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Thursday, 14 Kislev, 5780
  |  December 12, 2019

Must I Compromise On This?

From the COLlive inbox: A Lubavitch girl in shidduchim is disturbed by one negative aspect that some bochurim are lax about. Full Story

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It's sad
Guest
It's sad

Just turn the wifi off

Many bochurim
Guest
Many bochurim

Do not watch movies. You are being set up with the wrong people. And your expectations are a little too demanding.

Idea for frum lubavitchers
Guest
Idea for frum lubavitchers

When I had an issue (when I was in my 30s) with movies I would only let myself watch kids cartoons. Just a small idea for those struggling. Helps relax but not nearly as bad as other movies.
Shkoyach

Nu nu
Guest
Nu nu

In every religious group there’s the process of ‘modernisation’ it’s natural.

Unfortunate but not surprising
Guest
Unfortunate but not surprising

It happens all the time people frying out. But this is mass-frying out. It’s not good but since it’s unsurprising, I’m not concerned.

Not true
Guest
Not true

Please dont give up. There are plenty bochrim who dont watch movies and maybe some that do BUT you are correct that it bothers you. Keep looking.
I BH have a home that has no movies and my sons dont watch movies!

PLEASE CLARIFY...
Guest
PLEASE CLARIFY...

What videos is this girl referring to, secular ch’v!!?!!!

Am I the only one that thinks this is not true.
Guest
Am I the only one that thinks this is not true.

I watch movies and I don’t think about them after I watch them… (Most of the time). ..Okay maybe I do think about them after they’re over but it’s only normal and natural!!

Internet ??
Guest
Internet ??

How about a spouse that doesn’t look at collive

Todays generation
Guest
Todays generation

Is a “chassidish” girl who values tznius and the holiness of a marriage expected to lower her standards and be okay with the movies? No, you can still find a “real” chassidsh bochur which means that doesn’t watch movies. BTW, it goes without saying that if you demand a bochur that doesn’t watch movies, you would need to be dressed 100% tzniusdik at all times. If you end up marrying a bochur that doesn’t watch movies and you aren’t 100% tzniusdik, then the boy is actually lowering his standards.

Seriously?
Guest
Seriously?

You’re comparing tzinius to watching Documentaries that may contain violence??? This is the problem, there is Halacha and then there is Hashkafah. You may not want a bocher who has never seen a world war II documentary (good luck) but please don’t compare tzinius to a Documentary. Unfortunately it is this thinking that encourages girls to dress not tzniusdik and Bochrim to touch their Beards etc.. because if I already watch something why shouldn’t I to this, this, and this. You have to know what is Halacha and what is Hashkafah. If you dont know the difference then i don’t… Read more »

Ur right
Guest
Ur right

Though being a Bochur, there are a lot a lot of bochurim that don’t watch and have strong values about marriage and chasidishkeit,

Not sure that’s true
Guest
Not sure that’s true

I know plenty of good bochrim who are very far from
watching movies

Thank you for writing
Guest
Thank you for writing

I spent my formidable years in Detroit Yeshiva (not perfect) and never watched movies as a Bochur (or now married) BH. Don’t buy in to the argument that everyone does it today. Good luck!

Answering your question
Guest
Answering your question

“I’ve heard that mashpiim are now saying it’s impossible to find a bochur that doesn’t watch movies. Can it be that all bochurim today watch movies and it makes no difference? ” No. Not all bochurim. While I will not pretend that my husband was disconnected from human desires, (which everyone has, the question is just how they control them) he did not watch movies. He controlled the desires. And we got married just short years ago. It exists. My husband is everything for me and he is the most special, loving person in the world. What I will advise… Read more »

well said
Guest
well said

you are speaking from a shidduch perspective, but are really addressing something that affects the neshama across the board. Thank you for saying it straight, what the eye sees the heart wants.

Welcome to the real world
Guest
Welcome to the real world

Am I asking too much for a husband who doesn’t watch movies?, You ask.

The question is what are your shidduch “conditions”?

There are plenty of baalei teshuva, chassidish and really good people. Are you willing to consider them, or are you too “gezha” by any chance…? Or some other prestige that makes you too good for them?

This is real life. You can’t get it all. Choose your priorities.

Big difference between movies and documentaries
Guest
Big difference between movies and documentaries

Please don’t confuse movies and documentaries. You may not want a husband that watched either but they aren’t in the same boat standards wise.

Apples to oranges
Guest
Apples to oranges

Tznius= halacha
Most documentaries= hashkafah/ chasidishkeit

Right
Guest
Right

The girl is right. Hold out for a Bahur who does not watch movies.

%33
Guest
%33

As with everything in the world, this can be divided into groups of %33. There are some very chassidishe bochurim. Who are so farkocht in the Rebbes inyonim that movies wouldn’t be a distant consideration, there are those, who you mention, that will watch the occasional movie (once a week/every two weeks) but are still solid, frumme yidden who want nothing more than to build a beautiful frum home and live up to the ideals of Chassidus. Consider that a lot of these bochurim struggle with these choices and will frequently make the hachlata not to watch anymore. It’s a… Read more »

A brochur in his 20's
Guest
A brochur in his 20's

You are 100 percent right. No doubt about it. I don’t have an awnser for you. Having been through the “system” and even more, seen a large amount of bochrim watch movies. Some are almost addicted, others are casual. Myself personally- I do watch movies. But I as of late do not, for the reason being I can’t bring myself to sit down for 2 hours and commit to loosing that time. What did you do in your house as a kid? And not just what you were taught, what was done in your house. The sensitivity has become damaged.… Read more »

