Let’s Talk.
Tznius isn’t a bad word anymore.
Working boys can still be chassidishe.
Mishichist? Anti? Nobody cares.
Our education system… is a hurricane of a disaster but we are all open and willing to fix it.
These days, we talk about things.
As a community, Chabad has overcome so much friction. Indeed, we have made incredible progress in destroying misconceptions and replacing them with truthful and kind perspectives.
But I’m still hesitant to go back home for Pesach.
Why? Because I’m a spinster.
Definition of Spinster: A successful, college-educated, 20-something-year-old woman who dates regularly and enjoys a happy community life in Crown Heights.
I am not desperate to get married.
I repeat: I am not desperate to get married.
Can we please all stop thinking that I am?
The ‘Shidduch Crisis’ is not an event, or institution, or opinion, or theory, or existence in my world. I could not care less about the fact that some adults are married and some adults are not. I believe in a God who has a plan for everyone and frankly, I thank God for the gift of allowing me my single years.
There should be nothing shameful or upsetting about the fact that I am single. I would be more than happy to enter a responsible and healthy relationship with the right man. I would take on the financially strained, lack of freedom, child-bearing reality of married people gladly, if that is the path to which I was led. But I wasn’t. And I am very okay. I have rejected many men because I am looking for my husband, not just another totally awesome dude who can buy me a drink at a bar after his mother confirms that I fit her requirements of a daughter-in-law.
So, to all the married people and teenagers who will be congregating with me at my parents’ home and think that it is a pity that I am not yet married:
I ask that we please refrain from discussing potential suitors for me over Pesach. I am not the artwork on the wall or the latest political scandal. Conversation pieces do not include potential suitors for me. Please.
Let’s not talk about me.
I understand you want to care for me- so care about the things I care about. Right now, we are celebrating the beautiful Yom Tov of Pesach. That’s what I came home for. So, let’s talk about it, not me.
and not about disdain. why cant everyone just realize that each person comes wuith their own package of maalos and chesronos? one girl isnt married, another one is. the one that is isnt any better off. theres nop reason to pity single ppl.
but don’t be miserable, desperate and obsessed about it, either! Have a great yom tov and may you be able to look your zivug without any pressure or guilt
I never feel desperate to get married but im a frum girl that does not date casually and some companionship would be nice so when someone sees me home and makes a suggestion I think it is so nice! If someone where to not speak up because they didnt want me to feel that life is all about getting married and instead I don’t have the opportunity to date a guy that they would have suggested tht would be such a shame. Again I know that when people see me they know tht I am in school and doing good… Read more »
It seems, that the house perspective got deep into this young lady. That is exact same thing house young professionals think. There is no hurry to get married, I will marry a wealthy guy who already advanced in his career and have kids on my own terms. Well wait until these girls are over 30 and trying to get married. Hat is not easy at all. Hope for the Jewish frum single it’s easier.
Her point is: take your condescending pity elsewhere, please.
That’s it. That’s literally it. All you commentors fired up about what age is right to get married or why she has rejected guys or whether the author is chassidish or not are just MISSING THE POINT!
while some girls may be desperate to be matched up, they are still not desperate to be the topic of discussion at the table and have everyone ‘oy veying’ over her
Thank you for saying this!
To the commentors saying “what’s wrong with you, you shouldn’t be happy to be single” – are we supposed to be constantly miserable until we’ve achieved everything we want in life? Miserable till we’re married? Miserable till we have a kid? Miserable till we have more kids? Miserable till our kids get married? That’s seriously what you’re suggesting.
No one WANTS to not be in a caring and supportive relationship. But if right now I don’t have that, I’m still going to be as happy as possible in my life.
and the lesson is if your family is all they do is trying to push a shidduch it can have the opposite effect like getting together with a person who is not the right one and wasting precious time just to show the family that please leave me alone and don’t try to pressure me into a marriage when I am NOT ready .
You go, girl, and show em what it means to be happy on yom tov as a single pringle. Nothing more accomplishing than to be happy when the world tell’s you you can’t.
There are over 150 single 20-somethings in Touro College from Crown Heights. Just sayin’.
Oh why is it so complicated to just enjoy yom tov? everyone just try. THat’s all it takes. Just try to be nice and mentchlich.
The point is that people who are single don’t necessarily want pity and to be the object of conversation- they deserve to be treated respectfully.
I don’t talk about how we should all help you better your financial situation. You shouldn’t feel a need to “figure out” how to get me married.
