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If I were a Shadchan…

Shidduchim SOS: "You know those dates where five minutes in you know this is absolutely not for you?" A COLlive reader suggests a few practical suggestions to improve the shidduch system. Full Story

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Outside crown heights
May 6, 2012 3:35 pm

You guys think you have it tough. Try living across the world!! You call the shadchanim vut as soon as you say you have a daughter, they dont sound so interested. When you say she’s not’in town’ they either slam the phone down or tell younto call, ‘when she’s coming to crown heights’.
Maybe she has a good job here? Cant afford to continually travel? ………

Recent Father of a Choson
January 7, 2012 8:41 pm

The Shadchan sent me 6 names and he didn’t know the girls at all and just knew the Fathers from Yeshiva years. At the end a relative who knew both families as well as my son and the Kalla spoke the Shidduch.
Most Shadchanim send you a list and expect you to do the homework unless they are asked by one side to suggest a certain Bochur or girl.
The best shadchan is a relative or a close friend.

so any real help?
January 6, 2012 1:13 am

Any shadchonim out there reading this and can weigh in on this? I would love to know if they feel the system is working…

"Lemon Law"
January 4, 2012 11:10 pm

To whoever made the “Lemon Law” comment: I agree. 🙂

January 2, 2012 1:05 am

B”H There is no “degree of shadchanus” and there is no “Guide to making shidduchim” but regardless, a human being who puts themselves out there for you and asks for money is not so ridiculous. It’s time consuming and stressful. Find the shadchan who will meet your child (psychologically it makes the person feel more responsible for them) and put in the time and money to work with the shadchan. It is unfair to expect the world of people if you will not take the time to go for 20 minutes and chat. If your child does not want to… Read more »

Son of a Shadchan
January 1, 2012 7:43 pm

That’s the way i see my mother do it (and no she does NOT charge), she is always having boys and girls come over to the house so she can meet them face to face and actually see what she is dealing with, although she has made many shidduchim without ever meeting the boy or girl it is a great idea to all shadchanim to do as you write. to all those who don’t have the best things to say about the shadchan ….. i can tell you from the way i see it (and i see it EVERY DAY)… Read more »

January 1, 2012 7:08 pm

They take no money to meet them and they will only set up pol that they meet for exactly that reason! Everyone go meet them and let’s find each other 😉 single girl who is ready to find her guy !!!!!!

a thought
January 1, 2012 6:10 pm

to those who are looing…you can always say you would like to go out for coffee for an hour and then see how it goes…. no one is stopping you. ppl even talk on the phone a little before..(not suew this helps). But YOU also need to take matters onto your own hands. by this i mean always ask your parents or who ever is looking for you, what is going on…did any new names come up. what about calling so and so to see if they can think of someone… and dont let then answer… well its dinner time..… Read more »

in total agreement
January 1, 2012 4:36 pm

i just want to add that the importance of actually meeting the shadchan is essential and second to none, and i speak from experience; My daughter made an appointment to meet the shadchan I was in touch with and it was a huge help; they only spent about 20 minutes together, but it was more than enough for the shadchan to get a far clearer picture of who and what my daughter is and wants, as opposed to simply reading about her on paper; she actually called me a short while later, and had analysed my daughter almost perfectly! I… Read more »

to 41
January 1, 2012 4:11 pm


money doesnt help
January 1, 2012 2:56 pm

from my personal experience, when we paid the shadchan for the work they have done for us, they stopped calling with suggestions. At first they were very ambitious and enthusiastic to help but when we thanked them (although it never worked out) for their effort, they felt that their job was completed!!!! Before they got paid they were working toward something, but after the tip, they stopped. Someone who is a shadchan or who can understand this behavior, please explain….thanks

mechanchim and mechanchos
January 1, 2012 2:53 pm

should be more involved. personally, I feel that the seminary that I went to and sem beis in Crown Heights hanholo should show some concern for their students. They claim to care so much about the chassidishkeit and teacher training to be top notch but when they are contacted for information they do not speak favorably and do not show any concern. when someone calls you about a girl/ boy obviously they look up to you and trust you to share the nice things you know about them. Also, very important to show enthusiasm about the person you are called… Read more »