No, your not asking too much
Guest
No, your not asking too much

If you are a chassidishe girl who doesnt watch movies and dresses 100% tznius and says chitas etc. etc. etc., then you should try to find a bochur who values those things above all else. You raise very valuable points for someone looking at things from a different perspective: How come every mother of boys asks the first question: is she tznius, when their sons are not perfect angels….like you said, most bochurim today are watching movies, many dont go to minyan all the time, say chitas etc. etc., so why is a girl’s tznius the ONLY thing that is… Read more »

A bochur
Guest
A bochur

I don’t watch movies and i have plenty of friends who also don’t. U can find those chasidish and those “with it”. U just might not find anyone 100% chasidish and 100% with it

Does a TIsha b'Av movie count ???
Guest
Does a TIsha b'Av movie count ???

I only watch on Tisha B’Av and only a Holocaust movie does that count as watching movies?

Keep looking!
Guest
Keep looking!

No, you’re not asking for too much! You’re a pure soul and don’t compromise! May you find your true bashert very soon in a clear way without lowering your standard!

I believe that
Guest
I believe that

I believe that one should not lower their standards. What o e holds value to Hashem appriciates. And especially appreciates it when o e is standing strong against the crowd.

We live in a world where there are so many temptations. I believe one should hold to their standards.

To the chassidishe buchrim, pls dont allow the internet to sweep you away. Its not worth itt in the long run! The chassidishe girls want a bochur that doesn’t watch movies. We want a buchor that has a filters on their phone. We want a bochor that has self control. Hiskafia.

Ms. perfect
Guest
Ms. perfect

As a young sheltered girl, you indeed have minimal exposure to the realities of this world. There is virtually no such thing anymore as a Bochur who doesn’t watch movies. He might not have a Netflix account, but he will watch what people send him on Whatsapp and Youtube etc. Most importantly, there are much bigger things to worry about in life than whether your husband watched movies. I can assure you that once you have a few kids driving you up the walls the last thing you will be thinking about is whether your husband once watched movies. When… Read more »

Single Girl
Guest
Single Girl

This is cute. I dress Tznius and watch an occasional movie. wow I didn’t know that I should just throw it all away, I mean if I watch movies anyway I might as well right??? You seem very concerned about what Videos Bochrim are seeing, yet you don’t seem to mind them jogging in the park. Let me ask you which park are they jogging in? Is it men only? Are they listing to Nigunim while they are Jogging? Are they wearing a white shirt, and Tzitzit? I mean I have a lot of problems with the Shiduch system, but… Read more »

You sound
Guest
You sound

like an amazing girl with the right Hashkafah! I hope Hashem sends you a Bochur who values the sanctity of marriage as you do and is very careful with what he sees.

Utter misrepresentation of bochurim
Guest
Utter misrepresentation of bochurim

This is a gross misrepresentation of reality. As a bochur in Zal with many bochurim, I can testify that there are many generalisations stated here about bochurim watching movies. You are simply on the other side of the spectrum which is fair, but you can’t generalise about “most bochurim” nowerdays. I personally know bochurim which have not and will not watch movies etc. The struggle is real, but generalisations are not the solution!

Dont worry
Guest
Dont worry

Life is about constantly growing and raising ur standards .Growing and striving in all areas of our life. Never lower you standards for anyone. don’t worry the right guy will show up

Agreed
Guest
Agreed

Don’t get why all the guys watch movies and think it’s fine.
It’s not chassidish.
You can watch but don’t claim to be chassidish.

"I was taught", nu
Guest
"I was taught", nu

You don’t have to believe everything you were taught…

Sensitivity
Guest
Sensitivity

You make it seem like the issue is him watching movies is him cheating on you. They don’t do it because of you or in spite of you, it’s just something they do. Everyone has things they indulge in. And have to work on. Don’t take it personally. If you feel strongly about it then say so and stick to it.

Young and naive
Guest
Young and naive

“In my eyes, a husband who feels the need to watch movies and look across the street getting distracted by others etc. isn’t truly focused on his wife.” I apologize for being so blunt, but this statement is utter garbage. Movies are a part of [secular] culture. Men watch movies for the same reason women watch movies: entertainment. To say he is not truly focused on his wife is absolute nonsense. What should he do? Sit and stare at his wife all day to show that he is truly focused on her? Now, movies are definitely not chassidish, and you… Read more »

Amazing
Guest
Amazing

I’m a bochur, 21 I DONT watch movies , I used to, but I stopped a few years back, here’s what I think :very simple, if your looking for someone that doesn’t watch movies which means he uses his time wisely, it will usually be one that is interested in teaching or interested in such a line of work. But if you want one that works and so on, yes the way they will relax right or wrong , is they may watch movies! It all depends on what’s important to you. Another pint is I wouldn’t want my children… Read more »

My 2 cents
Guest
My 2 cents

“I truly believe that a solid marriage is based on true commitment and trust. In my eyes, a husband who feels the need to watch movies and look across the street getting distracted by others etc. isn’t truly focused on his wife.” Your words – do you see the conflict: Why would you assume you have something to MIStrust if your husband is distracted away from you? Do you realistically think that your spouse should be focussing on YOU 24/7? Even in his dreams? Even while davenning? Movies aren’t the issue here. Your neediness is. From what you have said… Read more »

