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Saturday, 28 Tevet, 5780
  |  January 25, 2020

“How Long Are You Married?”

From the COLlive inbox: While I'm blessed with a child, I'm disappointed when I hear the question "When are you having another baby?" Full Story

Wedding: Fried – Karczag

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Well done!
Guest
Well done!

Great article!

Just say hi without asking more
Guest
Just say hi without asking more

Never ever ask someone you just met are they married or do they have children. Number one they could be divorced number 2 they may have no children or have children and want me.
I’m a grandmother and have 7 children the same lady keeps asking me at every simcha we attend when u going to have another child it’s your turn. No one has any idea what people go through so just say a freundly hello when u see a new person

What shes really saying...
Guest
What shes really saying...

1. Oftentimes these comments happen at simchos or other social events when its an awkward time and a person is trying to make conversation and thats the first thing that pops into their head in the ten seconds they have to start the conversation. 2. Because we know this, if someone tells us “wow no babies you must have so much free time”, instead of getting insulted lets hear what our friend is really saying. She is saying, “Im up all night with my baby and I never have any free time. Im so jealous of you. I wish I… Read more »

Small Talk
Guest
Small Talk

Sometimes these questions are made out of small talk, but I have to say I don’t think it’s healthy to encourage women to have babies every year. Some bodies can handle it, some can’t and you never know what a persons situation is, or the painful reasons they have to stop having more children, or the painful reality that is stopping them from having any at all.

I wonder when small talk became a license to get into people’s personal lives.

Support Groups
Guest
Support Groups

Are there any infertility or secondary infertility support groups in crown heights? how do people find out more information?

Encouraging - to number 3
Guest
Encouraging - to number 3

As someone who’s had miscarriages, i completely relate to the comments that people say. It is more hurtful than people realise. Thank you for bringing attention to the subject.
These questions should never be asked.. number 3 – those comments about being up with a baby all night are exactly what is so distressing to people who chv have no kids, miscarriages, still birth etc. The point is we don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives and need to be mindful. There are many other topics of small talk.

Be sensitive
Guest
Be sensitive

When you meet other women, please speak about things that can’t cause pain such as favorite foods etc. I’m on the receiving end…

Just talk about the weather... Think 1010 wins
Guest
Just talk about the weather... Think 1010 wins
Excellent Article
Guest
Excellent Article

Another taboo topic is halachic infertility. FYI this increases as a woman approaches her thirties.

School Administrator
Guest
School Administrator

Once commented, “you can pay full tuition, you only have one child”. Little did he know how expensive life was because there was only one child. Dealing with infertility is expensive. Thinking takes more effort than judging but we must all try to think more before we speak.

To #5
Guest
To #5

i believe there is a A time chapter in CH. Call A Time
718-686-8912 or email them [email protected]

Also singles
Guest
Also singles

Rosh hashana is an incredibly painful time. The question I hate when people meet me for the first time…how old are you?
Do you generally walk around asking married people how old they are the second you meet them? Don’t ask singles either.

To #3
Guest
To #3

your comment shows insensitivity to the incredible pain on infertility. to say that someone who doesn’t have children should appreciate the ‘difficulties’ of not having any free time because you’re so busy with your babies is extremely insensitive. and most women suffering from infertility would not feel comfortable saying ‘ it bothers me to talk about xyz, I prefer to talk about abc instead’

to #5
Guest
to #5

For primary infertility please contact [email protected]

to #3
Guest
to #3

Please understand – that’s the point. Do you have any clue that some dealing infertility may also be lacking sleep, when you were up with your baby in the middle of the night she was leaving the house to go to the Dr. Maybe there is no extra time to help because believe it or not just trying to juggle work and all the various dr’s offices and the life you should never know about maybe she’s on minus time already, but of course it’s all private and therefore you think she has all the time when in fact she… Read more »

Spot on
Guest
Spot on

It’s been my experience when your around other women that your not particularly close to. Women you really only converse with if you run into them on the street at your store or at a smicha not to discuss family matters or women issues There are lots of topics for small talk. For example questions concerning if they are currently working , have help in the house, how many children are currently home etc. Rule of the thumb if it’s not information you need for your own life then don’t ask.

