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Monday, 22 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 27, 2019

    “Es Felt Zay Nisht”

    From the COLlive inbox: Perhaps a reason that so many older young men remain uncommitted is because they have "lives." Full Story

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    Sad
    Guest
    Sad

    I feel the hurt in your article, but your anguish is misplaced. The idea that our system pushes marriage as just a “next step” is pathetic. Bachurim need to actually mature, and reach a place in life where they can both mentally and financially support a family.

    So while I feel bad for you (and I’m guessing your daughter), please don’t blame me for it. I am simply doing what is best for my life, and, what I believe is best for whomever I eventually marry.

    A single dude

    I'm  sorry to spill the beans...
    Guest
    I'm sorry to spill the beans...

    They are not in a hurry because HOW MANY NORMAL GIRL’S ARE OUT THERE? they are NOT interested in marrying a skirt. And the boy’s mother is NOT INTERESTED in “loosing” her son so fast…so what’s the rush?

    True!
    Guest
    True!

    It applies to women as well. I have a friend that married her job. I mean it seriously; (

    So true
    Guest
    So true

    The older they get the harder it is for them to change. They are so used to and comfortable with the single life style…that it’s scary for them to change and get married and build a family…

    Disagree
    Guest
    Disagree

    They don’t “have ‘lives.'” It’s not correct to assume that they lack interest on account of their personal “lives”… because they are dating in the first place. i highly doubt anyone would cast themselves into dating only to lack the commitment to marriage because they have “lives.” Seems more accurate that they’re dating specifically… to have a life. Bochurim i know in today’s “modern” times actually share their concerns with friends who are either already married, or attempting to. This type of friendly support is encouraged, as finding that little part of you that’s missing is an emotional rollercoaster. Face… Read more »

    Two wrongs...
    Guest
    Two wrongs...

    Is that rational to you? because the young men are not necessarily doing their ‘shlichus’ you are going to go on a crusade not to hire young men???
    even if you are right in a small percentage of young men, that doesn’t mean that none of them deserve to get a job.
    if you have a problem, find a solution. don’t create another one…

    cold winter
    Guest
    cold winter

    I think you are off base they see their friends unhappy marriage and say why should I take a risk what about the messy divorce rate where women are black mailing there ex’s why should they risk their happiness for someone who may turn out to be a

    About time
    Guest
    About time

    I know a few single guys, very successful, in their 30’s and 40’s who have settled into a rut. They were picky from day 1, rejecting lovely girls from nice families because (wait for it!!) the girls weren’t thin/pretty enough. Now they want 22-25 year olds, but a young girl is not interested in a “player” of 42-45. It’s over. It’s not just they think they can wait, they also believe they are a prize. Maybe at 24, but not now. the older girls would happily take these selfish guys, nebach, but the men still reject them because of superficialities.… Read more »

    That's why you don't run a business.
    Guest
    That's why you don't run a business.

    When you got married within a few years you were able to settle down buy a house and invest into mortgage payments so you had some type of backing as you got older. Today on the other hand all my friends that have bought houses were all working before they got married. Or had family help. Why should the guys not build some reasonable savings before there have real bills??? I’m married BH with 2 kids and I make a very nice living but still cannot afford a house …I tell all my friends work before you get married. Get… Read more »

    1000% Correct
    Guest
    1000% Correct

    I am a married man who has friends from Yeshiva who are still single today because of the reasons stated in the above article. Feel very sorry for these guys who don’t know or appreciate what marriage and married life is all about. 🙁 🙁 a lot of them have warped ideas that have poisoned their minds, which has created the “I have time!” or “What’s the rush?” attitude.

    Dear "concerned mom"
    Guest
    Dear "concerned mom"

    As a former “bochur,” I spent 3 years in the so called “shidduch system” dating girls in crown heights and in my home country. The way you described guys these days as “uncommitted” is a perfect description for many of the girls that I dated (girls who were brought up in the “system”). I can therefore tell you that the issue is not confined or isolated to one gender. Its not a male issue – but an issue of values (or lack of) which is plaguing our community.

