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Monday, 15 Iyyar, 5782
  |  May 16, 2022

‘I Never Thought I Would Still be Here’

From the COLlive Inbox: "Last week, I received a message from a friend that tore my heart and took my sleep," shares North Carolina Shlucha Yehudis Bluming. Full Story

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Yehudis bluming
May 9, 2022 7:24 pm

You are one of a kind!thinking of everyone and not stopping with your great ideas

Agree
Reply to  Yehudis bluming
May 9, 2022 8:04 pm

Yehudis
God bless you

Love this idea
May 9, 2022 7:43 pm

So powerful and needed

I will txt and join

Devorie

I don’t get it
May 9, 2022 7:49 pm

Everyone signs up to be an advocate?
I’m an older single – and the only person I’d want to be involved in the details of my shidduch is maybe my mother …
We singles know that the yeshua can come through any person … but it’s not like we’re dying to have our friends and extended families involved in the intricate details. Suggesting a name is a nice gesture. But people tend to get too involved. It’s personal..

I am a 28 yold single
Reply to  I don’t get it
May 9, 2022 8:49 pm

and I love my mother- yet its 7 years of dating
I am more than glad that someone else should help

There wouldnt be this problem if parents were the magic bullet

Mother
Reply to  I don’t get it
May 9, 2022 11:17 pm

Totally disagree. You must still be very young. We need all the help we can get. If you don’t feel you need all the help offered , you are obviously not an older single. So a simple thank you for the help would be much more appropriate than your comment. Wishing you blessings and success with the next person you go out with.

help those who want - dont force on those who dont
Reply to  Mother
May 10, 2022 12:51 am

dont tell others how to feel. people have the right to have different opinions than you. you dont get to “disagree” with someone’s feelings. stop imposing your help on us when we ask you to back off

I agree
Reply to  I don’t get it
May 9, 2022 11:41 pm

This should not be about a bunch of people suggesting names on some chat group without even knowing if those people would like them to be putting down their name. It should be absolutely required to ask the person being discussed FIRST if this is something THEY WANT done

Maybe
Reply to  I agree
May 10, 2022 8:59 am

All parents and friends should be signing a clause of secrecy to never talk or try to help friends unless given explicit permission

That’s makes a lot of sense

NOT

AS Yidden we are bound and responsible to each other..and commanded that it is forbidden to stand by

Of course -it must be done with sensitivity and dignity

start to act with sensitivity-curb your sarcasm
Reply to  Maybe
May 10, 2022 12:25 pm

firstly, please start yourself to act with sensitivity by curbing your sarcasm secondly, the comment you responded to did not say not to help, it was specifically addressing people talking about others as a group, such as on whatsapp or a shidduch group you have no idea if the person even wants you to do that not everyone wants to be discussed by a bunch of people, as well meaning as you might be you need to first make sure the person is happy for you to talk about them on a group chat, you mention sensitivity and dignity- who… Read more »

Just a thought.
May 9, 2022 7:53 pm

Don’t view me (us) with pity.

It’s really demoralizing to be pitied, davened for, cried for, looked down upon, seen as less-than …

It’s great that you’re trying to help

But the true respect and sensitivity you can show to another human being is to treat them the way they wish to be treated (better, the way YOUD want to be treated) which is to view them and treat them with respect and positivity – to be happy for their successes – and to believe, with them, that it’s all going to work out

NO one is making singles into Pity Cases
Reply to  Just a thought.
May 9, 2022 8:48 pm

I am not sure where you saw that in the article

In the most dignified and eloquent way , she asked that people respectfully get involved and don’t ignore a growing reality

I think if I was in your shoes – i hoped people cared

It is indeed so kind of everyone to help
Reply to  NO one is making singles into Pity Cases
May 9, 2022 10:57 pm

But sometimes we still need a friendly reminder not to pity older singles. They are not terminally ill Baruch Hashem. They are not depressed Baruch Hashem. And even in cases who are – it’s still better not to pity. Pity is arrogance and makes the other person feel small. It is so so kind of people to try and help. But still, remember to respect the one you are trying to help, he /she doesn’t want to feel nebach, sad, less-than, needing help, pitied, etc… it’s just something people need to be reminded of, and somehow this article reminded me… Read more »

who's NO one??
Reply to  NO one is making singles into Pity Cases
May 10, 2022 12:52 am

if someone feels like you are talking down to her, maybe there is something there. she wasn’t talking to you directly, she probably never met you. but i feel like im treated like a less than way too often

