By Rabbi Zalman Goldberg
Common wisdom says that the clarity that one gets from a photo equals a thousand words of explanation and description.
When it comes to shidduchim, however, it seems that the introduction of pictures has created more confusion than clarity, and is more of a hindrance than a help to succeeding in a shidduch.
While there certainly is a lot one can derive from a picture, if the usage of pictures as a source of information is overused (or some might say ‘abused’), the suggestion will most probably become irrelevant as far as shidduchim is concerned.
For starters, even if the picture wasn’t touched up or altered – how would anyone know – people often dress up or pose for a picture, in which case it is obvious that you will not necessarily see the person the way s/he is naturally, when not on a showcase. These pictures are surely usable and beneficial, but the information one can derive will be quite limited, much less than a thousand words.
Then we have some people who are just not photogenic, and as good looking as they are in reality, somehow the pictures just don’t reflect their true looks. What a shame it would be to give up a potential great marriage because of the picture, when the photo is simply doing a poor job. (I am not suggesting a disclaimer for non-photogenic people).
Then there is the concern of who is viewing the profile photo and making the decision. In general it will be less of a distraction if the one viewing the picture is the representative of the individual in discussion and not the individual her/himself. This is compounded when it comes to the male counterparts of the shidduch scene, for a picture can pose a strong distraction after which it will be much more difficult to approach the suggestion with a clear thought process. (Sorry guys, just the facts).
So to summarize, if the picture is being viewed with discretion and the viewer is keenly aware that the amount of information might be quite limited and the viewer is completely objective, then a picture can be quite helpful. A thousand words of clarity? Maybe not, but some clarity of the reality will result. But if, for example, you have a young man himself viewing a picture of a young woman who clearly dressed up for the occasion, there will be a thousand words, no doubt. But they will be words of fantasy and illusion, shedding no light or clarity at all on the individual.
Being that the value of profile photos has become way overrated in past years, it has out shadowed a far more powerful tool, which we will call ‘the human experience’.
Let us take a step back. Due to the resumes and especially the pictures becoming a huge factor in deciding whether or not to meet the other (I have found this by both genders), it often happens that when shadchonim/os will suggest a really good shidduch, one of the trivialities which may prevent the couple from meeting will be the picture. On top of all we wrote before, there is tremendous value in actually meeting, for the feeling and understanding you can get about a person at such a time is an experience for which there is no substitute. So if a picture is worth a thousand words, than meeting a person is a chapter or perhaps closer to the clarity you get after reading a book. Of course not everyone is so open at first and not everyone is so good at grasping the individual they are meeting just by meeting once, but the human experience is nonetheless far more valuable and telling than merely a lifeless picture.
I am NOT suggesting to meet anyone who is suggested because of the clarity one can get from meeting. Rather after doing proper research and confirming that it truly is a good suggestion, don’t ruin the situation by making the picture the deciding factor. Don’t rob yourself of a chance to meet a wonderful individual due to picture incompatibility. Discover the beauty of the human experience, and the chances are high that you will be very satisfied with your findings.
Rabbi Zalman Goldberg has helped scores of individuals find clarity and thus success in shidduchim, among other areas in life. Rabbi Goldberg can be contacted by email [email protected], or by calling 347-546-4402. When you are ready to turn on the light of clarity, Rabbi Goldberg will be delighted to assist you.
Not to brag or anything,but Baruch hashem I was bentched with looks. Obviously I try not to flaunt it or anything, but it’s there. The only thing is, I’m incredibly unphotogenic. Every angle makes me look unflattering and not so nice. Point is, the amount of rejections I’ve gotten because of my photogenicy is sad. People shouldn’t base off of looks – especially not a picture which doesn’t even show the truth.
You have some very valid points. From personal experience though, I can tell you that I met my wife because of a picture. My mother – she should be gezunt – was looking at pictures that my sister took of camp. One of the fellow counselors caught my mother’s eye because of her eidelkeit and chain that shone through even a picture. Baruch hashem, we have been happily married for a bunch of years Baruch hashem.
Dear Rambam Yid, How are YOU familiar With Magazines?! And You Are talking About Pritzus?! Loi yistakeil Derech Znus – is shaichus by a Date More then By Picturs!! It means very simple: What is Your interest, And What are You Looking For – but it has nothing to do AT ALL with pictures or Not Pictures!!! Maybe we should do like Satmar Does: That The Parents From Both Sides Decide the Shiduch – and the bochur and the girl just meet ONES in the dining room for a short while – and not alone!!!…
To send boys a catalogue/menu of profiles together with pictures of girls to decide which looks prettiest is actually borderline pritzus. Although it is important to be attracted, the boy can decide that at the time he meets. Even regarding that the Rambam says,”lo yistakel derch znus…” So first a boy (or preferably his parents) should be sent the information. Then after choosing the most suitable in terms of charachter, his parents (or him if he feels he must) can request a photo if absolutely needed before meeting. But to choose between photos first is not too much better than… Read more »
Sorry for you that your wife is not photogenic, But that’s not a reason to close off pictures…
at all. 🙁 But beautiful in real life.
