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Wednesday, 14 Tammuz, 5779
  |  July 17, 2019

    In This Story, the Agunah Was Me

    Response op-ed: A Jewish woman shares her personal journey through a difficult marriage, calling it like "being locked up in a cell." Full Story

    Following Fire, A Safety Campaign

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    So proud of you!!
    Guest
    So proud of you!!

    Thank you yehudis for shining light on this important issue!!! Much love from boston!!
    Chava Bolotin

    Bravo!
    Guest
    Bravo!

    Thank you!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    That’s all. Just, thank you, Yehudis.

    THANK YOU
    Guest
    THANK YOU

    THANK YOU YEHUDIS! AND THANK YOU COLLIVE!

    Chana Zelda Weiss
    Guest
    Chana Zelda Weiss

    Powerfully written! Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it can help someone who is still going through this.

    Yosef
    Guest
    Yosef

    Wow! Great op-ed!
    Any type of abuse in our Jewish community needs to be abolished. Period.

    Wow!
    Guest
    Wow!

    Good for you in writing this! This is the truth. No women can be chained. It’s okay women don’t worry so much about the get …get over it find a career…it’s no big deal you don’t need a man….NO THIS IS NOT TRUE!! HASHEM MADE A HALACHA OF A GET FOR A REASON NOT BECAUSE ITS NOT NEEDED OR A BIG DEAL!!!

    אמת
    Guest
    אמת

    Thank you for speaking truth!

    amazing amazing
    Guest
    amazing amazing

    so well said. thank you.
    the previous article was so shameful

    Grateful for this! And for you!
    Guest
    Grateful for this! And for you!

    Thank you for your courage.

    Well done
    Guest
    Well done

    You are so brave to post like this. Thank you for standing up for Agunos

    My hero!
    Guest
    My hero!

    Yasher koiach Yehudis. May Hashem give you the strength to fight the good fight always

    member of the Yehudis Fan Club
    Guest
    member of the Yehudis Fan Club

    Yehudis, thank you for speaking up on behalf of ungetted women. I’m so glad that you’ve been freed from the tragedy of being chained. Thank you for being here to help those who are still living with the pain of being ungetted. We can’t take compassion and generosity for granted, your heart is huge!!!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Thank you COL for posting this and to Yehudis for being so brave. You should be blessed with only happiness!

    Thank you! Finally someone addressing the real issues here.
    Guest
    Thank you! Finally someone addressing the real issues here.

    Thank you for giving a voice to those who need to be heard. Best wishes on your journey.
    – from a fellow Chabadnik who cares
    PS I was shocked and dismayed at some of the vitriol and libelous comments published on Collive in regards to previous articles on this topic. They showed zero empathy or understanding of the issues that need addressing within the community. They insulted and disparaged people trying to help fellow Jews who are suffering. They made me feel ashamed to belong to a community who call themselves frum and followers of the Rebbe.

    Kol Hakavod
    Guest
    Kol Hakavod

    Thank you for sharing. May you be bentched with bracha, hatzlacha, nachas, and mazal.
    And may we hear good news from all agunahs very soon.

    This is exactly wat I wanted to hear
    Guest
    This is exactly wat I wanted to hear

    the love, truth , kindness, and power from a survivor…you are a thousand times more stronger than any haters words, this kind of beauty will bring back those we lost and hopefully create wonderful kids in the future

    How brave
    Guest
    How brave

    thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    The voice of reason! What a breath of fresh air!

    WOW
    Guest
    WOW

    Wow! Your story really touched me. Beautifully written. What a courageous thing to do to share it!!! Y’shar koyach!

    you are amazing
    Guest
    you are amazing

    you’ve gotten a lot of flack for taking the stance that you’ve taken. i don’t agree with all of the things that you believe in but i respect you for having such great intentions and standing up for the greater good

    Ilana Spencer
    Guest
    Ilana Spencer

    Thank you for speaking words of truth and wisdom in a sad sea of ignorance and damage. And thank you for being brave.

    Chanie
    Guest
    Chanie

    finally some sense has been spoken!

    Thank you for publishing
    Guest
    Thank you for publishing

    These women like Yehudis are what we should be rallying for b’achdus!

    yes!
    Guest
    yes!

    Thank you for sharing your story. May every woman who is chained be free from her prison immediately!
    Maggie Gertel

    Your story moved me to tears!!!
    Guest
    Your story moved me to tears!!!