    Number 1
    Guest
    Number 1

    Really ??? What about guys who are dying to date- get married but she doesn’t turn around yet and the guy feels like he will Rot or will Chas vshalom just slide so instead go to work and in a frum environment don’t you think that it’s a better idea for them to do that then sit around and ‘learn’ when honestly it isn’t getting anywhere- trust me most guys don’t fell it unnecessary to date if they have a job it’s usually to keep them busy until she shows up.

    From a formerly "Modern" girl
    Guest
    From a formerly "Modern" girl

    This is very true — for girls as well as guys. I moved to Crown Heights from a “modern” neighborhood where there were tons of Shomer Shabbos singles and there was tons of socializing but very few marriages. Like, I went to exactly 4 weddings there from age 21 to 25! I was friendly with guys who would never marry me or vice-versa, but as a group the guys and girls would enjoy Shabbos together, “like family.” It was really comfortable, but a big dead end marriage-wise. When I came to Crown Heights, and grew in my frumkeit, I dropped… Read more »

    Why not Blame the man?
    Guest
    Why not Blame the man?

    A number of problems with this letter. Firstly: “Why is it the norm that our young men consider it acceptable behavior to rarely date, perhaps once a month and not every single week?” Maybe if people in the match making business did just try setting people to make a buck, and therefore setting guys and girls up with nothing in common. Same goes for over zealous family and friends who just want “whats best for you”. How about thinking about people stop and think about the guys and girls that have to meet new people everyday of the week just… Read more »

    Single girl, 28
    Guest
    Single girl, 28

    Totally. Like what’s up?! We are so ready and prepared. We’re great with kids, provide for ourselves. And basically are willing to go out with anyone just to give them a chance, in the hopes that maybe we’ll meet ‘the right one’. I dunno, all the friends I hang around w are super normal, well-balanced girls. The guys however, they seem lame, moderned out, or burnt out, and say no to everyone. Cuz it’s so hard for them. I get it. It’s harder for guys to date. But so what, life’s tough. Put yourself out there. Be a man. And… Read more »

    ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!!
    Guest
    ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!!

    This article is totally not true once again just trying to blame everything on the boucherm! I am a 28 yr old single boucher and yes I have a good paying job that keeps me busy but of course I want to get married and I try everything I can to find names of girls and date them, the challenge is im not finding or Hashem does not feel its my time yet but to say I dont want to or not trying is a lie!!

    response
    Guest
    response

    “but I would not hire a single guy” well its not tznius to do so nothing to do with shiduchim

    to OP
    Guest
    to OP

    you gave one reason, but it could also be the girls aren’t interested. Is that our fault? Its everyone elses fault but ones owns fault! If you are talking about your kid, I’m willing to give it a shot, give me a call at 706-962-3222. How are we supposed to help if you hide your name? I have no idea who you are.

    Perhaps this is a reality
    Guest
    Perhaps this is a reality

    Or maybe Hashem runs the world and just becuz someone didn’t want to go out with your daughter/neice, this is also for the Best. A gut gbenched yur!

    Older single guy
    Guest
    Older single guy

    We should get married quick cuz ur daughter needs a baby and cries herself to sleep ?? Hashem is going to judge us… what are you talking about?!?! Simple – we don’t just get exited that some yente guy or lady had a fantasy about us with another girl. They don’t know me or the girl! It’s this system that won’t work for us. we are older and wiser and more resourceful and will make our “special / Holy ” decision when we feel that we want this girl and no one else! You don’t marry ur husband cuz you… Read more »

    Older?
    Guest
    Older?

    I’m a 23 year old girl. I don’t feel older and I’m not in a rush anywhere.. we will get married when the time is right.. ppl stop making us feel like we’re 50 if we’re not married by 15! We’re young and we have a right to enjoy it while we’re at it. We will get married when Hashem decides the time is right for us. Believe me if Hashem wants one of us married by hook or by crook they WILL get married! It’s up to the one above. Sooo.. instead of making us walk in the street… Read more »

    Yankel Todres
    Guest
    Yankel Todres

    I don’t understand this at all.

    Are you really saying that the parents of a young lady shouldn’t consider any Shidduch where the Bochur could support a family? He must be unemployed, with no work experience at all? (Obviously he has no savings either, since he was never permitted to work.) With absolutely no work experience his prospects wouldn’t be too great either. Who would want their daughter to marry someone who couldn’t support her?