If you base your decision to go out with a girl/boy based on a photo, then we are no different to any other dating, boy sees girl (or vice versa) he likes the look of and decides he wants to go out with her. Before photos became a thing, you may have met a boy/girl who, if you had seen a photo, would never have gone out with, but find you had such a great time with him/her that you agree to meet again and find that you look past your ideal look. What we have now is obviously not… Read more »
How I wish the Chabad community would make this the norm!!
You are obviously unaware of basic halala wich encourages the boy to see it the women is attractive in his eyes: see for example rambam hilchos isurei bia and more… please don’t make invalid or untrue claims in the sake of charidus
2 1/2 points: 1. Not everyone is photogenic 2. A good picture is most often misleading 3. After seeing the picture, the profile is ignored People will miss out on a really good shidduch by basing their descision on the picture. People most always post a picture that doesn’t portray what they really look like. (and vice versa, people post the most awful pictures thinking, they must post a picture). After seeing the picture? The (sucker) will ignore vital points of the profile (or all of it) and end up wasting everyones time persuing a fantasy picture painted by the… Read more »
If its the parents, its very helpful. We have a problem in Chabad that the parents don’t meet the prospective before their child does, as is done in other hareidi circles. And then our poor child has to desperately relate to his parents what the date was like to get the benefit of their wisdom. Sometimes when they cant make up their mind, the parent says ok so I will meet him/her for you. This should have been done first. At least now we have the picture so the parent can see how they choose to represent themselves. It is… Read more »
Because pictures give a certain Amount of information, but they don’t start attracting a person and make a Person Lose his head and his free choice. And videos and Skype Are The opposite! all Dow they give an amount of information, and More Than Pictures, but they still are not even close to the amount of information and recognition that a person gets while going out on a date. But it’s fools a person to think as he would’ve gotten the full information and recognition and feeling almost as he would’ve gone out on a date, and it is Totally… Read more »
Perhaps the real problem with shidduchim is the way people think they’re in a store choosing a piece of meat. Which one looks better, is more lean,better cut…… not only is it not tznius, I am sure it is a significant contributing factor to the Shidduch crisis. I don’t think a video clip is any better. Put in effort to do your homework, find out about him/her and then if you choose to do so, give them real “time of day” to see if this could work for you. If you can’t do this, you’re probably not ready to get… Read more »
I am a male and I remember in shidduchim I did not feel comfortable looking at pictures of girls. I asked shadchonim/os that if they would forward anything to please remove any pictures. However, many girls wanted a picture of me and I did not want to provide one. I remember in one instance a girl refused to move forward without one and I asked Horav Osdoba shlita and he told me to “put on my fancy bowtie and say cheese” and to go get married. Ironically, that particular young woman who wanted a picture actually refused to go out… Read more »
A ONE MINUTE VIDEO CLIP can tell a whole lot more then anplain cold dry picture can. A A ONE MINUTE VIDEO CLIP Can definitely represent a persons personality way more then a still photo A ONE MINUTE VIDEO CLIP can totally be the solution to this problem because we get to see who the people really are by them expressing themselves a bit. They say who they are. Using first names only so as not to be judges by their last name (opening the perimeters a bit wider, less filtering). And they don’t say their age. Again allowing more… Read more »
When sending a picute of yourself, to you its just yourself. To someone else who doesn’t know you, you may be giving off an impression based on that specific facial expression which doesn’t necessarily represent you. It’s just one moment snapped.
Well, I think every resume should come with a video! Wouldn’t that save us time??
Pictures can be frustrating because it’s not uncommon for the other side just to look at a picture and dismiss the entire suggestion. Many people are not open minded enough to look past it.
If I had seen a picture of my husband, I would never have gone out with him. Red curly hair and pale skin was so not my thing. 54 years,later my gray hair hunky husband is still the best. Kids today are dumb and have no idea what’s important.
If the only problems are, that the girls are dressed up by the pictures, and that some are not photogenic, so the solution is very simple: 1) tel the girls not to dress up for the pictures, 2) to have more than one picture – so you begin seeing more the truth. But why to run away from pictures completely – doesn’t it sound untruthful?… the girls dress up when they go out too!… The boys also dress up when they go out, don’t they?… so maybe they shouldn’t meet up for dates either?!… and the shadchonim should easily sell… Read more »
Shadchans are doing a mitzvah that they aren’t required to do. It’s a chesed. You remarks are unjustified and down right cruel. It only makes people reading it feel less unlikely to do this. You be surprised how many singles don’t follow with the shadchan
When we didn’t have photos part of the “resume”, we didn’t have a shidduch crisis like today. Pictures are obviously not being helpful to the situation…
So true ,I know some very pretty girls that are not photogenic, people must be open minded ….You could say no because of the picture but if you actually saw her would say yes
they should share pictures of how they will look 20 years later
a much better indicator
Don’t mean to bash but if i refuse to send a picture of my child in shidduchim then the person looking into my child will find a picture probably on social media etc. This is y i think that if asked for a picture better to give one that i know what it is instead of them finding one elsewhere. Anther issue i have is if i offer you a shidduch and u ask for the facebook profile and i say that person doesn’t have facebook, automatically the answer is not interested..Why does social media have to be a factor… Read more »
Nobody needs to ask for a picture anymore. Pictures of everybody are all Facebook and Instagram. Also – it’s 2018. It’s not helpful to write articles advocating we go back in time.