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    We will not be bullied is right. Thanks for speaking the truth in support of all agunos

    Words of truth...
    Guest
    Words of truth...

    Thank you Yehudis for bringing out the truth and standing up for all the Agunahs out there. This article came just in time. The previous article was beyond shameful. Going through a divorce now that article hit me hard. No one should judge what other go through since no one really knows. Is never excusable for a man to disrespect his wife. A man has the Halachic and moral obligation to be there for her and respect her. Least we can do is be there for the other agunahs when they are alone and show support. Way to go Yehudis… Read more »

    thanks for posting
    Guest
    thanks for posting

    glad to see something true and honest. People need to realize the problem for us to fix it.

    So proud of you Yehudis
    Guest
    So proud of you Yehudis

    Finally COLLIVE has published something decent after the other two PATHETIC articles. I was in an abusive, codependent for 3 years. BH, I didn’t have children w/ him & was able to start over again. But the scars were there & took a long time to heal. I hate when people have opinions about things they know nothing about. I don’t wish bad on anyone. If any of the people who were anti the protest had experienced or knew someone that experienced domestic abuse, they would be singing a different song. Abuse victims are so silenced by their abusers, ostracized… Read more »

    Ofra Baum
    Guest
    Ofra Baum

    How proud I am to stand with people (women) who lift their heads high in the face of terror and abuse.

    Beautiful!
    Guest
    Beautiful!

    Thank you for sharing!! Hope this article helps others in need..

    Your bravery is awesome !!!
    Guest
    Your bravery is awesome !!!

    Thank You !!!
    And for those still skeptic – consider a scenario where that young woman may have possibly not been strong enough and actually went back for “shalom Bayis”, cooked that supper and had more babies, only to have to go through this process again years later…

    Consistent clear voice
    Guest
    Consistent clear voice

    I have to say Yehudis I have been following your words the past two months and I appreciate your consistency and non negative stance on things. More a no nonsense policy and you dont let your emotions get a hold of you. I know you don’t know all the facts and hear mostly one side of the story but I see you are not stupid and see through some of lies. I wish you much hatzlocha in your new life. Thank you for a beautiful article. I think it is important for people to learn what abuse really means.

    Freda Werdiger Rothschild
    Guest
    Freda Werdiger Rothschild

    Thank-you, Yehudis, you brave woman.

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    This is honest, raw and beautiful. Men who use Halacha as a weapon are evil. Thank you for being a comfort to all the existing agunaha out there.

    Wow!!!
    Guest
    Wow!!!

    You are a brave hero, and role model !!!
    Hopefully this will inspire others to speak up
    Wishing all those chained a speedy redemption

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting.

    Beautifully written
    Guest
    Beautifully written

    Thank you for writing such a poignant piece. As a woman who recently recieved a Get, I also had no idea when/if it was going to happen. It is a very vulnerable and scary experience. But a person shouldn’t have to be in our shoes to understand how awful waiting for a Get is. Every man/woman should feel for chained women as if she is their sister.

    Brave woman
    Guest
    Brave woman

    You expressed yourself with sincerity and dignity.
    May you be blessed by Hashem for being a support to those forgotten!

    I applaud you.
    Guest
    I applaud you.

    Cheers to being sincere and truthful. May we hear of only good things.

    Well said!
    Guest
    Well said!

    giving voice and perspective to a real issue in our community

    So powerful
    Guest
    So powerful

    I can feel the winds of change beginning to blow through Crown Heights. Hopefully soon it will be powerful enough to break the chains that are strangling so many amazing women.

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Such raw honesty…we live in 2015- zero tolerance for abuse of any kind!!!

    wow!
    Guest
    wow!

    What a breath of fresh air! Wishing you only happiness and Mazal!

    thank you!!
    Guest
    thank you!!

    Thank you for saying this!!! I hope some ppl begin to understand. ..

    Sending hugs to #30
    Guest
    Sending hugs to #30

    Thank you for adding to the beauty of truth spoken from the heart.

    Chana
    Guest
    Chana

    Powerful, incredible article. Thanks for sharing your experience. An agunah I know described her three years of waiting for her gett like living in a hamster wheel. She had to keep going through life but with no idea of a way out she felt like she was just running in hopeless circles.
    Please Hashem, redeem all the women and men who are waiting to be freed. Immediately.