Thank you Yehudis
May 9, 2022 7:54 pm

Tizki Lemitzvos

As a single (over 30 years old)
May 9, 2022 8:06 pm

If I may add my 2 cents: if mothers in law ( the boys mother) are out of the picture and shatchanim are here ONLY to encourage as apose to forcing, then a lot more shidduchim will pull through. Dont create a problem,
WHEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! Remember: it’s the young man AND young women, WHO END OF GETTING MARRIED! NOT THE MOTHER IN LAW OR SHADCHIN!

Mr.
Reply to  As a single (over 30 years old)
May 9, 2022 9:00 pm

Thank you

Here it is brief
May 9, 2022 8:50 pm

The goal is to substantially reduce the number of mature girls & guys
 still searching for their bashert, by  taking an active personal role.
                                             How?
We begin by identifying ONE SINGLE friend or relative. 

You will have access to many profiles and list  to search thru
You will join a group of passionate woman or men
who want to do the same and share potential ideas
You will be connected to a group of Shadchonim
 that are waiting to act on your suggestion

It takes a village !

Go Hudis
May 9, 2022 9:09 pm

Always coming up with new ideas to help the community!

Thank you!!!!
May 9, 2022 9:29 pm

As someone who has been on the scene for over 5 years, I think this is a piece that has been missing from the Shidduch scene for way too long. Thank you for taking this initiative!

Another suggestion
May 9, 2022 9:51 pm

I am a single on one of the WhatsApp groups where people post resumes all day long. The biggest problem I’ve found while looking through them is that some people don’t bother to write anything on their resume. It’s just their name, siblings, and references. Let’s be real, if there are hundreds are profiles to go through I’m not going to stop by yours. Singles should write a bit about themselves and what they’re looking for to help speed the process.

Maybe blank means not ready
Reply to  Another suggestion
May 10, 2022 10:25 am

I was a blank resume single and I married late BH. But it was blank because i wasn’t clear who i was and what i needed in a shidduch. Once i passed that hurdle the rest flowed.

Hmm
Reply to  Maybe blank means not ready
May 11, 2022 11:48 pm

So then why have a resume to begin with?

Thank you!
May 9, 2022 10:16 pm

As a thirty year old single I appreciate you trying to get involved and help this situation. I feel that there are some families who never had a challenge with shidduchim and they feel that if someone is thirty, something must be wrong with them. The truth is as Chassidim we know Hashem runs the world and is constantly recreating every moment with a plan and purpose. I hope there are singles who can look beyond those who blame us as if it is are fault. This initiative is extremely important and hopefully it will be a tool for many… Read more »

What am I missing??
May 9, 2022 10:33 pm

There are already WhatsApp groups for shidduchim. What’s the difference here?

The point here
Reply to  What am I missing??
May 10, 2022 9:04 am

Is not just to share names

The influencers will have accsess to much more profiles and info and Shadchonim waiting to help

suggest a shidduch.
May 9, 2022 10:35 pm

I really don’t know how my daughters married classmates sleep well at night. My daughter was popular, friendly and would watch out for girls who didn’t have it easy. Her friends who BH married rarely look back. I know your BH busy. But you really have an obligation to your friends. Once a week or month, think of a shidduch for your still single classmates.

We do
Reply to  suggest a shidduch.
May 10, 2022 10:20 pm

Don’t assume we don’t try, we think every day about our single friends

Parents who aren’t realistic
May 9, 2022 11:36 pm

I’ve tried to Shadchan older singles. If the parents aren’t realistic of what their children are all about, how do you handle it?

