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Tuesday, 15 Sivan, 5779
  |  June 18, 2019

    I Have Bipolar and Want to Get Married

    From the COLlive Inbox: A young woman in Shidduchim tells the truth about dating with bipolar disorder. Full Story

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    I understand
    Guest
    I understand

    While I don’t have bipolar, I do have a psychological issue. I too go to therapy and am on daily medication to help keep me calm and stable. And, I too, have only told people about it after the 3rd or 4th dates. It’s a shame that we as a group can’t be more open and public about these things (that are no fault of ours!), in fear of ‘putting a blemish on our names’. I too hope that one day that attitude will be healed. Because of this stigma I am forced to leave this anonymously as well, and… Read more »

    Please contact me
    Guest
    Please contact me

    Hello, Thank for sharing your struggle. I think I can help. I have a fantastic new shidduch approach which has worked for many of my clients in the past and I would be glad to assist you free of charge. Please feel free to reach out and I will give you additional details. My email address is [email protected].

    wow
    Guest
    wow

    praying that you find your bashert soon

    good for you for being strong and proud of who you are!!

    How brave you are!
    Guest
    How brave you are!

    A big shout-out to you for taking such good care of yourself, first of all, and for sharing your story with everyone. May Hashem bring you your soulmate very quickly, especially in the zechus of this article.

    Brave
    Guest
    Brave

    The strengh you posess is undescribable!
    May you find your bashert soon enough!

    mitzva
    Guest
    mitzva

    we should learn from this how important is for someone to take this mitzva in hand -to find shiduchum for thise with known handicaps, as above. these people wre part of society, i was told by a peoffessional that many of the best doctors, layers etc. are actually bi polar- which gives them the enerdy to acheive great accomplichments- and you dont even know that maybe your best doctor is also like this. so why shouldnt some one entertain doing a shiduch with such a person. the same is with other handicaps. what amitzva would a shadchan who can help… Read more »

    Aaron
    Guest
    Aaron

    BS”D I second # 4 comment and Amen

    Very Wise Decision
    Guest
    Very Wise Decision

    Telling up front is a wise idea. I have a good friend who agreed to meet someone with bipolar disease.. Knowing this information beforehand meant that when they met they were able to focus on each other’s positive points. Boruch Hashem, they are happily married.

    Really Beautiful
    Guest
    Really Beautiful

    Thank you for writing such an honest and open letter. You write with a lot of understanding and maturity. May you find your bashert soon

    In the field
    Guest
    In the field

    Ive had many pts in past yrs and yes,bipolar illness is very difficult but mostly for those who refuse to take their meds.Many don’t believe they are ill.
    YOU Seem to be taking excellent care of yourself and that’s so so important.
    Good for you.

    Beautiful quality of humility
    Guest
    Beautiful quality of humility

    You are medication compliant majorly
    You are responsible and take your therapy seriously
    These qualities are solid character skills that bring much to a marriage.
    Do meds effect fetus chvsh.?
    All the best to you.

    Impressed
    Guest
    Impressed

    And so true….
    You definitely do deserve that special someone…may it be soon.
    And may all of society realize the prevalence and abilities of those of us with mental illness…

    Amazing
    Guest
    Amazing

    What a hero you are!!! You deserve a great guy who will appreciate your honesty, humor and how well you manage your situation. Wishing you tons of hatzlacha and may others learn acceptance and honesty from you!

    Who is the Shadchan?
    Guest
    Who is the Shadchan?

    It sounds like you have an amazing team behind you, including a phenomenal and attentive shadchan. How can others get in touch with her?

    totally agree
    Guest
    totally agree

    My sisters have mental health issues, and sometimes they go to the hospital but otherwise they are totally sweet and amazing people

    THANK YOU!
    Guest
    THANK YOU!