    Perhaps you personally are quite wealthy, and intend to support the young couple indefinitely.

    Diagnosis incorrect
    Guest
    Diagnosis incorrect

    All (normal) men want a woman in there lives, and no job or socializing fills that void. This “op-Ed” like so many others is written by a frustrated mother. Your personal frustrations are justified, and it’s human nature to look for answers, but the reality is that hundreds of boys and girls in our community get engaged and married every year. There is no evil Kabal of single boys concocting ways of keeping your daughter single. YOU are your biggest impediment to accomplishing your goals. That’s the hard truth. Is it more difficult for girls to get married generally? Yes.… Read more »

    Please sign your name
    Guest
    Please sign your name

    You can and should become a big advocate for this. . Guide us bochrim to help us feel…because you’re right we takeh don’t. I’m am older bochur and would love to talk …

    Sign your name, it has a much stronger effect.

    Confused
    Guest
    Confused

    If the men aren’t being given jobs, who should be paying for these weekly dates?

    The recent dating articles
    Guest
    The recent dating articles

    Explain a few reasons. The other answer is there are tons of girls I know who are married/getting married. I don’t know what your daughter wants or why guys seem uninterested. Sadly looks are more important to guys it seems. If you don’t want the guys hired then you’ll ask what they were doing till 26. No one isn’t marrying because they don’t have the time to date it’s cause no one caught their eye or they’re worried about money and providing or they understood the responsibility and aren’t ready to take it on or maybe they haven’t found the… Read more »

    Mom of 4 little ones
    Guest
    Mom of 4 little ones

    Why do we always blame the guys?

    Numbers
    Guest
    Numbers

    There is a very simple reason for the shidduch crisis: not uncommitted bochurim nor thier nitpicking mothers, its numbers. This is already very well known amongst frum people and the yeshiveshe world is already doing all they can to encourage boys to date at an earlier age en masse. When will lubavitch catch on and make a shturim about it?

    It's your daughters fault!
    Guest
    It's your daughters fault!

    It hurts me to say this however a bochur who is older (over 26) and yet remains uncommitted is because they have NO YIRAS SHOMAYIM (with the few exceptions of those who actively are looking seriously for a shidduch) and the fault is mainly of the parents and Mashpee-eem and Roshai Yeshivois, which is a talk for itself (how many of them care about their former talmidim? call their former talmidim? DAVEN DAILY for their former talmidim? “KOL ME SHE-AIN BO YIRAS SHOMAYIM AIN DEVOROV NEESHMO-EEM” “DVOREEM HAYOITZEEM MEEN HALEV NEECHNOSEM EL HALEV”) Regarding your daughter and other young ladies… Read more »

    Yehuda  l g
    Guest
    Yehuda l g

    About the part of dating I personaly am happy to date every week but were the offer . can not date with out the offer.

    You've all lost the plot
    Guest
    You've all lost the plot

    I am single, over 30, and have eggs in the freezer. All these ideas, solutions, etc are all complete and utter hogwash. We are all human, both men and women, and we are all different. We all have different experiences, want different things, expect different things. Heaping us all in to one giant pile, and telling us what we should do, feel, want is a ridiculous and time wasting endeavor. Instead, make your daughter feel like a million bucks, with or without a man. Make sure she feels supported and encouraged. Understand that she, because of your pressure on her,… Read more »

    How Many Really??
    Guest
    How Many Really??

    Don’t think there are that many older eligible single boys? With older singles, the numbers are like 10 to 1. The girls totally outnumber the guys massively. Very sad situation for older single girls.

    To 29
    Guest
    To 29

    Great comment! Agree 100%

    Many older girls dont know how to surrender
    Guest
    Many older girls dont know how to surrender

    Many older girls dont know how to surrender and build a relationship.
    That is the main factor the boys dont continue with them. Many dont understand that Isha Keshairah oseh ratzon baalah so they are not material for a happy marriage

    I came to Crown Heights at age 34 and ...
    Guest
    I came to Crown Heights at age 34 and ...

    I could not get any dates with the locals; they were too arrogant, presumably because I am a BT. I have been here 11 eleven years now, and still not married, I am a male and professional, and a regular in 770 minyan in the early mornings. the women got a bad chinuch to not date BT’s. it seems to me.