    Kol hakavod to you!
    Guest
    Kol hakavod to you!

    Kudos to you Yehudis for speaking your heart and for not hiding behind an anonymous post. Keep strong.

    Thank you collive for publishing a well written and finally sensible article on the issue

    Mimi

    beautifully expressed
    Guest
    beautifully expressed

    Respectfully, honestly. In awe of your journey, your strength, your truth. Keep speaking, keep writing.

    Chana Lew

    thank you
    Guest
    thank you

    Well said and beautifully written.

    huh?
    Guest
    huh?

    in all honesty why do you think Aliza does not take your plight seriously? where inthe article does she come across uncompassionate. Personally, i know Aliza and she had a difficult life herself and has many challenges today as well. all the bashing from the comentators / well that is not coming from a very good heart as well. i see it that she is just trying to help ease your pain by refocusing your plight that Hashem is running the world and not chas vsholom that you shouldnt do anything you can to get that get. she is also… Read more »

    Miri
    Guest
    Miri

    Yasher koach, Yehudis! Thank you for having the courage to post your story, particularly in light of the ignorant and hateful piece that was published earlier.

    Finally,some common sense
    Guest
    Finally,some common sense

    Shame on those who make life even more difficult for agunahs.

    Secular Divorces Can Last Years
    Guest
    Secular Divorces Can Last Years

    I don’t understand why Jewish women want to cut and run so badly. Due process takes time. You’re divorce last 11 months? Some custody battles last for years.

    This is why you should make good decisions.

    Wow 55
    Guest
    Wow 55

    Proving exactly why we need these issue corrected. Even if a custody case for some ridiculous reason needs to last for years… What does that have to do with a Gett? Are you saying a Gett should be withheld till custody is decided ? So use it as a tool? A bargaining chip? Blackmail?

    To 55: Apples and Oranges
    Guest
    To 55: Apples and Oranges

    Secular divorces on average least about a year. Custody battles can and do take places after the divorce. However, even in that similar time frame there is no possibility in secular law a divorce doesn’t happen. Whereas with Yehudis she did not know if she would receive the get. The truth is halacha is actually more quick about divorce than secular courts. For example if a couple mutually agrees they want a divorce (in such a case halacha says for any reasons) it can be done ASAP, where their civil divorce proceedings will take much longer.

    thank you!!
    Guest
    thank you!!

    Thank you for writing this! I don’t understand how people are blaming the victim.. Your voice needed to be heard!
    My mother was chained for 7 years, after enduring much abuse while married.. It was one of the hardest and most stressful times in our life. Waiting, and not knowing. For almost a decade. I’m so confused as to why people are justifying gett refusal.

    For the bottom of our families heart, thank you.

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Thank you for speaking up!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    I felt the same as you, being told I would never get my GET, and little and very expensive support from Rabbi’s.

    Thanks for describing our experience, so others can understand…and we are the lucky ones…I got my Get BH

    I feel you
    Guest
    I feel you

    I have been in an abusive relationship as well. T”G I have been able to get a Get pretty soon, but I was manipulated and chained in the marriage for 9 years until I finally had the courage to leave and build my life back up for myself and my children. For the people who don’t get it, Thank G-d that you haven’t been through it enough to understand. At the same time, please make the effort to open your mind and eyes to situations that others find themselves in. It is part of your world, part of your community… Read more »

    Thanks Yehudis
    Guest
    Thanks Yehudis

    ESPECIALLY (yep caps lock) for mentioning how the rabbonim were complicit — they were for me as well. Some of the most important (well, “self-important) names in Crown Heights laughed in my face and told me to go back to my abuser. I told them I was getting out and I did, thanks to the compassion and understanding of a (non-Lubavitch) rov in another community who couldn’t care less what my (BH!) ex’s last name was (and believe me, outside Lubavitch NO ONE cares who your zaidy was).

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    This is what needs to be heard!

    Truth shines
    Guest
    Truth shines

    Thank you and brave of you for sharing your name .