Absolutely not
Guest
Absolutely not

You should not, it does not let you have a proper marriage if your not on ths same page
There is many bochurim who dont watch movies

Another girl
Guest
Another girl

Which part of your 20’s are you? 21 or 29? I was taught the same. No movies. I watched some in high school and kept it a secret because I wasn’t proud of it. Now I am almost mid 20’s and married with a child to a wonderful, refined and ehrlich man… who watches movies. Turns out I don’t actually care as much as my teachers tried convincing me that I would. Do I see it reflected in his speech, in his thoughts, in his tired or drunken behavior? No, so let him have his little struggle that literally has… Read more »

to the young woman asking...
Guest
to the young woman asking...

you’re right about the negative effects of movies and, just for your information, yes, there are bochurim out there who also believe, as you do, that watching movies is detrimental to your ruchniusdikeh health and don’t watch movies. you’re right not to compromise on this point even if it narrows your field a bit; but not to fear, bochurim who don’t watch movies definitely do exist. persevere and you’ll find the one that Hashem has reserved for you. hatzlochoh rabba. p.s. just as an aside, documentaries are generally genuine live footage of historic or scientific events. they are not to… Read more »

Father
Guest
Father

It may well be tough finding whom you want but there’s no reason a priori to lower your standards. Think good and it will be good. You’ll find a young man who also spurns the window to secularism. But you musn’t worry, because that worry itself compromises your full trust in Hashem, I would think. We all have out packets of bad luck, but in the end Hashem comes through for us. By the way, I’m not disqualifying movie-watchers either, because they too can come to realize just how shallow the life of a goy can be, despite the perceived… Read more »

to number 8
Guest
to number 8

thats the point! its normal and natural to think about a movie afterwards! so it effects the way you think and act!

how about bochurim going to the beach!!
Guest
how about bochurim going to the beach!!

ive been told that im outdated looking for shiduchim for my girls, hoping the bochur doesnt go to a mixed beach on a nice sunny day, vedal!!

BH you are one of the girls that the Rebbe can count on as noshim tzidkonios of today, keep strong in your standards,we need lots more to learn from you!! the Eibershter should soon send you your half soul, pure and clean. broche vehatzloche.

Older person's opinion
Guest
Older person's opinion

You should certainly not lower your standards about something so important. However, as the comments make clear, there are many excellent Bochurim who don’t watch movies. In fact, the very fact that they don’t watch movies should outweigh many other things. You should compromise or overlook things which aren’t very important in the long term. You have the right approach. Don’t be discouraged.

Compromise?
Guest
Compromise?

Please clarify, do you mean a bocher who has watched or seen things in the past? Or someone who actively and currently watches? Because if it’s someone who has watched in the past but doesn’t anymore and doesn’t plan on bringing it into the home, what difference does it make to you?
And maybe even if they do occasionally watch, you can come to an agreement that it isn’t what the standard that will be in the home for the children, and if so then why is that such a huge compromise on you’re end?

Responses
Guest
Responses

1. While many bochurim watch movies, not all do.
2. When you included documentaries into your diatribe, you lost me somewhat, and I think weakened your point.
3. You remind me of my ex wife, who had the same ideals. Sadly, she is not frum, while I, b”H am.

A bochur's perspective
Guest
A bochur's perspective

Im a bochur of marriageable age. I find your words to be sincere, and would like to present you my perspective as a bochur. Im a bochur who is considered to be a down to earth chassidisher bochur, farbrengs, learns sichos etc. When not learning I relax by reading news (not too bad in my opinion but a waste of time), and less often, I watch movies, usually documentaries about israel, mossad, army, wars, countries history etc (which are pretty pareve but as you mentioned could have non appropiate elements), and as any person in this world I have a… Read more »

to 21 and 23
Guest
to 21 and 23

to 21: you wrote an excellent point which is worth to emphasize “I also want to add that a bochur who truly strives for self-embetterment but struggles with the occasional movie (and I believe that that’s most of the “chassidishe guys who watch movies” you encountered, give him a chance. He’s a good guy.” to 23: you write ” 2. what about other qualities that a girl may have (davening, good hashkofos, midos) even if she is a bit challenged in the tznius department…why is the exact length of her skirt so much more important than all else?” c’mon you… Read more »

Bochur
Guest
Bochur

I’m a real live bochur, and I don’t watch movies. The occasional clip or documentary – perhaps. But I like most bochrim draw the line at movies. When you are talking to people in the street, on mivtzoim or wherever your interactions with non frum people take place, and you inevitably get asked “have you seen this movie?” and they go from title to title, and you haven’t seen any, and you then find yourself explaining that in your circles, we don’t watch movies, I consider that a bochur who doesn’t watch movies. I think majority of bochrim today are… Read more »

Bochur in his twenties
Guest
Bochur in his twenties

Don’t give up! Don’t lower your standards! מעלין בקודש ואין מורידין. Myself and many of my friends also want someone who does not watch any movies. I think you have been lied to. Although it’s extremely hard to find someone who has never watched a movie, there are many Bochurim who have realized the damage that it does, worked on themselves, and now also want someone who understands the same. In general, when it comes to Frumkeit never lower your standards (every other expectation you can). Don’t worry, Hashem will take care of you and I’m sure you will find… Read more »

an opinion
Guest
an opinion

It is very true that what U see(Or hear-music) definitely stays in your mind and even in the middle of rosh hashana or yom kippur davening-it unexpectantly pops up-out of the blue-it is always there at the front or back of the mind.BTW_if the Rebbe were to walk in while U were doing any of the above(Even just glancing across the street what would your immediate reaction be-how would U B (As a chassisishe boy or girl) also-as a out-of-towner who comes to C.H. not very often I b-lieve that if the Rebbe were to walk down Kingston people would… Read more »

A man is a man
Guest
A man is a man

It would help to understand that men are men and men are different than women. Men do not look at women the same way that women look at men. Without getting too specific, a man will come across inappropriate things which will catch his attention, no matter how much he tries to avoid them. It’s the nature of man to look, And doing so doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like his wife anymore, it just means that he looked because that is his nature. Marriage is about real love, not fun and looks. No matter where he looks, he still… Read more »

WOW!
Guest
WOW!

