I’ve thought about writing this for a while, and kept pushing it off. It’s almost like I wanted to deny it in a way. But at some point, reality hits. And it hits hard.
Why is it that when it comes to shidduchim, everything hits hard?
I’ll start by saying that I’m a frum Lubavitch single girl. I grew up in a well established Lubavitch community. I went to the regular Lubavitch school system, and felt pretty comfortable in it. Of course I experienced and saw things I didn’t appreciate, but in general, I accepted and appreciated what we were taught in terms of hashkafah.
Now in my 20’s, I’d never imagined that so many things I came to value then are now things I’m told I shouldn’t appreciate anymore.
I’ll get straight to the point: Movies.
Since we were little, they taught us that Movies wasn’t for us to see or watch. I didn’t feel that it was taught with a harsh or negative attitude, but that as frum yidden this is our standard, and it keeps us holy and focused, with a clear mind, and sincere heart.
We were taught that it’s not tznius or proper or appropriate. We were taught it stays in your head long after it’s over. We were taught it’s not good for your neshama. We were taught it affects your daily life and choices. We were taught it can affect your marriage. Yes, your marriage. And that’s where it hits me hard.
There have been shidduch suggestions of bochurim who want a home of chassidishkeit and are into the Rebbe’s inyonim, and when looking into them further, they also watch movies. Unfortunately, even documentaries contain elements of romance or violence for example. When their mind wanders, where do their thoughts lead them?
I’ve heard that mashpiim are now saying it’s impossible to find a bochur that doesn’t watch movies. Can it be that all bochurim today watch movies and it makes no difference?
I’ve also heard that some bochurim only watch movies to wind down or to relax, but the only problem is that things we see stay in our mind after we’ve seen them. On the other hand, relaxing or de-stressing with a jog in the park doesn’t leave you with images in your mind.
We know that what the eye sees, the heart wants. Should I now be convinced that we’ve graduated into a generation that has a disconnect between their eyes and heart?
Is this yet another sensitivity that we’ve lost to today’s standard? We don’t live in a box, but is that an excuse for the sensitivity and refinement of a marriage to suffer?
I truly believe that a solid marriage is based on true commitment and trust. In my eyes, a husband who feels the need to “look across the street” for entertainment, getting distracted by others etc. isn’t truly committed to his wife.
We live in a world where so many outside influences are tempting. They are over dramatized, painting beautiful and very unrealistic and even non-existent pictures. We all know this very well. Marketing. Social Media. Advertising.
Girls have this struggle in different areas, such as their own tznius. I am not putting the bochurim down for their struggles in this area, I am sincerely trying to understand.
Is a “chassidish” girl who values tznius and the holiness of a marriage expected to lower her standards and be okay with the movies?
Both sides, the husband and wife, usually stand on similar ground. But I’m seeing so many girls like me feeling the need to lower our standards in things we feel are vital to the foundation of life and marriage.
There are many things in shidduchim I’ve come to understand and realize, but this I find hard to swallow. Am I asking too much for a husband who doesn’t watch movies?
What are your thoughts?