    Hi, Thank you for sharing your story, its about time for things to be put in perspective and stigmas to be thrown out the window. I have bipolar too and Thank GD am happily married with children,. I believe people who have had past traumas are more sensitive to others.
    The main thing people need to know is that you are a good person, you have a handle on this issue, and you take your meds responsibly. and most importantly you have a sense of humor:)
    I pray you find your Bashert very soon!!

    You are so amazing!
    Guest
    You are so amazing!

    I am assuming your family helped you earlier to get diagnosis and help. Even that is still big today. I know too many families with children who desperately need help and parents ignore it, for fear of shiduchim issues. Oish. So proud of your amazing level of self care. A mature guy would be proud to have such a strong and couragous woman as his partner. Hope Hashem sends him to you Mamash!

    Refreshing article!
    Guest
    Refreshing article!

    Thank you so much anonymou author! We all need to hear this!

    So brave
    Guest
    So brave

    Thank you for opening up the conversation to this important issue. I knew that my husband had bipolar before we began dating. It made the dating process smoother as there was no shock to deal with. I agree with your way and want to send you hugs and let you know that you made a great decision. May you find your bashert real soon. And for all those who are wary about bipolar: My husband is the most dedicated, caring, considerate spouse. He is a great Dad too. Do your research, call dr.’s, speak to therapists, make sure the history… Read more »

    to # 6
    Guest
    to # 6

    It’s not a handicap.

    Beautifully written
    Guest
    Beautifully written

    I commend the author and hope she finds her bashert very soon.

    I just want to point out that some men are emotionally immature and are therefore unable to deal with a wife who needs frequent emotional support. There are also men who just want to tune out and not “deal” with their wive’s colorful moods. You DON’T want to end up with these men (nobody does, but especially you) and that is why you are making the RIGHT choice by being upfront about your bipolar condition.

    Beautiful
    Guest
    Beautiful

    Thanks for sharing. Sounds like a real struggle and you sound so brave. Keep it up

    well put
    Guest
    well put

    and from the heart. may u have a yeshua bekarov besoch all others who need one.

    To the writer of the article!!
    Guest
    To the writer of the article!!

    Thank you very much for sharing, I’m bi-polar to, and ready for shidduchim.. And was wondering what to do.. Though I’m not on medication and only visit the doctor once a month..

    Not that smart..
    Guest
    Not that smart..

    I have bipolar, and I would never tell someone I date about my condition before I get to know them.. Because then they will just pass it on to someone else and there it goes for your shidduch, most people don’t want to marry you if you’re bipolar..

    Mental Health
    Guest
    Mental Health

    we have to embrace mental health in the frum community.
    thank God you know what you have and know what to do.
    so many people are suffering without knowing.

    Bold and beautiful and brave
    Guest
    Bold and beautiful and brave

    Thx for sharing your story … what a wonderful honest person u are … with so much obvious bitachin and emunah .. we have much to learn from you and your outlook …. in the zchus of this may Hashem send you your bashert …

    Advantage
    Guest
    Advantage

    I would like to point out that anyone who marries this wonderful person has a great advantage. Mental illness is so common but usually expresses itself or is found after marriage. All too often then, the spouse resists a diagnosis and help, not taking responsibility for it and even can end up blaming the other spouse for the problems. That is very often the nature of mental illness. What do you prefer guys???. A mature wonderful lady who takes responsibility for herself or a possibility of discovering something later in marriage that can destroy the marriage

    My husband is bipolar as well
    Guest
    My husband is bipolar as well

    And has a very productive life we have 4 children
    He has jobs with very big responsibilitys and over a lot of people , people very much appreciate the way he works and most of important his interactions with people,
    Very special person and his illness only affected his life in a positive way.

    To 11
    Guest
    To 11

    Regarding pregnancy- from what I understand some medications are ok and some not. The prescribing doctor will make a plan to get the mother on the right medication before pregnancy.