Happy to see that there’s still chasidisher girls out there.
Well if there’s chasidisher girls there must be chasidishe boys too

problem with the system
Guest
problem with the system

well theres a much bigger problem that she’s touching on which is buchrim even “chasidish” ones tend to get a bit addicted to watching movies and the like which I think comes from one of the holes in the yeshiva system which is that not every buchers mind is being stimulated the whole day by the learning in yeshiva (which I believe is a big problem for many who would like a chasidishe education but just can’t sit there learning torah all day ) so they start watching movies all day which sometimes slowly turns into their whole lives and… Read more »

Curious thought...
Guest
Curious thought...

Ever considered that perhaps there might be a possibility that you have been educated wrong? Is it possible to watch a film and not get affected by it? There is a famous debate among scholars on whether or not violence in film truly causes violence in people. The studies show, that in fact, it has a reverse effect – that people become more fearful of violence rather than becoming violent themselves (Tough Guise: Violence, Media & the Crisis in Masculinity [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI (7:02) and (Ukoha, E. K., (2013). Media violence and violence behaviour of Nigerian youths: Intervention… Read more »

Efsher takeh...
Guest
Efsher takeh...

If you have the chutzpah to throw such heavy acusations maybe you shouldn’t get married bichlal

Rediculous
Guest
Rediculous

1. As a 23 yo Bochur myself I can tell you as a fact that are MANY, MANY Bochurim who focus their lives on learning, davening, etc and do NOT watch movies. To say that watching movies is a normal thing amongst chassidisher Bochurim is a lie and pure moitze shem ra. The Mashpia who said this is obviously not with the program. 2. The problem of watching movies is just as prevailant with girls as it is with boys, so don’t pin it on the boys as their issue. 3. Your not looking into the right caliber of Bochurim… Read more »

not all bochurim
Guest
not all bochurim

i am a bochur in latter 20s. i do not watch movies. i am working and have not been full time in yeshiva since my early 20s, but do my best to keep to halacha and take the chassidus i learn to heart, and do chitas etc. in other words i am not what many would think of when they think of a stereotypical chassidishe bochur, however i do not watch movies. I think this is over all due to having spent my child and teenagehood in a loving chassidishe home full of light. this helped me to overcome peer… Read more »

no, u r not asking too much at all
Guest
no, u r not asking too much at all

empty vessels make the most noise giving u the wrong impression that most boys r like that. take heart…be”H u will be zocher to get one of the many who unwind in kosher ways and be”H soon. Perhaps the shadchanim have a hard time getting rid of them so they offer them first, again giving u the wrong impression that they are mostly like that. B”H there are many wonderful Lubavitcher bachurim all over the world who wouldn’t be able to watch even if they desperately wanted because their schedules are overflowing, if not with learning and Chitas, then with… Read more »

Question
Guest
Question

Where does instagram fall into the pic?
I know many “chassidish” girls that will never consider marrying a guy that watches movies yet they spend hours on instagram stalking guys and g-d knows what..

Israeli bochurim
Guest
Israeli bochurim

Try the more chassidishe of the Israeli bochurim. Over there movies are less of a “thing” and so much easier to find bochurim who are totally disconnected from such things.

Bemused
Guest
Bemused

Isn’t it funny how we’re all boiling over with righteous indignition over a bochur watching movies by writing pious comments on collive which just so happens to reside on the internet which happens to be just as bad if not worse than those movies…

Oh the irony of it all 😉

25 girl
Guest
25 girl

Ok sooooo to your point you make a very valid point however there are many girls and boys who are trying to reach that level and truly respect anyone that is at your level. I would say be open to compromise not on movies if that is important for you, however be open to people who may be struggling with things if overal they are an exceptional person;)

Not uncommon AT ALL!
Guest
Not uncommon AT ALL!

As the wife of BH someone who not only doesn’t watch movies but will not look at a clip with a woman in, I know for a fact that there are many, many bochurim who wouldn’t go near movies. Just like with other things, the loud ones get noticed and the ones that quietly do the right things, don’t get noticed and therefore seem to be the minority.
Hang in there, you will find who you deserve!

 Don't pay for wifi at home
Guest
Don't pay for wifi at home

If you don’t have wifi there won’t be a problem people enjoy watching movies at home so at least you’ll prevent problems.That’s what I learned with time

just sayin
Guest
just sayin

why do some people think bochurim have their heads buried in sforim 24/7 and then act surprised when they find out its not physically possible? try it for a day, or how about 8 years … I think your attitude might be a little more sympathetic.