    To the op
    Guest
    To the op

    I hear your pain. Please do look outside lubavitch. Why limit yourself and your daughter to such a small umbrella. Nothing wrong with other chasidim or simple yiddishe bachurim. They dont have to be lubav to be the “right” one.
    Wishing you shana tova and all good things

    To #31
    Guest
    To #31

    Yes!! Thank you!! Gold medal to you!

    Fed up
    Guest
    Fed up

    I’m a girl 23 and single

    I have been dating for three years and there are no normal guys out there I don’t plan on getting married people can’t seem to hold it together even talking about marriage I can have a fantastic life without a guy.

    Good luck to all the girls and guys trying I hope you find what you’re looking for. God bless

    Painful to read
    Guest
    Painful to read

    Not sure who sounds more upset…the unidentified author or comment #29… Never thought the day would come when comments like that would be said in public (although without a name) To many CH and lubavitcher families the attitude of “the worst of ours is better then the best of theirs” is still the motto to live by. Good luck changing a broken system. Just a thought…maybe it is time the SINGLES contact the shaddchanim – not parents. And maybe we need some young people to take on the role of shaddchan as well… Keep hearing things like he/she only wants… Read more »

    #29 SO TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!
    Guest
    #29 SO TRUE! TRUE! TRUE!

    So is that the kind of bochur you are waiting for? Let it be said clearly, a bochur who get’s older and does not try to get married is hanging a BILLBOARD sign on his back saying “I have no Yiras Shomayim, I do not care what Shulchan Aruch, Alter Rebbe Shulchan Aruch, Mashpee-eem and Rabbonim say, I simply don’t care” R”L HYL”T!!!

    This is also clearly, based on the Rebbe’s guidelines, NOT A SHIDDUCH FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!

    Comment
    Guest
    Comment

    Why do you care so much ?
    If a guy is content in his life choice
    If he is a useful productive individual
    If he is not Indulging in criminal activities
    Why bother him?
    Most infidelities are committed by MARRIED guys !!!

    25 yr old bochur
    Guest
    25 yr old bochur

    I couldn’t Agree more. But I must add the same goes for ladies Too. Everyone who needs his/ her bashert Hashem should bless them Now!

    A single man.
    Guest
    A single man.

    So let me summarize the points you made in this article: 1. If you do not go out with all shidduch suggestions brought up for you, you will be blamed after 120 for delaying the girl’s marriage. 2. Men should date minimum once a week. ( I assume that if it did not work out, this could be a different girl every week.) 3. Single men should not get a job before they are married. 4. People should not hire single men. I have not taken any of your words out of context. The above points are clearly what you… Read more »

    @by a concerned mom
    Guest
    @by a concerned mom

    What’s your issue that you can’t find a shidduch for your child so you need to rant to the public?

    A married man's perspective
    Guest
    A married man's perspective

    To the author: I am married for close to a decade, and there is not a single Bochur I know or knew that “felt zei nisht”. This is a libelous and foolhardy statement. Every Bochur desires to be a with a girl. But not every girl is someone a bochur wants to spend his life with. Women today are increasingly demanding and defensive. Modern-day culture teaches women to believe that everything a man says or does is offensive and misogynistic. Should a man G-D forbid ask his wife for nothing more than supper when he comes home from a hard… Read more »

    Where's YOUR Yiras Shomayim?
    Guest
    Where's YOUR Yiras Shomayim?

    If you believe in G-d, and you believe that Bashert is not just WHO you will marry but also WHEN AND WHERE you will marry them, then you’ll understand that no one is to blame here. We cannot decide who to marry. We can only prepare ourselves for marriage itself. Quite frankly if a guy or girl isn’t ready it’s probably in their best interest NOT to get married yet. Everyone has to do their job. Guys need to understand the difference between a woman and a wife. Girls have to understand the difference between a man and a husband.… Read more »

    Confused irony
    Guest
    Confused irony

    On the one hand mothers/fathers and guys/girls complain that young guys/girls are too immature to get married. But then when the guy/girl has gotten older and more mature in their lives they are rejected simply because “why are they still single at that age? There must be something wrong with them”