    BP living
    Guest
    BP living

    I’m married to someone with BP and eating disorders.
    For 10 years, needless to say a disastrous outcome.
    It’s sometimes better to realize the suffering that condition brings to others. Hatzlachah

    Aaron
    Guest
    Aaron

    BS”D Could be Hashem gave you this just for the leadership, encouragement, strength, will to succeed etc etc etc that you have exhibited and shown others in the same and similar situation.

    Medication is not the only solution
    Guest
    Medication is not the only solution

    Neurofeedback has proven to cure! While your doctor may not agree, I have trained people who got rid of their mental sickness and their doctor at the same time!
    Hatzlacha raba in all you do!

    Amazing article!
    Guest
    Amazing article!

    You have worked through your emotions more than ppl without issues .. nd this is a huge plus in real life!! U would make an awesome partner/ mother. Much hatzlacha

    to #20
    Guest
    to #20

    yes it is

    look for equal
    Guest
    look for equal

    there’s something that hasn’t been said.
    permit me…
    people with one challenge should seek to marry people with another challenge.
    that way there’s no begging for acceptance as the author is doing.
    there’s a simple understanding, i’ll accept your polio and you accept my bipolar

    Why shall the Shadchen know?
    Guest
    Why shall the Shadchen know?

    Your Mental Health is Your business.
    When the time comes you can disclose the proper information to the one you are dating and have him speak to your DR/THERAPIST if he has concerns

    From the Author
    Guest
    From the Author

    Thank you all for your validation of how challenging and yet how I cope with this so well. I hope this is an eye opener for some, life with bipolar can continue on as long as it’s cared for appropriately. I appreciate all your Brachos and imyh Hashem will send the right one just when he is ready! I would like to respond a bit, To #10 Thank you for comment. Unfortantly when someone takes their meds while having bipolar and they do feel better it is a challenge to stay on them because you feel fine. Sadly, once someone… Read more »

    To the author:
    Guest
    To the author:

    Thank you for the best post on Shidduchim I have ever read. You are honest & humble & realistic, & successful, and your bashert is out there: a good person who can see beyond your condition. As for #36 – YOURS is one of the most insensitive & callous posts I ever read. It seems you believe this girl is damaged goods. She isn’t. She has a medical condition. One of my children who has ZERO health issues was redt to a potential spouse who is an insulin dependent diabetic.We checked with our family doctor who said there shouldn’t be… Read more »

    A new approach
    Guest
    A new approach

    Thank you I always thought mental health was a disease and taboo. Now I have anew respect and new understanding and will never think a negative thought of someone who is going through it.

    To 35
    Guest
    To 35

    When treated it’s not a handicap at all – these ppl can be way above average- had a professor When I was learning in college now this guy was as brilliant as it gets and was bipolar
    And there are CEO of massive companies woe are bipolar
    As well as leaders in many Fields
    When not treated – it a different story

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Beautiful article! Any way to get in touch with the author to match up girls and boys in similar situations?

    Meds are not the only answer
    Guest
    Meds are not the only answer

    Please do yourself a favor and get a second opinion, and even start working with a naturopath or holistic doctor. Meds are often a very terrible solution that can end tragically, may Hashem save us. In addition, from the Shadchan and the bochur’s perspective CAN YOU BLAME US? Those pills have a dangerous affect on pregnant women and go thru the placenta, and go into breast milk. The bochur and the Shadchan are only thinking practically. I once tried to make a Shidduch with a lady who did not tell me she was on several meds for mental health issues.… Read more »

    Thanks
    Guest
    Thanks

    Thanks for addressing the issue. The more it is talked about the less stigmatized psychological problems will be. The mention of any psychological issues usually scares people but it is very common and can be managed.
    To the commentaries that advise getting off the meds, yes pharmaceutical companies and some doctors have incentive to medicate and alternative forms of medicine can work but just leave it at ‘look into alternatives too’ don’t go playing doctor. These meds, despite everything else, have allowed people to live relatively normal lives. Your comments, if worded wrongly, are dangerous.