Good bochurim out there
Guest
Good bochurim out there

Im todays age we live in terrible terible times. I woould say worse than 1930s and 1940s The girl is correct!!!! A bocbur who watches a movie nu maileh… But who watches movies today…today the bochurim watch adult in appropriate VERY VERY in appropriate movies and sites . What a shikereh Goi watched 40 years ago our bochurim and men are watching? Why do you ask Simple they have a huge yetzer Hora!!! Now.if they have cell phone iphone smartphones ..hello what do you think they are made of steel? EVEN the Mashpia has this Yetzer hora …and he may… Read more »

To the author
Guest
To the author

Movies are the smallest of your issues. There are guys and me being one of them who suffers with shmutz and lust addiction and yes I’m married and unfortunately my wife found out and boruch hashem I have found help in twelve step recovery it really works it’s like A.A. I’m grateful that even though I have this challenge it’s not a moral thing for me it’s a disease because I honestly tried stopping on my own but couldn’t. There is an organization called guardyour eyes and they helped me tremendously realize that I have a problem and for people… Read more »

You are lucky....
Guest
You are lucky....

If the only issue you find is that they watch movies. But then again, you like many others are calling some most or all. What about the many habitual smokers/drug users???? Yes boys – pot is a drug! Or those very lax in minyan? or davening all together? This list can go on endlessly. Obviously, you are referring to people not suitable for you. But give people a chance. Don’t believe everything you hear. Ask the boy you are dating and let him explain what he values. Your bashert will be right for you

I hated Television
Guest
I hated Television

I grew up in a home with a t.v. It had a terrible effect upon me. As a sensitive soul, I hated the violence and lewdness. But no matter how much I begged, my parents seemed to want it. Even the news and commercials bothered me. As the social scientist McClure asserts, the medium is the message.
Although you may feel less sophisticated not watching movies it is important to replace that with a different way to relax.
Over time, passively accepting these messages will lead to spiritual apathy, fostered by neurons firing where you don’t want (figuratively).

It's possible to stop
Guest
It's possible to stop

My husband was a Bochur who watched some movies… it was ok in his house. He was chassidish, a good learner, and kind. He was willing to not watch anymore once he got married, and he kept his word. A solid happy marriage can ground a person into the person they really are, and who they want to be. Your standards are great. My advice to you is that if a bochur sounds good (other then an occasional video) meet him and see if he’s willing to commit to not having them in marriage, to truly building a chassidishe binyan… Read more »

no movies but doesn't like me super tzniut
Guest
no movies but doesn't like me super tzniut

my hubby is not only a loving spouse but a really great guy and very frum in most matters. he doesn’t watch movies nor does he have the time to as he uses any spare moment for family time or learning torah and chassidus. but he asks me to dress more modern because that’s what he personally finds more attractive. does that sound like cognitive dissonance? what must i do? i want my husband to find me attractive so i dress the way he likes with a little bit of pushing the boundaries… he says that that there are different… Read more »

to#17
Guest
to#17

get rid of the chip on your shoulder about being a BT. it is ok. gezehe is great but so what.. why are you always including gezeh in every comment of yours?

Do NOT give up!!!
Guest
Do NOT give up!!!

You are totally right!!!
If A movie watcher is not what you want- and correctly so than do NOT give in to it.
And it doesn’t matter how many bochurim do , or don’t, there are plenty that don’t and you only need one!
Stick to it!
Stay strong!
Your marriage will be better
Your family will be way more solid!
Dismissing this casually is not what you want for YOUR family.
No matter how many others stopped caring.

Don’t compromise if it means a lot to you
Guest
Don’t compromise if it means a lot to you

Being someone who is moderately religious, Not sure I would not want to marry someone with higher standards who expects more of me and would not be able to relate to each other. It seems as if a husband watching movies really bothers you so this shouldn’t be compromised because to you it is very important. You’re entitled to your standards and lifestyle choices and to marry someone with the same ones.

Do not compromise!!!
Guest
Do not compromise!!!

Anyone telling you to is already desensitized.
You BH aren’t, and you wouldn’t want that for your family so do not give in! It would be a lifetime of pain for you that will not be good for your marriage or children.

Holy
Guest
Holy

PS for all those chassidish girls with Instagram account,it’s just as bad as movies, don’t convince your self that you’re so holy and that it’s all the bochurim fault,k!

to number 28
Guest
to number 28

as someone who has struggled with “movie addiction” now im married with kids (im a woman) it is NOT trivial! it affects every aspect of your life, the way you think, the way you talk, the way you look at the world. i wish i had never watched a movie in my life. it is VERY hard to stop for some people and it can DEFINITELY affect your life. and yes i have tuition bills and kids climbing the walls but this is a very big problem for me and my husband, we both struggle with this, it wastes huge… Read more »

Tough call
Guest
Tough call

Am married 30+ yrs. My husband was considered a chassidish guy, but watched/ listened to sports, occasional movie on an airplane, or other rare opportunity. It bothered me to my core, as I was so against it. Bh today he has matured and through daily shiurim and chassidus, he is more chassidish than me. So there is hope for someone to change and grow if basically they have strong hashkafos. Of course you can’t rely on it, but don’t write someone off.

#59! We want more
Guest
#59! We want more

To #59

I found your comment to be the most interesting and relevant comment!

I’d love to hear more from you. Can you please elaborate? You sound very well grounded emotionally and Halacha/chassidishkeit-wise.

Perhaps an op-ed?

Wow
Guest
Wow

I can’t believe this article, it’s a waste of time and such a minute thing in the big picture of marriage.