Shadchanim are there to be sensitive and discreet. The shidduch system is not for public discussions about people’s most intimate life concerns.
The point is that people who are single don’t neccesarily want pity and to be the object of conversation- get off your high horse
Manis’s idea is that girls and guys arent looking for girls or guys. they are looking for husbands and wives.
She says shes looking for her husband, that’s a chassidishe concept.
Manis Friedman fan alert!!!!
Not everyone has a family that has open communication and good relations. The point of the article is to start a conversation and perhaps understand that not ALL singles are absolutely dying to get married. And hey, does someone need to be desperate in order to get married? And why are we judging the author??? She’s a girl with an opinion and can be respected, just like you with your opinions!
this as a message from singles to their parents andcommunities everwhere, not just a message to her family. I know I can relate.
I am a young man, a bochur, of age 27 who right now feels like writing a comment. I liked the op-ed in general, although I am sceptical and curious as to what motivates the writer, considering that the young woman could have made her point by expressing herself to those who she is addressing, and I’m not quite sure if and how she knows that her message will be read by those who she is addressing. Nevertheless, I prefer to give benefit of the doubt and assume that what was meant by the article is indeed that which was… Read more »
BS”D To number 13. The word you wrote is Hashem’s name, Yud Key Vav Key. We don’t write that.
Much hatzlacha to all.
I think the author makes an excellent point. For some stupid reason, in our circles, marriage is viewed as the only way an adult can have happiness. It is further viewed as an automatic “next step” after smicha or seminary. All the author wants is to be allowed to live life. She, like many other singles (myself included) want to just enjoy our time being single. If a great shidduch comes up, of course we’ll listen to it, and happily date. But our lives dont revolve around it.
Single Guy.
Every day it pains me to be single, I feel lonely, and to hear someone say that it’s ok not to be married, makes me think that either you have some sort of outlet… or you dont know what marriage life is about. Hopefully, like me, you just feel turned off by all the failed marriages and think that being single is sometimes better. If, however, you just have no desire for company, yes there might be something wrong with you. That being said, it can be innoying when people look down at you etc. as who are they to… Read more »
I think the main point is that we should not make assumptions about what people want or don’t want.
I can totally relate to you!
As everyone suggest doctors and treatments when I travel!
yes, you dont want people to pity you but you dont sound like you are ready or want to get married. which is fine. my 16 year old sister is also not ready to get married and is having a great time in school, camp, life. you are not ready to give up your comfortable self centered life. which is fine. so tell that to your family. but do not gereralize that no one is ready and wants to get married. most girls and boys over 20-24 do want to get married and are ready to commit. your situation is… Read more »
I don’t agree with.
Is there a reason you’re so nasty? Do you personally know the author? I bet not. So please leave your unsolicited piece of advice for yourself. She’s not complaining about being single – which you have happened to misunderstand. She will do as she chooses. For now, she wants to enjoy her tom tov. Your criticism is for your own self-ego of rejection or jeoulousy of such an incredible and positive young lady. Kudos to the author!
I think you are all missing the point.
It’s not about being single and having fun.
It’s about binyon adai ad!!!!!!!!
I see that goyishkeit has crept into our lives,
How sad!
May Hashem OPEN UP YOUR EYES to see the value
in doing the right thing.
May you all meet your beshert and be happy
I was like you enjoying life to the fullest and let me tell you I wish I would have married early . if I can do it again. who wants to enjoy your kids when your old who wants to marrie off children when your In your 60s think again when you want to be a grandparent and enjoy the real things in life
to the author
it is called communication…
if you are not interested tell them
but why make it seem that every person that tries to help is bad and doing something wrong
it seems you have sort of guilt that you need to express yourself on a public forum. but can seem to communicate to all those in your own home. yet find in necessary to tell everyone through “anonymous”
as we say get a life and don’t preach to all
And I am very okay. I have rejected many men because I am looking for my husband, not just another totally awesome dude who can buy me a drink at a bar after his mother confirms that I fit her requirements of a daughter-in-law.
If you have a message for your family tell them directly why are you posting it on this website? It sounds like you are trying to get attention and that you really do you want to get married…
I’m ashamed I’m not married yet, to the point that don’t even feel at ease in my home
Author sounds modern orthodox, not chassdish. I am not saying she should be in tears all day but hashkafa would dictate a seemingly stronger yearning towards marriage. So curious as to what she means ” I have rejected …” unfortunately many people pass up their bashert, while being too picky and not truly understanding what marrrige is intended to accomplish. Hatzlacha may you be zoche to find you zivug and have a peaceful yom tov.