    is not a big deal
    Guest
    is not a big deal

    many many many people have bipolar disorder and many people have worst personality disorders and they do OK find a good loving partner and you will get in a good place

    To number 31
    Guest
    To number 31

    Not all cases of mental illness is negative. Maybe the person you married didn’t take care of it properly so therefore it was hard on the family? Bc not taking care of a mental illness properly can lead to very challenging times. When one tasks care of it properly and with the right support they can flourish really nicely as people in society. There are many people that have a mental or emotional disorder and you wouldn’t even know because they are such good hearted people and have it all under control. Many times these people are extra sensitive because… Read more »

    To 43
    Guest
    To 43

    Homeopathy works wonders for many ailments. Bipolar isn’t one of them. Western medicine is often very much necessary, as it is with this case. Please read up on this thoroughly (BOTH sides.) Mental health disorders cannot be cured by faith. There’s a reason God created doctors. If we didn’t need them they wouldn’t exist.

    Number 43
    Guest
    Number 43

    Well said

    To #33
    Guest
    To #33

    Is there any way to contact you?

    mendel
    Guest
    mendel

    I know someone that has bipolar and has raised a wonderful family. People should just know this.

    תניא help
    Guest
    תניא help

    Dr will not make u happy u must learn Tanya perakim26-34 it’s help better then פסיכיאטר בדוק ומנוסה
    read the book אם בישראל
    And the rebbe הוראות in our generation only שמחה

    Very Pleased!
    Guest
    Very Pleased!

    Exceptionally pleased COL printed this, brought this out, and kudos to the author…in my mind, and I am sure many others you stand 10 feet tall.

    Hatzlocho!

    To #25
    Guest
    To #25

    There is a simple reason why you should tell them in advance: The person living with you has to be someone who accepts you for who you are. If you don’t tell them upfront, even if they choose to marry you they may still feel like they were “conned” into dating you etc. Mental illness definitely requires an UNDERSTANDING spouse. If he or she is not willing to “deal with it”, then you must move on and find someone that will. Your shadchan has to be smart and know how to present it in the right manner, that’s what it… Read more »

    Ur brave
    Guest
    Ur brave

    Of living with someone who has bipolar I don’t think its a stigma, rather fear and heartache as u watch them hurt so many people.

    To 54
    Guest
    To 54

    There are many men and woman with bipolar disorder that are harmless and good hearted. Your comment reflects more about you than someone who has bipolar.

    To #43 & 35
    Guest
    To #43 & 35

    Excuse me what u are saying makes no sense in the time of Reb Nachman M’Breslav BP didn’t exist u can just say do this & this & it will go away, I asked Reb Simon Jacobson once abt the Depression it speaks abt in Chassidus which the Alter Rebbe discusses & BP Didn’t, he said what Chassidus is talking abt isn’t clinical & mental deppresion, it’s talking abt a regular person who is having deppresion abt a certain thing BP Depression he said that person should see a Dr & Psychiatrist right away, so u wana mix Reb Nachman… Read more »

    From the Author
    Guest
    From the Author

    To #43 I completely hear you about medication. I have spoken to homeopaths, I’ve even traveled to Europe to seek treatment there. The honest truth is that being that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain there is no better way to treat it then with medication! I can’t stress that enough. Yes there is side effects, yes during pregnancy I need to be closely monitored. And no I will not nurse my baby. It’s ok. They will be just fine with bottles And lots of love and warmth can be given in other ways. On the flip side,… Read more »

    other side of the coin
    Guest
    other side of the coin

    some types of bipolar disorder are very difficult to manage. during manic episodes psychosis can occur and believe me it’s scary stuff. as the poster wrote taking meds is non negotiable. i think you have to be upfront and honest from
    the get go.

    thanks
    Guest
    thanks

    Thank you for writing this article.
    G-d bless you to find your better half very soon.

    I have some advise for you...
    Guest
    I have some advise for you...