Then don’t work with parents
Reply to  Parents who aren’t realistic
May 10, 2022 8:45 am

Just work with the singles directly. They are adults.

just another CH mother
Reply to  Parents who aren’t realistic
May 10, 2022 8:56 am

when parents are standing in the way, i go straight to the single….after all, if they think they are old enough to be married, then they are mature enough to receive a shidduch suggestion and then confer with a mashpia and/or married friend for guidance

Why married friend?
Reply to  just another CH mother
May 10, 2022 8:37 pm

I conferred with my single friends when I was dating. Their advice was a lot more insightful than any friends who married at 20. Being married doesn’t make you more knowledgeable in these areas. (I’m married now bh)

Painful yet there is hope
May 9, 2022 11:52 pm

This is a huge issue. I feel that anyone that helps in this is doing the ultimate job in this world. Think about it.. Thousands of Jewish souls are waiting to come down to this world and bring moshiach and hundreds of older girls and boys are having a hard time committing / connecting to each other. I do think it’s more then just setting people up. Some older singles need guidance, encouragement, and mentors to walk them through this. As people get older there can be more “baggage”. So just a suggestion would be to set up qualified people… Read more »

don't pity
May 9, 2022 11:59 pm

just putting it out ….if you are married and have big kids don’t think of yourself as higher and greater…these girls tend to hold themselves higher than their unmarried classmates AND DONT SAY HELLO….it’s time we put ourselves out there to be mentchlict to each other
PLEASE DONT ASK FOR MONEY I’M NOT ONLY THERE TO GIVE YOU DONATIONS!!!!!!!

So true
Reply to  don't pity
May 10, 2022 9:05 am

And invite me over for Shabbos Dinner and include me for Yom Tov

We are Chabad for G- d sake

Why do I have to beg ?

ask permission first!
May 10, 2022 12:56 am

please please do NOT post about anyone without their permission! it is so disrespectful and dehumanizing! and most people who do this dont bother asking the single what it is they are looking for, they just assume.
I have had issues in the past with such websites like chabadmatch where they did not take me seriously when i had a complaint because i was single. they instead emailed my mother behind my back even though i was almost 30!! please be careful. people are so eager to help and they often cause more pain

Yes, mentioned above
Reply to  ask permission first!
May 10, 2022 11:37 am

Agree

Former Alter Bochur
May 10, 2022 2:08 am

As baalei teshuva with histories, my wife shetichye and myself were the last last suit in the store and the last dress on the rack. The challenges of making it work have brought us incredibly close to HaShem, more than we ever thought possible. It’s nice to find your exact place in the aristocracy, but at what cost?

If we all thought of one
May 10, 2022 2:25 am

So brilliant thank you for taking lead! If we all thought of that one single we could help so many more shidduchim happen faster! It truly does take a village ! thank you for taking the lead!

Amazing!!! 👏👏
May 10, 2022 4:17 am

Thank you for standing up and doing something positive!! 👏👏👏

A Crown Heights family....
May 10, 2022 7:42 am

This should be a hachlata of every young and not-so-young, recently married couple: Right after sheva brachos they should begin to think of his friends and her friends, and who might ‘work’ with whom. They know their friends, and there’s a good likelihood that there will be some that might be a good match. Several of my children found their bashert this way.

Sensitivity with words and descriptions .
May 10, 2022 8:00 am

You want the best for your son and brother. Perhaps your image of ideal girl for the bochur you care so much about tends to be over critical? Feeling in the know? . Please pause to consider the tremendous responsibility it is albeit well meaning to “prevent” a couples happiness and beautiful family they will bezh be blessed with. True, “she״ or her parents may not be exactly your vision, consider this, she may not be exactly as someone else describes or understands either. To all parents of boys and girls Each one is hashems precious and only child. When… Read more »

Thank you
Reply to  Sensitivity with words and descriptions .
May 15, 2022 9:44 pm

Thank you for taking the time to write this.
Maybe we need to be more humble and look up to people.
See the good minimize the bad.
in shidduchim ” although we need to look for maalos there’s a difference if you look with a generous eye”.

Parents aren't always realistic
May 10, 2022 8:39 am

The title says it all.
Opposites do attract.
Let your child meet the suggestion.
You might be seeing your child differently than what actually is.