To Number 10...
Guest
To Number 10...

Exactly what happened to me!!!!! Thousands in debt for treatment & was told my first obligation is to $14,000+ for tuition…
Thank you to the author for bringing this important and too ofter overlooked issue to the public
And to those out there still struggling…realize that you must do what you can but ultimately you are not in control
May we all be blessed with healthy children that will bring us all nachas!

Just don't ask
Guest
Just don't ask

If you think someone’s pregnant don’t ask them when they are due, or try to figure it out amongst your friends or family….it’s not your business and sometimes the person may not even be pregnant

Couldn’t agree more
Guest
Couldn’t agree more

Every couple along with their Rabbi! There are multiple reasons a couple can’t have a child. It’s noone’s business it makes us feel sad and pressured. Please everyone pray for yourself and pray for us all out there but don’t rub it in our faces it really hurts. Trust me. We know It! We don’t need reminders

To 12
Guest
To 12

When I was single rather than spending YomTov in a “community-family” style location I did my best to attend singles get aways . Sometimes when I have asked a single their age it was simply because it had an idea for them and sometimes people can look older or younger than they really are.

To #9- re halachic infertility
Guest
To #9- re halachic infertility

Nowadays bh there are quite a few things one can take for halachic infertility. Speak to a doctor who has dealt with the frum community. Ask about clomid or other similar treatments.

from number 3
Guest
from number 3

My point was that if someone ALREADY said something to you that you dont like, then INSTEAD of coming home and crying about it THINK ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON and why she may have thought of it on the top of her mind and see if you possibly can sympathize with her and perhaps help her. Its a much healthier way of living life- instead of self absorbed- try to help others. Same thing if your an older single or paying alot of tuition or whatever. Plus the best way to help someone out is to talk about whats bothering… Read more »

So surprised at #3
Guest
So surprised at #3

To hear defensiveness, dismissiveness, and minimizing “explaining away” the phenomenon of people making thoughtless comments to women who are still waiting for children or for more children! If you noticed that a woman in your community had gained a lot of weight, or had developed a bad complexion, or was visibly aging, would you make a “small talk” comment? And if you foolishly did, would that really be “OK”? Very simply, just because you notice something VERY PERSONAL about another person, it is not “open season” on making it a topic of conversation. The timing of children being born to… Read more »

to #9
Guest
to #9

This is not any more taboo than the concept of IF in our community.
Speak to a Dr (knowledgeable in TH, because there are options but more so have a knowledgeable Rav on your team.

to #3
Guest
to #3

Yes once someone comes home after a comment is made to them they have to work through processing it, and it all depends on what level of ‘stress’ that person is already under as to how much they can handle – but that doesn’t give licence for a comment to be made in the first place. One just has to be feel so bad for those that don’t think before they speak or lack sensitivity. Yes how nice it would be for everyone to be explained another’s life challenges and everyone would just get it and be more understanding –… Read more »

Great article
Guest
Great article

Well written and thought provoking. As a childless woman for so many years and 30,000 dollars later twins BH – thank you thank you thank you

I've Been ThereToo!
Guest
I've Been ThereToo!

BH I am a Bubby now, but inside myself I am still the woman who was told by 3 doctors, that if I insisted on keeping the Antiquated Family Purity Laws and didn’t receive a “dispensation,” (pretty secular term, don’t you think?) I would NEVER have children. One day, walking down Kingston someone looked at my stomach and I responded” Perhaps you’d like to wish a good Yom tov to my face!” Or about the time when I lived out of town and someone made a simcha and forgot to invite me because I didn’t have children? I also remember… Read more »

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