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    Thank you for saying your story. People should not think that being an agunah is not a big of a deal and take it lightly. This is a serious issue in our communities and it needs to be brought out.

    impressed
    Guest
    impressed

    I’m impressed by her article.
    I’m a man and I think there is a big problem with women being under the control and mercy of men.
    In today’s day and age,
    I don’t believe, according to Halacha, any women should have her life frozen still because of a man.
    I have daughters and will teach them that men are no better or more deserving than women.
    Halacha should free women, not make them prisoners of another human being.

    domestic abuse
    Guest
    domestic abuse

    domestic abuse is an experience that only few can describe, B”H . very difficult to understand what it means to be in captivity in your own home. It is a crime to send a women back for sholom bais in this situation. Different than all Sholom Bais issues , there are no two sides in abuse. the difficulties women are describing in obtaining a get are just one more reason women stay in abusive relationship, their self esteem is already at the lowest, who has strenght to fight like a lion for a right they deserve.

    People like You
    Guest
    People like You

    are what make me remain confident in the future of our people. Articles like the previous posted make me second guess my decision to enter this world – thank god the community has women with heads on straight and strong who know how to constantly question, and stand up for what’s right. Yasher koach to Yehudis for sharing her personal nightmare to stand up for what’s right and show true ahavas yisroel

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    Thank you for saying your story. People should not think that being an agunah is not a big of a deal and take it lightly. This is a serious issue in our communities and it needs to be brought out.

    to 55
    Guest
    to 55

    while secular divorces can last years, a secular divorce proceeding can be bifurcated and the divorce status entered after 6 months and 1 day (in California anyway) so that the parties can remarry if they choose. This can be done at the election of either party without the other party’s agreement. So, please know what you are talking about before you post. Thank you!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Thank you Yehudis for speaking up and sharing your experience which reflects the reality of so many women who have to wait for their get indeterminably, vulnerable to the whims of their husband and the opinions of the rabonim in charge. The system as is unfortunately allows personal abuse to thrive through the systemic abuse of Halacha. EVERYONE will benefit from the positive change that you are working for- families, children, husbands and wives.

    Advice
    Guest
    Advice

    How would you advise singles boys/girls to watch out for what went wrong and how was it so clear form the start that it was bad?

    What do you mean he was torturous…

    please teach the young men out there how they should treat there wife?

    Thank you

    Not Judging in any way just want to learn for us…
    Please be abit more informative for the help of the public.

    thank you!
    Guest
    thank you!

    Thank you for writing this. It is clear that the author of the other article has no clue what a marriage is if she thinks that woman who is stuck in a marriage is not chained bc she can go get a job…

    My hero!
    Guest
    My hero!

    Yasher koiach Yehudis. May Hashem give you the strength to fight the good fight always

    thank you!
    Guest
    thank you!

    Finally a normal person talking!!!

    HELLO
    Guest
    HELLO

    Everyone gets it!!! Everyone takes it seriously and feels compassionate for anyone that is suffering, no one took it lightly!!! I don’t see anywhere in the previous article that suffering was taken lightly!!! I don’t know understand how so many of you did not read the previous article properly!!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Thank you for having the courage to stand up for what is right. The previous article had no place on any website.
    If a man refuses to give a get he is obviously controlling. I am thankful that BH I have a very healthy relationship with my spouse and that is why I will stand up for what is right, proper and just!

    Class in session
    Guest
    Class in session

    Thank you Yehudis for the education. That is the only real way to fight this.

    A big Yasher Koach
    Guest
    A big Yasher Koach

    May we merot Moshiach already!

    hashem yerachem
    Guest
    hashem yerachem

    :Wow beautiful I wonder how many woman are going to be onchain. how many נשמות are not going to come to this world cuz one story is going to destroy thousands of women’s right to bring babies… Not today ,but the effect of this March is behind local politics nobody says that’s no problem of aguna/_gerusha but exactly because of this reason its very dangerous to generalize it. let’s be honest for a moment how many women mentally challenged….and play innocent. how many women have this so called “women rights ” problem ,and want to link it to the Torah…… Read more »

    Baruch matir asurim
    Guest
    Baruch matir asurim

    I’m so happy for this author that she got her get. We have to keep working so every agunah’s story should end this way.

    thank you
    Guest
    thank you

    Reason, compassion, truth, principles.
    You have it all. I am so glad you wrote this.
    Hatzlacha!