Here's an idea
May 10, 2022 9:10 am

What if – and this is just a crazy thought here – but what if we stopped putting so much emphasis on marriage? What if being single was normal? What if a person could be a complete human being all on their own? What if, right here in the community, single people were allowed to want to stay single and just live their lives? Finding a life partner is nice if you want it, but what is so horrible about being alone? I’d bet at least half the married couples in this community wish they’d never gotten married in the… Read more »

Mind blowing
Reply to  Here's an idea
May 10, 2022 10:22 am

I’m 23 and haven’t dated yet for this reason. I’m not ready to get married. I can’t say it’s easy when every day another classmate gets engaged or has a baby but I’m content and happy. And I wish people would just accept that.

Good for you!
Reply to  Mind blowing
May 10, 2022 11:28 am

Take your time, or choose to never get married at all, do whatever makes you happy at your own pace.

Wow
Reply to  Good for you!
May 10, 2022 12:46 pm

Shes only 23 and you are already throwing at her “or chose never to get married at all” Card at her?! That’s low. How about stick to “you do you, whatever Hashem has destined for you and whatever you chose, we will support you.” That’s the right approach. People are so ill mannered.

Brilliant
Reply to  Here's an idea
May 10, 2022 10:43 am

Just not one Jewish source for that

Why is a source needed?
Reply to  Brilliant
May 10, 2022 12:27 pm

Why do I need some Rabbi to quote some text in order for me to be considered a complete person?

I don’t.

I am complete because I exist, period.

I don’t believe that Hashem would rather I be trapped in a marriage I don’t want to be in, than single and happy on my own. If a Rabbi disagrees, he should re-read the Torah.

So true
Reply to  Here's an idea
May 10, 2022 11:03 am

Especially your last sentence. A lot of couples are forced to get married to people who they dont want or with circumstances they didnt choose the package to come with and then they live miserable lives by being blackmailed not to divorce or if they do divorce, then at least for themselves they are free but the society looks down on them “how dare you divorce”. I always say: stay you! Dont live your life for someone else for then its downhill straight to the bottom. Stay you: at the end of the day in ANY circumstance you have you!… Read more »

We are a frum community
Reply to  Here's an idea
May 10, 2022 11:41 am

You raise a good point on an ideological social emotional front,
But we are Jewish and mostly frum
And it is indeed a mitzva to get married and build a Jewish home
You should not force yourself to do so, but it is certainly a value from a Torah view point

wow
May 10, 2022 9:30 am

this is over due so so needed thank you so much for making this

concerned ch
May 10, 2022 11:15 am

the Rebbe mentioned in many of his letters about this situation ,his answers
were basically two points,#1 did the parents make a kiddish for them when they were born,( it can still be made) #2 it’s possible from a previous shiddich that somebody was wronged or upset, in which case an apology should be given .(I believe verbally)

good ideas but where are they from?
Reply to  concerned ch
May 12, 2022 11:45 am

I know there were a number of times that the Rebbe asked if anyone was offended in an earlier shiduch.
I have not yes seen any source from THE REBBE about a kiddush.
it sounds like a good idea, I just have not seen it from the Rebbe.
likely I’m wrong. if I am please do post a source.

I've tried helping but all I heard was..
May 10, 2022 11:36 am

I want this and I want that. I wont date this and I wont date that. I need this and I need that. If I suggest someone different, I am not a good listener. If I try to make expectations more realistic,I am not being sensitive to their needs. A lot of singles and parents need a reality check. A lot of the boys are just nebach, not learners, not earners and want beauty queens. A lot of the girls want the learner, earner and a basket of other things in a 20 something year old. Be a well-adjusted person,… Read more »

You’re so critical
Reply to  I've tried helping but all I heard was..
May 10, 2022 4:20 pm

I’ve heard this before, not being said directly to me but I’ve heard these complaints before, and as a single I find it so draining when people say these kinds of things. How do you know where I’m at in my journey. How do you know how many times I’ve tried to make it work and am now realizing I have to be more selective. How do you know what I can and should seek in a partner. How do you know how I should think feel and operate. Unless I’m being unappreciative and rude to you, you should not… Read more »

Love being single until...
May 15, 2022 6:10 pm

I seldom meet a never-married person past their early sixties who doesn’t feel like they’re not getting as much attention and/or help as they would like from others. Generally, and this is ONLY a generalization, married (or once married) folks are more surrounded by family than never-marrieds and the feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by people, is far, far less of an issue…
P.S. I’ve been told that friendships that are born of pity are not appreciated at that age either.

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