By a single mother
Worst of all is the oppressive humidity.
A slight breeze, a song in the air would make it better.
When your child has her own version of reality which often clashes with real life, the day is long and exhausting. Routine tasks and events are harder to face and you must plan ahead, every step of the way.
A long morning, some yelling, some hilarity, out the door. You’re exhausted but the day has just begun.
Time flies and your child is late for school.
The humidity. It’s hot. She refuses to walk. You can’t blame her. You wait for the city bus. You’ve just missed one, and the next one is 13 minutes away. She doesn’t mind waiting. Quality time at a bus stop, the silent company of other commuters.
The bus crawls up the congested avenue. Off, finally. You walk briskly, 3 blocks and you’re there. You apologize to the teacher. As a former teacher, you know how disruptive it is when students show up late.
As a punctual person, you can’t forgive yourself for bringing your daughter to school 40 minutes behind schedule. Stress and anxiety accumulate while you sit at your desk, trying to do your job and function in a vacuum.
Time for school pick-up nears and you start planning dinner. There may be no time to cook this afternoon, do we have appointments? Your first goal is to reach all schools on time, get everyone home in one piece, avoiding that impertinent ice cream truck.
Finally, home – air conditioning, the best coffee you’ve ever had, 2 minutes on the couch before springing back into action. Dinner, laundry, baths, bedtime, yet another bedtime, mop the floor. How many jobs to mothers have? How many jobs does a single mom have?
The stress has been accumulating over the past few weeks. Once camp is out the ball is in your court but the babysitter fails to show up, another babysitter fails to connect with your kids, and the following week you’re home half the time, forfeiting pay, because reliable babysitters are hard to find. You’re on one income and your kids are home. The world does not care. People have their own problems, you tell yourself.
You’ve tried again and again. You believe in the inherent goodness of people. You’ve asked for the ride, the help, the short break, the small sum to tide you over that month. The rejections have stung, and you have learned to stop asking.
Long ago, you’ve learned the art of the lie. When people stop you and ask you how you are, they don’t want to hear about the outstanding bill, the call from school, the identity theft you’ve been a victim of, the despair that grips you when you have to face yet another shabbos or Yom Tov on your own.
No, they want to hear the lie, because it validates their world view. You smile and say, “Oh, I’m good thanks, how are you?” And listen and nod and make conversation. Because people relate to normal best of all.
If this essay has touched you, please consider lending a hand to the single parents in your area. Offer to take their kids to shul once a month, or have them over for a playdate (don’t forget to offer rides if needed). Take them on an outing so their parent could have a few hours to her/himself. Bring them dinner once in a while. Allocate part of your ma’aser to a single mom to help with necessities. Remember that people have different needs. If you know single parents, ask them what they need and what would be of most help to them.
To those saying to just ask for help, the author has asked for help again and again, both from organizations and individuals. Unfortunately our community is quick to jump on certain causes and neglect some others.
Very Very Well Said
I personally know the author and she works extremely hard, is loving and caring to her children and is extremely refined and respectable and an inspiration to me. You should be strengthened and blessed in abundance!
#7–I feel your pain. My mother used me like that too.
#17–For a narcissistic mom, a child is never too young; My mother used me as the go-between for her fights with my father from the time I was five. And I was my mother’s confidante (unwillingly) from age 8.
You may not be able to do much for the mom–but for Heavens’ sake, reach out to the kids! Help them so the vicious cycle doesn’t continue into the next generation.
I agree with #20. Offering generosity is good, but remember not to take the receiver of your ‘kindness’s dignity away. Knowing one, as a recipient, is likely referred to or thought of as a ‘nebbich’, or heaven forbid, a ‘schnorrer’ behind one’s back, can make a recipient feel even more down.