    Thank you for sharing
    Guest
    Thank you for sharing

    You are a true heroine.Love your authenticity .You are brave and incredibly courageous to express this piece. Inspire on!
    May you only know of peace and serenity.
    Hugs.
    Chanie Kozliner

    There is always a choice
    Guest
    There is always a choice

    While many opt out, some stay married to an abusive spouse, like myself. Aliza’s advice, while being interpreted by many as being callus, applies to whatever painful and challenging circumstances H’ wants you to go through and the reason I know H’ wants me to be with the man I am married to is because I am married to him. I live with a deep chronic pain from experiencing angry reprimands and blame instead of the love,connection, appreciation and respect I want. And it really hurts to have a family to run very much alone without access to family funds… Read more »

    Thank you!!!
    Guest
    Thank you!!!

    Your so brave!! No one should suffer. Abuse needs to stop now!! When are we going to have real rabanim that are not afraid to say it like it is, to call a spade a spade. My sister suffered with an abusive husband for 50 years!!!!!

    thank you COL!!!
    Guest
    thank you COL!!!

    Beautiful article!!!

    wow
    Guest
    wow

    Wow that must take pure courage to bear your heart. May hashem continuously giveryou and all others in such a situation, go forward with strength and fortitude.

    I dont understand
    Guest
    I dont understand

    The dangling keys in front of you- what does that translate into?

    Can someone explain what goes on in those situations s without beating around the bush, please?

    True definition of aguna
    Guest
    True definition of aguna

    This writer does a good job of lumping every case together and has an emotional appeal to any type of woman who feels victimized for whatever reason . However, the writer is very short on facts and manages to disparage various people in the process. I find this to be very unconvincing. This is not to say that there is no such thing as a real aguna who needs our compassion and help, and I disagree with the oped by aliza. However, not every person who jumps on the bandwagon of the agunos qualifies as one, thus my opposition to… Read more »

    In Torah:
    Guest
    In Torah:

    A husband has a right to ensure fair custody and financial agreements as part and parcel with giving the get, however long it takes. A marriage and a get is all that constitutes a bind or a separation in the eyes of Torah. There is no separating the bond without separating the bond, this includes children related bonds as well as financial ones. Until such time as these matters are settled and agreed upon, no get must be given, for how can a marriage be dissolved without the Most Important issue (of children) being settled?! That there are women who… Read more »

    Solutions
    Guest
    Solutions

    Enough about the problems. Whats the solution. We should only hear solutions coming from both sides. Both sides must answer these two questions. 1. If a Jewish woman wants a divorce and a husband won’t give one, what can and should be done. Who has the power to make that decision? And can they be persuaded by public opinion. 2. Men are not always in the wrong. What can be done if a woman abuses the system. What does that mean? What are the parameters that both sides can agree on to determine that that is happening? Lets start shifting… Read more »

    Not cool
    Guest
    Not cool

    Disparaging her well thought out op-ed is not right. The tactics that the get activists advocate don’t work. And yes, gittin are by definition a sefer krisus and need to come after a settlement. Batei Din are the best places to negotiate such settlements and should be used by both parties (this is also clear halacha). Aliza clearly does not want to see anyone suffer, and she did not attack you, like you did to her for speaking her opinion. She seems to recognize that your cookie cutter approach prevents even measured and defined attempts at reconciliation and does nothing… Read more »

    Thank-you
    Guest
    Thank-you

    i would also like to tell people that it’s not just the spouse who is chained but the whole family. As a daughter of a mother who went ten years without a gett, we lived through the whole story with her as much as she tried to shield us – the whole family having to move out of our family home because my father refused to, the thousands and thousands of dollars of legal and beis din fees, financial extortion, deaf community leaders and a completely powerless/unwilling beis din. We were all chained.

    thank you for posting
    Guest
    thank you for posting

    A truly heartfelt oped.

    99%
    Guest
    99%

    99% positive comments. Very impressive. Thank you collive for posting an op-ed that make sense. Thank you commenters for encouraging, and not trashing the author.
    May we all have continued Ahavas Yisroel, and try to respect each other, even if we have different opinions. Hate, gets us no where. Thanks.

    two sides
    Guest
    two sides

    what about the woman who is emotionally blackmailing the guy? what about the woman who is so unreasonable and emotionally abusive that the only thing a guy has, to come out with any dignity or any kind of life, is that threat to keep her in line to JUST BE REASONABLE. I know the “majority” its the guy but that looses sight to the fact that it could and many times is the woman. I know of a case where the woman is really really a nut case and refuses to accept a gett and the guy is stuck. I… Read more »

    Withholding a get is unacceptable period !!!!
    Guest
    Withholding a get is unacceptable period !!!!