What is the purpose of “regularly dating” if you are “not desperate to get married”?! Leave the boys alone, you might be confusing them…
For non “typical” situations please email [email protected]
And then we have op eds that whine about why their married friends don’t do anything to help them and never suggest anyone for them! (Would post a link but it was from around a year ago) SO WHICH ONE IS IT?
I admire this young woman for speaking out. There is nothing wrong in being a ‘spinster’ so spin away I say! You are your own person always.
Great article! As a Chassidishe, beautiful, wealthy, educated 29-year old girl who wants to go on Shlichus, I couldn’t agree more.
Well said!!
It can be very hurtfull when people try matching you up although your not looking for a shiduch.
It looks like they are trying to convince you to get married.
It’s like trying to mach up a 3 year old.
If he isn’t ready yet, don’t try find someone for him.
But although it hurtfull, i think this is the main cause of the shidduch crisis
Dear Author,
While I respect you and how you feel about your situation, fortunately or unfortunately being harrassed and talked about is part of life! What you néed to do is you need to empower yourself and you have to ignore the whispers ignore the talk ignore the rolling of the eyes and ignore the pity that people have for you and if you can’t ignore it then you have to tell them “thank you so much for your concern” and move on!
May you find your right one at the correct time!
Guess what? There is a reason you arent married yet. You are waiting for Mr. Perfect and till he shows up on a silver platter, your single life is very enjoyable. Married life means giving up some of your single comforts, being willing to commit to someone for the rest of your life. Are you ready for that? Perhaps not? And that’s why you are still waiting – or maybe not even waiting…. Shake up and face reality. If you dont stop being so picky abd unrealistic in your demands, you may just stay single…. And one day you will… Read more »
Fantastic piece
By Jove she speaks for EVERYONE
My daughter is sngle and shes dying to get married and she wants to talk about it all the time
I guess there are all kinds
You’re right #3. Everyone’s different, it’s very personal. so everyone can be open with their family and tell them how you feel – if you want them to keep coming up with suggestions (some girls would love it) or if you don’t; if you’re happy and enjoying this stage or if you’re miserable etc…
I like what you wrote and how you wrote it but like 3 said, this is your experience and you may not speak for everyone. It seems like you have a bad experience when you go home. You sound very articulate and assertive so you just need to convey this message to those around you especially when they bring up the topic. Hope you enjoy your pessach and your family.
Wow…. Very mature… I mean, seriously? Even as a joke, please be more sensitive!
To #3:
Yes maybe other singles want to be matched up. But most don’t want pity. And most don’t want that to be the entire focus of their yom tov. And even if they think they do, it’s unhealthy and ends up stressing them out.
To the author:
Thank you for your courageous article! It’s a reminder to relax and enjoy life during the search. And good for you that you’re doing just that.
I’m single (divorced, male and with kids B”H). Pesach we travel! Last year we went to Cozumel Island, México the year before Cusco, Peru this year…I can’t say! But it’s going to be awesome! A Freilichen Pesach! May we find our basherts in the right time.
I would keep encouraging them to try and match you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain
Single guy here. Ditto that!
Very well said. Being single is not a tragedy. Single life is actually enjoyable. Yes, we singles do want to get married. But that doesn’t mean that while being single we’re not enjoying life. And if sometimes single life is hard, it’s a lot because people around us makes us feel like that. There’s a stigma of pity on singles, and we feel that stigma, which makes us pity ourselves if we don’t ignore it. Thank you to all the well meaning people that try to set us up. That’s very much appreciated! But please stop making us feel pitiful,… Read more »
To the author:
While you don’t want people trying to match you up, there are other girls that are desperate to have someone think about them and match them up. As such, your best solution here is to simply tell your family members directly what you have written here, and convey to them your feelings.
No need to post this as a general message to the world. You don’t speak for everyone.
Im also an older single in my young 30 also coming back for pesach.Ive also thought abt the eyes rolling around in shul e1 thinking even girls younger than me.”why is she still not married” ive also come to the conclusion that Hashem has a plan for e1 and just because i havent found my husband yet doesnt mean anything I love and enjoy my single life amd when it happens it happens. right now im focused on building myself and my career. so all u younger girls in shul who are married so happy for u.but no one needs… Read more »
BH
BSD
Enjoy your Pesach at home..