By Yehudis Bluming – Shlucha, North Carolina
Last week, I received a message from a friend that tore my heart and took my sleep.
With permission, I am sharing:
“Yehudis, I must share this with you. Yesterday I was standing on Kingston Avenue and watched friends who grew up together with me. We were so close and we all looked forward to High School and Seminary. We all spoke of prospects, our hopes, and dreams of marriage. We were all together in our dreams. Then suddenly they passed me by in life, and I am left behind.
I now watch them sharing pictures of their children, their vacations with their husbands and elaborate Shabbos dinners, and here I am – still single.
I never thought I would still be here… I thought that by this Pesach I would finally be engaged, yet another Yom Tov passed me by. I feel like I am in the train station, the trains are passing me by and I remain on the platform once again. Who understands my loneliness, frustration, fear, helplessness, and hopelessness?”
My heart was breaking for my friend, and that pain was compounded when thinking of the pain of her parents. Who can fathom the pain of her parents and so many other parents going through this. There is no stone larger than the one that sits on the heart of a mother and father as they think every day, actually, every waking minute …of their child. El Hanaar Hazeh Hispallalti- I cry and pray for this child!
Hashem …When? How much longer?
My friends, these singles are OUR brothers, sisters, classmates, relatives, and neighbors!
There are way over a thousand mature singles who have been in the dating scene for over 3 years (and that is on the lower end of the spectrum) that have yet to find their partner in life.
The numbers are alarming and heart-wrenching. We are clearly facing a challenge of epic proportion.
I am not here to write another op-ed on the crisis. We have all read more than enough of the written word on this subject. I’m here with a collaborative solution!
It’s simply impossible for shadchanim to do the job alone! I was raised in the home of a dedicated Shadchan; my mother, Mrs. Rochel Heber A”H, who dedicated her life nonstop to these precious singles. She spent her nights and days on the phone and meeting these young singles, and as many hours as she spent helping them it was still never enough. The work load was hard, and emotionally draining. She wrote to the Rebbe many times that she wanted to stop being involved in this overwhelming endeavor. Yet, time and time again the Rebbe kept responding to continue with greater measure and telling her that the Brochos for such vital work is endless.
We need to mobilize .. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US. We can’t outsource this issue to our heroic shadchonim. It takes a village to make it happen!
The good news is that a quiet revolution has begun.
Modeled after a highly successful program in Israel called “Ichpat Li”, whose goal is to substantially reduce the number of mature girls and guys still searching for their bashert, we have created an American Model of “The Shidduch Influencer program.” 60 people have joined this past week alone!
The goal is very simple and not so time-consuming 😉 – Become a partner!
1. Commit to being an advocate, an influencer, to tend to ONE SINGLE friend or relative. We all have busy lives, but we must dedicate at least 10 minutes a day to think of THAT ONE – to help create a match.
2. Join a Whattsapp group of like-minded people sharing ideas, names, and profiles.
Text 919 357 5904 and ask to join.
3. When becoming a Shidduch influencer you will get complete access to Chabadmatch website as any other Shadchan, profiles and all, empowering you to have the resources to help do the search.
4. We have contacted many Shadchanim that will be mentors to the influencers.
When coming up with a name these Shadchanim will help facilitate your idea to the next level.
5. Share and Sign up a friend to join too.
Remember that you don’t need to be an expert or have a degree to make a shidduch, As the Rebbe once told a man, the ingredients to be a Shadchan is a desire to be of help!
To the singles out there. You dated someone and he wasn’t for you?
Pick up the phone, maybe he’s for your friend, call and advocate on her behalf.
Join the revolution taking place for the brides and grooms of tomorrow.
Sign up NOW and join a group of dedicated volunteers who want to change one life at a time.
As the Rebbe wrote in a letter:
I was pleased to hear that both of you are endeavoring [to help] with regard to shidduchim The magnitude of such efforts can be appreciated from our Sages’ statement that from the Six Days of Creation onward, the Holy One, blessed be He, is occupied with making matches. Whosoever endeavors [to assist] in these matters will receive great reward.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XI, p. 138)
Hashem should bentch every single one of you and we should merit to see the joy on the faces of our single friends and family as they stand under the Chuppah!