To #30
January 1, 2012 2:48 pm

I get it. All the boys are willing to marry any girl that DECIDES she wants to get married. So after YOU choose who you want to marry, he just automatically marries you! Nice system! Sign me up!

how about
January 1, 2012 1:46 pm

how about the shadchonim that take money and promise names and then do not return phone calls or emails or have an excuse that they have no time for you. Or better yet, tell you that they are not the only shadchan around and call others…i dont think i paid her to say that! shidduchim takes alot of time and work, I am a single girl and I have made a couple of shidduchim myself so I know. If a woman who calls herself an official shadchan and asks for money in return for helping you out, it is not… Read more »

dr.shlomo levi
January 1, 2012 1:03 pm

to#31 if someone want $2000 at least, from both , and don’t want spend even 2hr IMHO this person is thief! isn’t so?

I admire whoever wrote the article
January 1, 2012 12:37 pm

It is wriiten respectfully,not blaming, just asking. The suggestions are good ones, though I think they can only happen if shadchan is financially compensated.It definitely
is worthy of discussion and follow-up by Shadchanim
Maybe a conference can be arranged to discuss these mattersattended by Rabanim and Mechanchim as well.

dr.shlomo levi
January 1, 2012 12:26 pm

agree w #36
for my experience in Israel and CH official, and nonofficial big office, or cheap apartment -doesn’t matter. if you give upward , even penny (for stamps? etc) you will never ever heard from him after that………………….

I paid 180$
January 1, 2012 11:24 am

to a Shadchan & never ever heard from him after that………………….

January 1, 2012 11:21 am

I think you wrote a nice article but a little on the naive side.Did you ever deal with people that are looking for a shidduch for their children? Not everyone is willing to meet a shadchan (I can relate to that) but please don’t think that it is really possib le for a shadchan to sit and call everyones references. Yes you should know whom you are trying to put together but the main ingredient is the aibishter. You can sit from here to tomorrow and check out references and ideas and poof its nothing and sometimes things that might… Read more »

To 20 & 30
January 1, 2012 11:19 am

What harsh and non-factual views you both have! No need to expound on this.

January 1, 2012 10:53 am

i don’t get it, are shadchanim supposed to be some kind of communal service running to help you?

To 25
January 1, 2012 9:58 am

Yes shiduchim-net is an amazing site!!!
But you had a mistake the adress is

January 1, 2012 9:56 am

sounds easy enough for someone who isn’t a shadchan.. seems like you expect every shadchan to spend hours on your case alone!! keep in mind they have tens of other girls and bochurim they are dealing with as well as their own families which they need to devote time to!

If I were Single......
January 1, 2012 9:05 am

If I were a single girl I would look at who are the available guys and then chose! That’s it. It’s nobody’s fault that you are not married. It’s nobody’s fault that you don’t like any of the many many many single guys out there. It’s your own choice!!!!! You can chose from what there is and get married or you can chose to stay single. You can chose to blame the shadchan or you can you to take things into your own hands and get married. You can chose to blame your mother or you can chose to get… Read more »

to #20
January 1, 2012 8:25 am

firstly I would like to say nice article – although I am a firm believer in doing it yourself. being that your not a shaddchan makes it harder – if on the other hand you ARE a shaddchan and doing that – then the article would be a lot easier to read. and to commenter 20 – how obnoxious I must say. No one can be perfect and not everyone is fit for everyone. so if a family says no to another family clearly it’s not for them – do we have to start running around everyones fingers of every… Read more »

radical idea?
January 1, 2012 7:22 am

i always say if you can tell it’s the right person (or not) after five minutes…..why not set up a very well supervised, halachically acceptable speed dating?
it would save tons of money for the guys and tons of wasted time on both sides.
who in crown heights is brave enough to set up a monthly shidduch event and who is brave enough to attend?
think about it. It could be the answer to so many issues.

Rebbes directive
January 1, 2012 6:33 am

My grandmother, mrs. B, among many other things, was a shadchan who bh made many shidduchim. She got instructions from the Rebbe that she should personally meet each person, face to face, even if it could only be briefly.