Make a standard for the pictures. I suggest passport or driver’s license photos, it’ll only get better from there.
I for one would not have even gone out with my husband if I saw his picture. I am happily married
as a bochur in the dating process where every date is a large cost both money and emotionally – it would be a waste of energy and money to go meet a girl who i find unattractive
i wonder if Rabbi Goldberg with all his theories would like to help pay for it all
You are clearly two guys, or maybe one, who are very much single (and not by choice). Your stupidity and ignorance shines.
Young men and women are not meat at the butcher. You can’t see a persons middos in a picture. Many happily married couples would never have gotten married if it was dependent on a picture. Lets talk to the couple and set them up because they appear matim.
Was much better before without pictures or resumes.
We just met and got to know each other without preconcieved idea.
We all managed to get married!
With pics and resumes so many potential good shidduchim are lost.
Now the emphasis is on looks and externals not pnimius.
With resumes for a job a succesful one is tailored to each job with certain things emphasized that is not looked for in another job. So too each shidduch would really need a seperate tailored resume.
This is not the best way and causes a shidduch crisis
Finally!! A breath of fresh air….. rabbi Goldberg ,you are making true and valid observations. Our Shidduch system has not gotten any better since the introduction of pictures. Bochurim that have pictures of girls on their phones,to peruse at their leisure,will. Ot be able to focus on anything else. Sometimes a mother wants to see a picture to get a general idea ,and especially if he Shidduch is a long distance one,that could prove helpful in some cases….but to make it a standard that a guy won’t meet a girl unless he sees and approves of a picture first…..??? Something… Read more »
I met a lovely vibrant young woman who I thought would be a good match for my friend’s son. I asked for her resume and forwarded it to my friend, not realizing that there was an awful photo attached! The boy was very upset that I suggested a girl “10 years older than him”. He was 24, she was 22, but really did look like a 34yr old in that photo. Photos can be deceiving. You may not be interested in a girl with flaming red hair, or curly black locks, but she’s going to cover her hair anyway. Meet… Read more »
You often judge people completely wrong from just 1 picture. Even in person until you’ve spoken the judgement is often off.
Only use pictures when the pros outweigh the cons.
Thank you Rabbi Goldberg for the straightforward and necessary words. I couldn’t agree more! I once went out with someone who really wasn’t attractive based on the photo… The shadchan was surprised when I gave it a go-ahead because of that. In person, hearing the way the person spoke and the content of what was said, the person became attractive. A profile describes only parts of a person. A few words to describe one, and his photo cannot possibly encapsulate the complexity that is a person. Only once you meet a person can you get a feel for the energy… Read more »
What are you suggesting?
The contents of the article is sound. But it shouldn’t lead to the elimination of pictures in resumes. Perhaps the article could/should be used to help shed the proper light on HOW the picture should be viewed and how to interpret it. In that regard, this article is very useful. Jmho
Just putting this out there, but there are other reasons to see a picture. Just recognizing whom you are picking up is one….
If someone says no because the picture it probably wouldn’t work out anyways
The pictures are the least of the problems. Start looking at what the potential boy/girl posts on line on social media. It is often a real eye opener & can be tremendously helpful in viewing how people choose to show their true colors.
Maybe we need to reevaluate the entire process
BS”D It seems to me that it all starts with a picture, irregardless if it is ones best pose, how much difference could there be between the pic and realty in an up to date pic
Thank you Rabbi Goldstein for your inspirational outlook on shidduchim
If someone decides not to date someone because of a picture I think the person in the picture is actually dodging the bullet
Thank you rabbi Goldstein,your words of wisdom and deep sense of sensitivity,help me in my search for my basshert,I hope all can gain from your advice!
Thank you!!
Rabbi Goldberg, very wise words. Thank you.
personally i find a picture only good to a get a general idea, so I know if it’s worth while, but for sure not the main reason to say yes or no, rather I find it a way to save in meeting someone you know for sure wouldn’t work out, and to give you a better idea for a possible match, regardless of the above mentioned this does not apply to everyone as well, for some it makes it easier for some confusing.
The logic is flawed, people don’t show up on dates in their pyjamas, they come dressed up, made up etc.
the fact is that pictures have become part of the profile process, it’s just the way it is
a picture is not just about looks
You can see a lot from a picture, even the picture chosen says a lot
Maybe you can work with people to have the confidence to put their picture out there
Hey, not to make an official response etc. yet to disagree with this article, and any other one claiming to state “rules” in the proces of dating. THERE ARE NO RULES! that perhaps is the greatest rule in shiduchem. each person has their way to approach candidate. A shadchan even a mshpia or how ever you unqualified people call yourself, remember what your job is, simply to provide names or information on to the boy or girl no ingenious advice necessary! There is no corse or trading a shadchan has or needs its their personal biased advice. Which is not… Read more »
So well said and so true.
A true inspiration and a man who has a head on his shoulders