    To #38
    Guest
    To #38

    You are young my friend. take a break and shop again

    To the Auther of this Post
    Guest
    To the Auther of this Post

    I am a 31 year old single man. I never dated a frum girl for a very simple reason: bullying in my cheder and yeshiva years. All the rich kids and the kids from big yichus families made my life miserable, and I was quasi-suicidal ever since I was 12 years old. I hated frum people NOT because of frum values, but because my teachers and Rosh Yeshivas turned a blind eye to the abuses and beating and humiliation I suffered. Why would I want to marry a frum girl, just so my kids can get bullied in yeshivas like… Read more »

    Mothers are at fault
    Guest
    Mothers are at fault

    I wouldn’t blame the guys as much as blaming the mothers. The mothers and sons are not looking for the same thing. But the only way to get to the son is to get through the mother, and she’s not budging!!!!

    To #45: Spot On.
    Guest
    To #45: Spot On.

    Spot on. The modern feminist ideas have corrupted the minds of so many Lubavitch girls. No man wants to be “chained” by another person. Woman should learn to respect that men are different then woman, care about different things, behave differently, etc. and have even basic expectations that they are used to from their interactions with their friends.

    THE BEAUTY OF FREE-MARKET CAPITALISM
    Guest
    THE BEAUTY OF FREE-MARKET CAPITALISM

    Thank God we live in a country that allows us (within certain limits) to hire and fire employees based on our preferences. While the author chooses to not hire single men, others are free to choose to specifically hire single men as they don’t have family responsibilities and can be more devoted to their job. Please, remember this when going to the ballot on Nov 9th. Let’s not loose this beautiful free-market economy that we currently enjoy. Imagine the government dictating who you can and cannot hire…… Lchaim and Shana Tova to all!

    #43 -- yasher koach!
    Guest
    #43 -- yasher koach!

    To #43: Congratulations & thank you. Of all the posts here, yours is the most intelligent. The distorted thinking elsewhere — including the original article — bordered on the absurd & downright nauseating. Reading the article, I get the impression that the writer seeks someone independently wealthy — the frum equivalent of a Southern belle/gentleman who elegantly floats around the plantation with all the slaves in the background. Obviously this kind of person will be ready at moment’s notice to go out on a date. Sorry but we mortals — men & women — work because we have to. Granted,… Read more »

    To 45
    Guest
    To 45

    We need more people like you to speak out
    Today feminism is killing marriges,and preventing new ones.
    Women demand much to many things from a husband .
    Men are not allowed to ask any favours from their wives.
    The secular world has corrupted our young girls and women
    With views that men are bad,
    We need to go back to the times,when men were respected as the father/husband

    Dear #49
    Guest
    Dear #49

    I’m so sorry for your pain. It doesn’t sound like you rejected Judaism, you feel like it rejected you. And I can’t blame you for feeling like that. I hope you meet a very special person who you can finally trust. You deserve that in your life. You have so much to give. Don’t forget that. Also please don’t blame G-d for the way some of His children treated you. I know it’s hard to separate what’s real and true in Yiddishkeit from some of the fakeness we see in authority figures. They don’t represent real Yiddishkeit or Chassidus. The… Read more »

    To #49, MMH
    Guest
    To #49, MMH

    My heart cries for you. I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered. May HaKadosh Boruch Hu grant you peace, and peace of mind.

    To #55 and #56
    Guest
    To #55 and #56

    I am #49 / MMH.

    Thank you for your messages. I hope the original author takes as much strength from your kind messages as I do. May we all, especially those who have indisputably been rejected and endured suffering, have the courage to turn pain and shame into strength and endurance in the coming years. May we be positive role models for those who choose to patiently wait for Hashem’s brochas to take affect.

    To #43. ON POINT
    Guest
    To #43. ON POINT

    43, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I am a 25 year old Bochur. Went through the system, got a job,etc. when I date, I give it my all. Unfortunately, i haven’t met my Bashert yet. No, I do not date once a week. But does that mean that I don’t want to get married? Does that mean I can’t get a job? But I can’t get a job. Because I really want to work for you, concerned mom, but you won’t hire me. Because I’m single.

    X