    As a guy that has dated and is now married.
    I understand your issue.
    I would suggest you remain honest but negate the negative.
    So for example, you tell the guy, I take medication but it is under control. It is mild, stuff like that.

    When a guy sees that it is not a big deal for you, and you have the issue under control, it will make him confident to remain dating.

    Remember, guys are human too. They are scared to date a girl that turns south. Be human about it.

    Life Is Chaotic!
    Guest
    Life Is Chaotic!

    Thank you author for a beautifully written and spot on article. We all have “mental” issues. It would seem to me, the difference between this author and ourselves is the author has dealt with her issues and most of us have not. But life will catch up with the rest of us, and we too will need to struggle through chaos. Think you’re even keeled and have it all together? Think again! Yossi wakes up in the morning. Slept well. He is happy. He goes to shul and someone flippantly says a nasty comment to him. Comes home upset. The… Read more »

    sorry to be so blunt, but...
    Guest
    sorry to be so blunt, but...

    the reality is that the stigma is stronger than all trust, love, and support put together. i am so sorry for your condition, yet in reality chances are you will have a difficult time. may g-d have mercy on us all!

    Question for woman who raised family with bipolar
    Guest
    Question for woman who raised family with bipolar

    Personally, I would be concerned about a shidduch with a young lady with a mental health issue, not because of stigma, but more because of the possible practical effect. Can a woman who successfully raised a family with bipolar answer this: how do you manage when you can’t get enough sleep due to a newborn keeping you up at night, or how do you manage when you can’t eat right due to the fact that kids can demand care and attention at random times (pushing off or shortening meal prep and meal times)? Basically how does bipolar interact with the… Read more »

    I wish I had a son for you
    Guest
    I wish I had a son for you

    Hatzlacha and I bless you to find the right one easily and soon. Hope others realize how common mental illness is and those with it are just as normal as those without

    to #61
    Guest
    to #61

    great comment. 1 in 5 people will experience a mental disorder throughout life it .can range from Panick Disorder, Schizophrenia, OCD, Depression, Agraphobia, Bipolar, ADHD, GED and so on… so it has to be that 1 in 5 from the frum community also have a disorder . There are people who need to seek help but don’t because if there shiduch finds out it can be a mekach taus after marriage…. But wait, if someone has depression and didn’t seek help than went on to get married and didn’t take care of it why is that not a greater mekach… Read more »

    My 2 cents
    Guest
    My 2 cents

    Reading this interest as dealing with a child with mental health issues. Have a lot to say… But this is not the place… A few comments.. 1. Commend the author tremendously for dealing with the condition so positively, you must have amazing supportive parents. Hatzlacha with finding a shiduch! Keep up your bitachon, we can all learn from it! 2.The stigma must be removed! The illness would be do much less painful for those suffering from it if they didnt feel the shame and as if they are damaged goods cv. People have rachmonis on others when there is pysical… Read more »

    To Author
    Guest
    To Author

    I respect you, and I love you.

    Best of luck in your journey.

    What about the fact that it is hereditary?
    Guest
    What about the fact that it is hereditary?

    I know a fantastic girl, who would make an amazing wife, mother, shlucha. But her father had bp. It is so hard to find someone even to date her. They are afraid that their children might have it too

    with the old breed
    Guest
    with the old breed

    You are great. You are not alone. We all love you. One never knows from where your Mate will come. Stay open minded and pray it works.

    Yasher Koach, author!
    Guest
    Yasher Koach, author!

    I appreciate your honesty and practicality; but most of all, I appreciate your answer in comment #57. I developed clinical depression following post-natal depression. I have been on medication for over 20 years and expect I will be for the rest of my life, or until Moshiach comes. I have had many moments of self-doubt over this, so I thank you wholeheartedly for reinforcing the necessity of it. And I am grateful to the Aibeshter for providing the means to treat my chemical imbalance so I can function fully in all the roles He has given me. May we hear… Read more »

    It's an attitude problem
    Guest
    It's an attitude problem

    BH
    The community at large has a huge attitude problem and has it’s head buried in the sand . 1 in 5 people are struggling with some kind of mental health issue Shidduchim shouldn’t be hindered because people are narrow minded this girl should have people running after her as she’s taking care of herself quite well better most likely than so called “normal” people living in their parents basement. Wake up people this isn’t the way we were taught let’s practice what we preach.