    I have been blessed to be happily married , I have a husband who is a real mentsch and the nicest person. For a man to be abusive to his wife in any way is unacceptable, and there is no place in torah for such a thing, it’s the opposite of what we stand for . My friend got married to an abusive guy, and for a year she kept quiet, but I sensed that something was off with her, after a year she told me she was getting divorced, but he wasn’t going to let her go too easily,… Read more »

    Thank you for giving a Voice to Truth
    Guest
    Thank you for giving a Voice to Truth

    A voice to Humanity, Compassion, Dignity,
    A voice to Kindness, Strength and Morality.
    You are a brave woman Yehudis, lending your voice to the power of goodness. May Hashem shower abundant blessing upon your life and allow you to spread light wherever you tread.

    Aliza
    Guest
    Aliza

    And while the author is so graciously helping the women who need a GETT – Will she endlessly criticize the husband and the Beis Din and speak about the endless pain? Will she organize marches? Or will she contact people who are known to help with Gittin and then… will she encourage the women to have Emmunah? Will she encourage them to make the best use of their time and move forward in the meantime as a capable individual? Because once you have read my article (despite all your loving comments) you will know the right thing to do. BTW… Read more »

    Great response
    Guest
    Great response

    And for being there for other women in your position. Kol haKovod to you.

    mshp
    Guest
    mshp

    I know that its not a sure thing, but it would help to educate our kids about mental health issues. some people have personality disorders which contribute to this, and then, yes, they are bullied, abused emotionally and/or physically, and withhold Get along with that. Do you and your family and loved ones know how to look for signs of someone with personality disorder? Its not so easy to detect. Our Jewish comunities need to educate us and our children about this. No person should suffer from being chained to such torture. It is time.

    Current Aguna
    Guest
    Current Aguna

    Thank you, Yehudis for speaking up.

    to 70
    Guest
    to 70

    every state is different. in some states it can take over a year, by law. I think the commentators point was that , 11 months and a few thousand dollars is just called a divorce, not an agunah. It undermines real agunahs to call a woman in a messy divorce, an agunah. It doesnt mean her friends and family shouldn fight for her, but its just not an agunah.

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    Finally! Some words of truth from someone who has actually been in that situation! So proud of you and keep on being the strong wonderful woman you are!

    to 84
    Guest
    to 84

    your piece is so sad. Why do you think hashem wants you to stay married to him?? Yes, it was hasgacha protis that you married him in the first place. But You can absolutely chose, with hashem’s blessing, to seek a divorce. Noone should stay in an abusive relationship. Hashem approves of divorce, He gave us the concept of a gett in the Torah, the blueprint of the world. Please speak to a train therapist as well as a SENSITIVE rav. Please! You DONT have to be in this relationship! You DO deserve a happy and fulfilling marriage!!

    my 2 cents
    Guest
    my 2 cents

    I appreciate the perspective of the author. However, it’s very generalized. There are men who abuse the get and use it as leverage, vindictive retribution, blackmail or even extortion. That is criminal and there is a special place in gihenom for those people. However, there are women who use there children or image in the same manner. They’ll falsely have their husband arrested (of course I’m not addressing the legit charges that tragically is sometimes necessary to file due to them committing horrible things) claiming either assault or abuse on them or their children that never happened, in order to… Read more »

    What about the men?
    Guest
    What about the men?

    Not one comment about the men that are abused by their wives?
    The women who will not take a GET… right men have the option of a hater Maoh Rabbonim… easy breezy… huh?
    Nope…
    Abuse in any relationship especially marriage is a two way street!
    Remember that

    Define Agunah
    Guest
    Define Agunah

    I think the word Agunah has been so watered down that it lost its meaning. I think today every woman who asks for a get and does not receive it that same day thinks she is an agunah. This is not the halachic case of agunah. A get is not finalized in one day just as a legal divorce is not finalized in one day. There is a process to everything. Someone who is refused a get or someone who the husband went missing is a real agunah. This is not the same as someone who is in the divorce… Read more »

    TO #84
    Guest
    TO #84

    I read your comment from a very deep place bc that was me – choosing to stay in an abusive marriage for over 20 years with a houseful of kinderlach bc I thought it was “G-d’s will” I would never tell you whether to go or to stay – that is your decision only. But I can tell you that the road you are choosing is exhausting & requires lots of emotional back-up from a KNOWLIGEABLE frum therapist who totally understands abuse and your “deep chronic pain.” There are sliding scale organizations in Brooklyn who can help you. Maybe someone… Read more »

    To #90  Really???  What is your source??
    Guest
    To #90 Really??? What is your source??