Gossip Girl xoxo
Guest
Gossip Girl xoxo

Honey good luck on your quest. Let me know when you find the bochur whoג€™s chill w you writing op Edג€™s on col and doesnג€™t watch movies. If you think a guy is gonna sit in front of a screen on a plane for 10 hours and do Chitas then youג€™re living in a fictional reality. Come join join us on the other side – itג€™s called life

Used To watch
Guest
Used To watch

Maybe date the guy who watches. When the topic comes up, speak your mind and tell him what you think. He may agree with you, or he may agree not to watch anything once he gets married. I know a lot of. Guys who stopped watching once they got married.

Just saying
Guest
Just saying

Of course you should hold out for what you want in a husband, I’m just wondering if you are perfect yourself? Many girls today expect a perfect guy and don’t think for a second that this will be a give and take relationship and not only ‘what and how can my husband please me’

Innocent bystander
Guest
Innocent bystander

Number one. If you had not mentioned a husband looking across the street etc I would have thought you were basically a frum girl. However I agree with some of the others who said you need counseling. How could you possibly have a life if you don’t want your husband to look away from you for a moment. And of course I mean innocently
You have real issues and that sentence cancels out the movie watching alltogether
Please you are a smart girl – get help! Wishing you kol tuv

Sorry not watching movies hurts the marriage.
Guest
Sorry not watching movies hurts the marriage.

In today’s world husband’s who don’t watch movies, don’t come home till late. Reason is it’s boring what is a couple supposed to do together will all that extra time. It’s called hanging out in the coffee room at kollel with his friends. Movies is something that helps relationships, you can watch movies together.
Also surprisingly there are many of guys that watch because they bochirim with extra time on their hand, and if you ask them to stop when you get married they will.

Don't Compromise but don't look down
Guest
Don't Compromise but don't look down

If I have learned anything, it’s doing look down on others if they do watch movies. Exposing yourself to movies is really just a chumra, it’s not a halacha and it’s not worth making others feel bad over. The other thing I have learned living in a large established Chabad community, is that established means you have people coming from all backgrounds. Gezhe, baal teshuva, gerim, and they are all on their own path and they are still great people. If you grow up in the velt with movies, yes it’s very hard to stop, it’s even harder when you… Read more »

Betrayal
Guest
Betrayal

From what you write it sounds like you were betrayed and you are now wondering whether you should marry someone who chooses to believe in the same stuff as you do and continue to act in a betrayed manner for the rest of your life

My sister told me I will never find
Guest
My sister told me I will never find

I had the same issue when I was starting out on Shidduchim and one of my sister’s wanted to set me up with a Rosh Yeshiva’s daughter etc. “but she does watch movies” my sister mentioned to me. I told her I was not interested etc. “but you are not going to find a girl who does not watch movies etc.” Boruch Hashem, I am very happily married now with children and I could not have asked for more. Stay STRONG, STEADFAST and ENERGIZED with your resolve and you WILL find a sincere Tomim who practices and follows our Rebbe’s… Read more »

Larry
Guest
Larry

Movies is what your problem is today. And besides if you want someone who does not watch movies those type of boys Do not want for the girl to have a computer either a computer brings a lot more harm if you’re going down that road. And it seems to me you have a computer

You Cannot Have it Both Ways
Guest
You Cannot Have it Both Ways

If you want a guy who does not watch movies; do not expect him to put up the toilet seat either.
After all marriage is all about compromise.

You are Right
Guest
You are Right

You absolutely do not have to lower your standards. If something is important to you you should hold your ground. Of course there is modernization. Of course watching movies is normalized in this day and age but even so. When the right person presents themselves they will be right for you in all aspects.

Rabbi Braun
Guest
Rabbi Braun

According to Rabbi Braun, there are Jewish websites that are from the lowest places a Lubavitcher could be going to. If you are visiting these sites then…….

We all sin differently. Choose the ones that you are willing to accept in a spouse and the ones that are red lines. Hatzlocho raba umflogo.

your right but
Guest
your right but

i agree with you and its unfortanate but if you worried about voilance then also these jewish movies like green tech shouldnt be allowed

To NUMBER 2
Guest
To NUMBER 2

This is what you wrote “And your expectations are a little too demanding”………what kind of RIDICULOUS statement is that?
Many intelligent goyim understand how this is bad for you and for that reason do not have a TV etc. in their own house this is just some random search on Google and you have Harvard studies inclusive etc. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/health-risk-of-watching-tv_us_56200c55e4b06462a13b5eb4
For a Chabad person not to watch MOVIES is standard and basic for ANYONE who considers him/herself Chabad. The statistic/fact that so many Chabadniks do watch doesn’t make it more of a CHABAD minhag etc.

Amen
Guest
Amen

B”H I’m a Bal Chuvah and I’ve been to and saw thousands of movies. I hope all of you believe me out there when I tell you you’re not missing anything. It is MAMISH a BIG GIANT waste of time. SUCH A BIG FAT KLIPAH AND YETZAH HORRAH !!! It is sad to hear that people like to go to movies )-: The Avishter should help us To be able to fight the temptation to JUST say NO!! Believe I said enough and I hope what I said inspires people out there not to never go to movies are such… Read more »

To #73
Guest
To #73

You’re husband sounds controlling. He should not dictate to you what your wardrobe looks like.

I’m boruch Hashem married to a fantastic woman. I did not think the woman I married would be strong in tznious and it wasn’t the biggest impediment when I dated. I am very lucky this happens to be something my wife is very strong in. Bottom line, it’s your body, he shouldn’t tell you to be less tznious.