You are one of a kind!thinking of everyone and not stopping with your great ideas
God bless you
So powerful and needed
I will txt and join
Everyone signs up to be an advocate?
I’m an older single – and the only person I’d want to be involved in the details of my shidduch is maybe my mother …
We singles know that the yeshua can come through any person … but it’s not like we’re dying to have our friends and extended families involved in the intricate details. Suggesting a name is a nice gesture. But people tend to get too involved. It’s personal..
and I love my mother- yet its 7 years of dating
I am more than glad that someone else should help
There wouldnt be this problem if parents were the magic bullet
Totally disagree. You must still be very young. We need all the help we can get. If you don’t feel you need all the help offered , you are obviously not an older single. So a simple thank you for the help would be much more appropriate than your comment. Wishing you blessings and success with the next person you go out with.
dont tell others how to feel. people have the right to have different opinions than you. you dont get to “disagree” with someone’s feelings. stop imposing your help on us when we ask you to back off
This should not be about a bunch of people suggesting names on some chat group without even knowing if those people would like them to be putting down their name. It should be absolutely required to ask the person being discussed FIRST if this is something THEY WANT done
All parents and friends should be signing a clause of secrecy to never talk or try to help friends unless given explicit permission
That’s makes a lot of sense
AS Yidden we are bound and responsible to each other..and commanded that it is forbidden to stand by
Of course -it must be done with sensitivity and dignity
firstly, please start yourself to act with sensitivity by curbing your sarcasm secondly, the comment you responded to did not say not to help, it was specifically addressing people talking about others as a group, such as on whatsapp or a shidduch group you have no idea if the person even wants you to do that not everyone wants to be discussed by a bunch of people, as well meaning as you might be you need to first make sure the person is happy for you to talk about them on a group chat, you mention sensitivity and dignity- who… Read more »
Don’t view me (us) with pity.
It’s really demoralizing to be pitied, davened for, cried for, looked down upon, seen as less-than …
It’s great that you’re trying to help
But the true respect and sensitivity you can show to another human being is to treat them the way they wish to be treated (better, the way YOUD want to be treated) which is to view them and treat them with respect and positivity – to be happy for their successes – and to believe, with them, that it’s all going to work out
I am not sure where you saw that in the article
In the most dignified and eloquent way , she asked that people respectfully get involved and don’t ignore a growing reality
I think if I was in your shoes – i hoped people cared
But sometimes we still need a friendly reminder not to pity older singles. They are not terminally ill Baruch Hashem. They are not depressed Baruch Hashem. And even in cases who are – it’s still better not to pity. Pity is arrogance and makes the other person feel small. It is so so kind of people to try and help. But still, remember to respect the one you are trying to help, he /she doesn’t want to feel nebach, sad, less-than, needing help, pitied, etc… it’s just something people need to be reminded of, and somehow this article reminded me… Read more »
if someone feels like you are talking down to her, maybe there is something there. she wasn’t talking to you directly, she probably never met you. but i feel like im treated like a less than way too often
If I may add my 2 cents: if mothers in law ( the boys mother) are out of the picture and shatchanim are here ONLY to encourage as apose to forcing, then a lot more shidduchim will pull through. Dont create a problem,
WHEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! Remember: it’s the young man AND young women, WHO END OF GETTING MARRIED! NOT THE MOTHER IN LAW OR SHADCHIN!
The goal is to substantially reduce the number of mature girls & guys
still searching for their bashert, by taking an active personal role.
We begin by identifying ONE SINGLE friend or relative.
You will have access to many profiles and list to search thru
You will join a group of passionate woman or men
who want to do the same and share potential ideas
You will be connected to a group of Shadchonim
that are waiting to act on your suggestion
It takes a village !
Always coming up with new ideas to help the community!
As someone who has been on the scene for over 5 years, I think this is a piece that has been missing from the Shidduch scene for way too long. Thank you for taking this initiative!
I am a single on one of the WhatsApp groups where people post resumes all day long. The biggest problem I’ve found while looking through them is that some people don’t bother to write anything on their resume. It’s just their name, siblings, and references. Let’s be real, if there are hundreds are profiles to go through I’m not going to stop by yours. Singles should write a bit about themselves and what they’re looking for to help speed the process.