    A fellow bipolar
    Guest
    A fellow bipolar

    Hi, I’m a an Israeli Baal Teshuva who is also bipolar and live In Orange county California. Even so I’m almost 40 I am not looking for shiduch now days yet, as I just started to be observant. Until I saw this article I was concern about finding shiduch in the orthodox world but your article has inspired me.i would like to hear more and get your advice. You are welcome to contact me at [email protected] yeshar koach!

    You should be married to your true beshert very soon and set a
    Guest
    You should be married to your true beshert very soon and set a

    real example of a happy, content couple and ultimately family. BS”D!

    Medication is not the only solution
    Guest
    Medication is not the only solution

    Neurofeedback and biomagnetism are real healers, not band-aid for the rest of your life.
    For whoever asked, [email protected] to contact me.
    Neuroptimal.com and biomagnetismusa.com to look it up

    No excuses
    Guest
    No excuses

    Just do it
    No explanations
    No recriminations
    100’s of Bochurim would jump at the chance
    Go for it

    Bsoros tovos
    Guest
    Bsoros tovos

    Please let us all know!!
    You will be a wonderful wife and Mother! Hatzlacha!

    Your a real "catch"!!!!!!
    Guest
    Your a real "catch"!!!!!!

    Maybe post your Shadchans info in case someone has a Shidduch for you.
    Hatzlacha.

    To #63
    Guest
    To #63

    There are challenges in raising children if you have a mental illness or you don’t. There are always challenges that can come up for us all. Bipolar may make a mother need extra support after a baby, but if a mother was on bed rest everyone would understand that the mother can’t do their regular role too and needs more help too. Just like a person on bed rest might need more help and can’t do things around the house, a person after birth might need more help. For a mother who just gave birth and has bipolar they might… Read more »

    to #62
    Guest
    to #62

    did you read anywhere in the article or in the thread that follows that the stigma resulting from this or similar conditions is easy to avoid or overcome ? that’s obviously one of the main points the author is making and your need to reiterate it so negatively and insensitively really doesn’t pass for benign honesty. instead, it indicates a need to vocalize negativity and pessimism that’s difficult to put up with. now that’s a trait a lot of people would avoid when looking for a shidduch.

    The Author
    Guest
    The Author

    When I wrote this article it was not because I was in need for approval. I B”H have an incredible support system. I wrote this more of an eye opener to the general public of what a functional and healthy life one can lead while having mental illness if it’s taken care of correctly. My recommendation for all who would like to remove the stigma and misunderstandings regarding Mental Illness is educate yourself, here is a highly recommended book ” The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide” the more educated we are as a community the more we can understand and embrace… Read more »

    to #43
    Guest
    to #43

    You obviously don’t have a child or have experienced bi-polar closely or you would never be saying such non-sense

    Medication can be very effective as well as balanced nutrition, exercise and a good therapist. I have a lot of respect for Rabbi Nachman and his teachings but a doctor? where did you read that?
    please don’t mix up facts with your own un-researched approach to dealing with bi-polar. This girl is right on track

    I have bipolar and am interested
    Guest
    I have bipolar and am interested

    I’ve read your story and am interested in a potential shidduch.
    Author please contact me at [email protected]

    A reminder not to confuse writer with other accountants
    Guest
    A reminder not to confuse writer with other accountants

    Just a reminder to please be careful not to jump to conclusions about your local single acccountants. Probably the writer works in a different field and chose this one to protect her identity. Thank you.
    A very important and inspiring article. All best wishes to the writer.

    X