To 73
Guest
To 73

Not simple. Your husbands wishes are important as are your tznius standards, which literally are the foundation of your Binyan addi ad.
Don’t seek advice on Collive
Ask a marriage counselor/mashpia , someone you are comfortable with. There are many caring people who can help you figure it out.
To Collive, maybe you can help by posting contact information for people who can help with this, I personally know some and I would recommend but not publicly as I do not know if they wish for that.

Life is a two way street
Guest
Life is a two way street

The Truth is that what the Auther is writing about is just a sad reality that came about once there was a portable screen (think ipod, then iphone..) and yes I can say sadly Most bochrim watch albeit a couple times a year movies and it’s all part of yeridas hadoros. Now to the many other points that the author made I would like do dissect them a bit. 1) Your blowing the issue way out of proportion a, because watching movies is a symptom not the reality meaning that he could be watching it simply because he’s NOT Frum… Read more »

To #92
Guest
To #92

That is very harsh.
I know many men that are very active in household activities and are not wasting their time with movies.

I have also noticed many times that the boys who don’t are much more refined,caring,and kind.

LYR
Guest
LYR

So happy i have a flip phone

#73
Guest
#73

Your marriage is important and so are the values you show your kids ( if you have any) There are ways to satisfy your husbands desire for a trendy wife other then lack of tznius dress in public. I’m sure if you are a wise woman you can discuss discreetly with a wise woman perhaps a mashpia or someone private and older then you ( your husband doesn’t have to know) and you will look the way he wants in a modest way and he will be so proud of you. It is not a discussion to have with friends.… Read more »

From a movie it gets worse!!!
Guest
From a movie it gets worse!!!

The very sad thing about most bochurim these days is that they all have smartphones in their pockets, and they can watch movies any time, and from watching movies it gets even worse…

Ylg
Guest
Ylg

How olds this girl because if shes 25 – 33 ill date her if she wants.

I’m a Bachur
Guest
I’m a Bachur

I’ve come to realize the bad effects of movies and have not watched for over 4 years the problem you may see in me is that my dress is not holding to your standard

2 11 and 36/ thanks for showing your am haraatzus
Guest
2 11 and 36/ thanks for showing your am haraatzus

torahdike expectations are too demanding? movies are a haskafic issue and not a halachik one? what??? what about the mitzva of lo sosuru? what about the fact that every rav paskened (including the frideker rebbe) that watching/reading romance and philosophy is assur? a husband must have eyes only for his wife, yes! watching movies which set an unreal standard for beauty and looking at things hes not supposed to look at in the street does lessen the teiyerkeit of his wife! and yes, rav moshe feinstein paskened that there is no such thing as fun for the sake of fun… Read more »

To comment #100
Guest
To comment #100

All shes saying by that line is that if they’re looking “outside” for fulfillment in their marriage, then they aren’t commited to her. I think you may have blown it out of proportion.

Tzippy
Guest
Tzippy

Please call me, I have a Bochur who is Chassidish and does not watch movies or any videos,. Please call me at 1718-774-9313. Or at my office in the morning 1718-422-8633 between
9-2 PM.

Amazing
Guest
Amazing

These type of articles get 200 entertaining comments, I think tonight I’m going to skip the movies and read these comments instead, better go buy some popcorn…

These comments can get way too out of hand...
Guest
These comments can get way too out of hand...

It is clear from some of the comments that there is some serious need to broaden knowledge with the issues with this halachically.

Instead of bringing this up to a world of people’s opinions, perespectives, and feelings about this, talk to your Mashpia and/or close friends.

@number48
Guest
@number48

Well said. Hatzlacha!

Lol
Guest
Lol

When the comments are more interesting than the actual a article… I honestly don’t see what’s wrong in watching a documentary. I would marry someone who watches movies but agrees to stop

To the writer #100
Guest
To the writer #100

A Tzadik Sheino Gamur And the Benini will not check out the distractions across the Street according to Tanya. However i do agree that most people are not either. However, your argument that that guy who looks across the street is probably holier doesn’t seem like twisted logic and a i am certain your “application” of the story or the Kuntrs is not accurate.

Bottom line
Guest
Bottom line

Is that you should not compromise on something that’s so important to you- especially when it’s also so important to the Rebbe and according to Torah and halacha.

You’re absolutely right that the more outside influences you allow into your home will weaken your marriage and home.
The less you allow in and focus on yiddishkeit will definitely serve to brighten your home, and strengthen your marriage, your children and their upbringing.
I’m impressed that this author is realizing this. Yasher koach

Confused, makes no sense
Guest
Confused, makes no sense

So what you’re saying is that if your future husband looks across the street it’s a straight device…

To #114 and in general advise
Guest
To #114 and in general advise

See kuntres hoavoda by the Rebbe RSH”B Perek Bais the first two paragraphs beiker the second for you answer. Pretty sharp words over there.
Bichlal kuntres hoavoda and kuntres hatfila are good life guides for men (it will also give you a good understanding of the movie issue even classics let alone what’s in movies today from what bochrim tell me)

From a local mashpia

For those looking for entertainment
Guest
For those looking for entertainment

Instead of watching the garbage out there, why not go to gruntig.net, a website that has tons of videos of basically kosher entertainment. And let’s not forget Chabad.org and torahcafe.com and listen to loads of educational and often entertaining videos. Many of Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson’s videos are extremely entertaining besides them being meaningful!
You could be Frum, Chassidish and still relax with kosher entertainment.