I was a blank resume single and I married late BH. But it was blank because i wasn’t clear who i was and what i needed in a shidduch. Once i passed that hurdle the rest flowed.
So then why have a resume to begin with?
As a thirty year old single I appreciate you trying to get involved and help this situation. I feel that there are some families who never had a challenge with shidduchim and they feel that if someone is thirty, something must be wrong with them. The truth is as Chassidim we know Hashem runs the world and is constantly recreating every moment with a plan and purpose. I hope there are singles who can look beyond those who blame us as if it is are fault. This initiative is extremely important and hopefully it will be a tool for many… Read more »
There are already WhatsApp groups for shidduchim. What’s the difference here?
Is not just to share names
The influencers will have accsess to much more profiles and info and Shadchonim waiting to help
I really don’t know how my daughters married classmates sleep well at night. My daughter was popular, friendly and would watch out for girls who didn’t have it easy. Her friends who BH married rarely look back. I know your BH busy. But you really have an obligation to your friends. Once a week or month, think of a shidduch for your still single classmates.
Don’t assume we don’t try, we think every day about our single friends
I’ve tried to Shadchan older singles. If the parents aren’t realistic of what their children are all about, how do you handle it?
Just work with the singles directly. They are adults.
when parents are standing in the way, i go straight to the single….after all, if they think they are old enough to be married, then they are mature enough to receive a shidduch suggestion and then confer with a mashpia and/or married friend for guidance
I conferred with my single friends when I was dating. Their advice was a lot more insightful than any friends who married at 20. Being married doesn’t make you more knowledgeable in these areas. (I’m married now bh)
This is a huge issue. I feel that anyone that helps in this is doing the ultimate job in this world. Think about it.. Thousands of Jewish souls are waiting to come down to this world and bring moshiach and hundreds of older girls and boys are having a hard time committing / connecting to each other. I do think it’s more then just setting people up. Some older singles need guidance, encouragement, and mentors to walk them through this. As people get older there can be more “baggage”. So just a suggestion would be to set up qualified people… Read more »
just putting it out ….if you are married and have big kids don’t think of yourself as higher and greater…these girls tend to hold themselves higher than their unmarried classmates AND DONT SAY HELLO….it’s time we put ourselves out there to be mentchlict to each other
PLEASE DONT ASK FOR MONEY I’M NOT ONLY THERE TO GIVE YOU DONATIONS!!!!!!!
And invite me over for Shabbos Dinner and include me for Yom Tov
We are Chabad for G- d sake
Why do I have to beg ?
please please do NOT post about anyone without their permission! it is so disrespectful and dehumanizing! and most people who do this dont bother asking the single what it is they are looking for, they just assume.
I have had issues in the past with such websites like chabadmatch where they did not take me seriously when i had a complaint because i was single. they instead emailed my mother behind my back even though i was almost 30!! please be careful. people are so eager to help and they often cause more pain
As baalei teshuva with histories, my wife shetichye and myself were the last last suit in the store and the last dress on the rack. The challenges of making it work have brought us incredibly close to HaShem, more than we ever thought possible. It’s nice to find your exact place in the aristocracy, but at what cost?
So brilliant thank you for taking lead! If we all thought of that one single we could help so many more shidduchim happen faster! It truly does take a village ! thank you for taking the lead!
Thank you for standing up and doing something positive!! 👏👏👏
This should be a hachlata of every young and not-so-young, recently married couple: Right after sheva brachos they should begin to think of his friends and her friends, and who might ‘work’ with whom. They know their friends, and there’s a good likelihood that there will be some that might be a good match. Several of my children found their bashert this way.
You want the best for your son and brother. Perhaps your image of ideal girl for the bochur you care so much about tends to be over critical? Feeling in the know? . Please pause to consider the tremendous responsibility it is albeit well meaning to “prevent” a couples happiness and beautiful family they will bezh be blessed with. True, “she״ or her parents may not be exactly your vision, consider this, she may not be exactly as someone else describes or understands either. To all parents of boys and girls Each one is hashems precious and only child. When… Read more »
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
Maybe we need to be more humble and look up to people.