it’s so much about dignity… when a marriage ends because a husband did terrible things, and people talk about ‘it takes two to tango’…it drives a dagger into an already broken heart of the woman who through no fault of her own suffered so much already. a woman (or man) who puts 1000% into their marriage yet their spouse lives a double life unbeknownst to them…and then to hear people say ‘oh, divorce always has two sides….it always takes two’ – is such a haughty and insensitive, cruel thing. we don’t need to add pain where there is already so… Read more »
However, there are incredible people & organizations & neigh ours & family members who DO help those less fortunate ALL the time! Whether it be a single mom or another sad occurance or tragedy. They help with money they help with babysitting they help with clothing, tuition, shabbos meals…. Please don’t be harsh on those who may have a lot going on ….and struggling in one way or another themselves. Let’s all be there for one another. Confide in your mashpia if you need more assistance or Dr if your on overload or school if children need something more. We… Read more »
Just don’t get divorced, like the olden days…. Or, if marriage is too bad, then be smart enough to change yourself, you will never change your spouse. Remember that, no matter what the case is. Focus on ONLY changing yourself, that goes for both husbands and wives. If your honest intention is not to change your spouse, but to change yourself, you’ll be VERY surprised that your spouse will do more for you. BUT, do NOT do it for that sake. Do it honestly, for the reason to give more to your spouse. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or… Read more »
You should have lived in NY with your husband, or your husband should have found a job in Miami. An arrangement where one spouse works in another city and comes home once a week is completely unacceptable in today’s day and age and especially for a frum Jewish family. If you would have consulted a rav or mashpia or even a life coach that is what he or she would have told you. A husband and father should be home every night to put his children to bed and do homework with them. He should be there to ask his… Read more »
Thank g-d there are many people with amazing hearts, who would be more than happy to help, if only they would know how to. I think that if there would be a (small) organization, a few volunteers that would collect the information of people that need help, and reaching out to people in the community that could help (even in something small, it could be big for the one being help), and so, someone who’s looking to help could call them and get a task, a lot more could be accomplished. It’s not so complicated, no big money is needed… Read more »
I can remember when I lived in Miami beach…my husband was working in New York and i was all alone with a new baby. I thought i had friends there, they didn’t ask me over the entire time my husband was away, I was in a condo all alone, with a toddler and a baby. I thought my so called friends would help me, give me a ride, go shopping with me. They told me to “take the bus” as “lots of people do” . The y knew I was alone each shabbos and they never asked. I don’t speak… Read more »
there is alot of tsoros all over, people are suffering terribly!! is this a bigger tsoro then having a special needs child chas vsholom. is this a bigger tsoro then like # 3 the mom who has a big bigfamily and that husband is not only like another kid but doesn’t do a THING!! the shlepping, food shopping, putting things away alone take up time and koach, not talking about the laundry cooking, serving , and yes right after giving birth, or chas vsholom a child battling a disease, so why is this one picked out, dont know- we don’t… Read more »
Im so so sick of this type of nasty talk, and from people who run round the clock trying to look frummer than thou and be respected! What does it take to be K I N D? I am a mother of three kana hora lovely children and have a kind husband TG We always look for people who may need a ride, need help in some way, and not because we pity them, Gd forbid, because its N O R M A L to want to H E L P a person…people. I want to say to all you… Read more »
my mother is a single mother… i think this really applies to her
i do my best to make things easier for her
it is not easy at all. my advice is to be strong and to be in a position and mindset that a person is in control of the way he/she thinks and can make one’s own decisions. And yes I am sure it is difficult and there are ways to get up early and be on top of one’s schedule.
I’m a single mom who’s very sensitive and has a hard time asking for help. If you look at me pityingly and offer me the ride, I’ll say no thanks and walk away with my pride in one piece. Do remember that people’s needs vary. My kids will never agree to go out for Shabbos with me because it makes them feel like nebbach cases. If their friend invites them, they’ll be thrilled. If you offer the Shabbos meal and I politely say no, it doesn’t mean you can’t help in another way. I’ve asked neighbors who shop in Store… Read more »
having a spouse who continues the battle long after the GET by bad-mouthing you ( usually outright lies but the kids believe it ), doesn’t pay the support / tuition that was assigned to them by Bais Din or Civil court, and doesn’t miss a chance to harass you & turn family & friends against you. A single mother may still be fighting a war mamash along with carrying a heavy & bitter load.
