By anonymous
Hi there. You might know me. If you don’t know me, chances are you know someone like me. I am a typical Lubavitcher bochur, making my way through the system. By all external appearances, I am doing just fine. I show up to seder, I sit by farbrengens, and I try to stay on hanhala’s good side. You might even say I’m doing very well, relative to many of my peers. I’m confident in my chassidishkeit, and I view it as the most important part of my life.
But there’s another side of the story that you don’t see. While my external life has been mostly full of blessings and free of serious challenges or difficulties, internally I have been struggling for a long time. And even so, I am one of the lucky ones.
I remember vividly the day I started Mesivta. I was excited, nervous, and somewhat naive, ready to start a new phase of my life. At the beginning, it was going great. I showed up, I made great friends, and I was happy. But soon enough, teenage hood caught up to me. I began to question, challenge, and to be honest I didn’t get satisfying answers. I fell into the trap of phone addiction, and nobody was there to help me. I began to explore new sources of excitement from the tempting secular culture.
With time, I stopped seeing Yiddishkeit as something that was very relevant to my life. I kept up a lot of the rituals out of habit, but I didn’t feel much meaning in it. I don’t think anyone suspected this, because I was good at keeping up the external facade.
When quarantine hit, I was destined for failure. It was the worst possible thing that could happen to me at that time. Everything that I had been struggling with was suddenly amplified by the intense loneliness and boredom. But at the same time, it pushed me to make a decision I never thought I would make. I needed something new, so I switched to a new yeshiva.
In the second yeshiva, I was suddenly presented with a new way of looking at the world. I was taught, and shown by example, that Chassidus and the Rebbe are relevant to every single part of my life. This isn’t to say that I had never heard that before, or that my teachers in the first yeshiva never said that. They did. But I never actually believed it. I was told about the Rebbe, about Chassidus, and I thought it was all great, but it wasn’t for me.
Nobody put in the effort to show me that no matter what I’m dealing with, Chassidus can show me the way out. Nobody told me that I have a Rebbe who doesn’t just exist when I go to the Ohel, but exists in my everyday life. And nobody showed me the unconditional love that I needed to actually believe any of it. When I did begin to believe that truth, I started to make positive changes that I had never anticipated. And after so many years of being “frum”, I finally did teshuva.
How is it possible for a Bochur to come out of a Chabad yeshiva not believing that Chassidus is relevant to him? I know that I’m mainly speaking from personal experience, but I also know I’m not the only one who went through this. Why is it that Chabad Shluchim are known across the world for speaking about Judaism in terms that regular, secular people can relate to, but many Mashpiim in the best Chabad yeshivos are out of touch with their bochurim?
I don’t want to accuse any specific Yeshivos or Mashpiim, because many of them are very aware of this, and put in great effort to make Chassidus and the Rebbe relevant to modern-day struggles. And I congratulate all of the great people who put in that effort, including the ones that made a difference for me. But if there’s even a single Lubavitcher Bochur who doesn’t believe this, we have not done our job properly.
As we approach Gimmel Tammuz, it’s important for us to realize that what may have worked then doesn’t work now. Chassidus and the Rebbe need to be alive now, today. We can’t live perpetually in the trauma of losing the physical presence of the Rebbe. Today’s bochurim want to know a Rebbe that is alive in 2022. They want to know a Rebbe that speaks in the age of the internet, of smartphones, of social anxiety and emotional trauma.
I know this because I was born well after Gimmel Tammuz. I don’t have memories of the Rebbe. I have memories of the life that I’ve lived, and experiences that I have daily, all in the 21st century. And through it all, I have a Rebbe who is very much alive, showing me in the language of Chassidus what it all means. This Rebbe talks to me every day. I hear his voice by farbrengens, when a bochur or mashpia speaks from the heart. I hear it from the seforim, the sichos and maamarim that speak in the most true and timeless way. But most often, I hear it from myself. I hear and see the Rebbe most vividly when I’m alone, when I’m choosing between right and wrong, when I’m trying to somehow transcend my own limited existence.
The Rebbe is here. He is present in the world far more than before, and he guides us every day. If a bochur doesn’t see that, it’s the responsibility of you, me and everyone else to show him. All we have to do is lead by example. Speeches won’t do it, articles won’t do it, only unconditional love will do it. If every frum person would only realize that they have a Rebbe, maybe Moshiach would already be here.