Yes it is important
Guest
Yes it is important

When a person watches movies, they get used to certain ideas.

They hear unclean language.
They see women who are not dressed to their necks and knees.
They learn an unhealthy, unrealistic idea of romance and marriage.

Many hanochos characterised in a movie will be at odds with the Yiddishe perspective. Someone who subjects himself to this experience will not notice their mindset shifting.

You are to be commended for keeping firm on these principles. Yes, look for someone who is careful with this.

You will find the mate who shares your respect for loshon, tznius and family.

PLEASE READ
Guest
PLEASE READ

Col can post this as a response if they find it suitable- Ms. Author, assuming you’re reading this I want to reply. I’m a 20 yr old bochur. I only looked @ the first few comments and being as they are not really all that helpful (or accurate) I feel the need to respond to you. First of all, I happen to love your article. You bring up something important and, weirdly, its a subject close to my heart. I was a heavy movie watcher, hiding that fact from my parents. My parents trusted me with unfiltered internet and I… Read more »

I give you a Bracha
Guest
I give you a Bracha

You marry someone that compliments you, wherever you are lacking he should help you and wherever he is lacking you should help him. You should love each other most importantly and respect each other. The idea of movies shouldn’t be as important as is it now because your mind should be filled with more important ideas like raising happy kids.

to 87
Guest
to 87

you honestly have no other way to spend quality time with your wife than watching movies?!!! Cant you go for a walk? cant you go outside and sit on a bench and enjoy the night air? cant you talk to each other? is there really nothing you want to share with her?

It’s a problem
Guest
It’s a problem

On one hand watching movies is wrong I’ll admit but everyone has their struggles but to compare it to tznius is wrong as one is Halacha versus hashkafa plus if a bocher is Chasidish in everything else and this is his only struggle you should realize when people are married they have less time to do this. So if the bocher is ready to drop it on marriage let him try before engaging if he could not watch for let’s say a week and then go out. As this is important but not what shows on a persons hashkafa as… Read more »

To the author
Guest
To the author

With all due respect. The writer come across passionate about chinuch! This isn’t my field so what I say won’t be able to answer you on that level, but I come here as a friendly advocate. Having friends in lubavitch, litvisher, and not yet religious there are many from each group who have no interest in watching movies and some that have this struggle. Torah teaches us הוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות, ואל תדין את חבירך עד שתגיע למקומו. As a bochur in the twenties the doesn’t watch movies, it is needles to say that a person that… Read more »

it is halacha
Guest
it is halacha

not sure why anyones saying this is just hashkafa , and not Halacha.
it is assur, according to shulchan aruch to look at inappropriate things, and it definitely has an affect on the person whether that person realizes or not. (of course they usually don’t realize)
walk into any school…even preschool and you will be able to identify which kids come from a movies home, and which don’t. its sad but its reflected in the way they talk, play and attitude.

I only watch historical things...
Guest
I only watch historical things...

…Like Vikings, the Last Kingdom, etc. It’s good education about the world. Also, there are more important things to look for in a spouse, like if they are kind, smart, capable, loving, etc.

125
Guest
125

i only do averos someimes. going to bars is good education about the world. also, there are more important things to look for in a spouse like if they are kind, smart, capable, loving, etc.

who cares if they are frum?

derech eretz kadma ltorah.

do you realize how apikorsish you sound?

please rethink your views. hatzlocho

stam
Guest
stam

it really all depends which movies, documentaries being the best and romance/violence being the worst

Yes you are perfect for a bochur who struggles
Guest
Yes you are perfect for a bochur who struggles

Let me explain. According to Rashi Yackov got punished for hiding Deena from Aisav with shcem capturing Deena. Why? Yackov had legitamite concerns wouldnt we all hide our daughters lfrom Aisav?! The answer Deena could have returned Aisev to the good way. I could say every chabad bochur cant be as bad as Eisav!

3 things
Guest
3 things

With regard to watching movies and partaking of goyishe culture in general, I believe it I useful to break this down by three factors. 1) The content 2) the medium 3) the habit. All three have dangers and risks independent of the other two, and may apply even if the content is pareve or even holy. Be honest with yourself and Try to find someone who aligns with your values.

a picture can wipe out a 1000 maamorim
Guest
a picture can wipe out a 1000 maamorim

if one takes ones learning to heart…
the above can indeed happen.
(which proves that what the eye sees, the heart wants)
may be unaware of this as it affects the unconscious.

if one does take ones learning to heart…
one would not crave shtus (one’s eyes would open to the reality of it being, indeed exactly that, shtus.

Only boys?
Guest
Only boys?

You make it sound like it’s a problem with boys. Let me tell you, there PLENTY of good chassidehshe girl who watch movies as well.

Being a frum Jew is a full time job!
Guest
Being a frum Jew is a full time job!

Anything inappropriate can and will jump to mind when you want to pray or do mitzvot with kavanah. Will your children have to wait for Aba while he watches a “documentary”? Do not settle for less than what you know is what Hashem wants!!

The author could be me
Guest
The author could be me

I feel like the author could have taken the words out of my mouth and thoughts from my head. This is exactly the issue I am facing now as an early 20 year old girl and facing the world of shidduchim. Yes I have watched movies in the past and worse, but since seminary I have worked to stay away from such shtus with relative success. But now I am quite disheartened to hear the same as you “that all chassidish boys do it”

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