Very good article.
January 1, 2012 5:50 am

I agree with this article a lot. I have been thinking about telling the shadchanim that I have been in touch with to phone a couple of the references on my childs resume. Not because its their duty to so BUT jsut so that they get an idea of what exactlly they are talking about. Putting details down on paper is easy but if they choose just a couple of references it will give them a better idea of who they are dealing with and make it easier to now give their suggestions. Its not right to put down all… Read more »

January 1, 2012 5:48 am

www. shiduchim-net.com
in 5 languages for the all lubavicth community and their mekurovim the unique sistem doesnt publicize the profiles of the candidates but save it in the sistem . Any candidate writes his endorser( Shliach, rabbi , e.t.c) and then after the endorser confirm that the info of the candidate is proper the system automatically find candidates who can match and send it to the endorser and the endorser that know well the candidate will decide

want to make shiduchim
January 1, 2012 5:10 am

i want to tray ,who wants to send me resumes? but i am shhur i will get 100’s of girls names and only a few boys… why?

January 1, 2012 3:07 am

#20, boy is that a load of bs… I know firsthand that you can be a giver but they still won’t feel they “owe” you… Your assumption that people pay back is 100% false!!!

Now for my two sense: the LEMON LAW is the best way to go about this problem…

Merkos should take on this project!
January 1, 2012 3:04 am

We need a professional system with pay per hour and commission etc which will team together several dozen shadchonim worldwide, with a professional database etc. To be successful, it needs to run under the umbrella and with the guidance and seed money from Merkos or the like.

Blame the Shadchan!
January 1, 2012 1:16 am

This advice to the shadchan is great. But how many hours does this represent; multiply this by how many singles should the shadchan get to know; is this realistic on any level? After investing these hours (and they are many) the parents response is “This suggestion doesn’t turn me on.” What’s with all those hours? Why the disparaging “It’s all about the gelt”? These shadchanim have tuition, mortgages, food bills, etc. to pay. Is it criminal, disrespectfull, underhanded, not worth the expense (pick one) for the shadchan to want see some compensation for their time and effort? And perhaps if… Read more »

look in the mirror...
January 1, 2012 1:16 am

If names aren’t coming up, ask yourself WHY??????? If you GIVE to the community then they will think of you…… I’ve seen it happen time and again and the opposite is so TRUE. NOBODY owes you ANYTHING!!!! Even if you pay a shadchan $5000.00, they can’t make a shidduch happen unless the other person finds you, your family, your personality attarctive!!!!!!!!!! Find out the reasons why the guys that you want to go out with refuse to go out with you and FIX THOSE THINGS!!!!!

January 1, 2012 1:07 am

I think this community needs two people who are paid a full time salary by the kehilla and their job is only to work on shidduchim. This way these “employees” will not feel they are
working for nothing, as many shadchanim feel and it won’t make a difference to them if they make a shidduch for a person from a rich or a poor background. We need to do this as a community to help oour singles.

time, not money
January 1, 2012 12:20 am

It’s a full time job for a parent to find a shidduch for one child, you cannot expect the shadchan to do all that research with every person. Yes, #2 is right – it’s the parent’s job to do the research and decide if it may be suitable. But, the shadchan should definitely have some idea of the people involved and narrow down the list as best as possible, esp. if he or she was paid a lot of money. May Hashem make it easy for all of you.

Money Talks
January 1, 2012 12:20 am

The fact is that if you pay the Shadchan in advance, in most cases they will work harder for you.
You may give the Shadchan all the reasons in the world why it is their responsibility to find you a Shidduch, but at the end of the day it’s all about the Gelt. (Just like any other job).

A mother & a shadchn
December 31, 2011 11:58 pm

the shadchan does NOT have to call the references ! This is the parents job ! But u are right about meeting face to face with the boy/girl, the problem is that the boys & the girls do NOT want to go meet the shadchan….

question for #9
December 31, 2011 11:55 pm

Is there a standard shadchan fee arrangement? Hourly rate? retainer? billing monthly/bi-weekly?