May we be zoche to the Hisgalus immediately, and to march out of Galus as one with the Rebbe at our head, speedily in our days!
Firstly – you are not the only one feeling what you felt. So many bochurim are taught unofficially: what does chassidus have to do with me? Its separate from me. Even though we are taught from the alter Rebbe- we have to live with the times. Making yiddishkeit PART OF OUR DAILY LIVES, not separate. Unfortunately it’s a taboo topic not to discuss it between fellow peers but you would be shocked how many bochurim feel the same. Secondly: it’s a mindset. If you make the Rebbeim PART of your life not formal but personal, the Rebbe reciprocates and you… Read more »
Rabbi Avrohom Gerlitzky wrote a letter after Gimmel Tamuz to a student. The gist of the letter is we have to go back to the basics. Basic Torah and Mitzvos, Davening with a Minyan, developing a Geshmak in a Blatt Gemara, being careful about what goes in and out of one’s mouth and treating your family & freinds with love and kindnesss. Charity starts at home if we don’t fortify ourselves we can’t affect other. Unfortunately history has already shown us that we can’t bring up a generation on a video Rebbe alone. It’s time for action, to put in… Read more »
Where can I find this letter
Wow! Very accurate and incredible insight !
Thank you for sharing !
If only more people were as open and outspoken as you !
Thank you so much for sharing , it is very important and relevant to each and every one of us on our own level!
I would love to know which yeshiva you switched to! So I should do the right choice for my kids
Me too!
Yeshiva Lubavitch Toronto
Best Yeshiva in the world!!
This is very beautiful. Can I ask which Yeshiva you switched to that made the difference for you?
if you are a bochur and have a smart phone you are doomed. you know it! there is no way you can have a smartphone and live a productive life (life of connection)it’s in your hands pun intended.
you are wiring your mind for life do yourself a favor and get rid of your smart phone today.
There is so much emphasis on the negative impacts of boys having phones but no one bats an eyelash when a teenage girl has a phone. There really needs to be much more awareness about the dangers of technology and the internet for girls as well
But it’s okay for you?
Really well written and something that had to be said. I have just a few points Of my own that I want to add. Another thing is that it all depends on the teacher. If you don’t have a good teacher for chassidus, it’s all lost. I’m in high school, and I really dislike my Tanya teacher. And it’s a real shame, bc I hear how amazing Tanya is and I really do want to learn it, just when this teacher teaches it it makes me dislike like it and not listen to the Tanya being taught. Another point, these… Read more »
Or you had a good teacher just she wasn’t fit for you, whatever the case is the Tanya is your MOST. POWERFUL. TOOL. Do NOT let some teacher have control over you. Don’t let anyone limit your hiskashrus and chassidish way of living. Don’t let anyone dampen your mindset. This year I had a Tanya teacher who I thought was a really good person but I didn’t relate to what she was saying at all. I wasn’t going to let that limit me so I set up a chavrusa to learn Tanya with after school. I can’t explain it. This… Read more »
Setting up a chavrusa is a great idea. If what you want doesn’t exist, organize it yourself!
I think the reason it’s hard for you is that the cell phone changes your brain and makes focus hard.
If you want focus and you understand how preciousit is to learn without distraction, get rid of the phone while in Yeshiva.
As someone who had learned from the best in Hafotzas Hamaayanot, and have became Lubavitch through learning Tanya, it disappointed and saddened me when my child and my child’s classmates couldn’t relate to their Tanya teacher and Tanya class.
Our children shouldn’t be deprived.
I hope more Yeshivas would model after Wilkes-Barre. It’s a place of sincerity, vulnerability with true Ahavas Yisroel. They have one goal and that is how to help the student connect to their Neshama and help them to bravely face their struggles in an growth minded way.
Not Wilkes Barre, it’s Toronto
Are you the one who wrote the article or are you just assuming?
I didn’t write the article but I could have because my story is the same.
Why is it that Chabad Shluchim are known across the world for speaking about Judaism in terms that regular, secular people can relate to, but many Mashpiim in the best Chabad yeshivos are out of touch with their bochurim?