See the good minimize the bad.
in shidduchim ” although we need to look for maalos there’s a difference if you look with a generous eye”.
The title says it all.
Opposites do attract.
Let your child meet the suggestion.
You might be seeing your child differently than what actually is.
What if – and this is just a crazy thought here – but what if we stopped putting so much emphasis on marriage? What if being single was normal? What if a person could be a complete human being all on their own? What if, right here in the community, single people were allowed to want to stay single and just live their lives? Finding a life partner is nice if you want it, but what is so horrible about being alone? I’d bet at least half the married couples in this community wish they’d never gotten married in the… Read more »
I’m 23 and haven’t dated yet for this reason. I’m not ready to get married. I can’t say it’s easy when every day another classmate gets engaged or has a baby but I’m content and happy. And I wish people would just accept that.
Take your time, or choose to never get married at all, do whatever makes you happy at your own pace.
Shes only 23 and you are already throwing at her “or chose never to get married at all” Card at her?! That’s low. How about stick to “you do you, whatever Hashem has destined for you and whatever you chose, we will support you.” That’s the right approach. People are so ill mannered.
Just not one Jewish source for that
Why do I need some Rabbi to quote some text in order for me to be considered a complete person?
I am complete because I exist, period.
I don’t believe that Hashem would rather I be trapped in a marriage I don’t want to be in, than single and happy on my own. If a Rabbi disagrees, he should re-read the Torah.
Especially your last sentence. A lot of couples are forced to get married to people who they dont want or with circumstances they didnt choose the package to come with and then they live miserable lives by being blackmailed not to divorce or if they do divorce, then at least for themselves they are free but the society looks down on them “how dare you divorce”. I always say: stay you! Dont live your life for someone else for then its downhill straight to the bottom. Stay you: at the end of the day in ANY circumstance you have you!… Read more »
You raise a good point on an ideological social emotional front,
But we are Jewish and mostly frum
And it is indeed a mitzva to get married and build a Jewish home
You should not force yourself to do so, but it is certainly a value from a Torah view point
this is over due so so needed thank you so much for making this
the Rebbe mentioned in many of his letters about this situation ,his answers
were basically two points,#1 did the parents make a kiddish for them when they were born,( it can still be made) #2 it’s possible from a previous shiddich that somebody was wronged or upset, in which case an apology should be given .(I believe verbally)
I know there were a number of times that the Rebbe asked if anyone was offended in an earlier shiduch.
I have not yes seen any source from THE REBBE about a kiddush.
it sounds like a good idea, I just have not seen it from the Rebbe.
likely I’m wrong. if I am please do post a source.
I want this and I want that. I wont date this and I wont date that. I need this and I need that. If I suggest someone different, I am not a good listener. If I try to make expectations more realistic,I am not being sensitive to their needs. A lot of singles and parents need a reality check. A lot of the boys are just nebach, not learners, not earners and want beauty queens. A lot of the girls want the learner, earner and a basket of other things in a 20 something year old. Be a well-adjusted person,… Read more »
I’ve heard this before, not being said directly to me but I’ve heard these complaints before, and as a single I find it so draining when people say these kinds of things. How do you know where I’m at in my journey. How do you know how many times I’ve tried to make it work and am now realizing I have to be more selective. How do you know what I can and should seek in a partner. How do you know how I should think feel and operate. Unless I’m being unappreciative and rude to you, you should not… Read more »
With all due respect,
the boys need to realize not every girl will look stunning, have a great figure, be a perfect weight or height, be dressed to the hilt and have a personality and character to match,
life doesn’t work that way.
Every girl needs to realize that not every bochur will look stunning, be tall, dark and handsome have a great sense of humour be witty, be a talmid chochom, have a career lined up,
life doesn’t work that way.
Both girl and boy need to lower their expectations a little, otherwise the STATUS QUO continues !!!
I seldom meet a never-married person past their early sixties who doesn’t feel like they’re not getting as much attention and/or help as they would like from others. Generally, and this is ONLY a generalization, married (or once married) folks are more surrounded by family than never-marrieds and the feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by people, is far, far less of an issue…
P.S. I’ve been told that friendships that are born of pity are not appreciated at that age either.