Not A Shadchan But....
December 31, 2011 11:42 pm

Having made a number of shidduchim, though I’m not a shadchan, I think we tend to forgot that ultimately the Aibishter is the shadchan and we are just his shluchim. it is all in the Aibishter’s hands. There are those shidduchim that I’ve made where I just “knew” it was perfect (because I knew both sides) and those shidduchim that failed where I just “knew” it was perfect (because I knew both sides and on paper it REALLY was perfect and they were so excited to go out because it was so perfect). Yet after just 5 minutes – as… Read more »

let me know when this happens..
December 31, 2011 11:41 pm

if u think u have a better method..then go be a shadchan! Do u really think its htta simple?

to #9
December 31, 2011 11:38 pm

My mom also received the lubavich single list, and yes it included every, ( and I also mean every) boy in Lubavitch. I mean this was after him trying a few times with actual names, bu it was still sad for me.

December 31, 2011 11:27 pm

Does anyone know what the letters of the word shadchan (in Hebrew) stand for?
Shin= Sheker
Daled= Dover
Chof= kesef
nun= notel

Although, I must say, there are those few who really are sincere and deserve a lot of credit!

big and old issue
December 31, 2011 11:27 pm

it is time for people to stop taking innocent people and making shidduchim with kids who have issues. It is not fair, it does not work, it is a very hard and painful issue, but you can’t just pick a nice innocent bt family and offer them a shidduch with a family who has a deep dark secret. it doesnt help anyone or anything

Agree with #7
December 31, 2011 10:42 pm

Having “worked” (I’m using the word loosely) with probably this same shodchon (meaning sending a check for $150), and receiving a list from that person of every and I mean every single guy in Lubavitch, it was clear that not only was it going to be hard to get called back but also this person didn’t really even care who my daughter was enough to narrow the list of suggestions. And yes, #3, its the hardest parshah of my life!! And, by the way, I would be happy to pay and pay well for the shodchon who would be willing… Read more »

To Daughter Of A Shadchan And all likeminded.
December 31, 2011 10:29 pm

Not all jobs make alot of money. Some jobs don’t make any money ( ex, some shluchim) That said once you take upon yourself a job, that is so so important and once others recognize you by that title, it should be done properly and up to date.

Attn #4 Daughter of a shadchan
December 31, 2011 10:19 pm

Actually, when a shadchan takes upward of $150 just for accepting my resume into their database, I’d think that’s reason enough to call me back. Not asking for them to bend over backward for me, just for some basic mentchilichkeit, which I, buy the way, paid for! If the initial fee isn’t enough, shadchanim should raise it, not complain about it, and be rude because of it!
If people don’t consider themselves to be “official” shadchanim, then they shouldn’t take money on the pretense that they will help you find a shidduch.

to # 4
December 31, 2011 10:17 pm

If money is what is behind it, and more money get the job done better, then they should be clear about it before going any further. With shidduchim it is very important to be straightforward, even if money is behind it.

leah r.
December 31, 2011 10:08 pm

You have some very good points there.

hope all the CH shadchans are listening….

To 3- You almost seem to think it's coming to you.
December 31, 2011 10:04 pm

Why SHOULD a shadchan “work so hard” when they are not making good money. They owe you nothing. Simply having a title “shadchan” does not obligate them to find your child a shidduch but the title “parent” does obligate YOU. So maybe we should consider paying our shadchanim “lots of money” as you mentioned.

Daughter of a shadchan.

Just Me
December 31, 2011 10:00 pm

Some pretty good ideas here, but lets be honest here. Until our shadchonim make lots of money to make it worth their while, they will not work so hard.
I’ve had experiences with my daughters you would not believe.
One shadchan never, I mean never, returns, calls.
One took our name but never came up with anything in more than a year.
its rediculous. Hardest parsha of my life.

call every reference???
December 31, 2011 9:44 pm

are you kidding? thats pretty unrealistic, and truthfully, rediculous.
how can a shadchan be responsible for calling every person’s refrence? thats the parents job, when they look into a prospective match.

I do think meeting the person who you plan to set up is critical, even more important than anything else. you can pretty much get an idea of what type of person someone is is you meet someone and speak to them for a while.
may all those seeking their bashert find them very soon, and easily!!!

perhaps you should be a shadchan...
December 31, 2011 9:38 pm

you seem to have your head on straight, sounds like youd make a pretty good shadchan yourself….

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