Shluchim have to keep their jobs through their community. Otherwise there will be no income. Mashpiim get paid a teachers salary which is little and if they “lose their job” there is always another one within the community. They take advantage of that so no need to shvitz.
I’m from a frum family, I went to Bais Rivkah, I never hated Yiddishkeit, some things felt like an inconvinience, definitely struggles, but I was fine. Being Jewish was just a description, it was whatever. It was only when I was in camp, I talked to people, had real candid discussions that school never bothered to have did I realize that it is my life. That it is mine. That it is beautiful and important to live a meaningful and Chassidish life. That the Rebbe is relevant to me and that every good deed matters tremendously. Schools and teachers and… Read more »
It’s really a matter of listening. It makes sense that you really internalized what everyone was saying in camp. I did too. I heard the exact same things in school from my teachers but unfortunately the dynamic in school is that teachers are no fun and they’re out to get you and everything about them is wrong. It took hearing it from a fun, caring counselor (this is a counselor relationship which is very different than a teacher-student relationship) to actually internalize what was going on. As i was going into high school I became more and more aware that… Read more »
Maybe the counselors’ teaching is effective because the counselors come from a place of advising rather than imposing and enforcing rules. Counselors treat teenagers as the young adults they are (in the spiritual sense). Maybe that’s the most effective approach to teaching teenagers.
Bs”d Until Moshiach comes things will not be perfect, and it is not fair or correct to say that if there is even one person who doesn’t think in the way you described that we have not done our job properly. Throughout Jewish history there have been those that have struggled, in some generations more and in some less, and while we must continue to put in effort to reach out to each and every person, until Moshiach comes there will be those that struggle with their beliefs. It’s also extremely important to remember the role that technology, social media,… Read more »
The mainstream way that yiddishkeit and chassidus are taught in our education system is not down to earth, practical or relatable.
Chassidus exists in some sort of bubble of “things we don’t fully understand”.
We find much more practical guidance and inspiration from the many self-help books and podcasts available than anything we ever learnt in Yeshiva
The Baal Shem Tov made it accessible to everyone. This is not Zohar or Kabbalah. This is chassidus. Question is are you in denial? Certain maamarim/sichos are literally talking straight at YOU! Do you believe that the Rebbe is talking to you? Or are you being distracted and thinking about something else while learning? Focus your mind into it. It’s hard at first and then it gets easier. But its upto YOU.
Was the new yeshiva named Achei? I’m in Achei and it’s the best decision it my life
I bet it’s New Haven Zal!
I believe before settling on the name Chabad for the Chassidus the Alter Rebbe wanted to designate his movement by the name Baalei Teshuva. Fate would have it that the name wasn’t chosen but a hava amina in Torah is also emes mand you were mechaven to the Alter Rebbe’s hava amina.
Original author here.
To all those asking or assuming which yeshiva I was talking about, you’re missing the point. The point isn’t to promote or bash any specific place, it’s to encourage every yeshiva and school to work on this.
Thanks everyone for the kind words.
Very sensitive young man. Most people don’t have that introspection at such a young age… it takes them until their 40s and 50s to figure out what you have as a teenager. So believe me when I say that you are way ahead of a lot of adults.
My generation felt very lost with the Rebbe’s physical passing, but your generation is stronger than ours and is able to connect deeper and higher, and that is something that is quite inspirational.
May you go from mchayil el choyil
I don’t mean to take away anything from the original author, but this is the story of SO MANY bochurim out there in all different yeshivos, most are just scared to share it because they think they will get judged badly or they just fry out, but if you show you actually care and try to talk to the bochurim you will find LOTS of bochurim with this exact same or similar stories
This generation could go either way (Chassidish or “Fray”) because of our neshamos in contrast to previous generations which were either one way or another. The older generation will never get it we have to teach them!
@author,
looking to hire for an event
do you have a buisness card?
bs”d Not all teachers, even those who are known to be most wonderful, are gifted with the on-the-spot interpersonal sensitivity to be able to pick up when a listener or student is struggling, or what he/she is struggling with; so in that case it’s important to recognize the maalot that such teacher has, in order to be able to continue to benefit from what he/she can, and has been chosen to, provide, but also pray, earnestly, often, and long, that Hashem will send a teacher, chaver, or other helper, who truly does understand and can get the struggling person past… Read more »