    A husband has a right to ensure fair custody and financial agreements as part and parcel with giving the get, however long it takes. A marriage and a get is all that constitutes a bind or a separation in the eyes of Torah. There is no separating the bond without separating the bond, this includes children related bonds as well as financial ones. Until such time as these matters are settled and agreed upon, no get must be given, for how can a marriage be dissolved without the Most Important issue (of children) being settled? Really?? What is your Source??… Read more »

    Thank you!
    Guest
    Thank you!

    Finally an article which accurately depicts the plight of woman waiting for her gett, because it is written by someone who actually went through it!!! You are helping agunos come forward. You are paving the way for women to talk about their own personal experiences. Kol hakovod to you.

    Custody/Get
    Guest
    Custody/Get

    The Get and custody are two separate issues. Custody evaluations need to be handled by professional phycologists, not Rabbis. In New York, there has been a law passed that a Get must be part of the dissolution process. By marrying civilly, it should help ensure a woman receiving her Get, or there will be legal consequences.

    למה אתם קוראים לזה "עגונה"
    Guest
    למה אתם קוראים לזה "עגונה"

    אולי מישהי מהאמריקאים יוכל להסביר לי למה אתם קוראים לזה “עגונה”?עגונה זה אישה שלא יודעים איפה בעלה נמצא או שאין עדים שהוא מת.
    מה הקשר לפה?

     sad experience
    Guest
    sad experience

    Really wonder what Aliza ‘s credentials are. I have 2 close family members who were getless for many years. Both were no fault of their own. Both divorces were 100% the other side, from an unbiased opinion, and first hand knowledge of the situations. There were no custody issues. One got involved with another woman and he still refused to grant a get! It’s more about ego and control than anything else. I don’t know about all situations,but these men were not “healthy”. You couldn’t talk to them and get them to think rationally like a normal person.

    To #108
    Guest
    To #108

    The quality of human life is at play here. Forget the semantics and grammar of literal translations. If Agunah means “chained” then yes, any woman trapped in a marriage is an agunah. Forget the technicalities. That has no place here.

    To Commentator #90
    Guest
    To Commentator #90

    You are wrong. A gett should never be used to entrap someone into custodial, monetary, or any other agreement. While there are two sides to every divorce – there is only ONE side to a gett – if someone wants a GETT (male or female) give it (and for a woman – accept it). JUST AS YOU CANNOT KIDNAP A PERSON TO GIVE IN TO YOUR DEMANDS you cannot rightfully hold them hostage in Beis Din. USE THE CIVIL COURTS TO HAMMER OUT CUSTODY AND FINANCE arrangements.

    Ahavas Yisrael?!
    Guest
    Ahavas Yisrael?!

    I’m laughing at how yehudis is displaying such belief in Ahavas yisrael, it’s just terrible what husbands can do, etc, yet with her first sentence, she degrades Aliza, a fellow Jew! How can this be?
    Aliza obviously didn’t write what she wrote in order to make you upset yehudis, face that. So please respect her, and her words- she was obviously attempting to help, and ur opinion if she was right or not doesn’t change that fact.
    I can’t imagine how she is feeling right now, especially reading such comments

    To 115
    Guest
    To 115

    She is not “chained” she is in a get process. Two adults need to get into the same room and talk in order to end the marriage properly. Quality of life does not have to change. continue to work on ending the marriage. Rome was not built in one day.

    למספר #113
    Guest
    למספר #113

    לאו דוקא מדובר על בטוי והגדרה ההלכתית של עגונה
    אלא על ביטוי וגדרה המציאותית של עגונה והתוצאות של שניהם הם אותו דבר שניהם הם מעוגנים (לאיש מסויים) ואינם יכולים להתחתן

    the truth!
    Guest
    the truth!

    Thank you Yehudi’s for being so brave and saying the truth!
    From an #ums admirer

    To #118
    Guest
    To #118

    She is chained!!
    Obviously the negotiations arrived at a dead end.
    What happens if he wants his way or no “Get”
    She is chained my friend, lets say it how it is!
    No one is speaking about a case where to healthy adults are working their business out.