As a former divorce, (BH at that point not blessed with my kids.) I would go to sleep at night, thinking that although I had friends, I had no life mate who actually cared how my day was. Fast forward, BH good marriage, BH good kids, and I fall into bed exhausted at night. I know that my husband cares how my day was, and helps me with the tremendous responsiblity Hashem has given me. I know that I am not alone. Recently when a friend lost her spouse, and I saw her kid act up my first thought was,… Read more »
That only works if you have older children. If you have, say, 3 under 5 or whatever, you need outside help. Can’t expect a toddler to shoulder responsibility.
a single mom once asked me to invite her for shabbos. she has 2 boys twins 9 years old. the father takes them every other shabbos, she does not work but needs me to invite her for shabbos and wants her own room, to be able to sleep as late as she wants (read keep your kids quiet) and would like to be served shabbos lunch when ever she wakes up. she needs a break.At the time I had 6 kids oldest 6 and a husband who worked and left the house in the early morning and came home late… Read more »
the Torah of Truth is always True and the Torah (and the Rebbe always encourage couples to find a way in 99% of cases to find a way and try even the most unusual or extreme methods in order to keep the marriage together. The D Word is not a solution to lack of Shalom Bayis, it’s a new much more severe problem. we need more resources for helping couples even in seemingly unrepairable situations, because the truth is “where there is a will, there is a way” and if someone lost their will to give it a try then… Read more »
No 12,very very well said,most marrieds don’t realize that
Absolutely. Some advice to single moms who need help. Make sure to join neshei chabad and women’s circle (et al.) you must network and people must get to know you beyond your neediness. And when you are there, contribute, you will not have a wholesome relationship with your community if you are but needy — everyone has something to contribute. Important: If you are in need of money, you need to ask or at least make that known. Most households, single parented or otherwise, scratch by on miracles, whether through the Government, family gifts or otherwise. Nobody will assume you… Read more »
It is not stam that the tora teaches us to be sensitive to alman/almanos. And divorced is also considered….. in that category.
Everyone has issues and is buisy with the hoohaas of life. But being ALONE makes it a billion times worse. Even a women whose husband works from morning to night is better than a single parent.
and how about a WIFE…. that acts like a kid?
What about a husband that stays married the old fashioned way… ????
Oh yes the I can hear it now…. the world changed you don’t have to be stuck in a marriage .. blah blah blah.
You know what the “world” might have changed but people haven’t … Kids will be kids and will have all the hurt ….and the grandchildren….
so as I say number #3…. yeah what about the wife that acts like a kid???
We must also remember that sons of single moms need a male adult friend to offer to take them to shul and guide them thru it, not just drop them off there.
I’ve heard amazing things about this organization.
We need to do more to help each other out.. Invite people for Shabbos, offer a ride, offer to pick up some groceries, offer to babysit. Do something!!
My mother is a single mom. But you know what? The eldest – me – turned into a second parent, with all the responsibilities but no privileges. Ah, and with the abuse. Then when I moved out she used the next eldest, gave her the responsibilities, made her a confidante – but also made her the subject of verbal and emotional abuse. Conclusion: Most single moms aren’t married, but that doesn’t mean they shoulder all the responsibility themselves. What you should do: Take the eldest child and treat them to some time off, some support, and just be a listening… Read more »
sometimes a person does not know how to ask for help. she may be perpetuating the “lie” as wel not wanting to infringe on people’s space. saying, B”H all is good; I could use some help though this afternoon, any idea?s. exchange phone numbers, polite nudging is the way to go..the squeaky wheel gets the most grease.!.
The outstanding High School girls of Bais Rivka run the amazing program HOO (Helping Our Own) which gives a little help for familys in need by coming over and playing with their kids.
So, so true. All of it!! They could really use help even when they say everything’s fine!!!
This can describe a day of any mother who has a bunch of kids and a husband who is like another kid. Signed, a proud single mother.
A custodial dad!
A huge shout out to all the amazing single parents out there. You should be bentched with the koach you need to do all that you do. You should find the happiness you are looking for. I am looking out for you.