guest
Happy Home

Every woman,in her heart of hearts knows what is best for herself which by extension means, best for her family. Deep down we all know our real coping abilities. If we are honest with ourselves we will do the right thing by our family, which is SO individual. B”H, we live in a day and age when we have choices. None are superior. Some say that working is not a choice for them, it is a necessity, while others say, if you are determined to stay at home, you cut corners and make it work. Choices. Make them. Be happy… Read more »

beautiful!
Guest
beautiful!

my mom was just like this one. i work though, cuz its easier. i feel guilty every day and admire those who stay home!

work is no bad
Guest
work is no bad

b”h why are peole accusing mothers for going to work instead of raising their kids????? and what if she is raisng someone else’s kids? if you are a mommy and a morah, u definately know the diff. between being a mommy and being a kindergarten teacher. some mother’s have a personality (given by hashem) that when they stay home with the kids all they long, they go crazy, have no pations, and can’t wait untill the kids go to sleep, etc. so its BEST for the KIDS that the mommy should go out to work, so when she’l be back,… Read more »

happy birthday
Guest
happy birthday

very well written!! I never knew we shared a birthday…mazal tov!
love your cuzin Sheina Raskin from Aussie

said tehillim
Guest
said tehillim

I enjoyed your article and want to remind everyone that her mother SAID TEHILLIM during the day. LOTS OF TEHILLIM for all her children and extended family. Now thats an AISHES CHAYIL.(she didn’t waist her time on shtusim)

A different perspective...
Guest
A different perspective...

A special well written article, but I want to add something from a different perspective. In days long gone it was the father of the house who took upon himself to support the family whilst the mother remained at home, doing everything. For some reason this has changed in our generation, woman have the obligation to help provide financially whilst still keep to their first job of being ‘ Mother ‘. I am not alluding to those who have to work because of financial situations. The father of this wonderful girl must be very special – to keep to the… Read more »

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