    To 118
    Guest
    To 118

    You said: “Quality of life does not have to change. continue to work on ending the marriage”.

    That is assuming the marriage was healthy and ended on mutual terms.In most cases that is NOT the scenario. Very few frum women would leave a marriage unless the circumstances really called for it. In a situation where the other spouse is an abuser or addict, there is often no quality of life to begin with. So in addition to leaving, the healthy spouse must rebuild from scratch,

    To #110
    Guest
    To #110

    You can start by reading #92. It looks like you are confusing secular divorce law with contractual law in Torah. A get is the conclusion of all their affairs. According to Torah technically any stipulations as to what the woman may receive with regard to custody or finances must be made before or at the time of signing of the get or she has no claim to anything and everything defaults to the husband (besides for what is stipulated in the kesuba, and custody of children under 8 years old which goes to the mother). You’re in no place to… Read more »

    WELL SAID!!
    Guest
    WELL SAID!!

    Zero tolerance for abuse of any sort! Thank you for this article!

    at last some sense!
    Guest
    at last some sense!

    Thank you for your brave words!

    Get can take a few hrs
    Guest
    Get can take a few hrs

    It has nothing to do with any other issues such as custody etc. give the Get THAN work out your settlements without leverage.

    To #126
    Guest
    To #126

    I’ll tell you what, when your spouse shows up one day and says that they want a divorce, you will run, not walk, to the nearest Rav, and have him arrange and draft a Get IMMEDIATELY.

    That’s right. Don’t try to save the marriage at all. Your spouse asked for a Get, give it IMMEDIATELY!

    #Sarcasm

    to #84
    Guest
    to #84

    It sounds like you sort of convinced yourself of your current position to accept your lot as Aliza suggested in her op-ed. If you can indeed surrender to this lot and be able to live your life, then fine. If not, then you should seek help. Your husband may not be a bad man. With proper counseling and guidance from a Rav and/or Therapist he will listen and be a better husband/father.

    not an agunah, not a get refuser
    Guest
    not an agunah, not a get refuser

    Although I have sympathy for the pain of the author of this article, she was not an agunah. It is normal for rabonim to delay presiding over a get in the hope that the couple will reconcile, and it is irresponsible for rabonim to agree immediately to do so. Moreover, the husband in this story did not disobey a rav’s requirement to give a get, so he can’t be called a get refuser, and the author cannot be considered an agunah. This is not to detract from the pain she went through, and may she have only joy and nachas… Read more »

    Work it out
    Guest
    Work it out

    People who keep saying the rabbonim are right to tell the couple to work it out – of course people want to work it out! But when there is no other option, the rabbonim must recognize that and not send women back to abusive spouses! The step of actually going to the BD is not taken lightly and the rabbonim must learn to recognize and acknowledge domestic abuse, severe addictions and more.

    Dear #84...What do Children Leaarn?
    Guest
    Dear #84...What do Children Leaarn?

    I was so pained to read your post. No one deserves to live in such distress. My primary concern is this….what does your acceptance of such a relationship say to your children? Children learn how to behave in a marriage based upon the dynamics of their own family. Are your sons learning that abuse is the norm and that is what they must do when married? Are your daughters learning that they must be stoic and unconditionally accept abuse? Are the children learning that this is their role in life? For the sake of your children…stand up to your abuser.… Read more »

    any of abuse is should never be tolerated
    Guest
    any of abuse is should never be tolerated

    My siblings ex-husband put her and our family through hell. Talk about misguided rabbi’s – He punched her in the stomach while she was pregnant and broke her toes and the Rabbi’s looked the other way and made excuses for him and told her to go back to him. He was personable and well liked on the outside and a monster at home. People came up to us and repeatedly told us what a wonderful person he was, they stopped when we started telling them that they should benched with a son in law just like him. My favorite was… Read more »

    To 132
    Guest
    To 132

    Yes, agreed! One hit is one too many! Get hit? Get out!!!! Fast!!!!

    Great article
    Guest
    Great article

    Yasher koach! Wow yehudis I never knew you went through this. Great article. Keep up your fight for other women. !!

    to #84
    Guest
    to #84

    May Hashem give you the strength to leave the abusive marriage you are in. We all know it can be hard for women to leave abusive relationships and it s very sad that you are in that position. Hashem doesn’t keep you in that situation, you are keeping yourself in it.

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